Yeahhhhh so I haven’t written in a while. For those following Canadian murder trials, Tina Fontaine’s murderer was found not guilty. And that was like, another bad few days for me. Like it’s just a racist pattern that is entrenched in Canada’s legal system. I’m beginning to agree with people that street justice is a better idea. Also I’m a big marshmallow so like, even tho I take boxing classes, I’m not gonna fly to Winnipeg and punch that murderers head off. Like, no. No.

I mean, a lot of other stuff has been going on in my life, mostly career stuff. It’s interesting to me but probably pretty boring for me to talk about here, and also a lot of stuff is secret stuff anyway and might never happen. So yeah.

A little while ago my story editor mentioned I should watch Get Out again for structure and how scenes flow into each other, so I finally did that today. It was really nice to just watch a movie for work reasons, and I had seen it before so I was looking at it in a different way. I was able to pick up things this time that I hadn’t on the first viewing.

I’ve got a major rewrite happening pretty quick of my script, and I haven’t sat down and started mucking with it yet, but I am thinking it through most of the time. It’s about vengeance because of violence against Indigenous women, so like, these horrible trial verdicts are kind of fuelling my rage, and I’m hoping I can make something good and important out of it. Like I have known in earlier drafts my heroine is sort of reluctant, and that I need to get her more active and seeking things out and like, getting righteously angry. I think right now she is just trying to survive, but that’s not really the energy I want to channel.

Anyway yeah. Working on that. I’ve been hanging out at home being a full time stay at home dog parent. They seem to like having me around more.

I think I’m going to commit to my practice more. I’ve been dicking around trying to get women to like me and it’s been a pretty big failure ha ha. Okay, SOME women/people like me, but like, yeah, no, it’s been ridiculous. I wrote way too much in my diary about my crushes/interests this past year, like WAY too much, I am embarrassed to say how many pages are about that. And it’s just, I could justify it if this was actually the beginning of like, a serious relationship. Like okay, I could forgive myself for putting that much energy into stewing about feelings then. But this like, got all confusing, and there was more than one interest at certain times, and I didn’t know what to do with any of it, and every time I was reading my tarot cards about it I was getting The Hanged Man which is like surrender and being suspended between the past and the future and shit like that. And then most of the time it was unavailable people which is just, ugh. This horrible pattern I’ve had for a long time. And my friends were ragging on me about it most of this past year. So on one hand I do really want a relationship, and on the other hand I’m like, stuck. And it’s not working and I need to get unstuck so I’m just gonna do what I always do in that situation which is retreat back into my professional life and try to make better stuff. And not even to impress people, like I just always want to be better at writing and video stuff. I think I want to impress myself, and I haven’t yet. Like I’ve done some good stuff, but I feel like my best work hasn’t happened yet. And that’s not me shitting on my career, it’s more that I am just really ambitious about what I want to do with my life.

So I think I’m going to work really hard this year on these videos and this script. I want to impress myself.

Yeah. Anyway. I have boxing class this weekend, which will be good for me because we missed last weekend. I was showing a bunch of my videos at Pleasure Dome in CineCycle, so the next morning I didn’t feel like going to boxing, and then I had a meeting later that day. Anyway yeah, the boxing classes have been really good for me, even tho I am so sore the next day. I feel like it works off my aggression in a healthy way. And I like feeling stronger.

I’ve been such a crybaby this past year. I swear to God I cry once at day, AT LEAST. And it’s okay, like yeah, I guess I have to work through my issues. But fuck, it’s kind of intense and has just become routine now. Like, oh, I am writing in my diary, I guess it’s time to cry for a while. And maybe I am making up for lost time, because there were YEARS where I didn’t cry AT ALL. And I think it had to do with my medication. It feels pretty weird, to not be able to cry. I actually prefer this crybaby year to THAT. And I’m also grieving my grandparents, which is funny because when I cry it hasn’t been so much focused on them, as other things. But maybe that’s part of the reason for so many tears. The underlying issues. I’m just glad I switched to using hankies after Grandpa died, because my kleenex budget would be ridiculous by now. Or I’d like, be using dirty t shirts, which is also sad.

Anyway, the point is, I think this crybaby year is helping me find some kind of emotional balance. I think it’s been healing in it’s own way. And also connecting to my rage through boxing classes is helping me. I think the only thing that would make this perfect would be if I had someone to cuddle with. BUT YEAH see earlier paragraph about that. I’m pretty touch starved, but the dogs are really cuddly which is nice.

Ha ha I hope this blog post isn’t a downer. I am doing good, actually. Like things are working out for me otherwise. And even tho Canada is racist and unjust, I feel happy about being connected to the Indigenous communities here. I feel like we’ve been looking out for each other these days, and it’s nice.

It’s a week after the verdict. It’s been a rough week for a lot of us I think. A lot of my friends got pissed at the silence and indifference of white settler Canadian friends and unfriended a bunch of people. In some regards I think I probably overdid it, even tho I only unfriended 34 people. But in another regard I was really fucking pissed off and needed to do it for myself. I didn’t want to be an indifferent white Canadian settler’s Indigenous friend. Like you know, “I’m not racist, I have an Indigenous friend.” Anyway, I will probably friend a few of those people again. But I was done. DONE.

I had a really hard time sleeping the first few days after the verdict, the weekend really. I felt my mind just going a million miles an hour feeling like the worst kind of angry mania. SO ANGRY. I was rehearsing fights with people and thinking of a lot of the shitty things people were saying online. It got to the point I was scaring myself and worried I would need to check into the hospital. I was out of town Sunday until Tuesday and it kind of calmed down then. I was going to come home and start taking my Ativan again. But it turns out I didn’t need it, because I was finally able to get some decent sleep.

I felt really non-sexual most of the week too, which is super unusual for me. Like it just all shut down. It’s coming back though, and I am feeling a bit more human.

I’m also really sad these days. That also started getting hard, and I was again worried I might have to check into the hospital.

I can’t imagine a worse place to be right now than a psych ward though. A bunch of unstable white people with no filters? No thank you. There’s enough of that in the comments section without having Racist Tiffany spitting on me while I try to eat mushy grey green beans. Racist Tiffany can stay somewhere else. I’m just gonna stay in my lil apartment doing my things.

Yesterday I finally had time to do laundry and clean. It’s a million times better in here. I smudged the house down and had a cry. I’ve been crying off and on really. BUT the funny thing is I have also just been crying off and on anyway before all this. I feel like I’m purging something. I was gonna buy corner store flowers yesterday for myself, but they were sold out cause it was after Valentines Day. They just had these really sad plants. Nope. None of those.

I am getting groceries today. I’ve been eating poorly. A lot of snacks.

I got a passport renewal application yesterday. Mine runs out next month, and I just have a feeling I am going to want to go somewhere soon.

Yeah, I don’t have a real good analysis today. It’s been a frustrating week, and my mental health is right now the main thing I am trying to focus on. I think a lot of us are recognizing we need to look after ourselves. I felt burnt out yesterday. Just soooooo sick of it all. And seeing how many white Canadians support Colten’s murder, that is fucking sick. It’s been hard. On some level I knew this was what Canada was about, killing Indians, getting rid of us so they can have the land and no more problems. It’s been going on for hundreds of years. In another sense, seeing people so proudly state that is their intent is chilling. Like do you hear yourselves? How can you look in a mirror and feel any kind of goodness about your immortal soul?????!

Anyway yeah. Sometimes I feel okay. I can look at funny memes and laugh, make jokes. Other times it’s soooooooo dark. Things are very polarized in Canada right now. And when I think about it, they always were. At least now we know who these people are. I’d be curious to see the statistics on Facebook of how many Canadians unfriended people this past week. It’s been a lot.

It must be nice to be white and unaffected by Colten Boushie’s death and his murderers acquittal. And I am not talking to all my white friends and allies. I know a lot of you, especially in Saskatchewan or who are from Saskatchewan, have stepped up and made it very clear that you know the verdict was unjust. And that makes me feel safer with you. But the inverse is also true. I feel LESS safe with people who haven’t said anything or taken a side publicly. And that’s sad.

It makes me wonder what they are protecting. If they really just don’t think it matters, if they don’t know their Indigenous friends are crying and grieving and raging right now, or worse, if they don’t care. OR even more worse, if I am one of their few or only Indigenous friends. I wonder about their friends and family, if they are staying silent because they know it’s going to expose someone on their friends list as a virulent racist, if they don’t want to rock the boat, if they just want this to pass by unnoticed and unmentioned.

A young man was shot in the back of the head at point blank range while he was sleeping, and even tho the murderers testimony was full of inconsistencies and blatant lies (who reaches for keys through a window with their left arm? Try it! Make a video of it. I want to see) an all white jury in front of a white judge declared him not guilty. At minimum he needed to get manslaughter. AT MINIMUM. There are people who have car accidents causing death who get convicted of manslaughter. But a man holding a gun that he has fired three times DOES NOT. That’s fucked.

AT MINIMUM you need to say something. At minimum you need to make at least one post denouncing this. That’s the baseline for being considered any kind of ally. Because we are noticing. My friends list is full of Indigenous people talking about this and feeling all kinds of really awful feelings right now. Like fear. People have overheard white people joking in Saskatchewan about being able to kill Natives now. We all know, no matter what we do, how well we play the game, we are always in danger of a bullet in the back of the head. And this isn’t the first time this has happened in Canada. And it won’t be the last.

Silence is violence. We are watching who on our friends list are commenting and stepping up and sharing anger and sorrow and grief and rage, and who is not. And it’s very telling. And what it’s saying isn’t good.

A few things have happened recently.

Probably the most recent thing that happened was yesterday I lost my job. I was a month away from my probation period being up, and they didn’t think I was raising enough donations of the right type, something about my “stats” not being where they wanted them to be. They were very nice, my union rep didn’t feel it was fair. I had a mix of emotions. On one hand I felt like anyone getting fired feels kinda shitty about it. On the other hand, I got my major grant last week and so I was thinking seriously about whether I actually had time to do all the projects I am doing this year, AND this job. So I had wondered if I was gonna have to quit or take a leave of absence. So overall, I feel like the universe just wants me on a different path. I really like being a full time artist, I think it makes me happiest even when it’s super stressful and busy. I’m just suited to that kind of lifestyle and career. And things are picking up again this year, so I know I gotta go back to focusing on it.

And I also really like being domestic. After they sent me home I started a sourdough starter. And knitted. And puttered around. Today I am making a stew in my crockpot. Like I just like keeping my house clean and cooking now. I was joking with a friend about how I was my own housewife. Or just a mature effin’ adult. I think my ideal life would just be to be a full time artist and have time to keep my house the way I like it. And that is also a lifestyle that works really well with my disability. If I can make the money thing work out, it’s fine. And this year I am lucky and the money thing is gonna work out. I also got some other source of arty money which I can’t really talk about just yet. BUT rest assured things are going well for me.

Anyway, yes, so I got my major grant, $35,000 for a short dramatic period video set in the 1940’s on a reserve. It’s not based on anything real. But I worked hard on the script and I think it’s a good story and it’s challenging and super fucking dark. And doing a dramatic short is a good move if I want to direct this dramatic feature I have been writing. I need to demonstrate that I can do a good job, and a lot of my more recent work has been these weirdo comedic experimental narratives. So yeah, I need to show what I can do in a different genre. Hopefully people don’t laugh! Ha ha shit, sometimes people see my dramatic stuff and just start snickering and I’m like nooo iz serious no laugh~! Ha ha maybe the moody music will help.

So that’s exciting! I already have a probable location that a friend donated, so it seems really like it is coming together. I’m gonna have to do some research the next few months into clothing, music, laws, and household objects of that era. For instance, it’s set in the 1940’s, and there’s a scene of a dance at a band hall, and part of me wants it to be a powwow, but I actually don’t know if that was allowed at the time, and I might need to have some other kind of band, and then I have to figure out what was popular music on reserves at the time, etc etc. So yeah, it’s gonna be a while of researching, and looking up objects, and then seeing if I can make props and do the sets properly, etc. I had to revise the budget because I got $5000 shaved off of it. I ended up chopping my contingency fund, which might be a bad move. But I’m just gonna see if they accept the revised budget and release the funds, if not I’ll rewrite the budget again. MOSTLY I managed to keep all of my earmarked funds for the rest of my budget. Oh yeah and then I need to do casting. It’s a bunch of work even before I go and do the five day shoot.

I guess I’m lucky I know how to do so many things. I’m gonna hire a camera person tho. And a sound person. A bunch of people really. But most of the editing can be done by me, except I’m gonna need help with special effects. I have a friend who works for a VFX place tho so I’m gonna ask her for advice. So yeah, it looks like it’s gonna be a fun exciting year.

I’m glad I got these results last week, so I could get fired yesterday and not feel awful and anxious and hopeless!

Knitting is going well! I’m knitting this beautiful scarf for a future girlfriend made out of this hand dyed merino wool from these special sheep in Peru. It’s soft and warm and crazy long. Still not quite long enough. ALMOST! I am on the fourth ball of yarn, and each ball is $25 bucks. Not even counting labour it’s at least a $100 scarf ha ha. So it better be for a really good girlfriend! I am liking manifesting people in my life by knitting things for them though. I think when I’m ready for kids I’ll have to knit like, little sweaters or something. Mittens. On a string. To summon them into my life!

Yeah I’m doing okay. My friend I had the fight/incident/sadness with checked in on me yesterday. We had a nice brief text conversation. I still love and miss her, but I know we needed to take a break. We are supposed to talk at the end of this month. Hopefully that goes well, I’m trying to remember certain things in my life can’t be talked about with her. Which is hard, but yeah.

What else??? There’s other stuff I can’t talk about, not bad stuff or anything, just Yet To Be Revealed things. I’m really confused about a particular situation in my life involving a few people. Whenever I ask my tarot about it, the action it tells me to take is The Hanged Man which from my interpretation seems to be about waiting and surrendering. So yeah, I’m just trying to see if things sort themselves out. The trouble is I already know which way I would like things to go, and I am feeling they are not going to go that way, not for a while anyway. And there might be some twists and turns still, who knows.

The dogs are fine. I saw the dentist yesterday and she put this desensitizer on my tooth and says I have a slightly high bite that she can adjust. She’s different than the last dentist I saw who fucked my tooth up. The hygienist said that dentist doesn’t work there anymore. I almost cried with relief because he was so awful and did a filling of mine without freezing when I was trying to get my tooth fixed after he fucked up three times. Anyway, yeah. So I am gonna eat a corn chip today on that side and see if I need to go in for a bite adjustment. I think I probably will need to. But maybe not? Who knows. Either way I am hoping I can finally eat on both sides of my mouth again.

It’s Saturday night. I have started going to boxing classes. My second class is tomorrow at noon. I kind of strained my abs last Sunday, we have to do these intense ab work outs where you do sit ups with your ankles locked with someone and then practice jabs, hooks, uppercuts. OMG I realized I only use my abs to get out of bed. And the reason I know that is because my abs still are sore but I only feel the soreness when I am getting out of bed.

Anyway, it’s a nice workout after that. Like the jump rope stuff is a bit much for me, and the sit ups are fucking intense. But punching different things is pretty fun. I’ve never really done anything where I had to punch as hard as I could. It’s a really unused skill I have. Like, actually it’s not a skill of mine at all yet. BUT it will be! Last week Savoy showed me how to throw a punch, and it was really interesting and also feels pretty good. I’m doing recreational boxing, so there won’t be actual times when I am hitting someone in the head. Or getting hit. BUT I COULD! Savoy asked me if I had ever been in a bar fight. Nope. Not even the time I got beat up did I fight back. Like I was just such a pacifist. I think that has really changed over the years. I haven’t hit someone or anything, but I think in a dangerous situation I would probably go apeshit now. But yeah, I really just want to punch bags and things. And build some muscle mass.

I haven’t really been inspired to get involved in any fitness routines in a long time. Like I always worry about coming across as what one of my friends called “a fat hating fatty.” Like I am fat, it is what it is. I’ve talked about it here before. But I don’t want to talk about boxing while slamming being fat, cause that goes against my values. Like my body is just gonna be whatever it is in the end. But there are totally fit fat people out there. Like people might not believe that, but there are very athletic chubsters. Which is kind of cool because it throws people’s fat myths into the garbage.

Anyway yeah that’s tomorrow. Work has been going ok! I am doing alright I think, still in probationary period until the beginning of March and I have to learn how to do something different and new successfully to keep my job. But we’ll see. It would be nice to keep working. I’m waiting to hear about a large grant too. We’ll see.

I have a date next weekend! It’s like, oh man I shouldn’t make them feel weird by talking about it. But it’s like a low key just see how it goes hang out. I was kind of surprised to be approached. I’ve usually been in the position of chasing people, and to be honest that position is really demoralizing. Especially since nothing has really worked out in so long. I really shouldn’t talk about it much more tho cause I don’t want to make anyone I date or am interested in feel like I’m gonna put all their stuff on my blog. That would be shitty. It’s just been a really long time since anyone told me they liked me in that kind of way, like I actually can’t remember the last time. And who knows what the future will bring.

I haven’t knit all week but I think I’m gonna try and put an hour into it tonight so that I can be okay with my gibbled up hands tomorrow after boxing. I mean they are fine, but also they do get a little sore and stiff.

I’m hemorrhaging money right now. I have to pay up front for my eye exam on Wednesday and get reimbursed, I need to pay for my ASL class later that day, I’m digitizing videos too, and ALSO today Paypal told me my Adobe creative cloud fee comes out any moment. AND to make things worse, Little Mister is having bloody poops off and on. Like he did some last week, then was fine, then this morning had some again. So he needs to see the vet really really soon. He’s walking around like he is fine though! BUT he’s old and rickety. And he’s a sweetheart and I don’t want him to be sickly.

I guess life is pretty good. My friend I was so sad about two weeks ago is working to mend things with me, and offered a heartfelt apology, and we’re just gonna see how it goes but also maintain some more space between us. It’s hard. Interpersonal things are hard. And I do love her and when I think about the time we have known each other it’s kind of amazing we’ve only had one major incident like this.

But yah! Not gonna talk about that for a while, because I feel protective of our friendship right now especially because it’s hard.

There’s some film career stuff going on too, but right now it’s in the background waiting for funding to come through. So really I am doing not really anything in that regard at the moment, which is nice. But I hopefully am gonna be writing again soon.

I’ve been reading my tarot cards a lot lately. A new deck is coming to me in a month, the Numinous Tarot which is sort of a non-binary inclusive deck. I’m excited to see it! I backed it in a kickstarter a long time ago. Ha ha and of course the money came out at a terrible time recently, dammit, all this money! GONE!

Well, last week around this time I was in major distress. But I’m happy to say my feelings have changed and I feel pretty good. Not about that friendship, which definitely needs a time out still. BUT I feel better about life and things I am doing and stuff. I got paid today so I went and got some dog food, paid the internet bill, paid my Mom back cause I needed food money this last week, gonna get groceries but there’s some ice pellets coming down and I’m terrified of walking in slippy conditions. So yeah, it’s ok.

I found the diary entry I did from January 2nd, 1993, when I came out to my diary. The funny thing is I hadn’t clued in I was a lesbian until like 12:01 January 1st 1993, I mean it was coming and I was realizing and things were clicking into place slowly. But then I fell in love for the first time with a girl and also realized I never had those feelings for boys. I would have been 14. It was before the internet. I mean the internet was around but not at our house and definitely not in the way it is now. I hadn’t read that entry in a long time, I wasn’t sure what it would be like, like if I would be all upset or scared or whatever. But it was kind of a funny entry, like it was like revealing a secret to my diary so it was very momentous, and then a short paragraph about why I thought I was a lesbian and not bisexual (cause these boys who I don’t even remember now I just wanted to be friends with etc.) and then I launched into this very mushy romantic thing about feeling totally in love and I didn’t know if she was a lesbian so it was like oh no and I hoped she would notice me and wanting her to be my fiancée etc etc. Ha ha anyway, we never did get together for a whole bunch of reasons (like she was way older and going out with someone and hadn’t come out as bisexual yet etc etc) but yeah she did turn out to be bisexual so in some ways I wasn’t so far off the mark. And I did stay in love with her for like, two years, all really intense and sometimes really sad and sometimes really beautiful and we had a tender friendship and I never did tell her my feelings. But it was kind of sweet, to realize the thing that really tipped me over the edge with my coming out was falling madly in love for the first time.

It also kind of set the tone for the rest of my life, like I just fall in love a lot. And not to cheapen it or anything, I think I just feel things really strongly and when I really love someone it’s like, INTENSE and omg. And it’s only been that nothing has worked out yet that I have fallen so many times. And I do fall OUT of love too, like when it’s not happening and I kind of get fed up with waiting for someone to realize I am amazing or whatever lol. I don’t know tho, there was something really sweet to realize that when I came out to my diary it wasn’t all anguished, it was more so I could gush about how gorgeous and smart this girl was and how much I loved her. Like it made me feel less cynical about love, oddly enough. Even tho I’ve been disappointed so many times. I remember how new that feeling felt, and how overwhelming, and how I was amazed that I was someone who fell in love with girls (and women when I grew up obviously).

The other interesting thing is that I think being queer substantially improved my life. Like that probably sounds weird, but I was queer in a small Saskatchewan city, in the early 90’s, and gay stuff was everywhere at the time and visibility was really increasing. And it was a major reason I ended up making videos, like both being amazed by 90’s queer video art, and also getting access to video equipment to make my first few videos. And also I met a lot of older queer youth, like a lot of gay boys in university, and they would sneak me into the raver bar with them and we would drive around listening to Skinny Puppy and NIN and stuff. And I dunno, it sort of opened my world up, and before I came out I had felt very dark and depressed. I guess falling in love will do that.

Also I remember finding my community was tricky. At that time so much of queer culture was built around bars and needing to be drinking age. And I remember how I did find other homos was I went looking at AIDS Saskatoon for some pamphletes on having safe sex for lesbians, because OBVIOUSLY (and still to this day) we didn’t learn THAT in school. And so I went looking and found something for the Queer youth group that met once a week. It was called QYSS I think. I remember I went and met a couple of people and the guy kept calling the lesbian Mary and I thought that was her name ha ha ha! Anyway, yeah, it was a good group, I mean it was queer youth so it had a fair amount of drama which we are not allowed to talk about. But it was definitely a formative experience and I really think someday I should do a video or write about it. Now of course there’s like, the Internet. But Out Saskatoon still runs that group, with new names and I think the format has changed. And the age range is way lower.

Ha ha omg I remember Gay and Lesbian Health Services (the org that ran the youth group) also sold some queer stuff like funny shirts and mugs and cock and ball bondage things and shit like that. And I remember one time I was looking in their store and this guy picked up this small leather thing and said “What is this for?” and then suddenly started laughing and laughing. Ahh good times.

Anyway, yeah, love isn’t so bad. I mean it has lead me to some interesting places. And it was the catalyst for me finally coming out to myself. I think sometimes I hold myself back around it now tho, like I’ve just been burned so many times that I don’t let myself fall in love as easy as I used to. And it’s not that I don’t fall in love, so much as I keep trying to remain in denial about it because I feel bad or sheepish about it. Like I usually tell people I have a crush or feelings for them or whatever, because I really don’t want to say “HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU!” when we haven’t kissed yet or established a relationship for long enough or whatever.

So it’s kind of cute to reflect on that 14 year old lesbian who was falling in love for the first time and deciding I wanted to MARRY this woman right off the bat and just how unrestrained my feelings were at that point in my life. In some ways it sounds kind of foolish now, and in other ways I kind of envy how sure I felt.

The last five days have been some of the most painful days I have been through in recent times. I had made a comment in an email to my best friend about thinking of having a fling with a certain woman I know who seems to be indicating some interest. And it kind of started a huge fight in my inbox for a few days, during which some really cruel things were said to me, and some very negative assumptions which have been made about me by this friend were underscored and highlighted and repeated over and over. And I had tried to get her to stop, and said she was hurting me, and she would like, say one apology in one sentence and then launch into the whole thing again. She kept threatening our friendship and it was pretty painful and she was super upsetting me to the point that I’ve basically cried on and off the last few days. I eventually had to ask that we take a break for a couple of months because she really was so relentless and so unwilling to mend things or admit she was really out of line or take accountability for the utter shitshow that became this email thread. And earlier, in the email I had sent her originally, I mentioned how long it has been since I kissed someone (spoiler: a fucking long time) and she took that fact and kind of used it against me in a really mean way kind of mocking me for it. And there were a lot of things wrong with what happened between us, but probably THAT was the major thing that felt like such a betrayal there is no going back. I have a lot of feelings over the dry spell I have been in, and it’s really difficult and there’s a lot of reasons why it’s been this way, but it’s obviously a very tender subject with me and the fact that my best friend would pick THAT fact to use to hurt me really crossed like, all the lines.

She asked if I would be willing to read any apologies after I asked for a break for two months, and I said I would because I was unsure of our friendship continuing. But that was three days ago or so now and nothing has come. And I have felt a mix of emotions, and if she reads this I am sure she would be insanely angry for me talking about it. But it’s been really difficult on me and I am trying to just feel my feelings and accept that I need to go through this grieving process for our friendship. Because really I don’t know how these things could be made right again, and the fact she hasn’t reached out with any apologies since is painful. And as I read over old diary entries I see how this long campaign has been waged in our friendship that has been dragging me down into paranoia and sadness and suspicion and just this really shitty headspace that I don’t even really feel is coming from the core of me. Like it’s kind of been projected on me, and I feel like I got deluded into going along with it, and it’s at the point where I don’t even know how I feel about certain people anymore. And it’s not like they are bad people, it’s just my view has been so skewed by this long campaign of trying to convince me I am a victim.

OH god it’s insane. Like when people say something is batshit crazy, this is the kind of thing they mean. It feels like there was so much gaslighting and some kind of ulterior motive and I’m really confused but also really ready to walk away. But I invested years and years of my life into this friendship, and often-almost always, felt love for her, and sometimes it felt like a more-than-friends kind of love, which I always knew wouldn’t go anywhere and we were just friends. But it’s hard for me to feel that emotion towards her when she was so emotionally abusive towards me. And maybe it’s good I am not feeling it as much. Like it’s not right, to love someone who hurts you.

So my heart is kind of broken. I want to behave honourably though, like I don’t want to hurt her back, even though I am so angry and upset. And so I haven’t lashed out the same way she did, which is good. But also, oh man. I just feel like this might be the end of our friendship. And as friendships go it was a long deep connection, like a decade and a half long friendship. And what makes me so sad is that in all that time, 99% of it was great and wonderful and I was so happy to have her in my life. But this whole email thread, and the months of build up to this point, they were some really really shitty times. And I felt like I was being isolated, and there was this intense hatred of people I was romantically interested in, and it felt like a lot of shit was being forced onto me so I would start thinking about life the same way she did.

And normally I am actually, even with the bipolar, a positive forward thinking person. Like I worked really hard on myself to get to this headspace, and to have good things in my life and know my worth and have confidence in my decision making abilities. And I am doing things in my life that feel positive, like things in my community, and with my art practice, and with my work life, and trying to nurture my still kind of new friendships and social groups here in Toronto. And it felt like, that was kind of changing, and like not so much those things but maybe my view of life and the world and all kinds of things, to see things as being quite a bit darker than they really are. And I felt like the narrative I was supposed to buy into was that I was broken and fucked up and needing to do all this work on myself before I could even have a romantic relationship. But I feel like this fight made me see that differently, and that it’s not true. Cause I did a shitload of work on myself when I got sober, like so much work, and I’ve been in therapy a long time, and I feel like I have a good base for myself. And people can’t force someone to “heal” especially not if that person doesn’t need it. Like I think I am fine the way I am.

It’s kind of a revelation, to realize I am okay as I am. I have healthy friendships with people (mostly!), I feel good about myself usually, I am open to falling in love, I do things that make me happy. I feel like my life is pretty good. Which is why it’s been weird to see this months long attempt to convert me into someone who feels constantly victimized and unhappy with almost EVERYONE in my life. And I really do know that not everyone is trustworthy, but I still want to be able to extend myself to new people and take a risk by letting them in either as a friend or something more.

I think the other thing that makes me sad is how she knew she was upsetting and hurting me and barely apologized and then KEPT GOING. It’s like being in a scene and calling your safeword and the person just keeps hurting you even when you’re way past the threshold and it’s not okay anymore. Even tho I could see this downward spiral we were in, it was still sort of surprising and shocking and sad when this whole thing happened. Like, I guess it was the logical conclusion. I mean not really, but when I look at the recent history of our friendship I can see why it happened, she got really dark, and started being less and less respectful of me and my choices. And she kept crossing boundaries and I didn’t call her out on it, like it was really getting pushed. And she started really hating me saying anything about crushes or the like, or things about my family. And I guess I like having friends I can talk about cuties with, and it just got really fucking dark and hateful and I didn’t know what to do about it. And it’s not even that I want to end the friendship, I just want to end THIS, this paranoia and anger and random hatred of people and fostering resentments and treating me like an idiotic child. Like I want the behaviour to end, but I don’t know how to do that, and I don’t know how to rebuild this when she hasn’t tried to make amends, and I can’t change someone’s behaviour or how they treat me. Like it is out of my hands, and that is sad.

And I know I could forgive her if she really wrote heartfelt apologies and promised to change the way she was treating me. But I feel so dismal about that even happening. Her convictions about the situation are so strong, and her ability to use so much of what she knew about me against me was so shocking and chilling. It really is a betrayal, and sad.

And I am trying to find myself again while we take this two month long break. I want to get to know myself again and really assess who I am and my relationships with people. Because I do think overall things are positive. But I want to know what I feel about life when this pall isn’t hanging over me anymore. And when my view of sweet gentle moments with people aren’t poisoned by someone or rewritten. And I want to be a hell of a lot less cynical than I have grown to be over the last few months.

Hey! I spent Christmas without my family this year, for the first time. Last year Mom came for a couple weeks, but this year I was alone, sort of, not totally, but it was good! I made a lot of food, baked a lot of cookies, made a cherry cake, made a wifesaver, made candied yams, made a cherry pie. Ate a lot of cheese, I kind of had to hold back on the cheese tho cause it was making me super gassy. UGH! BUT it was a great Christmas, Mom sent me a nice present, with my favourite soaps and a nice shirt and some expensive chocolates that are also my favourites, and some rat root in case I get a sore throat. I sent her a fifty dollar bed bath and beyond card, but the bed bath and beyond store in Saskatoon is still not open, almost, but not quite. I hope she can use it online if she wants to spend it soon.

I spent later on Christmas day with some friends eating an amazing fucking turkey dinner, with moist turkey and amazing stuffing and everything was so delicious. And then we watched Batman Returns, the one with Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. I had such a big crush on her in that movie, it was probably the costume. I had a big poster of her over my bed before I came out, I remember overhearing my Mom say “Yeah Thirza has a crush on Catwoman.” And I was like “OMG do I???” Ha ha but yeah, those early celeb crushes were fun.

It was an interesting Christmas because I wasn’t catering to my family or doing a LOT of emotional labour/domestic labour that I am used to with my family. My Grandparents aren’t around anymore, if they were I would probably have gone home somehow. But I often felt unappreciated at Christmas, even tho I was doing a shitload of work like baking, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving, like all the things. ALL THE THINGS! And you know, guy cousins would be over not doing much but playing video games. And that was always really frustrating to me, especially as a feminist. And even tho my gender is fluid, and I do feel pretty male at times, I can’t imagine ever feeling entitled to sit around while women cater to my needs. Yeahhhhh. And there are other more personal reasons why I didn’t really want to go home this year, which I am not gonna talk about here.

And the funny thing is I still did do a whole bunch of cooking, but I think because I was doing it for me and my friends and not because it was expected, it felt better. I felt better. It was just being done because I wanted to contribute, and not because I was expected.

ANYWAY! I also have to get a major job application together this next month, and it’s not just like, update my resume kind of thing, it’s for a tenure track job. I have had bad luck applying for sessional work at this place, but I’m gonna try anyway, because it would be sweet to do something I am totally qualified for and knowledgeable about. Not to mention it pays really fucking well. And it would kind of secure my future here. We just found out the co-op is likely going to remain eligible for rental supplements until 2025, which is a huge relief, but also I wouldn’t mind paying market rent if I could afford it. And I also wouldn’t mind being able to pay off my student loan, if I could afford it. I’m also on a low income support program for Hydro, and although that has been amazing, being off it would be fine, if I could afford it. I’ve just gotten really savvy about being poor and how to do it in this city, but like, not having to worry about that would be great.

I still have my job! Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have bad days. But on my good days I can raise hundreds of dollars for people, so it feels good and I am happy about that. I’d like some more good days than bad days, it’s kind of random when they happen, and I don’t know what the variables are. One day I didn’t take my ADHD medication, and I was sleepy and feeling super shitty (also because I take my antideps at the same time and missed them also) and I think it translated into my voice and how I was coming across on the phones. I wasn’t as enthusiastic and friendly as I normally am. Anyway, that day was definitely a poor performance day, BUT I figured out how to avoid that again by putting my medication dosette on top of my bag I take everywhere with me, so in the morning I would have to touch it before leaving. Things like that are really helpful.

Having a small income is nice. It’s not super small, it covers my needs anyway, and then I get random fees and stuff on top of that that help me out. But yeah, it’s at least twice as much as welfare was, and it’s really helping me out. My next payday is this Friday, and I am gonna be able to pay rent and my phone bill and probably some other bills with it. And I should get another cheque soon for an arty thing I am doing.

So overall this Christmas was good. Life is pretty good. I’m making money again at a job for the first time in ages and that feels good, even on the bad days. I get to work on an application to teach, which is pretty awesome, even if I don’t get it it will be nice to have had the practice of writing these applications for academic jobs. My friend says that universities are going to be looking for more people with production experience, so that’s hopeful, since I am more of someone with production experience than academic writing experience. It would be nice to combine the two in a class tho, like teach production while looking at Indigenous and queer films. (And Indigenous queer films)

It would be nice to start spending Christmases with my own family in the future, but those people either haven’t met me yet (as in my partner) or possibly don’t exist yet (as in children). So for now, spending Christmas with friends is pretty good. It’s really changed how I view Christmas. I’ve had so many stressed out Christmases, and this was totally not stressful. It was still busy tho. But yeah, I liked it. I hope even when I do have my own family, it continues not being so stressed.

There’s one day left of my four day weekend! It’s been awesome.

Work went well last week, I know I can handle three full days. But more than that would definitely stress me out too much. Having four days off three days on is a good balance for me. Especially since I have some other work to do.

I was gonna apply for a Canada Council grant, but I can tell that is not happening this round. I just don’t have it in me, I’m really unsure of what to apply for, I don’t want to send in a half baked idea and then be committed to something major with lukewarm feelings about it.

I did WAY less crying this weekend, so that was nice. I’m also sort of avoiding thinking about what was making me cry tho, and I know the avoiding is not a great strategy and I gotta deal with it.

I am also realizing I do not trust very many people in my life. Like, maybe two? No, three. Out of my entire social sphere, that is not very many. I don’t completely distrust everyone else, I just notice there have been very specific patterns with friends and lovers in my life that involve intense intimacy (even platonic intimacy) for a limited period followed by completely being abandoned. And it’s happened enough times that I think there is something to be said for figuring out why I attract those kinds of people into my life. Like, I do have LONG TERM best friends, like my friend Laurel and I have been best friends for 37 years and still tell each other mostly everything. And my friend Robin and I have known each other for 15 years and it’s good and I don’t see us stopping. So there are people I can form long term friendships with and feel safe with and be really close to, even if we temporarily drift or aren’t in as much contact. Like I know they are only a phone call/text/email away and will be there for me. And my friend Riki is someone I have been close to for a shorter period, but I can tell she and I have that kind of long term friendship potential. Like it’s there, it’s just that we haven’t been as close as we are now for as many years as the other two. OH and my friend Lynn and I are still really close. Okay maybe a couple other people, but they are far away.

But yeah, there have been a number of people I’ve been super close to and then it just like, gets kind of cold and chilly and weird and they are off to the next thing and have new friends and not really any more time for me or my needs. Like it’s weird, that that is a recognizable pattern in my friendships. I kind of know why this is happening, I think learning how to deal with this ongoing pattern is something I need to figure out though. Like, I definitely need to let go way sooner. I think I hold on and try to make things work when really I should just accept that I’ve been discarded and move on.

And there are good things about knowing I have a small number of friends I know for sure I can rely on. Like at least I have that, and I know they aren’t gonna mess with me or abandon me. And I think what I like about them is that they can argue with me and we know it doesn’t mean the end of our friendship. And vice versa. And that’s comforting, in a weird way. I don’t mean like I always fight with my friends tho, I just mean if someone is doing something that might hurt themselves, the other can be like “Don’t do that thing again! Or do it but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Which is kind of useful in a friendship.

But anyway, it’s really not so bad if someone doesn’t want to be my friend. I would rather know sooner than later. I think what makes me laugh tho is that according to my facebook I have 800+ friends. But according to me, I would say maybe 5-6 people I actually call when I am sad. Which is still a good number. It could be worse. Maybe there are levels of friendship, and I just need to learn when someone is going to be a Level 10 friendship or maybe they are more of a Level 3 or 1 like further away from me and not as involved and knowing very little about me and my interests and what makes me happy and sad and upset. Like I would say most of my facebook friends are a Level 1. And then family is just in a whole other category.

But yeah, maybe my sadness comes from trying to fit a Level 1 or 2 into a Level 10 slot. Like they just don’t have that kind of commitment and interest. Which is fine, whatever. But like, I’m tired of fighting to get attention from these people when I could call up one of my best friends I’ve known for years and talk about my dogs and cuties and find out what is happening in their neighbourhood.

It’s 11 to midnight at this writing. I have work tomorrow at 12:30. I’m looking forward to it. Last week was training. This week is the beginning of the rest of my life there ha ha. But yeah, last week seemed to go well, I was on time every day, things seemed to work out. I signed up for 25.5 hours of work this week. Last week I had only two full days and four hours on the Thursday tho, and I REALLY liked it that way. But I want to do three full days this week to see how I do. I am gauging my ability to stick with these hours, because I COULD do less hours in one of my shifts, but I’d also like to make as much money as I can without overdoing it and burning out. Call centre work can be tough.

Anyway, things are good in that regard so far. We’ll see how this week goes. And Friday is my day off again. I’m gonna put my hours in for next week on Wednesday when I’ve had more of a chance to see what my schedule looks like next week and when I want to go do things. Like I think there’s a round dance for Idle No More on Thursday next week I want to go to. Or Tuesday. Or something. See! I gotta check my schedule. And plan accordingly.

I’m real sleepy. Night meds are kicking in.

I’m getting money this week! Payday is Friday. Today I got a cheque from a talk I did at Concordia. Friday I’ll also get some money for doing admin on a grant we got. So I got Mom’s Christmas present and it’s on it’s way to her. And another cute thing for her. And I ate tacos today. I got so much meat at Loblaws when my cheque from welfare came in last Monday. Like easily 60-70 dollars worth of meat. Anyway, yeah for meat! It’s the best! Ha ha except not really, I know, but eating it makes my body feel healthy because I have one of those bodies that needs meat.

I actually did a lot of crying this last weekend. Like, so much crying. I was kind of working through some things and making major realizations and I’m not gonna talk about it here because it involves other people and things that have happened to me, BUT I think I’m closer to being able to end some bad habits and patterns by recognizing this stuff. So for that reason I actually feel pretty hopeful about it.

AND I managed to finish my second draft of my script. It was overdue, I feel kinda shitty about that. BUT I think a few fundamental changes have made it stronger, and I can kind of see places that I can still improve if I do more research and think more on it. So that’s awesome. I sent in my copy to my people, and to a friend because it’s been weird telling her all about doing all this creative work and having her know nothing about the content of what I’m doing except it’s a supernatural horror film about a woman who sets fires. ALSO I ended up writing a few funny lines. Not enough to shift it to a comedy by any means, but maybe enough to make it seem more of a human story. Like just more well rounded.

Anyway, Christmas is coming. I got a tiny tree. Such a tiny tree. I like it, I got a couple more ornaments for it today. The dogs are super cute. Little Mister does this thing where he comes to check on me and stares while wagging his lil tail, to see if I want a cuddle, and of course when I see him doing that we always end up cuddling. It’s nice to see him get me out of myself. And it’s good caring for them, making sure their needs are met. Little Mister was coughing a lot last night. But then tonight, nothing. I don’t know, maybe he just had something in his throat. Dogs are weird.