It’s weird, cause I don’t have an obvious non-white racial identity when viewed from 20 paces away. If you were right up in my face you would notice I have eye folds like Asians and some First Nations, and if you looked further you might notice I have a nose in the shape of most of my people (I honestly can’t describe it better than that). If you missed those you would at least notice the Native dolly on my left arm and the word CREE on my right knuckles. If you were accustomed to Native Canadian names you would recognize my last name is notoriously Cree.

And if you became my friend on Facebook it would become apparent that I post a lot about First Nations rights to land and water and life. And about Two Spirited people (which, sorry white folks, is only a term that applies to First Nations people). Anyway, no one tells me weird stuff like “Hey my cinnamon sister lez get it on” or some kind of shit like that. Or calls me a Buckskin Beauty. Or anything odd.

BUT I DO GET SOME WEIRD ATTENTION.

And I’m not sure how to talk about it, like “Ummmmm, I think you are fetishizing me and it’s really squicking me out can you not?” But it’s like white women who want to be part of the solution and I just don’t want to go to every demonstration they think I should care about because I don’t have enough spoons for demos these days. (See spoon theory for more explanation). Or like posting on my wall “Look at this horrible thing that is happening to your people omg that’s really sad you must be really sad about it.” Ok that last part has never literally happened. BUT SOMETIMES I feel like it does because it at least happens on my feed. Like sometimes people just get way too into posting about Native stuff and they are NOT Native and I’m kind of like “Really? WHY? WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?” Is this seduction through “I-understand-your-oppression-hi-how-are-ya?” There’s something kind of weird about it.

Which brings me to the question “BUT THIRZA how can I be an ally without weirding you out?”

Which is a very good question.

One is that if you are interested in dating someone and their race is how you are trying to get close to them. Stop. Just stop. Go do something else. My race, while a big part of my identity, is not all I am. I am also a struggling filmmaker. I am also a single owner of multiple dogs. I am a mental health consumer. I like going to movies, and not all of them are Native movies. I like BDSM. I like things that are nerdy too. I like sitting on my ass writing and drinking lattes and going for work dates where we write grants for things that might have nothing to do with me being Native.

But also if you AREN’T interested in dating someone and want to be an ally, here is my number one all time tip:

Don’t get into a thread war and tag your long suffering Native Facebook friend. Don’t post something on your page about something shitty happening to Natives and tag your Native friends and expect them to do battle with your ignorant friends.

Because I KNOW You have ignorant friends.

Don’t expect us to do all the work for you. Don’t expect us to educate you. And don’t expect us to enjoy having a feed filled with your good intentioned tragic Native stories commented on by your ignorant friends and family.

So I had this great idea a while back that I would actually start enjoying weekends. As in, not doing any creative work during them. Which IN THEORY is a great idea.

And it probably sounds weird as I am someone who does not have a JOB job, as in a traditional 9-5 Monday to Friday Christmas off if you are lucky JOB, but not working on my practice for THREE consecutive days was really weird. Because this past weekend was a long weekend.

So the first couple of days were so so. But the third day, Monday, was HORRIBLE! I got SO SAD and felt so unproductive and like I had no purpose and I wanted to cry for a while. But I didn’t register those feelings until late in the day when it was too late to just get back to writing or coding or drawing or whatever could have pulled me out of the depths.

I’ve actually had this low grade depression for a while. I realize I need to do something about it. My doctors and I have talked about it and never actually get around to changing my meds because I always end up saying “Oh it’s probably situational” because you know I lost both my Grandparents in the last two years, and did a really stressful year of school, and dealt with daily poverty and shit like that. SO I mean it kind of made sense, BUT ALSO this has been going on for two years and enough is enough, I want to feel better. I don’t want to have these breakthrough moments of feeling like garbage.

Anyway, I am seeing the doctors on Thursday and getting my Wellbutrin upped. I am hoping it kicks in soon. In the meantime I am using being creatively productive to try and stave off feeling shitty. I have some friends I can see this week too, so that’s fun.

I have to get a performance ready for next week. That’s a little nerve wracking. I’m hoping my least favourite person doesn’t show up for it!

What else? Ahhhh, tired of being bummed out. But overall okay. I mean, I manage to eat every day. I had a box of popsicles for a while, that was nice. So tired of this heat. Summer can fuck off already. I have no air conditioning, or a fan, and I think the heat is also starting to depress me.

HOWEVER I did get a new couch, and it’s not pleather! 😀 SO when I sit on it and I’m sweaty, I don’t get stuck to it.

I need to get back into Snapchatting. It’s a nice past time.

So today I finished working on a script I got a Canada Council grant to write for the past year, Skunk Cousins Christmas. It’s a comedy about a First Nations family struggling with addictions at Christmas.

So it’s done enough that I did my final report and it’s all sitting in an envelope waiting to go to the post office. But realistically to get it produced I’m going to have to do some more work on it. BUT it’s done for now and I can put it aside and come back to it later.

I’m really glad it’s done because now I can apply for another Canada Council grant. So I’m gonna try and make a short film that’s kind of dark and sad and dramatic, because I had an idea for a comedy but someone told me it would be better for me to get directors cred to do the feature I am working on now if I do a short drama, because the feature is a drama and pretty dark also. SO I have to write a script and a grant this next month, but a short one. I hope it works out!

Also Ontario Arts Council is due this fall. Ahhhh jeez I haven’t even checked the grant deadlines for that yet.

BUT this weekend I am NOT working on any of that, I am trying to finish up some older stuff, which is my video game. I’m going to be talking about it at Ed Video in Guelph on the 1st of October, and showing it at ImagineNATIVE in October also. So I really just want to wrap this thing up and give it to Dames Making Games so I can get paid. I still kind of think there will be more I will do on it, like, more scenes. But I have to concede temporary defeat because there’s really only SO MUCH I can do and this year I overloaded myself with work. Plus life happened. Like my Grandpa dying and stuff.

I’m looking forward to working on it though, because it’s something more tangible than a script. People can look at it and play with it and experience it, whereas a script just sits there until you produce it. Or rewrite it.

I also have a performance coming up in a couple of weeks in Prince Albert that I have to work on. Which I am going to use for my next 2 Spirit videos. Which I ALSO have to shoot this year and edit. I originally wanted to do them on the RED like my first 2 Spirit video, but I didn’t get a grant for it so I had to scale back, because I DID get one grant that was way less. Bummer.

I also have a ten part webseries I have to finish for a Sask Arts Board grant I got a long time ago. I applied for an award that might cover the costs of my actors next year. So I eventually have to do that because it is so overdue. Plus it would be fun.

So those are my arty obligations. They are fun though, really. I’ve been basically a full time artist for the past year and it has taught me a lot about myself and building discipline and making space to make work. This next year things get serious, because we are going for some development money to keep working on the screenplay I wrote as my thesis project at Ryerson. I got some script notes from someone at CFC who read it at the Female Eye Film Festival so I’m going to work with those and get it further along. If we do get the development money then there’s someone awesome who has agreed to work with me as a script editor. We should know before Christmas.

It’s different because it’s moving into more Industry stuff, which I have wanted to do for a long time, but it’s a whole other world and I’ve been like, a scrappy teenage punk dyke video artist at heart for my whole career. I hope it works for the best. My project can’t be done in a DIY crowdfunded way, it’s too big. And anyway, I’m tired of people telling me I should do things anyway even if I only have a budget of 100 dollars. Like, for shorts that is okay. But not this one. NOT THIS ONE! I don’t want to half ass it and also I feel like it’s kind of insulting to expect a woman who has been making films for 21 years to be content with 100 dollar budgets forever.

I’ve only ever been in hotel rooms with bed bugs twice before, and I never got bites. But then I found out 60% of the population doesn’t react to bed bugs, so I would never know. Because I stayed in the same room as my Mom and she got bit up a lot!

Anyway, I have to go on a search of my crevices and see if I can find any, because I was helpfully told today by a neighbour that she has bedbugs. I am a floor up and a unit over from her suite (I think) but that doesn’t matter because we share the stairwell walls and anyway, I gotta fix up my place with diatomaceous earth in case the little fuckers scatter when she sprays in there.

Oddly enough my Mom told me today that my other cousin’s stuff she had been keeping in the garage was FILLED with bedbug carcasses when my OTHER cousin went to check it out for some laundry to wash for him.

So neither of us has bed bugs yet, just the looming threat. (Her garage is not attached) I’m hoping I get paid tomorrow so I can go to the hardware store and buy this magic dirt that someone told me makes them explode.

Someone told me to vacuum a lot, but I don’t have a vacuum. So that’s out. I’m not buying a second hand one either. But maybe some artist fee will give me enough to finally buy a vacuum. Another person told me to get a cover for my mattress, which is also a REALLY good idea.

Ahhh geez but also it is still summer, and hot in Toronto, and my windows and back porch door are almost always open. So bed bugs could totally break in and fuck me up still. I mean, if they decided to go outside, move over, and come back in. I am just gonna do my best. I’m lucky I live somewhere that’s on top of it, because they promised to spray anyone’s unit that needs it.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m going to a Town Hall for Pride Toronto because I support Black Lives Matter Toronto and want to bear witness, and I really hope I don’t tear out my hair. The day after is bowling for someone’s birthday, and the day after THAT is a movie with my friend Juli from Berlin! I am trying to see if anyone wants to go with me to the CNE because I can get in free with an escort because I have a disability and am on social right now. Mostly I want to eat crappy midway food, but maybe some not horrible turning upside down rides could be fun too! NO ZIPPER! Gravitron, ferris wheel, The Scrambler and similar are all ok tho! I actually don’t know what rides are at the CNE, I’ve never been. I don’t want to be catapulted into the air either! Ha ha just no fun for anyone! AND ALSO that horrible thing with the swings that goes high in the air and turns, NO WAY!

Ha ha of course I would be willing to stand and stuff my face while watching my friends scream and puke from a distance. Everything is beautiful from a distance.

(PS for anyone worried the above image is faked)

So this website is still giving me issues. I may have fixed something tho, I don’t know if it will help. Maybe. It kept saying I had to update even though it was all updated, so I renamed the maintenance file maintenanceold and for whatever reason it worked. Thanks WordPress support.

So what is up with me? Well, my video game is a LOT more advanced and working as it should, I just might add some more assets and MAYBE another scene, besides the title beginning and end scenes I have to make. So I am thinking about it. I also need to do some thinking about music and sound effects, since I now know how to add them in Unity. So that’s kind of cool. I have until October, but the sooner I finish the better really.

I went to therapy today and ran through the rough list of things I had on my mind. Overall I think my progress in meeting personal goals is going well. I’m trying to stretch myself more emotionally though, for a few reasons. One is that I have noticed I keep my feelings pretty close to my chest, which isn’t very good for forming relationships or even friendships. So I am going to try and be more open about my feelings with friends. Another thing is I have not properly dealt with my grief around my Grandpa dying this spring, and also I think I probably stuffed deep down my feelings about my Grandma dying when I was doing my Masters in 2014. So I am going to try doing some simple things like writing letters as if they are being written to Grandpa, and lighting a candle at a certain time of the week and just thinking about them. I also think it is time for me to put up the pictures I have of them. I feel like I haven’t properly cried about it, and when the grief does hit me it’s at times when I am woefully unprepared or unable to deal with it. I know that’s just a thing that happens with grief, it goes on it’s own schedule. But if I could set aside at least some time to really think about them, it would help.

I hate that this laptop is so warm on a warm night when I want to cool down! FUCK!

There’s a case going on in Saskatchewan right now where a white settler farmer shot an Indigenous man who was in a car of other Indigenous people on the farmer’s property trying to get help for a flat tire. The man, Colten Boushie, was shot in the head and died despite not being any kind of a threat. It’s a very sad case, and there’s been a lot of racist hatred spewing out of people online in Saskatchewan. And for those of us who are Indigenous and live or lived in Saskatchewan, while it is shocking to see how cavalierly people advocate for our murders, it’s also not entirely surprising. It’s really getting me down, and being so far away I feel pretty helpless about the whole situation. As more facts trickle out, it gets sadder and sadder. I recently heard from someone who was at the rally in North Battleford and talked to his brother, that Colten was on a date with his girlfriend when he was murdered. The way the RCMP and the media tried to spin the story was that the Indigenous people were there to steal things, when it was a flat tire that made them seek help. In fact, a couple days later an article came out about a white settler farmer who was caught with stolen property from other farmers. So it was all misplaced hatred at an easy target, Native people. I hate it. I’m glad I left Saskatchewan but at the same time it’s where I grew up and I feel pretty angry that there were so few options for me to stay there and make a life. My reserve is in Saskatchewan, my traditional lands are in Southern Saskatchewan, even though people scorn the landscape, it’s something I feel a real connection to.

I can’t live in Saskatchewan for two big reasons, one is that there’s no film industry there anymore, and while some people think I’m gonna just make experimental shorts my whole life, that’s not actually my plan, as nice as experimental shorts are. And for another reason, the people who are doing the hiring are just as racist as any other Saskatchewan resident, which means there’s a big problem with my people not being employed even when we are trained and educated. My Mom couldn’t even get a full time teaching job with the University of Saskatchewan art department because people there were so racist. It’s not fair and that’s just the way it is. It’s gonna take some serious deprogramming for people to accept Indigenous workers.

I don’t really know if racist hiring practices are at work in Toronto too, but I haven’t gotten an interview, so who knows. At the same time, I am still trying to be a full time filmmaker and do my own projects, and I have a tentative plan for the next year to survive, it’s just very dependent on funding bodies. So nervewracking. I have an important meeting next week to talk about some things relating to a major project I have been working on, so I am hoping it goes amazingly.

Anyway, I really hope this website finally smartens up. Maybe that maintenance file was the last problem. Maybe things are resolved now.

I did some more work on this website, trying to get it to load faster. 12 seconds from New York apparently! Which isn’t GREAT but was a lot better than before. I deleted a couple of plug ins that weren’t being used. I may delete my Google Analytics plugin too because I don’t think I’m really utilizing it.

Either that or change my theme. I need to do more research on optimizing this website.

Berlin was great! Had an awesome time, hung out with some cool people, briefly considered moving there.

I dunno, I often have these flights of fancy of moving to Berlin, but I don’t think I could do it. My prescriptions are paid for here because I’m status, and health care is generally free, and my family is here. It’s just that Berlin is so queer and sexy. But also I would miss the NDN’s here, and feel awkward with the NDN fetishists in Germany.

I’m SO tired! My flight back was problematic, because I got stuck in Newark for a while, until the last plane out of there, and saw so many headlines about fucked up stuff Trump was saying and doing on the tv. And the computer systems at Customs crashed twice, for about 20 minutes each time. Imagine a line up of hundreds of people waiting and connecting flights hanging in the balance. My connecting flight got cancelled because a lot of us were stuck there. BUT THEN when I finally got on a standby flight later, they bumped me up to first class! It was amazing! It was only an hour long flight but we got meals! And two drinks! And hot wet towels for our hands! It kept me from crying because by the time I was in bed it was 24 hours since I had woken up in Berlin and started heading home.

Yesterday we got the dogs. They were happy babies. Posey is sleeping next to me right now, and Little Mister is on the floor. There’s a heatwave here, it’s awful. I spray them down from time to time to cool them off, but Posey thinks it’s some kind of cruel punishment so she runs away. She’s always been very suspicious. When I was trying to teach her to sit when she was a baby I would push down on her bum, and she got so weirded out she ran away and gave me a weirded out look like I was a pervert. Bum toucher!

Anyway, it’s the third night back from Berlin and I am still REALLY tired. I guess they call this jet lag! I normally am not so tired at this hour, I stay up a while longer, but I think I gotta sleep now.

Okay so I had better do the plug for my screening tomorrow at Xart Splitta:
I have a screening tomorrow (August 8th) at Xart Splitta here in Berlin, Hasenheide 73, 10967 Berlin, Germany. It will be at 7pm and I am doing a Q and A afterwards. I’m showing some of my favourite videos, so if you are in Berlin please come!

Okay and back to regular scheduled programming. Ha ha nothing about my life is scheduled.

I have been in Berlin! It’s been super fun! I spent time with old friends and led a workshop and saw some videos and met some new people. I had issues with internet at the last place I stayed but so far this place is pretty good. I’ve been very poor, so I am being careful with my money. I haven’t really bought anything like souvenirs or anything like that. But tomorrow I am trying to get some headphones, because the short in mine is just killing them. Only one earbud works now, and the mic and controls are GONE. So oh well.

I’m missing my doggy companions something terrible. They aren’t perfect but they are mine and they give me love and I miss their fuzzy faces! BUT I will see them on Thursday when we go to pick them up, so it’s not so far away. And Little Mister got a haircut from his sitter, so he looks cute apparently.

I am trying to get to the bottom of why this website is so slow. There were about 10 updates that needed to be done, so they HAVE been done and I hope that resolves the issue with this site not loading very fast. I apologize to my regular visitors if this site has been an asshole to you. No one deserves to visit an asshole website. Hopefully these updates have fixed the problem, but if not then at least know I am aware there is a problem and am working on it, although being in Berlin I only have internet access when I am chilling at this place.

Oh by the way, I got a ticket out here on United Airlines (through Air Canada) and they not only have overseas inflight internet, THEY ALSO take visa debit cards, which is SO convenient! Ha ha there’s my plug for United. Seriously though it was a good flight experience, and there was a lot of leg room in economy. It was so much better than American Airlines.

This trip has been mostly visiting old friends when I am not doing the arty festival stuff. It’s been really nice. Tomorrow I have some free time in the day so I am going to try and see a memorial for disabled people killed by the Nazi’s. It’s supposed to be very powerful, and accessible, and I don’t think it was here the last time I was here. Mentally and physically disabled people were some of the first people to be killed by the Nazis, but this was the last memorial that was built for victims.

I went to a park with my friend on my first day here and it turned out to be the drug marketplace, which neither of us knew, but everyone was trying to sell us drugs and it was very awkward and then when we sat down for a while someone came up to us looking to buy drugs. Kind of funny! Someone else told me they saw someone famous at an AA meeting here, so I might go to an AA meeting, but then if I see someone famous I can’t tell anyone because they are anonymous. The Anonymous Famous Alcoholic.

I used to have this babysitter who was going to AA, and she would totally go then come back and tell us AA gossip because she was just like that. OMG.

In other interesting virtual things that have happened to me, the voice of Siri is now following me on Instagram. Hopefully she likes my selfies and wiener dog pictures!

Wednesday I am going home! SO SOON! But there is still time to see some cool stuff, so that’s awesome. No romance has blossomed here but that’s okay because I wasn’t expecting anything.

I wrote a good ten pages today, and they were making me laugh (and this script is a comedy so that’s a good sign!). I had fun. I’ve been feeling super productive lately, and this means in 21 more pages I will have a full first draft done. Then I go to Berlin, get time away from it, do my Entzaubert workshop and my video screening, and then come back and do some more work on it and get it to Canada Council 1 month later than intended but still pretty on time and hopefully with enough time to apply for my next grant.

I have a Toronto Art Council grant due, but that’s still gonna be late. Maybe this fall I can do it!

It looks like this film business stuff is going into motion, but it’s a meeting away and there’s still some other hoops of funding to go through, BUT if something happens I will of course finally mention it here more openly.

OMG BUT there was some exciting personal stuff that happened where I told someone my feelings and it was actually really cool and friendly and I think it will bring us closer as friends although it’s not going to turn into like, a hot and heavy relationship. But it cleared the air and made me feel a lot better. Also I feel like emotionally I have some space in my heart again in case I meet someone available. PLUS now this person and I can work together and I don’t have this distractible thought in my head.

My video game needs more work, but when I come back I can go sit with these people who are running this program and they will help me with coding stuff, so that’s some happy news. I think once that gets figured out, this game is nearly done. I just need to do some graphics for the opening, the middle, and the end, when it says what is going on. It won’t be that hard I just need to link them up.

I’ve learned a lot this year, I have more skills with GIMP (because I can’t figure out pirating Photoshop anymore since they did Creative Cloud). Did I say pirating? I meant, um, gluestick-sticking paper together.

Also since the Female Eye Film Festival Script Development program, I got some script notes the other day on Evil Fire and she gave me really constructive criticism. And I may be working on that this Fall/Winter so it was very timely and gave me a lot to think about and try to problem solve.

Ahhh I have mostly talked about my career here!

The dogs and I found a ride for Sunday. So that’s when they go to the sitter. I’m gonna miss them so much, they are my buddies. They keep me from turning too inward, because I always have to attend their needs and sometimes they interrupt me for attention, which some people find annoying but I like. Little Mister is getting old. He doesn’t like walking as fast as Posey, and I have to figure out what to do because she pulls. I think I might have to just make her walk slower. But at their dog sitter this next week they will have a fenced yard, which is good because Posey loves to run, and she can’t run on her leash.

So really, even though I worried about it all summer (so far) my projects are on track and almost on time, and I just have a couple things I still have to figure out how to make room for. And while I have been very poor, I also was able to work on my stuff almost full time this last year and eeked by. And it looks like if the stars align I will be getting paid for being a writer/artist/filmmaker this next couple of seasons (IF stars align!). I have OAC and CC grants to apply for this fall, and BravoFACT might have another deadline. Also I will find out about that Indigenous Art Award in the next year, which could be $10,000 that I can spend however I like because it’s not tied to a project. I was thinking of getting braces or a retainer. When else am I gonna have that kind of cash? Oh and probably go on vacation somewhere.

Or I could just stay poor. BUT you never know!