I started learning Spanish today, which seems kind of silly considering I haven’t finished ANY of my other Duolingo lesson trees. I know a lot of German now. French I already had a head start on from being Canadian. I’ve forgotten most of Scottish Gaelic except sometimes I can still translate pub names that are in Gaelic. I barely scratched Portuguese. BUT now I’m moving right on to learning Spanish so I can get around Buenos Aires next month. I so far learned to say man woman boy girl apples milk water bread. So I will at least be able to talk about a couple of genders and ages and eat bread milk water and apples. TBH tho there were a lot of Spanish words I already knew just from hearing them around. Like, I am pretty sure I could order an empanada no problemo.

It is kind of funny that two kinds of intense weather patterns are basically called Little Boy, Little Girl. I’ve never really thought about it before.

Anyway it’s still early in my Duolingo lessons, AND I have to travel two other places first this October so I’ll be really busy and trying to squeeze in times to learn.

I’m really enjoying my new chest. If I could make it better I would have bigger pecs tho, and I can’t work out my pec muscles for a little while longer. I mean I could but I don’t want to stretch my scars. I have full range of motion again which is great, I’m just so nervous about working that area as hard as I worked out before. Although I’ve heard I could do weight exercises that don’t include raising my arms above my head. I don’t know, to be honest everyone seems to have different ideas of how soon you can do weights after top surgery. I’m not gonna do bench presses until November at the earliest, but maybe I could start doing push ups again, I don’t know.

I didn’t realize I would like going to the gym this much until I got on testosterone. Like seeing gains is really motivating, and even having the energy to do life stuff AND still want to go work out is incredible. I definitely didn’t have this much energy before testosterone.

I’m starting to get used to being single finally. I think I was fighting it on an interior emotional level. But being single while I’ve been transitioning has been really good for me. I read all these stories from other trans guys whose partners are being manipulative and talking them down from making major steps in their transitions and it’s really depressing. I’m worried I would have been too influenced by trying to hang on to some kind of love, even a toxic love, that I would have stopped taking T, or decided against getting top surgery just for someone else who isn’t me and who might not even be around my whole life. I’m glad I took steps based only on what I needed to make myself happy in my body. Because the only for sure person who is gonna be here my whole lifetime is myself.

Also though I’m sure there’s great things about having a partner, but I have a particular freedom I think I take for granted. Like my life decisions even beyond transition only affect me. Like decisions around moving and money and stuff like that. And living alone is great, it’s very stable. I’ve been here since 2015 living on my own and it’s amazing, I am settled in my ways. And I can hyperfocus on projects and no one feels neglected.

I’m open to love but also not really feeling the vibe right now. Like I keep opening these apps and swipey swiping on people but I’m not really into continuing a long conversation for some reason. I think I should probably give it a rest until I can actually interact properly. I’m probably more open to people I already know, because at least we’ve spoken in some meaningful way and maybe belong to some of the same communities. I know I probably belong to a lot of the same communities as people on the apps tho.

I found out a couple (ok a few more than a couple) friends know my therapist, or PROBABLY know my therapist. And my therapist was really straight up with me when we started that we belonged to the same community so we probably had some friends in common. And the good news is none of the ones I suspect are people I am super super close to. It’s just awkward. I hope we never have some kind of mutual connection that is too close where we have to stop working together, because she is really awesome and has helped me get through some really negative things and patterns etc. Especially because if I dated someone too close to her it probably wouldn’t even work out because none of my relationships have worked out so far and so it would suck if I was ever in a situation of losing my therapist because I dated someone for two months. OH MAN that would suck. Luckily though it hasn’t happened so far.

Fears of things that never happen! I am also afraid a mouse is gonna run down the spout of my kettle and drown in there and then I’ll make mouse water for my oatmeal the next day. HORRIBLE THINGS!

Anyway, life is back to normal so work takes up most of my days again. Today was a heavy admin day, not as creative. But I did figure out an issue I was having with my video which I am prepared to fix now. I also got a lot of fees and payments today that let me pay my cleaner, therapist, internet and phone bill, put a sad but symbolic amount on the visa, and late tonight I got an artist fee that let me finally buy my plane ticket to London UK next month. I was getting super anxious about the plane ticket because I know prices get higher the closer to the date it is. So I totally lucked out and got an okay priced economy ticket with Air Canada who is hopefully not as sketch as they can be.

So it’s official now! I am going to London! We have a place to stay but I need to raise enough to pay the other half of the Airbnb. I know Airbnb sucks but this guy actually lives there most of the time so it’s not AS bad as some places. I hope not anyway! I’m excited because I haven’t been to London since before the pandemic. Like, 2019. SO LONG AGO so much has happened! A whole pandemic unfolded globally AND I transitioned, so I am returning a very different person in a very different time.

23andMe says some of my genes are from Greater London. I knew I had Scottish ancestors but the Greater London genes kind of surprised me. Sometimes I wish I knew all of the people in the past who combined genes to one day make me. I think the diversity of all those people makes it even more cool. I have Mongolian DNA and my Grandpa also had Mongolian DNA so I know where it comes from in my family. It’s kind of cool to think of ancient Mongolians traveling on to become Crees. I know this is a contentious subject though that makes people upset, but that’s just been what the DNA test said, two different tests and Grandpa’s was with the big Genome project. So I believe it. I do still think Crees were clearly in Canada for a long time. Like thousands of years.

Tomorrow is this Canada wide protest against trans and queer people in schools but it’s like, basically overall an anti-LGBTQ2S protest. And there’s obviously counter-protestors and so I wish I could counter-protest with them but at the same time I feel pretty obviously trans. And the counter-protestors are telling people to go with a friend and leave with a friend for safety and that people are taking pics and doxxing people. And I have very identifiable tattoos also and I have a large online presence so I’d just rather avoid it. I’ve been concerned though because I still want people in power to know how I feel. So I’m going to take some time in the morning to write to various politicians and stuff to explain my concerns. I know it’s just a small way of being heard, but I’m hoping it makes a difference. I might do an email but I also know written letters can make an impact, so in the morning I will decide if I want to do written or email. It might not help, but it might, I don’t know. It would be better than being silent, and better than being in harm’s way too.

I wish I didn’t have to be afraid. I was telling my friend today that transitioning has been such a source of joy and the only hard parts about it have been the hateful cis people. Like, literally no part of my medical transition has made me unhappy. I just get treated like shit because of it sometimes and that makes me resentful. I don’t know why cis people want to make us the problem when it’s obviously the other way around.

Not all cis people are transphobic though. Some cis people have even been involved in my medical transition. It’s just this very vocal minority of cis people who are trying to be super hateful who suck.

All this being said, I am aware that the UK has it’s own particular brand of transphobia that I might be walking into next month. I guess we’ll see!

My chest is officially healed and I got the all clear from my surgeon to go back to regular activities. SO I got to cancel all the future helping shifts and now I can take out my own trash and do my own laundry and walk my own dog! I’m gonna miss seeing people all the time tho, so I hope I can get back to being social.

Here is my beautiful chest! The surgeon said my nipples were cute and they are! I was so concerned about how they would turn out but they turned out amazing!

I’m really so happy with how it looks. I know it still has to settle into itself a bit, and the nurse said it would be 8 months to a year before I see how it really is gonna look. But fuck am I ever glad to be out of that binder. I was so tired of it, and it reminded me of always wearing a bra only it had to be on overnight too so definitely awful.

She did have to drain the two seromas I got, so that was an awkward experience, just trying not to look at this giant syringe sucking out this sad red liquid. Ugh! I can watch the needle for blood draws, but watching that didn’t even cross my mind, I knew it would be too much. And I don’t feel like fainting. And omg there was A LOT. But wow did my chest ever feel better after, no more internal pressure of all that fluid.

Anyway, I celebrated by going to see a TIFF film (The New Boy), and had a bath for the first time in weeks and had a joint for the first time in months! Not since July! I really loved all of it. I finally washed my nipples more than just letting soapy water run over them. And then I just sat in the tub running my soapy hands over my chest and feeling really happy and thinking “mine!” It was really getting to me, I don’t know. These past weeks of healing have been super hard and sometimes I would forget why I was sad or grumpy and then remember I’m healing and at the time had a bunch of restrictions. I can sleep on my stomach again! I sent a text to an old hookup to tell them I was cleared to go back to regular life so maybe I can have sex again soon too!

I’m also doing better at cleaning my house in between when the cleaner comes. Like ok, if anyone dropped by unannounced it would prob still look messy. But generally I go through and clean it ongoing, so I must be improving. I have more energy for things like that too so I am glad I can go back to regular chores.

They said I healed really well, so now I’m just doing scar care which involves this gel and massage and she said I could get silicone strips. I’m not too worried about scars BUT ALSO I know if they were more faded I wouldn’t get clocked so easy in the locker room.

I am going back to the gym in the next couple of weeks and probably starting really light and maybe only with cardio but I am gonna start going to the men’s locker room. I’m hoping it will be fine. I’ve had to use the women’s locker room when the all gender locker room is filled with kids, and that makes me feel way more awkward. So I’m just gonna do the men’s now. I don’t know if I will pack to make myself seem more cis. I kind of don’t want to because my packers are huge and I leave them home when I worry people will think I’m a pervert. Which is maybe sad and self-hating. Maybe I need a special gym packer. BUT ALSO it’s like, the gayest YMCA in Toronto and they’d probably know exactly why my chest has scars so they probably won’t care.

What else? Some people started offering me gigs so that is super helpful. I can work again for sure and hopefully will be doing three work trips next month, one to London UK for BFI, one to Nelson BC, and one to Buenos Aires Argentina. That’s a lot of work trips! But I’m glad to have some adventures in before I have to stay put while my name change goes through.

Anyway I am really happy to just feel a t shirt on now. Like right on my skin with no bra or binder under it. Free! I’ve realized so many of my shirts are baggy though, and I thought that was because I was chubby but now I recognize a lot of it was to do with dysphoria from having a chest I wasn’t happy with. So now I want tight himbo shirts! I want to show off my body more. I hid it for so long because it didn’t fit me, and now it does.

I’m still having cash flow issues, so that is stressing me out. I don’t know why people take so fucking long to pay artists but it’s not fun. I’m relieved I had a relative to borrow rent money from or I’d have been evicted by now. But also now I owe them money and the money I was gonna use to pay them back is still at least two weeks away from getting deposited so that is really frustrating. And I have some other money coming but not until the 19th. So it’s just a lot of frustrating waiting and bothering my friends to see who can lend me money for scar cream tomorrow. I hate always asking for money from people.

BUT if you want you can donate to my gofundme here.

Anyway yeah, I’m so tired of people assuming artists have a teaching career to live off of because some of us ARE full time artists and need to keep a regular cash flow going.

I’m buying lottery tickets again because I’m so tired of being poor. I’m not ALWAYS poor but I guess I am right now. I just wish I didn’t have to ask people for money anymore.

I did have enough eggs and cheese and butter for cheesy scrambled eggs today though. And I sold my last stocks to try and get money but it probably won’t be available until Monday and even then it was only like, 113 bucks. But that’s still more than I have now. And it will honestly probably go to therapy. And I don’t want to go back to therapy every two weeks because I was getting somewhere having it once a week. Anyway. I am supposed to get an artist fee that will pay the rent for October and hopefully give me enough to buy a plane ticket to London. I hate how money just disappears so fast though.

We got a weird answer from Telefilm when we applied for funding where it was like “we would love to give you money but we don’t have enough but if we get more it’s yours” and they are supposed to give us an answer by November 20th but honestly I’m losing hope because it’s already the middle of September with no word.

I do have grants I am working on, but also the grants are getting harder to get because they don’t have the same money they had during COVID. So that is a bit frustrating and I don’t know my chances on getting any of them. I got turned down for a Toronto Arts Council grant last year and honestly I’m probably applying for that project again but I guess I need to punch it up or something? It’s just my trans video. I’m trying to make it interesting and I don’t know what to do to make it MORE. I mean obviously there’s a growing tide of transphobic fascism and I should probably talk about that, especially since it’s now coming into Canada.

The Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe has decided if he has to he is going to suspend the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to make sure “parental rights” to abuse their trans children are legal. So that fucking sucks. Someone told me trans people were safer here because of the Charter but I guess not! I know they are coming after children right now (which is disgusting) but they are also going to switch to trans adults soon too. Already the federal Conservative party is going to discriminate against trans women in terms of who is allowed in women’s spaces. So they aren’t in power federally but they are in power provincially like Scott Moe, the fucking bully.

The thing that makes me feel better is seeing how many people in the Saskatchewan subreddit talking about how the Sask Party is embarrassing and making them look like hill billy rednecks and that they don’t want to vote for them. But at the same time I don’t really have a lot of hope for my home province. And even the province I am in now is being run by a conservative crook who steals land like all the other colonizers.

ANYWAY blah I am obviously in a bad mood today but also that’s mostly because I’m poor and waiting for people to pay me, and people don’t want to pay me. Or they do but in a matter of days/weeks/months when they get around to it. Or maybe never!

Healing is still going well! Things are improving every day. But also I’m really so ready to be done with healing. I am seeing the nurse on Friday for my four week follow up and hopefully get the go-ahead to get out of the binder for good. BUT also I am still a bit fluid filled and so I’m worried they are gonna say I have to keep it on for a while longer until that part is absorbed. I guess I’ll find out! One swollen section is diminishing and looking more like the other side, so that’s good. It’s a long process really. And also like, even tho it was a very wanted surgery, it’s also still a traumatic experience to have any kind of major surgery, so there’s a lot that has to settle down.

I was checking my chest today before putting gauze and the binder back on and I can start feeling the stubble of chest hair coming in. It’s kind of trippy! ALSO I had kind of forlornly given up on body hair, but puberty DOES take a number of years and so I guess this is my timeline. It could also be that top surgery sparked some hair growth while that whole area is healing. It’s fascinating.

Transitioning is really an amazing experience with many positive points. It’s depressing that people are trying to use it to achieve political ends by restricting who can access it or banning it entirely.

I don’t know that I’ve spoken much on my blog about how I feel about the political climate right now around trans rights and gender affirming health care. Clearly it affects me. I was looking into flying to South America for a gig and realized I would need to go through Sao Paolo instead of Miami because I don’t even know if I could use the bathroom in Florida when I have to pass through customs and get to my connecting flight. My ability to travel the world has always been restricted because of LGBTQ laws in certain countries, but now it’s closer and in the USA that I am having troubles.

AND ALSO now Canadians are coming up with those laws too. Of course the whole anti-trans legislation thing is a long range plan by evangelical Christians, the lowest of the low. And it’s going to lead to broader laws against LGBTQ2S people and women and BIPOC people. AND ALSO it’s being used as a distraction so we don’t attack the actual issue affecting all of us, Climate Change. Because lets be honest, climate change is coming for all of us. There is nothing that will protect us from climate disasters, especially when governments are more interested in picking on a tiny minority instead of actually standing up against fossil fuel industries.

I used to try and give audiences hope. But seeing people constantly fall for these right wing grifts using my identity as some kind of “controversial” hot topic issue is demoralizing. You know what I actually think? Fascism is gonna run rampant again and we are all going to die from climate change. I feel responsible to give hope when I talk to people about the future. But people are falling for fascism and transphobia is a real easy entry level ideology to become in love with fascism. Transphobia sells. Bigotry sells. The people with the money are just trying to make trans people the enemy to hide from the fact that they are largely responsible for ruining the earth for the next generation, and sitting on their asses trying to make the most money until they die or move to fuckin Mars.

Trans people are not your enemies. They are using us and distracting you. And you know what? If you are in favour of all these transphobic policies, maybe your house should fucking burn down and you should be flooded and you should just go to the hell you preach about so much.

Not my readers tho I know you’re generally cool.

Yesterday was a fucking HARD DAY omg. I don’t know why it was so hard on so many fronts. Besides writing that sad broken heart overshare, I also had some conflict and then got upset with how few people are signing up to come help me in the next few weeks. I mean people ARE helping me and have helped me, but also I was looking at the calendar and there were lots of times no one was gonna come help me walk Posey or do laundry or drive me to my appointment. The laundry and the ride is figured out now but I felt pretty distressed and shitty and then I felt ungrateful for asking for more help. And there were definitely times no one signed up this week for walks, some people did tho but there’s still days that totally got skipped when Posey and I were stuck at home. I can’t walk her by myself because she gets excited and pulls and she’s a strong dog and I can’t really handle that after top surgery yet. I do follow my friends when we go for a walk because she doesn’t want to go without me, but someone has to hold the leash. Anyway I think things just overloaded me and I felt really distressed and cried a bunch. And now I just have that weird shitty feeling the day after big emotions where I feel guilty for feeling shitty.

And I guess obviously I also feel bad for still being broken hearted when this person has completely removed themselves from my life. Like why haven’t I been able to just get over it? It’s no use beating myself up about it but yeah, I feel shitty about my feelings over all.

And I think some of it is just being bipolar makes me feel shitty about my emotions and feelings because I’ve been taught that having big emotions is a terrible thing and we are all supposed to be good little capitalist automatons who don’t cry or bitch or whine and if someone is mean to us we just smile like it doesn’t matter. And I’m sorry but I cannot. I cannot!

At the same time I feel guilty for having any kind of feelings that aren’t “positive.” And I guess also healing from a major surgery is hard and can be isolating and it’s just hard to keep up being happy and friendly and everything when I’m in survival mode.

Today I had an edible and yesterday I was not on any thc so I’m hoping it helps me feel a bit better. But also I just feel guilty like Alice and like damn I wish I hadn’t cried so much.

I’m sure anyone who has been reading my blog for long enough knows there’s an ex I’m kind of stuck on and it deeply frustrates me because they don’t want to talk to me at all. Also they live almost 4200km away from me and also they seem to have entirely wiped me from their memory. And also I might have criticized their other partner who I wasn’t impressed by. Generally I try to stay out of saying things about my lovers/friends other lovers/partners but in this case I don’t know, I guess I felt like I needed to say something although it was not received well. It went really badly in fact which is why they don’t talk to me anymore. And like, given the chance I guess I would try to shut up about it if we spoke again. BUT ALSO I didn’t like the way this ex was being treated by their partner and I guess it was killing me not to say anything. Especially when I would have treated them so differently.

BUT ANYWAY I’m really doing all the things to try to move on. I unfriended them on Facebook because seeing them show up on my friends list in the chat window when they wouldn’t talk to me at all was AGONIZING and I just dreaded every time I logged on. And also because I would get the little green dot when they were online and they were online a lot and that was also brutal. It just became similar to walking past someone’s house and seeing their light on so you know they are still alive. But also feeling like a stalker because why was I looking for the green dot? And that sucked because then I would look for the green dot but also still not be able to talk to them because I was forbidden. In retrospect I don’t know why they didn’t unfriend me first since they refused to talk to me for months and months before I finally gave up and unfriended them. Even though it broke my heart and I cried and cried even tho by then I was already on T which makes crying hard. I guess I can still cry when it counts.

I don’t know why I’m writing this on my blog. Maybe in case they read this and want to know why I unfriended them. Because it wasn’t like I ever hated them or anything, it was just to try and get over them. And it didn’t work in the end, although at least I am not dreading looking at my Facebook anymore. So I don’t really regret unfriending them for that reason. I am sad that they responded by blocking me though. I didn’t know that for months though because I avoided looking them up for a long time. And then I found out I was blocked and that was like another knife in my heart.

I mean really also the main problem is that I was in love with them and they had no feelings for me. My therapist says she doesn’t think feelings are creepy. But I have a nemesis who DOES think feelings are creepy and was trying to spread some rumour that I was an abuser and a stalker, so maybe that also motivated me to unfriend my ex. This sounds so much messier than it really is.

When I was at the Flaherty Seminar a professor from a university in my ex’s city was talking about wanting to bring me out there to do a screening and talk and I was just like oh man. I’m sure that would go over so well. I mostly just travel to where I am wanted, but being wanted by the university in a city where I am unwanted by my ex seems pretty dodgy. I don’t know if I could handle that. Also I am doing a name change this winter though so I will be unable to travel until it’s complete and I have my new passport.

I really wish I could say I totally let go and moved on and don’t think of them anymore. That’s a happier end to the story. But the real ending is just that I still miss them every day and wish they would talk to me again. And I think at this point that I just really fell in love with them for real and I have to live with that now. I don’t think they treated me very well though. And even if they did suddenly have feelings we would have to work through a lot to get to some kind of relationship. I would put in the work, but considering they haven’t spoken to me in months and months it seems dubious that they would ever want to put in the work.

So I’m kind of in this shitty feeling about love. It just seems very useless to me right now, I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again, or if I do if I would finally fall in love with someone who feels the same way about me. I was all having an interesting time with casual Grindr sex, but it’s also a poor substitute for genuine emotions. I am in therapy for all of this (and I had a pattern of having unrequited love that I was working on in therapy before I even met my ex) and in some ways we are progressing and in other ways it’s just like I’m stuck. I’m stuck! I don’t know how to get unstuck. I was doing an unknotting spell to try and get over them, and I have never done a spell about them before but this was like, my last ditch effort to try and move on. And it’s almost done, I just have to bury it in the garden. But fuck I don’t know if anything is ever gonna work. And I feel like a loser for still having feelings for someone who probably doesn’t even think about me anymore.

Could I contact them? Yes, I know a few ways I could. Like I never deleted their phone number (I did put a broken heart in their name in my phone tho). BUT they told me not to so I won’t. I did send a message when I unfriended them, but they didn’t even bother to read it. And it’s not like it was a mean message at all, but they will never know what it says because they will never read it and honestly they are the most stubborn person I have ever met so I don’t see that changing. I don’t know anything about their life right now, and that’s fine I guess. If I had stayed friends with them I could have kept trying to piece together what was up with them based on their sporadic vague Facebook posts, but that’s gone now and I guess it’s for the best. Really I just need to keep going with my life and see what happens to me. Because I could meet someone I fall even deeper in love with. I mean right now it seems doubtful, but I don’t know the future.

I do know that it’s probably a really bad idea to have a relationship with someone who can cut me off like this and not talk to me. Like how would we have ever solved relationship conflict? I mean we can’t even solve this and they aren’t open to me at all. I felt like we could have been really compatible, but I guess I was wrong considering how this all unfolded. I know sometimes people get over exes by nurturing hate for them. But when I think of them I just think of such soft sweetness they were capable of and I can’t honestly hate them.

When I think about the last time we spoke on zoom I feel like a dick. I was so anxious because I wanted to talk to them about what was going on and I kind of interrupted them and I feel like they didn’t realize how much I respected them and wanted to hear their thoughts. I feel regret for not being open enough with them that they could have seen my messy gooey emotional insides and realized how compatible we were. Because they were really open in a beautiful way that I was having trouble with on my end. I regret the things I held back that could have helped them see who I really was. And mostly I regret that I didn’t get to say I love you out loud, only in a message and only when it was way too late. Only when they were already out the door. And really I feel so cheap because after all that they never loved me and even told me as much. And I can’t change anything anymore about what happened. And I can’t work on it with them at all because that door is closed. It’s the most futile feeling and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’ve tried everything to fix it and it’s just pointless. I can’t make them talk to me again and I definitely can’t make them love me. Like that sad Bonnie Raitt song!

Anyway this is really just a long overshare sad blog entry and maybe if my ex ever googles me they will find it. I miss you and I wish you would come back and I know you won’t.

I was just thinking about that time I had sex a few months ago and started thinking about how I wanted them to leave so I could get oatmeal. Like I just suddenly felt done and wanted to do other things alone. It was so weird tho and I realize there’s something about casual sex that leaves me a bit bored. And I think maybe I am demisexual? But I can have casual sex and sometimes it’s fun. It’s just that I would probably not be thinking about oatmeal if I was with someone I was super in love with and lusting after. I can be attracted to people but also sometimes my attraction is really just “You don’t look bad anyway.” Like they’re decent enough and we’re both horny. I guess that’s a guy thing? BUT at the same time I think there have been people that I’ve been super into and not thinking about oatmeal at all. Like there’s a difference between “you don’t look bad” and “You’re the most dreamy person I’ve ever met!” and I know I can feel both of those things.

Maybe what I want is more sex that is better than oatmeal. Ha ha omg a real sad version of “your love is better than chocolate.” “Your sex is better than oatmeal.”

I mean the REALLY sad part of that is oatmeal is just gruel honestly. What a low bar for passion!!!

Now I wonder if I could rate sex by whether or not I would pass up eating certain foods to have it? Like there must be some kind of sex that is better than charcuterie and that impresses me because I love charcuterie.

BUT it’s not really about the sex, it’s about the emotions! How much romance and true love do you need to pass up a charcuterie plate?

OMG or a dungeness crab! With lots of butter. Who will I ever fall in love with who would possess me to abandon a good crab and oyster dinner to be with them?

Oysters.

Actually ok I’m just really hungry right now. But I have oatmeal! Which is not as amazing as oysters but apparently still beats a so-so hookup.

It’s been two weeks since top surgery! I have fluid in my left pec that might get reabsorbed or might have to be drained, I’m not sure. I am just keeping it all as healthy as possible. The irony is that the pec with the fluid in it looks so pink and healthy and normal compared to the other pec which is a bit bruisey still.

My nipple grafts are doing awesome though. More of the top layer has sloughed off and there seems to be healthy pink tissue underneath. So they took which is great. I have another week for them to do healing and then they are done the most intense parts. I mean I guess it’s like 6 months for them to fully heal, but at 21 days I will be closer to not needing to put Aquaphor on them anymore. I’m not gonna make any changes with my routine until I see the nurse again on the 15th for the four week follow up.

I’m hoping at the four week follow up I get the ok to stop using the binder, because it is chafing my skin. But I might also have to keep wearing it a bit longer because of the fluid build up in my pec. Ahh healing bodies!!!

I really want to be able to sleep on my side again. I’ve been trying to trick my body into thinking it’s sleeping on my side by sleeping more on one side of my ass and bringing a knee up to the side. But still with my chest up and my back on the wedge pillow. It seems to help. But damn, sleeping in a fetal position would be so nice. I’m really just relieved though that the wedge pillow and neck pillow have kept me from having nightmares, which is what I used to get sleeping on my back. I guess the angle helps. At the end of September I should be freed to sleep normally again. Or normal for me anyway.

I was thinking the other day about my auditory hallucination the last time I went manic in 2007. I heard this male voice say “the story goes that in the end you’ll be normal.” And I thought it was such a strange thing to say. Because I’m not really caring about what people consider normal, so I thought it was a funny thing for a ghost or a hallucination or whatever to say. But the further I go in my transition, the more “normal” I feel. Or like, my kind of normal. Normal is a terrible judgey word ha ha. I think I feel like I am embodying more of the person I really am though, so in a way normal is where I am headed.

Also unless I get meta years into the future, this is probably as far as my transition will go surgically. I’m not really interested in phalloplasty at this point in time. I guess I feel like my t dick is good enough as it is now. Like it gives me pleasure anyway and when I want to give my partners pleasure with something larger I have about 12 dildos I can use. So I don’t feel disadvantaged (although cishet women don’t seem to give me the time of day on Tinder so clearly they aren’t down for it, or at least I haven’t found one who is yet). And I like having sex with queer men and women and the ones I have been with are pretty fun and into queer sex so it works for us. I suppose I could get a stand-to-pee dildo if I wanted to pee standing up but that really only bothers me when the one stall in the men’s room has a guy having a long shit in it. BUT also my needs might change as I get further into my transition, so I don’t want to rule out anything.

My nipples don’t hurt when I touch them, but they do still have this weird nerve sensation that feels like my chest when I was healing from a tattoo. It kind of makes sense because the healing process is similar, with the sloughing of the top layer of scabs. I’m really just wanting the sensation to be normal again. I know people often have nerve sensations come up now and then after top surgery though for years. Like, those nerves are trying to come back to life and figure out where to go again, so it makes sense. And there’s a long numb part of my chest now, which is a little strange to touch. But overall it’s been a good experience.

I’m still taking a break from dating. Just until my chest is all healed up at the end of this month. I’m not too worried about it although I got all depressed last night for some reason. I think because I went on Grindr and couldn’t meet up with anyone and then felt sad about all the broken hearts I have had ha ha. Aw. BUT I am going to London UK next month and hopefully I can flirt with some people at the BFI London Film Festival. I am showing The Lost Art of the Future there. It’s my first video I made since my transition, and still has my boobs in it ha ha. There’s some straight guys who go on Grindr to find trans guys and I dunno, I don’t know if they are closet cases or just obnoxious straight guys. Either way I’m now balding and have a flat masculine chest so hopefully that helps them to fuck off. I feel like some cis gay men are more curious about me, which feels nice. That is very gender affirming. A couple of my other friends who went from dating queer women to dating queer men have talked to me about the dyke to fag pipeline and I just love that. I still feel bisexual though, I love women I am just not one.

Anyway! I can do some work again, which is good. Not physical work, like I can’t do a film shoot right now. But I can have zoom meetings and give talks and work on my laptop. So if you need me for a talk or something and have money for me please hire me! If you have money for me but no work please donate!

I think my chest has finally gotten to a point when it’s a little easier to share. The first chest pic I showed online was a little more fresh, but now it’s losing the yellows and getting more pink. It’s still healing obviously. But I feel good about it. It’s still got some swelling so it’s got a ways to go but I think it looks good.

I’m really happy I decided to go with the nipple grafts. I was so dubious for so many reasons but also having nipples was important for me. I like the aesthetics of it and didn’t feel like tattoos would get the 3D sensation of nipple grafts. They’ve been relatively easy to heal so far, and everything is still attached.

Also I’m starting to see my man cleavage between my pecs which is pretty cool. I’m really happy with how that is turning out. I know it’s still gonna be a while until I know what my chest looks like. Like honestly it will take a year for scars and stuff to settle. Also I do get keloids sometimes, but they do fade and flatten so I’m not too worried about it if that happens.

I miss the gym and I miss being able to do stuff by myself like taking out the trash and doing my laundry. I’m going to try and go out a bit more with friends in the next few weeks while I heal. Like not going to places that are super busy where someone could bump my chest. But like, going to the park and to restaurants and for ice cream etc. would be nice.