The Trouble with the internet

The basic script of the internet itself doesn’t leave much room for deprogramming, because it’s all based in a binary code. In fact, computers themselves are based on knitting, which is also a binary code. So like I said, it makes it hard to get people to think outside of the binaries when the format being used is a binary. So I dunno, maybe you should look at another mandala just so orient yourselves outside of binaries again. You can find bunches of them on Youtube.

Youtube

I have abandoned the idea of putting my video on Youtube. Cannes is soliciting shorts, so I think I might try that instead. Maybe not everything has to be on the internet.

Glassey Glue Incident

I was full on contrary for most of Gifted. I wanted to know if people would actually say what they meant. And so I did stupid boy shit like telling girls for a year that a green shirt was blue until I believed it and maybe they believed it and then I would change my mind on a whim. And most of the time, all of the time really, they seemed to know I was being a little fucker. And I had no idea they would talk about me behind my back until one day they told me to go find a bottle of Glassey Glue. You know Glassey Glue. It’s in all the stores, everyone uses it, you can get it anywhere, it’s the best glue ever. And my sense of fair play made me spend a whole evening dutifully calling every store in Saskatoon looking for Glassey Glue. It doesn’t exist, by the way, although for all I know they put a patent on it for when I would tell this story.

Anyway, yes, they sent me off to prove God exists, because you can do that kind of shit to a contrary and they’ll do it! Except I wanted to prove it all along, so in a way we both won that argument. They are amazing debaters, holy crap. I still don’t think Jesus is the one and only story though, I think all kinds of stories are useful to talk about that kind of thing. And I think I proved that what happened in Bury my Heart At Wounded Knee was fucked up. I should actually start finding where they all went, because I have no idea what most of them are up to. I mean, not in a direct way, in an indirect way I know where they all are. They seem to be sitting in logic and feeling and trying to come together again, because half of them only show logic, which is why it’s so weird. But I think they’ve been figuring out how to talk again. They have some good boundaries with each other.

Commonwealth

Maybe this is just a story about survivors of the Northwest Rebellion. I mean, it was a really turbulent time in history. It laid out the foundation of Canada. And various rights were reneged on both sides, over time. I mean, we didn’t have any money, so all the rights we lost were economic, all the obvious rights anyway. And there was all kinds of back deals being made forever. There are still things poor people can do to survive. Like spending all their gifted education with the upper classes and the lower classes to find out what both were doing. Like admitting defeat on issues of spirituality and Glassey Glue. And trying to find out which questions needed to be asked. I mean, we did teach each other a lot, eventually. And for that reason I’m not sure any of the gifted people who did achieve things forget their weird classmates who were Contrary Mary’s. Or just quiet and strange. We were all curious about each other really. I think we were just supposed to agitate against each other in school to find out where people stand. And people could argue with me really well, I was always so impressed. And sometimes I didn’t even think of myself as being a pain in the ass, because I was used to doing weird shit, I was a boy! But a boy with feelings, and that was really weird for some people, I don’t know why. A lot of gifted boys are all emotional, but they’re taught to hide it. But honestly, they used to burst into tears all the time too, even the really straight ones! That’s just the way boys are.

And some of my favorite gifted people were the ones who grew up in other places in the Commonwealth, and they were fascinating! They totally knew why Roald Dahl was the most important children’s author. They could talk about corporal punishment and candy in the same sentence, they were intense! But they had class about it and I didn’t, not in that particular way anyway. I was totally like “Yeah, let’s start a school s/m club” and they didn’t get that at all. I mean, obviously I didn’t say that. It would have been funny though, which is why I would say something like that. But really, they were going to be kinky, I could so tell! And it was because, they figured out how to make their history fun, by reading these creepy yet funny stories. And they weren’t all white either, they were all kinds of races. And most of them were atheists of some sort, which was interesting. I mean, they acted like atheists, because they really didn’t know if God was real. I think that’s a commonality among many people of the Commonwealth, because the fucking wealth isn’t common!

Boy and Girl

I did have a boy and a girl life pretty much consistently throughout my life. It looked weird at times, because obviously one life would impact on the other, and that was unusual if you didn’t know what I was doing in my boy life, and few people did. In fact, not really anyone ever knew. But I didn’t think anyone could see why both of those genders were useful yet, everyone seemed so ready to take a side instead of look at the variety out there. There are some totally unclassifiable genders out there man! It’s pretty cool. I don’t think many people actually fit into the extreme gender I present sometimes. Not the extreme boy gender anyway. It’s way too intense! The girl gender is kind of innocuous, in her own deadly way. Maybe because she doesn’t quite fit. My girl gender I’m talking about, I mean. Then again maybe I just see her as innocuous because I always felt like she was a role.

It’s like in MASH, the one soldier who cross dresses to try and get out of the army and instead they just start ignoring the fact that he always comes to work in a full length dress. I think there are an eerily high number of soldiers standing around in full length dresses.

Positive Thinking

Well now someone close to me can make earthquakes happen, crap! I told him, think of nice things. He didn’t think it would work, so I asked him to think of nice things for other people, because he has a hard time thinking of them for himself. He says it doesn’t work if he asks for nice things for himself. I told him to get a guitar, but he’s so sad. Fucking hell. I hope he wakes up soon, he’s starting to because he’s remembering things. And they are happy things.

Did you ever see that film Saturday the 14th? It was so bizarre, and there was this great part in the middle of the night where the teenage boy would come downstairs and his whole family would be patting a lump of chocolate pudding and talking weird shit. And a portal to hell opened in the basement. It was a musical. Such weird movies! Anyway, yeah, think of something opposite to what I just said, shit!

For Luke and Steven

My Gender Now

You’ve probably watched me switch genders and sexualities a few times in this blog, which is fine because that’s what happens. Right now, I am still a guy, because for some reason that’s just a form I fit into really well. I can’t pass as a girl. But I still find girls so cool. They know the fine art of being covert, in a way that guys have still never comprehended. I mean, “gossip?” Do you really think they just talk about shoes?

Sometimes they do start talking only about shoes and that’s when I get nervous, because they’re not saying what’s really bothering them, they switch into the happy land and for some reason that comes out all “Shoes. Let’s get shoes.” And you know what I am hearing, from what I know of girls, is “I am so buying some boots right now to fuck you over with.” I mean, most of the time they won’t, most of the time they really do get nice shoes. But there’s always that subtextual thing going on that you have to look out for, because girls talk in codes! They talk in slang and in jokes to get their point across, and it becomes legendary. I’ve seen Bowman in jokes make it to the world. I mean, it can start anywhere. And then people who pick it up have other ideas they attach to it. The internet is a computerized version of real things that happen.

Negotiating a Boy Hero

Luke and Steven spent ages trying to assemble the ultimate superhero for themselves, and of course I was in on all the negotiations. We liked Star Wars, but there’s that Luke Leia thing and they turn out to be brother and sister. But the Force was a good idea. Later on they brought out Star Trek, which was interesting as a future world. They really loved Terminator, and of course I was supposed to be Linda Hamilton. Fucking hell, fine. They were trying to put in what they knew about gender to their superhero you see. And then they loved Aliens, we watched that whole series over and over. And again, I was Sigourney Weaver. Which is hard to live up to!! But the Aliens thing, yeah, totally got it, it was a show down between women where all these guys died, but the guys were kind of stupid, which is why they died, and even in her underwear Sigourney could still shove a huge alien out a space lock and swear all at once!

When they brought over Robocop I was like, WTF? You boys are fucking intense! Now I have to be a cyborg, oh man! And they really were arming me with fucking heavy conflict movies. I wasn’t really originally going to go in that direction of being boy, but it was of the utmost importance. And sometimes they would give me this wild look like “Do you get it yet?” And I did disintegrate with them at the same time, but I was doing it in a different way, because I didn’t want to follow either of their leads because I knew neither was really working. But I did spend time in the psych system, and I did spent time drinking, and both times I was like “Fuck, you guys! Why do you keep doing this? What does this do for you that you keep doing this to yourselves?” I mean, I did know, by then, but I had no way of talking to them about feelings, because they would always start drinking or popping pills. And I started realizing I was going to have to tell them a wild boy story to start getting them out of it. Because that’s the way I talk to people.

When the City of Love was all out of Love

I made the worst mistake and went to Paris with a broken heart once.

It was terrible. I almost asked for french fries I was so distracted. I never got lost, which was the interesting thing, somehow I always knew where I was as long as I was in the old part of Paris. I never got lost in Berlin either. I could always find my way around the two cities. I ended up in weird neighborhoods though, since things change. Especially Berlin, Berlin didn’t make too much sense, but I kind of understood it. But old Paris, yes, I totally was fine wandering around with two suitcases and a broken heart. But the broken heart overwhelmed everything. Not even staring at Le Origin Sur Le Monde for half an hour made up for it. And when I did find a trans statue in the Louvre, some guy came up to me and complained all about trans people, IN FRENCH! And I knew he was bitching out trans bodies, and that pissed me off. At the Louvre, honestly! He was like the French version of the ugly American tourist! Anyway, I spent my whole time in Paris absorbing as much art as I could before I had to leave. I lived off of vendor baguettes. I was such a poor boy!

And every store I went into, the same song played! The same song, always! And it was “All By Myself.” Fucking hell, everywhere I went, even just to look at candy or something equally silly, this maudlin pop song would haunt me! I don’t even know why Europe likes that music. Preston noticed it too when he was there. It makes North America seem so bubblegum.

I stayed on Rue Des Comediens, where the first cup of coffee was served in Europe, actually. And I didn’t get to drink any absinthe, which is what I always try to do every time I travel. I honestly can’t say why, except I think it’s a shame it got corrupted and went off market. Real Absinthe is actually pretty safe, but it got all fucked up by the corporations. Anyway, yes, no absinthe for me. Someone has back engineered the original by the way. But I did always like this kind of bohemian Parisien lifestyle that used to exist. Because it was so decadent and artistic and free. And I think that was really the origin of the French resistance, was in the salons of Paris. Because men and women got together and talked about art, and feelings, and politics, and all their debate happened in a creative way.

I hope I can go to Paris without a broken heart some day, because I’m sure it would be different without that song playing all the time.