Today I did a talk at Gamma Space for a meetup put on by Akimbo and Charles Street Video. It seemed to go well. Jennie from Dames Making Games asked if I was still interested in taking my video game further, and I am, so she said I could drop in and have people help me with my coding. So I am going to once June is over and I have free time again. I’m so busy these days. But July marks the time when my schedule starts freeing up again.

I sent in Draft 2 of this outline to my story editor. I think the end is more interesting. Not sure it’s THERE yet, but closer I hope. I had to think about it a lot, but the end before was about 443 words, and now it’s about 1100 words or so. So it’s a big increase. And I think I feel more satisfied with how it ends.

Tomorrow I head off to my family in Saskatoon. With the dogs. I have a neighbour checking in on my plants. I went on a plant buying spree and got a few more to improve my living space. I am pretty happy with them. I hope I can keep them alive. I have kept the aloe plant alive for a year or so, so that’s a good sign.

I have some animating work to do next month, and finishing this OTHER video for a festival screening in June. So there’s still things to do.

I’m hoping to see some old friends this year, I am going to Vancouver in June and Montreal in August. Montreal is purely a hang out with friends trip. I want to see my friend Robin, and Irene, and Shavonne, and maybe someone else. Vancouver’s a work trip, but I am going to see some friends out there too. Like Lynn, and my ex Amber Dawn, and Stephanie. And probably other people. I also got one of those Canada 150 park passes, so I am hoping one of my friends and I can go drive to a national park and have a doggy adventure. Somewhere in there I am going to see Blondie and Garbage.

Oh god I am so tired. I had better go to bed. Tomorrow I have to clean and pack still. I’m debating on bringing or leaving my audio equipment. On one hand, it might be nice to record ambient prairie sounds. On the other hand I have some light fingered cousins who help themselves to my things, even ones costing hundreds of dollars.

It’s weird going home. I feel like my life is in Toronto, so it’s a big interruption to leave it behind. On the other hand, there is a REASON I am going there, for my Grandparent’s feast. And I already have plane tickets leaving from there to go to Winnipeg. So it makes sense.

I feel like there are things I want to talk about, but I’m either writing here or in my diary, and I’ve kind of said the same exact things in five consecutive diary entries. And I am no closer to an answer on it either. So like, I dunno, it’s not helping me work through that thing. What do you do when you can’t keep working through the same thing because you have no answers because it involves someone else? NOTHING! I have to move on I guess and try to think of other things in life.

I did some writing today, which I’m pretty happy with. I have two more days of writing then I am in a plane heading for Saskatoon and it’s really hard to write there. I’m gonna try though! My career depends on it. I find it helps if I put in headphones so no one can bother me.

The dogs are fine. We had a nice day, went for a walk and got drippy rain on us, Posey marched through her favourite puddle and Little Mister came with us. I dyed my hair last night and did my nails, which was a nice self care thing to do. I got hair dye on some clothes though which sucks. Even on my new bra! I’m sad about that, but also no one is gonna see it anyway.

I almost shut down my OKC this weekend. I feel pretty frustrated with online dating again. I know I should keep it around though because I did get a few dates out of it. I’m thinking of changing my wishy washy “I could do polyamory or monogamy” to “Looking for a monogamous relationship.” I could do poly, but do I have to??? I feel like the only reason I’ve done it all the time is because I didn’t have the self esteem to demand more from people. And is it really fair to do poly but not actually have more than one lover? Like, maybe I should just get one and that’s it, because I really only ever have been able to do one at a time. Once I had two lovers at once, but it’s because one girlfriend was an asshole. Ok that’s not true, I was gamely trying to be poly. But it kind of is true she was an asshole (not for the poly reason). I think I am just a big disappointment to the polyamorous lovers I have had in the past because I’m not romping around. And I’ve never been a big romping type. And why pretend? I don’t really care if they have other lovers, but I think THEY care that I DON’T have other lovers so maybe it’s a bad idea to keep going for the polyamorous types.

I sent what I thought was a cute message to a linguist on OKC, BUT I made a typo and only realized after I sent it. Then I followed that up with a ridiculous “I have already failed” message hoping she would see the humour in the situation. But she never messaged back! I really did fail!

Ahhh it’s so late and I’m sleepy and maybe it’s bedtime for me. Today I got some new plants and pots and repotted them all and they are super cute and I am loving having so many plants in my house. I have one big Aloe Vera, two baby Aloes in a smaller pot of their own, a young Jade plant, a Spider plant, and I potted a pink Gerbera daisy I got as a prop for my video a couple weeks ago. So much green! 🙂 So nice! I hope I can keep them all alive! My aloe vera has been doing pretty good. I got it after my last Jade plant died (it died because the pot it was in had no hole! :O It wasn’t draining and the roots rotted!).

Anyway, yes it’s bedtime.

I’m a lil stuck on my writing I need to do. I was so busy this past while, getting two videos done. Then the majority of this week was devoted to rewriting. But I’m stuck. I read some notes again, did a little more research, but there’s something holding me back from really going all out on the ending. It needs to be way more complicated and difficult and involve struggling much harder.

But instead I spent a while on Twitter reading about the appropriation prize some white journalists were fundraising for. It was very frustrating. Some ended up apologizing for it (it happened last night on twitter in prime time drunken hours) but it still shows what they think of Indigenous people. ESPECIALLY since they were all associated with most of the major media publications in Canada, including Macleans, CBC, The Globe and Mail, The National Post, The Walrus, and a bunch of others.

Depressing.

But something interesting came out of that. I read a response to the whole appropriation article from Joshua Whitehead entitled Notes on Indiginegativity: An Addendum which uses the word “Indigiqueer.” Which is super interesting because in 2004 I made that word up to title the Vancouver Queer Film Festival’s Indigenous/two-spirit program I had programmed. Except I spelled it “Indigequeer” (because Indigenous has an E after the G). But still I was like “OMFG did I finally coin a word?” I did a little google search and saw a prof in Calgary using the term “Indigiqueer Survivance” for a class. Oh my god did I finally do it? Did I make a word!? I think I used it because some LGBTQ Indigenous people don’t feel as comfortable with the two-spirit title because it implies some dual gender stuff, which some people just don’t feel describes their identity. I know a lot of people don’t ID with the Queer label either. But I liked the idea of Indigequeer. Because Queer is kind of a confrontational label, it’s one of those old reclamations that makes people uncomfortable. Indigenous isn’t a really confrontational label (although everything else about it is because we are all still all over the globe resisting) so putting the two together makes this word I really liked. I’m really fine with it being spelled with an i instead of an e. But since it’s out in the world it’s not really my word anymore. And to have it used in academia is fascinating to me. I have a masters, technically I’m an academic. But I never really felt like I was up on the academic lingo, sometimes reading academic stuff gives me a headache. But having a word I made up being used and talked about and maybe defined (although it’s a very self explanatory word) is so interesting to me.

So that was an amazing thing to find out. I think it’s still a very fledgling word. I’ve also noticed it is used as a hashtag a lot too.

Ha ha so I found out I coined a word 13 years ago, and today I am stuck on my important writing of my script outline I need to do. But I made a word 13 years ago! That should be all the writing I ever have to do! Ha ha just kidding. I think the enormity of making work about this story I am working on is weighing on me. I need to approach it a little differently. It’s fiction. It’s total fiction with some very true things referenced. I feel a responsibility to my community. But I also need to be able to feel open with writing about my community without needing to please EVERYONE. I feel the weight of positive representations, but life isn’t all positive. People are complex creatures and hurt each other and the couple in my story doesn’t have the greatest relationship. And anger can get out of control sometimes and consume you. And I think I better end this blog while I’m in a writing mood and go make some more notes to myself.

I ordered a burger that I’ve been craving for two weeks and I’m mildly satisfied. I mean it fed me, it was just more money with delivery and tip than I wanted to pay. :/ Next time I order food I’m getting a bunch of stuff.

ANYWAAAAAY! I am nearly done the super busy part of my life (for a while). I finished that 2 Spirit video last weekend, and yesterday almost finished a video that is due tomorrow. It needs some more visuals, the talking head stuff isn’t interesting on it’s own. I mean for sure all the audio is getting used, I just think maybe something to intercut to would be good. It’s also constrained to four minutes, so like, I’ve been SUPER brutal in my editing. Some funny stuff got ditched just because it didn’t fit. Some funny stuff stayed tho! But yeah, it needs SOMETHING and I only have a day to figure that out because I need to send it by Wetransfer tomorrow at the latest, and I also have a ticket to go see Phillis Nagy talk at TIFF Bell Lightbox about the process of writing Carol tomorrow night. So I’m busy! And Wetransfer might take a while to upload, it really depends.

Then the rest of the week I am writing, or rather, rewriting. Which is going to involve more problem solving of my storyline. I’m at this weird part of my script/project where I really need to push it because it’s horrific and talking about real things going on that are horrific. And I’m so nervous people aren’t going to like it, and that they’ll be SUPER offended and like “You AND your film belong in the trash!” And there are so many people out in the world who want to vet creative projects and art, and it’s really difficult because it’s (to me) a kind of censorship. And I mean if something sucks then yeah, you don’t have to program it/watch it/curate it, etc. But I kind of think the feeling in the Aboriginal art/film world that we have to get approval from elders/cultural gatekeepers/etc is hindering us. I think the community doesn’t need consensus for someone to make projects. Especially for people who are also on the margins of the Aboriginal community, like 2 Spirit artists/writers/etc.

But shit man, even I feel it sometimes. When I was an emerging video artist I made some pretty “edgy” (read homosexual sex) stuff and it definitely offended people, of all ages. And in fact one group of youth started talking about how Indigenous artists needed to start a censorship committee which was totally shocking to me. It flies in the face of contemporary art practice and activism from the last 100 years. But that thinking has kind of stuck around trying to find ways to assert itself in the guise of being honourable and traditional. Like we have to ask for permission now to express ourselves because we are owned by this community. And I can see why people talk about community accountability etc. etc. But I still think it can head in a really problematic way towards outright censorship. And censorship has historically been levied against queer/2 Spirit/trans/women/POC artists and writers. So I have issues with it, especially since I fit under all those (and other) marginal identities.

And especially since the Aboriginal community hasn’t always treated 2 Spirit people well, especially since residential school and Christian indoctrination that brought homophobia and transphobia into our communities. And fuck, pre-Columbian Indigenous art often had very explicit homosexual imagery and stories, so claiming it’s not traditional is not true.

But anyway. Yeah, so my story editor is being a really good sounding board for the work I am doing on this script. I think if I had to seek out community consensus on this project, it wouldn’t turn out for the best. I think it would get really watered down and palatable and so not me.

I never really thought about having to be brave just to write/make something before. I mean people have said some of my stuff is brave, but I never really felt it was, even the super personal stuff. But this project really makes me nervous. Like I’m stepping out of my lane. It deals with violence against Indigenous women, culturally specific phenomenon, vengeance, and just happens to have a rocky relationship between two queer women in the middle of it. It’s a lot to juggle and a lot to think about. And I’m writing from my own position as an Indigenous lesbian and still feel nervous! I think part of it is that people are always harping on about wanting “positive representations” and while I can see how those are needed, they also get boring really fast. Film is all about conflict, so a positive representation doesn’t go too far.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t have a real good answer for all of this. Except I am going to be writing most of this week and trying to stay brave and bold and fearless. Not sure if there’s a ceremony for that.

Saturday:
I’ve been shooting and editing all day! It’s great! I haven’t made a video since 2015, which is a while. But this has gone so well, I’m happy about it. I’ve been writing for so long that I haven’t been able to see an outcome in a couple years, like a finished product. I forgot how good it feels to create.

I did most of the shoot today. I just have one friend left to shoot tomorrow. I had two actors come by this afternoon, and this evening I did my scene, which involved a lot of talking and I had to memorize and repeat things, so it needed a lot of practice. But in the end I did it and got to edit the rest of the night. Synched up the sound and selected the good takes and did a rough edit. It’s making me laugh, which is good because this one is a comedy. I think I might even be done it tomorrow if I can stay on top of it. I’m running out of space on my Mac though, so I have to clear it up quick and probably store more things on my external hard drives. Because it’s an HD file and is gonna take up a lot of space. And already my FCPX is telling me it can’t keep going with things the way they are! My poor computer!

Sunday:
So my computer made me stop and dump stuff, and I got rid of about 60GB worth of files, I think most of it was in my trash bin anyway. I shot my last actor today and went on an editing spree and got my video done! There’s two things I wish I could have improved, but were like, not gonna be fixable. BUT overall I am pretty happy with it, and I think it’s gonna have a decent life out in the world. It’s gonna show at Queer Arts Festival in Adrian’s show Unsettled, so that’s cool. I tried to be a sexy butch NDN lavalife lady, but I wasn’t as sultry as the lavalife woman.

The dogs and I are fine. Little Mister loved all the visitors this weekend. Posey was a grump so I put her in her kennel in the bathtub (no water!!) and she was fine. I submitted my new video to two festivals already, ImagineNATIVE and the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. So we’ll see! I’m gonna look around for other festivals to submit to. I guess. AHhh god tho I hate submission fees. Maybe I’ll look for fests with no fees. I think they are a rip off anyway.

I’m exhausted. I have to get up early and take equipment back (which means carrying this SUPER FUCKING HEAVY light kit to the curb) and then go help at a BLMTO Freedom Day event (set up/take down) in the afternoon. I should get to sleep soon but I redid my sound on my video and am waiting for the new version to finish uploading and replace my older version (like hours older). It’s got 18 minutes left to go!

I’m gonna enjoy sleeping. Tomorrow evening I am staying home and watching queer film submissions. We are making some final decisions on the festival on Saturday, so I need to catch up.

Also later this week we are shooting ANOTHER video, which I think will be funny. We are just using cameras on our phones. So it will be a bit easier I hope.

I have nothing else to write! My arms hurt! I got my TAC final report in this evening though, so HURRAH for that!

So being a “public figure” (as a longstanding queer filmmaker) I sometimes do vanity google searches to see what’s popping up these days. Someone said I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder, in a book, and that is factually incorrect. I am definitely bipolar. And that’s ok! Anyway, I did go through a rebellious antipsychiatry phase in 2007 or whatever so maybe it’s from that. ALSO I found a page for myself on Celebrity Net Worth which said my Net Worth was “under review” and used some info from I assume my IMDB page to say what I am famous for. Lez just put this to bed right now, my net worth is very small. I have almost $6000 in my bank account right now because it’s for a commissioned video and definitely not the kind of dollars I normally have in the bank. But I definitely have not made my first million yet. And I don’t foresee that happening even if my feature is a hit. So stop speculating!

And yet I am priceless!

Anyway, today was funny. OH but I guess I should talk about my actual birthday. It was great! I went to Marty’s and they made me a cake and we had pizza with friends and they gave me a tarot reading about my love life ahead and it ended with The Seer which in their deck is equivalent to the High Priestess. So that was cool, if a lil mysterious. I also got a two of cups for the opposing forces, and some other cups, like I think the nine of cups? And I got the magician for the first position. It was a very sweet reading. And I got to tell them a funny story from ages ago when I was younger.

Today I got some equipment from Charles Street Video for my shoot this weekend. Tomorrow afternoon I shoot a date/phone call/looking out the window scene. Tomorrow night I am lounging on my bed saying my monologue, and Sunday afternoon Elwood comes over for the last scene which is him looking at something on a laptop and talking to the camera on the couch. Short scenes! I am hoping to get it edited together tomorrow night or Monday and send it on to the places it needs to go!

I had therapy today, which was mostly me talking about past relationship patterns and also how much work I have to do. I swear, the past year and a bit every therapy appointment is me going “OMG I have so much I need to do it’s overwhelming!” I get through it, it’s just relentless tho. And the relationship pattern is something I need to look at more. Like I’ve been in some weird non-relationships the last ten years involving making out all the time and/or fucking and emotional connection and sometimes sleeping in the same bed a lot and all kinds of weird things, BUT nothing where we are like “Let’s change our relationship status on Facebook” or even “This is my girlfriend Thirza.” Like it’s been a lot of weirdness that left me feeling pretty devalued actually. And to have that happen for three relationships in a row is kind of weird man. I think I’m going to try and be more upfront with what I want and walk away if it’s not enough. I’ve been in a strange position of trying to make things work when they should have just been ended so I could have more dignity. So I’m trying to do that.

Yesterday I had a date, which was kind of fun, but mostly just a reason to go meet someone from OKC. She wasn’t really into me, which was okay. After I went for dinner with my friend Lisa and found out she used to know of someone I know from our distant pasts and that was a pretty funny conversation.

I got this dog camera called Furbo from my Mom for my birthday and it’s been SO HANDY! I can check on the dogs from my phone. They mostly lay around. Nothing too crazy. I get alerts when they are barking, which is nice, and then I can throw treats at them. Honestly it’s the best thing I’ve had in ages!

Anyway, I should go do some tidying and stuff. I have an opening to go to for my Auntie Lori at the Ryerson Image Centre tonight, so I gotta go do that. Also I am supposed to watch all these films by next Thursday. SO MUCH WORK! It’s cool though, I like being busy.

It’s Birthday Week! I am turning 39 on Wednesday. I am ancient! Ha ha no it’s cool, I like being older. I went with my friends Riki and Matty to High Park today to see the cherry blossoms, which were beautiful, and a stroll through High Park Zoo to try and find the capybara babies, but the capybaras were sleeping in their little house and we couldn’t see any of them. I was like “But it’s my birthday!” But that means nothing to a capybara.

Then we had Thai food and talked about tops and bottoms and switches and versatile folks and how there are a lot of bottoms compared to tops etc. etc. It was fun.

This evening I talked to my best friend Robin and that was nice, I’m hoping to see her this summer. ROBIN! 🙂

Tomorrow is a quieter day and I only have one thing to do, so I am going to try and finally do my laundry and also clean the apartment. I have a video shoot on the weekend so I need to get this place in order. I’m finally shooting the 2 Spirit video and it’s taken a long time to get off the ground. BUT NOW all is in place and it can happen.

I’m having a good week so far! Wednesday I go to a friends for family dinner, and Thursday I have a coffee date and also a dinner date (but the dinner date is with a friend not a romantic date). Friday I am doing therapy and picking up my equipment. Weekend is shooting shooting shooting. Then editing on Monday and sending in that video. That week is going to be more shooting for another video. Then I’m done that on May 8th and have to do some more shooting for ANOTHER video, but it’s an experimental one so I can do it more on my own.

WORK! Also I finally sent my outline off to the story editor/consultant and am awaiting notes on it.

But my personal life is pretty fulfilling these days. I’m having quality times with friends and doing more things and getting out and stuff. I went to a book launch on Saturday and I swear I got cruised by some cuties so that was fun. I like spring and how flirty people get. Like everyone is kind of frisky and single people get hopeful again and people are wearing less clothes and being super cute. And it’s just really nice, because sometimes the winter is grim. I mean I still had dates this winter, but there wasn’t that sense all over the place of people looking for people to kiss like there is right now.

I had a dream about someone I had a massive crush on when I was like, 19-20. I had two dreams actually. It was kind of funny because I hadn’t thought about her in a while, the last time I got in touch with her I was living in Saskatoon and far away from anyone. So I don’t know, I sent an email, because I’m curious and follow my stupid dreams ha ha ha! She’s probably gay married by now anyway. Or thinking I am very weird and still too young. BUT I’m turning 39!!! It totally isn’t a thing anymore. But probably she’s not going to email me back anyway.

Follow your dreams!

So it has been 3 years since I got an ablation for a whole bunch of reasons. A lot had to do with how brutal my periods were from having fibroids. Part of it was because I never really liked having a period because of the pain and mess and waking up in a bloody puddle. But also part of it probably had to do with my whatever gender thing I have going on. I don’t really think it’s like, so simple as “men don’t have periods and women do” but it feels a little less strange for me not to bleed. I never felt like I was super empowered or anything by bleeding on strangers sheets or having to buy black sheets. I finally figured out how to get blood out of my sheets when I started researching ablations and talking with my doctors about getting one. I had a couple of years on birth control to try and improve the situation, but honestly it did nothing but make me depressed and have a low libido.

SO anyway, three years and a few months ago I got an ablation, and life has been pretty sweet since. I was lucky in that I have so far never had a period again. Like, never. Sometimes I feel a little weird about it, like having exited from the exclusive club of vagina bleeders. BUT my other option was a hysterectomy and that was too extreme for me and I’m trying to hang on to it for Reasons. Not baby having reasons, more the fact that all kinds of things can change after a hysterectomy. Like your orgasms can change a bit and the bladder sits differently and you can have incontinence. Things like that. SO I know it still might happen, but right now it’s all good.

I think I could possibly really disappoint someone only if they were very into menstrual sex and we were trying to date. But it’s never come up. I honestly wish I could recommend more women and trans folks get them who hate their periods, but not every ablation is as successful as mine, and some people want babies from their own uterus, and also some people don’t have the insurance to get a surgery procedure that costs a few thousand dollars. Even here in Canada. Although it is covered for Canadians with health cards. Also I just feel weird being like “have an ablation they are great!” because periods are so maligned in our patriarchal culture and it seems slightly shitty to say “I hated having periods they suck I’m so glad I don’t have them anymore.” Even tho that is my feelings about my body and the way my periods were.

I think the biggest difficulty is that doctors are very against taking away women’s abilities to have successful pregnancies. Technically I could get pregnant, but it would be a REALLY bad idea and the fetus wouldn’t survive and I would have an emergency. So no babies for me! Last year when I got baby-wanting feelings I admit I sort of regretted it. But then more recently I was like “WAIT A MINUTE! I don’t ever want to be pregnant! I never wanted to be pregnant!” So now I feel fine about it again.

Anyway, to sum up, cancelling my monthly subscription was the best thing I did. Two thumbs up. No ragrets.

Soooo ha ha, I thought maybe I should go back to talking about my work for a while since I won that award and I know sometimes people use this site for my publicity. Well, I am doing a lot of writing, a lot of video viewing, a lot of plotting my next three video shoots. I have to shoot a phone camera based video this month, and near the end of the month/next weekend shoot my 2 Spirit video. I need to find two more actresses tho. And maybe someone to press the camera button. I have my video about being light skinned to shoot in May to try and get it done for June. There is no try only do! Also I am collaborating with my Mom on a stop motion animation of some of her beaded microbes for a residency/show in June in Ottawa. So that will be interesting.

It’s kind of funny but good that all this work is piled on right now, along with my main job of writing my script. Because I know there’s going to be this lull after June when I am all done and can relax and that is something I am really looking forward to. Plus then I can focus on submitting all this work to other festivals, and probably working on some more grants for MORE work to do.

I didn’t get welfare this past month because I didn’t need it, which was nice. I won’t get it again next month because I still don’t need it. Having an income is really nice, even though it is patchy. Next week a big cheque is supposed to come to help me make one of these videos. That’s cool!

Today I mostly cleaned my house, but like, a deep spring cleaning clean. I got rid of some clutter and washed places that haven’t been washed in months. Took out so much recycling and garbage. It was such a beautiful day today. Tomorrow I’m going to a friend’s for roast beef.

I did some window shopping for equipment to buy, like a new Macbook Pro and a Zoom recorder and I even looked at an iPhone 7 but geezus it’s a lot of money. :/ On the other hand I need a new phone. But that is a lot of money! I know my current phone is gonna be obsolete soon. And the battery is dying faster these days. I would probably love my phone when I got it. But I might put it off a while still. I did figure out I need to buy it outright because the plan I am on would not be offered if I signed up for a term to get a discount. Like, it would be more money and every month I would have to pay it and I’m worried during a lean time I would get my phone cut off. It’s way pricier than what I pay now and for less options. I guess it’s good to research.

I’m aware the last three posts I have written have had some heavy stuff in them. I’m not exactly sure why this is going on now, but I seem to be working through some stuff. It’s been a while since I had some pain to work out. And it’s a little bit confusing to me, because I’ve been doing really well even with getting rejected the other day. Actually, that is probably why it is coming up, because I’m in a safe enough position to work through some old stuff I had forgotten about. It’s very difficult and makes me sad and I had this long habit of just kind of stuffing down feelings and not feeling them. And now I think I need to face up to it.

I made a 56 song playlist on my iTunes of broken hearted songs, just sad stuff to listen to so I can really be present in these feelings. It’s funny because it’s not even like I am going through a break up, but I think it might help resolve some overall sad feelings.

Like I have a lot of grief for my grandparents dying. We were very close. They did a lot of childcare for my single mom when we were growing up, so they were often around. And Grandpa was like, my Dad really. He was the loving patriarch in my life. I called a tattoo parlour today to finally make an appointment with a tattoo artist whose style I like. I’m ready to get my memorial tattoo for them. It’s going to be a canoe on a rippling lake against the silhouette of the boreal forest. An empty canoe. They met in La Ronge, which is in Northern Saskatchewan right in the boreal forest, and canoeing is something they did a lot of. I’m getting it on my upper back, which seems like the right place even tho I won’t be able to see it.

I guess I also have some downer feelings about being single for so long and not being very good at dating. Like, I just don’t get it. I think my personality isn’t very sparkling for first dates, like I am just kind of shy naturally. And it’s not always like that, when I get to know people I come out of my shell and can make some good jokes and be cute. But dating these days is so weird. Like, I don’t get tinder. I have only gotten two matches on there, and one was just a friend who wanted to say hi. I did meet two people from OKCupid this year, but neither of those worked out and one of them ghosted me which was really disappointing, especially since she was a cute top and I liked her. I guess it’s better because I actually went on actual dates and not just hanging out with friends I had massive crushes on and confessing and losing a friendship.

My dating history has been weird. Mostly disappointing. And a lot of “things” that were not easily classified as being girlfriends, even if we were fucking/talking everyday/being emotionally intimate. I was in a lot of polyamorous relationships and there would be tension because I wasn’t as great at getting other lovers as they were. So there was a lot of pressure for me to keep finding people to sleep with, and really I would be content just focusing on one person. Now I am trying to shift my focus to finding a monogamous dominant woman, but fuck that seems really hard to find. I kind of understand why so many bisexual women end up with straight cis men, there are just more of them and they are easier to find. I’m looking for someone whose queer and a woman and kinky in specific ways and within a particular age range and with certain qualities like gentleness and kindness and intelligence and humour and within a particular geographical area and attractive to me. It seems like a lot of intersecting demographics have to occur, and not only that, BUT they also have to be attracted to me and looking for all the things I have to offer.

I guess I’m happier that I am in a bigger city where there is a bigger pool to draw from. But it still seems really difficult. And internet dating is just hard, it’s hard to tell if there will be chemistry based on a profile and picture.

I wish I had cake.

The problem with my disappointing dating history is that I never got a girlfriend who was serious enough about me that I could bring them home to meet my family. I always wanted to someday. When my first girlfriend Ivana and I were dating, I had all these daydreams that they could come home with me for Christmas and meet my family, but of course it never happened, and the rest of them didn’t meet anyone either. And as my Grandparents got older and older I wanted them to at least meet one person who was deeply in love with me. But no one was deeply in love with me. And now they are dead. And I mean yeah someone could still fall deeply in love with me, but they can’t meet my Grandparents now because it’s too late. Which is sort of painful to think about. It’s a lot of unresolved grief about a lot of things.

I had a psychic tell me I would end up in a serious really good loving relationship that would last the rest of my life. But it’s a ways off apparently. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how much more I can improve myself before someone will find me loveable. I feel like I’m doing everything I want to do. I have a career. I have housing. I’m in a good spot. I have my routine where I can keep my house clean more regularly. I don’t do drugs or alcohol anymore. I love my dogs. It might not even be me, it’s probably just that I haven’t met the right person yet.