Etsy suggestions? I knew I would regret ordering from them! Ha ha!

Ha ha this really isn’t about Fake News I just wanted to see if it would get more visits.

Back to my boring life!

So it’s Day 3 of restricted Facebook use. I am currently staying off of it between the hours of 9-5 Monday to Friday. Which is giving me better work habits. I did a lot of work in the last two days. I’m pretty happy with that. Monday when I finally opened up Facebook at 5 I wasn’t too disappointed, like I didn’t feel I missed a lot, and I still felt there were other more worthwhile things to do like read a book. And do dishes. Basic living things, you know.

But it’s DAY 3 and I’m starting to jones. I know I’m gonna get back on at 5. It’s not really awful, it’s not like I can’t see it at all, and it’s only 3 hours away. BUT STILL I am all tempted to log back in and be satiated by ridiculous stuff. But I know it would harm my productivity, and it would probably make me angry and sad again. And I don’t want to make a totally innocent ridiculous status and get a whole bunch of unsolicited advice anymore. “I like pinecones!” “Have you tried them with butter, here are 50 recipes!” Or horrible news “These animals were abused, and here’s a picture!” Thanks Dog Lovers page, that’s totally not traumatizing at all! Or 60 people talking about Donald Dump and what crappy things fell out of his mouth today. I already watched CBC News Network I don’t need to read the same thing 60 different ways.

So I don’t know why I’m still drawn to opening an FB window in my browser. Habit I guess!

Habits are hard to break. I almost wonder if deleting my whole FB would be worth it, so I can’t go back.

Then again a lot of people seek me out for work related things there. And I talk to my cousin Deanna on chat there all the time, since they basically killed off Microsoft Messenger and it’s the only thing besides Skype. And she won’t go on Snapchat.

Anyway! I should get back to my work work. That I can actually make money from. Instead of talking about FB on my blog, which I will probably post on FB when I finally go back on in 3 hours.

The things I DO like about FB are: I can reach out to friends easily, I can look at pictures of crushes and my friend’s cute dogs, I follow some funny meme pages which are basically my favourite things to repost, and I can keep in touch with far away friends like my friends in Berlin and stuff, AND I get work requests on FB which I would miss out on if I wasn’t there.

And for those reasons I probably won’t completely cut out my FB use for a while still.

Shit! I’ve had this long standing issue with disordered eating patterns where I just FORGET to eat until late in the day. It’s really bad. Anyway, yesterday I didn’t eat until 3pm. I’m trying to stop doing this. Like that is pretty typical for me. And it contributes to me being chubby oddly enough because my body goes into starvation mode so when I do finally eat it holds onto as much as it can.

Also incidentally it is probably related to my ADHD.

Anyway, today I DID remember to eat on time, and just ate an early dinner.

I also finished (FINALLY!) the first draft of my short video script. I’ve really dragged my feet on this project and I need to do a lot better and get it and another project finished and off into the world. I’m planning to be done the rewrites in the next few days and then do a casting call among friends and friends of friends to plan a shoot in the next month or so. It’s really going to depend on money coming into my life or not, worse comes to worse I have a camera and tripod and can rent some lights for cheap. Ah shit I need some new mics, or rented mics!

I’m waiting to hear about funding, it’s freaking me out, like it always does. I have two possible funders for two different projects. And I’m waiting to hear about a possible award thingy.

Really I just wish artists could get some kind of regular income besides being a sessional. Actually that’s not even regular income because sometimes your class isn’t offered or they hire someone else.

But anyway, that is a constant annoyance of mine. I like what I do for a living, I just wish I didn’t have to worry about if it will or won’t provide a living.

I’ve been enjoying being alone with the dogs again. Mom was nice to hang out with, but two weeks in a one bedroom apartment is stressful. Now it’s just the pups and I and our routine. And we can watch whatever we want on TV.

Facebook is stressing me out these days. Actually I am thinking of taking a break from it and deactivating for a while. I already have this blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr to hang out on and find shit out. I wonder if maybe I should just log out and not log in for a while. The only thing I really like about it is that I can look at it on my phone in public without a big ole penis zooming by like when I try to check out my Tumblr. Which I don’t mind in private, but it looks all kinds of suspicious if someone is standing over you on the streetcar. I’m just tired of the sad posts and frustrating interactions with friends. It’s pretty depressing when you know your relationship with someone would improve if they would stop commenting on everything. OR better yet, if you provided NO content for them to comment on.

You know I feel like I should log out for a month, BUT ACTUALLY one of my friends was only logging in once a week for a day. Which might make more sense. PLUS Messenger still works without having to be on FB.

It’s something I have been thinking about for a while. I feel like my relationship with all the other social medias I am involved with is a lot healthier, a lot less addictive and stressful. Like I just don’t check up on them as much. I maybe check Instagram 3 times a day, Twitter once a week, Tumblr every three days. Using them might ramp up a bit more if I restrict my FB useage, but not as much as I currently use facebook. Like I am just so addicted. And most of the time it doesn’t enhance my life, except that I see events and people wanting to do stuff. But if they know I am only online once a week or on the weekend maybe it will be okay.

Plus I have Snapchat, which is cute and more interesting than Facebook. People are more creative on it.

And a bonus of quitting FB during the week is I would probably get a lot more work done, AND do more reading. I still have a Miranda July book to read, and the Gilda Stories, and some other books that I know I’d be way into if I just sat down and read them instead of being distracted by how many essays about fakey faker Joseph Boyden I can read in an hour.

It’s 2017! I made it through 2016!

Christmas was good, Mom and I have been doing some shopping, mostly for beads, went to a couple of movies. Tomorrow we are going to Aquasize because it’s one of my new years resolutions (and fun) and also because Mom likes it. Also more bead shopping.

I am trying to picture my life improving this year, and what I need to do to make it happen. I talked to my psychotherapist on Friday about the undiagnosed ADHD and she thought I should go to my doctor and get screened for it, and possibly for appropriate treatment get referred to a psychiatrist who can figure out how to medicate me while also not fucking up the bipolar stuff I deal with. So I guess I’ll do that, probably end up on a long waiting list, but I think I can handle it.

I also want to learn a useful yet frivolous skill, so I’m going to do dance lessons at some point this year. I’ve been really shy about dancing for a long time, and I used to be good at it. And part of it is that I’ll try to dance and people (usually family members) make fun of me so I go sit down again. Which is honestly really shitty and I just shouldn’t dance around them. BUT also it might be a good way to meet people and it’s a fun thing to do and I can’t talk at clubs or parties anyway when there is loud music so it would give me something to do.

And another thing I want to do for my resolution is to properly recycle and compost. I’ve been really shitty at it, and I know I could do way better, AND it would be good for the environment/my conscience.

Some things I want to do this year (but aren’t official resolutions) are getting more dates (even one would be more, really!), getting trained for a decent paying part time casual job I could do between contracts and grants, learning how to socialize within groups more (not Toastmasters because that’s public speaking which I am fine at, but conversing with strangers really so I can network), and helping my dogs lose weight by walking them more (and feeding them less). We do walk once a day, but if it was twice it would be a lot better for them, and me.

My New Year Tarot spread I did today said this year would be a lot about my career and money and overall about a cycle ending. But also it said I should concentrate on relationships, in particular romantic relationships, and accepting love. Which seems really hard when I have no actual potential dates. But that was LAST year and this is THIS year. And I haven’t even left the house today, so I can’t really say there’s no hope when it’s been one day in and I’ve spent it cooking with Mom.

AHHHHHH and there is someone I like but it’s not ever EVER going to go anywhere. It’s too bad we could be really cute together because we are so compatible otherwise. She’s just not into me THAT way. It’s hard to get new crushes when you keep going back to the same old hopeless crush. It’s like having a sore in your mouth and poking it with your tongue so much that it doesn’t heal. But the good news is that it is a thing that has gone dormant for years on end in the past. So that’s some kind of grim hope.

I feel like there are other things I want to do this year. OH one other thing I wanted to do is actually learn Ukulele because it’s just SITTING here gathering dust and I really did want to experiment with being musical, even in a geeky nerdy way! This was actually last year’s resolution that failed. I think allowing myself to make music might translate into me being able to access a different part of myself that would be useful as a filmmaker. Same with the dancing.

Another year my resolution was to be a consumer, but not so much of clothes and electronics and stuff, more a consumer of media and books and cultural things. I’ve been getting better at that, I have seen a lot of movies last year and watched more TV and Netflix. But I think I need to go to galleries more, and also read more books. I don’t do a lot of reading and it’s a problem.

Also I need to write in my diary more. I tried it a little bit last year, hand writing, and it really helped me process my emotions around different things. Also it made me cry a lot.

OH and I was able to cry more easily this last year! FINALLY! I want that to continue, I think being in touch with my emotions is important and for so long I’ve just tried so hard not to cry that when I needed to cry it wouldn’t happen.

Christmas this year is vastly different for Mom and I. For one thing, we are doing it here in Toronto. She arrives Christmas morning and I’m making brunch (must remember to get more maple syrup), we’re gonna open a couple presents and she gets some mimosas and I get plain orange juice and coffee. Christmas Eve I am spending alone at my place though. I’m trying to figure out a good new Christmas Eve tradition.

I’ve decided I am making Carol my new Christmas Eve movie to watch. Pups and I are gonna put it on the Blu-ray and resist the temptation to smoke (so many cigarettes in that flick!). Eat some snacks and light some candles. Maybe have some kind of soak in the tub too. I really wish I had someone to fool around with or even just make out with on the couch, but it’s way too late to arrange anything like that.

I’m making Christmas dinner, we’re having an organic chicken instead of a turkey. Stuffing. Potatoes. Maybe a squash. Cranberry sauce, and some Saskatoon pie for dessert which I will make on Christmas eve because sweet and savory in the same oven is a bad idea. Maybe I will even drag my table from the porch in here so we can actually sit at it instead of on the couch. We’ll see.

And that’s about it for Christmas. We are gonna relax the rest of the day and Mom will drink Baileys and I’ll probably move on to a cola. We’re gonna watch Auntie Mame which has been a Christmas tradition for a number of years ever since I discovered it as a teenage homo.

Speaking of Cola, I recently found out people with ADHD often self medicate with caffeine. And the reason I am mentioning this is because after much discussion with a close friend, I have come to realize it is most likely something I have been dealing with most if not all of my life. It wasn’t noticed by anyone else because girls with it don’t often have the hyperactivity part of the disorder. And also I didn’t have the underachieving part of ADHD because I was able to complete my Masters degree. But what if I had been treated? Would I have done better? I have a hard time following conversation sometimes because my mind will just wander off at the most random times, even if I am trying to focus and it’s important to listen. Even when I WANT to listen.

Also sometimes I’ve felt like I let myself down in terms of productivity. Sometimes I can be so good at it because I hyper-focus for hours if it’s something I like, and other times I just have such a hard time sitting down (or cleaning or whatever the task may be) that I just procrastinate for ages.

I’ve been doing things that a lot of ADHD people do to manage their lives better, like having alarms for all my appointments in my calendar, timing cooking because sometimes I’ll forget or lose track of time, writing boring shit like “I’m gonna wash the floor now” on my FB so that I have to be accountable to randoms on FB and will actually follow through on this task.

I like this idea of hyper-focus that ADHD people get, but also, I really want to be productive the rest of the time and be a little more together. My friend sent me all this information and youtube lectures about it and learning about what it does really makes me wonder how I could have thought this is normal for everybody. And I always wondered why other people could do so much that I had such a hard time doing.

So in the new year I’m going to investigate getting a diagnosis and treatment for it. It’s tricky because of the bipolar, because I don’t want amphetamines to make me manic. Strattera isn’t an amphetamine, but it costs 400 a month and probably my NIHB would get all bitchy about paying that and make me take an amphetamine anyway.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind this Christmas!

Mostly though, I’m excited to just have a quiet happy Christmas with my mom, at home, with my pups. It’s totally different than any other Christmas.

I’ve mentioned before (maybe?) my troubles with getting a permanent full time job, which is that it conflicts with my career that sometimes has me out of the country/city, etc, that sometimes requires me to work full time on my writing or filming things etc. I need a job that is made up of steady gigs that I can take a break from when I need to do other stuff (which also sometimes pays). I need something to get me through blips of time.

So I was talking to my Mom about it, and she said I should look into Voice Over work. I’ve done a lot of monologues as part of my video practice, and I’ve also been a call centre worker, so I had to have a nice clear voice so people could understand my survey questions. I think I could do it.

I’ve been doing some research, it’s an okay paying job and there’s lots of work out there. My friend Juli posted a bunch of links to voice over talent agencies and training places around here. Next time more money comes in I can buy some decent sound equipment to record myself on my own. There’s a place in Toronto that does a month long weekly workshop that teaches you about the Voice Over industry and how to read a script and analyze it and stuff. Ontario Works pays for some employment related skills training, so I am going to approach them on Monday about paying for this workshop. It starts in January. Which is really soon. Maybe if I miss that one I can do the one in February or something.

It would be nice to have a weird skill that is employable. I have a lot of employable skills, but the nature of the film production industry means I can’t do project after project after project with like, 14 hour days back to back. Like, it’s not good for my disability. But something like this might be easier. And I like talking. It’s funny though because if you met me you wouldn’t think so because I am really quiet until I have assessed people and determined if I can be a weirdo around them or not.

It would be nice to do audiobooks or something. Documentary voice overs. Juli said I might be interested in loop groups, which are people who get together and provide background walla for films. It could be fun! She posted a video of people doing it.

I’ve also heard some bad things about voice over work, specifically regarding video game voice over work. There was (is?) actually a strike going on over working conditions which push the actors too far and damage their voices. So that’s a concern.

And obviously I wouldn’t cross a picket line.

But this makes more sense for me to do than even the described video for the blind thing I had been interested in before. I wouldn’t have to be tied to one company, and I could choose when to work and when to take a break. It might be worth it to try and get insurance on my voice though, in case I end up being one of those people who needs to get vocal surgery.

Anyway, that is my thought these days! I hope this is the thing that works out for me!

It’s been over ten days since my surgery! I can have penetrative sex again! Roll out the dildos!

Ha ha, but still there’s no prospects, so whatever.

My healing went well, it’s been 3 days at least with no more oxycodone. And it’s been fine, better even. I was getting so constipated and unhappy on that medication, and it was painful and distressing, so now things are back to normal. Some of my incisions are still a little tender. But not bad. I don’t have any pain really. I visited a piercing place the other day and got my hood piercing put back in, so that was nice, because the retainer was irritating me. I’m able to clean on my own and have baths and carry Little Mister up and down the stairs and take out my own garbage, and tomorrow I am gonna do some laundry on my own.

There was one day I felt a few sharp pains from my ovary, and I wasn’t sure if it was ovulating or doing something related to healing. I was getting pains from that cyst almost every day near the end, so it’s been really nice NOT having cyst related pains. But the ovarian pain was a little odd, because it happened in the middle of my healing. But I do usually feel when I ovulate, so that really could be what it was.

I’m waiting to hear about some stuff, so that’s a little bit exciting. I am going to be getting some funding news in the next couple of months, which is something to look forward to. I also am still eligible to apply for another OAC grant, so I think I may do that next year.

The dogs are okay. Little Mister started coughing again today though, which SUCKS Because he might need MORE expensive antibiotics. I’m going to call the vet tomorrow and inquire. He’s mostly a happy guy, but I’ll be damned if something as ridiculous as kennel cough takes him from me. He’s like, a healthy little boy, who still has some years in him.

On the love front, well fuck. I’m back in an unrequited situation and it SUCKS and I am so tired of this happening and I have to figure out how to deal with these feelings on my own. Especially since I like being friends with this woman and don’t want my ridiculous feelings to interfere with a good friendship. And I already KNOW it’s not gonna happen. Like, at all, ever ever. So I guess my strategy is just to keep getting out there and meeting women and hopefully someday I’ll have a date again. I got off dating websites and apps because they were humiliating and no one would ever message me back. And sometimes people messaged me and I wouldn’t message them back either because I wasn’t into it. Anyway, I decided online dating was the worst possible thing for me. I can make a bunch of short videos that people seem to appreciate, I can talk in front of hundreds of people about personal work, I can run a blog for twelve consecutive years that has some kind of audience, but for whatever reason I can’t catch a date on OKCupid or Tinder. I must be really unphotogenic or something. Or maybe they are all racist. Or maybe I just come across as awkward. Ugh. And I AM awkward. And I don’t make great first impressions because I am super shy/introverted. Especially in group situations where I don’t know most of the people.

I can talk in front of university classes though.

So weird. I probably overshare on OKC or something. I just want potential dates to be informed so I don’t find out some one has a hatred for whatever thing about me I have no control over like race or mental health status.

BUT I did make a committment to myself that I was going to meet people in person from going to places. Like meet them just living my life out in the world. And I did have like, four crushes this past year. On women I met in real life. They didn’t GO anywhere, but still! That’s something. A crush for every season!

But healing from surgery has kept me from meeting anyone, except the butch lady at the hardware store who winked at me when I bought my Christmas lights. She wasn’t as interested when I bought my mop a few days later tho.

It’s been a boring few days, but my friends helped me out with some dog walking and house chores and groceries and things. Today I was all on my own, so I watched a bunch of movies on the AMC channel and finished watching Transparent season 3. I skipped my night dose of this painkiller last night and it was fine, I was a bit sore and achey when I woke up this morning, but then I took some meds and it was okay. I’m just trying to slowly taper off them so I don’t get addicted because that would be a pain in the ass. Plus if I only take two a day I only have four more days left. So I’m really trying to stretch it out.

I had more energy, until about 4pm then I just felt WIPED and took a nap. Recovering is very boring.

Today I saw Goonies and Tremors. And played with the dogs. Little Mister is being super adorable today. Right now he’s sleeping, but he’s been asking for cuddles and kisses all day. Posey is also snuggled up to me these days.

My friend Marty gave me a tarot reading and it was really good, among all the things it said, it mentioned I was looking for a top, and that people saw me as being like, someone who was good at getting grants and having a career. Of course it didn’t say I would get in a relationship, but that’s probably also the fault of the way I asked the question because it was about a specific crush and not my love life in general.

My surgical strips fell off today, and I got to look at my incisions. They seem to be glued shut. They are very small, even the one in my bellybutton is tiny. Anyway, they are healing well, a little itchy but not too bad. I’ve been eating well and mostly resting. I did do two bureaucratic things today, but it was just putting some stuff in the mail, so it wasn’t AWFUL! Not like, standing in line somewhere.

I’ve got linty strips where the gauzey bandages were stuck to me, and those are kind of annoying in an aesthetic way. I don’t feel like I should be applying a lot of friction to that area to get it off tho. I briefly considering wiping my tummy with goo gone, but that’s probably a terrible idea.

All kinds of things have been going on in my guts. The co2 that was in there was making me so gassy, and then I was constipated from the pain meds so I felt nauseated a couple days. Everybody has advice and some is better than others. But mostly I just need help with my dogs, because Little Mister weighs 15 pounds and has to be carried up and down the stairs. Also I needed help with laundry on the weekend, which Marty helped with. I’ve just got ten days altogether to be careful, and 14 days to be back to normal. So it’s coming along. Although it’s really only been four days still.

Not even halfway there!

The painkillers I am on are pretty serious, so I’m trying to use good judgement in taking them. I think doing two a day instead of three right now is better. I’m hoping maybe tomorrow or the day after I can go down to one in the morning.

I remember when I was in concurrent disorders group these people who had been addicted to painkillers would do a lot of handwringing about upcoming dental surgeries and stuff where they would be faced with taking painkillers again. And I never really thought much of it, like if you’re in pain why not take them? But now everyone’s freaking out about how addictive these meds I am on are and stuff and it’s like, holy shit! I just got surgery! I am literally just taking them for pain. Like, no way would I be doing this for fun, they make me constipated and groggy and that is about it. I mean, also they get rid of my pain, which is the main point. But I’m not like, having a good time over here. Of course I wasn’t smoking weed to have a good time in the end either.

So I guess if I had been prescribed medical marijuana to deal with this surgery, I would probably also be doing a lot of handwringing and trying to find alternatives or just living with pain.

The main thing besides being constipated and groggy is I hate that these meds make me feel sort of like, half stupid. Like my brain just isn’t working at it’s optimum. It’s not good for creativity.

On the other hand, it IS good for sitting back and watching tv and movies and eating snacks. Which is basically all anyone who is recovering from surgery should do.

I had surgery yesterday to remove an ovarian cyst. It was big. They used lasers. I had day surgery so I didn’t have to stay overnight, thank god! I just had to recover and have a pee. I have three gauzey bandages on my abdomen, and meds that make me sleepy and constipated. They also gave me a med for the constipation. Ha ha all things you don’t really need to know!

I’m sore, but not as sore as I was after gallbladder surgery. I think the racism in Saskatchewan kept me from getting appropriate pain management, because the pain I have felt this go around is WAY easier to bear. Like I didn’t wake up moaning from pain in the hospital, I woke up feeling quite pleasant actually, if super drugged. And it’s sort of continued since then, taking these meds appropriately and feeling a little weird but not fucked up. Even the bumpy drive home wasn’t so bad.

Although I am a little bit silly.

From the drugs I mean.

And sleepy.

Coughing kind of hurts tho!

I can’t take off the gauze for 48 hours (another 26 now I guess!) and then I can only shower for ten days until I take my steristrips off. Or they can fall off, whichever. It looks like he used my bellybutton, which is good because that’s where my gallbladder scar was.

Something funny about that scar is it’s big and pink and I remember looking at it once and thinking “I will never be in porn now, no one wants to look at a body that has been cut open at some point.” It was sad and funny, in particular because I never really ever considered a career in porn.