So the deadline day for the TA job I got an interview!  It went well I think.  I HOPE!  That was Monday.  I find out tomorrow!  Wish me luck!

Today I bought a shirt at The Bay and then took Mom out for dinner, and THEN realized when we got home that the dude at the counter left the dye tag on it!  WHAT THE HELL!??  Who leaves a dye tag on a shirt?  Now I have to take it back and get it removed, and hope I don’t get guff from someone thinking I am trying to steal!

I got my Idle No More paper back from this class I was worried about, A-! 😀  Which, if my calculations are correct, means I have managed to pass my coursework!  I don’t know what my marks are for my Media Writing class though.  I think they get posted in January.  Which really isn’t that far off, but it doesn’t satisfy my immediate curiousity!

I am finishing up my project proposal.

***********The Next Day*****************

I didn’t get a call about the job yet!  :O I don’t know if that is good or bad!  Is he still mulling it over?  No emails either.  I sent him an email tonight, but it was in regards to my Major Project Proposal.  I’ve written the first draft and I wanted some input.  Also I have to update my beatsheet with all that info too!  Did I mention he is also my grad advisor? Maybe it’s awkward.

Anyway, I DID get the dye tag taken off my shirt at the Bay, and bought a carry on for cheap.  I need one to hold stuff that won’t fit in my luggage.

It’s so late!  It’s 2:30am!

I’m getting sick.  I can tell!  This will be my second cold in three months.  That’s far too frequent for my liking!  At least it isn’t the flu, I got the flu shot a while ago.

I should sleep!  SLeep sleep sleep!  Maybe I will get an answer tomorrow about the job!

I’m feeling pretty good today.  I had to put off my telephone meeting with my Grad Advisor until this past Wednesday, a couple days after Grandma’s funeral.  I had some anxiety around it.  I’ve been having a little bit of Imposter’s Syndrome in regards to school, which is basically when you think the dummy police are going to burst in at any second and declare you totally incompetent at Grad School.  But I didn’t have to worry so much, my Grad Advisor liked my project and gave some really good suggestions for how to take it further.  It was really good to hear.  And he said I might be eligible for an award, so that’s something to hope for.  I also got a grade from one of my last projects in one class and it was an A+ so I hope that keeps my average up.  There is one class I was struggling in but it’s actually in two parts and in this one part I am doing really well.  So we’ll see.

I’m getting more and more excited about my Major Project because the story is getting more exciting and convoluted in a good way.  And I think it might be a thesis project people would actually want to make and go see.  So THAT’S good. The theme is really pertinent to current realities in Canada for Indigenous people.

Mom was gonna come back to Toronto with me after Christmas, but I think that plan is changing and now she is gonna come during reading week.  We might go to New York for a few days too. Either way, it should be nice.

I applied to a TA position, I whipped up a new CV and a decent cover letter and the best paper I wrote for school this semester as a writing sample.  So I hope I get one of the positions. It would really help my anxieties around cash to have a job to ease me through the second semester.  And I don’t think there are TA positions during the summer semester, although really I have no idea.

I felt really excited about the future today.  Also it helped that we went to the Casino and I won $400.  I got 26 free spins on Smoke Signals!  I didn’t even know you could get free spins on Smoke Signals!

I think I’m gonna have to get rich on my talents though.  Smoke Signals, 649, and Lotto MAX are not gonna come through with my retirement fund!  The odds are totally not in my favour!  And maybe my film career is also not in my favour, based on discrimination against all my marginalized identities.  BUT you never know.  You just never know!

December 5th at 1:25am my Grandma breathed her last breath.  My Uncle Doug and Auntie Pauline were by her side, and my cousin Lorne and his family came over and walked the body out to the hearse.  We got the news right away, had a cry and went back to sleep as well as we could.  I was exhausted from spending the previous night awake with her, so I slept pretty well.

There were a lot of things we had to do and still have to do.  But because we were expecting it, a lot of planning was done beforehand.  We viewed her body in the funeral centre the same day. She looked beautiful. She didn’t have make up and she wasn’t embalmed, and she was in a pine box with a cotton shroud like she had wanted.  She was wearing her glasses and her engagement and wedding rings that she had always worn.  She was in her favorite red sweater.  They had really good lighting, so she looked like she was still a bit pink.  The family gathered and cried and told stories about her life. Grandpa was out of the hospital so he finally got to see her, and I was glad he was able to get out in time for the viewing.

Tomorrow is the wake, then the memorial on Monday at 2pm. I’ve been having highs and lows and grumpy periods and sad periods.  I feel good that she died a natural death and went to a good place and was surrounded by loved ones.  And she had a good life.  And a good husband.

I am gonna miss her a lot.  But being with her near the end and feeling the pure love we had between us as Grandma and Granddaughter, it felt really good.

I thought I didn’t have a copy of my Homelands video on this computer, but it turns out I do.  So I fixed the sound and am compressing it and tomorrow I am going to make a DVD for people to watch at the wake if they want to.  Not many people in my family actually saw it.  And it’s nice to hear and see Grandma again.

I should get to bed.  I was gonna make lemon meringue pies for the wake, but I think that was too ambitious.  And today was Kristjan’s fifth birthday, so we had a little party for him, and were busy a lot of the day.

And anyway, why not take a break?  I have been doing so much these days.  And I need a little contemplative time to think about life and Grandma and stuff.  And dammit, that’s ok!

Last night I spent awake beside Grandma, listening to all the things she had to say and moving her leg when it was going to fall out of bed and shuffing her blankets around and moistening her lips.  She didn’t pass in my presence, at this writing she is still alive.  She was getting ready to go though.  Her breathing would stop and start, she would moan and sometimes convulse and she started saying numbers.  And then names.  She said the name of Christopher, my cousin who died in 2006.  She said the name of Prince, her dog who she and Grandpa had for sixteen years.  She said Mom and she said Betty, who is her departed sister.  I was there all night and then came home and got kisses from my dogs and ate bacon eggs and toast and showered.  Changed my clothes.

My Uncle and Auntie are there now with her and Auntie said she just said Beautiful in Cree.

The light was dim last night because my Mom and other Auntie were snoozing in the two rooms.  And sometimes my Auntie would come in and use the bathroom and close the door, making the room almost black.  And then you could see flashes of light moving around the room.  It was so moving, all of it, and this feeling that there really is an afterlife and our people come back for us to bring us to the other side.

Grandpa is getting an operation right now so he couldn’t be there.  Grandma is really worried about him.  She told us over and over “Visit him a lot.”

I think she is trying to hang on so she can talk to him or see him.  I don’t know if that will happen.

But I do know that she is going to a beautiful place with her relatives and dog who have passed on.  And that is enough for me to feel ok letting her go.  She was the best Grandma I could have ever had.  All I kept thinking was how much I loved her, for all the things she has done for me and others and just for the amazing woman she is.  And I know the staff at her care home are being really good to her.  If she doesn’t see Grandpa in person I know she will see him in spirit.

And I will visit him.  As much as I can. A lot.

So I am in Saskatoon.  Grandma is still alive, but she is very sleepy and tired and her memory is all over the place.  Today she said I was going to move to Southern Alberta.  Which I haven’t ever considered! I think it’s getting harder for her to stay alive, but who knows right?

I am still trying to finish school!  I have kept up with all my assignments so far, I have written my first draft of my extended narrative tonight and hopefully that is good enough for now.  I have an essay I need to get done by Thursday so that is the next tricky thing.  I’m a little stressed out, because it’s that time of year, the end of the semester time of year.  I hope I can pass this semester even though I am so far away.

I had a dream a friend told me she was single and that she thought we should go on a date and then she kissed me.  It wasn’t a tonguey kiss though, but it was still really sweet and my dreaming head made it all very romantic.  Silly.

The dogs are here with me.  It was Posey’s first birthday today, so she got pork twists with sweet potato and then her and the pups got a special gourmet dog food made with buffalo and more sweet potatoes.

I finally got the school to confirm my enrollment, so that was Monday and they said in five business days I would get my student loan.  I hesitate to believe it.  The loans people said I might have to pay interest, which would be around 16 dollars.  And AFTER they recieved it THEN I would get my loan.  So I really don’t know when I will get my loan.  I wish they would just take the 16 dollars off of my loan because I have not much money anyway and most of it is borrowed and FOR GOD’S SAKES!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

So will it be Friday or two and a half weeks from now?  I don’t know.

My money!  And I owe so many people money!

There are three weeks left of the semester.  And I still don’t have my student loan money.  Sigh!  I called late last week and they said to call again on Monday and find out where in the process they are with my money.  Apparently it wasn’t until last Wednesday that they sent a request for confirmation of my enrollment in University.  So slow!  Why the fuck are student loans so slow???  I HATE IT!  🙁

And then I read somewhere else that it’s 7 business days after they get electronic confirmation from my university.  I hope that’s not true.  I hope it’s a lot faster!  I counted my change and I have nine dollars.  And $2.67 in my bank account.  And I would like to pay rent, phone bill, pay people back.  Sigh.

SIGH!

Posey is being super cute today.  She was throwing around her little rawhide chewy, and she threw it on the floor and then Little Mister got it.

Little Mister was happier on our walk today because he didn’t have to walk in the rain.  He hates the rain!

I bought dog poop bags that are lavender scented and it is kind of disturbing.  I don’t think it’s natural.

I missed chatting with Robin because I was on the bus heading for St. Clair West station and then on to Kensington Market.  Too bad!  But I got to visit Louis and that was nice.

I should go to sleep I guess.  It’s 11:30.  I watched the fourth episode of American Horror Story Freak Show and got grossed out by some gory things.  I hate gore, but this is the first time I’ve sort of kept up with a television show since I left mom and her cable behind.  So I’m gonna stick with it!  And maybe watch the other seasons.

Just the other day I saw a timehop about winning money on Lotto Max.  We had won $130 bucks.  Today I thought I won ten dollars on 649, so I went and checked it and I won $80.90!  And this time I got to keep it! (Mom mostly took my winnings the time before because I owed her money).  Anyway, so far I have gotten pancakes and some more lottery tickets.

I went to the doctor’s this morning for a physical.  She was very thorough!  Everything got checked, swabbed, probed, and it climaxed with a flu shot.  She seemed kind of flustered, I have a feeling she is a new doctor.  She’s very nice anyway.

Posey and Little Mister and I went for a walk, they both spotted a squirrel running across the street and strained trying to get me to let them chase it.  But of course I couldn’t, because that’s ridiculously dangerous.  Anyway, Posey yip yipped her protesting cry!

I went to school to talk about what I am doing in my “module.”  I’m supposed to be working on Adobe After Effects.  I should do that.

Chubb Rubb was really quiet, not many people showed up.  Halloween was more exciting because we went to Church Street and they blocked off the street so everyone could walk around in their outfits.  There were some good outfits!

+++++absense of a few hours++++++

I’m back!  Was trying to work on my essay.  I found out I only have one essay due this week, so that was really nice to know.  I’ve now got three pages, but probably one page is just copies of citations.  I signed up for Jstor because I was going nuts trying to get this one article and I couldn’t access it through the Jstor Ryerson has, I could only access it through this one Jstor thing that I needed a special account for.  So now I have it.  Short article too! Whew! Freaking Jstor!

I’m tired.  I took my night meds at 9 and they are kicking in.  I have to get up early tomorrow for school, so I should sleep soon.  Posey is warming my feet under the covers.  Little Mister is snoozing too.

Someone close to me is depressed and it’s kind of rubbing off on me.  I am gonna try and see a counselor at the school.  Also my hair is a mess and I need to get it cut.  I might do that tomorrow.  Also I haven’t painted my nails in a really long time, and I think that might help me feel better, more myself anyway.  I should really just do a bunch of self care stuff.  And pace myself with all this school stuff.