I am a vain boy! I realized I haven’t taken a picture of myself recently, so I thought I would give you the boy shot. I fussed with this picture so much! It made me think a lot about gender presentation, actually, but fuck, I still look goofy. So this is me as an out boy. The clothes are old, I wore these clothes all the time anyway, even when I was still going by my old name.
Category Archives: News
Masculinity is a Drag
I’m pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it’s a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it’s still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don’t question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that’s just a quirk.
It’s Easter soon. It’s a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I’ve been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they’re concerned and I don’t want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don’t feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don’t like when cults attach themselves to one.
It’s chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it’s still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I’m going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It’s so weird.
I’ve realized I’m having trouble talking to some women, just because it’s awkward. I don’t want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos’ songs are awesome. She’s into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she’s part Native, of course. I don’t know if it’s only aboriginals waking up. I don’t think so at all, not from the pulse I’m getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you’d prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that’s a good spot to start. It’s not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She’s very healing, especially for survivors.
My hair wants cutting.
The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don’t feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it’s a good option, it’s just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle’s number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I’m curious where they are now. Mostly I’m getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.
I’m going to be 29 soon! That’s insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.
Codes
There are some codes in this blog, which is why some of it looked all fucked up. I should explain at least ONE of them so you don’t think I’m a total idiot.
King Kong will stop the rain.
Now, I don’t actually believe that we are going to get a giant gorilla to stomp around. That’s silly! That’s an injoke from Data Lounge, which happens to be where a lot of closeted celebrities post anonymously. They stay pretty covert, but everyone knows they are there because sometimes they complain that they can’t do anything politically because their Academy votes don’t count for politics. Well, no, honestly, no of course Academy votes aren’t going to change the world. BUT maybe if people stopped being chicken and actually stood up for their community, things would change. That’s what I think anyway. But I don’t know, maybe King Kong won’t show up.
Packing
I’ve been pretty much packing since I decided to be Sarain again, or finally, or whatever. I have to say, it’s really weird! People are starting to look at my crotch. I got totally cruised by some suburban guy the other day. Fuck guys are horny buggers! Ah, not all. But you can so tell now, oh my god! I’ve never gotten the eye contact, basket gaze, eye contact thing before. Holy crap you guys!
I walk different, which is weird, I walk more the way I used to walk, which is nice. But it’s such a boy walk. I walk like I’m carrying heavy armaments, and really I’m just buying a carton of milk. It’s weird! I’m trying to remember the girl side and not get caught up in privilege, but it is so different. I’ve never fit my gender presentation before, not like this. It’s like living in a different world. I’m starting to try to dress more like a boy, I don’t know how to explain that since I’m a funny guy. I don’t have many girly clothes to begin with anyway, so it’s not like I have to get a new wardrobe.
I’m learning how to make eye contact, which is interesting. I never did that before. I’m learning a lot of things about walking in the world as a guy. But I’m still trying to be a decent guy. Fuck, the privilege thing is weird. I know I have to be confident to pass, but it’s hard when I know what it’s like to live full time as a female and be treated so differently.
Two Spirited
I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don’t even know if they read the books.
Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don’t know, I started collecting people’s missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.
What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can’t access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you’re not two spirited, you’re just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn’t ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that’s not true, someone did care.
Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she’s much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It’s almost like being a couple, but not really, because it’s just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people’s knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It’s common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god’s sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don’t know? Really?
Two Spirited
I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really common during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don’t even know if they read the books.
Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don’t know, I started collecting people’s missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.
What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can’t access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you’re not two spirited, you’re just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn’t ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that’s not true, someone did care.
Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she’s much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It’s almost like being a couple, but not really, because it’s just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people’s knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It’s common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god’s sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don’t know? Really?
I’m so not doing this on purpose!
I seem to be okay with cutie again, but then I keep accidentally saying profound stuff. I don’t mean to. I used to just think it, but I could never figure out how to insert that in dinner conversation. I mean, dinner conversation can be pretty limited. So yeah, I guess technically she and I could have a virgin birth in the scientific form of it, but that was incidental really, because now I’m transitioning and we really do have to figure out if the kid option will be open later. Crap. Well, you did wonder about alternative families, so here you go. But honestly, we’re still mostly just hanging out and trying to figure out what to do. I think she’s known I’ve been missing a huge chunk of my life because she used to try to talk to me about high school and there were huge things I didn’t remember at all. I still don’t remember most of the straight guys names, but I wasn’t paying much attention to them. But I do finally remember when we got cult resistance training, which I think is the most important part to remember about high school. Or one of them anyway. That was like Gifted Defense against the Dark Arts class, only with real life application. Anyway, she and I are fine now, I just thought the process of parthenogenesis was kind of romantic.
DNA
Fuck! I still have to figure out what to do with my DNA. Obviously I have an intense strain. I wasn’t going to do anything with it because I didn’t think people much liked me, and I was so not having my DNA live on in a world that doesn’t care for me. But I dunno, maybe it is just too intense! On the other hand, passing that kind of genetics down is alluring, just because I know if it was with a certain someone we could end up with an intense strain of profoundly gifted gender variant XX children. I don’t know if the world is ready for such a strain! It would be like reviving the Amazons or something. And they would probably be happy making art if there was no war, which is the good thing. And it’s meat eaters DNA, which is also weird, because then you have to figure out a way of bringing back humane wild game hunting. Which can be humane if you have a good hunter, otherwise you can just be an asshole. But I dunno, First Nations DNA needs meat to survive, it’s just kind of that way. A small family can live off of a couple of deer over an entire year if they have a large freezer. And eat salads, too, First Nations people ate vegetables, really! We do like side dishes.
There is a such thing as parthenogenesis, which is combining the DNA of two eggs to make a kid. You can’t do it with two sperms, but eggs have enough DNA to do it together. It’s been around for ages but it is supressed because guys don’t want girls to know sperm is not necessary anymore. I kind of didn’t think I could ever do it, but come to think of it I probably could find a scientist who has tried parthenogenesis. I mean, I did grow up with the people who trot off to do those things.
I’m worried about putting my eggs in a cryogenic chamber, just because I don’t want some demented fundamentalist coming along and trying to raise my kids. I so think my kid would accidentally blow them up or something. I dunno. On the other hand, maybe no one would want to touch my DNA. I hate that I have to think of children now, because I still need to be a non-parent for a while, but if I start taking hormones I kind of have to think about that stuff right now. It’s a tricky world. Plus I don’t think a child I had would be safe right now, there are too many mean motherfuckers running around who would be totally into screwing around with the child of a transman. A Native child, no less, because I know what they do to Native children here. Hmm. So many issues.
Long Story
That has to be one of the longest stories I have ever told, and there’s still tons more. But whatever. I think this is the story that might help things make sense again. And hopefully some other people will start writing now, because they have all kinds of insights, and some are about sex and gender and some are about gifted people and some are about spirituality and various other things people have noticed. I have a relative who is starting her journey and I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her, to tell her stuff she is experiencing is normal and that she can tell stuff to go away if it is freaking her out. I mean, that’s the thing, you’re supposed to be allowed to self direct it or all kinds of weird shit happens, like this! And you can take a spiritual emergency and make it gentle again, but not with psych drugs. With psych drugs you get stuck, for a long ass time! And you start right up again at the place you left off, in about the same condition as when you were frozen. So, if people did get frozen into a spiritual emergency, my advice would be to take as many supplements for your brain as possible, and smoke pot, and see a homeopath, and have a place to sweat it out where people won’t freak out and try to reprogram you. And a lot of people WILL try to reprogram you, so you have to look out for that, because they will think they are helping, honestly, they honestly believe that force and punishment will make it better. Because they are fucked up! I’m sorry, but it’s true, you have to assume people are dead right now and try to wake up in a way where people won’t assault you. Because they do.
My Point
So I guess my final point is that the way psychiatry acts today is rather cult like, in fact, it meets every qualification for a cult. It uses shoddy evidence to promote it’s cures. It covers up significant facts. It has way too many drugs designed to fundamentally alter brains. It pathologizes ordinary human emotions which we find troubling. It uses force to assert it’s right over the individual. It is more interested in giving you the appropriate personality than finding out what your personality is. And they get all kinds of bizarre confessions out of people that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, not if that person is scrambling everything on purpose. And finally, it asserts cruel and unusual punishment on people based on their identity, including race, gender, sexuality, political beliefs, spiritual beliefs, and any childhood trauma available. And not only that, but it leaves you feeling totally deprived and worthless, no matter what crazy insane shit you’ve been pulling off for your whole life.