I’ve been slacking! Well, it’s probably because I had a lot going on. I mean, the only real thing I have been slacking with is my scriptwriting. Instead I finished a video, wrote two grants, and went to Paris. But I have to get back into some kind of writing routine. Cause right now it SUCKS ASS!

I was going to Jet Fuel and writing every morning with Louis, back when we were still friends, but I haven’t been since the falling out. Which is too bad because they made an awesome latte. Instead my morning routine consists of facebooking, drinking french press coffee, and then taking pups on their walk. Nothing about writing. It’s terrible! I mean, the coffee and dog walking is pretty much essential, but the facebooking could be curbed I guess.

I really just need to sit my ass down in front of my laptop and write and write and write.

I think I have a bit of a block. I’m just doing the outline for my Skunk Cousins Christmas script, but the tension within the plot is not built up enough. It’s all about addiction and the first sober Christmas of this main character. Hmmmm.

I guess that means I have to think about my sobriety a lot more than I have lately. I haven’t even gone to an NA meeting or a support group in over a year. Not since I lived in Saskatoon. I used to go to concurrent disorders support groups all the time. It really helped. But this last year was all about school and just keeping my head above water. And so for whatever reason I wasn’t really concerned with my sobriety. It just became another facet of my life that I didn’t think too much about.

When I was still using, Christmas Day was, even though it was super family oriented ALWAYS, ALSO a heavy drinking day. And of course there was the one Christmas day my cuz and I waited around for our dealer. WHO DEALS ON CHRISTMAS DAY???? OMG! Only a superhero, if you are an addict. My dealer the superhero. We waited for hours, but then when our drugs finally came we were like, so happy. And of course meanwhile the family is getting together trying to be cheerful. I don’t remember my first sober Christmas. I think it went ok. I mean, mostly the people getting loaded at Mom’s house was just myself and maybe a cousin or too. Mom could have baileys in her coffee and wine at dinner, but she didn’t go all out like me.

And then another part of me wonders how much Saskatoon is implicated in all of this. I had vague realizations that Saskatoon is a heavy drinking city. But I really didn’t notice until my cuz Deanna went back from Victoria recently and made the observation that she has drank more times in her short time there than her six months or whatever in Victoria where she only drank four times. And it’s true! People drink a lot more there. There’s not much else to do. It’s just the culture of the city.

But I did get sober in Saskatoon, so it is POSSIBLE to come out of that drinking mindset and move on.

I’ve noticed this thing with couples. When one quits smoking, usually the other one has to as well, or it won’t work. They will just bum a smoke off their partner and go back to smoking. I’ve noticed couples have a really hard time quitting because of that. That’s sort of the premise of my script too, which is that it is difficult (though not impossible) to quit using when you are surrounded and close to addicts and alcoholics. It’s just always available and there and so easy to just fall off the wagon. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO. But very few people will just cut off all of their relatives who are using or drinking. I mean, I love my cousins, and I do hang out with them even when they are using and drinking and what not. Maybe it doesn’t tempt me anymore. It used to.

I’ve had a couple of drinking dreams lately. I don’t know why, I don’t miss being drunk. I miss craft beer, but I don’t miss puking on the ground or the floor or someone else’s penthouse.

There was this saying in my concurrent disorders support group where they say “Play the tape to the end.” And it means if you are wistfully reminiscing about your addiction, you should remember the consequences of that action. Because really I did get myself into some super shitty situations through my drinking and drug use. I lost a $30,000 a year job. I lost affordable housing. I once had to pay hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket home after I missed my flight from getting too drunk in a foreign country. UGH! I lost my favorite bunnyhug TWICE! Once when I was on E and another time when I puked all over someone’s place. Ha ha I guess the bunnyhug isn’t so awful. BUT IT WAS! It was made of lambswool and blue and had a zip up the front, it was the best one ever. I bought it twice it was so nice, and then I could never find it again.

Ha ha, so these are all the things I have to think about in relation to my script.

I’m gonna write for four hours at the very least tomorrow! That is my goal. Actually writing this tonight has sort of helped with my thoughts around the subject.

Well, my trip to Paris was amazing! We saw all kinds of sights, Versailles, the exterior of the Moulin Rouge, some crazy sex store street (on the way to Moulin Rouge from Pigalle), took a “petite train” through Montmartre, saw these trios of armed soldiers walking around about four different places (which was super creepy), the Eiffel tower, went on a bus tour of Paris and a ghost tour that met in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral. Saw the Thinker’s back from the top of our bus, the Arc De Triomphe, a golden flame above the tunnel Princess Diana died in. We found out practically every square used to have public beheadings. Fell in love with Jordan’s 4 Noix cereal (and brought some home). Mom rode the back of a scooter up the street where we stayed, being driven by one of our hosts! My video screened to a huge audience and it went really well. We saw some excellent films, found out that French lesbians learned the word Dandelion from Orange Is The New Black.

It was a good trip! I had some good and bad dreams, good and bad sleeps. Mom is a snorer, so I brought ear plugs, and for the most part when I wore them I was ok. Our plane on the way to Paris was awful, we didn’t have seat back video screens, so we just had to watch whatever was on the main screen, no wifi, no power outlets, ugh! And cramped quarters. But coming back we had a great plane! No wifi or power either, but at least we could pick what we wanted to see. I watched The Clouds of Sils Maria, and Bessie.

Travelling with Mom was a bit weird, especially because she’s got a bad knee so it limited her mobility. But ultimately it was good, because she is more assertive than me and asked strangers questions like how to find Jim Morrison’s grave because we were at Pere Lachaise and had limited time to see it before my roundtable at the festival. Oh yeah, so we saw his grave. It was my second time seeing it. She was good at attempting to talk in French. Mostly we noticed when we tried to talk in French people had no clue what we were saying. Or were being snotty, one or the other.

I had a good time at the festival! I was amazed how many older women attended. They seemed to be people who had attended for many many years. We weren’t really supposed to take pictures, so I didn’t take many there, just a selfie of me in the audience at my screening. I saw a couple of hotties, but I only talked to one, and the other one I just admired from afar.

They put cheese on everything it seems! It got kind of overwhelming! I also started thinking in French, which was a little trippy but not surprising.

Where to next? Well, if I get my script into the script station at Berlinale I’ll go to Berlin in February. I am also going to apply for a residency just outside of Glasgow, Scotland, which would happen next summer. So those are all maybes. I am for sure going to Saskatoon for a month in Dec-Jan. It will be nice to see old friends and my family and Grandpa!

I missed my dogs a lot. But I have a really good dog sitter, Amethyst, so they were in good hands and I wasn’t worried and got cute photos of them now and then.

I got back yesterday around suppertime. Had a good sleep, sent mom to the airport to go back to Saskatoon. Today I picked up mail at the post office, walked pups, ate leftover pizza, and just basked in the happiness of being back home!

So Grad went well! I have a degree! It looks very nice, way better than the one I got for my BFA, I might even frame this one. After that was a small reception, I filled up on chicken things and then we rushed to my screening. It wasn’t packed, which I was expecting because it was conflicting with the Canadian Shorts program. BUT the people who saw my video really liked it, so that was nice.

ImagineNATIVE was fun and I saw a lot of good films and visited with lots of people and it was nice to be there with Mom.

BUT on Mom’s last night in town we went to a friends house, and he got offended by her in the hour and a half we were there and after we got back to my house he called me up to yell at me about it. I got him off the phone saying she was in the other room and I couldn’t talk. Then he called me twice in a row and sent a text ordering me to pick up the phone, which obviously I didn’t because I could see this all going sideways and it was my last night with my Mom (until tomorrow when she comes back to go with me to Paris). So THEN he sends this really angry call out to me and my mom mostly addressed to her where he accused her of all kinds of things, most of which I really didn’t see happening. I thought he stepped over the line by attacking my mom, so we didn’t read the message until the next day after she got home. I sent him a long email explaining that he was out of line, that his call outs were getting inappropriate, that my relationship with my mom was more important than my relationship with him, and that he could keep calling out all the people he wants but he will be very lonely. Also I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. Then he fires back this “who the fuck cares” email, then like, two or three more angry aggressive emails, some in all caps and one where he called me a coward (I guess because I didn’t hate on my mom like he wanted me to). I don’t respond because I just want him to back the fuck off and go away. So a few days pass, I made a status saying we weren’t friends anymore and if people wanted to know more they could pm me. So a few people did, and everyone was appalled that he would attack my mom like that.

I honestly thought, no, maybe hoped, that that would be the end of it. But then on Friday he sent me this creepy drawing with the email title “a message from your grandma” who of course if you are following this blog you will know died in December of last year. So I was furious. This was just yet another line he crossed, and a creepy fucked up line to cross too. So I made a facebook status about it and friends were even more appalled and I got some people checking in with me and telling me about experiences with stalkers. And I asked a couple of other friends about how to deal with harrassment and they gave me the low down on dealing with the cops should I need to take it that far. I didn’t want to see his bullshit in my email inbox so right now it is sitting in a seperate folder called “Louis Evidence” and I have blocked his email addresses so that if I get something from him it will go to spam and not ruin my day.

I have blocked him on facebook and instagram, and if I knew which tumblr his was I would block it too but all I know is that it’s a porn tumblr. I have a few porn tumblrs following mine, oddly enough (I like never post porn on my tumblr so I don’t know why they follow me), so I’m not really inclined to go through my followers and block them all. BUT I mostly reblog things on my tumblr, and this is the only space where I talk about my life. Once in a while I talk about things on my tumblr but it’s pretty rare. I know I saw someone else who was getting stalked and wrote very publically about it on her blog, so if this continues I’m going to be pretty open about what is going on here.

So yeah, that was my fucked up week, after what was a pretty awesome week. On the other hand I know who my friends are now, and have gotten some really good support from my community. Especially my community back in Saskatoon, which is sort of heartwarming, especially since Louis called it a shitass town in that aggressive message he wrote to my mom. Like, yeah, slam my mom AND my hometown and then be surprised I don’t want to be your friend anymore? Jesus Christ on a cracker!

Also to be honest, this is part of a pattern of behaviour from him. And it needs to end. And if the only way to end it is by not engaging with him at all, then so be it. I saw him at the Peaches concert and he looked at me but I just kept walking. OH YEAH I saw Peaches!

Peaches was awesome! A highlight of my week! I went with my friend Margaret, who I didn’t know was going until the day of the concert because I was supposed to go with Louis. Margaret was lots of fun! I always like hanging out with her! 🙂 We used to date and also have lots of best friend history. She got me through some dark nights back in Vancouver. One of my favorite people!

Things are ultimately good though. I am going to Paris in less than 48 hours and I have tickets to go back to my shitass hometown (Saskatoon don’t worry I don’t think of you that way!) for a month at Christmas! With my dogs! 🙂

SEE two smiley faces in this crazy sideways post, life’s not all bad! ALSO Parisien Lesbians, need I say more?? 😉

Mom is coming TOMORROW! We’re gonna have a cheap visit with not much eating out at restaurants, because both of us have to save money. BUT we do have tickets for ImagineNATIVE and we’re going to convocation and it’s going to be awesome.

I got my travel grant to go to Paris! 😀 So she and I are also going to Paris at the end of the month. She’s gonna fly over then the next day we go to Paris and the festival is going to billet us and we are going to try and see some things on the cheap there too.

We are going on a ghost tour of Paris on Halloween! 😀 SO AMAZING! I love ghost tours.

I have been spending money more than it is coming in, which worries me. BUT I did finish my OAC grant AND a Toronto Art Council grant application so in the new year HOPEFULLY some money comes in. Also I keep throwing a few dollars into 649 and Lotto Max, so there is a tiny slim itty bitty chance of suddenly gaining an immense amount of wealth. I think having hope is nice.

We are also traveling for a half day to the Palace of Versailles on the second day we are in Paris, which should be pretty funny. Mom wants to look behind the curtains for old poops because she says people used to duck behind curtains to poop. I once read a story about how these old ladies went to the Palace and walked around and saw all these people in period wear and remarked on it on their way out and no one was dressed like that there that day, so they think they went into some kind of time warp or something. Which sounds cool, I would be interested in that happening. Although I doubt anything that amazing will happen.

I graduate in the afternoon on the 15th, and at 6:30 that day my video screens at Tiff Bell Lightbox. So it’s going to be an exciting day!

I feel happy today, which is funny because I forgot my antidepressant this morning. I’m excited to see my mom tomorrow, and today was thanksgiving and Louis and I cooked a turkey and he made this great stuffed squash and it was all delicious and awesome. And my dogs are curled up beside me being adorable. And I am just generally happy for many reasons. So that’s a good feeling!

So I had a busy week! I gave a talk in Lila Pine’s class and showed some videos. I went to a fundraiser for MMIW. I bought a soprano ukulele that is super cute and learned 3 chords and how to play Three Little Birds. I took the dogs to the vet for their second Leptospirosis booster shot and Little Mister got some pre-anaesthetic bloodwork for his upcoming dental cleaning. Both pups were very good! Posey growled a little but she didn’t need a muzzle.

Actually Posey has been making great strides! Yesterday we went for a walk in the Necropolis and she met a friendly yorkie and they traded buttsniffs and she wasn’t grumpy about it at all. ALSO she is better around Louis and other people who come to our home! I was a bit worried about her because she had some aggression issues, but she is starting to turn around! I am having some hopes that she will turn out to be a good girl! Cause she really is such a sweetheart once she trusts someone. Just this morning she kept showing me her belly for kisses and rubs. She’s adorable.

I’ve started knitting again, after not knitting for almost two years! I didn’t need to watch a youtube tutorial to pick it up again, which is a good sign! But I’m not doing anything fancy. Just knit knit knit. No purling. I’m making scarf #2 because the first one got stolen at the Mendel Art Gallery. By some HIPSTER SCUM!

That one was blue and this one is pinK! 😀

Mom keeps teasing me that the ukulele is popularized by hipsters, but I don’t care, I really just wanted to see if I can learn an instrument. If I do get into it I may move on to an acoustic guitar, but that’s off in the future. I’m not really anticipating doing any public performances, I mostly just want to play it at home. Although there are some uke jams around town apparently, which could be fun.

I am really liking spending time at home these days. I need to get some groceries tho. I am also working on an OAC grant for the 1st. AND I have a table read coming up of 10 minutes of my script on the 30th. It’s for a showcase of work from my classmates. That and the convocation on October 15th and I will be done everything for school! No more!

I’m waiting to hear back about a travel grant I applied for to go to Paris. It’s at the end of October. I hope I hear soon! I don’t want to buy tickets until I know it’s a for sure thing.

Career wise, things are good! My new video will premiere October 15th at 6:30 before Esprit De Corps at ImagineNATIVE. I may be showing that video at another event in San Francisco. I might be going to Glasgow in 2017. I still need a producer for my feature.

What else? My dogs are great. I love my dogs and they love me. I’m not dating anyone but I don’t really care either. I think if love wants to find me it will find me. I don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment either. So that’s fine.

I’ve been walking my dog in our new favorite walking place, the Necropolis. Which apparently turns out to be the dog walkers paradise. And there are a couple mourners now and then. Maybe I will meet another dog owner there one day.

Turns out Saphris was NOT for me! I got a rash, and at first I didn’t put two and two together. And then I realized I got itchy the day after I first started taking it . . . I didn’t notice for over two weeks and by then it was bad and I had to rush to my doctor the day I left town for Saskatoon. She gave me an epipen and a prescription for my old trusty risperidone. So I went back on it and the rash went away.

Didn’t need to use the Epipen.

Saskatoon was a nice visit, I saw four friends and my Grandpa and spent lots of time with my Mom. Posey made friends with Mom’s new rescue dog Neville, they played chase a lot. He grabs ears tho, so sometimes she just wanted a break from him. I think she was sad to come home. She barked and cried a lot when we came back to the co-op. Poor dear!

My friend Erin had a lovely wedding. She had the quickest ceremony ever, I swear it took fifteen minutes! And the reception was great, out in the country.

I’m busy editing my video for ImagineNATIVE! 😀 I have some things ready for tomorrow, today was mostly converting and doing various technical things and then some basic editing. Konrad is helping me out! He’s not there tomorrow tho, it will be me on my own, but he is back on Wednesday!

Louis came over and the dogs had fun. They ended up hiding from us for a while even though I called them, until I finally brought out a hot rod, the wiener dog’s kryptonite! Two little noses poked out from under the couch!

I just spent a week on Manitoulin Island mentoring youth in making Super 8 Films. I’m so beat!
Then I came home with money in my account and called Teksavvy to get internet hooked up here (FINALLY!) and was on the phone for like, and hour and then got cut off. My calls were failing and I was getting mad at my cell provider, WIND, because they had kept cutting me off up north. ANYWAY finally I got through again and got internet booked and paid for through online banking. It took a couple of hours, the whole thing. Because I have a weird address.

And I got tenant insurance FINALLY which I was supposed to have since the 1st but no money.

ALSO I owe money at my old place and I went to pay that online but there is a hold on most of my money so I have to wait until Monday when my big direct deposit comes from Canada Council.

Canada Council’s money is late because they had a closed finances office for a while which caused a delay. So it ended up being way later than the promised three weeks. Monday my money should be in my account. It’s been so stressful. I hate money delays.

And then to have the bank put a hold on my big cheque! So annoying! BUT I have enough for now and it won’t matter on Monday anyway.

It’s my third night on Saphris. I just took it. It makes me feel stoned! I’m gonna hit the sack soon. The first night I had the worst restless legs. I googled and ativan gets rid of that, so I took that that night and last night. I’m gonna wait tonight to take another ativan in case I don’t need it. Some people say the restless legs go away after a couple nights.

I can feel it kicking in so I should probably go hit they hay!

I am writing this from the comfort of my new unit! 😀 I moved in yesterday. I used El Cheapo movers and they were SUPER GOOD! Came in right at the amount I budgeted for including their fifty dollar tip! Got everything done in about three hours, and only one thing got broken and that was due to my bad packing skills. I’ve got almost the whole apartment unpacked. There are about five boxes still left to go, but there were over 25 boxes originally, so I think it’s gone pretty well!

I LOVE my new space! 😀 It’s so sunny and beautiful and the dogs are happy and I am happy. There’s a sun porch and nice floors and I need curtains but it’s ok for now! The appliances are new so they are nice and quiet. I haven’t used the stove yet but it’s gas so that will be exciting.

There’s still some left to unpack and rearrange. BUT overall I am really happy with how things have turned out. The pups and I have gone for walks around this very big block, but we need to get a good longer route figured out.

I don’t know where the garbage, recycling, laundry, or storage is, so when the office opens again on Tuesday I have a lot of questions to ask of them. ALSO apparently tomorrow is a holiday, so it’s dubious I will get my grant money then. BUT maybe tuesday? Hope so!

I never want to move again! I want to live here forever! I have to be sure to be a good tenant so I don’t screw up! It’s in such a nice neighborhood and so close to downtown. I mean, basically it is downtown! I’m a block away from Riverdale Farm and the Necropolis and Parliament is just a short walk to get to some grocery stores. I’m disappointed in the selection at No Frills, but for basics it’s good.

And there’s a Loblaws just a short streetcar ride away.

Having all this light is amazing. I hope this place is warm in the winter. My friend Terri pointed out one thing that might make it a bit chilly, but I think I can insulate it when the time comes.

I’m kind of amazed by how much I have unpacked!

It’s day 3 of packing, with two more days to pack before the movers arrive to take my stuff to the new place. I printed out a map of where I am moving because there is a back lane they can park in that is closer to my unit. My friend Terri is going to wait around with me for the movers then drive the pups and I to the new place. I’m going to put them in their crates in the bathrooms while stuff is being moved out and in.

I’ve packed almost everything. I have a few odds and ends, and the rest of the dishes, pots and frying pans, and the food in my cupboards (there really isn’t much of that though!). I don’t have too much left to do.

I picked up a lot of garbage today. It’s looking better in here. I think I have more than enough boxes, since a lot of my clothes came in boxes and now they are leaving in garbage bags.

I’m taking some time off tomorrow afternoon to get the keys and go see my friend’s documentary at school. Also I have to pick up my new prescription tomorrow on the way home. Hopefully it’s covered, because I literally have 1.75 left to my name.

My money is still not in. It’s COMING! At some point. I’m getting nervous, especially since I found out it might take 3 weeks from when they got the form. SO LONG!

Good news is that my Indian Residential School personal credits cheque was FINALLY issued. It’s going to take a while to get though, because the admin part of the university is shut down this Friday and Monday. And then they have to mail it to me.

All in all I am getting REALLY nervous about my rent cheque not being able to come through. I’m hoping my money gets deposited on Monday. Last time I got a grant that’s when it got deposited, about two weeks after I got the notice I had received one. So that’s encouraging?

I am really tired of being poor. I get student loan money on Friday, but most of that is going to the movers, and then some is going to my metro pass and some is going to insurance and then hopefully I have some left for food. If I am lucky I might be able to call and get an appointment for my internet to get hooked up. BUT I need at least 240 before I can do that. I’m leaving town on the 8th or 9th to go up north to teach some youth how to make videos, so I really want some wifi for the dogsitter. Because I would feel bad for her if she had no internet access at my place. That makes life unbearable these days.

ALSO I will feel bad having no internet access the next while too! 🙁

All my problems have solutions I am sure, but this cash flow issue is really worrisome, because it’s just been all these delays! And I have expenses coming up!

On Thursday I did my thesis defense! 😀 And I passed! It went really well, I got asked some good questions, and they just want me to do a few minor revisions and then it’s good to be submitted! So that’s one less stress!

This weekend we did the 2 Spirit shoot! I need to shoot for another day, I am going to rent the RED Camera again and do some more. But it’s on track! The first day I had a lot of trouble saying the lines, but today went really really well! I was able to get through the main chunks and I can put edits in between. I’m going to do a shot list for the next shoot, I need three satisfied customers and maybe one clumsy person (which could also be me?? Maybe?). I’m also waiting for Mom to make the beaded whisk prop. That will take two more weeks.

I’m going out of town for a week in August, I’m making money but I’m getting nervous about having enough time to finish this project. By August 7th I need a still or two for the catalogue. I’m not totally sure what I will do, although I do have footage but it’s using a green screen so I need to put something behind it. I was hoping for some prairies, but I’m not sure about using HDV prairie footage with RED RAW footage. SO I am thinking maybe I will just scan some prairie pictures and use those. It doesn’t really need to be moving images in the background.

I also need another camera person for the next shoot, because Irene was helping me but she’s in LA in August. I am thinking maybe Charles Street Video can recommend someone. ALSO I need to get someone to drive me and my stuff. Ugh! Logistics give me a headache!

I’m so anxious too. My anxiety was through the roof this weekend, what with picking up equipment and then doing the shoot and now taking it back. AND THEN I’m gonna be packing up my suite this week and getting ready for the El Cheapo Movers on Saturday, AND Moving the pups too! So that’s a whole other stress. BUT I am hoping to get my shit in my new place and unpack most of it, come back here and clean, and then it’s smooth sailing! Sort of!

However I have had to adjust my timeline for coming back to see my family. I’m gonna go for the last weekend of August and first two weeks of September now, because I have to finish these revisions and get a bound copy of my thesis and supporting paper to Ryerson by August 31st. AND ImagineNATIVE needs a finished copy of my video by September 11th, so I am just gonna try and finish it by the end of August and hand it in then. It’s nerve wracking! :O

But really, September is still summer technically. So I will still get some nice days in Saskatoon.

GAH! This blog post is really just a list of shit I have to do! It’s kind of unglamourous. The unglamourous life of a filmmaker.

ALSO Since I am using the RED camera for the first time, I am thinking of booking the in house editor for the first day at CSV so they can show me some color correction and workflow stuff. Because I DO NOT KNOW the workflow of the RED!