It’s January 11, and I still haven’t heard about my grant. God am I ever nervous. I have two divergent futures based on this one grant, at least for the next year, and I really hope I get it because then I have an interesting future.

If not, oh lord, who knows what will happen to me. I need to find a full time job doing something I’m relatively good at. I don’t know what.

I’m doing alright. Tomorrow night I am having Bouilliabase with my family. I don’t know if I spelled it correctly. Oh well. I went with mum to get the fish bits at Charlies today.

I like going into the fish store, though I’m not too much into seafood. I like looking at all the different things. Lobsters, shrimps, octopus, frog legs, clams, etc. In Vancouver you could also look at the Geoducks. Pronounced, GooeyDucks, these weird clam things have huge penis like protuberances. Always entertaining.

Once I saw a slug eat icing off a birthday cup cake. Lynn had made them, and it was summer and we were out in the back porch in a DTES house. And it was night time, perfect slug weather.

One time I got a slug caught in my sandal as I was walking home in the dark with Lynn. EW! Slugs plus bare feet equals not nice.

Sugar, bring me sugar!

So anyway, I hope the more interesting option happens for my life, because I don’t want to spend my time doing work for other people. I don’t mind it, but it would be nice to be able to make some work for a while. I feel like I’ve been working for so long.

I should figure out some way to turn my screenplay into support material. I don’t know how that would work.

I’m so bored lately. I need a new distraction. I need a new interest. Something exciting and wonderful has to happen soon.

Plus I have to get my CFC application in on the 28th. I need to get some reference letters and so on. And I have to put three videos onto a DVD. Oh man!

I’m applying for a new job as a screenprinter. I think it would be fun. I don’t know why I think that but I do.

Life’s going alright for me right now. I’ve made a resolution to treat myself better, ie doing laundry more often and so on. Mom used to keep telling me that unwashed clothes were a sign of mental illness. I guess I was depressed. I didn’t have much energy. Now I’m a bit more alert. My creativity is down though. I need a project to work on to keep happy.

So far all my writing is on this blog, and I haven’t blogged much lately.

I am finally starting to get over my last big love. I doubt I’ll meet anyone this year though. And I really do need a new crush. On who, I don’t know. Someone sexy and funny and slightly mysterious. Someone who’d be able to hang on through a manic episode.

It still makes me sad how my last affair ended. How depressing, to have a cruddy health problem cause such mayhem and destruction. It truly was the most catastrophic of all endings. So shitty. Blerg!

Anyway, I’m hoping I get this new job because I would dearly love to do something other than work in a call centre. I’ve just done that kind of work for so long. Screenprinting would be a good change. And I’d feel mildly more creative than I do now.

I still haven’t heard about my grant and I’m nervous. It’s 2008. Welcome 2008.

Mom found out today she didn’t get her grant. Pretty sad.

I’m hoping this year I’ll stop feeling sad about the breakup. It’s been pretty hard on my recovery process.

I’m also quitting smoking for the upteenth time.

I had a quiet new years. I was at Divas briefly and then I went to mom’s and rang in the new year with her. And I pretty much stayed at her house until now.

Tonight’s my last night to hang out with Deanna Banana.

I found out Shrooms don’t work on me! I tried them over Christmas and nothing happened while my cuz got ripped.

Must be the medication.

I really do miss that special girl I hung out with last year. She was amazing in all the right ways. And we had this special vampire fetish going on between us. I’d never gotten that close to thinking of bloodplay as being particularily sexy. Usually I’m a needles girl, but if she’d wanted to cut me I would have been all over it.

I don’t do intravenous drugs though, not those kinds of needles.

I’m sleepy and today is my first day back at work. Only four hours and then I hang out with No Ass D.

Otherwise known as Deanna Banana.

She got the name after we sat down on a snowy stoop and I was the only one to leave an ass Print. We were both high on life. and she got the name, No Ass D. Which is funny because she really does have no ass, her pants are always falling down showing ass crack.

I HOPE 2008 is a better year.

Oh, I also decided to put off applying to grad school for one more year. I don’t think I’m ready yet for grad school, and I want to stay in Saskatoon a little bit longer.

Yesterday Mister tried to bring a poop in the house, he was carryin it in his mouth! It made me think twice about letting him lick my face.

This Christmas I got the stupidest present ever.

My sister gave me three fake pears. And that was it. What the hell?

I gave her bath bombs, that’s way better than a fake pear.

Tomorrow night is the big tobogganing party.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the terrible crazy break up and heart break.

It was with my first true love too, which made everything way more intense. Plus I haven’t had strong feelings for someone in a long time.

And she also happened to be an exceptional kisser.

When she kissed me the whole world fell away. It was just that kind of a kiss. And she was just amazing, totally smart, funny, kinda morbid in a cool way. I really did have serious hopes about her. We just fit really well together.

I miss her. I would’ve married her.

I had an excellent conversation with my friend Robin who said I was a hot butch and did I really think seriously about this and I dunno, I started talking about my doubts. Like, the breast thing, that nipple issue, it was enough to put me off. She was talking about how masculinity can live in a female body.

I guess that’s what Shawna meant too, she told me about women who take on masculine pronouns but are still women. I’m not sure. Life’s pretty confusing.

Besides, I kind of like being a girl. I don’t know how to explain it. I love that I contradict myself over and over. Like, you would not believe how sexy this bra I’m wearing is.

I don’t know what else to say about the gender switch, but I do like being a butch. I think there’s something inherantly comfortable to me being butch. I just like it. I don’t know why. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it, but I haven’t been harrassed since I was in high school.

Of course, I lived in a big city for nine years.

The Vancouver Years. I miss them. I don’t miss being hungry though.

So life is ticking along. It’s almost Christmas. And it seems like September was only yesterday. I’m going tobogganing with my cousins at Diefenbaker Hill at night sometime soon.

I still miss the girl I went crazy on. Fuck I hate going crazy. Oh well. Heart break happens.

I think I’m finally getting over my depression. It’s taken me a long time. I was so depressed. Oh my god. It was agony. But now I’m doing way better.

It’s been hard recovering, but it’s been harder to try and put some meaning on my life. Feeling that life is meaningless leads to depression, and suicidal thoughts. I know I have potential, but I don’t feel like I have been living up to it.

Of course I’ve also applied for two grants, but I haven’t heard back if I have gotten them or not yet.

Anyway, I needed to give myself some new goals. So now, besides applying to CFC’s Directors Lab, I’m also applying to UBC and York to do my MFA. And I’ve decided that I have to apply for two residencies as well, one in Canada and one abroad, or in the US. SO THAT”S MY NEW GOAL1

Goals are important to have I think. I’m generally unhappy with my current lot in life, I have no girlfriend, I’m bummed out. I need a change. My life needs something drastically different. So grad school, residencies, yeah, that’s about right.

It’s been a year now since I saw UFO’s, two of them, in an event that scared the living shit out of me. Life is pretty boring right now. I never saw them again. And now I’m just recovering from recovery. I started a part time job doing phones. I swore I would never do phones again, but I don’t mind the work and I’m good at it.

Things in my life are pretty quiet.

I haven’t blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn’t die. It’s been a long time anyway.

I’ve gotten stuck in a rut. I don’t know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it’s own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that’s the most they can hope for and it’s the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There’s this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I’m still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom’s every day. But then I’ve always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I’m depressed because I haven’t been writing. Mostly I’ve been thinking, about this new journey I’m on to become a man. Life’s weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I’ve been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother’s house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that’s my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I’ll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I’ll be so relieved, then I’ll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I’m not even mildly interested in anything. I’m totally stuck. And I’m not sure how to improve my life because I’m not sure what it is I’m missing. It’s like I’ve zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It’s gross. But I know I’m just missing something in my life.

Mania sucks ass. If you don’t believe me, ask any bipolar person. It’s embarrassing, like having a big mental shit all over the place. I’m so glad it is over.

I’m still looking for places to live. I saw one really nice apartment and put my name in, haven’t heard back yet. I hope I get it though, it’s just scuzzy enough to fit my tastes. I mean old, it’s in a really old building, which are the kinds of buildings I prefer.

What is it about an old building? I used to think I wouldn’t like them because of ghosts. But in truth, I’ve never had a ghost issue while I’ve lived in an old building. I did once have a poltergeist issue with a roommate of mine, she just always attracted that kind of energy. And I saw stuff move around while she was abouts, which was always kind of creepy. Not to disparage her, she’s pretty cool, but poltergeists, ai ai ai! Messy rude things.

Enough about ghosts, how am I?

Well, I’m still getting better in increments. I’m still excited and waiting to get on hormones. I’m not sure when it will happen, it seems to involve a lot of waiting time to see people, beyond when I’m finally officially stabilized in the eyes of my doctor. I think she’s waiting for me to be less depressed, which is slowly abating. In truth I don’t think I’m depressed so much as bored. Not working has been boring. Tomorrow I start at this psych rehab place for eight weeks, I think it’s a lot of group activities and so on, but I’ll be getting out with other people which is good. I have also started applying for jobs again, although my EI doesn’t run out for nine months. But I think I’d rather be out in the world than stuck at home on EI.