I voted on the first day of Advance Polls. I do want the Liberals to win. HOWEVER I did not vote for the Liberals, I am in a fairly safe riding for Liberals to win and ultimately I felt the NDP Candidate was more aligned with my values. Also I sent her a message to find out her position on trans rights and got this amazing email back about how she provides gender affirming care in her family medicine practice, and that she believes the rising anti-trans sentiment to be foreign interference from American hate groups. Which I believe too! Anyway, she had my vote, even though I want the Liberals to get in.

I know it’s a super important election. NDP are not going to form government and will probably lose seats. And they are also an imperfect party, who have had positions I don’t agree with. And Mark Carney probably is the best one to lead us right now. But also the NDP supporting a Liberal minority government did get us some gains in Pharmacare and Dental Care. So I’m a bit hesitant about how a Liberal Majority government might not bother respecting the NDP and Bloc voters who have switch their votes this go around. I guess we will find out!

But please vote for the candidate best positioned to block a Conservative in your riding.

It’s been wild watching the disinformation on Facebook. Conservatives trying to manipulate Indigenous voters into voting against the Liberals do piss me off. The lies are off the chart.

ALSO THOUGH I’m kind of pissed that the party platforms didn’t come out until super recently, after people already started voting at Advance Polls. I think those platforms should be up before people vote.

I’m also aware a lot is at stake for me this election, considering the rise of fascism.

The advance polls had a two hour long wait to vote. Which is long BUT ALSO kind of amazing because it means people both know who they are voting for AND some who might not otherwise vote are coming out. So I hope we make a good choice.

I didn’t get super involved in campaigning this election because I was undecided for a long time. I was going to vote Liberal and changed my mind. But it was a lot of waffling back and forth. I just wish Carney had been more upfront about supporting trans rights, and Palestine. Like those were TWO big issues I was concerned about and I know the NDP candidate was more aligned with me on those two issues. I know the risk of voting against the Liberals because of Palestine could cause the same thing here as in the States when people didn’t vote for Harris. But if it was more of a close race between Conservatives and Liberals in this riding I would have voted Liberal. Ahh ha ha someone is gonna get mad at me for not voting Liberal though. I know the assignment I just am making a decision based on my immediate riding.

I’m doing well otherwise. The marks for my class went in last week and so I am not a prof anymore. I’m just a regular dude. I am still taking guitar lessons, so I guess I am just a student right now.

I have decided to take lessons next year too. I’m advancing really well and progressing and I know my main issue has been not getting enough practice in. But the last guitar lesson I had he said I was doing some things that separate the pros from the average guitarist, which was cool to hear. My guitar teacher trained at Berklee so he knows a lot of stuff! It’s really nice. My last class he showed me how to make my strumming quieter or louder by how hard I hold the pick. I’m finally at a place where I know enough to ask the right questions about how to improve. I need to improve my tempo, I honestly need to be using the metronome more. I am hoping this summer I can be as creative as I want and practice my guitar a lot and write a lot. I know admin stuff always happens. But also this longterm project is ending in May so THAT will be off of my plate.

Today I finished writing a smutty/critical theory article. I’m not sure who its fans will be. But I hope it finds its audience. I think it’s a pretty sexy article, it’s filled with gay trans sex, and “straight” romantic longing, with a ton of queer lovers and potential lovers of various genders. It’s probably the most bisexual writing I’ve done ha ha. I mean except for my diary which is very bi. I feel like an old man using bisexual when probably pansexual is more related to what my sexuality is. I like a broad spectrum of genders. From super femme women all the way to big burly bearded bears. And various genders in between and beyond that.

I am also nearly done my grant! I just need one email back confirming participation and then I can submit it. The budget got updated, and I have to redo the letters of confirmation and make them into one big PDF and then check a box agreeing with something and hit submit. And then my grant is IN and I don’t have to think about it until October when results come out. So I am happy about that.

My travel grant got moved to results pending. So hopefully I find out soon. I’ve found out about travel grants generally while I am on the trip I need them to pay for, and it’s not always good news! So yeah we’ll see how that goes.

Tomorrow I get on a plane to Amsterdam! SO SOON! I get on a train on Tuesday in Amsterdam to Osnabrück. And then I get to my hotel and just crash and sleep in! Except I think there’s breakfast in the morning. And German hotels usually do a decent breakfast. All the meats!

This is the current state of my video game Repatriate Me. I added a losing screen, and I added a restart/quit screen, and basically it’s a “finished” game except not really, it just works as a game app now. But I want to make the basement longer and add more enemies. And a few more ways to move, and I also have to change the code for his health system because he gets secret health points that don’t reflect properly. Confusing but anyway! It needs work but it’s ready for my show at the Art Lab Gallery at Western University, so we are installing it, it’s going to be playable on a computer in there. Also to be honest if anyone wants to try it I could send them a link to what it is now. Although it’s not exciting yet. It needs more! And it’s only one of four levels.

I’ve been in London doing install since yesterday. I’ve also been doing work in my studio and that’s been nice because I don’t get to be in a workspace like that at home. I like working from home, but I do find at artist residencies where I have a studio to go even just once a week has really increased my ability to get work done. It helped with Carmilla The Lonely for sure. I had two residencies where I worked on that. Vienna and Hamilton.

I’m having a good time in my life. In less than a week I’ll be flying to Amsterdam to take the train to Osnabrück. And go to a big festival and see lots of art. It’s weird because I’ve been traveling between Toronto and London (Ontario) since last August like, every week almost. But not a fun trip far far away. And now I’m finally getting to go somewhere outside of Ontario and I’m so excited. Outside of Canada! That’s amazing too. And NOT the States.

I was just thinking about the last time I was in the States. I was in New York. I kissed a sexy dude in Brooklyn who had an amazing moustache. I actually really liked him and still do and I wish I could get to know him better even if it was a friendly way but now I have no idea when I will ever go to the United States again. And I don’t know if he would ever leave the United States because he’s also trans and the border is not great especially for trans Americans returning. Fuck this sucks.

There’s so many other places I wanted to see again down there. I wanted to go to New Orleans again and I don’t know when I ever will. I did get to go into a sad Piggly Wiggly in New Orleans, but I never got to go to Georgia or other Southern states except for running through the Atlanta airport a couple times, and being in the Fort Lauderdale Airport once. California is nice and I wish I could go there again too, except fuck! What the hell?

I knew at some point the American Empire would fall but wow it is a grisly scary downfall that is already hurting a lot of people. I feel for my friends down there. And I kind of have some ideas of possibilities of where this is going, but to be honest I don’t really have an “in” to what is going to happen over the next few years. Like I have some quasi psychic stuff and feelings but I can’t comprehend everything that is going on. And there are always twists and they can be good or bad twists. I do think people need to resist though.

I sometimes feel like a jester, just trying to entertain people until the end. I definitely would have been one of those musicians on the Titanic playing music until the water took me. Like they probably did realize so many people were not going to make it, including themselves, and just wanted to provide a point of beauty at the end. Sometimes I think making art right now is just to share in a community where we see each other and witness what is happening to all of us.

I have been having concerns about the legacy of my media after I die. Digital media is fragile. You can just delete it. Lose access to Dropbox, or a hard drive. I have most of my videos in two distributors, one in the United States (Video Data Bank) and one in Canada (Vtape). But that’s still all concentrated in North America. I’m starting to think about having files in another country, on another continent. I’m thinking of having multiple places around the world with my videos. I mean the great thing about my practice is that I can make as many copies of a video as I want and it doesn’t degrade the image, I could have videos all over.

But also, in the long term I don’t see my videos ever leaving the earth, I think they’ll all be gone when the earth is a dead planet. I don’t see humans ever getting off this planet. Definitely not at this rate and also I don’t think we should leave anyway. I think this is where we belong. Forever is impossible. There’s no way my art will exist for infinity. And I have to be okay with that.

But if I could save it from the fascists, that would be nice.

Really I am starting to think about sending out some files through a torrent service so that people access the videos and they just exist on some rando’s drive. I don’t know if I am that brave but also why not? I wouldn’t name them something misleading though. OMG do you remember Limewire? I still have audio clips on my phone of like, some guy pretending to be Bill Clinton telling me not to pirate songs. I think that was his message? There’s just weird shit you would download back then.

I remember the first song I ever got on Napster was the Popcorn Song.

Anyway, I didn’t get this thing I applied for in the United States, but considering how Trump is treating the arts, and the fact that the project is about transgender people and climate change, I don’t think I would have had good publicity. Or some shit would have happened, some big drama I don’t want to deal with right now. Last year was bad enough! Yeah it does suck. BUT ALSO I was already working on a grant application for this project so I can just continue with it.

I’m close to being done my grant! I just need to wait for some more people to respond to my ad, but the rest of the grant is written. I have confirmation letters from a Director of Photography, a Choreographer, an Editor, and three musicians/bands. So I just have to put together a giant pdf of letters and cvs and links to outside support material (I don’t want to include that in my official support material, but some jurors like being able to see who is getting hired and what they can do). Ahh I should probably put a note in about casting dancers at a later date. Sometimes juries get really fussy and want all the info upfront. But I don’t know who will be living in Toronto at that point and I need to cast local dancers because I priced out how much it would cost to fly three in and put up in a hotel and give per diems for two weeks and it was like, $22,000. Which is a lot! Too much! I’m already flying the DOP and Choreographer in and I also have a ton of travel in year one, so yeah I can’t have far flung dancers too. Unless I also got ANOTHER grant, but nooooooo, I don’t like depending on multiple grant agencies for one project. Although my video game projects usually have a few sources of money. Not tons tho.

Anyway if you saw my ad about my project on my Instagram or Bluesky, there’s way more to say about it, but if you are transgender and have been impacted by climate change (especially if it has caused you to evacuate or move) you can email me at tjcuthand at gmail dot com and I can tell you more.

I’m in my hotel room and getting hungry so I should wrap up this long ADHD ramble.

Protect each other.

This blog is so ridiculous I don’t even know who reads it.

I’ve been laughing to myself over how many cis male artists have gotten in the news for not going to the United States anymore, when I stopped months ago and no one cared. No one cared that a trans artist couldn’t cross the border anymore for safety reasons. For having ID that reflects my gender which the US Border won’t recognize. I guess when even cis male artists can’t go to the United States then it’s a BIG DEAL. Anything cis male artists do is a BIG DEAL. Sigh.

BUT to be honest I decided I wouldn’t cross the border anymore earlier based on some premonitions I was having, which doesn’t make as good of a news story I guess. This trans artist got psychic visions and won’t cross the border anymore! Not as good of a headline, not believable.

I do have some male privilege but it’s weird shit like how men treat me on the street now compared to before. Like being called Brother or Boss by guys instead of Miss I guess. Or what did they call me? I don’t even remember. I think I was already gendered ambiguously so they kind of avoided it for not knowing. But I think I’ll probably still get held back for being a trans dude. It’s not the gold card of life that people assume it is. I am the least able to be stealth in my professional life, especially since my work is about being trans sometimes. So yeah. Ah man, layers of privilege are weird. If I wear a mask sometimes people think I am a white man which is a FUCKING TRIP. Going from being seen as an Indigenous woman to a white man is like, a mind fuck. It’s so weird out there, how people get treated differently.

ANYWAY BLAHHHH.

Maybe I’m just not good at getting press releases out.

I cleaned my house today, like SO MUCH CLEANING. I picked up, I swept, I washed the floor twice and used clean water both times. I did my dishes. I washed the pots and pans and the stove. I took out recycling and put garbage in the garbage can. I really need to clean my fridge, I wanted to go to the gym today but I don’t think it’s happening, so I might actually sit on a chair in front of my fridge and clean the whole thing out. I’m gonna have to soak the jam blobs on the glass, it’s a mess. And some food could get thrown out. But mostly it’s just like, been a long time since it got cleaned and I’m tired of looking at a mess every time I am hungry. I did some work emailing. Some extensions for my class were until midnight tonight, so I’m hoping to get some marking done tonight and tomorrow.

I have been trying not to talk about hookups publicly right now just because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea and think I am emotionally unavailable or only interested in casual encounters. Which is not true, I feel ready for a relationship. But I also like having sex so I have been hooking up with guys still. I haven’t hooked up with new guys in a while tho, so I guess these are friends with benefits considering they are ongoing hookups? Mostly I just know they are NOT going to choke me to death, so I feel ok meeting with them. God what a low bar ha ha ha! That’s not really it tho, they are fun, I don’t want to insult them, they’re fine. But they don’t meet my romantic desires right now.

It’s really weird for me to be able to relate to people sexually without getting romantic feelings involved all the time. Before testosterone I was one of those people who got super attached to people I was having sex with, even if they were the least compatible or interesting people and we’d had the least amount of sex. But it’s different now.

BUT ALSO I was worried maybe I can’t fall in love as a man. Which made me sad. But now I’m realizing it’s not true, it was just me thinking all my connections with people would feel casual. But they don’t all feel like that. I still get excited and nervous about certain people. There’s still reasons I do have a diary and not just this ha ha.

I’m going through a phase where I don’t want to eat anything. It’s so frustrating! Like I still put food in me, but it’s not enough. I wish I had more berries, if I ordered the exact things I like eating it’s fine. Like cheese and charcuterie and berries and yogurt. I have such a specific diet of things that make me happy, but when those things aren’t around I just give up on eating. It’s ridiculous! ALSO I do have cheese and charcuterie in my fridge, so I could eat it. But ugh the thought of eating is not fun. BUT I LOVE FOOD! Maybe it’s because my Vyvanse got upped to 50mg. I want to get back to the gym and if I want to build muscle I have to start eating ridiculous amounts of food again. But I need to have my specific happy foods here to do that I guess.

I sometimes wonder if I am autistic but some professionals I’ve talked to don’t see it. I dunno, I just really click with that idea of having food with bad textures I avoid. Like cartilage, connective tissue, gristle, fat, GROSS ME OUT. I can’t stand it. I wonder if that is the ADHD tho. I’m fine with all the other textures tho. Like some people hate mashed potatoes and I love mashed potatoes. Or some people hate yogurt and I love yogurt. And also sometimes I guess I don’t understand social rules. But also I do, maybe I just find social rules ridiculous which isn’t the same as not understanding them. I don’t flap my hands but I do mutter things all day and sing made up songs.

Maybe that’s just being human. I also like having music on all the time. Like when I have to stay with my Mom and not listen to my tunes, it’s like the colour has left my life. It’s so fucking dramatic the distress I feel and put up with ha ha, just from not being able to listen to music. I am starting to get that distress on days I don’t play my guitar too, which is interesting. It’s probably also why I lean towards cannabis as a drug rather than others, music sounds great on it.

My travel guitar still has not been shipped, I think they order it from the manufacturer so who knows how long it will be to show up.

I have a hotel in Osnabrück now! So my trip is pretty much set at this point. I bought my main tickets for things earlier this last month. And I have a plane ticket and a train ticket. I’m excited to go out of Canada and see the world, or parts of the world. I’m normally traveling a lot but this last year I stuck to Ontario for work reasons.

ANYWAY since I got annoyed by not eating, I started drinking a chocolate milk and ordered some happy groceries. Including stuff that is easy to make. My hookup for today bailed! Which is not uncommon in the hookup world. But I have other things I want to do, like maybe I really will do laundry today.

I did a talk with Wanda Nanibush yesterday for the closing of my show that she curated. It was fun, it’s nice getting asked questions by someone who knows so much about my work, I think she asked really awesome questions. And we got a good crowd, it ended up being on zoom because there was supposed to maybe be freezing rain. But also it got recorded, so hopefully people can see it later. Not everyone was able to get in to see it live.

I’m going to London today for class tomorrow. The last class! They are doing crits and showing us their games, so it should be fun. I didn’t have to come up with a tutorial for the first time, so that was a relief. If I ever teach game design again (which would be nice) I now have a semester’s worth of exercises to teach how to use Unity. I kind of wish I knew another game engine though. And sometimes I think about learning how to do a 3D game but I don’t make 3D assets and I like drawing my ridiculous guys and gals and pink rabbits and hawks ha ha.

ALSO omg, so the festival I am showing Dreams of Sunlight Through Trees at is the European Media Art Festival in Osnabrück Germany. I am flying to Amsterdam to get there, then hopping on a train, then coming back to Amsterdam after and enjoying my life to the max. I’ll be in Osnabrück for my birthday and my film actually screens ON my birthday at 11:00am. So I will get my screening over with early in the day and be able to relax for the rest of the day and enjoy turning a higher number of 40-something ha ha. I’m well into late 40s after this birthday, which to me is cool because I like getting older. Someday I will hate it I guess? My therapist called me a queer elder the other day which is so funny because she is also close in age to me.

Anyway in Amsterdam (have I already told you all this?) I’m going to the Anne Frank house, and to a tulip farm, and on a cannabis cruise through the canals. And I might go to some gay sauna or something I’m not sure. I’m curious to see the Red Light District, but also I’m not sure how I would feel as a man there, especially knowing I would just be a looky loo. I dunno, it is very close to where I’m staying though. I’m also going to do some museums and check out as much as I can. I only ever go to Schiphol so finally getting out of the airport is exciting.

Last night I saw Kylie Minogue! She was amazing! My friend got too tired to go with me so I tried to find someone but it didn’t work out in time. I was thinking of going on Grindr because I know SOMEONE from Grindr would have taken me up on it. BUT ugh people go there because they are horny and I didn’t want some random guy trying to get in my pants while I’m trying to watch a show ha ha. So no Grindr date for Kylie. But it was like, deep faggotry ha ha so fucking fun! So many queer men in the audience.

I was dreading tonight because I’m screening my film at 4:00 and then I am doing the Q&A and then I am going to London at 7:45pm And I was like oh man how am I gonna get food in time? But I checked my ticket and past me was SO NICE to future me and bought me a business class ticket going both ways. So I will get to eat after all. AND I also booked the nice hotel room that has a private half bathroom. So that’s cool too, because a shared toilet sucks. Past me knew I needed a decent last work trip.

I do go to London a bit more after this, but not with as much frequency which I am excited about. I have to install my show there and also go back after Europe for the reception. And then I guess I will probably go again this summer to clean out my studio. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it in the meantime, there won’t be students around. I don’t know what summer sessions they do though.

I’ve decided to get a travel guitar, because I really want to improve on my guitar skills and I ideally want to play every day. I don’t want to put my regular guitar in carry on or cargo, I am too anxious about it getting destroyed. But a travel guitar is light and thin and can fit in the overhead bin. I’m doing good on my guitar journey, I played for over an hour and a half today and I think part of it was because I tried all the things I have been learning to see how I am doing on them all. Pretty good! I did a little recording of the very beginning of Crazy on You, I still only have the first few notes and I still don’t think it sounds like it. But it sounds like SOMETHING. It’s fingerpicking so very different than the earlier stuff I was learning. I’m doing pretty good on chords. I was able to barre the two notes in the F chord recently, because I have been practicing doing the B barre chord, but the B is HARD it’s almost all the strings, and my finger doesn’t like holding all that down. I’m finding it easier after my teacher showed me some tips, like changing my thumb position so my fingers can get up higher and more spread out. Anyway, I am slowly improving! I can make a few parts of songs now. I was learning What’s Up and the regular teacher showed me a different strum pattern and now it sounds like, perfect. But it is just 3 chords over and over. And one solo!

I am starting to want to learn songs to play to impress lovers ha ha. So I gotta think of a good song to sing for someone someday. ALSO I am still trying to learn how to sing AND play guitar. It’s hard! The melody of the vocals competes in my head with the tune my guitar is doing, and then I get confused. Like rubbing your tummy while patting your head. It’s hard! I also still need to work on getting my fingers to move more independently of each other.

After this class, I am also going back to my gym routine. I tried to get a beefy bicep flex in a photo recently and it was like, my arm didn’t change at all ha ha. So I gotta work on my muscles again. Plus it just makes me happy.

If you had asked me five years ago if I would be happy playing music and going to the gym all the time, I think I would have been like no I don’t even know how. Getting a personal trainer for a while was so good though, that was helpful. And then having these guitar teachers has also been so good. I love learning ha ha! My favourite students are the ones who genuinely love learning new things, I think because that was the kind of student I was and I guess still am.

There’s only two more classes left of the semester. It’s amazing, wrapping up already! I need to do my last tutorial game, and then the very last class is crits of final projects. So we’ll see how that goes. I’ve enjoyed teaching but the travel is really wearing me out fast. I’m going to be happy to not have to go every week anymore.

I’m tired as hell. I didn’t take my night meds last night, and I have no idea how that happened but yeah yikes! I almost ALWAYS take them, so its kinda weird. Luckily I’m not supposed to be in trouble if I miss one PrEP dose. Still not a great idea.

I’ve been working super hard lately. OH MAN. Just so much constantly on the go. And also there’s like, ideas going through my head about my film.

I discovered the last time I went to London on the train that I could see locations on the way. And there were all these different kinds of warehouses with trailers and shipping containers and junk yards and storage spaces and I was thinking about where this one major scene is in my feature and realizing watching things go by might be the best thing to reformulate how I am going to write this narrative. So I go back on Saturday instead of Sunday this weekend, and I’m going to look out the window and try to think about spaces and events and how they would fit.

I’m exhausted by this constant threat next door also, the Americans. In Canada people are starting to worry about being invaded. Not everyone, some people think it will never happen. However I know enough about Canadian history to know that it’s not unheard of to have battlefields in Canada and surrounding areas. My Great Great Grandfather fought the Canadian Army in 1885, so it happens and could happen again. I mean, in a different way. I know I’m way too old to be in the army, and would suck as a soldier anyway. But I think there’s still other ways to resist. But you can’t talk about that online or the billionaire AI’s will eat it and give the oligarch’s your info.

In reality, I am having a big issue with my presence on the internet. I know this blog reveals a bunch of stuff about me. BUT ALSO I need it for work and a creative outlet. I make no money off this writing, I have no advertising on this website, it’s just a corner of the internet I blab at and sometimes people read it I guess. I tried to make it a more professional website a long time ago and I’m just not that person. I’m not profesh!

I do write articles though, like I do professional writing, just not here. Here’s more like a diary.

The dogs are fine. They are sleeping right now. I have to head to my guitar lesson soon. I practiced for 40 minutes today and I got really good. I figured out how to do this one part of a fingerpicking tune that had stumped me. I had one finger at Fret 2 on the A string, and one finger on fret 5 of the high E string. And my hand was the most awkward position and I’ve been having trouble forever. So I set up my camera and made a video that was supposed to show how I can’t get this part. And then I got it. I was surprised. My hand stretches out to a really awkward degree, and I just assumed my hand was too small to do this. But it was fine! Amazing!

I think I need to replace the high E string. It’s got a medium gauge string on it and the others are all extra light. And I’ve noticed the high E is hard for me to press on so maybe extra light would be better. They should all match anyway.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this guitar training. Like, most people want to be in a band. But I still want to keep learning before I take that step I guess. I can do chords well. Things I’m learning now are more specific skills. I know how to do hammer ons, pull offs, finger picking, regular strumming, picking. I need to work on my strumming though because I use my whole forearm and I really should just use my wrist. It takes more energy to do the whole forearm and tires me out. And ideally I would be able to play more than one song at a time and do a few in a row. I’m starting to realize I need a stronger pick. I’ve been using real flimsy ones because it was easier to do upstrums with them. But now I want something a bit thicker.

I’m at a nice spot in my guitar journey to know how to make parts of songs that sound good. Like, I haven’t put it all together in a whole song yet. But I know parts of a lot of songs, and they tend to repeat. I am learning Zombie and it’s so easy, but I haven’t played through the song entirely yet. I got the tabs and printed them out. It would be nice to learn more guitar solos.

But yeah I actually don’t know what I want to be as a musician. Like, I guess everyone wants to be in a band maybe? I don’t know. I really am just doing it for me and my own enjoyment. Also it’s helping me deepen my understanding of music, which I think as another time based medium helps me deepen my understanding of film and emotional tones. Also it’s helping me connect to my emotions more I suppose. Which is something I wanted. I’m still so conscious of playing in front of someone.

I am thinking about taking singing lessons. I just want to learn enough not to hate my voice when I sing along.

My cleaner was here today so the house is clean, and I’m so relieved. Yesterday it was a mess and I was like “I could clean it, but the cleaner is coming tomorrow anyway…” I remember the first time he came over, I cleaned the house before he arrived ha ha. But it really is nice to know once a month the house gets a reset and we can all feel happier and less guilty. I have a whole weird thing about cleanliness and uncleanliness and being Indigenous and it stresses me out! Between that and my need to be constantly productive, I really need more therapy. Luckily I’m not planning to end therapy any time soon.

I have been enjoying an increase in my Vyvanse. It’s helped me be a bit more alert and also focused and getting things done. Today I finished writing a 1388 word article that’s due tomorrow. I need to sleep on it and go over it again in the morning. I also sent a bunch of emails related to a project I’m trying to get a grant for.

ALSO THOUGH I really need to make a plan for my short film I want to shoot this summer. I need to find cast and crew, and nail down a shooting date, and shoot it. I have to break down my script and find out how many actors I need. ALSO I was going to have him work in a call centre. But now I’m wondering if he could work a call centre job from home? I’m just trying to figure out how to use as few sets as possible. I need a library too. Do you know how much TPL charges to film in the library? A lot! It’s a lot! For one thing I need a $5000 damage deposit, and that’s a third of the film’s budget, so it’s not gonna be shot in the library.

I have a few other ideas of places though. Maybe. I just need someone with a table and a bookshelf that doesn’t look like someone’s house.

ALSO I was approached to act in a feature film someone is making, so I need to read the script. I keep meaning to do it while I’m on the train, but I forgot this last week. I think I can try this Sunday though.

I’m starting to have big revelations in my head about my script though. I’m making some progress in broader decisions about the structure of the film. So it’s going to look different than it looks now. Like, meaner, but also more logical I guess. But also I learned a lot in the recent few months of talking to people and my story editor and producer. So I feel like I’m more informed to write it.

I also need to find a musician who seems enough like a pop star to fit the story, but who is cool enough to let me use their tune for $1000 for my film. I just need the tune! I need to make a shortlist of people/Canadians who fit this.

ACTUALLY Ha ha I just remembered I am going to see my guitar instructor next week who was in a big CanCon band. So maybe I can ask him if he has ideas of people I could talk to.

I do know a ton of musicians though. I had my heart set on a song but it didn’t work out.

I’m having a whole bunch of other personal things going on though including feelings I wasn’t expecting that I can’t talk about ha ha. But the work stuff takes a lot of my time.

I’ve been working on my game Repatriate Me! Here’s a funny video of a glitch.

Here’s another video of my game when there’s a working health system and health meter in it, unfortunately the bat kills him too quickly!

Anyway it’s been fun to work on. I clearly need to add more health points, or make the health bears vanish/change incrementally. But I was working on it at the end of the day yesterday before I went to the train station. So I didn’t have time to dig in and figure out how to alter it. But I feel if I divide the bears into quarters, I might have enough health points to actually get somewhere in the game. I also want to animate the bat so it’s wings are moving. I think it would look better, and the rat is animated already. It has it’s little running pattern. I need to ultimately add more bats and rats and extend the scene so there’s more places to see. Also his animations aren’t playing through properly still, so that needs fine tuning.

I’m doing good although I did a bunch of ridiculous things today so far. Went to a class talk a week early. Went to my doctor’s office two hours early. Ended up on a broken streetcar and had to walk from Yonge street. I am in a good mood though, I did my STI tests and got a medication upped and my doctor sent a request for an MRI again. My liver is doing a thing and I guess they need to see what it is doing. I also am happier that more things are working in my game. I want to have something working of this level so that people can play it. I need to make a couple title card scenes. Like an opening credit and an end credit.

I really want an animation of the player falling into a box, but I’m not sure how to do that. I might have to make a scene where he’s just falling. I don’t know! I just need a few seconds to tell that part of the story.

My solo show is still on at the Doris McCarthy Gallery at University of Toronto Scarborough Campus. So if you are in the GTA you should go see it, it’s over on March 29th, when Wanda Nanibush and I do a talk at 2pm.

So yeah what else is going on? I am traveling next month to a festival I’ve wanted to show in for a long time. So that’s exciting. I got a few days in another city I have never spent time in except for being in the airport. And I have tickets to do things there so that’s fun too. I’m happy to know there are still places to show that aren’t in the United States.

I get a lot of work in the United States. So there’s been some ramifications from the Trump administration to some work things down there. Not being able to go is one (even before they started talking about banning trans people from getting Visas, I had already decided not to travel to the USA just based on seeing where things are going), but also an org doing an event in Washington at the Kennedy Center had to find a new venue. I’m showing Indigiqueer Youth videos there, and there were some drag performances. So yeah, that sucks. Technically it was not cancelled, but we were told we couldn’t present what we wanted to, which is the same thing. Anyway yeah that was an issue. The org is Crushing Colonialism and they could use donations if you are inclined to support Indigiqueer/2S artists and thinkers etc.

I’m also just constantly working on multiple projects, teaching a class on Decolonial Indie Video Games, busy busy.

I’ve got a new theory about intrusive thoughts. I was talking about it with my therapist, that I think there are energies that have information. Like there are ideas and memories and feelings kind of floating around on their own, and more sensitive people pick up on them. Because I know some of the stuff going on in my head is not coming from me. It’s like, something else out there, or multiple things really. I know I have picked up feelings of other people who had something terrible happen to them in the location I was at. It makes me wonder a lot about mental health and how much is really just being too sensitive and not having blocking or shielding on some of this outside stuff. Not like “OH she’s manic because she’s possessed” or something like that. I just think there are disembodied thoughts and feelings and memories. And some of it is really old. But when I was talking to my therapist about intrusive thoughts I said it was like there was a current of trauma out there. Like, just this weird shitty awful stuff that people connect to once in a while by accident. Not that they do those things, just that those energies float around all the time as thoughts and feelings. I think trauma makes a huge impact on energy like that.

But I also think love impacts energies. It’s just I guess when love energies are around no one complains about them, because an intrusive thought about love is like, happy sexy daydreams, or feeling happy, or any number of pleasant feelings. Why would you complain about feeling good?

Unless you are me and complain about being worried happiness is mania. Oh god that’s the worst, to be suspicious of my own happiness.

I am still working on my podcast! I need to make the song/jingle for it still and haven’t had time. PLUS I want to record another episode. I am slowly figuring out the format I want it to have, so I need to perfect it. Plus I want to have a few recorded before I start putting them out.

Also went back to work yesterday. Halfway through the semester!

I also found out I got into a festival I’ve wanted to go to for years. So I have to be quiet about where and when etc. But I’m excited, I am going to go for this screening and have a bit of an adventure etc. So that’s fun. ALSO it’s not in the United States, so going isn’t an issue.

I did find out today that they are putting through a law where foreigners getting visas for the United States will need to get them in their gender at birth. But none of my id has my gender at birth on it. And if they find out they can ban you from the United States forever. SO it’s not a law yet, but it’s what they want to do, so I’m being aware of it. And also I had already decided not to go to the USA at this time. So yeah, that does suck. But also I’m not entirely surprised.

I had such a ranty last post ha ha I totally forgot about it because I went off and had a nice few days or whatever since that post. I’m working on my projects. I got money to make a short film! I got into this festival! I found out Lily Gladstone follows me on Instagram and I was so star struck. Ha ha it was as exciting as when I realized Yoko Ono was following me on Twitter. Of course I followed them back.

I’m excited for life for a few reasons, which is nice to feel. Although the overall outlook of the world is pretty bad. But I have some things I am grateful for I guess. I’m still feeling creative and I guess I realized that we’re kind of all stuck in this hell and my job as an artist is to make it a bit more bearable. Like, the way you can cling to a song because it makes you feel seen. But with all kinds of art, not just music.

Musically I need more time to spend with my guitar. I paid for another semester of guitar lessons and then I am going to take a break and just practice until September. I’m not sure how long people usually take lessons. It feels like there’s still at least 500 things I don’t know about how to play guitar. Probably more! I don’t even know, I’m getting better at reading tabs but I can’t read music notes. I’m having an easier time picking up basic songs. I’m still trying to learn Crazy On You. This week I get to see the substitute instructor who was in Gowan, which I think is so cool. I used to be obsessed with Gowan in the 80s! All those great cancon hits ha ha.

Todd had to go to the vet today, he did his check up and got his vaccinations and his nails got trimmed. And then he came home so sleepy and has basically been sleeping on and off ever since we came home. Poor baby boy.

I submitted a travel grant because of getting into that festival. I wanted to submit to the ISO, but when I logged onto their portal, their travel grant deadline was literally yesterday. So it’s a Canada Council travel grant. Those grants aren’t really guaranteed so I’m going to try and be prepared to just be able to cover it with my own money. Who knows! I wish the arts were better funded.

I did my t shot today. Gender Affirming Care for the week, done! I’m also doing scar care on my revision though, and I am SO BAD AT IT. With the initial top surgery I was so consistent about doing it every day and doing the gel and the silicone strips. And I got great faded scars out of it. But with this one I keep forgetting to do scar care. I’m trying to be a bit more consistent. Maybe because it’s under my arm, I don’t feel as conscious of it? Which is weird because obviously I was conscious enough of that spot to want a revision there. I don’t know but I’m doing my scar care again when I remember.

I’m excited about Cows and Plows, but it’s going to be a while before we get it. When we do I can pay off my debts though, so I am hoping for sooner rather than later. COWS AND PLOWS!

Anyway my career is very ADHD right now and I’m doing all kinds of things every day and that’s just my work style right now I guess. It is slower. BUT things do get done.

You know, the creepy thing about this time right now is knowing Canadian Conservatives are watching everything happening downstairs and making notes for when it’s their turn to fuck us over. If you vote Conservative you are voting for us to be absorbed into the cruel maw of the United Fascist States (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google). And I’m not having it! We don’t need or want that shit here, and allegiance to billionaires is fucking bullshit.

Capitalism is going to eat itself, who do they expect to be their consumers after they’ve enslaved all the poor and middle class people? Do they think we’re still going to order their shitty products from a labour camp? It’s so fucked up. I mean they are just making things good for billionaires and billionaires to be (millionaires). But eventually people are going to snap. And then…

And their ideas about becoming astronauts and leaving us behind is honestly pathetically unrealistic. For one thing, space travel happens in a place with extreme radiation that is difficult to protect a crew from. Also bodies get weaker in zero gravity. Also it just sounds like a pathetically sad life, to be on a ship and then on a planet like Mars with no vegetation etc stuck in your pod. It’s ludicrous. The most logical thing right now would be to work to end climate change and try to heal our planet, instead of getting one last pillaging of the planet’s resources while hanging onto these piles of gold. Billionaires are deeply corrupt, deeply evil, deeply morally bankrupt human beings. No one should aspire to be a billionaire and hoard so much wealth that it impoverishes the majority of the planet. That’s depraved shit. That’s something only a person with no empathy would do.

Anyway how am I? UGHHH.

I don’t know, I read the story of Sam Nordquist this week and his murder. And it’s just so sad. Also makes me feel vulnerable as someone who has met people on apps for dates who wanted to meet knowing I am trans. And the fact that it was a cis woman who lured him over there also makes me nervous, because cis women get trusted so much easier than men, and they aren’t always trustworthy. Also because I’ve met a lot of cis people on apps and maybe they could be trying to lure me too. I had a rule of only meeting in my home so that my neighbours would notice if something happened. But in the past I HAVE traveled to meet someone. I don’t know. I generally put that I’m trans in my bio on dating apps because I don’t feel like coming out after someone contacts me when they aren’t looking for trans people too. BUT also there are people looking for trans people for bad reasons. It’s scary.

Right now I am on a dating/hookup break while my tailbone is healing. It still sucks, I can’t go to the bathhouse either, and there’s some play parties coming up and I’m not sure if I should bother. Blahhhh. But yeah. I miss human contact, I mean maybe that makes me sound super lonely. It’s just it’s been constantly snowing here and not the best for going out to even visit friends. Which makes me more lonely. Ahhh.

And then the world is just going to hell, and trans men trying to find love end up tortured and murdered. It’s a brutal fucked up world. Not only systemically, but also the lack of empathy towards human beings is super disturbing. It’s just like Susan Sontag said, “10 percent of any population is cruel, no matter what, and 10 percent is merciful, no matter what, and the remaining 80 percent can be moved in either direction.”

We’re fucked! BUT I still feel responsible for finding hope in our situation at this time, and so I guess I have to figure out how to be more hopeful.

I’m starting a podcast! I recorded my first episode, I need to record some music for it though and I don’t know how to write music, but I’m trying it out for the first time. I was going to do some chords, but the ones I picked made for a sad song ha ha. So I need to try that again. I also tried some picking but I don’t know about that either. I wish I had a synthesizer, I bet that would make a better tiny song. I had one before, or like an electric piano or whatever, and I played it and could improvise on it really well. But I’m still learning how to improvise on acoustic guitar and not very confident in it or where the high notes are. I dud make a few seconds that sounded nice, but the end was not great, cause it got depressing again. Why do my songs always go depressing!? I just want to make something fun and appealing that will draw people into listening to my stories for 20 minutes to an hour.

After I tried to make music, I made a cover for my podcast. It is super cute.

It’s funny because this mic is just in my living room and so with the background covered up I look like I’m in a fancy studio. Instead of on my couch so I can be near the sun. I love it. I thought I solved the mic picking up Classical FM. But no, it’s still there. It’s really quiet but so fucking annoying! And I still haven’t totally figured out where it’s coming from. I mean I know where Classical FM broadcasts from, but I don’t know which part of the equipment is picking up the station. Also what is annoying is when I look up RF Interference and this microphone, it says “This mic is excellent for protection from RF interference.” And nothing else! Like, no Mr. Mic Corporation, it’s not excellent! It’s got issues!

Anyway. My butt is improving. Like it fucking sucks yes, but sitting on it is not so awful. Tailbone injuries take so fucking long to heal from. UGHHH hate it ha ha. I will be happy when it’s healed.

I remember the last time I hurt my tailbone, I went manic, but that’s because I went off my meds. But I don’t remember when it stopped hurting, because I went SO MANIC and everything was a good time. Until it was a bad time. So I was obviously distracted, and after I came back down I was fine. Anyway.

It’s a very snowy long weekend. I’ve been going in and out of the house shovelling since yesterday, and it has not stopped. The snow banks are getting higher and higher. I had to go to the store for pee pads for the dogs and there was ice under some of the snow so it got super slippy for a while. The snow is so deep, and not everyone gives a shit about shovelling. So it’s challenging to go for a walk to be sure. It snowed a lot previously too, and I went in an Uber to my guitar class and being in the car made me feel so sketched out it’s so scary to be on the road. I am glad I am not traveling this weekend. I’m trying to just stay home and keep from having to dig us out too much by shovelling on a regular basis. I have some food in my house, so I’m not starving, and after getting pee pads for the dogs there really isn’t anything we need right now.

Being a Canadian (or for me, a nêhiyaw living in Canada more specifically) means you have to be so fucking tough. Like, we have a lot of large predators here. And moose who are not always in the best mood when you meet them. And the winters are totally bananas. Like, not so much here in Toronto, but in Saskatoon it would be minus 40 celcius with a windchill of minus 60 and we still went to school. And walked there! Like they did not give a shit it was cold. So cold. It’s very brutal weather even in the summer when it gets super hot and people die. It’s an unforgiving place with weather and animals that want to kill you. And that doesn’t include all the things going on with the Canadian people.

Back to the podcast, I am still recording them. So I’m not going to put them out yet. But I’m collecting stories and things so I might turn into Andy Warhol and carry my recorder everywhere with me in case I can get stories from friends etc. With permission! I talked to a couple friends already asking them for interviews. Plus the other part of the podcast is me just talking about life and things I think etc. I need to do more research though before picking a place to host my podcast. I think I have enough in my budget for a subscription, but I also have ethical concerns about all corporations right now. And also I would prefer a Canada based podcast hosting service but I don’t know who that would be. At this point I have no funding for it, or sponsors, or anything really. But it’s kind of just going to be a hobby and an extension of this blog, which is also kind of just a hobby.

I’ve been slowly trying to withdraw from things like, well Amazon. I felt so satisfied when I closed my account. It felt a bit sketchy at first, having to look up other places to get stuff from, or to go to the store. But it’s fine honestly. It’s cut back a lot on unnecessary purchases actually which is GOOD for me who is bipolar with very little shopping impulse control. Especially in a good mood! I also cancelled my Netflix and Disney Plus. I downloaded all of my information from Facebook in case I want to delete it, and I am torn on that still because I have contact with some people there that I don’t have elsewhere. I might just stick to messenger or something. I don’t know, but if I decide to close it I am prepared sort of.

I also downloaded Duck Duck Go as a browser, and opened a new Proton Mail account so that I can start to get away from Google. It’s just a VERY evil corporation now, I can’t support it, and also so much of my online life is baked in with Google and my gmail accounts. So that’s going to be a longer project of disentangling. Hopefully using gmail in my duck duck go browser keeps me from being tracked a bit more. But hopefully new emails come to my new email account. I still get email to my deadname email account, AND it’s what I use for Youtube. So I gotta figure that out I guess.

Anyway, it’s just horrible watching the shit show downstairs (USA). I don’t know what they are gonna do to alter the course of all of this. And then getting dragged into it with these taunts that we’ll be the 51st state is just ridiculous, we are in the shittiest time line (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google!). I think I am going to start calling out corporations as sponsors of this shit every time there is a new awful story. American concentration camps (sponsored by Amazon, Facebook, and Google). Like that.

Aside from that I’m ok, recovered from that weird mini flu I had or whatever. It’s been tiresome sticking close to home. But tomorrow I am going to therapy and then later my guitar class. So I’m looking forward to that. I need to do more work on my songs, because like, I can do a song in parts, but putting it all together is hard. And I learned most of Wish You Were Here, but there’s a guitar solo with a bunch of slides that I haven’t learned yet. AND also I still want to learn the intro to Crazy on You but that’s like, complicated!

Next week is reading week, so I am off from work. I also finished up the recent version of my script, so that’s off my plate for now. And there was something else, OH marking, I did marking. So I’m caught up on that too. So today I relaxed, but felt guilty because captalist ideas of productivity and worth fucked with me. I did clean up and do the dishes though. And had a lovely nap. The snow is coming down so in the morning I’m going to have to shovel. I have to remember that before I end up trying to leave for therapy and get trapped by a snowdrift.

I’m in a good mood really. I felt despairing when I had a whole bunch of stuff all over the floor and needed to take out the garbage. But that’s over for now. I also got groceries yesterday, and some take out today, so I wasn’t starving all day which was nice. I’ve been paying someone back an EXTREMELY LARGE amount of money and that’s finally paid off, so I’m able to relax and just like, have money that sits in my account and doesn’t go anywhere really except to bills and rent and food. It’s really nice. I also cut way back on buying stuff in general.

I had a massage yesterday and I wish it was great and the person who does it DOES do a good job, but my tailbone still hurts and I was laying on my back and it just ACHED. So I guess I will wait a while before another massage. I also think I can’t really bottom with this tailbone doing it’s sad boy thing. Someone said “You could top instead” and I was like grumble grumble grumble. I mean I could there’s options ha ha. I could be a side, if being a side means we get to have sex on our sides. I actually don’t know what being a side means in gay lingo, I guess I should go look it up ha ha. OH I guess it means you don’t do anal. Which is true for me, but what is a trans fag if he uses his front hole? I guess we need another word for front hole/oral only bottoms. I’m taking suggestions! Put them in the comments ha ha.