Ha ha. I had my pre-op appointment today at Sunnybrook so that I could find out about my surgery next week, get my abdomen prodded by the gynaecologist, and provide a blood sample for whatever they are curious about. It sounds like a straightforward surgery, it’s day surgery and hopefully I will only be there for about four and a half hours all together. Maybe six. I have to be at the hospital two hours before my surgery. And the anesthesiologist is going to call me and do a interview about stuff they have to know. I’m getting it done laparoscopically, so my recovery should be short. I can have sex ten days after my surgery! 😀 Exciting! Ha ha like that’s gonna happen. Just start up my OKC profile again while laying in bed with stitches in my guts.

I’m sure it will be fine. Worst case scenario is they find precancerous or cancerous cells and have to go back in and take out my uterus, fallopian tubes, and both ovaries, AND some kind of tissue. Like fat tissue or something? I don’t remember. But it’s unlikely that will happen.

The Dr. is going to try to save my ovary, and if he can’t I will still have the other ovary so I will still get hormones. Yay for hormones! 😀

It’s been acting up a bit, this cyst that is getting removed. It causes a sharp pain now and then, and I am terrified if the glorious chance to get fisted by a hottie ever came up, it would cause this thing to burst. So of course fisting is temporarily off the menu. But no one is looking at the menu anyway.

I get to sleep in tomorrow! 😀 I had to get up early yesterday and today.

Oh geez! I haven’t even talked about my trip to Montreal yet!

I spent the weekend in Montreal at my friend Robin’s from Friday to Monday! I talked on a roundtable at the conference (Angela Davis was apparently also at the conference but I didn’t see her!). And I went for poutine and a walk and a coffee with Irene and over to Shavonne’s where we visited and then walked to a queer karaoke night at Notre Dame de Quilles. But aside from those short outings, I was mostly visiting Robin and having long conversations with her and it was so great. We talked about serious things and funny things and spiritual things and shocking things and things we both got mad about (not mad at each other, just mutual outrage at other people!). The first day I got there Robin was wearing these AMAZING pyjamas! I wish I had gotten a picture of her, they were pretty spectacular!

And Robin and I gave each other lots of deep heartfelt happy hugs and it was SO NICE and I realized I haven’t had anything close to cuddles in a long time. Like yeah I hug all my friends hello and goodbye, but this was like, really sweet.

I haven’t seen Robin since 2013 or something. Maybe 2012?? A long ass time anyway. It was so nice being able to be around her. We have these long phone calls once a month or so, so we are pretty close. One funny thing is being my best friend obviously she is kept in the loop about all my crushes and exes over the years, so we were looking at some of them on Facebook and she was guessing their Myers Briggs type. I have to say I think she probably got them right, I was giving brief rundowns of their personalities and quirks so it wasn’t just based on profile pictures. Also basically they all seem to be ENFP’s.

But one important thing was, of course, my issues with Montreal because it’s where I had a traumatic hospital stay. I actually didn’t end up going to any of the places I had lived or been around. I was on Saint Laurent one night, but it was way out of the way of where I used to walk. Robin and I walked close to where we used to work on my way back to the bus going to Toronto, but that was all. It was nice to be in new places because I wasn’t triggered. And I think probably even if I did go to old places, they have changed a lot since then. So I felt a lot better about being there. And I think because I was so close to the few people I did see, it was really healing.

I think I want to go back. I don’t want to try and live there again still, but I think I should visit more, especially because seeing Robin was so good.

Well. I’m not exactly sure what to write, but obviously I have to address that Donald Trump won the fucking American election and his followers are terrorizing anyone who’s not a straight white cis man. But Jesus, I don’t really have a lot of great advice. To be honest, I didn’t think it would come to this. He is so clearly inept, cannot string together a coherent sentence, never held political office before, and has gone bankrupt multiple times. I’m poor and in a lot of student loan debt, but I’ve never gone bankrupt. No shame to those who have. But he’s done it multiple times. He doesn’t pay contractors. He built his base on racism, homophobia, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia. Hillary said his base was made up of deplorables and then the media shamed her and she had to walk it back, but it’s true! There are Donald Trump supporters on twitter gloating about how now they are going to sexually assault women because it’s okay!

So it’s been a real rollercoaster of emotions for everyone. In particular people who are not straight white cis males. I don’t have a lot of spoons for dealing with this. The morning after the election I managed to get to a talk I had to do at U of T, and aside from that I’ve really just been sitting around on my ass at home reading horrifying articles, posting snarky gifs, and avoiding life.

But today I kind of pulled myself together, went out into the world and got something to eat and some stuff for the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to Montreal for the NWSA conference where I am speaking about Indigenous feminist masculinities. I feel a little unprepared, I need to do some printing tonight. I’m gonna see my friend Robin tomorrow for the first time since 2012 or something, and she’s like, my best friend, so I am excited to see her. I’m gonna be there until Monday.

Little Mister has been getting ANOTHER round of antibiotics, because he still has a cough. He has good and bad days, but I think he’s going to stay alive while I am gone for the weekend, so I am not too worried. He has a dog sitter who used to be a veterinary assistant. Posey coughed once two days ago and never again, so I think she did get what he has and fought it off.

It’s really hot in here, I had the heater on but it wasn’t necessary. The weather has been odd in Toronto. It’s Remembrance Day tomorrow and still snow hasn’t fallen.

I’m trying to practice crush etiquette by pretending I am not super into this woman and it’s kind of ridiculous and I feel so phoney trying to be cool and ending up looking awkward and silly. Maybe I’ll meet someone else in Montreal who actually wants me to be awkward and ridiculous. Because this being cool thing is not working. Maybe (probably) she is just not into me and I should give up. AHHHHHHHH fuck I hate everything.

And then I was in a good mood today, and making jokes, and feeling kind of cool, but then I’m like “But Thirza, the world is going to hell and the deplorables have won and jesus even Leonard Cohen died today, you should feel AWFUL! Shame shame!” And I did feel awful, yesterday. But I feel better today. So I was all wondering “Am I going Manic? OMG! Am I going to start writing 30 emails a day again? Am I going to try and overthrow the American government or something in a psychosis?”

But you know, I think there’s a reason I’m in a good mood. I think it’s because the people appalled at the new President-Elect and what he has already done to the USA and the world are ANGRY, and in anger there is power. I really do feel like there is a rumbling momentum of the non-deplorables who could keep each other safer. Not SAFE, just, maybe we can look out for each other. Maybe we can unite and build alternate societies.

There was an attempted rape at the Oceti Sakowin Camp (Sioux pipeline protestors) and the leaders held a kind of trial and banished the perpetrator and walked him out of camp while yelling his name and what he did, and then handed him to the women who cut off his braids, and then sent him down the road where some officers were going to pick him up and deal with him. It was such a simple, elegant, traditional way of dealing with sexual assault. I actually found it really inspiring, taking justice into our own hands and not tolerating shit like that.

Can that kind of action happen elsewhere?

Mom has been staying with me since Oct 18th! It’s been fun, we did ImagineNATIVE which was SUPER intense, one day I saw four programs and she saw three. Altogether we watched about ten programs, including 3 or 4 shorts programs. Maybe just 3. There was some really good work this year.

Little Mister just had his last antibiotic. He hasn’t coughed in a while, which is good.

I was interviewed by Vice during ImagineNATIVE which was cool and it showed on their website and they might air it. Actually tonight I ran into the producer at Moonlight (which was an amazing film).

What else? My bureaucratic nightmare turned out fine. I’m looking for a dog sitter, is my only current stress, because I am going to a conference next month.

I have a big crush on someone and I was trying to ignore it but I think maybe it’s okay to just have a crush and whatever maybe something will develop and maybe not. I felt super awkward trying to communicate with her and even one time we were having an FB chat and it started out fine and then I really wanted to hit on her, BUT I GOT TERRIFIED and was like “Okay talk to you later!” even tho I didn’t have anything else to do at that moment. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I have to just cough up that I like them, because it’s the elephant in the chat window, I think she might know. But it’s this big feeling that is getting in the way because it’s just kind of the next thing I should say to her, even though it’s like, early days. I need to set the tone! AHHHHHH shit I am so bad at this.

Even tonight, the producer of Vice said something to me and I didn’t know if it was like “we should hang out” or just something like “nice seeing you here” because my hearing can be shitty when there is background noise (one of the reasons I don’t like going to loud bars) and so I don’t know if she wants to be friends or is just like “See you around.” And this encapsulates my whole terrible awkwardness even with making friends.

Then with crushes, the stakes get raised because potential lovers (for me anyway) involve an emotional investment and it’s scary and so I’m like, doing alright, then freak out and say “Okay talk to you later!” Ahhh shitty. Ha ha ha.

This used to be easier with alcohol, I hate to say it but it’s true. I haven’t had a lover while I’ve been sober, and it’s weird, and I have told women I like them, but nothing happens. And there was one moment a while back where I WOULD have normally just made a move, had I been drunk or tipsy. But now I am sober and not wanting to cross lines and swallowing back words and changing the subject. It’s very strange.

I guess I have to relearn how to be brave and ask women on ACTUAL dates, not just “hanging out.” I got rid of my OKC profile a couple months ago. I decided meeting women in real life was better. But I haven’t had an actual REAL date in a long time. Just hang outs that are usually platonic. And that’s fine too, but making out with someone would be nice. Forming an intimate bond would be nice.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now, because Mom is staying with me until Tuesday so it’s all Mom time until then. Tomorrow I work for five hours, and again on Monday, but that’s my only responsibility. I should go to bed. I’m letting myself be up late because it’s Friday night, but actually now my night meds are kicking in and sleep seems like a really good idea.

So I finally clued in that Little Mister, my long haired dachshund, wasn’t just randomly clearing his throat then gagging up nothing. He’s been coughing. And when I looked it up, it sounded a lot like kennel cough, which was confirmed when I took him to the vet today. They said he was contagious and made sure he wasn’t in the common area for very long. He’s got antibiotics. The funny thing is today he hasn’t coughed once. I don’t know if he just finally got over it, or if the antibiotics are working already. But he’s in high spirits, we went for a walk with Posey and he had a good time. I’m so glad I had the cash to take him in. Being dead broke with a sick dog is the worst.

It’s actually been a good day for my own health too. I faced my anxiety about a bureaucratic thing and made a phone call, and it wasn’t so bad. I had enough energy to clean the house, and not just a shallow clean but a SERIOUS thorough cleaning. Like wiping underneath things in the kitchen and throwing out and recycling and all kinds of stuff I haven’t had the spoons to manage. I swept the stairway finally! So much dirt! I cleared piles of things. I did the basic stuff too, like sweeping and washing floors. But it’s finally such a nice space to be in.

I just have a pile of laundry to sort and the basic bathroom cleaning left to do. And if I can clean the fridge out tomorrow too it would be perfection. I’m pretty happy about it. I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, because for so long I’ve only been at about a 6 out of 10 in energy levels. Now I would say I’m at a 8. BUT not manic energy, which would be anywhere from 11 – 20 and way too much. But then I realized it’s been about 5 weeks of upped antidepressant. And I kind of felt it was making a difference, but today really felt a lot better compared to five weeks ago. The anxiety is way more manageable and not so crippling, and although I don’t feel like a giant smiley face rolling down the street, I do feel more clear and content. And things are more enjoyable. Like I am super getting into my music again, which was kind of all blah and grey for a while there. Not making music, just listening to it.

I feel like I can let things go easier. Not like, serious things, like not paying bills or rent or shit like that that would just cause trouble. More like being slighted by people or having crushes that are just useless cause the other person isn’t into it or even just regular rejection that comes along with being an artist who has to submit to things or compete or whatever and not always “winning” or being selected. My FOMO is a lot less. I’m happy being alone with my animals at home. It’s pretty good. It’s not like I DON’T care either though, which is also a not great thing.

Anyway, Mom comes tomorrow to spend two weeks with me. It’s gonna be interesting to see how that goes. We’re doing ImagineNATIVE and then at the end of the month, the Art Fair, and in between some hanging out and eating cool stuff I guess. I think we might go to the Farm. Pupwalks. She’s bringing her beading so she’ll be doing that. I have a talk in a class to do next week and also a few shifts at the Edition Fair at the end of the month. But aside from that it’s hanging out with Mom and trying to squeeze in writing.

So I guess now that I have signed this co-development agreement to see if this production company and I can get funding for development on my feature, I can finally say it’s official and the ink is dry and the application to Telefilm is in and we’ll find out in 6-8 weeks if we get some development money. I really hope so. It’s an exciting project. It’s the first round of development if it works out so there’s an amazing story editor who I will get to work with to do another draft of my script. And it pays. Which will give me some breathing room to just concentrate on my work.

It’s all very exciting. I’ve been doing meetings and stuff for a while working on this, and I’ve been so shy about talking about it because I don’t want to jinx it. But I have a good feeling about it. There’s so much more about this I could talk about, but I like to keep a bit of mystery. Which probably sounds funny since this blog exists and I blab about lots on Facebook. But I’ve been trying to be quiet about this, but anyway if you were reading mentions of this exciting secret thing, this is it! I’m still amazed to be heading in this direction, because I’ve wanted to make a feature for SO LONG and it was just never working out or the right time or whatever. But I think this project has some legs. And I feel like the people I am working with are very professional and will be really helpful getting this off the ground.

So, if I was a drinking woman I guess I would have cracked open the champagne already, but I am not a drinker anymore, so I think I’m just going to go out to dinner with my mom next week and have a little celebration. Maybe go to Banjera, I like that restaurant but it’s pricey and far.

I’ve been getting some media requests about my video game, so that’s been fun. I sent some answers to questions to CBC the other day and talked to Vice the other day, we’ll see if they shoot the interview next week.

I’ve been alright otherwise. This whole last week was doing a lot of arts admin work, which isn’t super fun but also is pretty necessary. I’m hoping to get my last chunk of admin stuff done tonight so I can do some writing tomorrow and Monday. Tuesday Mom comes to stay with me for two weeks, so it’s gonna be a full little apartment. Two people and two dogs in one one bedroom! And next week is ImagineNATIVE, so I am gonna go to a lot of films with Mom and see people and talk about my video game. I’m excited.

This weekend is mostly about getting ready for Mom’s visit. I did all my dishes yesterday, but I gotta keep on top of them. The apartment is fairly clean because a friend came over yesterday, but I need to wash the floors.

OMG I also learned I am the worst at consoling someone. Someone I know had a break up recently and were sad that they were single again and without even thinking I’m all “Yeah being single is the worst.” OMFG so terrible! I can’t believe I even said that! But it does suck. BUT that’s just because I’ve been single for nearly a decade, even tho I had flings and things along the way. Like I kind of lost count of how many women I’ve been “hanging out” with over the years, even with sleepovers and kisses and sometimes sex stuff, but an actual RELATIONSHIP? No. No reason to change my Facebook status to “In a relationship.” Not even “It’s complicated.” In fact some of my secret sexy times have been with people who are super private so it just never was common knowledge. Which sucks. I would love to openly be like “I’m in love y’all!” but most of my falling in love just never worked out. And then there was all that crush recycling that was happening for a while. Which is a bad idea, I will admit.

Anyway, being single does suck. But it’s okay, I mean, just in that if someone really wants to be with me they should make an effort. I’m tired of making moves that go nowhere. And I don’t want to pursue someone who’s aloof and makes me feel like they don’t really care. Fuck that.

Ha ha this is supposed to be about my awesome career news but now I’m just blabbing about non-relationships. Enough of that. Being single is just a thing. I’m still having orgasms so whatever. Ha ha not that relationships are only about that. I know they are way more involved than sex. Someday! Ha ha ha.

I’m having surgery in a few weeks. It’s a little bit nervewracking. Mostly I’m sad that it’s gonna be hard for me to work for a little bit. I think it’s like, three weeks until everything heals usually. We’ll see. I do most of my work sitting at my computer though, so that’s not too bad.

So my video game is done! There’s just one thing I couldn’t figure out but after four hours of rewriting code over and over I was just like “FUCK IT!” and let it do this other thing which is also fine I guess. Also I want to continue working on it and making more levels, but that’s gonna wait until next year when/if I get my grant.

I’m proud of it I guess! It’s a first time game, it’s very simple, it’s sort of fun, I think it has a message. It’s going to be showing at ImagineNATIVE and again in November at Rendezvous With Madness. So that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to people interacting with it.

I have big plans for it if I can keep working on it!

I am sleepy. I got up at 10:30 this morning, which is early for me. I did some tidying and washed the floor. I have only a few dirty dishes but I might wash them because I’ve got a bad habit of leaving dishes until they are smelling up my kitchen.

I never really thought I would be one of those people who clean the whole apartment once a week. I used to be so much more of a slob. But it’s nice, this keeping clean thing. Before I only kept the house clean when I had girlfriends who came over cause a dirty apartment isn’t sexy. But now I just clean because it makes me happy. I guess the living in filth thing was also strongly tied to having concurrent disorders. So now that they aren’t controlling my life the way they used to, I’m able to be WAAAAAAAY more functional.

I want to keep cleaning. So I should probably just woman up and go do that. I like writing here though. My garbage and recycling got taken out today! And I actually got some shitty junk out from under the entertainment unit. That was awesome.

Oh geez I wonder where my degree is? Did I put it up somewhere? Fuck I should really get that framed and hung up, but I have no money for such extravagances. I didn’t frame my Emily Carr degree either because it was this shitty looking thing, and since then I think it got wrecked. I need to order another one. Maybe this one will be decent looking.

Okay, enough sitting around, back to work!

I have my computer back, and it is happier and faster than ever! It’s good because I’ve been getting work emails and sending back these pitiful messages saying “Is Friday okay because my laptop is in the shop?” Anyway, it’s OUT now and here and in my lap where it belongs. Of course the first thing I did was just go on Facebook, which actually wasn’t all that exciting. And also not graphics intensive which is what the laptop was having trouble with.

But I did open a few programs and test it out and it’s not going apeshit anymore. ALSO the repair place fixed the CD drive without charging me, which was so nice. In fact, they didn’t charge me at all, because Apple knows this is a problem with this model.

I found out about two possible things that will get me some money in the next couple of months. So that’s encouraging. I recently decided to try and live off of my art and being a general techy/video/film smartie/whatever. So that’s what I am doing. One thing might be a programming jury, and the other thing is showing my video game at a festival in November. So that’s very fun! I’m basically just trying to get the odd job and artist fee wherever I can. I’m going to be hearing about grants and funding early next year, so hopefully by then a small financial safety net will be catching me. I have a conference to go to in Montreal next month (which isn’t a paid gig), and I still need to write something and select what part of this video I want to show. I have to come up with a description for a possible new video on the theme of Art and Reconciliation for a possible commission next year. I still need to write a short script for a film I can apply to BravoFACT for which is more Industry/Commercial than my previous experimental stuff. AND I have this second 2 Spirit video to make to complete a Toronto Art Council grant I got. Finally a first draft of the script has been written. But it was written as a performance so now of course I have to make some changes. And then there is still some secret stuff going on that’s exciting but not official official yet.

So I’m busy, and not having my laptop made me feel very weird. I was on my phone all the time, but I couldn’t really do any serious work besides answering emails in short pitiful sentences. And of course this video game which is DUE SO SOON was on hold, basically, because I had nothing to make it with. God I even had to do an artist talk this past weekend ABOUT my video game without actually showing it except for the demo video because of this sad situation.

But enough about work. How am I?

The interesting thing about not having a laptop for a few days is that I started keeping a “sad handwritten book” also known as a diary, and it totally got me in touch with my emotions in a way that typing on here doesn’t. Like I totally started crying by the time I got to page four of this notebook. So that was interesting. I think I’m a lot more intellectual and detached when I type, even when I am typing about my own life or sad feelings I am having. And I felt a lot safer about talking of emotional things when it’s not on my laptop which could get hacked or lost or whatever. Even though this diary could also totally get lost.

The dogs are fine. I need to take them to the vet for their annual checkups, but that’s the only thing they need. They’ve got food and walkies and soft places to sleep. So they are happy.

My Mom is coming for a visit this month, so I have to keep the place clean. It will be a little stressy sharing a small space with her, but I think it will be okay, and I can always come to the living room and sleep on the couch.

Ahh hell I better go do some work. Anyway, that’s all for now.

So my laptop is at the Apple place getting a new logic board graphics card whatever. I am accepting the challenge of living without a laptop for the four days it will take to get it fixed. I don’t like it tho. I’ve been on my phone all day, and it’s getting boring. I like my phone but the screen is so small and mobile sites are not as functional as regular sites. I named this post this shitty post because I am writing it on my phone.

Life is okay otherwise. My financial situation is slightly improved, although I still need to bring some more money into this house. I’m set for October, but I need some cash in November and December, especially since I have surgery scheduled for the end of November. So it’s a bit stress.

Not to mention student loans took money straight out of my account last Friday, sending me into a panic. I had to borrow rent money from a friend.

So I called Student Loans today and their phone system is whack and hung up on me five times in a row before I conceded defeat and vowed to try again tomorrow.

I have a video game to finish. And my laptop is being fixed. I decided four days wasn’t bad, I can do some drawings and get them scanned when it comes home. But the final deadline is approaching and I gotta finish this thing. I’m usually good with deadlines, so I am pretty sure I can do it. But you know, it’s stress.

Anyway, there’s my shitty phone post.

Ugh. Yesterday was a day of HELL and I felt like shit and I was sad all day and part of it was because I had a bad dream about my sister dying, BUT ALSO I discovered my laptop started having problems, most likely with the graphics card (which unfortunately is soldered to the logic board, which means major repairs) and so I did all kinds of things trying to resolve my problem, BUT I KNEW it was the same thing that happened to me two years ago and I had to get it replaced then too. This is just a really bad model of Macbook Pro, a 2011 which has a known issue with that. Anyway, anytime I tried to open a graphics heavy application the whole thing would crash and restart over and over for a while. iMovie, Final Cut Pro X, even freakin’ Photos! I just had to do ONE thing yesterday, which I managed at the end of the day, and that was to get a working demo video of my game and test it on VLC. I downloaded the new version of VLC and it let me test, amazing. So it works and today I mailed it off and called Apple Care and they agreed I needed to bring my laptop in so I have an appointment on Sunday.

But god, I felt so sad yesterday I wanted to cry myself to sleep. I felt better today, because my grant is in, and I have an appointment to resolve this computer issue, and because my friends and I went to Bingo and I finally got to bring out my troll doll I got through Bunz!

Tomorrow I go to Guelph, for a talk at Ed Video. It should be okay, they are installing Unity on a computer for me to show my game. I hope I have time to test it. It’s not done yet. My friend Riki offered to let me use her laptop to finish my game, I just need to make three images and cobble together my game. Like, it is SO close to being done. If I get my grant it will continue on more levels.

So after 3pm tomorrow I should be free and clear of my duties! But my train doesn’t leave until 10pm so I’m gonna hang out and check out more of the symposium. I hope they have food! 😀

So yeah. I felt shitty this morning when I woke up. But I dunno, it shifted, and went away, and turned into an actually nice fun day.

I am actually writing this from my laptop, it works with only Chrome, iTunes, and the Calendar app. I don’t know why those are okay. I tested Unity today on it, and OF COURSE it went bananas and crashed. Because that’s one of the apps I NEED to finish my game, so OF COURSE it wouldn’t work. Ugh.

But on Sunday I will have a better picture of what will happen to my poor computer. I am hoping because there were a lot of appointments available that the apple repair place will be able to get to my laptop sooner than say, the Eaton Centre apple store. I don’t know how long it takes to replace a logic board/graphics card. Supposedly it should be a free repair because they extended free repairs on that issue until the end of this year. I think if money comes into my life, like a sizeable amount, I am going to buy a new laptop. It sucks, I wish this wasn’t such a shitty model.

Ugh I have decided to have a moratorium on crushes. Ha! Probably just until my next crush. No but really I think I need to focus on myself for a while. I have a shitload of career stuff I have to work on. Like a webseries and a video, besides this video game due in two weeks. Actually that doesn’t sound like so much stuff now that I think about it. I think finishing that script has reduced my workload substantially.

Oh no, I also have to write another script (short tho!) and do a Bravo Fact grant application for it. Okay, so I am still with a whole bunch on my plate. And if this secret thing goes through then there is a MAJOR project I am going to be working hard on for a while.

But I do feel like the end is in sight! Which won’t ever really come, because there will be more to do. There is always more to do. Even when I die there will probably still be unfinished projects on my laptop. Hopefully it’s a better laptop than this one.

Last night I had a super detailed dream about being entrusted with a friend’s snake, a small slim pure white snake. I don’t know what kind it was, it was cute though. My Mom was with me. We were handling it a lot because we didn’t have a tank or terrarium for it. It got really pissed off and started being bitey, so I was stopping it from biting my Mom and we were trying to find a cage it couldn’t slither out of. Finally I thought I could get it in a yogurt container if there was water in it and it slithered in. But the bottom of the container broke and it went down the drain. I got so upset because I didn’t want to be the person who failed my friend at caring for her pet. Then Mom noticed it in the cupboard. So I picked it up and then somehow found a big terrarium for it to live in for a while. Then for no reason, there was a rabbit, and opossom, and two rats in it’s terrarium with it. It was such a small snake I wasn’t worried about those animals getting eaten or killed, but I did worry about the snake. I woke up just as I was thinking I should get all those fuzzy animals out of there for it’s safety.

Today was a good day. I talked in a class at Ryerson, which involved thinking about my practice as I answered questions. I noticed two new things today. One stemmed from a question someone asked me about Alice skipping rope in Through The Looking Glass and I talked about how a lot of my early work touched on Girlhood until I made Helpless Maiden Makes an “I” Statement and got grumpy about being curated in Queer youth programs. But I do want to revisit that, the making work around the idea of Girlhood. I’m not even sure what that would look like, or how it would be different now that I am very much old (ha! late 30’s old). I mean, it’s not coming from current lived experience. BUT I do have lived experience as a tomboy kind of girl. Which is sort of interesting.

The other thing that came up today was talking about a line in Boi Oh Boi where I mention making bow and arrows as a kid and being into survival tactics and how that connects to being Butch/Two Spirit. There was a story I read a while back about how a tribe used to give children a choice between a bow and arrows or some objects commonly associated with women (a basket or sewing supplies or something) and depending on that choice is how that child would be gendered. I find that really interesting, that masculine of centre children are drawn to bow and arrows and that I was too when I was a little girl.

I remember one time (I wouldn’t do this now but it’s kind of funny and illustrative) my cousin Luke and I were kids and out in the country and we decided we were going to hunt this grouse that lived in the bush. So we got a knife from my Auntie and started following it. I honestly don’t know how we thought we could jump on and kill a grouse with our little bare hands and this kitchen knife. But that grouse was really crafty (I think it may have had babies actually just based on this) and lead us around and around in a circle until the sun was setting and we had to go back to the house. It just walked around beating it’s wings so we knew where it was, and went round and round. Round and round. We lost that knife by the way. Poor Auntie.

I also remember when Luke got the SAS Survival Manual. I bought a copy a while back actually, for a performance. I think it’s written for military people or something, but it’s like, how to build a shelter, identify venomous insects and animals, track animals, trap animals, tan hides, how to live in different climates, etc. We used to pour over that book, I remember the venomous spiders section was very popular, especially when he moved to Arizona with my other Auntie. There was a jumping spider in his living room once and we had to read up and see what it could be (it got squashed by the way, because poison!).

When I was a little girl I hung out with a lot of boys, until maybe Grade 2 or something when gender dynamics shifted and boys and girls had to play separately again. Although my boy cousins and I hung out for a long time. They took me to a lot of boy movies. I have probably mentioned this before, but one time my Auntie invited me to go with my cousins to Santa Bear Saves Christmas but when we got there we ended up at Indiana Jones or Star Trek or something. No Santa Bear for me! I wasn’t THAT put out by missing Santa Bear though I guess, because I do love Indiana Jones. Even though the colonial issues of his archaeological practice are problematic.

But when you are a kid in the 80’s hanging out with boys and the odd other tomboy, problematic isn’t a word that means anything.

Liking dudes romantically was something I half heartedly tried to fake when I got into my early teens. I think I bought a teeny bopper cute boys magazine just because my friends were into those at the time. But it didn’t take long for my boring boys taped to the wall to be replaced by a resplendent full poster of Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman! I didn’t even call myself a lesbian yet, BUT SHE WAS AWESOME! Such a baby kinkster. I couldn’t figure out why Catwoman was so exciting.

And then I hugged someone cute and not much older than me and OMFG breasts! And that was that. I had an identity.

But the tomboy thing was interesting to grow up with I guess. It’s basically how I still am. Still wear a lot of t shirts and jeans. Don’t hunt though, or even fake hunt. Ended up in a very male dominated profession. My boy cousins and I aren’t as close, because one has personal issues and the other one drives me crazy (but we get along, but he gets on my nerves). Still haven’t seen Santa Bear Saves Christmas.

I remember when I was just coming out I was really drawn to femmes, but it was confusing! Did I want to be them or fuck them? I didn’t know! I had a gender crisis, wore a lot of baby doll dresses cause it was the 90’s and then one day realized I could be involved with femmes AND be butch AND be desired! And then my first girlfriend was butch anyways so what do I know?

What’s a good end to this long post? I got into wearing men’s underwear a few years ago. Best decision of my life! They are so well made and comfortable. I don’t even own one dress anymore. Being Butch is what drew me towards having dachshunds because I wanted a masculine yet small dog. What’s more masculine than a wiener dog?