So I didn’t want to write another post until Little Mister and I went to the vet. This afternoon we got on a streetcar and went to our vet. She loves Little Mister but he hides his snout in my armpit and looks away a lot hoping she will forget about him. Anyway, she gave him a good looking over and a rabies shot and then she checked out his lump. She said it sounds and feels like a lipoma, which is a fatty tumour. Basically a blob of fat under his skin. She didn’t think it was anything to worry about, she measured it for his file so we can keep an eye on it in case things change.
She could have done a needle aspirate on it to be sure, but I felt confident in her diagnosis and asked her if there are things I should keep an eye out for. She says if he starts to scratch or nibble at it, if it bothers him, if it hardens, or loses fur on it, or grows rapidly, then we can worry about it. OH or if it get scabby. So it’s really fine. She said a lot of dogs get them and they generally never go away without surgery, but if it’s not bothering him not to worry about it. They are benign.

SO I AM GLAD! Whew! Little Mister wagged his tail all the way down the hall when we left the vet’s office. He was happy to go home. Right now he is sleeping next to me. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about him anymore. I mean, not more than usual concerns for his daily health and wellbeing.

Posey was very sad to be left behind. I need to take her on a long walk tomorrow.

I found out today that 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 is screening in Auckland, New Zealand in February! So cool! I hope they enjoy it!

This evening I went over to my friend Riki’s and we watched the X Files and ate Chicken Noodle soup! Her dog Grady is adorable. He was standing around grumbling and she knows what he is grumbling about. Like one time he was grumbling cause he wanted to go to bed, another time he was grumbling for chips.

We watched the beginning of The Danish Girl. I wasn’t very into it. I am probably biased though from reading so many bad reviews from transwomen.

I came home and Little Mister gave me lots of kisses, then I watched La Loche news on CBC, then I noticed he was asleep on my purse so I took us all to bed.

I guess I should mention La Loche. For those not in the know, there was a school shooting there last Friday. It was in the High School building, but the elementary school building was put on lockdown when it happened. My nephew goes to the elementary school but had been sent home because he acted out at school. Anyway, I’ve basically been watching CBC News non-stop since then. Mom and Steven (Kristjan’s Dad) have been super worried and tomorrow they are finally driving up to pick him up and bring him to Saskatoon until his school opens again.

All the news reports have terrible things to say about the state of La Loche even before the shooting. It sounds pretty bleak. Today I heard the boy who was the shooter was being bullied. I remember being bullied in a small town. It’s pretty brutal. I felt like I had very few options. And none of my teachers cared.

Anyway, it’s been a few wild days. But today was a good day, because Little Mister is gonna be ok. And he’s such a sweet and special guy, I’m glad I’m gonna have him a while longer!

I got paid again! Just in time too, because I’m currently paranoid about a lump on Little Mister which seems to be getting bigger. I googled “Fatty tumours dogs” and “How much does it cost to remove a tumour on a dog” and suffice it to say I am nervous as all hell and calling the vet tomorrow as soon as I wake up.

Of course I ALSO happen to have a doctor’s appointment for myself tomorrow, and since she is only giving me 2 months of prescriptions at a time I am running out of some stuff, like my CRUCIAL epival (mood stabilizer that works better for me than lithium), and need to go see her. ALSO I have to pay my deposit for my new glasses by the end of the week. So probably when I call the vet they will want him to come in tomorrow, because not only does he need a rabies shot and his general check up, lumps need to be checked out. Lump. He only has one lump.

And PROBABLY the lump is just a fatty mass. But it is growing which freaks me out. And the little dude is turning 11 in May, which is SUPER OLD! I’ve never had a pet besides my sisters cat for this long. He’s totally unconcerned with anything. He still runs around wagging his tail at any and everything. Barks like a jerkface and when I tell him off he grumbles at me like usual. Rushes to eat as much of his food as he can so he can waddle over to Posey’s dish and eat her leftovers. Snuggles in bed, like right now when he is laying against my leg snoozing. It’s just he’s such a good natured good hearted little beast, and the last dog I had that was so easy going and sweet was my Golden Retriever, Wesley and he died of cancer really young actually.

And I don’t know what I would do without Little Mister. I am aware that like all beings he is gonna die someday. And that’s just a fact of life. I just want him to be one of those impressively old mini dachshunds. One of those like, 18 year old Old Sage dachshunds that other dachshunds come up to to ask advice. And really he probably will be. I’m just fretting.

Anyway, tomorrow I will find out. He’s been a very expensive little dog this last year. He had that back flare up thing in the late winter last year, got his teeth cleaned and pulled this fall, and now he needs MORE vet care which could involve surgery if his mass is cancerous. AHHHHH! But he’s worth it, cause he is such a loving little beastie.

Besides Little Mister’s lump, things are going ok. I didn’t get my OAC grant, which is REALLY too bad, so I am looking for employment. Just a contract job would tide me over. I’m applying for a teaching job but that wouldn’t be until May, so I need something between now and then. I’ve applied for at least three or four jobs in the last week. All of them I would be awesome at. I have a hard time selling myself I think. I’ve been raised to be modest so being all shouty about how awesome I am doesn’t come naturally. But for gods sakes I would be awesome!

I think artist fees come next month. That’s also something to look forward to, because I think I got a sale. I found out one show I was supposed to be in in March fell through because they didn’t get funding, BUT I also got an email asking for a screener of a film for a festival in the States. So you win some lose some.

I worked on my outline for my script for the first time in a long time! It was really good, I think I solved all the immediate story needs I needed to satisfy. I’m going to work on it more, but I think soon I will be able to actually write the script. And then I would be on time! I really want to get it done in time so I can apply for another grant. I don’t want to spend 4 years working on it and not be eligible because I can’t do a final report.

So, pups and careers. We went on a nice walk today actually, I used mushers secret on their paws for the first time and the salt on the sidewalks and roads didn’t bother them so much. I actually think it’s kind of criminal how much Toronto loves salt. It’s so bad for dogs, cause they lick their paws and it can be toxic. I always wipe their paws when we come inside, but I can’t get ALL the salt. And really it’s ridiculous, streets will just be WHITE and powdery they are so salty. There’s more salt than snow out there right now!

So I guess I will write about all the things that happened to me this past year.

OK, not all the things. Some of them I just don’t remember so well, and some I don’t want to remember.

I finished a masters of arts in media production! I wrote a feature film script! I learned a lot of things. I moved into a co-op and fell in love with my new neighbourhood, Cabbagetown. I made some new friends. I scratched some scratch and wins and won and lost and won and lost.

I saw a falcon at the Necropolis where I take my pups for a walk every day. It was big, and didn’t eat my dogs thank god!

I finally got to read an academic essay written about my work, in particular my video Boi Oh Boi, and it made me feel validated, especially since a lot of people don’t really ‘get’ Boi Oh Boi. I will post a link to that soon!

I went to Paris with Mom, who complained about a lot of things, and we saw trios of soldiers armed with automatic weapons patrolling various places. And 11 days after we got home the big terrorist attack happened there. Which explained all the soldiers.

I went to Manitoulin Island and mentored some aboriginal female youth in making Super 8 films at Weengushk Film Institute with Female Eye Film Festival. It was fun and good and the films so far are turning out awesome.

I got a residency at Charles Street Video with ImagineNATIVE and made a short called “2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99” and it has screened at ImagineNATIVE and it’s screening in San Francisco and Palm Springs next year.

Next year is a day away! Less than that!

I told a crush I liked her but she wasn’t interested. I got another crush who probably knows I like her but I haven’t said anything. I have probably blushed though. I DID NOT get into a romantic relationship this past year. But that’s ok, because it’s nothing new.

I spent a lot of time with my mother the last few months, I saw her here in Saskatoon for two weeks in September, we went to Paris together, she came to Toronto for a week when I graduated and screened my video. And now I am here again for the next 12 days and previous couple of weeks for the holidays. And when I get back I won’t see her for months again.

I got a Canada Council grant to write a screenplay about addictions at Christmas!

I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make two more 2 Spirit videos!

I’m waiting to hear from Ontario Art Council!

I’m still trying to find the ultimate part time job that will let me make a decent income AND be a mostly full time artist. I’ve been working on getting some teaching jobs, so far nothing, BUT I have some hopes for the future!

Overall 2015 was a good year for me! I have a Masters! New work! A screenplay! Some money! Things could get even more awesome next year. I am still looking for a producer for my script. I got turned down for the Berlinale Talent Lab Script Station BUT they said I showed promise and should apply again next year. Also I did the application kinda half-assed because I was running short of time and not thinking things through.

So I guess I can’t complain. Life was mostly good to me. It’s been over a year since Grandma died, and that has been hard, and I still want to talk about her like she is still alive. I have dreams about her.

Aside from that, I am just getting more comfortable being with myself and the dogs in our own place. The dogs are nice roommates. A bit barky tho.

Tonight there erupted a scene of immense chaos. My nephew is deeply invested (and has been his whole life) in a stuffed frog named Froggy. Anyway, after sleeping a while tonight he wakes up and wants Froggy and Froggy is momentarily missing and much crying and screaming and shrieking ensues. Meanwhile I am trying to poop in the bathroom and Posey gets distressed and starts barking and barking and barking with her squeaky girl dog voice and I am yelling at her trying to get her to be quiet but she won’t listen to me through the door and so I open the door to try and get her to come in and be quiet but she won’t and she just runs past barking and barking and my nephew is still screaming and his dad is yelling at everyone to be quiet and mom’s dog Neville is barking and I’m yelling. And FINALLY I am done with the toilet and I go shut Posey up and Froggy is found! Peace is restored to the land!

Oh man.

The funny thing is meanwhile I am having these little fanciful thoughts of MAYBE having children after swearing I never ever would. Of course I have had an ablation so I have no endometrial lining and can’t carry children. BUT I do have eggs so I was wondering if I could get my eggs retrieved and fertilized and implanted in someone else’s uterus (a partner? I guess so but I don’t even have one of those!). I thought it would be like penguins, when the mother passes the egg to the father. So I did some Googling and it turns out egg retrieval, freezing, and test tube babymaking runs into thousands and thousands of dollars. That almost made me regret my ablation. But lets be real, even if I still could house a fetus in my uterus I am utterly terrified and horrified by the idea of giving birth, so it’s just as well that option is gone.

No, I don’t want to give birth, I just want to like, have this totally sweet little baby to raise WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And of course it would be better than everyone else’s children because I would raise it right. But ALSO I don’t have someone else, which puts another kink in my plans. Because I’ve seen my mom trying to raise two children as a single parent and it was hard! And she had SKY! Which made it even more harsh. And of course me all undiagnosed my whole childhood and having major suicidal depressive episodes brought on by shithead children/peers bullying me at school AND genes skewed for bipolar disorder. UGH!

And that’s kinda the thing complicating passing my actual genes on is I KNOW the kid would have some mental health issues and I would feel really guilty if I had made someone else whose brain also made them want to die for no real good reason. Little Lemminghead Child. And that’s basically what I told my gynaecologist when we decided on me getting an ablation because my periods bled so damned much it looked like a murder scene in my bed every month.

BUT there are other options, like I could find some other woman who wants to bear and raise children with me and have a kid that way. Or adoption. Or fostering. Or stealing a baby. Just kidding on that last one, I wouldn’t!

So anyway, this whole fanciful baby daydream has been a complete surprise, and I still need to find a partner before I feel comfortable doing that.

ALSO I have started seriously contemplating doing a PhD. Is serious the right word? I don’t want to apply this January, I’m not ready for next fall. But maybe within the next three or four years. Which means I need to keep my student loan in good standing by making minimum payments. ALSO I would have to find a way to fund my PhD. ALSO it’s a lot of work. And I had no life during my Masters. BUT I also lived in a basement apartment during my whole Masters, which was brutal. Maybe having access to things like sunlight would improve my outcomes in a doctoral program.

I used to want to do the History of Consciousness program at University of California Santa Cruz. But I recently checked it out and basically I would need half a million dollars to do it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have immediate access to that kind of money.

There are some programs I might like in Toronto. York has a media studies PhD, and there’s the Communications and Culture program with York and Ryerson that has a PhD. But really I don’t know. I think I need to think a bit more before making the leap.

So those are the two surprising things that I have been thinking about. I guess I have been thinking about other things too, like current crusholas and career stuff, but that’s not as potentially life changing as getting into a PhD program and having a baby. ALTHOUGH probably having a partner would make the first two things more conceivable than doing them on my own.

I did a tarot reading for the year ahead and I’m supposed to get into a relationship. So that’s promising. But aside from that it’s more of the same, starts out with lots of career stuff and ends with a Fall full of poverty and uncertainty. What else is new?

I’m applying for teaching jobs, I got turned down for one at OCAD but this time they actually cared enough to send an email saying I wasn’t getting an interview. So that’s good? Better than last time when they just didn’t say anything. I’m getting a more robust application together for ANOTHER teaching job so I hope that pans out. Really I just want one sessional gig so that I can start building up teaching experience and hopefully be more ready to apply for tenure track positions. There were some tenure track positions coming up at University of California at Riverside, which I have actually been to in the past to show my videos, and I would have been good, EXCEPT I didn’t feel ready enough to apply anyway. Because I think I do need some sessional classes under my belt before even trying to get tenure track jobs.

So, children and Phud. Both of which potentially cost thousands and thousands of dollars. I won $120 on a fifty cent bet at the casino the other day. Maybe it’s the start of some wealthy luck.

I really do want a partner before doing all of this tho. My psychic said I would be one of those people who finds someone to be with for the rest of my life. That is terribly appealing. I’m tired of all the hook ups I have had in my youth where I felt so disposable. UGH! I know I could be a good partner to someone. I just don’t know who.

There was a lesbian waitress tonight who was clearly into me. But she lives in Saskatoon, and I live in Toronto. It was over even before she brought my coconut chicken curry.

I’ve been paying attention to celebrities and artists who are using things like Patreon and social media to launch careers. I’m not sure I am as famous as the guy who does duck parenting comics, and I am sure as hell not as famous as Amanda Palmer, BUT I am thinking I need to figure out how to bring more income into my life by doing work for the internet.

I have realized I really need to step up my game if I want to get enough of a fan base to get clicks and so forth. I don’t even really know how to monetize my life. I do all this blogging here, but I don’t know if enough people are really interested in it to throw coins in my virtual hat. Plus, while I sometimes write more opinion based posts from time to time, I am aware this is a fairly navel-gazing blog. Which is kind of the point really. I mean, I did get two degrees, sobriety, fall in and out of love a few times during the course of this blog, and have a really public manic episode. So sometimes that is interesting to people. Also it is handy because I can look at posts from the past to remember important details. Like how long it takes for a grant from Canada Council to get direct deposited.

But honestly I think the most appealing thing I do is make videos, the only problem is a lot of the high falutin’ festivals don’t like to screen work that has been shown online without a privacy protected password. And that means any of my really really good stuff doesn’t actually get shown publicly online until it’s gone through the festival circuit, which can take about two years. I could make youtube videos specifically for youtube on various topics I guess. BUT that doesn’t totally appeal to me either. I’m making a webseries right now. Which IS being made specifically to be released on the internet. It makes me wonder if I should try to continue it after the first season, because it was just written to be a one season thing. Hmmmmm.

Either way, I feel like I need to step up my game. My friend Irene keeps saying I should make videos about various silly stories I tell her from my life, which does make sense. I’m not sure what is holding me back. I think I need to accept that different videos need different distribution methods. Like 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 is going to festivals, and I’m working on a script I want to get a theatrical release for, and this webseries is obviously gonna be on the web, and this Christmas “special” about addiction I am also working on might be good for television except I’m not sure that’s allowed in my Canada Council rules. BUT I am sure it will find a home somehow.

When I was younger I really just wanted to be a famous feature film director. Which I still want, but the internet has really changed things. And television has gotten more attractive to me to. And now I am realizing you can do all kinds of things and not just be one type of filmmaker/video artist/whatever.

Either way, NONE of that matters if I don’t figure out a way to make a somewhat stable income. I have a good track record with getting grants, but there’s a limit to how many you can get. And it sucks if you are relying on one and don’t get it. AND basically I would just like to get more money flowing. Through legal means.

Well, there is the Lotto Max draw tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to.

But really, if I had a patreon account (which I do but I haven’t launched it yet) would people be my patrons?

I’m in Saskatoon! I’ve seen my Mom, cousin, Grandpa, sister, Dad, and other Grandma who helped me by giving me her Residential School Personal Education Credits when I did school. It’s been a nice visit so far, I haven’t seen any of my friends yet, for whatever reason. I always think I will see lots of them and then I get here and I don’t really. I think the whole sober thing still throws people off. Sometimes I don’t mind going to bars, but honestly sometimes drunks are really fuckin’ obnoxious to be around, especially in straight jock bars.
OMG baby Posey found the companion squeaky to her blue bird, a purple walrus, and is joyfully squeaking it around the house. She’s so cute!
Speaking of cute, she is getting WAY better! Her and Little Mister aren’t trying to attack Steven like they were last time I was here. She is getting way better, not barking obsessively at visitors, I don’t have to worry about her so much. She’s turning into a good girl! Whew! Because she was kind of rotten as a baby. I mean, not to me, but to strangers and visitors. She’s adorable though, totally sweet and snuggly and I’ve long wanted her softie side to be more apparent to others.
I haven’t done much work on my script while I have been here, in fact none at all. I really should do something. I worked on it on the plane, but since then nothing! HOWEVER since it’s about Christmas, in Saskatoon, with a Native family, I have been making mental notes this whole time. I need more tension for sure. It’s about being tempted to fall off the wagon on the first sober Christmas, but I don’t think it’s coming through yet.
My reserve is giving us $200 bonuses for Christmas! 🙂 We pick them up on Thursday. Mister is getting groomed the next day with part of my bonus. He’s gonna look SO GOOD! I think he needs his ears shaved. BUT maybe they can save his long locks, he looks good with long fur on his ears and most of the rest shaved. His tail is always long tho. It’s beautiful!
I’m still looking for a job and stuff back in Toronto. Really I just want something part time. We’ll see. I did get a small grant, and I might get another bigger grant. I’m not sure when those results are out, but if it’s sent in the mail I won’t get it until January 11th anyway!
I have to get my videos to my distributors. I have to get 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 to a screening in San Francisco this January. Through The Looking Glass is playing at EMMEDIA in January too. I’m still waiting to hear back from some other festivals, but I think I won’t know for a while yet.
I did have something else I wanted to write about, but I honestly can’t remember it now.

The pups are ok! Little Mister gave me a concern for a second, but right now they are all back to normal and Posey has taken all her medication.

I’ve been doing good! I have written over 1000 words in the last two days, which is getting me back on track with my script process. I need to get this outline done before I leave, and then hopefully do a couple more drafts before I get back. Also I got asked to apply for a job for next year which I think I would be really awesome at. Actually a prof from my last semester gave the person who contacted me my email, which was really sweet because I didn’t know she thought of me that favourably. So I’m gonna get my resume all polished up and ready to go. It won’t be for a while yet.

If that works out it will open the door for me getting more jobs in that field, which would significantly improve my financial outlook. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I would talk more about it but I don’t want to jinx it!

I’ve been submitting 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 to a whole bunch of festivals. Which means I’ve been paying some entry fees. So far I haven’t had to pay any crazy entry fees, just small sums here and there. But I hope it works out! Actually a festival in Palm Springs requested to screen it in March! I didn’t even submit it there, the programmer saw it and wanted it. And it’s been accepted to another couple of festivals, one in Toronto and another elsewhere in Ontario. And I believe it is showing in San Francisco in February or something? I also found out an older film of mine, Madness In Four Actions, will screen in France sometime soon. So I have to get my shit together around that. I need to back up my laptop too actually. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. It takes at least 4 hours to copy everything onto one of my hard drives. I’ve got about 6TB worth of external hard drive space and I haven’t utilized it as well as I should.

I really like my career. I’ve been doing it since I was 16 and I am still totally into it. I like that my challenges are getting bigger and better. There’s a chance I might be able to get some significant development money for the script I wrote for my thesis project. I really hope so! I still need to find a producer. I’ve spoken about it here and there when I’m at festivals and they ask what my next projects are, and it keeps getting a really interested response from people. I know SOMEONE is gonna want to be involved. It’s just difficult. I need to find a Telefilm approved producer because they want producers to have made a certain amount of work within the last two years. And from what I understand the list is very short. I should ask my friend again, she had a list of people she knew were approved. But really, the gatekeeping for making a feature film is pretty weird. The realistic thing is for me to get a microbudget feature made, BUT this project is NOT possible with a microbudget. What a headache.

I’m going home for Christmas soon! December 10th! I’m excited to see some of my friends! And my family! And the pups are coming with me. I’m getting more used to having them on the plane. When we went the first time I was so worried, but Westjet does a good job with pets.

Anyway, it’s late, I guess I should go to bed!

Posey is doing a lot better today. She had a runny poop this morning, but it wasn’t all bloody like yesterday. She didn’t eat most of yesterday, BUT she has eaten today. I’ve been following her around waiting for her to have another poop, but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been telling her to poop. But she isn’t listening.
However, she is a lot happier, and is jumping around and snuggling like normal. She kind of threw up early this morning, but it was mostly mucus. I think she would be in distress if something more serious was going on. BUT I do really want her to have a poop. There was one poop earlier, but I think it was Little Mister’s. I wish I knew how long it takes for food to go through their systems. I guess that’s what google’s for.

Around 1pm I found a bloody stool on one of the puppy pads the dogs use. The problem with having two dogs is that you won’t know which one had the bad poop until you see them do it again. But for whatever reason, I had a hunch it was Posey. So I started watching her, and called the vet and got an appointment for 5pm for which ever dog was having bad poops. I saw her going back there and having another bad poop, and then she had this terrible bloody watery diarrhea dripping from her bum for a while. I had a hard time waiting for her vet appointment. Especially since she was so obviously unhappy, and starting to retch, and I was getting really worried about her.
So at 4:30 I went to the vet, even though we just sat there for a half hour before her appointment. She was unhappy. The vet gave her a good exam, checked her belly in case there was an obstruction (she decided there isn’t), and gave her a rectal exam and took her temperature. She has a bit of a fever. The reasons for her bloody stool are varied! She could have gotten worms from snuffling at the ground on our walks. She could have eaten something that hurt her tummy. We don’t really know. But she has a dewormer and an antibiotic that also does something else.
They are both liquids and so far she is doing TERRIBLE at taking them, she tries to spit as much out as possible, so clearly I have to brush up on how to administer it better. One is a 3ml dose which is A LOT for a small dog. I would mix it up with food, but right now her tummy is so bad that she doesn’t want to eat her dinner. They sent her home with some canned wet food for gastrointestinal problems. But she is so unhappy that Little Mister ate her supper.
So I’m worried about her, but she is doing a bit better. She is still pooping blood, but they said that would happen for a while, and hopefully tomorrow she will start doing better. She’s gotten blood, barf, and shit on me, and at this point I have stopped changing my clothes. I really hope she doesn’t get any gross stuff on the bed, BUT if she does I will just have to do some laundry I guess.
Little Mister is perfectly fine. He’s been having a regular day, barking out the window, sleeping on the couch, walking around wagging his tail. He was sad when Posey left to go to the vet, but he was very happy when she returned.
I hope she feels better tomorrow. If she keeps getting worse I have to take her back. I think she will get better tho. I hope so!

So eleven days after I got back from Paris with my Mom, the whole terror attack thing happens. Which made all those soldiers doing patrols through the city make a lot more sense (though they were still creepy to see, and in the end not at the places that got targeted). I had a couple of friends who were in Paris when it happened, but they were safe, as were the people we knew who lived there. My friend Rolf actually lives in the neighborhood where the shootings were, so I’m glad he didn’t go out that night.

And then a whole bunch of shit happened on facebook with people being mad at other people about how they were reacting and it got really tiresome and for a while I was just like “UGH!” every time I was on facebook. And I don’t mean people being mad at racists, I mean people on the left being super irritating. Even leftists can be assholes.

Anyway! UGH! There’s not a whole lot I can do about the whole thing besides being anti-racist and vocal about being against Islamophobia. Atheists got a bit annoying too. That whole “Let’s ban all religions!” thing. Oh man shut up! Overwhelmingly the Muslim communities don’t agree with ISIS anyway! Just like overwhelmingly Christians find Westboro Baptist Church odious.

People keep adding me to Atheist groups on Facebook, but I don’t actually identify as an Atheist. I kind of do believe in God, but probably not as most people assume God to be. Like I don’t imagine this one big omnipotent being in a cloud somewhere. Or a male or female God. I had this huge realization about God when I had my first manic episode, but everyone kind of made fun of me for it so it seems weird to talk about now EVEN THOUGH I still believe it to be true. I just think we are all God. Like I am God, and you are God, and we are all having this experience to learn how to be a better being in the end. It’s really simple. And my dog Posey is God, and so is Mister, and the tree outside is God, and the birds, etc. Stars. Aliens. The Moon. My Mom.

And when my Grandma was dying all these spirits were coming into the room of people and animals she knew in her lifetime to take her away, so I also have a hard time believing that there is NOTHING after death.

But sometimes the Atheist groups post something I find funny, which is probably the only reason I don’t remove myself. Like Jesus shooing away the dinosaur, that is cute. I will repost that!