So I’ve had this longstanding thing where I don’t really know if I am cis or trans. In some ways I feel that I come across as cis, because I’m DFAB and have no dysphoria and like my body as it is so I’m not doing a physical transition and I use she/her pronouns. But in other ways I feel trans because I’m Butch (although Butches can definitely be cis) and also non-binary and have a lot of boy feelings sometimes. It’s been really confusing. I talked in my video Boi Oh Boi about when I was going to transition to male and how I changed my mind because I still feel like I have a lot of girl in me too. Like there are aspects of femininity I like, like wearing pinks and nail polish and stuff, but also just woman feels and things, and there’s a comfort in having a foot in women’s identity stuff. So staying with the body type and characteristics I have now is totally fine for me. I like my breasts, I don’t really want to bind. I know I give off masculine vibes and lovers are hesitant to touch my chest in case it sets of some kind of dysphoria for me, but that’s really not an issue for me. Sometimes I like packing but not often. It’s just a whatever Butch gender that is pretty fluid and shifts from time to time. Like sometimes I go through really more masculine phases than other times.

But I’m pretty sure non-binary genders fall under the trans umbrella, which means so do I. I’m sure there are truscum who would disagree because I don’t have dysphoria or any intention to transition medically. It seems weird to call myself trans, because sometimes I feel like there are people who have more of a right to that title. And I know some trans people really don’t like non-binary folks because of whatever reasons they have for not liking people who don’t fit in the binary. AND I still use she/her pronouns which seems to go against the fact that part of the time I feel like a man. But I don’t know, it’s weird, to feel like both genders are present and operating together in me. And I’ve been going back and forth between cis and trans because to most people I seem like a masculine woman. BUT I also really think the internal gender stuff I’ve got going on does not fit with the cis label. Which only leaves me with trans.

It’s funny too because the other identity labels I really relate to are two-spirit, Butch, and Lesbian. And sometimes I wonder if those all fit together. I know Lesbian is a sexuality and not a gender, and since I do feel non-binary (and with some definitely female gender stuff) and only attracted to women, it seems to still fit for me. Two spirit fits because of being First Nations AND queer and my non-binary gender. And I think Butch just fits as like, a gender all it’s own. I was trying to change my gender on Facebook to Butch when they brought out the varied gender options a few years ago, but the closest I could get was two-spirit, which was disappointing.

Once I was dating someone and we were walking down the street and she suddenly turned to me and demanded to know if I was a boy. Like it was kind of funny actually, she sounded really suspicious. And I said no I didn’t think so. But you know, for a long time I’ve felt like it just floats through my body now and then. But it’s still not present enough for me to go get hormones or even change my pronouns. People always check in with me to see what pronouns I am currently using and they’re still she/her, but I appreciate that my gender gets noticed.

So anyway, this blog post was just about me finally conceding the fact that I am not cis. I had a friend who I used to talk about this with, and he always kind of suggested that I seemed to land on the trans spectrum. And I was never sure. But transgender isn’t the exact same as transsexual (although they overlap), it’s more of an umbrella term. So yeah. That’s where I stand at the moment.

Like last time, TERF comments are gonna be deleted.

It’s not gonna be Canada Day anymore by the time I hit publish on this post. So I may as well talk about other things. Canada and Colonialism kind of absorbed me this last while anyway, like all my fb feed was anti-Canada Day and anti-Canada 150 and it’s important and all but also wears me out. But thank you, friends, for being so upfront about how problematic this day was. And is. And thanks to the allies who raised up issues also. The resistance salutes you.

I’ve spent almost a whole week doing work AND being with my Mom. But soon she is leaving, like in less than 48 hours. So I’ll be alone with the dogs again, and more productive. I’m looking forward to it. I need my space back, and as much as I love her I hate sharing a bed with her because she snores and makes weird huffly noises. And takes up space in the bed. And yeah, it’s just weird. I might actually sleep on the couch tonight. I slept on the couch last night after I had to admit I could not fall asleep next to her. It was uncomfortable, I wasn’t laying on the full length of the couch and my head got turned to an awkward angle. So, at least I slept, which is better than what was going to happen if I stayed in bed with her. I’ve only got two more nights of this and I’m back to having the space all to myself! No one telling me to make them coffee!

The fireworks tonight freaked out my pups. When we came back from a movie, fireworks had already been happening in the neighbourhood and the dogs were nowhere to be seen. Eventually they came running out from under the bed. Little Mister came and got snuggles, but Posey hid under the couch until the fireworks were over. I’m glad I didn’t take them outside this evening. And on these pet groups I belong to, all these run away dogs are getting posted. Poor things.

I’m in a strange mood these days. Like hopeful and dubious at the same time, if that makes sense. I can’t really talk about the whys on my blog though because it involves privacy issues, ha ha mostly about me and my feelings. I sometimes wonder if someone likes me, and it makes me feel hopeful, and then I get really really dubious and am all like maybe not, maybe it’s just gals being pals. Awkward! Like I know I should take subtle hints better, but sometimes I’m just like “nooooo that’s too much to hope for!” And my dating history is so weird, with a lot of really lukewarm attention from lovers who were really just, I don’t know, wasting some time until they found someone better. I mean I am doing therapy about it.

Ahh shit I still have therapy homework to do. Which I haven’t been able to get down to because of all this visiting and having a guest and stuff. Like I’m trying to see the big picture and just be a really together honest loving girlfriend for someone some day, and so I have been trying to consistently work on myself at least so at least one thing is good. I can’t control all the variables but I can control me. And when I think about where I was even just six years ago versus where I am now, there’s been major improvements and upgrades. Like that addictions thing has been under control for five years, and because of it I’m way more in touch with my emotions and I try to be more considerate and my career is better, blah blah blah. I would have been a shitty girlfriend back then and I know it because I’ve seen how much my life has changed. And not that I’m an awful person, or was an awful person, more that dealing with my addictions helped me get my life and mental health back to a really healthy baseline. God I don’t even smoke anymore. That was the hardest to give up! And I even have tobacco in my house for offerings and ceremonial reasons and I never feel like I’m gonna go light it up and smoke it away.

So anyway, it’s just weird trying to be cute and also being me and doing what I do for a living and having this tell all ongoing autobiographical art blog that they could easily reference, including my upset posts interspersed with like “today I wrote a page of script and toasted a bagel.” And I also got a tinder match and I’m like yeah I should probably answer that message it is probably good karma for my dating life to not just leave things hanging even when they aren’t going anywhere. Or maybe they will I don’t know I’m not a psychic!

I did see a psychic a few times, and every time it got to my dating life they kind of said some things that made sense, but ultimately didn’t always get it right or saw women showing up sooner than they did or weird things like just, not quite being solid predictions. And I kind of think now it’s really up to me and maybe no one can predict what is going to happen for me romantically. I guess that’s okay. There was one really interesting comment they made about “moths” tho and how there were these people drawn to me but not really like, into doing a serious thing or taking me seriously as a partner or being able to give me what I want. It actually made a lot of sense for what was going on at that period in my life. That was a weird period. OH and one consistent thing they have been saying is I AM going to eventually find someone I will be in a really good, happy, stable relationship with for the rest of my life. Which is hopeful for sure. The timeline has been off about that though, sometimes they’ve said it’s sooner than other times they have seen it happening.

Oh god I’m tired. Am I really going to hit publish on this? I hope my contemporary crush doesn’t read it and figure out it’s her and feel weird. I try not to talk about crusholas and dating in anything but the most vague ways here. Because I really don’t want someone to read this and think if they date me I’m gonna be like writing intimate details of their life on here too. Ha ha fuck I am gonna hit publish on this. They should change the “publish” button to one that says “Lez cause some trouble!”

Last night in Vancouver! I’m so tired but I had a really good time. I saw a whole bunch of friends and my ex sweetie Amber Dawn and it was nice remembering this community and feeling like I hadn’t been forgotten or anything. I did live here for nine years, most of my 20’s, it was a major fundamental place while I grew into an adultier adult. Things have changed, a few things are the same. My friends are getting more grey hair, but have the same sweet funny crazy personalities they always did. Amber Dawn is married and I finally FINALLY met her wife which was nice because I’ve only seen pictures of them online. My friend Lynn took me for a drive with her pack of shih tzus and that was fun, also she made me this spectacular boobie/barbie cake and let me draw my tattoos on her. I had a good screening, I wasn’t sure how it would be received but I got a lot of people coming up to say they liked it, and good feedback, and it’s always interesting being able to see how the audience reacts. So that was good.

I had some good one on one times with friends too, and it was a pretty good longish weekend. The only thing was I was so social that I kept feeling social overload. I’m fairly introverted, so I like having a few hours alone everyday and that just didn’t fit in with the schedule for seeing everyone. So I tried my best to avoid being crabby, which is what happens when I get overwhelmed with social stuff. But I think I did pretty good. Tomorrow I’m flying back, so I won’t have to visit anyone on the plane. And then I get one night to myself and Mom comes to stay for a week. I’m gonna take a couple breaks apart from her tho so we don’t overwhelm each other with mother/daughter stuff. I have friends to see in Toronto too when I get back so it’s not gonna be ALL Mommy ALL the time. And she has beading to do and I have to animate something AND write.

I did pick up my air conditioner before I left town, so it’s sitting in a box in my unit. Mom promised to help me install it, so it’s just waiting there. My friend Candie says I should tell women I have air conditioning to entice them to come over. Ha ha! It is a draw tho for reals.

I miss my dogs, but I was too busy to worry about them much, and this is the second time they have stayed with my cousin and her family, so I feel better about it and like they aren’t being hellions. Posey is the one I worry about the most, she’s such a weirdo, but I guess she is fine without me. She feels defensive of me and it sets up weird things. Amber Dawn and I were talking about this actually because she had a weirdo dog once, and I haven’t had a sleep over guest while I’ve had Posey, and I’m probably going to have to put her in a crate. Even when Riki stayed with me after my surgery I had to crate Posey because she was trying to defend me. Someday I hope to get a girlfriend who’s willing to put in the time to make friends with Posey and have a decent doggy friendship with her. Because honestly she’s the most adorable sucky baby dog once she trusts you. And she does trust new people, in the right circumstances.

I’ve got two things with two deadlines coming up, then one of them will roll over into a new bigger deadline and then I’m not sure what’s on my schedule after that. But I’m glad so many of my commitments are finished now. It’s stressful.

I was gonna try to go to Montreal in July, but I think it’s not gonna happen. My friend WAS gonna let me stay with her, but she got too many AirBnB bookings and has no room. Another friend was gonna check if she has space in her guest room but never got back to me. August I am doing something. What the hell am I doing? Maybe nothing. September I go to the UK with my Mom and Auntie for two weeks, and in October I need to go to Northern Ontario to help lead a workshop for a week or something. SO BUSY!

SO I guess I’ll be in Toronto for July and August. I’m glad I have an air conditioner. It’s brutal otherwise. So brutal!

There’s actually a heatwave in Vancouver right now, but it’s not so bad for me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am used to horrible Toronto heat.

Anyway, I should probably crash and stop writing this rambly blog post. I was happy to see all my old friends. I’ve missed them. Tomorrow morning I’m heading off to the airport and back home.

I was busy with TQFF the last few days, which was fun. I saw most of the films before, but it was nice being around and sometimes helping and sometimes feeling deeply socially awkward because that’s the kind of person I am! 😀 Ha ha you have to own that kind of stuff I guess.

I’m going to be working on my Canada Council Research/Creation grant application to try and finish this video game I was working on. I was going to get back to working on it anyway, BUT if I could get living allowance while I do it and some bucks to throw at some helpers that would be nice. Also having Photoshop would help for making assets. I toy with the idea of getting a Cintiq but I am totally not that involved in illustrating normally, and also the beginning of my video game is already made with scanned in drawings that are processed so it would kind of ruin it in terms of continuity.

My head hurts. It’s warm again today. I curse it! Ha ha jk.

I have an extension on my writing, so I’m going to work more on it and give it space to breathe a bit and then polish it up for my editor in July when he is free again. I need to be a bit more ruthless, it’s on the borders of being a thriller or a horror but it’s not horrific enough for horror although it definitely could go that route. I don’t watch a lot of horror is the thing, I am sometimes surprised I’m even writing about this topic, although I feel like I know the story intimately now after working with it for so long.

The pups are fine. I am fine. I am doing WAY better than last weekend and feel more like myself and safer. I’m glad that was over so quick.

I’m going to Vancouver this week! Just for a few days. I get to see old friends and old girlfriends (ha ha ok only one old girlfriend) and do arty job things like show my newest experimental video Thirza Cuthand is an Indian Within the Meaning of the Indian Act. And I guess do some press. My friend Lynn has promised to make me a cake! 😀 Looking forward to a whirlwind trip! The pups are going to my cousin’s house.

I’ve been so busy I’m down to boxer briefs. Which I hate. I don’t know if I have spoons or time to do laundry today, so I might be down to Pilsbury Doughboy Boxers tomorrow which is when I know it’s gone way too far. I am running out of my nice tshirts too, everything else is political and confrontational and I try to avoid wearing them just wandering around my neighbourhood because I don’t want to get hassled. I’m a chicken!

Things are nice though, I am feeling like I have more connections to people, and a friend and I might see each other tonight, and I have an air conditioner on order so this summer should be miles better than last. Mom is coming next week, after I get back from Vancouver. She has an opening at the AGO she wants to be at, and then just some mother-daughter visiting. With air conditioning. Can you tell the air conditioning is very important?

Anyway, every thing has been super gayyyyyyyyy around here. I’d say Queerrrrrr but that doesn’t look as good as Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

After Emotional Distress weekend, I actually had a good day today. Monday was a bit hard too to be honest. But today things felt a little more resolved, and I got to talk to one of my best friends who was very helpful and kind and I love her I’m so glad she’s in my life.

My Macbook Pro is arriving tomorrow! It’s so exciting! I’m stoked! I am currently Carbon Copy Cloning my current Macbook Pro so that once I know it’s all properly transferred I can wipe this one and give it away to someone who wants to refurbish it. At this point it needs a new keyboard AND screen and I don’t want to put the money into it. But someone I’m sure could use it.

I did some creative work that was sorely overdue today. I have a deadline for it coming up soon, and I had some Writer’s Hesitation (plus I was so goddamn busy, then had Distress Weekend). Anyway, I did a good chunk of it tonight, and will work tomorrow in the day, and then on and on until it’s done later this week. I am hoping it will be finished this weekend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, so I am hoping I have resolved some issues that need addressing. I rewrote the opening scene and it’s way more exciting and creepy.

Yesterday was brutally hot. I got heat exhaustion and had to wear a wet t shirt. Today has cooled down, but I still know I gotta get an air conditioner.

After talking with my friend today I’ve realized I need to specifically reach out to certain people when I am in distress. Mostly people on FB were like “oh, well, interesting, hope you come back to post” when my weekend was really like “Shit I think I might seriously injure and/or kill myself what the hell do I do now and I can’t go to the hospital because my dogs will die without me?” Writing on Facebook is like screaming into the void, with some people kicking you in the face because they think it’s funny. I’m just glad it’s over, it was such a shitty time. And there’s all this work I have to do and I know I can do it but that incident really interrupted my ability to be creative for a couple of days. It’s back now. But shit, I haven’t felt that bad in a long time. And having bipolar means people invalidate my emotional reactions a lot. As in “You don’t have a good reason to be mad at me, it’s because you’re fucking crazy!” So I was relieved that my friend validated them for me today. And really I’m doing pretty good as far as the mood disorder stuff goes, I’m taking my meds, I’m trying to look after myself. I’m mostly getting enough sleep. A long standing issue is not eating properly (as in starving myself too much) so if I can get that under control I think I’ll do even better.

I’ve blocked and deleted some people who I found to be interacting with me in a harmful way, and am going to continue doing that. I’m not gonna let fucking bullies stay on my facebook. If they want to be assholes they can go do it on someone else’s facebook, and that includes liking mean comments on my facebook. And invalidating my emotions. And being general pricks.

Only people who treat me respectfully are allowed in my private social media areas. I think it’s a totally reasonable expectation. And certain family members are just gonna live in a restricted setting from now on.

I’m avoiding facebook right now because I’m finding my “friends” there to be more antagonistic and unsafe for me to interact with at this moment in time. What I really should do is claim my territory on my own spot on fb and do a mass unfriending. Because really there are just some shitty people who shouldn’t be able to comment on, react to, or see my stuff. But that’s such a headache. Really it makes the most sense tho. I’m just not ready to admit that my 700+ friends don’t all have my best interests at heart. It’s ridiculous though, I could easily cut 100 people and still have a network. Some people want to be my friends for work reasons though, but like, whatever, they can always ask me for my email or find me here. Like me posting 100 pictures of my dogs isn’t necessary for them to see to have a working relationship with me.

It’s just very frustrating when you know your friends and family don’t really respect you, or understand or validate that you have a range of emotions which are not going to all be complimentary towards them. And yes I am still pretty pissed off, but not going to punch a wall still. And I’m glad a couple of people checked in on me, including my Auntie Lori and an ex girlfriend. I’m pretty pissed at a couple of people in my family, who will remain nameless but will probably leave a shitty comment here anyway.

On the other hand, I haven’t logged into Facebook since around 1pm, and it’s actually kind of refreshing to not be inundated with ridicule. I know some people have left comments on my last posts, but I haven’t checked and part of me doesn’t really want to. Like I am genuinely expecting some shitty comments. On the OTHER hand, if I did go back and check and find some shitty comments, at least I will know who gets chucked out of my facebook “friends” list.

I had some shitty self harm urges today, but I’m ignoring them because I know how to cope with that shit. It’s just this shitty thing my brain goes to when I’m in distress. Like it’s so automatic, I don’t even know why. OMG but no one call the cops because if you really want to check in just call me. I’m not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. I just feel gross today because I’m disappointed in things the way they are. And even tho I feel gross and pissed off and in distress, I am not gonna cut myself or anything. Just blog and cry. I don’t know tho, do people think writing is self harm? I guess I piss some people off, but that’s not the same as me cutting up my arm. It’s all ideation anyway and nothing with an actual follow through. I’m just being honest about living with bipolar and having a couple of days of distress.

I’ve got shit to do this week though, so this blogging/crying thing is going to ease up for a while.

Having the dogs around is nice. They were being super cute and cuddly today. I had to go meet someone to do some storyboarding and audio recording today, but when I got back seeing the pups was nice. Even tho they are barky. I’m disappointed in certain people today. But like whatever, I know I can’t rely on people. And seriously the few people who did reach out made me feel a little better and validated my need to get off fb for a while.

I think maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist again soon. I have an appointment already, but sooner might be better.

I was on Twitter and Tumblr today instead, which was a nice alternative to fb. But didn’t have the same personal touch as fb. God why do I even want to go back to fb? It’s like an abusive relationship. Like I’m all “But it could change! Maybe if I prove I have feelings people will be nicer!” but it doesn’t work that way. But yeah, if I did some mass unfriendings I could possibly have a better experience there. There’s some people who have really pushed the envelope with me over time and I need to set some boundaries about it.

My Auntie Lori said maybe I feel raw because I just made a whole bunch of art. And that could be true. My last video which is showing in Vancouver was more personal and intimate than the other two comedies I did. I have a lot of feelings around it. And I’m literally naked and covered with dirt in it.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be off facebook. For all I know I might go back on later tonight. But on the other hand I have a lot of apprehension about the shit show my friends list is, and what shitty things people may have said. I was telling my Auntie how there’s this feeling I’ve only had since social media came around, where I know a comment is gonna be totally shitty and mean, BUT I also know I have to read it otherwise everyone else will read it and I won’t know what’s going on. And it’s this sinking in the pit of my stomach and a deep apprehension. It’s not fun and I have been feeling it a lot these days.

I am in such a pissy mood right now. And being bipolar there’s a lot of pressure to always be fucking cheerful and pleasant and DON’T rock the fucking boat and if people do wrong by you then whatever you can just keep smiling because otherwise they’ll say you’re crazy and moody. Fuck that! I am not a cheerful pleasant person right now. I am frustrated and angry and my social sphere is shrinking and there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that because I’ve alienated like, two people who I used to be on good terms with, and it’s not coming back. And I’m not like, in a conciliatory mood right now either. I can’t go tell people who seriously pissed me off or who I seriously pissed off that I can make it up to them or that whatever it’s okay I would do anything to be their friend again.

Ugh. So fucking mad. And it’s like crying mad it’s not even like, wall punching mad. Which is a shitty kind of mad to be anyway because A) it’s violent and B) now you have to fix your fucking wall. And I’m riding out the death gasps of my Macbook Pro until my new Macbook Pro arrives and it’s got a cracking screen and the keyboard doesn’t work so it’s got an external keyboard and it kind of sums up my frame of mind where I have been doing all these internal accommodations and really shoving down a lot of feelings and it’s not good and it’s kind of like, oh shit, the dam is bursting, and I have to stay off Facebook or I’m going to alienate a whole slew of friends with my angry mood. Yes that was a run on sentence and I don’t give a fuck!

Like I don’t get mad so often. But when I do it’s like, ARGH! FUCK! I’m so irritated. I’m irritated by the way people treat me. I’m irritated with the way the world is going. I’m frustrated that there’s this shitty power dynamic in the world that puts people like me at the bottom. And the funny thing is what tipped it over the edge was that my Mom was ignoring me when I would call her tonight. Like she would answer, but every time I talked she would talk right over me. EVERY TIME. And it was pissing me off so I made a facebook post about it and then a couple friends did the laughing react which made me see red and I had to get off facebook before I alienated more people.

I’ve only ever punched one person in my life, and it was my cousin, and we were 11. I have all these angry angry thoughts A LOT of the time, but I never do anything about them besides write them out. But it still pisses me off when people treat my anger or sadness as diminutive and of no consequence. Just because I’m not roundhouse punching people at the bar doesn’t mean I’m not seriously pissed off.

And yesterday there was this big long thread on my wall about how bipolar disorder can be treated by vitamins and ayahuasca and I’m just like nope nope nope. Vitamins will just give you expensive pee. And the pharmaceutical companies you hate, guess what, they make the vitamins too. Anyway that pissed me off especially when she suggested I was gonna get diabetes from my medication. You know what? I’m Indigenous, there’s a pretty safe bet I’m gonna get diabetes regardless.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t know, I wonder if I should post this on my facebook, but I’m trying to stay away from it because it will just piss me off more. But no one reads my blog if I don’t post it on facebook. I hate facebook man. It’s a trap. And it keeps people from posting art that has nudity in it, yet you can see all kinds of fucked up violent animal abuse and rape and shit on it. Or hate propaganda that for whatever reason doesn’t “violate community values.” You know what you can do with your community values Mark? You can shove them right up your ass!

Anyway, now FB has that Pride react which is cute, but rainbowing everything is kinda weird. Especially since it says right on it “PRIDE.” Jeez. I don’t know where it’s appropriate so I’m just priding selfies of people or cute animal videos or gay things, of which there are plenty.

And you know, fakebook makes me be a different person, a way more self-censored person. Like some of my rage against Canadian racism and good old Canadian white supremacy gets watered down on FB because again, I don’t want to alienate my white “allies” or “in laws” or whatever weird relationships I have with white people that really aren’t healthy if they can’t handle some Indigenous rage in their feed. Also I’m pretty sexual, even as a single person. And I see some gay male friends being a lot more overt about sex in their feeds, and I am envious, because if I talk about coming or fisting or this crazy new sex toy I got or thinking of going to the neighbourhood bathhouse on women and trans night, then people are gonna be bitchy about it and report me and get my account disabled. Like my Mom’s friends, or old high school friends, or just general heterosexual prudes on my friends list. And I know there’s a way I could possibly make an Overshare list on FB to just share to like minded pervs, but that also sounds like a lot of work.

Anyway. I’m feeling a little bit better. Although my social circle is still small and I still can’t talk to my mom or she’ll talk over me and not be interested in what I have to say. And I am still crying and angry, just feeling like, well, I’m not going to punch the wall still. And I haven’t deactivated fakebook. But I am still frustrated.

But it’s almost 11pm. I can still have an orgasm before bed and chill out. Like, there are things to do. And tomorrow I can go back to doing some writing, because I have a deadline by the end of next week. And there’s still Twitter and Tumblr. Sometimes when FB pisses me off I go there. Twitter is a lot more political, the Tumblr stuff I post is often ridiculous. Like once I reposted this woman having sex with a fucking machine while in bondage on the front of a truck zooming down the highway and it said “How it feels to chew 5 gum” and made me laugh so hard. Anyway, that obviously can’t go on Facebook, which is fine because my family would have a cow. There are still great and majestic places to waste one’s time on the internet besides facebook.

Yesterday they announced the new Macbook Pro’s, AND released them, so I tried to order one yesterday but my bank was being a dink. Then I managed to FINALLY do it today. I talked to a guy in Austin Texas named Steve and he was totally surprised when I listed out some letters for an apple card and said Zed instead of Zee. He’s never heard a Canadian say Zed before. That was pretty cute. But really he was so helpful and went through all the things with me and helped me figure out which adaptors to get. The adaptors and Microsoft Office are being shipped today, but the Macbook has to be specially built. So that won’t ship for another four or six days, and then take however long to actually get here. It’s pretty exciting!

Yesterday I finished writing my monologue for my experimental video I am doing this week. LAST VIDEO OF THE YEAR (so far) but it seemed ready and good so I recorded it today, and tomorrow I am going to start doing shooting of the visuals. I need to make some fake blood, get some cheese cloth, get some dollarama dirt, and think of some more imagery to use. I’m doing more performative stuff this time. It’s been an interesting trio of videos over the last couple of months, a really ridiculous spoof of lavalife, a comedic doc with some truths and lies, and now this totally serious experimental video.

I’m still in this situation where I need to direct a narrative dramatic short for my future as a director of a dramatic feature. I need to pick something really good to direct, and there’s a freaking Canada Council deadline approaching FAST and if I wait the next time they look at applications is not until November, and then I won’t hear until March. And I really do want to get some more money coming in. BUT ai! Jeez. Like I don’t know if I have a project built up enough to propose, besides my video game, which obviously ISN’T a dramatic short, and also when I applied last time with my game they really didn’t like it and didn’t give me a grant or even a “Highly recommend” which means they really weren’t going to give me a grant even if they had the money. Most unpopular! I still want to finish it, and I think I would have fun with it. But yeah, I don’t think they are into that project. BUT things have changed at Canada Council, and I COULD apply with another project (hopefully a dramatic short) in November AND apply with my video game for this round because it’s the most developed project I have that could use funding. Ha ha jeez just put my whole thinking process out here.

OKAY so I will try to write a better more exciting grant for my project. Maybe this time they can get a playable version of the game so far. It would be nice if they saw how it worked instead of a vague video that could be an animation for all they know. It’s hard because I’d be in a different category than my usual film/video category, and there are a lot of much more advanced media artists than I. I am kind of doing crossover work here. Anyway, I will throw my hat in the ring, AGAIN, and see what happens. The Council changed everything around, and seems to have more money. So who knows?

Either way, a new Macbook is coming, I got some good sound equipment, I recorded a monologue, I’ve made two videos so far, I have an outline to write, and a grant to prepare evidently. I also put my final report in yesterday. Things are doing pretty good. I’ve also had two requests from Berlin to screen an old work of mine (and I believe it’s already screened once last weekend) and I’m pretty happy about that. I need to screen more places! I’ve been submitting one of my other new vids to a bunch of places, but I won’t hear about that for a while.

Trying to shoot for three hours tomorrow, then write! After this video is done this weekend my workload is gonna mostly be writing, which I am happy about because I really need to concentrate on it. Still gotta make this deadline next week with it tho!

So I am sitting on a brand new couch from Ikea, with my foot on a brand new bench from Ikea, pretty happy with these things! It’s a super comfortable couch, I haven’t had a nap on it yet, but I am sure that will be pretty awesome when I finally do.

I’ve been waiting for my Macbook. I was going to order it, then heard they may be announcing all new Macbook Pro’s tomorrow. I’ve been holding off for a while. I really need a new Macbook Pro too because while I was in Winnipeg my Macbook started acting up and the YUIO keys alternately do and don’t work. And that’s like, three sometimes four vowels, so it really fucked with me. I have some writing work to do, so I was like freaking out and looking up every possible fix to get it working again. It looks like it’s a hardware problem though. I have an appointment with the Apple Store genius bar tomorrow, but I think I need to cancel it because I NEED to write a 20 page outline in the next two weeks, AND I have to shoot and edit a video this week. So I gotta keep it all at home, and not having ANY laptop would just screw up this crucial writing and video production week I have right now. I did go out and buy an external keyboard, which is saving my skin. I am writing on it right now, YUIO keys work no problem. It’s an awkward set up, but it’s working and temporary and as soon as I get a new Macbook Pro I can take this in to get fixed properly. Although it’s like, such a garbage laptop. 🙁

Today is the world Premiere of Riki and I’s video The Longform Lesbian Census, which should be fun. It’s at Buddies In Bad Times and a bunch of people are screening there.

I am waiting for some cheques! 😀 I hope they show up soon.

I am currently OFF welfare, because my assets are too high to qualify right now. But they said I could go back on when they get under 2500. I am going to try and stay off for a while though, I’m getting paid for my writing near the end of summer so if I can just hang on until then I’ll be ok! I’m really happy to be off Welfare, but also anxious about cash flow. I can still go through with my ODSP hearing though. I need to talk to legal aid though.

We got our plane tickets to Glasgow this past week. We head there, then go around Scotland, then Auntie Beth goes home and Mom and I head over to London. We were thinking of leaving from Glasgow, but London has flights leaving from Gatwick with Westjet, so we are going on one of those planes. I think it’s actually quite a smaller plane than the usual ones I have been on to go overseas. I guess we’ll see! More shit happened in London last night, which sucks. But I’m still determined to go! I know the threat level is really high right now. But, I dunno. I’m going to try and trust the universe.

I got some really good notes from my editor, so I am going to do some writing this afternoon before I go out. I need to get a foot back into it. Even if I wrote one paragraph today it would be a better start than where I am now. For me it’s always the first sentence that is the hardest, I over think it and make it all complicated, and then when I get into actually writing the thing it goes way better.

I also have to finish writing my monologue for the video I am shooting this week. I have some ideas floating around, but I haven’t really sat down to make a concrete plan for it. And I am getting the camera tomorrow, so I gotta be on the ball about this. It will be the third (and possibly final) video I have made in 2017. If I DO make more videos this year, it will probably be me finally finishing up my Webseries. But that needs more work still.

I have to get a draft of my script done this summer for the next Telefilm deadline. So the pressure is on! I know I can do it, I just want the outline to give me a good blueprint for my writing. It’s good for me to have deadlines though, I work well under pressure because of my ADHD. It’s a strange thing.

I had to cancel my Montreal trip in August. But maybe I will be able to go in July for a few days. I’m waiting to see if my other friend can put me up in her spare room. I also have to be here for the Blondie concert on July 26th. There are so many things happening this summer!

OMG I am so excited to get a new Macbook Pro. I really hope they release them asap!

I’m back in Saskatoon from a whirlwind one day Winnipeg trip to pick up my REVEAL award from the Hnatyshyn Foundation. I shook hands with the Lieutenant Governor of Manitoba, and met Gerda Hnatyshyn, and saw a lot of friends, and generally had a good time. The first stop when we got back was the bank to deposit my cheque! So it’s waiting for the hold to get taken off and then I go get my new laptop.

It was nice being celebrated and celebrating 150 artists (109 made it!)! We had a cute ceremony when we got to all go up and get our awards. Chief Perry Belgarde made a speech at the reception and another at the ceremony and both times he got booed, it was pretty funny. They played God Save the Queen and the Canadian National Anthem at the beginning and a lot of us got super uncomfortable. Ha ha. Like “Thanks for reminding us we are colonized!” But then they had some drummers do an honour song and people got excited again.

Mom wanted us to do an IKEA trip so the whole time we were there she was talking about it. I was dubious, BUT I did pick out a couch I was interested in, so we got to sit on it and look at the cover swatches, and it was firm and comfy and I approved and so did Mom. And we found a really nice upholstered footstool that you can lift a lid for storage, so I think I am gonna get that too. But I’m obviously not getting it from the Winnipeg IKEA, so when I get back I am gonna order it from North York or Mississauga IKEA.

We are also planning on going to Glasgow and back with my Auntie Beth in September, so soon we are gonna get some tickets for our two week trip which includes a week in London England (I am only specifying because I have been to London Ontario so much). And also taking a detour to the Coronation Street set in Manchester. Which had a terror attack tonight, not the Coronation Street set but at an Ariana Grande concert. So, I think there was some other thing recently too, but we are determined to go and not let these attacks keep us from living our lives and seeing things we want to see in the world. I mean, we really have been in certain large cities within months and days of major attacks. Like we went to New York City in 2001 in April and of course the twin towers came down in September. And we left Paris just eleven days before the attack at Bataclan. There are lots of close calls. But I mean, things happen. And overwhelmingly things DON’T happen. So why stay home when you could be there on the many days nothing goes wrong? And also I live in the biggest city in Canada, probably someone wants to target it at some point. Canada is a pretty safe country, but you never know. Someday something worse than Maple Syrup thefts might happen. (Legit, there really are maple syrup theft issues in Canada)

I was actually in the airport heading back from the Awards when I got a notification on my phone about the Manchester attack. It was kind of awkward because I was with some people who wanted to talk about how amazing the last 24 hours was with the REVEAL awards, so I didn’t want to wreck it by being like “People died!” But when Mom and I got to the gate I told her, and I could hear people around us watching one of the first videos that came out of people running and screaming in the auditorium. I think the really sad part is I imagine Ariana Grande’s demographic is quite young girls and women. So I’m not looking forward to when we see who actually died. And targeting anyone, but especially teenagers, is so cruel. I’m getting pretty tired of these things happening.

To change the subject, I miss my dogs, they are at a kennel right now. I’m gonna see them tomorrow though, and I am looking forward to it. They will fly back home with me on Saturday. It’s weird sleeping in a bed without them. They are the best snuggly kids. And they help ground me and make me feel safe and happy. So not having them is hard.

Anyway, I should sleep! I’m truly exhausted! And I had a shitty sleep last night and woke up at 1am just to check in to Westjet because I had almost forgotten!