Woah

You guys are intense, how the hell do you do this stuff?

She Blinded Me With Science

Thomas Dolby does a hit from the 80’s.

Police

This is a memory of the events leading up to my incarceration.

I had actually been doing my shamanic two spirited episode for a while when my mom kicked me out of the house early at Christmas, she didn’t want me in her house. And that was scary because suddenly I was on a plane. When I got to Montreal I was pissed off because it was New Years, I had nothing to do, and I was trying to wake myself up most urgently because the Iraq War was beginning. And I knew I was doing the surveillance thing so I tried to call friends to tell them what was going on. And they started freaking out, but really I just wanted them to pay very close attention so that they would know what a two spirited shamanic episode looked like, because I knew a bunch were about to start and I had to show that it was safe and natural.

The police showed up twice, and each time I showed them stuff about me that proved I was who I said I was. They got it! They were really happy and actually felt better about the world. And then James Diamond showed up. He was my roommate’s boyfriend.

He seemed to be into it, he could do the episode with me, he was following me. But after I got to Germany he quit, because it was intense but I had just gotten my divided star of david mandala. And I drew it over and over and then he got annoyed because he had figured out he was female and wanted to quit, because that’s where he ends up. I dunno, I guess I figured he would know there was a second half to it, because I had discovered so much about women’s lives, and then I was switching into discovering things about mens lives. And that’s where I was aiming, because I always wanted to understand women before becoming a man. Anyway, he aborted it. He recorded one of my monologues and gave it to some people in Montreal and told them that I was going to kill myself and they had to take me to the hospital. And they believed him, a lot of people did. A lot of people understood my shamanic episode through James Diamond, which is fucked because of various things. Anyway, some friends came over and immediately told me I was going to the hospital. I tried to explain shit to them, but they freaked me the fuck out and so it got hardcore intense, because I knew I was going to be crucified.

In high school, one of our Gifted friends actually did crucify himself in the gym, I mean, not with nails or anything, he just had some friends tie him to the wall. And I remember him telling me “When you get crucified you die by asphixiation.” Because that is what happens up there on the cross and that is what happened to him before his friends took him down. I mean, it was that kind of a high school.

Anyway, my friends called the cops after I told them no in several different ways. But they didn’t care about my No. I didn’t get a safeword, I got tortured. And through my whole experience, they kept telling me I put myself in there.

I remember when they finally did get the cops to come, I have no idea what they told them, but these cops barged in and threw me to the ground and put me in handcuffs and started shouting at me, screaming really, and telling me to get up and I couldn’t because I was in handcuffs. I was naked, like Louis Riel when he got taken. Anyway, my friends were horrified, but they kept telling me I deserved it. Friends, right. I remember in the ambulance on the way to the hospital I looked into the eyes of my police escort, and it was one of the guys I had convinced earlier. And he started to bawl. I have never seen a cop cry before, but he cried all the way to the hospital.

I was in restraints, handcuffs, and serious neuroleptics for the entire first night. I have no idea what happened to me in that time.

When I was released the first time, I tried to start it up again, because I had to, I needed to wake up and now I had no safe spot because James and Ariel stared at me in disgust the entire time. I had never felt so judged. And they would talk about me with everyone in my life, because suddenly they were the experts on me even though I only knew them seriously for about four months.

Anyway, I knew they were going to send me back to the ward, and it pissed me off. I called the cops myself the second time, because they were violent and James started shoving me around and threatening me. Seriously, the second time I just wanted to get away from them mostly, and I had been trying to evict them and they wouldn’t leave. The apartment was under my name, but during the time I was in, the second time, they decided it would be better if I was homeless. So suddenly I had to do a whole bunch of stuff to try and get them the hell out of my apartment. I don’t think anyone understood why I was doing that, although I do know that most of the people James had talked to got super creeped out by him and his behaviour.

So I did kick them out, but they were planning to do it first. James stole a bunch of my stuff, including my cd walkman and an album I had been listening to, to find my route. I was listening to Scarlet’s Walk actually, and it was keeping me grounded. But they kept taking it away from me. In fact, anything I tried to meditate on they would take away from me.

Maybe people thought that they knew what they were doing because they were Aboriginals, I don’t know.

Anyway, in the ward when I was in four point restraints, I started screaming. And it pissed people off because they wanted me to be quiet. But I couldn’t, because when I sleep on my back I asphyxiate. So I had to scream, but the more I screamed the less likely it was for them to let me out. And I was going to die if I didn’t scream, I mean, it was awful. I was having trouble breathing. And I kept remembering the thing about white light, look at the white light. And the only light I had was the lightbulb on the ceiling. For the rest of my hospital stay I looked at lights, any lights, sunlight, ceiling lights, the huge Hydro Quebec sign staring me in the face through my ward room.

So yes, I was crucified, in the end. And when I showed my friends my bruises, and I had huge bruises, I asked them to bring in a camera so that we could document it. They refused. I asked for money for a legal aid lawyer. They refused. I didn’t actually have any support, because what I was doing was always being mediated through either the psych ward staff, James Diamond, or Ariel. And none of those people were profoundly gifted, for sure. Very few people are.

Which is why I am glad to be back in Saskatoon, because there was that class at Bowman that was filled with profoundly gifted people. And the staff at Bowman has always kept track of us, waiting to see when we would be famous. That’s the thing you have to understand, our high school knew our grade would be famous.

I dunno man, maybe we do need this site for Gifted Transpeople. And there are alot.

I sometimes think a lot of people transitioned because they thought the other gender would be easier, better, something. As a man, now, who was a woman for a long time, I can honestly tell you neither gender is better or worse. They each have their problems. And going through a two spirited shamanic episode is necessary to really know, because you have to be so fucking sure you can take that step with total awareness. And it is hard for transpeople before they transition, because it does involve some serious positive disintegration. And because it does involve some serious spiritual understandings, which not everyone can manage.

And yeah, two spirited people are showing up in the gender they end up preferring. But I notice they still understand both genders before being able to fully embody who they are.

I’m worried about various friends of mine who are on their journeys, because it does look intense. But honestly, there is a light at the end of it. At the end of it you do find your own moral code and your own identity. Because to get there, you have to ask a lot of questions. And you have to ask the right questions. And you have to have access to information to get those answers. And you have to be able to understand the information, which is maybe the most difficult, because some of it is way out there and intense and hardcore scientific, actually!

I had a breakthrough with my best friend when I told her what happened to me in the ward. I mean, it was a hard thing, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it was always the block that stopped me from going further. And actually, after I told her about it, everything started getting better. Because she actually wanted to listen to the story, and no one had wanted to hear it before. And really, all I wanted to do was tell the story to get it out. What do you do with a story no one wants to hear? Which is why I started this blog. And I started it very brainwashed by psychiatry. And now I’m out of that, and it’s scary! I am remembering who I am, and who I am is really beautiful. But so many people believed the ugly story, that sometimes it seems few people want to see the real beautiful me.

But some do.

Kate Bornstein 1998

This is the autograph I got from the lovely Kate Bornstein in 1998 during hir tour for the Gender Workbook.

Sleepy

It’s late, I’ve had a very very very long day. I am currently overhauling an old G4 for Luke, he’s moving on his own and is going to make music on his computer. So that’s what’s up. I could really just go to bed, because the installation of Tiger is going to take a couple hours anyway. Tomorrow I install his music programs and then he has a new computer, lucky boy. He’s doing really well, he feels loved and that’s a good thing. Steven is still Steven. I will probably be Luke’s tech support, which is fun. I’m hoping to get him a soundcard, and if he gets a guitar then hopefully I can show him how to record it straight onto his computer.

Some of my “friends” still cling to me being crazy. I’m not sure why that is, it’s kind of sick. But I don’t care, I think they’re just being transphobic, and that does suck. But honestly, most of the people I really care about understand and love me, and that is all that matters. And my cousins are starting to do better, all of them, although I can REALLY feel the age difference now. At one point when I had my breakthrough I was writing to my best friend/cutie and I was talking like a fifteen year old boy to her. It was funny, I was hanging out of a tree upside down talking to her. But she’s not letting me go back to being a teenager, which is good, because those days are so over. Either way, I should get some sleep because tomorrow is a busy day.

I’m still surprised at how many people call me just to talk about themselves. I have issues too ya know! Jokes.

Oh yay, Deanna is coming over, now I won’t be alone.

Cindy and Megan

So yes, it is Cindy and Megan’s wedding tomorrow. They have ten cakes! Mom just went to the rehearsal. They’re both femmes, so it will be so frou frou! I’m excited. Megan is American actually, she’s becoming a Canadian now because of various things, like same sex marriage. And just that she loves Cindy. We went camping in the States with them last year, it was so fun. Except I was having psych med issues, so I was fucked up. But it was really fun. We went to Arches and the Canyonlands, and we went to look at pictographs on this one road. Megan found the motherlode behind a bush, and those were some amazing artworks. There was a bison, actually, which means there was some kind of cultural expansion between nations. There was a thunderbird too, which is another Plains symbol. The name Anasazi is derogatory by the way, the proper term is Ancestral Puebloans, which I was always gleefully pointing out anytime someone said Anasazi. We went to Mesa Verde, which had just survived a major fire, and that was really fun. There were bunnies everywhere! And I took mom to Cliff Palace, which is the largest ruin, it was hard though because it’s grueling both getting down and coming up. Our tour guide was a Hopi woman, and she had some really great things to say about the culture and what she knew about kivas and how the agriculture worked on top of the Mesa. And she was asked over and over why they were gone. Her answer was basically that they moved, they didn’t feel like living there anymore. She told us about some of the places way in the back of the Cliff Palace where only the rangers get to go, they used to store corn back there. And they had bad teeth because they ground their corn with rocks and rock particles would mix in and wear down their teeth. We also looked at the highways, which are just hand and toe holds carved into cliff faces. On the way back up from Cliff Palace we got so tired, going up three steep ladders and mom is afraid of heights so I had to keep telling her not to look down.

Mesa Verde is at such a high altitude that you can actually get sick from it, because it’s hard to adjust to it. And Cindy got altitude sickness, poor girl. Later when we were at Devils Tower, in the middle of Sturgis, we saw a sign saying that they had the Plague in certain gophers, because we went to see the gopher civilization. And Cindy was so funny, she was just like “Oh, now I have the Plague!”

After Devils Tower we stayed in some crap campsite and I got into trouble for smoking a clove cigarette inside, even though other people were smoking gross cigarettes. Anyway, I was annoyed with the service there. Mom asked for cutlery and the waitress didn’t know what she meant. Mum was like “You know, knife, fork.” She never got her cutlery. I thought that was rude so I made Devils Tower out of my mashed potatoes and then we went back to Canada. And we love Canada, but it was nice to finally see all of those American sites. And Cindy and Megan made us go to Walldrug, which was funny because again we were travelling during Sturgis, so there were bikes EVERYWHERE. And we started forming opinions about Sturgis, because some bikers were hardcore and drove all the way there on their bikes, while others had full on RV’s with some bikes on a trailer. You can guess which people impressed us.

Anyway, I finally got the appropriate wedding present for Cindy and Megan, I think they will like it. And I’m glad they are finally getting married, because they have been together for so long.

We bought some Anasazi beans, the same kind they grew. It’s called Anasazi beans, but I always prefer calling them Ancestral Puebloan beans.

Service

This has been the most intense day of my life, EVER! My Aunt Beth took me to Good Friday services with the Lutheran Church, and it was really beautiful. They sang the entire Passion service, and that was intense. I almost started crying at the end actually. And my Aunt, who is graduating and starting her clergy work this year, brought me up with her to bow before the cross. And it was intense, because here were two psychiatric survivors standing in front of the cross. And it wasn’t a fancy cross, it was very humble, made from two pieces of worm eaten wood. I was thinking about the Passion, but I was also thinking about that horrifying moment when I was in four point restraints screaming and no one cared. I was looking at this sad cross and thinking about what it really meant. And thinking about my body laying in a psych ward so afraid and so alone. And then Aunt Beth touched one arm of the cross, and I just automatically touched the top, because that’s where my head was in four point restraints and that’s where I was being tortured. And I think she was also thinking about her own time in psych care. It was really moving.

I got paid, so afterwards we went tuxedo shopping, at Value Village! And I got this great swish tux with tails, and it is cut just perfect for my body. So that was good, because now I can finally wear my top hat. And I went to a mens clothing store on my own to get the rest of my outfit, which was an interesting experience. I haven’t ever gone into male territory like that before, I only ever bought mens clothes from vintage stores. And it was weird at first, because some teenage boy came in to look at grad clothes with his girlfriend and this one salesman spent so much time talking to him about EVERYTHING, I was so snubbed. And that was bizarre, but I was kind of expecting it. What I didn’t expect was when I paid for all my stuff and the other salesman rang it through, and he totally started razzing me about getting married, and he knew I was buying it for myself, not for a boyfriend or anything. And I was so shy, because he was really friendly about this total transman getting formal mens wear. And he was Middle Eastern, by the way. And the teenage boy didn’t buy anything.

I look really good in it. I am such a dandy! I’m a sloppy girl, but as a boy I just go into dandy mode. And the shirt I got was pink, by the way, because originally pink was a mens color. Hallmark changed it at some point in history, I forget why. Anyway, I’m cleaning myself up, I actually care about how I look, and that is so different.

My mom has finally accepted that I am going to be a man now. She was really scared about it, obviously, because it means I could get hurt. She said she would knit me a codpiece that says “Don’t be mean to my son.” Aw. She still uses the Thirza name, but it’s okay because she’s adjusting. I am impressed with anyone who calls me Sarain though, because it means they actually care about my identity and knowing who I am. Mom actually had a dream a while back that I was a man, so she knew it was coming. And I did give her Gender Outlaw to read when I was in high school, so she does know what it’s about. And when I talked to her best friend Norlane about it, who has known both Sarain when he was alive and baby me, we actually talked about David Harrison’s play which we had both independently seen when it was here at the Fringe, and so we talked about what it means to be a transman. I believe he actually comes from Saskatoon, because I remember everyone was kind of amazed that he would come back here and perform it for us. The Saskatoon Fringe festival is actually reputed as one of the best Fringe festivals in the world, we used to get a number of highly talented international companies coming here and I used to volunteer and see like, seven plays or more.

Norlane was the one who contacted Sarain’s mother in Italy when he died, and she didn’t know Italian, so it was an awkward conversation. I don’t know how she found his mother actually, but she started crying and I think she knew he was going to do what he did. Or I was going to do what I did. Sarain has a sister in Venice somewhere. When Edward did his Venice show, he played a song for Sarain every morning at seven o’clock on the Venice radio. I think that is my favorite part about his piece for the Biennale. I would actually like to get a copy of the song he played.

And I have Schrodinger, which is also excellent, because Jesse Duval Loewy was the one who raised Schrodinger. And Jesse committed suicide this year. I like to think that I can at least take care of the one boy cat from Jesse and Linda’s litter. And Schrodinger is a gorgeous tomcat, although he ran away with my digital camera yesterday. Schrodinger’s sisters are with Leif, he named them George and Alex.

Transition update

I was talking to a friend of the family who practically raised me actually, and she works at the Community Clinic here in Saskatoon. We talked about me seeing a therapist there again, I have the appointment next week. And I have to make an appointment with my regular doctor, who is like, the best doctor I’ve ever had. She’s like Saffy if Saffy went to med school. So she’s pretty cool and she likes doing research on new things, I mean, she always augments her education, which not a lot of doctors do. So I guess I will meet with her and talk about profoundly gifted people AND transmen, and I’m sure it’s not all new territory for her, I mean, obviously she’s gifted for starters. Plus they actually do keep medical records confidential, which is a far cry from the Quebec health system, and that’s good. Quebec releases personal files to employers. So that’s not safe at all! I think Saskatoon might actually be the best place to do this. And my friend Laurel has filled me in on Saulteaux prophecy, which says we should return to our homelands for seven years. And I think, well, I’m part Saulteaux and Laurel is the expert on that culture, and we’ve known each other since we were two, so I’m fine with keeping to that. And even though I’m from a bunch of different places originally, this is where I grew up. So yeah, back in the homeland!

Aw

Peg Campbell, my favorite prof at Emily Carr in the Film department, sent me her blessings on my transition. You have no idea how happy that makes me. She’s great, man, one of the few professors with tenure who still cares about all her students.

Good Friday

This should be a Good Friday again. I have been thinking about colonization and treaty rights and land entitlements and so on . . . and I realize we actually did sign one completely unbreakable treaty. It doesn’t seem like it now because of the current Quebec government, but honestly, I believe the best treaty the people of the Americas signed was with France. They had a different approach to schooling aboriginal children in the beginning, and it never worked because they couldn’t figure out our kids. But they did try to form some alliances, and maybe the best alliance ever created the Metis people of Manitoba. And even though that was just French/Cree in the beginning, the concept has expanded now to include all kinds of mixed race people with aboriginal blood in them. And there are a lot of us, like A TON.

England has broken treaties with us over and over, to a ridiculous degree. I won’t even speak of Spain. But France, now that is an interesting treaty. Because they are artistic, they have some liberating politics, they are sexy and open minded and they actually brought native people to Paris to study. It never worked out well though. BUT, if we could negotiate our real treaty with France, and I mean all of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, then maybe we could get somewhere. The French actually are really fun nice people, I love the French. I hate racists and there are a lot in Quebec, but that is very different from hating the French. And besides that I have French blood in me too, so there, neener neener. Just kidding, I mean the neener neener part. But really, maybe we should ponder today on working out a servicable treaty with France. They did give the United States the Statue of Liberty, and she has style man! And the American government isn’t taking care of it well, which is a travesty against all artworks ever made.

Plus I always wanted to have a honeymoon in Paris, where I could eat more than just baguettes.