I’ve just been having a chill time at home letting my body heal. I got off the Tramadol on Tuesday and have been doing Tylenol since then, which seems to be working more or less. I can finally sleep a little bit better. Tramadol can cause insomnia so sleep was a bit elusive. But even tho I can sleep now, I still wake up early. I go to bed early too though.

I’m still sharing the place with my Mom while she looks after me, in some ways I feel like I don’t have a lot of care needs, and in other ways I do and I’m glad she’s here. She’s super helpful with dinners and stuff.

Tomorrow is the nipple reveal and I am so nervous. I’ve had all kinds of feelings in them while my nerves are trying to reconnect and stuff. It felt really cool on the third day because it was tingly. But now the feelings are a little sharper. Not constantly though.

Posey is still being careful with me and seems to take not jumping on my chest very seriously. She did jump on my stomach last night though so I might go back to wearing the mastectomy pillow in bed.

I’ve got a big scary bruise on one side of my abdomen, it was there early on but it looks darker now and more angry. I’m seeing the doctor and nurse tomorrow though so I’ll check in with them about it.

I feel so weird about my body right now because it’s not in it’s final form yet! Like it still has to do so much healing. And I just want to get to the part where I can sit on a rock wearing an unbuttoned shirt with the wind blowing my non existent hair. But really, it looks great with a shirt on, and most people will see me like that anyway. Today was the first day I wore a man’s shirt, I got it at a thrift store in San Diego. So it doesn’t have all the extra cloth in the chest as my other clothes. And it’s amazing to look down and see a flat chest. Like it’s just so nice!

I had therapy on Monday and just kept talking about how nice it all was ha ha.

I feel like I’m far enough in my transition now that maybe I don’t have to think about it so much anymore. I’m getting gendered more correctly more frequently. And my body is finally getting to where I have wanted it to be. Except for the body and facial hair, but I’m Cree. And most people in my work life have been cool with it. But I mean also it’s probably something that’s always going to preoccupy me in some way.

I’m doing well. My top surgery was yesterday and all went as planned. My mom made it in time for us to go, we were exhausted but managed. And the clinic was really wonderful, such kind people. My surgeon was really good, no complaints about it. When I was finally on the operating table and the anesthesia was kicking in I was watching the lights and the sort of arms or whatever holding the lights up seemed to start moving although they weren’t and that was the last thing I remember. When I woke up I felt like I was having a really nice dream I didn’t want to leave. And someone was talking to me and it was a bit hard to come out of the fog. But I did, recovery didn’t take too long at the clinic. They gave me water and ginger ale and cookies. The cookies were so dry tho and I already hadn’t eaten anything for like, 18 hours or something. So my mouth was super dry. But it went fine, and when I was ready they wheeled me out to the car and I went home with my Mom and my friend Vee.

I came home and was basically resting, then had some yogurt and made sure I wasn’t feeling nauseous, and then I ate some more food. Since then I’ve just been resting and snacking and taking my Tramadol. I can’t have marijuana until I’m done with my Tramadol, so my edibles are just hanging out waiting. I will probably quit the Tramadol on Monday, since they said the first three days are the hardest pain wise.

The pain comes and goes, if I move around a lot it hurts, but I’m not moving too much. It’s hard to get up from bed, but my sit-ups at the gym have given me a pretty good ability to sit up in bed. I’m using a wedge pillow and a neck pillow for sleeping and have managed to sleep on my back and NOT have night terrors, which is great because that usually happens when I sleep on my back. I’m still having trouble sleeping through the night tho, plus I have to wake up at 2:30 and take my painkiller.

And my chest looks nice. Obviously I haven’t seen all of it since my nipples are still covered in dressings. But I’ll see them on Friday! I hope they are cute, I know they will look gnarly for a while though. I have bruising and swelling but nothing scary. My mom who is a wimp with injuries was even able to see my incision this morning and not make her usual painful noises. So that’s good. It’s pretty much a neat and clean incision site, and the nipples are covered like I said.

It’s really nice. I was so excited this morning that I woke up early and had to wait for Mom to wake up to do some things. But my chest just feels so nice. Finally today I really felt at home in my body in a way I wasn’t expecting. Like, it feels like my chest was always this flat. Maybe in my soul it just felt this way. I don’t know but I’m excited to continue my healing and see how I inhabit my body now. I feel more confident already, even though I’m still super vulnerable and in pain. I know it’s gonna be a few more weeks before I really see how my chest is. It’s just so swollen now. And I had contouring so that also causes some swelling. But overall it’s great! No regrets! It’s kinda funny because now the round part of me is my tummy, but I still like that better than before.

I lost a pound according to the scale, BUT also I am swollen and constipated so I’m not really sure that is accurate. I’m passing gas finally so I’m hoping my digestive system goes back to normal tomorrow.

My friends have been so nice, and sending all kinds of sweet messages, and one of my friends sent me sweet treats today. So I feel very loved and I feel like I finally am in love with my body.

I am still raising funds for my recovery! You can send money to this GoFundMe.

Thanks for all your support!

OMG! Top surgery is tomorrow afternoon! I think it’s a good time of day for surgery, the surgeon should be nice and alert. And I just have to show up and not have deodorant on etc. I’m stoked! I’m nervous too, it’s such a big surgery. But the clinic I am going to is really well regarded for their top surgeries, and my surgeon is really accomplished (award winning even!) and so I feel confident about it. And I know I’m going to have scars, BUT ALSO I am into body mods in general and there’s totally people into scarification so I’m not real worried about it. I think I’ll have a good looking chest. I mean it’s already got some perks because of this giant tattoo on it. If anything I am super curious about how my nipples will turn out, but I won’t find out until next week when the bolsters come off. I have inverted nipples so I’m curious if they are just gonna be smaller inverted nipples. I love my body so I’m not like, expecting major changes like not having inverted nipples anymore. But also I don’t know what they are gonna do with them.

My Mom is still in an airport right now, because her flight got delayed five hours and forty five minutes. So that’s kinda insane (and I can say that because I have literally been insane!). So I set up her bed but she has to turn on the pump to blow it up because it takes up too much room when it’s inflated and would get in the way of her bags and things when she comes. Like, literally she is arriving just after 3am tonight. I tried to do everything to make it possible for her to get inside if I am not awake or not here (in the worst case scenario that her flight gets cancelled and she has to come tomorrow). So stressful!

I cleaned, did all my laundry, did the dishes. I gotta take out the garbage tomorrow morning. At 11am my friend comes to pick me (and potentially my mom) up and takes us to the clinic. I am packing a bag, I have a mastectomy pillow in it and I’m gonna leave it in the car for later. The bag comes in with me to hold my clothes while I am in surgery. I was told to wear comfortable clothes, so I am gonna wear adidas sweatpants and my cute bee shirt, I picked the bee shirt because it’s a button up and mostly dark in case any blood gets on it. I am not totally sure what shoes to wear, maybe my clogs. They are comfortable but not good for hiking, but I’m not hiking.

Also I get tattooed like, all the time, and yes it does fucking hurt and yes I do hate how much it hurts BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I look more cool afterwards. So I feel the same way about top surgery. It’s gonna be painful, and hard. But I will be really happy when it’s done. And I will feel that I look more cool to myself after. I think I will be happy when I look in the mirror.

There’s a big thunderstorm brewing right now which I always love. My Grandpa died not long after a thunderstorm. It feels connected. I don’t think I’ll die but I am doing a huge major part of my transition tomorrow, so it seems fitting.

I was gonna add this to my last post but then I realized “This Sucks” and a link to the NY Times might look shady! Anyway! I got a mention in the New York Times in a review for the Indian Theater show I am in. They said:

“Over four brief autobiographical pieces, Theo Jean Cuthand travels a path from lesbian to trans male identity with buzzing enthusiasm.”

So sweet! It’s true I am enthusiastic about my transition journey ha ha!

You can read it here!

And yeah I know the issues with New York Times and their coverage of trans people and especially gender affirming care for youth. Which if you don’t know about I would encourage you to read up on in regards to some damaging propaganda pieces that were published in the past which have been quoted in state legislatures to advance banning gender affirming health care against medical evidence of it being a good practice. Sorry that is such a long sentence!

I’m in a cash flow situation AGAIN because I’m waiting for people to pay me and had to use some of my surgery recovery money in advance for supplies and things so I am basically broke until certain people come back from vacation and submit my payments through whatever things. SO ANNOYING. I had to travel to Montreal which meant using some of my money, and the org which might pay for that trip is taking it’s time doing its jury to decide if I get travel funds. Then I did that thing with [redacted] and then they were supposed to pay on the 4th but I guess people went on vacation until next week so I’m still broke with that. It’s very annoying. ANYWAY I am still raising money for surgery stuff so if you want to donate please do!

I WAS able to get a lot of my post surgical supplies though, so I should be ok with that part of it. Now it’s just like, regular life costs that my income SHOULD cover if people would pay me on time. I did a gig yesterday and then they told me they can’t pay for two weeks. ARGH!!! I’m just trying to live! PLUS my co-op went on vacation also so my rent cash is hanging out in savings until they come back on the 18th and are actually going to cash my cheque.

BUT OK not everything sucks, just being a full time artist with a health situation sucks. I did shave my face and my head today and that was nice. I don’t think I’ll be able to shave my face on surgery day because I can’t use creams or lotions, which is fine. I don’t grow a lot of fur on my face. My Mom is coming on Thursday which will be interesting and hopefully helpful.

I’m wearing all my favourite t shirts now because it’s button-ups for six weeks after this. I am fortunate that I have a lot of button-ups from when I got into the Whitney Biennial and decided my wardrobe needed an improvement. I actually think I’m gonna have to get more shirts after I’m healed because during this past year I’ve gone from being a 2XL to a XL. So my clothes are baggy. BUT obviously I have to wait for my finances to improve in the future for that. So that’s fine. I’ll just be a baggy guy ha ha. I am excited to see how I fill out a t-shirt after surgery, when I can finally put my arms above my head again.

I started worrying about the surgery and the actual procedure they are going to do and then I was like “I’m not a surgeon, why am I worrying about this? I don’t need to know how it works!” The point is that it does work and that the surgeon I’m seeing has done this many many times.

ALSO secretly I am worried my mail is getting stolen, because a cheque was supposed to come and it hasn’t and it’s been a really long time and I don’t know where it is and my mom got her cheque which came from the same people. And I haven’t seen a cheque in my mail in a while and they are usually pretty regular. And I actually haven’t seen very much regular mail, just fliers. So I don’t know what is going on with my mail, but if you know me and want to send me a Get Well card please do so I can make sure I’m actually getting my mail ha ha omg.

ALSO I found out people are saying transphobic things to my mom, which is really so violent and abusive to me even if they think they aren’t saying it to me. I have asked her not to tell me what people are saying but knowing that there are bigots in my circle is really disquieting. I really don’t care what they think of my transition or decisions around my gender affirming health care. But they are probably the same people who would vote to take away my healthcare given the chance, which is disgusting.

Which brings me to my sense of relief that surgery is coming up this week. I just really want it to be done before gender affirming health care bans take root in Canada. I know there’s a chance we’ll be fine up here. But also Canada is full of white supremacists too who are also invested in there being a clear gender binary. I don’t think I’m strictly a binary trans man anymore, I think I’m a non-binary man. But still a man and I still want to live out my flat chested dreams! Plus I did all this work at the gym to have a sexy chest, it’s time to see what that looks like. I can bench press 45lbs! I’m getting there!

There’s probably more people rooting for me than the ones saying transphobic shit though. I’ve been blessed with some caring nice friends out here and some of them have even come out with new names and pronouns recently. It’s kind of sweet how we all find each other. And there are supporters who are cis, which is good. We’re not alone. And I’m spending less time on Twitter, and when I am on there I’m cognizant of the fact that a lot of really ugly people are bots honestly. What is real? It’s starting to go back to real life people being more of a barometer of what is going on. I have been called names a couple times on the street since transitioning. But no one has punched me yet so I guess that’s a good sign.

AND overall I am excited about top surgery. I’m a bit nervous about when I’m healing and vulnerable. But I have good friends who want to help.

Well I have been steadily working out since January or February, and I can bench press 45lbs now (which is really just the bar and a couple 2.5lbs weights and doesn’t look like much but IS heavy!) and I’ve done other chest exercises like flies and pushups and so on. So I think I have a good chance of maybe having a slight curve to my pecs when top surgery is done. It’s funny because I like the way men’s pecs fit in a shirt, and sometimes I feel like I get closer to that look in a sports bra or binder but it’s not enough. I want real man tiddies!

I’m gonna get top surgery SO SOON! Like, just over a week. Ten days! Ten days away from no more tits life! I’m really excited.

I’ve kind of assumed I didn’t have a lot of dysphoria because when I compared my feelings to how some other trans men feel, I was never especially repulsed by my breasts or anything. But where the dysphoria comes in is that many times I’d been thinking I would have preferred to have a male chest that wasn’t sexualized the way breasts are. I wanted to be topless more often. I wanted to be able to sit around half naked and not be in trouble if the curtains were open. I wanted to have a flat chest. Like it wasn’t that I HATE my chest tissue right now, it’s just that it doesn’t really suit me.

They were nice. No complaints. They’ve been well documented though in my art, so I feel like they had a good run. I never got into nipple play or anything because my nipples are inverted so they already had issues with sensation. So I am not too worried about how sensation will turn out after surgery. I heard sometimes it comes back. Or sometimes not! I don’t know! I will find out.

And really it’s been working out that has made me really hunger to find out what I ACTUALLY look like. I want to know if I can flex my pecs! I want to know if I will have pecs that are visible. I want to see where my nipples get put and how they turn out. I’m just really curious! And I want to see what my body looks like altogether after that.

I’ve been watching gay FTM porn these days and I’m really turned on by the way the trans guys look and how they fuck. It’s kinda funny, I remember in my 20s this porn came out called Trannyfags and it was all gay FTM porn and I REALLY wanted to watch it but never did because I couldn’t order it online because I didn’t have a credit card or whatever. But sheesh, I should have known that was about me being trans and being curious about what I would look like. I think I didn’t buy it also because I felt like it would be really voyeuristic of me to watch it (since I id’d as a lesbian at the time). BUT NO I really just wanted to see what I would look like if I transitioned and fucked guys! Makes sense to me now. Most of the FTM guys on pornhub and stuff are bottoming though. Which is fine for me because I like doing that too. But it would also be nice to see trans guys topping guys and women.

Overall I’m excited for this next step. I should be fine with just hormones for a while after this. I’m really dubious about doing phallo because I don’t think I need it to be happy and it’s a lot of steps, and I like the way my cock works now. Also if I do get bottom surgery it will probably just be meta. And I don’t think I want balls. But I mean I dunno, my idea of how I want to inhabit my body might shift after top surgery. Also things are still growing so I don’t know, my needs might change. I still need to learn how to manually jack off, because I can only cum with a vibrator. But if there’s a solar flare that wipes out the electricity, I am gonna need to learn to cum without mechanical aids.

Also my sexuality is in flux. I do like multiple genders. But I’m struggling now with trying to date women and femmes, and have been unsuccessful around that so far. I know some women are flirting with me so it’s not like it WON’T happen. The flirty people all know I am trans. Maybe they just want me to feel happy tho ha ha. Dating men has been easier, but it’s still largely hookups. I haven’t had a romantic date in a long time.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday about feeling weird that I haven’t fallen in love in a long time, and she said she has a theory that because I’m transitioning my energy is focused inwards right now. That is probably the best answer for what is going on right now. I still have feelings for an ex, but it might be more like they were the last one I loved so they are kinda lingering in my memory until I’m ready to be open to someone new. Hopefully after I am more settled into my body after surgery I will be able to extend energy outside of myself again. It does feel really introspective right now.

Well it’s finally been slightly over a year on Testosterone! Here’s some comparisons for you to see and hear.

I think the softness in my face kind of went away, to me I still feel like I look the same as always but I know there’s some differences. More strangers are gendering me correctly out and about in the world which is really nice. ALSO yeah I am balding, which is a big change.

Also here is my voice comparison! I think you can tell I sound way happier in the more recent audio clip. Also yeah, it’s definitely made a big deep change.

The only thing I haven’t shown here is my t-dick changing, because my family reads this sometimes. But I am super into it so I thought I would try to depict it in a much more friendly way through digital drawings of what I imagine could be a cartoon version of my dick. I sort of imagine it like a snail in a hoodie. So I will try to draw it. It’s mostly a trans joy thing but also pretty personal and I don’t think it will ever get into my films (although who knows? Maybe I like having mystery now though). I will say that it started out about the size of a popcorn kernel, and now is probably somewhere between a big green grape and a haskap. Maybe more Haskap-shaped though than grape-shaped.

It looks bigger from the side and this is a front facing snail dick. So not really a representation of how big it is, more like I just find the way my labia attaches to it kinda cool. Although I might get a simple release metoidioplasty some day. But maybe not who knows!

I’m getting top surgery so soon!!! That’s the next big thing! I’m excited, I feel like it will help me move in the world in a way that feels more comfortable for me.

I was trying to use the women’s room in Montreal because the men’s bathrooms where the events were mostly held had only one stall, but the women’s had multiple stalls, and I had to pee and guys were always pooping which takes so much longer. So anyway, I noticed I was starting to confuse women when I went in there. Which felt kinda sucky. I really don’t care what bathroom I use but I know as I’m getting closer to passing as male that it’s like, not gonna be an option for me soon. I don’t mind the men’s room, I just wish they had more than one stall.

I think I am still becoming whatever I am becoming. I’m really rethinking how I do relationships these days and if I want a romantic relationship. I had some bad experiences and it’s kind of hard to just keep putting myself out there. What I like about T is that it’s made it much more easier emotionally to have casual sex. On the other hand it’s been a long time since I’ve fallen in love, and I kind of miss that. Anyway my therapist and I talked about it once and she said I wasn’t the old me anymore but I wasn’t quite the new me yet either. So I’m sort of in this in between place where I could grow in a positive way, or kinda go down a shitty path and be alone and grumpy and never love again. AHHHHH. I’d like to think I’ll try to stay open to love but also, ugh. It just seems less complicated to have hookups and friends. BUT also part of me still wants to travel with a partner and do cute shit like cuddle while watching tv. Whatever!

Mostly this past year has been nice to explore my body and how it works now. I have orgasms more like a man now which is super cool. I would elaborate but again my family sometimes reads this. ALSO yeah sex drive went apeshit, I’m having orgasms four or five times a day now which is NUTS! But also fun and way faster than before.

I’m starting to be more faggot identified. Which is a surprise for me. I think I’m still very bisexual and I’m still attracted to Femmes. But I also really like gay sex with men. And I also am kind of a flamer? I originally didn’t want to transition because I knew if I was a man my gender would be policed even more than if I stayed a gender non-conforming woman. Like, I know people are very threatened by feminine men. And I’m masc but you know, not SUPER masc, I tend to the faggy side. And I kind of knew I was a fag even when I was identifying as a dyke. It was very confusing for me. Anyway watching my gender slowly settle over the last year has been kind of fascinating. Letting myself be attracted to all the hot queer men in my life was really liberating. AND even tho I wrote that sad paragraph about not being sure about romance, there were some men and non-binary folks that I definitely thought had boy/joyfriend potential. So I don’t know, letting romance come out in relationships with men could be interesting.

I think as I’ve figured out being bisexual, I am even more committed than before to having polyamorous relationships. Because I don’t want just one person, I want a few different types of people. I know some people say bisexuals can’t be monogamous and I don’t think that’s true, I just think I’m a polyamorous person and always was, even when I was unsuccessfully trying to date lesbians. But anyway I am at a place in my life where I like that different people offer different things.

Anyway it’s late! Here’s my anniversary on T post though! Hopefully the next few posts will be about my top surgery. I will probably take pics, but I don’t want any terfs swiping photos of my chest while it’s healing and my nipples look janky, so I will probably not post a lot until it’s looking better.

HEY HEY! I’m in Montreal pitching my feature film project macîskotêw (Evil Fire) at Frontières Market which is part of Fantasia Film Fest. We pitch it tomorrow.

But LOOK! We got an awesome article about it in Variety today.

https://variety.com/2023/film/festivals/emafilms-fanning-feathers-evil-fire-frontieres-1235679679/

Read it! I’m pretty proud of it. I really hope we get some more people excited about it this week. I think it’s a cool project, well I better because I’ve been working on it for a long time. But really I feel so close to making it and I think it’s time! And none of it involved AI so yay!

I’ve not smoked any joints since the day I got my surgery date. They told me edibles and oils were ok though. So I have been trying to figure out how to use it without fucking myself up. So basically I don’t use it until I’m done work for the day because edibles get you high for longer than smoking so it’s just not something I want to be doing while working. Ha ha I mean that’s very logical though. But today I tried a higher dose after work and now I’m too high. I think what I like about smoking is I don’t do it enough to get me super high. But these oils can just get so high. I don’t know how I feel about using cannabis this way. I’m still committed to not smoking again until October. But it does suck. I will be fine! I managed in Vienna without anything.

Except for those HHC Gummy Worms. Those fucked me up omg never again. The funny thing is I was staying at Museumsquartier and there was a reputation (according to the Vienna subreddit) for that to be a good place to get weed. But I am too anxious to do drugs in a foreign country where it’s not explicitly legal. I’m a fuddy duddy.

So yeah, I gotta figure out the right dose for oils. I’m glad I live in Canada where I can do these things. The weed and sex change options here are nice.

It’s almost a year on T! I’m excited to celebrate that later this month. I saw my health care practitioner today who was a doctor working with the nurse who is doing my trans health care stuff. So she wasn’t my regular person to talk to. I don’t know, it feels better when you know there’s some consistency. But also there’s lots of doctors and nurses who go through there so it’s probably helping them learn about providing gender affirming health care.

Apparently cis men’s hormones at my age range from 8 to 30 (I forget the exact measurement unit of this unfortunately and also I am high) and I am at 14. So I could go up if I want, but I feel fine at this range. So I’m finally going to stop increasing my T dose and just stay at what is going on now. It seems fine now. My body is generally going in the direction I want it to go. Things shifted around in a way I like, and my sense of wellbeing feels a lot better on T.

I got a ticket to Barbie!!! I’m so excited! I tried to buy two tickets together but there weren’t any seats left for two people together. So then I dumped my imaginary date (I didn’t even know who to go with I was just gonna ask around) and anyway now I am going to see it on opening night. I’m so stoked ha ha ha omg! It looks amazing! I’m so excited so I hope I don’t get let down. They caused a global shortage of pink paint so I really want to see it. Also I totally had Barbies growing up. I think mine were some kind of martial artists. Which is kind of funny because I didn’t take martial arts as a kid. No karate for me but all my friends seemed to be going to classes.

We were poor!

I’ve been poor recently because of cash flow issues. But today I got some money. And I’m supposed to get more. So it’s slightly better. I’ve been running my GoFundMe for a few days and some money is coming in for when I’m recovering from surgery. So that’s really good. I hate self promotion. I should probably put it on my Instagram or something. Ahhhhh.

I am doing fine otherwise. I did bloodwork yesterday and an ECG for my surgery. So next I just need to do the pre-op, pick up my prescription, and then go get surgery! I feel like I should have an advent calendar for it or something. A new chocolate every day! In masculine themed shapes (NOT JUST PENISES).

Ha ha that could be a store! Not Just Penises.

Anyway yeah I’m excited for my surgery and the Barbie movie. I will probably go see Oppenheimer also, but like, I am not as excited about watching things blow up.

When my Mom and I were talking about my transition she asked if I was gonna start watching shoot ’em up action films. And I was like, noooo, I’m still the same person.

It’s kind of weird how some people act like I killed the old me and I’m a whole different person now. When I really feel essentially the same but more comfortable. Like I was always a guy. I just wasn’t as open about it before. I don’t know I don’t understand people acting like they are grieving someone who is doing perfectly fine and still alive. I still have most of the same tastes.

Anyway, I’m happy with my progress.

Donate to my GoFundMe! (I’m just sticking these on all my posts for a while forgive me!)

I made a page for this but I have to wait for my webmistress to put it on the navigation tab.

I am getting top surgery this August and as I am a full time artist who relies on the artistic gig economy to get by, I am going to need to get community assistance while I take six weeks off of work. You can support my GoFundMe here!

All money is going towards living expenses for six weeks, including rent, bills, groceries, and transportation.

Please donate! It would make a fascist furious and isn’t that the dream?