Category Archives: Body Mods

Upped

Bipolar, Body Mods, Mad Pride

I’ve had my Wellbutrin upped! I think it’s going well. I’m still emotional, but I mean, it’s not going to GET RID of my emotions. They kind of have to stay there doing things so I can function as a human being. If I wanted to get rid of my emotions I know several heavy tranquilizers I could request but since I’m not actually in a state where those are required, it’s fine. Ha ha sounds so serious. Really I was just thinking about Zyprexa which I still hate and am glad I don’t take anymore.

So I feel a little cheerier. God, regulating moods is so weird. I wonder how regular people do it? It’s really gonna take a month to see the full effect of this change.

I miss my old psychiatrist tho. She was awesome. She kept paper notes, and had an actual lie down couch in her office although I always just sat in a chair. She always went through the standard questions every session.

Actually so did my GP who changed my meds.

What are they? They ask about your energy levels, your sleep, your appetite, if you are displaying manic symptoms (I forget which ones they ask but my old psychiatrist would always ask if I was sending a bunch of emails because that’s what I did when I was manic in 2007. So long ago!), if you are irritable, and then they ask if you are depressed (but I think they word it differently) and if you have suicidal or self harm thoughts/behaviours. My psychotherapist goes through the same list. I guess it’s the standard Bipolar check in or something. It would get annoying if everyone checked in with me that way. Like friends. The pharmacist. The cashier at No Frills.

It’s been 13 years since I’ve been diagnosed. And 9 years since my last manic episode. I think I am doing pretty good, except for this depression. I think a lot of people accept being depressed because it feels like we’ll never find the perfect balance and the other option is to be manic and that’s just awful and is a really good way to alienate friends and lovers. But surely there must be a decent middle ground.

Today I loaded my pups into their crates and we flew halfway across the country to Saskatoon. They did good. I was worried, but it gets easier every time we do a flight together. Posey didn’t even get carsick and barf on the way to the airport, and she almost ALWAYS barfs. Actually I think her carsickness is starting to go away, because we got a ride home from a lesbian soccer match and she didn’t barf in the car then either. She didn’t even drool.

It’s very weird being here because of course, now Grandpa isn’t here to visit. And I used to visit him all the time, so it feels very out of sorts for him to be just gone. Mom and I are going to drive up to the reserve and visit him and Grandma’s grave. I want to think of something to leave for them. Maybe candies or chocolates. A lot of people there leave cigarettes on the graves, but Grandpa didn’t smoke. He did like chocolate though.

I feel like my life is evolving into a different phase right now. I guess that makes sense. I’m turning 39 next year. That’s almost 40! It’s a nice evolution. I’m starting to not care so much about what other people think.

I saw Dolly Parton this past Friday. She was awesome. I was really impressed to see how casually she incorporated her own accommodations into her performance as an older woman. Like she had different props to sit on, like a pedestal and a pretend porch and a pew and sometimes she sat at a piano and sometimes she just sat on a stool. Like yah! Of course! Don’t make yourself stand all the time and burn out! Also she had a really good system of telling stories around all her songs so that she wasn’t singing ALL the time. It gave her voice a bit of a break. But it was still SUCH an amazing show! She did my three favourite songs and a whole bunch I didn’t even know were hers. Ha ha of course I wanted to go mostly because I loved her in Steel Magnolias. Ha ha ha. We were pretty far from her, she looked like a glowing apparition. But she was awesome. I heard a rumour that she has full tattooed sleeves on her arms, and that’s why she always wears long sleeved shirts. And the crowd was funny because there were so many Christians and so many Queers!

I think I am ready to love someone. I think I’ve been ready for a while. But it’s feeling like I finally have more to give to a relationship than in the past. For one thing, I’ve been sober for four years, and I am mostly out of some old addiction habits I used to have, like behaviours. Just weird things addicts tend to do.

I think my main problem with forming relationships is that I get really impatient and want things to happen really fast, when maybe going slower is a wiser decision. Like I know in the past I’ve been really fast to sleep with women, because I wasn’t sure how else to convince them to stick around. Which is kind of sad. And also it meant that intimacy developed differently than if there had been some more flirting and getting to know each other. And I think, unfortunately, a lot of my exes maybe never would have even been my sweethearts if I had taken the time to get to know them and see how they treat people, me in particular.

Lately my problem is picking people so goddamned unavailable! Actually that’s been an ongoing problem. And it’s not that they are bad people, it’s just that they are not queer or not single or not close by. I don’t know why I get so crushed out so hardcore. I’ve always been that way.

But it’s funny, AND it goes back to the earlier thing in this post. My cousin told me that because we’re bipolar, it’s just the way we are. We feel things a lot more deeply than other people. Which to some people might seem sweet, and to other people might seem creepy. Like that emotional resonance is just dialed way up when you have a mood disorder.

The last woman I had sex with was also bipolar. I thought we could be good together based on that, but obviously it didn’t happen. I mean, there were other reasons I was interested. I don’t go trolling lesbian bipolar support groups. There is a tendency for bipolar people to date each other though, which was really the point I wanted to make.

Once one of my friends told me she had never been in love, and I was kind of flummoxed. Like, never? God, I was in love when I was 14. And it went on from there. I’ve never had a problem falling for someone, it’s just actually making something work out that never happened. I don’t want to come across as a loveslut though, cause really I am SO particular about who I fall for.

I have been awake for SO LONG! OMG I woke up at 6am EST and now it’s almost midnight in Saskatchewan (which changes time zones so I can never keep up but it’s 2 hours behind).

Yikes!

Body Mods, Filmmaking, Homophobia

Get thee hence to the Straight Path

There’s some new anti-homo Christian propaganda out with the charming title “It’s Not Gay.” It shows former gays talking about the men living the the twilight world, and the unsavory side of homosexual life that gets sanitized from the press. I should be angry, but I find it pathetic, and I feel sorry for the x-gays losing the chance to have fulfilling sex by easing on down the Straight and Narrow. But I admit, I had to crack up at this review:

“This is the a very good video. I ordered this and my son had a girl friend the next day. I couldn’t believe it. I love the part in the movie of the former gays. I wonder if they are still on the straight path?”

I wish I had a girlfriend tomorrow. Boyfriends are too easy to get, they’re not a challenge at all. It’s like the difference of getting into grad school compared to getting into community college. It’s late, my metaphors are falling apart.

I’m applying to the Toronto thing tomorrow, I was really good about it. The last time I was applying and missed the deadline I was hole punching in a frantic and running around shrieking. This time I just had to print stuff out and fill out the form again. However, I did hit a snag when I went to package it all up. My support material walked away. Two unassuming VHS tapes just decided to bugger off. I’ve been tripping over them since October, but now that I’m ready to actually use them, they’re awol. Support material isn’t supposed to do that to me. Support material is supposed to listen to my needs!

Anyway, I still need to get this in Xpress post tomorrow at lunch, but it’s late and I’m giving up the hunt until the morning when they will be in their places with sunshiny faces.

My tattoos are at the itchy part, aaaaahhhh! I keep scratching them without meaning to. Most of the scabby has already fallen off, it’s just those last bits that are just hanging on, I can see a couple places that might need touch ups, but they look pretty good. I can’t see my neck one very well though.

Body Mods

Yes, It REALLY Does Hurt

I got tattooed today, it didn’t take long, only an hour and a half, and I love them! It’s funny, sitting down for a tattoo at first you think about how much it’s going to hurt and that it’s basically a commitment to a specific amount of pain for a specific amount of time. And then the stencil is on and the gun is going and as soon as it starts there’s no turning back, unless you’re willing to walk around with a line of a tattoo or a face or a little hand or whatever. My tattoo artist told me very few people quit a tattoo and never return. It’s true. My armbands were taking quite a few hours, probably five hours at least, no, more like six, and I had to keep coming back for sittings because I would just hit the pain threshold after two hours. Ugh. And hitting your threshold is kind of scary because unlike hardcore BDSM scenes, your tattoo artist isn’t going to wrap you in a blanket and cuddle you until you’re back on the ground.

So yes, pain. I think the fact that you do have to sit for a long time enduring pain is part of what makes tattoos so attractive. I read that people use local anesthetic sometimes. I think that’s wimp talk, but I’m a jerk about stuff like that. Even numbing ointment for piercings makes me laugh.

The most painful part of tattooing is doing the line work. Jesus Christ that hurts, it’s so painful and yet it’s the very first thing you experience, no warm ups dude. When I got the back of my neck tattooed, oh, I should mention the back of my neck is one of the MAJOR erogenous zones of my body, it’s totally like, if you want to seduce me all you have to do is touch me there, it’s ridiculous. Anyway, she was going away at the back of my neck doing the shading and she hit the happy spot of my neck. It really hurt but at the same time was totally tickly and fun. I wish all tattooing felt like that one little section.

Incidentally, having the back of my neck be so sensitive is part of the reason I have normally shaved the back of my head, it feels good!

The other thing about being tattooed is that every part of your body feels different being tattooed. Sometimes you can even feel the sensation change when you’re getting tattooed in a small spot. You might be totally fine and then a centimetre over it’s agony. You really never know.

People say dumb stuff about tattoos if they’ve never had one. For one thing, I’ve noticed it’s only non-tattooed people who regard others tattoos as frivilous. I mean, I’ll just be standing around and someone will point to my tattoos and try to make a really unfunny ignorant joke. I think there are some things they really don’t understand. First of all, it does really fucking hurt, and no one is going to put themselves through that much pain for a tat that has no relevance to them personally. Unless they’re stupid and regret it, but even then it’s mean to make fun of their tattoo. Most of the work I’ve seen out there means something to the person it’s on. All my tattoos mean something, but if you make fun of them then I refuse to explain the significance and watch someone trample that as well. Sometimes it’s funny to watch someone be an asshole and then be told point blank that the tattoo is a memorial to a loved one who passed away. I’m sure it feels awful to be the tattooed person explaining that, but it’s pretty effective at shaming some asshole.

The next really stupid thing people say is “What about when you’re eighty! Oh my god, your tattoo will be all smeared and wrinkly.” First off, that smeary bleeding effect in some tattoos you see are the result of bad tattooing. If it goes just a titch deeper and ends up in the layer of fat under your skin, you’ll see that happen because your fat cells will start happily carting off ink willy nilly. Secondly, ALL of me will be wrinkly, and the idea of my aging body 50 years from now is not going to dissuade me from expressing who I am on the outside of my body.

And finally, the worst part about being tattooed and being stone/having PTSD is when I’m standing around in public and a stranger grabs or feels one of my tattoos. Holy shit is that messed up. I shouldn’t even have to explain why that’s fucked, and by the way, touching a pregnant woman’s belly without permission is equally fucked.

I love my new ink. I would post pictures, but I have no digital camera. I might buy one with an artist fee that’s coming up around the corner, I really need one. I now have a black and blue nautical star on my left arm and a red and black nautical star on the other. And my biohazard symbol.

Body Mods, Drugs, Saskatoon

E!!!!???

You know those shows that people like Oprah do, where they fit a whole bunch of women for bra’s and they all come out in new bras going wow, I’m an A cup, I’m a DD cup! and whatever. Well, my mum took me to get fitted today and I’m an E cup!!! Holy fuck, I never thought that would happen. I thought I was a C cup, or maybe a D, but I never ever thought I could be an E!

Anyway, I have a really nice sexy bra now that cost way more than I usually pay. It fits like a glove. A boob glove. I love having breasts, even if I am mannish. I hope someone sleeps with me because I just want to show off the bra.

I did mushrooms a couple nights ago and holy fuck was I fucked up. At one point I was saying “Yeah, the things I hate most are the squids, they can fuck off, what did they ever do for us except bob around and shit. They’re good in calamari though. Hey, do I exist? Wow, this floor feels cool. And everything is like glue. Check out this lip balm!” Our poor friend Preston was REALLY fucked up and just doing the same thing for forty five minutes, shaking, and passing out. Turns out he accidentally took SIX grams of mushrooms. And then I thought someone was cute and then found out they’re in HIGH SCHOOL!!! Yeah, I felt way beyond being a cougar. I would fuck a nineteen year old, but beyond that I get nervous.

I have a tattoo appointment in a few days! Hurrah! I’m getting three of the tattoos I wanted done in the same session. My biohazard tattoo and my two nautical stars on my forearms. I know I’ll be all “oweeya!” after, but it’s okay. I love tattoos, and even the whole process of subjecting myself to extended periods of pain is fun in a “look at me and my pain threshold” butchy macho kind of way. Now I just have to end up with enough money to do my Virgin of Guadalupe and my jaguar spots.

I have no idea what I will do for New Years. Try to find someone who wants to see my bra? I don’t know. Get drunk and do drugs for sure. I’m looking into moving into a housing co-op out in Sutherland. For non-Saskatoon folks, Sutherland used to be a small town until it got absorbed in Saskatoon sprawl. It is also where a murdered skeleton was found recently dating back to the 1920’s. Okay, murdered woman, you can’t murder a skeleton. She turned into a skeleton. And she was thrown in a well, so apparently her soft tissues turned into wax. Ew.

E is for Ew.

It’s also for Exciting, and Erotic!

Body Mods, Popular Culture, Tech

Another Industrial Update and Katamari

Well, I’ve mostly stopped sleeping on it, which I did a few times just because I forgot and was asleep when I flipped over. It doesn’t hurt anymore when it’s not being tormented, and the top of my ear has gone back to having a normal sensation instead of the weird thing it was doing before, alternating between being numb and being crabby and painful. I can wiggle it without hurting, and I can actually slide the barbell back and forth without wincing or drawing blood. I have bonked it a few times when I’m just running my hands through my hair or whatever, a cute girl keeps laughing at me every time we’re hanging out and I squeal after touching my ear, it makes it very hard to look suave.

The only issue I’m having with it now is a bump by the piercing on the edge of my ear. It’s not painful, it’s just a bump, and pretty common with cartilage piercings from what I understand. I want it to go away, just because I don’t want a weird bumpy ear and because I have no idea if those things contribute to ear collapse. I’ve heard I’m supposed to put crushed advil in water on the bump and it will miraculously fade away. So hopefully that will work. Aside from that I think it’s tremendous, and anyone who wants an industrial should get one.

I should also give you my review of We Love Katamari. I went to Futureshop this weekend and bought a Playstation 2, a newer version which is roughly the same size as a composition notebook with the blobby black and white pattern, and only slightly thicker. The playstation was on sale, but the fancy ass vibrating controllers were not, nor was the memory card. I’m not going to tell you how much it cost because I don’t want to be mocked for buying a system I only want to play two games on.

Oh yeah, back to We Love Katamari.

Well, I didn’t have high hopes for it, I guess I was too much in love with Katamari Damacy to expect more genius. But amazingly We Love Katamari exceeds the original in rolling fun. The plot is a little weaker, you don’t have to remake the entire solar system, just throw a few stars and planets in the air to make life nicer. But the graphics are even cooler, the Prince has some wacky cousins that run around, and the music is really good and changes more than in the original depending on what level you’re in. Also the ongoing story when levels are reached is a really cute one about the King of the Cosmos when he was a boy and his adversarial relationship with his father. Plus there’s a two player game, but I haven’t found my second player. I keep running upstairs yelling “Mum! Mum! Come play Katamari with me!” but she never comes.

So I guess I’ll say We Love Katamari is definitely worth it, I’m already starting to get addicted.

I love non-violent video games, I must find more.