So, I’ve been trying on the pronoun “they/them” and actually I’ve decided I prefer “she/her.” I really did give it a shot. I just feel comfortable with she and her. I still feel really non-binary/genderfluid though. I still don’t feel like getting medical interventions for my gender stuff, I’m happy with the body I have.

So it was kind of surprising to me when I went swimming today how much apprehension around swimming I have had due to gendered issues. I didn’t realize I’ve had so many negative experiences swimming because of being a little girl (when I was one) and being a masculine girl especially. Anyway, there were some differences in my experience today that made me relax and feel better about it.

The first one was my swimsuit is a one piece Beefcake Swimwear swimming suit that is modelled after 1920’s swimming suits, so it’s got like, shorts, and a higher top, and it covers a lot, and for my gender it feels really good. I didn’t like all the other swimming suits I have had, ladies one piece flowers etc things with skirts and shit like that. And this is made for non-binary people and others who don’t feel comfortable with regular swimwear. It felt really comfortable and I felt protected even though I was just wearing some spandex. But I don’t know, it made me feel at ease with myself and my body. I liked it. So that was a big change.

Also the pool we went to is new, and the gendered things you find in most pools just weren’t there. There’s no gendered group change rooms, you go into individual stalls to change. Which also made me feel better as a queer, because I hate just trying to put on gym/swim clothes knowing there’s a big neon sign over my head going “DYKE! DYKE!” and feeling like lesbophobic women are starting to act weird. ANYWAY yeah, ALSO it’s just nice having privacy like that to change. I’m not really like, prudish, I don’t think, I can be naked lots of places. But I don’t always like being naked with strangers.

There’s also not gendered shower rooms, like basically it’s a totally gender neutral aquatic centre which I found SO AMAZING. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I felt with gendered swimming pools until I went to one that wasn’t.

They actually do have swimming times there that are specifically for women, and I’m curious about going to those. But mostly I was just feeling pretty safe. And it was lane swimming today, pretty “boring” stuff, so it was mostly people wanting to exercise and not really just playing in the water. I’ve never done lane swimming before, it was kind of nice though, and my arms feel a little bit stronger from it. But yeah, there were a lot of elderly people there, and that felt comfortable too, because I don’t really like being around jerky youth that treat me shitty because they don’t get me. Maybe I am just remembering that from when I was also a youth.

Anyway, I have another exercise activity I can do, and that feels pretty awesome. Swimming and boxing! I’m gonna stick with that for a while and see what happens!

It’s now AN ADDITIONAL DAY before I can get my Macbook Pro from the shop. They got the part delivered at 11am, but no one did anything until I called at 3:30 and asked how it was going, only to hear them have to go and find out the part had been sitting at the front the whole time. Then I had been told it would be 45 minutes to install, only to call at 5:15 and tell me it still wasn’t done and after that they still needed to do a three hour test, with the store closing at 6pm anyway. SO BASICALLY it’s hopefully gonna be done at 1:30pm, but the way things are going I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they manage to break something new. It’s such a shit show. OMG. I took this thing in April 4th, and it’s gonna be May 8th tomorrow.

Also I did a shoot this past weekend, so I have footage that has been shot and needs to be transferred to the new computer and converted and then brought into Adobe Premiere and After Effects for some editing and colour correction and possible other effects. So it’s like, I can’t do any of that with this broken Macbook I am using, this 7 year old sad heap. I tried to convert some AVCHD files to 4K video, and it just like, got real sad and slow and suddenly nothing worked. And then I tried to convert to even smaller files and it was just like, nope!

Anyway whatever, the end is sort of in sight, although that might completely change again depending on the skill of the repair people.

I’ve had a couple of personal breakthroughs recently, which is really nice. I guess “interpersonal” breakthroughs is probably a better way of putting it, since they involve other people. One is that I was finally able to completely let go of feelings for someone who just wasn’t feeling anything for me and wasn’t going in the same direction with her life either. I’m so fucking relieved, because I’ve been trying to be open to new women, and completely shut down at the same time. But now it’s like, different. I still doubt I am gonna massively fall in love in the next couple of months, although surprising things happen all the time. But yeah, it’s a good move for me, to move on.

The other interpersonal breakthrough is basically feeling pretty confident about no longer being friends with the “best friend” who flipped out on me three times in the last year and took everything to a dark place and got so goddamn toxic. I’m feeling pretty relieved about the end of that too. She tried to wish me a happy birthday after and it was so fucking weird, especially after her completely evil toxic sludge of a meltdown in my emails while I was at boxing class. Like not even an apology before she started trying to talk to me like she cared anymore, when her expressions before were about totally loathing me. Like loathing everything that I do and am. And it feels kind of like, fucked, like why would I have been such good friends with someone who hated me that much? Why would SHE have been friends with me so long if she’s hated me and what I do and talk about this whole time? It’s kind of sick and twisted. Anyway, THAT is over and she paid the rest of the money she owed me and basically now if she emails me again I’m going to block her and that will be the end of it. I already deleted her number, unfriended her on Facebook, and blocked her on Instagram. I guess I am still following her on Youtube but I’m gonna “unsubscribe” whenever I get around to it. Basically I only use youtube for music video watching and tutorials anyway. Plus who knows, if I keep “following” her and she has some kind of meltdown again I don’t really want to get a notice where she makes a video about the people she hates. What a drag that would be.

I’ve been listening to the new Janelle Monaé album a lot, I’m super into it. It’s kind of perfect for my life right now.

I’ve got an appointment to get my chest done, and I don’t mean top surgery, I mean a gorgeous roaring bear on my solar plexus that I can show off with low cut shirts this summer. I’m only getting the outline done first. The artist has tattooed me before, which is good cause she kind of knows my limits from the last time. I’ve managed to do about 2.5 hours before hitting the threshold of pain, and the last time was like, only an hour but she works fast. I’m scheduled in for about three hours, but that’s pretty flexible, it won’t be the whole time. I’m excited! I’ve wanted it for a while, not as long as this other tattoo I wanna get on my ass, but like, long enough that I’m sure I want it there. Eventually I’ll wanna get a Little Mister and a Posey tattoo I am sure, but that’s for another day.

I’m also getting my chin done in literally 20 days. It’s coming soon and gonna totally change my life!08

THE NEXT DAY!

I’ve got my Macbook Pro BACK! BUTTTTTTTTTT it needs to be restored, so for whatever reason I decided to follow the Carbon Copy Cloner advice from the internet and now it’s taking a fucking long time. I mean, it’s at 178.09 GB transferred right now, BUT I need to transfer 1.65 TB which is a lot. And this has already taken 3 and a half hours. SO LONG! OMG. I did this before and it went way faster, I don’t know if I had less GB at the time, or what, but this is like, oy. I am also using the external hard drive as the startup disk and I am beginning to think that was a poor choice. BUT I was following internet instructions. I’m sure when it’s done it will be fine and perfect and I’ll be in love with it again, BUT it might take 26-25.5 more hours to get there, which is disappointing. That’s basically a whole other day. MY LAPTOP I JUST WANT IT BACK!

Posey had dog class, she did good while we had high value treats like cheddar and wieners, but I ran out early, and she ran out of patience, and basically we were sent home early after she just stood on alert barking at every little noise she heard. She did good tho for a little worried dog, she’s a good girl, she just needs more cheese and wieners. Don’t we all?

It’s a beautiful day today. I’m beginning to think I might have a new crush which is totally ridiculous and it’s probably not going anywhere because I don’t really know this woman and she doesn’t know me at all. I just think someone is cute. BUT it’s nice to think someone is cute.

More cuties! More cheese and wieners!

This morning I was watching a slow lazy bumblebee buzz around outside my window. I think they are my favourite of all the bees. I took it as a good omen.

And then my mail came, and it was a confirmation of an appointment with the fertility clinic to explore getting some eggs frozen! I had to email them back to confirm, and anyway, in July I go meet with this fertility doctor! So that kind of made my day! I also found out some good work news, and am gonna have some work phone calls this afternoon.

AND I went and bought a fancy camera. I’m waiting for some lenses to get delivered today, I have been following the tracking number and it’s left Montreal yesterday and said it would be delivered today, but even tho it’s only almost 2pm, I am suspecting that it’s going to be tomorrow when it comes. UNLESS it comes around supper? Who knows! I also ordered a camera bag which came this morning with my other mail. I really want to fill it up with lenses and feel prepared, BUT noooooo where are they? Somewhere between here and Montreal.

I’ve been reading some fertility advice on the clinic’s page, apparently it’s a good idea to quit high impact exercise, which boxing is, which sucks because I love my boxing classes. I’m totally willing to stop for a while and do other exercise. I just got a new non-binary swimsuit that I want to try out, so that would be a good go to. My nearest pool has free admission, so it’s completely within the realm of possibility for me to start swimming once a week or something. It would be nice, I haven’t swam in a long time. Is it Swam or Swum? Past tense for swim? I dunno!

I got an update on my Macbook, Apple has PROMISED to ship the required custom part tomorrow, which means it would get there Friday or Monday. I’m at the top of the priority list for getting it installed, so as soon as it comes to the shop they would take 45 minutes to install it and call me to come pick it up. SO it could be soon I have my macbook, or it could be Monday. STILL that is at least an end in sight to this terrible sad situation.

AND my new camera bag also has a compartment for a laptop, so technically I could carry all of this equipment with me all at once, which would be amazing. I’m sure it would be heavy, BUT probably not as heavy as I am imagining it would be. If the lenses arrive today I’m gonna cancel my camera booking for this weekend and just use what I got.

I have a shoot this weekend and I booked a bunch of stuff, but recently cancelled some of it because basically I have a total audio package now with a boom pole and windsock/thingy and shock absorbing mount for the mic, and of course the mics I got last year and my Zoom recorder. So now with my camera and my laptop, I can basically make videos all on my own without grants again, I just need to rent lights on occasion which are so inexpensive. So I’m pretty happy about that. I’ve also been paying for adobe creative cloud these days, so I have access to all the Adobe programs and can edit shit, and do fancy ass things. It’s nice! I almost feel spoiled, except I spoiled myself, except also really it’s just work stuff so ha ha it’s like, yeah, I needed it.

The thing is, I DO need grants to make videos, because there are OTHER costs besides renting equipment. BUT technically if I wanted to do something I thought was more controversial or dodgy in terms of getting funding, I could probably do it on my own. Like say art porn or something. But I dunno, I feel weird about making porn, cause honestly I haven’t had a ton of sexual partners in my life, so I don’t even really feel like the kind of sex I actually like is the kind of sex I have even had myself yet. So making porn about sex I haven’t been able to have because I’m what the millennials call Demisexual, AND kinky, I dunno…. Seems like I need to have more experience before I can make that kind of porn. I’m just weird that way. Like yeah, I guess I just don’t want to make stuff about things I haven’t done.

Which is ALSO a funny thing to say because I’m making a feature about things I haven’t done, and that to my knowledge no human is capable of.

Tonight I think I’m gonna chill out and watch Mulholland Drive for the first time in a few years. I lost my DVD and ordered the BluRay from Amazon a while back. Actually today I took recycling out, and it was a shit load of Amazon Prime boxes and I felt super sheepish like “there’s the Big Spender in Unit X.” Not to mention this summer it looks like I’m gonna shell out a few thousand for some miracle science baby making stuff. BUT at least I don’t have to order fertility drugs off of Amazon. Although the shipping would be free.

I’m trying to do my dogs training homework with her. It literally would only take 5-10 minutes, during which she would be fed a whole bunch of hot dog pieces. But she saw me put on the treat bag and got terrified and hid. So now I’m sitting on my couch wearing a pouch of hot dogs and writing in my blog. And Posey is under the couch.

Little Mister wanted to do Posey’s homework for her, but I told him no. Even tho I know he’s so smart and obedient that I could probably teach him to juggle three balls in the air at once for hot dogs. BUT THAT’S WHY! Posey needs assistance, and he is fine. I did give him some hotdogs tho.

SO some things have happened. One is that I got my personals ad posted! And I’ve gotten some attention, which is really sweet, and who knows what will happen! The interesting thing is I am not just getting attention on Instagram, I’ve also seen women checking me out at other events in real life, which is very strange for me but also flattering. I’m not very good at flirting back, I’m used to kind of feeling like I am chasing women and feeling pathetic about it. So having interested women approach me is really unusual. Also it is springtime, which is really nice, and I think a bit of spring fever is in the air. I think the problem is part of me really wishes I was with a sort of unrequited love, and it’s just not happening, and it bums me out but also I need to keep myself open to people who can actually give me love and attention. And I just wish it was playing out differently than it is. And I also know I can’t wait around forever and just stay unloved and undesired and feeling shitty about it. And there are some interesting women who want to get to know me, and I really can’t turn down people when I don’t know who they are yet. I mean obviously I could, BUT I think it is good for me to remain open to people, ESPECIALLY when I am finally entering a period in my life where I am getting some flirty attention.

Dating is weird. I’m not actually going on any dates yet, just messaging people. BUT being monogamous now (or potentially monogamous maybe since I’m still single) makes things weird cause I don’t want to offend people being like “I don’t know and I am talking to people but things can always change,” BUT ALSO I really haven’t committed to anyone and that doesn’t mean I never will commit to one person. But it feels lowkey shitty to flirt with a bunch of people. I think I feel shitty about it just because I know as a person who accepted polyamory just because I didn’t think I could do better, how awful it feels to see someone you like chatting someone else up. And I hate making people feel shitty the way I have felt shitty.

And the other part obviously is wanting to be available for this person who doesn’t even want to spend time alone with me anymore. BUT Therapy is on Friday so that’s a plus. Gah! Why is life so weird?

Anyway! The shitty thing that happened this last weekend was my friend nuked our relationship. Like threw multiple grenades into our friendship and even gave a parting shot when I had to tell her we couldn’t be friends anymore. I don’t even feel like saying all the terrible things she said, but I was in a boxing class and she suddenly flipped out and sent multiple angry emails ripping into me about all my gaping faults and how I was gonna be a terrible parent and was a horrible filmmaker and couldn’t tell a story and she said shitty things about me flirting with people on Instagram too. Like it was so crazy and fucked up. And I wasn’t even done reading the first paragraph of her emails to me after boxing class when I knew we couldn’t be friends anymore. And this is a 15 year friendship, the same one I had problems with in January.

In hindsight I wish I had ended this friendship last year, when she started getting aggressive and negative and tearing me down and making me doubt my experiences and my relationships with other people. I now see she was trying to bring me down because she was threatened by me. And I held on so long because we had years of good friendship times, and I thought if I waited long enough she would go back to the way she used to be. But instead she just got worse and worse. OH and she got angry at me for not responding to her fast enough through emails. And last week I had a deadline I was working to, and a lot of other work and social events to be involved in. So really I couldn’t spend the emotional energy to respond to her. And I was going to, but then she started ranting about how horrible assisted reproduction was and how the government shouldn’t pay for it. KNOWING fully that I have a referral to a fertility clinic to freeze my eggs and eventually do IVF with a surrogate. And I think I was making spaghetti sauce, and I was like oh man I had better answer this, so I sent a one sentence email kind of telling her it wasn’t okay, especially when talking to an Indigenous person who comes from a city where they were nonconsensually sterilizing Cree women as recently as a couple of years ago. And then she got madder and double downed, and then I was doing something else and could only answer on my phone so I sent another one sentence email. ANYWAY that’s when she flipped out the next day. Yep.

SO it’s my birthday in three days. And I’m looking forward to it, even tho my ex-friend did her damnedest to make me feel as shitty about myself as possible. The thing was she was working hard to make me feel shitty for a whole year, and it was an entire campaign. And I’m just like, so done with it. She can fuck off back to loserville. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen, like a two year old having a tantrum in my inbox calling me a poopyhead. Only with adult language and years of intimate knowledge of my life. It was fucked. And the other thing too is that I was coming to realize I would need to end our friendship anyway when I got into a serious relationship, because she’s made it clear that she HATED anyone I liked, like just loathed, for no good reason and without ever meeting these women. And part of me knew if I got a girlfriend she would actively try to break us up. And I just didn’t want that kind of negative energy in my life anymore. SO going into my 40’s without this friendship is a blessing really. And I don’t think I’m gonna let anyone treat me that badly again. It’s over, my boundaries are clear, and I’m way better than that.

So today I got myself some kind of flowering plant to kill this season (I am bad with flowering plants) and I went to my favourite Thai restaurant for basil beef and fried bananas. I washed the floor to get this bad energy out of my house. And I got some lottery tickets on the off chance some magical karma is coming my way.

Today 10 people died on Yonge Street. And I talked about it a lot on my Facebook. And it’s becoming clear to some people (and I don’t know how true this is) that the driver of the van that plowed into all those people considered himself an Incel. That’s kind of a dark underbelly I am still shocked by. I haven’t had sex with another person in a really long time, but I’m still not gonna try and start some kind of toxic masculinity “revolution” over it just because I’m bad at getting laid. I was telling Mom how ridiculous it was, this whole Incel thing, and she was like “Oh but you’re not a man! You don’t have those urges!” (She’s totally joking she knows it’s a bunch of bullshit) and I was like “OH god, you can solve those urges with a hand and a piece of kleenex!” I mean sure it sucks not having an intimate relationship, but I think there’s probably some good reasons some people aren’t getting women’s attention the way they want. Like being a misogynist pig who thinks it’s legit to kill people because no one touched your penis recently. It’s been a fucking long time for me, but I have access to toys, porn, and my imagination, and until I find someone I can have a mutually loving relationship with, I’m just gonna have to live with that and the love of my friends. And that’s okay!

UGH some people! To ruin and destroy so many peoples lives just because of something petty like that.

Posey still doesn’t want my hotdogs. And I’m not gonna make her eat hot dogs if she doesn’t want them. I guess I’ll put them away and see if she wants to do her homework tomorrow.

I did my laundry, made chicken wings, went to an appointment, had a phone meeting, and wrote today. It seems like a lot. I had a look at my week this week and it’s like, oh man, soooooo many things to do. Like I don’t even have time to go get my hair cut, unless I go super early one morning. And my hair is getting plenty shaggy. I don’t feel like talking about work, even tho that’s basically my whole week and weekend coming up (yes! Both Saturday and Sunday!)!! What do I want to talk about?

I’ve been mostly writing about feelings this last year and some. Okay, so probably longer than that. I have a lot of feelings! All the time! I’m not crying everyday anymore though, so obviously things are changing for me, which is probably a good thing. It was getting ridiculous. Just start writing about something and then cry cry cry.

I think that’s what happens when you spend a decade thinking your life is gonna REALLY start when you finally get into a serious relationship. And meanwhile things are happening, like life is still going on and things are majorly changing and it’s still like “Someday I will have a girlfriend and everything will be perfect and I can do all those things I always wanted to” like have way more adventurous next level sex, and have a family with human children instead of just dog children, and live with someone, blah blah blah. BUT waiting around for that to happen kinda sucks. Like it’s just boring, even if there are cute people to flirt with it doesn’t mean much if they don’t want to really be with you. Like maybe things are meant to happen without this unknown partner.

At the same time, I spent a long time crafting the ultimate Herstory Personals ad to submit tomorrow, and it’s probably not gonna get me any dates, but maybe? Maybe it will at least pique some interest.

Someone not very long ago told me they thought I was too cool for them and that’s why they didn’t date me. It’s kind of bothered me ever since. I mean, she went on to get married and have a happy life or whatever. But I’m left wondering if I am some kind of horribly cursed TOO COOL person who people are afraid to date. Oh man! And the thing is I see myself as quite a nerd really. I like all kinds of weird things which probably aren’t cool, I do thinky things like write all the time, I make experimental videos a lot, I would rather spend an evening in with my dogs than go to a club. I’m not cool! It was hammered into me through elementary school that I was SO NOT COOL and therefore so not respected. And my teachers would always write “Thirza is well respected in class” and then some kid would be calling me ugly on the playground and I’m like seriously? You really think this, that these white kids respect me? Some NDN nerdy tomboy?

Anyway ha ha let’s save that for therapy at the end of the month.

But anyway, I don’t really know how people see me, I mean potential dates. Yesterday while I was walking to Kink Toronto to pick up a cane and another hurty thing, my friend was texting me being like “I didn’t know you were famous. Did you know you are famous?” and I was like “Ha ha yeah.” But it’s still kind of ridiculous, like I’m not TMZ famous (thank god!), but I’m famous enough people write about me in university classes.

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I abandoned this post, finally came back to it. It’s been a busy week, only halfway over. I’m tired, I worked on my writing really really hard yesterday, then was immediately unhappy with it and today ended up getting my haircut and thinking a lot. Also went to an AGM. And had a teen burger. I’ve been doing some good stuff this week, mostly not wrapped up in my feelings the way I was at the beginning of the week. I did get my Herstory personals ad in, so I am hoping it gets posted. YAY! It better, I gave them a donation.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I wish I had weekends back. I mean, honestly I am mostly making my own schedule these days. I just wish I had more veg out time.

My laptop was supposed to be finished today, but I didn’t get a call back. I’m hoping they call me tomorrow. I really want it already, I want to go back to my real life laptop.

I’m thinking of reworking how I operate on social media. Not so much NOT being on social media, more being judicious about how I relate to each one, in particular Facebook. I need to figure out what I am getting out of Facebook, and what I am NOT getting out of it, and what I want them to know about me and be able to sell to people. Because I have no hope that they will ever not be selling my data. That might look like me unliking a bunch of pages that are more commercial, changing my settings and profile info, reducing my use of check ins. I’m not totally sure and I gotta think about it a lot. Also people have been using it for networking with me, and in many ways I see my profile as more of a personal place for real life friends. I may delete a bunch of people who just lurk, because I feel like I don’t want people seeing my profile when I don’t get anything out of them. I also know I’m not gonna leave because it’s become the place to find out about events and publicize things. It’s very frustrating, this dependence on that ONE site. The other thing is that I am going to try and spread myself around a little bit more, use Twitter a little more, use Tumblr, I like Instagram because it’s a more chipper positive place. But FB owns it too, so it’s not really such a separate place. I usually post things from Instagram onto my fb, but only because my Mom doesn’t have an Instagram. I might change that too tho, and not share as frequently from Insta to FB. Ha ha fuck. I’m also really happy that Open Diary opened up again, because I got a lot more emotional validation there than any other social media network I’ve been on. It’s going to be a subscription service. But to be honest, I would pay for that kind of honest anonymous way of relating to strangers again.

Ha ha yeah and obviously I have this overshare blog, but this is my artist page project, and not really part of a social media network. I have way more control over this page. Anyway, those are my thoughts.

I seem to be attracting more and more work opportunities these days, which has been really nice. I’ve talked before about feeling really career oriented pretty much my whole adult life, and some of my teen years also. But it’s been interesting, because often I had to rely on other bizarre jobs to get by, or welfare or disability. And it’s starting to get to the point where I don’t need to do unrelated work or welfare/disability. And it’s pretty awesome. I just got offered a job directing a doc episode as part of a series, and this morning someone offered a writing job to me. And I have a lot of other work this year I have to do besides that. Like two short videos and this feature script (which is getting worked on today!). If I stop and think about the work I have to do this year I get super overwhelmed, which was kind of a feeling I was getting last year too. BUT ALSO I think I am doing okay with it. And I think it’s gonna be a fun year. And there are ways to get through this heavy workload if I am careful and do a lot of preplanning.

This afternoon is my writing time. I’m on a deadline again for the script, so I’m trying to devote a few hours every afternoon to working on it. It’s been going…. interestingly. Like it stalled for a couple weeks while I sweated out my thoughts about it. Then the other day it just started coming and was flowing really well. Then my laptop broke because of a dumb thing I did trying to get dirt out from under a key. Now it’s in the shop, and I have a week with my OLD laptop. Oddly enough it’s easier to use the old laptop, because I was trying to make do with my external keyboard on the new broken Macbook and the surface area is smaller and the keyboard was touching the touchbar and either way I couldn’t just rest it overtop the internal keyboard. So I had the screen FAR away and squinted my way through writing. Ugh pain. I’m gonna get my Macbook back on Tuesday or Wednesday. So in the meantime it’s gonna be limping along with this. I’m looking forward to having the new one back. This one has some laggy issues, the beachball shows up a lot, I did a software update but sometimes it’s just so slow and unhappy. I also deleted some stuff off here that I don’t need because it’s on another hard drive.

Ha ha boring work talk.

But really it makes me think I might actually be able to carve out the kind of life I want for myself. I’ve poured over two decades into my practice, and two degrees, and I sometimes felt really frustrated and held back by forces I didn’t understand. And my health issues in my 20’s kind of kicked me back down the ladder for a while. I took years to come back from my first hospitalization. I think it’s also though, just a question of being in the right place. For whatever reason Toronto seems to be the right place for me. I feel pretty involved in the community, I’m doing a lot of volunteer work with some media orgs on boards and in collectives. Which is nice, I always liked feeling involved in my community. I did some of that in Vancouver, not so much in Saskatoon, but here it seems like a good place to get involved. I’m also kind of lucky that I have done such a variety of work in my field, because I know stuff about docs and about narratives and have an experimental aesthetic and also write all the time. Like even my days off I am writing something. Maybe it’s just a diary entry about my feelings, but I feel like I’ve written thousands of pages even just in the last few years and although volume doesn’t equal quality, it is also way easier to write the more you do it.

Anyway ha ha omg I should probably go do my writing job right now and work on my script. Maybe someday I will start being able to write love letters to someone again. That would be nice.

It’s April Fools day! And Easter! I didn’t do a whole hell of a lot today, walked Posey, we went by the farm and it was open, so I dropped her off at home and went to see the new lamb. It was small and sleeping and super cute. I also saw some piglets which were also very cute, and some goats. Then I did weights for a half an hour and managed to do three sets of 10 different exercises with them, so that was good. Now my shoulder hurts though and I think I might have fucked it up or strained it or something.

I had an Easter dinner with my friends on Friday. My friend Erin told me that the dismal stats for IVF rates are skewed because the majority of them are based on cishet couples already facing fertility problems. And queer people making babies have way better chances. So I feel a bit more hopeful about that. Queer bonuses!

I’m finally in the last stretch of my 30’s! I’m turning 40 on the 26th of April, and I am super excited about it. I’m ready! I’M READY! I mean, I can’t say my 30’s were shitty, I did a lot of crucial personal growth in my 30’s, like health wise in terms of kicking my addictions, and career wise, and education wise. And moving to Toronto was a good event. But for some reason I feel better about my 40’s coming up. I feel like I might be more myself. I am not sure what I mean by that. I guess, that I feel I might be able to learn to love myself as I am and not feel like I need to push myself to be someone else. That probably sounds funny when I just started doing boxing this year and my body is changing. But I feel like I am more able to start asserting my needs more frequently, especially in relationships. Like things I want to explore in sexual relationships, and the level of commitment I am ready for, and the future I see for myself. Because I feel like I spent a lot of my 30’s being so wishy washy and a pushover when it came to romantic relationships where I would just take what I could get, and what I could get was usually so very little. And now I don’t want those kind of shallow non-relationships anymore. I want someone who’s brave enough to state what they want and make a commitment to me and be just as into the idea of a family. Like, I’ve never lived with anyone before. I like living alone, but also it would be nice to know someone is coming home to me, or that when I go home someone is waiting. Like just things like that. But at the same time I don’t want to spend the rest of my adult life feeling like I need to make someone love me if it isn’t happening. Yeah.

And I think I’m going to start taking less shit from people. Like I think I’m just gonna be way more assertive. It would be nice, to feel like I’m making myself heard. Like when I’m in a concert and someone is talking loud and being a jackass, I wanna be able to tell them to shut up! That kind of thing.

But also I think a lot of good things are gonna happen in my 40’s. Like I do think I’m gonna have a family, and I think my career is gonna go well. I would like to be financially stable. I’m not real sure how that is going to happen, but I know there must be a way to do what I love and have a steady income. I want to stay in this co-op. I really want to be able to get into a three bedroom when I have kids, but I’m not sure about it because it’s hard to get into three bedrooms here. But that would be nice. I want to train Posey to be a more secure dog so she can have some people-friends she trusts, and it would be a bonus if those people she trusted were also my friends and future lovers. I would like to have a credit card, and not because I feel like I want to go on shopping sprees, but more because I want to be able to check into a hotel and not have to worry about getting denied because I have no credit card. It’s hard cause I’ve never had a an actual job for a long enough period of time to have a credit card.

I would like to feel like I am getting somewhere in therapy and resolve some old shit that has been hanging around my life for too long. I would like to let go of things that have made me angry for years that won’t ever be resolved, without feeling like I have to forgive the people who hurt me. I would like to meditate again. I would like to feel like I have a spiritual practice that makes sense to me. I would like to find the right person to give me my spirit name that isn’t gendered and is also Plains Cree. I would like to learn more Plains Cree, enough to have a conversation, even if it’s just a ridiculous conversation. I would like to know the Cree word for my particular gender and orientation. I would like to know more ASL and be able to have and understand a dialogue with another ASL signer. I would like to keep learning boxing and feeling like I am familiar with my body. I’d like to be more sexually adventurous even on my own. Maybe especially on my own, I kind of landed in a rut with my vibrator and I have about $1800 worth of sex toys that AREN’T getting used when they could be. I remember when I was younger and lived alone for the first time I was doing so many things on my own and finding out so much stuff about myself like how much I liked hot wax. Now I don’t even remember the last time I used hot wax in play. I want to find an adventurous partner who also really loves kissing as much as I do and would be happy just sitting around making out and that would be like a solid date activity. I want to be able to tell my friends they are assholes when they insult me instead of weakly smiling like I don’t give a shit. I would like to have enough money that I can do the big things I want to do without freaking out and worrying all the time. I would like to feel secure enough that I don’t always have to check my bank account. I would like to be able to go on more holidays without needing to time them to a convenient screening that happens to be in that location.

Yeah, I feel like all of those things are doable. One other thing is I would like to take more emotional risks, even if I fall on my face and make things awkward. I feel like there are things worth taking risks over. I feel like there are some people in my life who I’m talking with but really know there is a whole other conversation we should be having but we aren’t, and we need to have those conversations, and I need to be brave enough to take a risk and bring it up. I feel like I want to tell people I love them more often, especially when I feel it so strongly I don’t know what else to say and I get all flustered and miss the moment. And I want to hug more friends. And see more people. And go out into the world more often and stuff.

Yeah it’s a lot. There’s a whole lot of career stuff I want to do too, but that’s something else.

I think being 40 might feel really liberating. It would be nice to step out of my 30’s and feel like there’s a line between some really self destructive patterns I was in, and my future, which could be all of these great things.

Sooo I dunno, I guess I felt like writing again. SO SOON! It’s a bad time for communicating because it’s Mercury Retrograde. I had a virtual consult with Posey’s trainer and the video feed stopped working and then she called me and then the call dropped, so she had to call again. It’s Monday and I haven’t heard back from the fertility clinic yet. I’m terrified some terrible thing will have happened, like my referral fell between the cracks somewhere. But my doctor said it would be a couple of months before I see them anyway, and on their website it said they would make an appointment in 4-6 weeks.

I did a good chunk of writing today, which was good for me. I’m getting back into it. I’ve also been doing a bunch of research in the evenings on various fertility treatments and egg freezing and when eggs start losing quality and apparently the best time to freeze is when you are 37 and older eggs have more chromosomal defects and a higher chance of producing someone with Down Syndrome, and older men’s sperm ALSO has been correlated with things like a higher incidence of Autism. There’s a lot of things to weigh and statistics aren’t great for older women/people with eggs having a live birth, even with fertility treatments. Like besides quality, there’s also just way less of them, often. And I have been getting hot flashes, which could mean I’m already heading into infertile territory. The good news is that they do tests before giving you fertility drugs and scheduling you for the surgery, which is putting a needle through your vagina to your ovary to take out eggs one at a time. OMG. They recommend freezing 24 eggs, and I used this frzmyeggs calculator and according to my age they can probably get 7-10 eggs in a cycle. AND Ontario only pays for one cycle, usually people do multiple cycles. So it’s like, on one hand I have access to miracle science babymaking methods, and on the other hand it’s super limited in scope of what is covered, AND I have to pay for my own fertility drugs.

OH OH OH! Also fertility drugs cost thousands of dollars. Yikes. BUT in my googling I went on the NIHB website to see what meds are covered for Indigenous folks. And of course, fertility drugs are NOT covered. Birth Control IS covered. But my friend Melody says on remote reserves they don’t stock Plan B. So it’s like, some fucked up anti-Indigenous policy there. Like do I have to explain why that is fucked up? The less Indigenous babies being made, the better for Canada. Which is some fucked up shit.

Also obviously the Indian Act was written before people considered queer/same-sex/trans/poly families. And there’s been a notice on their website for a few years now that they are gonna update that section to make policy around how same sex families can pass on Indian Status to their kids. But I feel like there’s probably some white bureaucrat who’s been extremely hungover all this time wearing shades sleeping on his desk being like “Yeah yeah I’ll get to writing that, just give me five more minutes.” Ugh. SO yeah, it hasn’t been updated yet. Like they are probably not even at the point yet of brainstorming with a big piece of paper and some sharpies all the different ways queers get babies.

Senator Murray Sinclair had this video on CBC Indigenous today about how the biggest problem Indigenous people have is self respect, and then went on these SWEEPING generalizations about how we don’t know how to parent or be in loving relationships or good wives and husbands and we don’t know our culture or our beliefs about there hereafter and I’m like jesus christ what Indians are you hanging out with? When I look on my facebook I see so many Indigenous friends working really hard at parenting their kids and trying to deal with current issues like bullying and racism and giving them good self esteem. And people connecting with their culture, and knowing our history, and passing down old old wisdoms that our grandparents taught us, and I even had a car ride not long ago with my friend Terri where we talked about our elders who were Christian suddenly talking about old time beliefs in the afterlife that were tribally specific and fully believing that is where they are going even tho they talked about Jesus most of their lives. And I know that this isn’t an either/or, like not ALL Indigenous people have it together, some ARE shitty parents, some ARE passing on abuse that comes from residential schools to the next generation. Yeah, but I didn’t like the way he talked like NONE of us are able to do these things or be connected to our communities/families/culture/beliefs.

Anyway, yeah. There’s some internalized racism there.

And I have it too, like my Mom did parent me pretty well, there were things I wish were different, but ultimately I think I turned out ok. I have some self esteem issues but that’s also related to bullying that I was a victim of in school. Anyway. I know I can parent, I’ve been looking after these dogs for years, I’ve lived with a kid, I’ve got qualities that seem suited to it, I’ve thought about it for a long time, I feel like I am ready. But still part of me feels like oh geez who would want me to parent? I’m a bipolar queer poor single Indigenous artist, like that’s a whole bunch of things people don’t like. And I guess part of me still believes that it’s not for me, like I just assumed I wasn’t capable of it, even tho I’ve worked for years to get my self esteem back to normal and feel like I can affirm my abilities. I know sometimes my family has a low opinion of what I can do with my life. I don’t know what to do about that. Nothing I guess, and really it’s not my problem if they have those feelings.

BUT also I am in a different place in my career than even a few years ago. I’ve been getting more work. I have stable housing. Except for not having a partner, and wanting to wait another year before finally trying to fertilize these eggs so I can get some more work done on a project and stuff, I’m pretty much in a good place to have babies. Like I just don’t want to keep waiting for my life to start, waiting forever for a partner someday. I might get one, but I might not. My psychic has seen someone in my future. I just don’t know though, and I want to start doing things now to get the future I want happening.

I read my tarot cards about where my goals are, and it said something about how this problem I am dealing with right now is still being reluctant to let go of the past. And to let those old thoughts and stuff crumble and disintegrate and be ready for new beliefs and ideas to come into my life. And to some degree that’s true. If I was totally over the past and ready to move on, I would be trying to make a baby this year. But there’s just, ugh. I need a little bit of time still. Which is why I am freezing eggs.

OMG so weird, I’m one of those people who can feel when I ovulate, and I can feel it while I am writing this. That’s a good sign! I was worried I wasn’t feeling those as much, but it seems to still be happening.

When I first got my ovarian cyst, I stopped having a period for three months before it came back. It was so weird, I actually took a pregnancy test I was so confused, even tho I’d not had sex with anyone. I got it removed after I had my ablation, so I don’t know if it would have made a difference for my periods. Anyway. Weird women/AFAB stuff.

Sooooooo I kind of made a major life decision the last few days. I think part of my desperation to get a partner has been so that I can move on to the NEXT part of my life where I have children and a family. And it was just not happening, and making me sad and frustrated, and I think I got wrapped up with people who want to flirt more than actually have relationships with me. Anyway I was upset about it sometime this week and like crying while writing in my diary about how I feel stuck and I just want to MOVE ON to the next part. And yeah my career is important, and that won’t stop, and I am in the midst of some major projects. But something snapped and I was like wait a minute! Why the fuck am I waiting for someone to come have a family with me? Like, it might never happen if I keep waiting around like this. And I’m just getting older, I turn 40 next month. Like it’s kind of a crucial thing that I have children pretty soon if I want to keep up with them. I don’t want to be 50 with a toddler. I have long living genes in my family, like people live into their 100’s and 90’s on both sides of my family. So I’m not worried about becoming decrepit really fast. So I feel like even tho I am older I can still do it.

Anyway, there are a lot of ways to end up with a baby. But I’ve really come to feel that I want my genetic material to live on, and it’s not just because I am egotistical, like it’s also got to do with being Plains Cree, and my family history, and the fact that so few of the people on my maternal side are going on to have children, and I feel like it’s kind of important that this line continues. Like there are some really nice attributes in our family that I just feel are important and I would like to see in a kid. And being able to tell a child about their family history and where they come from and who their ancestors were and how they survived hundreds of years of genocide just seems kind of important to me. I like that I know that stuff, and I think raising someone who knows all that is pretty cool too. And I also think about what kind of donor I want, and I kind of would like another Cree person/man to be the father/donor. And I have also thought more about who would be involved in this baby’s life, and I feel like being a single Mom in the future, and having a lot of queer parenting role models in my life, I think I would be open to that person being a co-parent. I mean, we would have to all be on the same page, and I don’t know how involved they would want to be.

SO long story short I got a referral to a fertility clinic to do egg retrieval and freezing. And I’m really not sure of the state of my eggs. I’m glad my doctor got me to start taking folic acid several months ago though, because that is supposed to be good for fertility. But I am 40 pretty quick here, and time is of the essence, and once they are retrieved and we know some/enough are viable, and they are frozen and stored, then it buys me a bit of time to find a surrogate.

So I was talking to my ex today because she has a kid, and we talked about babies and the first year and what surprised her and what she had to say about her experience, and she asked my timeline. And I am thinking about two years. Like it would give me time to negotiate with a donor and a surrogate and save money to pay for a bunch of this stuff. And it sounds expensive, but also Canada has rules against paying your surrogate, so it’s more like, paying for the costs of pregnancy like food and rent when they need to take time off work and life costs and that kind of stuff. And also Canada pays for health care so hopefully a lot of this will get covered. Anyway, I’m excited and like, kind of feeling way more sure than I expected I would.

The other thing was yesterday when I went to my doctor’s office for a referral to this clinic, I was so worried she would be a jerky gatekeeper or something and be like “You are too poor/single/disabled/whatever to have a child!” BUT she wasn’t at all! She was really excited and happy and totally pleased to refer me and I was so relieved. When I walked home I felt like I was walking on a cloud, and then when I got home and wrote about it in my diary I totally cried because it was like, the first big step, and easier than I had thought, and I wasn’t facing a major obstacle yet. And I know there are a lot of variables that could happen in the next couple of years, like my eggs might not be great, or they might be fine but when it comes time to get an embryo to implant it might not work, or there could be a miscarriage. I mean it could go off the rails at any point along here. And there are still options after that, like donor eggs, or adoption, all kinds of things. BUT I really want to try and see this through and see if I can make a small human out of my eggs.

It’s kind of ridiculous, like I didn’t want kids for so long, and then just the last few years have I suddenly started changing my mind. And I’m prepared for what early childhood is like, because I spent a good number of years living with a little kid who was going through all his developmental phases. And like, he wasn’t living with us full time, but he was around like, for days and sometimes weeks on end, so it’s not like he just would be at our house for a couple of hours at a time. And even tho it would be more convenient, I’m still kind of glad I would not be the person going through pregnancy, because I have fibroids so I got my endometrial lining out so it’s not possible anymore, and if I had been pregnant I would have had to go off my medication, and there would be a risk of post-partum depression or psychosis, and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed because of my medication. And I just don’t want that, I’ve worked so hard to be stable this last eleven years. And yeah babies wreck sleep. BUT still, I think this way is better.

Anyway, doing this is more interesting than trying to get women to love me ha ha. OMG. I feel ridiculous for waiting so long just because I wanted a partner first. Like, whatever. I don’t want to base my life decisions on NEEDING someone else before I do something. It’s been really ineffectual and depressing. And there are way more options for queer co-parenting than having a romantic partner. Like obviously if I fell in love with someone who loved me back and wanted to be in a family with me I would still go for it and feel really happy about it. But this waiting is just really fucked up and insane. And there’s babies to be made!

And I’ve been having dreams about my son since I was 20. Like not EVERY night or anything, but definitely he has shown up in my dreams at different life stages and it’s always had a really positive tone to it. And I know I might end up with a girl, but something tells me I am gonna have a son. I mean also there are variables in gender like they could be trans or something. I dunno. But my psychic has also seen a little boy in my future. And she only started talking about my kids the last couple of times I have seen her. But she has seen them. She sees two actually, but one comes after the first one. So I don’t think they are twins. I don’t know, I haven’t dreamed about more than the son.

In some ways I still feel really young and unprepared, but I’m in a good place in my life, even tho I am single, and I am not young anymore, I’m in some positions of responsibility now, and I have been paying my bills and my rent on time this last while, and I’ve figured out sort of how to make a living. Like I’m ready, and in other ways I do recognize that. And I’ve done my crazy shit as a youth, and traveled a lot, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore so I think I’m pretty healthy in those respects to have a child in my life.

Anyway yeah. I’ve been thinking about this a long time, and feeling defensive for a while about this future child and who will be involved in his life and who won’t and where I am making boundaries around him and where I have to let him go and make his own mistakes. And it’s been a really interesting inner process I’ve been going through over this.

So in those regards, this isn’t coming out of left field at all. I’ve had long conversations in email with a close friend about this kid over the last several months, whoever he turns out to be. Or she. I really don’t know. But I feel like I just gotta start and see what happens.

I feel kind of defensive about the whole thing, like if someone is gonna try and come piss on my dreams ha ha. But on the other hand, a lot of people on my friends list on fb are parents, and they seem to manage. And some of them are single. And a lot of them are queer. And I’m glad the fertility clinic I am going to is queer positive and single mom positive. So yeah! I’ve been talking about it with my Mom, and it’s so preliminary, we have talked about possibilities and stuff, and it’s like, I don’t want to assume this means I am gonna have a baby from one of my eggs. Because we just don’t know. But both of us want to see what happens, and I guess that’s as positive as anyone can be having kids after 40 when it’s this complicated.

It’s Tuesday. I had a busy weekend. What the fuck did I do? I went to a house show on Friday night, my friend was playing for the first time in their two bands. I had massive social anxiety though and left early. Then Saturday night my friend Riki and I went to see Beth Ditto play, and she was amazing, and has this great southern drawl, and we got to stand right against the stage and she looked into my eyes and sang to me and I was like okay this is amazing! I want to stand in front of the stage all the time!

Sunday was an AGM for Pleasure Dome, and it went really long. I didn’t expect it to last that long, and I had to miss a friend’s birthday dinner, which was too bad. BUT now I am on the board, which is cool.

I wrote and performed a reading on Monday night as part of a screening series at U of T called State Violence and Indigenous Resistance. I think it went well.

And now that all of that is done I’m back to my life, which means getting my ass in gear about writing this script. The first thing is doing a beat sheet, AGAIN. And my editor is like “Omg your main character has no job what does she do??” Which is true she needs substance. So I have to give her a life. Ha ha. She’s supposed to be younger, but also the editor liked a story I told on facebook about something that happened at a symposium I was at. So I am thinking of making her a blogger/activist of sorts. Except she has to make some kind of living at it. And it’s funny, because I literally have been a blogger for well over a decade and I’m not making a living at it.

Sometimes people cruise by here and scoop up my email and send me messages being like “I can help you monetize your blog!” or “You have weird content and if you wrote the way we describe you could make money!” and I’m like noooo this is a weird self indulgent artist project. Ha ha which I make no money on. BUT youtube bloggers seem to make money. I’m not a youtube blogger tho. I mean vlogger. Ugh whatever.

ANYWAY, the point is, people somehow make careers out of being activists with opinions, so I think that’s kind of the slant I want my character to have. But like, maybe a bit more creative than that. Anyway, I’ve been grappling with this so that I can write out my beat sheet in an interesting way. Right now I am doing laundry, but this afternoon I want to get a good chunk of writing in before boxing at 6pm.

I’ve been having crappy sleeps this last week, and apparently there was a solar storm which explains some of it. I even had to take Ativan three times this last week and a bit just to sleep properly. At first I thought it was because I have a fucked up life, but no, that’s not the ONLY reason I was sleeping badly. Lots of people were sleeping badly.

Sometimes I just come here to warm up my writing actually. Like I guess sometimes good thoughts come out, and sometimes it’s just bleeding out the bad, but often it’s just warm ups. Like vocal warm ups.

My mind is kind of all over today, and I took my Vyvanse so that’s not an excuse. I’m trying to refocus on my career, and some life stuff happened instead that distracted me for wayyyyyy too long with no real point to it. I mean I guess I could say I learned something about life and myself through the experience. But like, whatever, I’m tired of my life being a Degrassi High episode with a moral point to it. Ha ha ha. Like “You could have avoided this whole thing if you had been thinking clearly and more rationally.” UGH! I’m just so lead by my emotions. I blame the bipolar. Like my feelings are so fucking GIANT and when they start doing things it’s really hard to concentrate.

And I like reading my tarot cards, so I kept reading them for advice, and basically they just kept saying “Concentrate on your career!” And how I would be successful in my career if I stopped being all mopey about unrequited love situations and stuff. And they are probably right. It’s kind of depressing though, to have my cards be like CAREER and me being all “BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND!” Ugh. I mean I guess it’s good, people seem to like what I do, I like what I do, it’s interesting. I definitely know how to do it way better than the love thing. Sometimes people like me because of my career. I guess it’s a draw.

Ha ha anyway, long story short, my editor said I needed to put myself more in my script, and it’s true, like my character is not as multidimensional as she could be, the last draft she just had two goals really which was finding her mom and being in a relationship. AND that’s not enough for a life! And besides me, lots of Indigenous women/2 spirit folks are super career motivated. So honestly that should be reflected in my script. So many of us are in or went to university, there’s like a definite drive to be community involved and working in some capacity. So yeah. Write what you know!

I should get some lunch here. I’m starved! And I’ve blathered enough in this blog to feel like I warmed up.