This blog is so ridiculous I don’t even know who reads it.

I’ve been laughing to myself over how many cis male artists have gotten in the news for not going to the United States anymore, when I stopped months ago and no one cared. No one cared that a trans artist couldn’t cross the border anymore for safety reasons. For having ID that reflects my gender which the US Border won’t recognize. I guess when even cis male artists can’t go to the United States then it’s a BIG DEAL. Anything cis male artists do is a BIG DEAL. Sigh.

BUT to be honest I decided I wouldn’t cross the border anymore earlier based on some premonitions I was having, which doesn’t make as good of a news story I guess. This trans artist got psychic visions and won’t cross the border anymore! Not as good of a headline, not believable.

I do have some male privilege but it’s weird shit like how men treat me on the street now compared to before. Like being called Brother or Boss by guys instead of Miss I guess. Or what did they call me? I don’t even remember. I think I was already gendered ambiguously so they kind of avoided it for not knowing. But I think I’ll probably still get held back for being a trans dude. It’s not the gold card of life that people assume it is. I am the least able to be stealth in my professional life, especially since my work is about being trans sometimes. So yeah. Ah man, layers of privilege are weird. If I wear a mask sometimes people think I am a white man which is a FUCKING TRIP. Going from being seen as an Indigenous woman to a white man is like, a mind fuck. It’s so weird out there, how people get treated differently.

ANYWAY BLAHHHH.

Maybe I’m just not good at getting press releases out.

I cleaned my house today, like SO MUCH CLEANING. I picked up, I swept, I washed the floor twice and used clean water both times. I did my dishes. I washed the pots and pans and the stove. I took out recycling and put garbage in the garbage can. I really need to clean my fridge, I wanted to go to the gym today but I don’t think it’s happening, so I might actually sit on a chair in front of my fridge and clean the whole thing out. I’m gonna have to soak the jam blobs on the glass, it’s a mess. And some food could get thrown out. But mostly it’s just like, been a long time since it got cleaned and I’m tired of looking at a mess every time I am hungry. I did some work emailing. Some extensions for my class were until midnight tonight, so I’m hoping to get some marking done tonight and tomorrow.

I have been trying not to talk about hookups publicly right now just because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea and think I am emotionally unavailable or only interested in casual encounters. Which is not true, I feel ready for a relationship. But I also like having sex so I have been hooking up with guys still. I haven’t hooked up with new guys in a while tho, so I guess these are friends with benefits considering they are ongoing hookups? Mostly I just know they are NOT going to choke me to death, so I feel ok meeting with them. God what a low bar ha ha ha! That’s not really it tho, they are fun, I don’t want to insult them, they’re fine. But they don’t meet my romantic desires right now.

It’s really weird for me to be able to relate to people sexually without getting romantic feelings involved all the time. Before testosterone I was one of those people who got super attached to people I was having sex with, even if they were the least compatible or interesting people and we’d had the least amount of sex. But it’s different now.

BUT ALSO I was worried maybe I can’t fall in love as a man. Which made me sad. But now I’m realizing it’s not true, it was just me thinking all my connections with people would feel casual. But they don’t all feel like that. I still get excited and nervous about certain people. There’s still reasons I do have a diary and not just this ha ha.

I’m going through a phase where I don’t want to eat anything. It’s so frustrating! Like I still put food in me, but it’s not enough. I wish I had more berries, if I ordered the exact things I like eating it’s fine. Like cheese and charcuterie and berries and yogurt. I have such a specific diet of things that make me happy, but when those things aren’t around I just give up on eating. It’s ridiculous! ALSO I do have cheese and charcuterie in my fridge, so I could eat it. But ugh the thought of eating is not fun. BUT I LOVE FOOD! Maybe it’s because my Vyvanse got upped to 50mg. I want to get back to the gym and if I want to build muscle I have to start eating ridiculous amounts of food again. But I need to have my specific happy foods here to do that I guess.

I sometimes wonder if I am autistic but some professionals I’ve talked to don’t see it. I dunno, I just really click with that idea of having food with bad textures I avoid. Like cartilage, connective tissue, gristle, fat, GROSS ME OUT. I can’t stand it. I wonder if that is the ADHD tho. I’m fine with all the other textures tho. Like some people hate mashed potatoes and I love mashed potatoes. Or some people hate yogurt and I love yogurt. And also sometimes I guess I don’t understand social rules. But also I do, maybe I just find social rules ridiculous which isn’t the same as not understanding them. I don’t flap my hands but I do mutter things all day and sing made up songs.

Maybe that’s just being human. I also like having music on all the time. Like when I have to stay with my Mom and not listen to my tunes, it’s like the colour has left my life. It’s so fucking dramatic the distress I feel and put up with ha ha, just from not being able to listen to music. I am starting to get that distress on days I don’t play my guitar too, which is interesting. It’s probably also why I lean towards cannabis as a drug rather than others, music sounds great on it.

My travel guitar still has not been shipped, I think they order it from the manufacturer so who knows how long it will be to show up.

I have a hotel in Osnabrück now! So my trip is pretty much set at this point. I bought my main tickets for things earlier this last month. And I have a plane ticket and a train ticket. I’m excited to go out of Canada and see the world, or parts of the world. I’m normally traveling a lot but this last year I stuck to Ontario for work reasons.

ANYWAY since I got annoyed by not eating, I started drinking a chocolate milk and ordered some happy groceries. Including stuff that is easy to make. My hookup for today bailed! Which is not uncommon in the hookup world. But I have other things I want to do, like maybe I really will do laundry today.