I didn’t get my artist fee from my distributor which makes me wonder if my bank information is even correct over there. They could be sending it to someone else’s account, I don’t know! I sent them an email and got an autoresponse that they won’t be back until the middle of January. So that sucks. I have been asking my mom for money and I’m just tired of it and FINALLY my rent cheque went through and didn’t bounce, but with all the things autopaying out of my account I can’t reliably be sure I am going to have the rent at any time. Like I will have it sit in there and all these things autopay and take it. It’s frustrating. I was hoping to get paid my first payment from a gig, but found out today I won’t get it until late January. My Toronto Art Council grant likely won’t be deposited until January so that’s not gonna save me either. I also have to find money for rent again soon for January.

I made an appointment with the bank for Thursday so I can take out what is left of my RSP, but that won’t go through for like, a week. But at least it would give me hopefully enough to pay my rent. Which isn’t even a lot compared to Toronto rents, but I’m still dead broke and no one is in a hurry to pay me.

I did talk about this on my facebook though and some friends sent me enough money that I could get some groceries. Which is good because I was like, down to eggs and cheese. But I’m still poor and there’s still things I need to do. I have some money on my transit pass at least, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. And a goodfood box is coming for me on Thursday and it has nice things in it, so hopefully that helps. I still need to get a chicken for Christmas dinner, but I’m hoping to do that on Saturday so it doesn’t sit around for too long. I also need a panetone. Is that how many n’s pannetone has? I feel like it’s wrong. Maybe it needs two t’s. I don’t know I’m hungry and can’t spell. I did have cheesy eggs tho so I’m not like, as miserable as I was earlier today.

I HATE POVERTY! And I hate when people take weeks to process payments. And I hate poverty Christmases! I called the food bank and made an appointment, hoping I could get something soon, but I can’t go until January 12th. So I’m glad my friends sent me money but also it really shouldn’t be like this. People/Corporations/Funders legit owe me thousands of dollars but I can’t access it at all until mid to late January. What’s the point? Even fucking welfare makes sure to pay people just before Christmas, even tho that usually fucks them over when January comes. It just is all awful and I’m bummed out that I supposedly have a career but at the same time was gonna research where to get a free Christmas dinner, and was wondering about panhandling just so I could afford to eat something.

ALSO of course I have to pay this ridiculous developer membership so that Apple will notarize my video game, and it just seems like a cynical money grab. All it has to do is process something ONCE and that is it. I’m probably going to cancel it as soon as I’m done with it. But it’s causing me to wait to release my game and it pisses me off. AHHHHH. I hate it. And I hate that I have to get rid of the last of my savings just so I can pay January rent. And I hate that I’ve been working on a feature film for years and no one is funding it. It just feels unjust. I’ve also been sidelined in a project I did this past year because the producer was laterally violent towards me and I had to cut them off from accessing me. So now the co-director of that project gets all the credit in all the publicity, even though I wrote and directed almost half the project. But I just can’t let people be violent towards me in my work life, I will not accept it. It’s too bad because it was a good project. But whatever, I can’t fix the world. I can just struggle lol.

I guess this is where I should write that I’m grateful for something because Christmas blah blah blah. I am grateful for my friends and family. But also really disappointed and tired of struggling and tired of lateral violence. So yeah if you wonder “Theo worked on that project I wonder why he’s not in any of the publicity?” It’s because I’ve been excluded on purpose.

I am in this weird twilight period of being poor but also expecting thousands of dollars to be deposited. It’s coming I swear to god! Today I walked to the corner store and got two cans of beans so I have something to eat with my wieners, and I remembered Lumpy Space Princess and her beans. One time when I was also poor (ha ha funny how common that experience is for me) I was partying with this guy I met through his girlfriend I was Livejournal friends with and we were up all night (on drugs) and then walked to the gas station to get something to eat and he like, bought a can of kidney beans. That is poor! I also ate those kidney beans. Poor people.

But these beans are great (also baked beans which is better than kidney beans) and also amazing because I will eventually have access to enough money to get groceries. But I checked my old emails and the last time I got a TAC grant approval in Dec, it didn’t get deposited until late January. AHHHH fuck. I mean for tax reasons maybe that’s good, but also my accountant knows how to transfer a grant to the following year so it kind of doesn’t matter. Ahhh did I pay his retainer? Shit I should check!

I am getting closer to releasing my video game. I have three things to do: Fix the credits, get App notarized by Apple, and make an app Icon so it is more visible as an app than that little blank App icon you automatically get. I know how to do the credits but I don’t know how to do the other two things. But I’m gonna learn I guess! The same as all the other technical things I had to relentlessly google to solve.

I took a break to go do work and I’m happy to say there is now an app icon for my game, and also I’m on the way to figuring out how to get this notarized, and also the credits are done! I just need to import these files again and replace the old files and then also figure out how to use these Unity DevOps tools to finish notarizing. And then build my app and test it and see if I can break it. I kind of don’t worry about glitchy things. Like I think you might be able to kill someone if you get to the door before the stake gets to you, which I have done accidentally. It’s a good trick I’m not pressed about it. That person just shows up again when you come back to the level. I also need to make the door triggers smaller so you don’t get automatically sucked in so easily. BUT I think after that it’s ready. I missed the Halloween window of releasing a game, but hopefully some people want to buy their loved one a weird video game for Christmas or Hanukkah. It’s not gonna be ready for Hanukkah though. BUT maybe Christmas.

I honestly thought making the app icon would be too hard, but it was ridiculously easy. Just like the other day when I put captions on some videos and also discovered that was easy. This is the icon:

I think it looks awesome. Originally I was going to go with Carmilla’s Head, but I think the fangs look way better. The fangs were the first things I drew for the game. And they only show up on the start/quit scene. And also more immediately identifiable as a Vampire mouth. Also it’s a sexy vampire mouth. Also the design is just really nice. ALSO I just hope it makes people want to play it. I think my Bipolar Journey video game got taken offline, so I think I’m going to try and do a new release of that in an easier place to download. Also I can also finally make an app icon for it which would be nice.

I’m making a few newish but older videos public, so you can go check my video page if you want to see the others. But anyway I thought I should try and hype this video up a bit because it is really popular on the festival/class talk circuit and I am pretty proud of it. Spoiler: the eggs never became embryos, which I talk about in another video called 13 Eggs (which is on private but if you want a password to see it please ask). But this is still an important video even though time has passed.

Anyway today I finally started putting captions on my videos. I hadn’t done it for so long! And I had a bunch of srt files just hanging around waiting, YEARNING, to be put on my videos so more people can access them. Unfortunately they aren’t ALL there, and some of them are really random. Like captions in German or Spanish and not English captions. Things like that. I am getting grant money soon tho and I’m going to try and make more English captions with REV because it’s built into Vimeo now if I want. The translations really depend on where my videos get screened and if the org makes subs for them. Often they do, and I do play in a lot of different countries, so it’s gonna be an ongoing project to include them now that I know how fucking easy it is to add captions to Vimeo. Also a lot of newer work was translated into Spanish when I was in Buenos Aires, so I’m hoping to get those srt files.

I also started a Ko-fi, which is definitely helpful because I think people are amenable to tossing a few dollars my way if they see one of my videos and like it, but less into signing up for a monthly Patreon subscription. I think five dollars is cheap though, I wish people could pay more. I know there’s the option though if they really want to send more money. And putting in five dollars makes people not feel so cheap I guess because it’s framed as a tip. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how it goes! So far no donations, but I’ve been seeing people follow me on Vimeo more recently so I tried to put the Ko-fi link on most of my videos.

I also figured out how to finally change my name in all the places on Vimeo so it’s a little less sketchy when I go there. Because dragging around the history of my deadname feels like being weighed down. So that’s good. I don’t really care if I see it lots of places, but the places I have control over I would like to be accurate.

I was gonna go to the gym today, but I don’t have money for my YMCA membership because I’m waiting for grant money to get deposited and also trying to keep my rent money in there so the rent cheque doesn’t bounce a SECOND time this month. It already bounced because I was 71 dollars short. And then I borrowed money from my mom and Visa took all of it by force with the banks permission, so I had to borrow AGAIN. Omg. It’s hell. I know money is coming but this just sucks. FREAKING HELL.

I also decided against continuing to write a grant for Ontario Creates. It was just a lot more work than I was prepared for, and also I want to apply for Canada Council money for that project later and I don’t know if that is still eligible or if it turns into a Corporate project. And I much prefer making video games that are art projects more than corporate projects. So yeah, that took a bunch of work off my schedule and frees me up to do my actual creative work and a short term gig I have.

Carmilla the Lonely is much closer to being able to release. I just need to finish the credits and then figure out how to notarize it with Apple so it will open on Macs instead of triggering the automatic Apple Malware alert. So yeah, a lot of work but honestly much less than before. I resolved most of the issues that came up in testing so I think it plays better. Also it’s harder to get blood because you need consent which was important to the idea of the video game.

Also Christmas is coming! I am spending it alone. Well, not totally alone, my faithful little hound will be with me. I’m looking forward to cheese plates and chocolates.

Anyway here is my Ko-fi!
https://ko-fi.com/theocuthand

I went to the Governor General Awards this weekend to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori get their Governor General Awards. It was a pretty cute scene. They had four years of awards to get through because they paused doing the in person awards ceremony during the pandemic. We got to sit in Rideau Hall and the award winners went up and someone read part of the nomination for them and then they got to see the Governor General Mary Simon who gave them their award and took a photo. It was in this wild room that was made to look like a tent, a pink and white tent. And there was a big painting of the Coronation of Queen Victoria at the front of the room.

My Mom asked permission to hug the Governor General and then they hugged which was really sweet. It’s not against protocol apparently. It took a while to get through everyone but the whole event was very joyful which was nice. Then we got fed some fancy foods. There were all kinds of little desserts too. And then we did a tour of Rideau Hall, except for the upstairs because that’s where the private residence is. But we got to see the rooms they would meet people in or keep their art works. And we got to see the Greenhouse which was also very cool. So many orchids! Doing way better than my orchids.

My mom asked the guards about the guards out front with bearskin hats and apparently it’s Grizzly bearskin and they dye the fur black. I always wondered! Because Black Bear fur is not as thick as those hats seem to be.

I got to see lots of friends and my cousin Bianca also and it was just a nice occasion. Also I got to see my Mom which was nice.

After there was a party but we were too tired so instead we went to LL Bean where I got a new winter coat and Mom got some winter fleece lined pants. But I discovered later that LL Bean didn’t take out the security tag! So blahhh I got back to Toronto and didn’t want to look for my receipt (I don’t even know if I still have it) so I wrecked a fork trying to take the security tag out of the pocket and then finally gave up and cut a small hole to remove it. I am meaning to sew the hole shut (and it’s in my pocket so it’s not visible) but we’ll see how the executive dysfunction works and if I can get to it in a timely manner before losing an airpod into the lining.

Anyway now I’m back in Toronto. I am very tired because I got up early this morning and went to boxing class for noon and I exercised real hard and now I feel all achey. I used a heating pad to try and soothe myself but I think I need to do it again. I really want to be able to go back to the gym this week too because I like lifting weights.

People were pretty good about my name and pronouns at the Governor General Awards weekend which was nice, and people who messed up apologized which was kind. I actually misgendered myself when I introduced myself to the Governor General. I said “I’m Ruth’s daught-SON!” and she was just like “Ok” and I said nice to meet her and then I think I ran off because I was hungry. Even me!

Also I got to wear a suit at the Governor General Awards and it was really interesting. I was always so sure it would be way too hot, but it was fine. I could have wore it all day but I changed when we got back to the hotel. This was the first time I wore the suit for an actual event so that was nice. I have a grey suit jacket too but not the pants. I think I’m gonna try and get the pants tho so I have two full suits. The pants in my blue suit though are too big.

Most of my clothes are too big now, since my body shape changed and I lost some weight. A lot of my shirts are 2X and I’m XL to L now. Also a lot of shirts were deliberately baggy to hide my chest and now I want my chest to be more visible as a flat and hopefully soon to be muscly chest. I spent a LOT of money when I was in the Whitney Biennial and upgraded my wardrobe, and now I have to slowly build up my wardrobe in the right size again.

I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political trans issues have gotten recently and so hopefully that will let me get some new jeans so I have pants that fit. Tight shirts are also on the list!

I’m going to Ottawa tomorrow to see my Mom and my Auntie Lori both get their Governor General Awards in Visual Art. There’s a lot of people getting them because they have to get through all the people who won them during the pandemic. So it should be a time. I think it’s a luncheon. I hope they have fancy sandwiches. Or something! I’m gonna wear my suit for the first time. Although I wore it for a documentary, but only because they specifically asked me to wear the suit. BUT this will be my first official event wearing it. I also am gonna have to spend some time Friday morning learning how to tie a tie again. I meant to learn and practice (and I have done it a few times in my life) but I didn’t practice. Because to be honest other things seemed more pressing. But now I will probably look a little lopsided in the photos. Unless I get it perfectly, you never know.

Side note of fun thing before I get into sad things: I’ve been noticing this cool thing when I touch my nipples where they are still numb but the memory of what my nipples felt like just comes to mind, so it kind of helps feel like there is sensation. Like a ghost sensation! It’s not an actual physical sensation, it’s more like a memory of a sensation. But it’s nice, I hope someday to feel more but also hope lovers don’t stay away from them because it could help me reconfigure the way I feel in my body. If that makes sense.

I’m doing a lot of internal processing about my life and also the things happening in the world and also concerns about friends of mine and their safety. Every time I open Instagram there’s some new sad video from Gaza that breaks my heart in a new way. Today I saw a video of a mother holding her small dead son and saying she had 580 injections to have him. It was heart-wrenching. I only did one round of IVF and that was so hard on my body and emotions, I can’t imagine going through that so many times and then finally having a long sought after child only to have him be murdered by a brutal war. And this was just one video today, there’s so many other videos of so many other heartaches, thousands and thousands.

AND I watched a report about sexual violence and murder on Oct 7th and that was brutal too. You can look it up if you want but the details are really disturbing so be warned. I feel a responsibility to be conscious of the events which lead to all this. And yeah I know there’s a long history of occupation behind this as well so the events go way back. But if I was a survivor or close to someone who died or was assaulted or kidnapped in that attack I think I would be really upset at how there wasn’t really space to grieve it before all kinds of hellish things started happening to the other side. None of it has been okay.

AND ALSO just the two sides thing is weird because so many other countries are involved in this situation, like Canada itself supports Israel and I really criticize that because this bombing is relentless and genocidal. I know some people don’t like the words genocide or colonialism but it does look like that from my position as the survivor of a long range genocidal and colonial project. But really like why is Canada supporting this? (And side note why did we send military gear to Saudi Arabia a while back?) Why are we totally enabling brutal war crimes and repression? I know the real answer is that those are Canadian values according to how our government operates. Like yeah we pretend to be a polite country but there’s also military and police repression of Indigenous activists here. So it’s not an innocent country. Not to mention what our mining companies do abroad.

And I also see that there are things governments of countries want, and things their citizens want, and those things are often not aligned. And we have this pretence of democracy but really governments aren’t going to listen to their citizens, they are listening to larger forces like war profiteers who have good lobbyists and fossil fuel CEOs who give money to their campaigns and so on. It’s just frustrating. We’re also at this point in history where large quantities of money are concentrated into a small group of people, some of whom have batshit ideas like Elon Musk and his exploding cars and his “let’s not have safety glass” decisions.

AND it probably sounds so weird but really I’m just thinking fuck this would be the worst time ever to go manic.

I haven’t been manic since 2007, unless you count the mild hypomanias I’ve had which were just me being unusually happy. BUT MANIA omg. First thing of all is that I almost always try to start a revolution when I am manic, and that just ends up a big mess. Especially because no one wants to follow a revolutionary who is getting messages from pop songs and the television. Or I don’t know maybe they do now. Maybe people just want someone to take the wheel because Jesus isn’t cutting it. Ha ha omg. NO really though I am often embarrassed afterwards by my manifestos and all that ephemera from mania. I once had a burning where I burned all my stuff from my first mania. AND THEN three months later I was manic so yeah. Made more memories! Wheee!

But so far so good, haven’t been manic, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, I’m not sending tons of emails to people. I haven’t tracked down exes to send them mix tapes or whatever. I am being responsible and trying to stay aware of current events and hopefully not spin off into another world much to the chagrin of my friends and family. I have never had a psychosis in Toronto and I really hope I don’t. It’s just that people look at you different, or sometimes they think you’re like, forever broken and always gonna be manic. But really it usually resolves with meds and an unfortunate long depression. But being depressed AND embarrassed by all the things that happen while manic is a horrible feeling.

So yeah, trying to stay sane right now which I feel is something most of us are feeling. It’s a very distressing time. And then the rise of Islamophobia and Antisemitism is extremely disturbing. That war is far from Canada and yet it really is impacting people here. And also I just think about white supremacists and how much they must love this moment and how much recruiting they are trying to do. I’m trying to be more conscious of things I share on social media because I don’t want to share straight up propaganda for either side. I don’t know, I know things are going in a really bad direction and I have a lot of friends who are more directly affected by antisemitism and Islamophobia that I want to keep safe. I also think about how activists are getting criminalized here in Toronto specifically but also broadly in the world.

I’ve been called an activist. I don’t know if I feel like one. I think I have Opinions but I don’t know if they are helpful. They’re really not helpful here except now you know how fucked up I feel by this situation. I do know I have a bit of a public figure standing which means more people hear my Opinions. But it’s just hard for me, I am a questions person more than an answers person. And hopefully other people have answers but I really don’t, except that there should be a ceasefire and Palestinians deserve to stay in their lands. I do not have answers about how to resolve this though, it’s bigger and older than me.

I’ve been talking with my therapist about it all and she helped me get some new perspectives. Which I appreciate.

I just want a kinder more just world. And some days that seems very out of reach.

Anyway tomorrow I am going to Ottawa to see my Mom and my Auntie get their awards, and wear a suit, and maybe I can shake my fist at Parliament Hill as we go past it. My dog has a friend coming to stay with her. I’m generally safe and secure and warm and things do generally work out for me. I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make a video about my transition and how political things have gotten around trans people. So that’s good, I feel supported by my community. I have another grant I am working on now, and am going to hear from another grant next year. Just a lot of struggle trying to get my money situation back in a good place. I’ve been dodging calls from CRA but I have to call them next week and make a payment plan again. Being responsible! Ugh. How did I become an adult?

I went to the gym again today instead of hooking up with someone. So I did manage to make it 3 times this week. This morning I was rubbing my lower back before I got in the bathtub and it felt way more muscly, so I took a pic in the mirror and wow! My back is finally in the coveted Dorito shape. I wasn’t sure I was gonna get there. Transition can feel so slow when you’re really wanting it. But it’s been over a year and a half and my thighs and hips got skinny and my shoulders and back are way more muscled. I’m also working on my pecs and they look cute but not as muscly as I hoped. I know I have to start doing a short workout even on the days I don’t go to the gym. I just keep putting it off. I was also able to do the Gravitron today and the last time I went to the gym. So I feel way better about my upper body strength. I have a pull up bar in my house but I haven’t tried it in a long time. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if I can do anything with it.

I’m so happy my back is changing shape. I knew that shoulders can get broader on T and I was starting to see a difference in my profile pics in terms of how my shoulders look. But I hadn’t looked at my back in a long time.

I’m pretty happy with my transition overall. I am going up to 80mg a week on Monday, which is cool and I hope it helps. I’m really not sure about my body/facial hair situation. If it goes by matrilineal lines, that’s all Scottish stuff. And I’ve seen historical photos of Scottish men, they have GIANT beards. So I guess I am hopeful again, but also it might just be Cree genes and I won’t get a big beard. Like I think my Cree Grandpa had four facial hairs, it was very little of anything.

I’ve noticed I smell a lot better since top surgery healing is done. The binder was getting smelly, and before that all my sports bras and binders would get smelly. So now I just wear a shirt that I change every day and at the gym and it’s made my armpits smell much more subtle. Which is a relief because my bras would get RANK. Odiferous!

I think I want to record my voice more. I did record along the way, but mostly I didn’t use it for work things because I dunno, I was letting it become what it was becoming I guess. But I like my voice and normally I use it in my work so I’m probably gonna start making videos again. Like those personal monologue videos.

I’m doing good otherwise. I am halfway done my application for this job on Monday. I got all my references together so that’s the main thing I was stressed about. Now I just have to do my CV and teaching statement. I also found a grant I can apply to for developing my next video game, but it’s more of a corporate grant so I have to really put specific work into it. I’m basically just scrambling for money right now hoping I won’t be as broke in 2024 as I have been this year. It was a bum year! I did do a lot of work but some of the grants for this year came a while ago and so it was just trying to catch up. 2022 was way better.

But also I came out a year and a half ago and have been super insular about my transition and watching all the things happen. So it’s been a generative year and a half I suppose, but not “productive” as I would like. Although I did make that giant video game.

The video game is almost done but I’m putting it aside until this job application is in on Monday. I did fix a lot of things really fast though. It’s getting there! I’m almost ready to test a build of it again. I need to redo the credits tho.

I was able to buy casein protein again for my protein shakes. I was super getting into drinking that while I was working out, like in the evening before bed. Anyway I think I am gonna go do that right now.

My chest is settling in really well. I got the seroma drained a couple days ago (there were actually two!) and now that side of my chest is less swollen and I’m actually getting hope again that it will smooth down enough that I won’t need a revision. It was probably the most difficult part of my chest, it had a stitch coming out for a long time so it was inflamed, PLUS the seroma was causing swelling. It’s still getting over being inflamed from the stitch, I had to stop doing scar care on that one area because the skin was broken there and taping it wasn’t letting it heal. But it’s healed now and hopefully I can keep doing scar care on it a while longer and it will start fading too. None of my scars got raised so far which is good. I had a keloid on my bellybutton scar from my gallbladder surgery for a long time, so I know it can happen on me sometimes. It did flatten and fade after a number of years though but I didn’t know to do scar care on it so it was left all on it’s own. But anyway, so far so good. I’m not really expecting my scar to totally vanish, but it might be less noticeable eventually which could be cool.

I am applying for a teaching job. I might not get it. I was swearing off doing this for a while just because my career was paying me enough without teaching. Also I was concerned for my disability and my career and teaching and how much time I had. BUT ALSO I have a lot more energy since getting on testosterone, so really I might be able to do all of this. I’m also only applying for one teaching job, just to see. Like a sessional gig, not a full time job. It’s a job that requires almost all of my technical skills, so that’s exciting because I know that’s a very specific kind of person who could teach that course. Also it would be good for me to get more income in this house. It wouldn’t pay me enough to live, but with that AND the regular ongoing income I get from my film career, I think it could work out. So I am hopeful for that. But also hopefully whoever is hiring isn’t reading this and feeling pressured into hiring me. Because really I could make it either way. BUT this is a cool job and would help for a few months AND I know all about all the things for it.

Posey and I have been enjoying the change of seasons. Her little green sweater is coming out with us again. When I got her from her breeder, she came with the sweater. Like, it’s a specifically “female” dog anatomy sweater because there’s no long bare spot where a penis would go. And sweaters and coats that cover an entire tummy don’t really exist for dogs, and I feel bad for her because she’s a smooth so her tummy is like, bare skin. Poor pup! Anyway, I’ve never found another sweater that covers her whole tummy, so mostly that’s been her winter clothes. That and her horse blanket jacket. But I have not really found an ideal dog jacket for her. There was this like, super fancy dachshund jacket store that I’ve looked extensively at, but the jackets are too pricey for us.

She would look like a really boogie dog if she had one of those jackets.

ANYWAY.

It’s weird thinking of who reads this blog. Like it’s really just such an overshare ridiculous blog and I don’t think I have any ambitious aims in writing it. It’s an outlet. I sometimes wonder what will happen when I pass away and the bills for this website stop getting paid and where this blog will disappear to. It’s been a writing project for a long time and some people talked with me about maybe making a book out of it. I tried to save up some posts that could be a good book but I think then I got to the year I had my last manic episode and got overwhelmed.

I’m busy with other projects. I got back into finishing my video game yesterday. FINALLY there is a specific bool for “IsConsensual” and you need consent to be able to feed on this particular character. And if you don’t have consent, you’re just draining her blood and not getting your needs met and eventually you’ll get staked. I was surprised actually how easy it was to program when I looked at the code for the other bool “InLove.” It just clicked so easy.

I also opened up the responses to my video game play testers form. Only one person responded (ugh! After all those people got a copy) BUT she gave really good responses and I know a couple other things I can fix now with the sound. Also I have to test the dialogue again on the build to make sure it’s not going too fast. So that’s good. I am trying to track down my other friend to see if she can help me build the image for the app. Like, the block you click on to open the app on a desktop computer. The ICON I guess, I dunno. I’m just a boy! I already know I just want it to be the vampire’s head.

Aside from that, trying to figure out what to do with my unwieldy debt I owe to the government and Visa. I’ve heard about some other people’s debt to the government tho and I am LUCKILY not that bad. It’s bad but like, I could get it down. I talked to a financial advisor but he gave me bad advice which could have ended up preventing me from getting a grant for seven years so like, NO I don’t think so. I just gotta make more money I guess. Like it’s not that I am handling my money completely wrong, it’s just that there isn’t a lot of it right now.

ALSO I really think this video game is SO CLOSE to being able to be released, and then people will see that I made something this past year. It’s very thankless tho, video games. Like, people might tell me about playing it. Or they might not say anything more likely. And then I’ll be wondering if there was an audience for it at all. My Bipolar Journey game got attention but it was also floating around for a long time. I did get featured on VICE for it tho. And I dunno, I could probably submit it to ImagineNATIVE next year because they have space for new media projects.

I redid my budget this morning and put my cleaning service on pause for a while. And told my personal trainer I can’t hire her again right now because I’m so broke. Anyway it cut a lot from my budget and it’s way more reasonable now. I still need to get out of debt tho, and also make sure there’s regular money coming in. My money is made up of so many little gigs from institutions and universities and it can take WEEKS to process. So that’s always a struggle, and trying to remember who owes me money and remembering to check if I owe someone forms so I can get paid. There’s multiple places owing me money right now and it’s just like, ugh I hope it comes a little quicker.

It would be nice to win an award with a large amount of money attached so I could wipe out my debt and go back to that blissful debt free life I had for six months after my student loans were paid off. It was like, a good feeling. Owing no one anything.

The thing is if we get Cows and Plows I can get hopefully $15,000 and pay off my credit card and a big chunk of taxes and I’d feel way better. But my rez is still all arguing over Cows and Plows and what to do and it’s just stressful. It’s this mythical money right now. Some rez gave their members $35,000 each so there’s this like, tension where some members want more. And some of it gets reinvested into our community which is good. But also there’s always been this tension amongst NDNs over whose rez gave better per caps and Christmas bonuses and stuff. Like one rez gave full turkeys for Christmas and I think this other rez gave like, half a chicken. And we aren’t a separated people, so people from different reserves know what the other reserves are giving. And it’s awkward as fuck. Disparities among reservations.

I know how to be poor tho, like I do remember all the things you do. There was a point in my life where I could estimate how many groceries I could get for how much and be accurate down to the penny. And that involved including tax in my head because they don’t put the real prices on most food in Canada. I hate having to calculate for taxes in my head tho it’s so annoying.

AND ALSO like geez just give me the $15,000 already I want to pay bills.

Anyway I am being responsible today I guess because I also made a doctor’s appointment and also got an appointment to see my surgeon to get this seroma drained. I hope that’s the end of it really. I’m tired of it coming back. I also have a plan to balance my household budget by unsubscribing to a couple more things and seeing about getting NIHB to pay for my therapy. I think my therapist just has to do some paperwork and I’ll be able to get paid back for future appointments for over a year. Which would help me out a lot. I think there’s things I can do to improve this money issue. I’m also thinking about teaching maybe one or two classes, if I can get them. I mean who knows right? Maybe if it’s just one or two classes I can do it.

I am seeing some more money come in, and I will get some grant results in February. But I gotta cut back until it’s better. No more frivolous purchases!

OK so first of all, yes I am doing what I can to ask for a ceasefire. I’ve started a faxing practice where every morning I amend my last letter to Justin Trudeau and fax it to his office. I’ve only done this twice so far but it feels like SOMETHING. I don’t know, I am going to a protest in the next while. I repost things online about the genocide in Gaza. I’ve also been learning more about antisemitism and trying to make sure I’m not posting anything questionable like that because I am also worried about my Jewish friends and loved ones who are scared. Today I walked Posey and saw a poster that said “Free Palestine, Ceasefire Now” and I thought about taking a pic, but then I noticed how someone had worked really hard to try and tear as much of it off the pole as they could. And it’s still legible but just the idea of someone taking that much time to try and remove it made me sad. And I didn’t want to take a pic of that.

I have no eloquent summary of those current events, so here’s a buffer sentence between my earnest desires for a just world, and my more tawdry desires I’ve just been noticing that I find kind of interesting and wanted to write about.

SO that being said…

I’ve been watching my sexuality shift around over the last while. Some days life just feels too awful to get horny about anything. But then also there’s been this like, low level hum of a desire that is starting to get noisy. And it’s very specific and I haven’t felt it this strongly in a while. It’s just this desire to be submissive with someone. Like a deep LONGING to be submissive for someone.

But also I am like, so ridiculously particular about who I feel submissive for. It’s like a demisexual type of submissiveness that needs a deep meaningful relationship to go with it. And to be honest I’ve only felt that way about maybe three or four people in my lifetime so far. I mean like there’s people I would bottom for as a masochist but if they tried to get me to be submissive I’d probably be like “Nahhh fuck you.” Ha ha omg. Like most of the time I do feel too tough to sub for anyone. But when I do feel subby it’s like, so rare and precious and damn I just wish I had someone I could feel that for. I miss that. It’s just living as a day dream in my head now. Like in moments of stillness I start thinking “It would be nice to be obedient for someone. It would be nice to be owned.” Which if you know me as a person is just not the kind of person I am, like I’m not subservient for anyone really. But in fantasies it just would be nice.

I wonder if I will ever find the person who clicks with that? It seems unlikely the older I get. I can see why some people just end up in vanilla relationships. But damn that’s a nice fantasy. And anyone who inspired that feeling in me would have to be pretty amazing.

ANYWAY besides that, I’ve just been smoking this homegrown weed a friend grew for me this summer. It’s fucking amazing! And I found a couple seeds in it, so hopefully next year we can grow it again. It is Apple Fritter weed. Which is one of my favourite doughnuts. I also love Dutchies but Tim Hortons stopped selling them. I don’t know where to find a Dutchie anymore.

I felt sad today after reading all the newish news (Meta has stopped allowing news in Canada, so some of our news gets delayed) and I ended up playing some rounds of MarioKart. I was playing as Bowser for the first time. Usually I am Tanooki Mario. But I wanted to see if Bowser was a better fit. I don’t think I’m a big enough man to feel comfortable being Bowser tho so I might have to keep looking for a new Mariokart character. Maybe I’ll be that ghost, or the skull guy.

I’m also just like, doing work and hoping my money will come in again. It’s so choppy. I need to get a more even income stream. I actually started rethinking my prior position on University teaching which was NO WAY and now I’m like “Welllllllll it would be nice to get a regular income.” Ahhhhh. I don’t want to teach tho but also I should not say that in case in the future I apply for a teaching job and they do a background check. OK so I DO like teaching and have done it in workshops, but I am apprehensive of academia. But all the art departments I’ve gone to do talks at in the last year have been very baffled by me not having a teaching job. So maybe I should? Ahhh.

OK but that is not an inner voice debate for the interwebs.

I really like Toronto tho. But the last two teaching jobs that intrigued me were in the USA. BUT politically things look kind of dicey down there. BUT ALSO Canada kinda sucks too.

EVERYWHERE SUCKS.

I have to make the best decisions for my dogs quality of life. So far she is happy. But she is also overdue on her next vet appointment because I don’t have the money for all her annual tests and shots. And it’s not coming!

I’m so tired! Today my friend Aylan and her son and I went to pick up Posey from her dog sitters, who is a ways away so it took a while. Also on the way we stopped at Six Nations to see our friend Terri. It was a good day, but a long day and me and my pup are sleepy. It was great seeing Posey again, she was excited, I was excited. She was wagging her tail and if I had a tail it would have been wagging too. We just love each other! I missed her so much! She was away since the beginning of October, so we had a month away from each other. A long time! I’m glad her sitter loves her so much and they have fun together.

I didn’t get my travel grant to go to London. Which sucks. But my Mom offered to pay for it since she just got an award and also we’d been wanting to go to London for a while anyway. So I guess we had a vacation. It still sucks not being supported for a travel grant because you really don’t know if you can afford it until you’re back and find out if you got the grant or not. BUT ALSO it concerns me because I have consistently gotten all the travel grants I’ve applied for for the last decade or so, and the only difference between then and now is that I’m trans and the grant was to travel with a film about being trans. And it was to a relatively prominent film festival too, so it sucks that I didn’t get it. Suspish.

My income has generally gone down a bit since I came out as trans, which is something I was worried would happen. I know so much of film industry stuff is being appealing to the masses, and marginalized people just aren’t as appealing according to a capitalist reading of audiences. So that’s frustrating. I’ve also posted on some social media in support of Free Palestine and ending the genocide and I know people are getting blacklisted around that. So that’s another concern. I’m honestly so relieved I chose not to go into academia, because of the silencing of scholars on these issues. And I feel like if I didn’t say anything I would feel like I wasn’t living up to my principles. BUT does it mean I will never get to make a feature film, and be confined to only doing a life of low budget short videos? I think it would rob the world of some great art, but also honestly probably some part of me feels like if I am punished for saying what I think is unjust, then that’s what happens. And if the world doesn’t want to fund my projects, then I’ll probably just keep making them and do sex work or something. Like, I know what it’s like to spend years doing DIY projects. And I know how to be poor. And I am not losing some job with benefits, I am just getting a slow trickle of money instead of what it was before I came out.

I was trying to encourage a friend to keep asking people out because she got rejected recently, but so did I this morning so it was kind of funny timing. I was telling her to try try again with someone new. And then I said something like “I’ve been rejected by so many amazing people!” Which is true the people I have asked out on more romantic dates this past year were all really amazing but not interested. So I guess at least I am picking amazing people. Not aligned yet I guess.

The strangest thing happened to me, I was talking about my last broken heart in the car with my friend today and after I was done telling them all about it, Snapchat sent me a friend suggestion and the friend was my ex. It was kind of eerie! I know it’s probably just listening or something creepy. But it always feels like “Is the Universe sending me a sign?” when really it probably just went through contacts and found someone with the same name as who I was telling the story about.

OR I DON’T KNOW maybe it is the Universe. They’ve been heavily on my mind and I’m just so tired and frustrated of myself and not being able to just move on. I feel like a failure in the art of letting go. And it seems like they’ve completely let go of me, they probably don’t even really remember me by now. And I’m just stuck with these reminders and haunted by these memories. And the sad thing is I really still wish it could work out some how, but I am so stuck and I can’t message them because they told me not to. Like I wish they had left it open so we could have talked a few months later, but NO they wanted no contact. Ever ever ever. So what am I supposed to do about that? Nothing, there’s nothing I can do and it’s the worst feeling. They could talk to me but not the other way around.

I also had an awkward session with my therapist recently around current events and I feel anxious about that now too. This world is getting so ugly and things are getting torn apart everywhere because of it. It really sucks.

I don’t know if things will get better. I wish they would but it looks pretty dire out there. I also think the refusal of the Canadian and American governments to listen to their citizens about issues like not sending arms to Israel has demonstrated pretty clearly that we don’t live in the democracies we are pretending we live in. Like the United States government listens to big money lobbyists more than their constituents, I think that’s a government run by capitalism more than democracy. And I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with Canada even tho I live here. We’re stuck with the Liberals and if we go Conservative it’s gonna get so shitty and fascist and I’ll probably lose my access to legal HRT. ARGH! And the NDP DID finally turn around and start asking for a ceasefire, but there was a long period where they went along with all the other parties in terms of the bombing of Gaza, which was really disheartening to me as a progressive. I really don’t know where a safe place is anymore. Fascism is rising all over the place, and based on my reading about what happened with the Nazis after the war, it makes sense. Most of them weren’t punished, most of them were welcomed to other countries all over the world. It just went more places. It is very disturbing.

And I was reading about the rise in hate crimes in Canada, and there’s some against Muslims, but a LOT against Jewish people. Like it definitely spiked. And that’s really scary and something I am trying to remember in all of this. I don’t want people to be unsafe because of what is happening. And also just the fact that I can never have a view of the world from all these different perspectives because I don’t have lived experiences in those communities. I can try to empathize. But I’m limited, and the fact that Meta decided Canadians can’t share news stories has meant I don’t see these events as easily unless I deliberately seek out news sources. Which I was just lazy about before and would read what friends shared on Facebook. But now I have like, a responsibility to actually keep on top of this stuff.

I read about the Hellfire Missiles today and saw a blurred video of a man with his legs chopped off in Gaza. Like it’s basically a missile with giant blades around it to chop people up. It’s disgusting, what kind of fucking monster would imagine something like that into existence? This genocide is bringing new horrors to the world every day. And yet we’re getting blacklisted for saying it’s wrong? Ugh fuck.