Ha ha, awww a friend is helping me with my website, so if you got a 404 notice when you were visiting last night that’s why! They have been adding some super useful tools for me, like letting me moderate comments before they go live, and adjusting settings to avoid things like those awful TERF’s the other day. So I thank them! With any luck nothing will go sideways on this page!

In fact, I haven’t even been paying attention to site visitors until the 21st when I finally installed the visitor map/meter thing. There seem to be a lot of you, which is encouraging.

It’s Good Friday! I am doing nothing today except washing the dishes, baking a pie, and redoing my academic cv so that I am more appealing as a potential instructor. There’s a job I want to apply to and the deadline is Monday, so I figure if I do my CV today and the cover letter all weekend, I will have something decent!

Also today my film Sight is screening in Los Angeles at the Los Angeles International Women’s Film Festival. 2 Pm! Regal Cinema!

Ha ha by the time I finally hit publish on this page the screening will be over.

Things are good. The dogs are having a good time right now. It’s a crappy day weather wise tho. I’ve been playing Neko Atsume a lot. I just remodelled to sugarland or something like that but now I regret it!

I’m glad Little Mister and Posey turned out to be friends. I was worried when she was a puppy, he was kind of crabby old man get off my lawn mean to her! And he bit her ear!

Newsflash: I pay for this website. I actually own this domain name. I built this website. While it is a WordPress powered website it is a stand alone website. I see your ip addresses and email addresses when you leave comments. I am not required to allow you a space for transphobic hate and vitriol on my own webpage. If you really want to express yourself, buy a domain name and run your own hateful little blog somewhere in some greasy corner of the internet. I don’t have to listen to you tell me who and what I am, especially not you TERFy colonialist white women who don’t understand First Nation Gender variance.

This is notice that I don’t feel the least bit of guilt deleting hateful comments. This is a transfriendly place for me to express myself and if you don’t like what I write you are free to fuck off to another webpage.

I like talking about myself online because otherwise I would talk about everyone else and I would lose all my friends.

Seriously.

No, but seriously I’ve talked before here about how I basically reveal all these personal things online and part of that is just my blogging practice and it bleeds into other more sociable media than me just standing here on my soapbox in this corner of the internet. So like, my instagram, although usually pretty tame, is also just overshare of things I see or do on a daily basis.

But I’m not like, showing off my personal lubrication or just used sex toys or anything wild.

BUT OH MY GOD this last week I took a topless selfie that was really just my head and shoulders and FUCK so many irritating dudes are like, sending me message requests. Where do these losers come from? What makes them think my bare shoulders is an invitation to people I don’t even know??? OH MY GOD! And anyway, I had some saucy hashtags that went with my selfie but I took them all off when all these thirsty cis-het losers showed up AND THEY ARE STILL SHOWING UP!

So UGH I’m debating with myself if I should make my instagram private. And I’m just continuing with regular programming. Today I took pics of a dirty bathtub from washing Little Mister, and my Grandma’s old anglican church lady cook book. And I’m hoping that is non-sexy enough for these loserdudes to stop trying to message me.

AND the most annoying thing is I wish I could just make a post that’s like “Dudes I’m a lesbian go away it’s never gonna happen” but cis-het men are so GROSS that that would encourage them! OMG! Like honestly, I could post a picture of a literal shit in my toilet and they would still be all excited.

And none of you readers better message me saying I like it cause that is fucking sexist and gross and disgusting.

I wish I could put a filter on my instagram where only queer women would see certain posts. Cause someone did like that picture whose like I appreciated and it wasn’t any of the dudelosers who are sending me message requests.

Lez put it this way, if you are not already mutual followers with me on instagram don’t even bother contacting me. That is the basic number one rule.

EXCEPT if it is about a pic of one of my dogs and you run an instagram for your dog. That is ok. That is mutually satisfying dog-owners-of-instagram fellowship. We can share pics back and forth of our dogs all day.

So I was advised to hide my photos because employers troll through the internet looking for what their workers are doing, or people they may hire. And yes, that is a problem. But you know what? I’ve also been making queer video for twenty years so I have about ten pages or more of google results and if someone really wants to do some digging there is more interesting stuff than my shoulders. PLUS this website is the first result because the url is my actual name.

Maybe I should go by a different name for employers. Anyone want to help me come up with a neutral work name?

I’m leaning towards Agnes Lennan or Eleanor Dunnett.

Ha ha it’s not just a day, it’s a life!

Seriously tho, for a long time I have identified as being very gender fluid and moving back and forth between male and female and it is confusing sometimes. And as a Two Spirit person, I’ve been able to feel myself part of a label that fits because Two Spirit is so all-encompassing. BUT this male/female thing I’ve got going on is getting more prominent because I really don’t feel I can claim one side or the other entirely, solely. I mean, I can’t pick a side, I like both too much. So I am starting to id more as Bigender. Which also explains why I’ve dated so many bisexual women. And it’s making me question AGAIN if I am allowed to id as Lesbian. Because Lesbian really does seem to fit me sometimes. At least half the time! I’m only ever into women romantically.

But here is where it gets tricky. What does it mean if someone is attracted to the male parts of me? I mean, obviously this is all complicated by the fact that I have a VERY female body, and I’m not inclined to go for hormones or surgery to change it. HOWEVER that is kind of a lie because I did get an ablation, and while part of the reason was because I had such massive bleeding when I had periods that I was constantly anemic and had awful cramping, another part was possibly some gender dysphoria. Either way, I do not regret getting rid of my period. It’s given me a kind of freedom and relief to not have it anymore.

But back to this confusing sexuality thing. What does it mean for someone to fall in love with someone who is bigender? Especially if that person has identified as someone with a monosexuality? I know monosexual is a loaded term (and often used against Lesbians) but for the purposes of this question I am wondering if someone is allowed to keep their Straight or Lesbian card and still date a Bigendered individual?

Honestly though I guess it comes down to the person who has fallen in love or lust or whatever to decide. I actually don’t mind dating someone who doesn’t id as bisexual. I don’t feel like it’s a slight against my strange gender(s). I can see how other people might see it differently though.

I found my packer the other day. I’m wondering if I should wear it out. Dick on the town! But also I don’t have a good way of securing it and it has been known to fall down my pant leg. Also it’s kind of a size queen packer, and I actually wish it was smaller and more realistic. Also I have been doing my nail polish again these last few months. It’s been nice! I don’t regard it as being particularly a male OR female expression though. I think more dudes should rock nail polish.

I’ve been wearing more pink the last few years. Right now my hair is pink and turquoise. There’s been some push back against androgynous people having to be masculine (esp. AFAB people). I relate to that. I’m kind of liking these little feminine traits I have developed the last few years like carrying a purse and wearing pink and nail polish and having super girly bras. I like mixing them in with doc martens and boy leather jacket and other more masculine presentations.

But the whole sexuality thing follows, if I am a Lesbian half the time when I feel like a woman who loves women, then obviously the inverse is true and sometimes I am a Straight Man when I am a man who loves women. And accepting my inner straight man is really fucking hard, I think because cis-het men can be so odious! And it’s just based on life experience being a female presenting person that I understand how crappy cis-het men can be. And I don’t want to be one of those men when I am clocking Straight Man hours in my regular day.

Which is ALSO funny because obviously I am not ever going to be a cis-het man.

So I guess it’s a crisis in my masculinity, how can I be male and also not an asshole? And how does this work when some/most of the time I am a woman anyway? And do I get to keep my Lesbian card?

Those are the questions on my mind this Gender Fucky Day.

By the way I still use She/Her/Hers pronouns in case you are curious. But They/Them/Theirs is also acceptable.

I have a tumblr, but I barely post anything on there that is actually originally mine. Anyway, I saw this great post there a while back about how self care isn’t like, sitting in your filth watching anime and eating four pounds of chocolate (tailor this to your interests!) but is actually doing REAL things like cleaning your apartment, doing the masses of dishes, calling your doctor, etc. And it’s really true.

So I’ve been doing self care things. I picked up trash (mostly turtles wrappers and chewed up kleenexes), swept and washed the floors, and did the dishes today. Tomorrow I’m going to take out my garbage. I’ve got an appointment with my doctor at the end of the month. I’m still working towards acquiring a job, which means cover letters and constantly tailoring my resume. I’m taking iron again, because I quit for two and a half months when I didn’t have refills anymore and I am suspicious it finally caught up to me in the sads.

I also mailed in my tax return, took documents to welfare, and dropped off my subsidy application.

I’m looking forward to summer. I want to grow things on my sun porch. I’m going to buy a Mexican strawberry pot and plant things in it. Possibly strawberries although I was also thinking herbs. I want to have a hanging basket of flowers. They are such little things but they would make me feel happy.

I heard Stats Canada was calling my references, so that’s encouraging!

Someone told me about a teaching job that I am going to apply for. I know the subject really well, my only trouble is not having teaching experience in an academic setting.

I have a secret! But everyone close to me knows about it. But I can’t talk about it online! Unless something radical happens with it. Secrets of the heart!

The dogs are doing well. Posey was chilly today so I had her wearing her sweater like a nerd. I tried to have a nap this afternoon but I couldn’t.

I helped my friend Emmy shoot a video today! And she paid me with an HD flip video camera! It’s just this cute little video camera and it imports super easy into a computer. So that’s handy! I may have cleaned the house just so I can make a video of my dogs.

I need to write a letter to my Grandpa. He’s deaf, and recently he has also lost his passwords to his email and facebook. So there aren’t a lot of easy ways to get a hold of him.

I’m sleepy! And it’s late! I should go to sleep!

My welfare is supposed to come today. I wonder when?? I need to buy groceries, and contact lens solution, and dog food!

I have a hellacious amount of paper work that I am now nearly done in order to keep existing in this capitalist system. For one, I have finally FINALLY finished my taxes! And I came out not owing very much money. I mean, one decent paycheque and I could pay it off. It’s a lot more manageable than my first few goes at my taxes for last year. ALSO Because I have finished my taxes, I can now finish my rental subsidy application. AND Because I have finally applied for Ontario Works (sigh!) I can also add that to my rental subsidy application as my current income, since I have nothing else, no job, at the moment.

Also I printed out a bunch of things I needed for my Ontario Works application, my bank statements and proof I am not on Student Loans anymore (I am really so annoyed they even need proof considering it was finished at the end of August). And I have one last thing to print, my life insurance policy. The annoying thing is that I am not the policy holder. I shouldn’t have even said anything to Welfare since I actually do not have the power to cash it in, it’s my Mom’s business. But they are being real assholes about it so I have to get that in too.

I feel more positive about life today. Yesterday was so depressing. But I did get a bunch of Turtles (the chocolates) in exchange for a toilet brush and it really upped my mood today. Dealing with all this paperwork helped too.

So really, the only thing left to do is get some PDF’s from London Life emailed to me on Monday. And mail away my taxes. And drop off my rental subsidy application on Tuesday.

Next week I am getting free contact lenses! 😀 Hurrah for Bunz!

Also next week Mom will be home again and I can call her more often like usual. Which will be good because I think part of my distress this last week has been dealing with things where I can’t just call her and talk about them like I usually do throughout the day. Also just because I have bipolar and things have been shitty and I guess I was due for a mild (HA!) depression for a little bit. I really try to be positive but honestly sometimes life is just shitty.

I had a couple crappy days in a row. I don’t even know why, negative things kind of dog piled on me and I got really irritated and depressed temporarily. Yesterday I had a couple of festival rejections that just pissed me off, and normally I don’t care, and I don’t even think either of them would have seriously advanced my career. But they pissed me off anyway.

And then I was trying to shake off my intense crabbiness today, but then I got THE WORST welfare intake worker I have EVER had. Like she practically accused me of still getting student loans AND disability from Saskatchewan all at the same time right up until now and was really aggressive about things and told me I would have to move because they only give 375 a month for rent. OK lady, where in Toronto can anyone pay 375 a month for rent? Like, in a shed in someone’s backyard rooming with some raccoons? Also it would cost me 500 to move all my stuff AND not to mention first and last months rent. Man, SHE WAS THE WORST! And at certain points I just wanted to be like “That’s none of your business!” ha ha. Awww man and she didn’t even take notes well, she was writing all this stuff down on a teeny tiny post it note. SERIOUSLY! And really I am just signing up because I have no money until I get a job. Whenever that is. But I don’t want to be on welfare, it’s the worst. The only good thing is she’s just an intake worker and not my actual caseworker who I hope is not also an asshole. ALSO she is demanding a letter from my life insurance provider saying how much the cash value is of my policy. So annoying. She’s the worst, where do they find these people?

But I know it’s not her, she’s THE SYSTEM! The system sucks. And they’re gonna monitor my bank account as long as I am on welfare which also sucks. What nosey systems. Which is why I really want this to be max a two month situation. I couldn’t stand it longer than that.

So that bummed me out today. As if applying for welfare isn’t a bummer enough as it is.

But then I got to see my friends Riki and Shavonne today and we went to the farm and saw some pigs and goats and various other animals. And we had barbecue at Riki’s. And then I came home to some happy pups. Who WEREN’T barking when I came into the courtyard, so they got extra tummy rubs for being good pups. And tomorrow I go to see my psychotherapist. So that’s nice. And I’m trading a toilet brush for a chocolate bar (its brand new and I have two others). And my dog Posey is super farty right now. WHEW!

Mostly though I am looking forward to life improving. I want to grow a fuchsia in my sun porch this summer. I like fuchsias. I want to kiss someone this summer. I want to take the pups to a beach this summer. I sometimes get confused what season I am in and if winter is coming or going, but even though we had such a mild winter I am still ready for a definite summer to come along. I want A JOB this summer! Something that gives me a decent income.

Anyway, Spring is just starting, so there’s still a ways to go. And my birthday is next month. With any luck I will be working on my birthday.

As frivolous as it may sound I might take Little Mister to the groomer when I get paid. He’s getting shaggy. He needs a trim. He’s peeing on his tummy fur.

Well, I took the Census test. I think I did well. We will see! I’ve also applied for other jobs, some of which are more appealing than others. I applied for one today that would be totally awesome. I found out this job I had been told about got filled by someone who was already working for that place, SO it never got posted and I never officially got to apply! BUMMER! But it’s ok. Someone made me feel better about it so that was nice.

I have gotten more serious about my writing again. I’m SO CLOSE to being 1/3rd done my first draft of my script. I’ve been averaging 7-8 pages a day the last couple of days so it’s speeding along. And I am having fun with it. There’s more humour in it now than in the outline, which is good because it’s meant to be a comedy. I have a lot of stuff to write, there’s still the second draft of my ten webisodes for the Mars project, AND I have to finish up two short five minute scripts for my 2 Spirit Infomercials. But I’m able to squeeze writing into my daily life in a way I think I might be able to sustain when I have a full time job. So I feel good about all these tasks I have to finish for my career.

I finished Transparent, SO GOOD! Caught up again on How To Get Away With Murder, OMG! And just started Broad City right from Season One Episode One and it’s super funny so I’m gonna keep watching.

I have a friend who was awol from the internet and telephone contact for like, months. And at first I’m like “Oh yeah, she must be busy.” And then I started getting concerned! And then I’m like “Oh my god, is she in a pit in someone’s basement rubbing lotion on her skin???” So I used EVERY method of contacting her that I had, and after a few days of still nothing I was wondering if I should get my friend Shavonne who lives in the same city to swing by her place and knock on the door. BUT THEN she got back to me! And we’ve had a TWO HOUR phone call catching up on everything AND discussing in detail The Duke Of Burgundy, The Revenant, and Anomalisa. Mostly the Duke of Burgundy tho. AND ALSO shared some lengthy emails back and forth after that continuing to talk about crushes and tv shows and stuff. So it’s been really nice! I’m glad she still exists and that we can communicate again!

OH I’ve been telling everyone about BUNZ Trading Zone, because I finally did my first Bunz trade. I traded two transit tokens for a big Troll doll, a troll keychain, and a troll pencil topper! Finally I can go to Bingo! I bought a bingo scratch and win just on the off chance it would make me lucky, but I lost so I am going back to my scratchy-sobriety. I only let myself buy 649 and Lotto Max tickets now. Gambling harm reduction. Bunz is like, a big bartering group on Facebook for people in Toronto. I’ve belonged to it for a while but this was my first trade on it. So yay! Not a Bunz virgin anymore!

I was working on my taxes and it was very Up and Down. I seem to be owing money this year. Like, 2000 dollars. Maybe a little more. But my friend Irene pointed out with how much I made I would actually be owing almost twice as much if it wasn’t for all my deductions. So I feel better about it. And I know money will come my way again. It’s not so bad.

I need to get my taxes done soon for this subsidy I could get for my apartment. I wish I had a more reliable income. I don’t even want to talk about my money situation because someone (Werner Herzog?) said “Despair should be kept private and brief.”

So my financial despair will be kept as private as I can!

I don’t want to talk about the crappy things that aren’t going my way. Like finding (or not finding) a dumbass job. OK in case a potential employer googles me and finds this, I KNOW jobs aren’t dumbass and I could be a really good worker given the chance. I just think jobs that are elusive are dumbass because they are elusive. It’s simple broke bitterness I tells ya!

Although I have gotten some further questions from someone who wants me to apply for a really sweet short term job in the near future. So I am not hopeless just yet!

But seriously, I have been watching a lot of television dramas. I finally got caught up with How To Get Away With Murder, and I am half way through the second season of Transparent. A friend is sharing her Shomi account with me so I am finally checking it out and seeing if my family would be interested in investing in a new streaming service. Steven, Mom, and I still share a Netflix account, and now we have started to include Deanna, my other cousin. We are getting our money’s worth I think! But basically Transparent is not on Netflix and it is on Shomi which is the main reason I am checking it out. Also I have heard good things about Jane the Virgin.

++++++++++++++++++ THE NEXT DAY +++++++++++++++++

Sometimes I start a blog post and then I get all sleepy and go to bed like humans are known to do. Which is what happened yesterday.

Anyway, today I went to Timmies to get a roll up the rim cup because it’s a mild gambling thing and you for sure get a coffee. Walking back home I was listening to tunes on my iPhone and I got a call from a 416 number. It was the government calling me about my application to work for the Census! So I answered a bunch of questions and basically I have a test on Friday at 2pm. It’s actually for one of the full time positions. I was kind of flabbergasted to get my first call back about a job, so I feel like I have more questions for them. And it’s only a temporary job, BUT they were interested in possibly hiring me in a supervisory position. Which would be really awesome!

The funny thing is this would be the same time as another job which is going to be posted soon, so I would be working two jobs (but one has way shorter hours and responsibilities and would be a shorter amount of time). BUT ALSO I would make a pretty decent amount of money in a short time which I could live on for the rest of the summer and I dunno, somehow I think I could do it!

It has to be said tho, I don’t OFFICIALLY have any of these jobs yet. But what if I did! It would be really nice to be recognized as someone who could be a good worker. I haven’t had a full time job in a long time, I did do full time University though last year. Which I somehow survived. OH MANS!

I’m not exactly sure when this Census job starts though, it might be a couple months off still. I know for sure the Census starts in May. I don’t know if they train us before then. I looked at the sample test on their website and I got all the answers right, so I feel positive about my chances.

My psychic said I would be in a position where there are two jobs I interview for and one is my dream job and the other one is just a good job that I get an offer for (and both are contract gigs) and I have to decide if I am going to hold off until I hear back from the dream job. So we’ll see.

OH YEAH! My psychic reading was awesome. I heard some very encouraging things about my future love life and things that might be going on now with someone she really liked. I found out I would be financially stable in the not too distant future but it’s going to be a few weeks before I get call backs (but mind you the reading was a few weeks ago and a call back has already happened!). I found out I am gonna have two kids with a partner! One is a five year old boy with light brown hair with copper in it and he’s an interesting kid, and then someone comes after. She didn’t see the little boy as a baby though, so she thinks he shows up in my life as a five year old. And the partner and I are really good together, she saw maybe a few relationships before then. And I only have one dog when I get my kids, so I guess it’s after Little Mister’s era. He will be eleventy in May, so hopefully he’s around at least four more years! I hope so!

OH! And I asked about doing a PhD, and she said something really sensible which is that it would postpone my creative projects. And considering how long a PhD takes, I kind of lean towards not wanting to postpone everything for that long. So it was a good viewpoint to see.

My Student Loans are up for repayment on March 1st. I have a repayment assistance application in, so hopefully I get some interest taken off for a while. I still don’t want to let them go into default just IN CASE I change my mind about higher education someday. Because you never know.

Oh yeah, anyway I was all happy about this job call back, but I didn’t win on roll up the rim. Which is okay really, because at least I have gotten a free coffee and a free donut this year.

So grant money is running low and I gotta spend some still on renting equipment for my shoots in April. And rent money is coming out soon! Scary shit man! Money is in need indeed!

So I’ve been cruising the want ads, sending in resumes and cover letters and references and I have lost track of how many jobs I have applied to. At least six, if not more. Probably more than that. OMG I just checked that’s all I have applied for! NO WAIT! I think I applied for seven. OK no it was nine actually. I know I know, I should spread my net wider. I’m trying for jobs I would be good at. Today I applied for my dream job! Which I am not gonna tell you anything about!

Artist fees are supposed to come this month, that’s something to look forward to!

Little Mister is doing awesome, he’s a happy guy. Posey is likewise also doing awesome. She’s being adorbs. My bratty dog-children!

I don’t want to get pooh poohed for this (but really who reads this anyway?) But I am getting a reading from my favourite psychic Barb Mather soon! LIKE, in a week! 😀 That’s a smiley face cause I am excited! I’m paying for it with the refund I got from my Nina Hagen tickets which got cancelled. I think it’s appropriate! It’s been four years since the last one. I want to know about my career, love, if I am gonna go back to school AGAIN, and if I am gonna have kids or not. I always get these readings when I am at a real crossroads in my life.

There’s a big opportunity I am applying for this spring too. I’m nervous, cause I only get one chance. But my script is as ready as it’s ever gonna be and I want to see if I can get some help. SOOOO I will let you know if I fail or get a great opportunity.

I’ve been breaking even on the ratio of rejections to interest in my newest video. Surprisingly I have actually been approached to screen it more than I have in the past. I’m also fast discovering that international interest isn’t really there in countries that don’t have Indigenous populations. They just don’t get/care about 2 Spirit issues. SO I am redirecting my submissions to North American queer festivals and Native festivals. I know where I’m not wanted! Ha ha ha.

I’m sure I have some more rejections coming down the pipe!

I am supremely enjoying my apartment. I love it more every day. I think in the spring I’m gonna try and spend more time on my sun porch. I finally put my rug down. I’m hoping it works to reduce noise for the downstairs tenant.

I think I am ready to have a full time job. I’ve been building up to it. I did full time school. And I graduated! So surely I can do a job again. I was getting disability back in Saskatoon, but also I was dealing with a lot of health concerns back then. And I’ve been good for a long time now.

My dream jobs I’ve been applying for are contract jobs. I’m mostly concerned with getting some good skills and references and to see that I can do a good job. Maybe they will hire me permanently if I do well. We’ll see.

Anyway, everyday I write, look for work, and watch tv. I’ve gotten hardcore into How To Get Away With Murder. I haven’t been obsessed with a tv show in a long time, so it’s fun.