You know, the creepy thing about this time right now is knowing Canadian Conservatives are watching everything happening downstairs and making notes for when it’s their turn to fuck us over. If you vote Conservative you are voting for us to be absorbed into the cruel maw of the United Fascist States (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google). And I’m not having it! We don’t need or want that shit here, and allegiance to billionaires is fucking bullshit.
Capitalism is going to eat itself, who do they expect to be their consumers after they’ve enslaved all the poor and middle class people? Do they think we’re still going to order their shitty products from a labour camp? It’s so fucked up. I mean they are just making things good for billionaires and billionaires to be (millionaires). But eventually people are going to snap. And then…
And their ideas about becoming astronauts and leaving us behind is honestly pathetically unrealistic. For one thing, space travel happens in a place with extreme radiation that is difficult to protect a crew from. Also bodies get weaker in zero gravity. Also it just sounds like a pathetically sad life, to be on a ship and then on a planet like Mars with no vegetation etc stuck in your pod. It’s ludicrous. The most logical thing right now would be to work to end climate change and try to heal our planet, instead of getting one last pillaging of the planet’s resources while hanging onto these piles of gold. Billionaires are deeply corrupt, deeply evil, deeply morally bankrupt human beings. No one should aspire to be a billionaire and hoard so much wealth that it impoverishes the majority of the planet. That’s depraved shit. That’s something only a person with no empathy would do.
Anyway how am I? UGHHH.
I don’t know, I read the story of Sam Nordquist this week and his murder. And it’s just so sad. Also makes me feel vulnerable as someone who has met people on apps for dates who wanted to meet knowing I am trans. And the fact that it was a cis woman who lured him over there also makes me nervous, because cis women get trusted so much easier than men, and they aren’t always trustworthy. Also because I’ve met a lot of cis people on apps and maybe they could be trying to lure me too. I had a rule of only meeting in my home so that my neighbours would notice if something happened. But in the past I HAVE traveled to meet someone. I don’t know. I generally put that I’m trans in my bio on dating apps because I don’t feel like coming out after someone contacts me when they aren’t looking for trans people too. BUT also there are people looking for trans people for bad reasons. It’s scary.
Right now I am on a dating/hookup break while my tailbone is healing. It still sucks, I can’t go to the bathhouse either, and there’s some play parties coming up and I’m not sure if I should bother. Blahhhh. But yeah. I miss human contact, I mean maybe that makes me sound super lonely. It’s just it’s been constantly snowing here and not the best for going out to even visit friends. Which makes me more lonely. Ahhh.
And then the world is just going to hell, and trans men trying to find love end up tortured and murdered. It’s a brutal fucked up world. Not only systemically, but also the lack of empathy towards human beings is super disturbing. It’s just like Susan Sontag said, “10 percent of any population is cruel, no matter what, and 10 percent is merciful, no matter what, and the remaining 80 percent can be moved in either direction.”
We’re fucked! BUT I still feel responsible for finding hope in our situation at this time, and so I guess I have to figure out how to be more hopeful.
I’m starting a podcast! I recorded my first episode, I need to record some music for it though and I don’t know how to write music, but I’m trying it out for the first time. I was going to do some chords, but the ones I picked made for a sad song ha ha. So I need to try that again. I also tried some picking but I don’t know about that either. I wish I had a synthesizer, I bet that would make a better tiny song. I had one before, or like an electric piano or whatever, and I played it and could improvise on it really well. But I’m still learning how to improvise on acoustic guitar and not very confident in it or where the high notes are. I dud make a few seconds that sounded nice, but the end was not great, cause it got depressing again. Why do my songs always go depressing!? I just want to make something fun and appealing that will draw people into listening to my stories for 20 minutes to an hour.
After I tried to make music, I made a cover for my podcast. It is super cute.
It’s funny because this mic is just in my living room and so with the background covered up I look like I’m in a fancy studio. Instead of on my couch so I can be near the sun. I love it. I thought I solved the mic picking up Classical FM. But no, it’s still there. It’s really quiet but so fucking annoying! And I still haven’t totally figured out where it’s coming from. I mean I know where Classical FM broadcasts from, but I don’t know which part of the equipment is picking up the station. Also what is annoying is when I look up RF Interference and this microphone, it says “This mic is excellent for protection from RF interference.” And nothing else! Like, no Mr. Mic Corporation, it’s not excellent! It’s got issues!
Anyway. My butt is improving. Like it fucking sucks yes, but sitting on it is not so awful. Tailbone injuries take so fucking long to heal from. UGHHH hate it ha ha. I will be happy when it’s healed.
I remember the last time I hurt my tailbone, I went manic, but that’s because I went off my meds. But I don’t remember when it stopped hurting, because I went SO MANIC and everything was a good time. Until it was a bad time. So I was obviously distracted, and after I came back down I was fine. Anyway.
It’s a very snowy long weekend. I’ve been going in and out of the house shovelling since yesterday, and it has not stopped. The snow banks are getting higher and higher. I had to go to the store for pee pads for the dogs and there was ice under some of the snow so it got super slippy for a while. The snow is so deep, and not everyone gives a shit about shovelling. So it’s challenging to go for a walk to be sure. It snowed a lot previously too, and I went in an Uber to my guitar class and being in the car made me feel so sketched out it’s so scary to be on the road. I am glad I am not traveling this weekend. I’m trying to just stay home and keep from having to dig us out too much by shovelling on a regular basis. I have some food in my house, so I’m not starving, and after getting pee pads for the dogs there really isn’t anything we need right now.
Being a Canadian (or for me, a nêhiyaw living in Canada more specifically) means you have to be so fucking tough. Like, we have a lot of large predators here. And moose who are not always in the best mood when you meet them. And the winters are totally bananas. Like, not so much here in Toronto, but in Saskatoon it would be minus 40 celcius with a windchill of minus 60 and we still went to school. And walked there! Like they did not give a shit it was cold. So cold. It’s very brutal weather even in the summer when it gets super hot and people die. It’s an unforgiving place with weather and animals that want to kill you. And that doesn’t include all the things going on with the Canadian people.
Back to the podcast, I am still recording them. So I’m not going to put them out yet. But I’m collecting stories and things so I might turn into Andy Warhol and carry my recorder everywhere with me in case I can get stories from friends etc. With permission! I talked to a couple friends already asking them for interviews. Plus the other part of the podcast is me just talking about life and things I think etc. I need to do more research though before picking a place to host my podcast. I think I have enough in my budget for a subscription, but I also have ethical concerns about all corporations right now. And also I would prefer a Canada based podcast hosting service but I don’t know who that would be. At this point I have no funding for it, or sponsors, or anything really. But it’s kind of just going to be a hobby and an extension of this blog, which is also kind of just a hobby.