What am I going to do with this overshare blog? Ugh. I’m just thinking about trying to be more professional, but also this was always my writing spot, and mostly I write about things in my life right now. So I guess it’s fine.

I did 30 push ups and 30 sit ups today. I was thinking of going to the gym, but also I need to make this chicken and egg stir fry I’ve been planning for days. It’s got asparagus in it, and I was hooking up with an assortment of people but I need to take a short break anyway. Asparagus does that thing that would make me unappetizing for a couple days. But I DO love asparagus. And haven’t had it in a while. Maybe I can eat a pineapple after, I don’t know.

I do know I’ve gotten a ton better at keeping this home clean because I usually have dates come over here. I do dishes on a regular basis, which was always a long term habit I wanted to get into. I’m also sweeping and washing the floor more. It’s gotten easier as Todd has gotten older too, because he used to really go all out and trash the house as soon as I cleaned it. But he’s not such a twerp now, very sweet in fact.

He was helping me exercise today by getting in my face while I did sit ups and push ups. Lots of kisses, trying to sit between my knees, ridiculous guy. He’s too cute though. Just a silly baby. He and I are getting along a lot better now that he’s not nearly as stressful as he used to be. He lets me sleep in now! A little anyway. And he’s not bouncing on me when I am trying to fall asleep.

LATER

ha ha ok I went off and did other things and now it’s the next day. Chicken and egg stir fry turned out great! I’ve been doing work also, trying to track down a film for my class. I wrote to the filmmaker today but I kind of think maybe I should have gotten introduced by a mutual friend because this director is famous and probably I ended up getting filtered out of the inbox. But who knows! It was worth a shot.

It’s the 14th today! 3 years ago I had a first date and fell for them and it was such a bad idea. Like, INCREDIBLY bad idea, considering they were married (but open relationship etc). Anyway, my facebook wouldn’t let me see my memories from 3 years ago, but when I opened my phone this morning a picture of us was right at the top like “memories on this day” or whatever. Yikes.

I feel bad for my therapist having to watch that whole thing unfold and not be like “This is a terrible idea Theo!” I mean I think she did try. But I was convinced. Fucking estrogen made me so attached to so many people so quickly. It’s kind of embarrassing, I hope I never go back to an estrogen dominant system. It’s nice now. Not so easily attached. But also I think maybe I’m a bit shut off to falling in love now. It just seems like a pain in the ass. I’ve never been in a serious long term relationship. I don’t think that means I am bad at long term relationships, I just don’t think I’ve been in a mutually loving relationship yet. But also the older I get the less I have a desire to live with someone. I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life and it’s SO FUCKING NICE I won’t lie, roommates are STRESSFUL and I can’t imagine what a lover who is also a roommate would be like. I would want my own room still. And what would I do with my hookups? It’s unlikely a lover would be open to me having lovers come fool around sometimes. But I don’t know.

The more I figure myself out, the less clear my idea of an ideal partner is. I don’t know what gender they would be, I don’t think I would want to live with them but I don’t know maybe I would? I don’t know if I ever want to get married (but I would if it was for immigration reasons). I really am just like, not sure where someone would fit into my life right now. Like I like having hookups, but also I like when they leave. It’s complicated I guess. And mostly I’m concentrating on my career right now and having a good time with that. Like yes there are career challenges etc but overall I’m working on things I care about.

I’m trying to stay open to falling in love. And I do get romantic curiosities sometimes. But I don’t know, maybe someone really amazing has to show up first. Impress me. I don’t know who will or who can.