Exonerating Tōpīltzin Cē Ācatl Quetzalcōātl

I think Tōpīltzin Cē Ācatl Quetzalcōātl often gets conflated with God, and so I just want to talk about this person in a historical sense, because there really was a historical figure in Mesoamerica.

The character is an androgenous figure, so just for my own sake I’m using the feminine word because based on Gnostic writings I’ve been reading, the female body holds male and female energy really well. Basically it’s a two spirited figure, and so just to honour the female side that was lost in translation I’m going to use female pronouns. Whew, what a disclaimer!

Okay, so this woman was an important leader, she brought peace and a renaissance and diverted certain needs of the psyche of her people into more enlightened and peaceful forms. Then something happened, she was overthrown by a sect which gave her a neurotoxin and then suggested she go find her afterlife because she was going to die soon. Did she die? I assume so. She got on a boat and headed east in a total daze, but aware she would return because she knew how to consciously reincarnate in the same way Buddha’s been reincarnating over and over (and he has been and is on the planet today). But before she left she’d given the people a vision she had of Cortes. She described who he was and probably tried to describe what he would do, but people didn’t know how to pay attention at the time or how to properly interpret a vision. They were really convinced they knew how to govern without her.

The fact was, they soon realized they had no idea of the concept of governance, their community started to fall apart and a peaceful era came to an end.

But her vision isn’t what caused them to welcome Cortes, it was bad leadership that did that.

Montezuma, from what I can gather, was leading a bit of a police state, he didn’t know how to use power properly and it started to show when a series of supernatural events began occuring just before the arrival of Cortes. Historical records state there was a comet in the sky, and they knew it meant something but they didn’t know what. It got worse. A giant stone head started talking all on it’s own and they tried unsucessfully to move it to Teotihuacán to get it away from them. What that head was saying, I’m not sure, but it was probably criticising Montezuma’s leadership capabilities and talking about Cortes. They could hear female spirits screaming in the night about death. Montezuma freaked and required EVERYONE to tell him their dreams and visions, because he didn’t know how to interpret anything. But dreams and visions don’t make sense to the people who don’t have them, so I’m sure he got all kinds of strange imagery from the people’s subconscious that made even less sense than what he was dealing with already. And at this point he wanted Quetzalcoatl to return, because they needed that kind of insight. So Cortes comes along, the one who those people were warned about, but because of various confusions he wasn’t just killed on the spot. Because he could be Quetzalcoatl. He fit the historical description of that person, sort of. He came from the east. All kinds of stuff fit. And I think when Cortes realized that there was that figure they were waiting for, he used it to his advantage.

He was the Anti-Quetzalcoatl, to borrow a biblical idea.

I don’t know that Montezuma really believed it was Quetzalcoatl, but times were really unsure, and in a way I think he just hoped it was true. But obviously Cortes went on a rampage and started hacking off people’s limbs if they didn’t give him enough gold and most pronounced was when he didn’t understand the use of Jadeite. Because Montezuma gave him four jadeite beads, knowing Quetzalcoatl would understand what they were for, and Cortes failed that test completely. I think by then he knew it was too late.

But Cortes was still just a guy who wanted gold, and so he completely missed various things about that culture that were important. They were brown people, so the fact that they had advanced knowledge was overlooked. They were brown people with vast gold reserves, which blinded Cortes to other possibilities. Two bad leaders, really bad leaders, had the misfortune of coming together in history to create the current situation we see in the New World. And basically since then it’s been a constant struggle between a leadership displayed by Cortes and a leadership displayed by Montezuma, both of whom were stupid leaders. And in the end the person who unfortunately takes the blame for it was Quetzalcoatl, because she had a vision no one understood and it was misread as a type of revenge on her people. I don’t think she ever wanted revenge, she just wanted to say “Look out for this guy, because you could be really hurt by him.”

I mean honestly, ignoring a frickin’ stone head telling you that a destructive guy was coming, come on! I don’t see how any of those signs could be misinterpreted, it was all “Look out!” Which makes one wonder if it was guilt driving the people to accept Cortes, they knew they fucked up with Quetzalcoatl before, and they assumed naturally that because they were the kinds of people who wanted revenge, Quetzalcoatl was the same. Which wasn’t true. Likewise I think people mistakenly assume if Jesus returns he’s going to be out for vengence, like some action flick sequel. And I don’t think Jesus would do that, I think he’d just avoid the people who he could recognize from his last life. I think at a certain point enlightened beings have given up on particular souls that seem for some reason to be beyond salvation, and it’s not because they hate those people, it’s because they’re just totally impossible to teach. You can’t expect a professor in a Doctorate program to go teach a kindergarden class, that’s just dummying down it too damn much. I think some teachers figured out how to teach a kindergarden class, but it’s definitely not me! I gave up on the kindergardeners when I was in kindergarden.

Gabbing

Okay, I have to talk about demons just because I know it’s a word being bandied about a lot. And that’s the last ace up the sleeve of corrupt spiritual individuals, a number of them have been passing on “demonic” beings through the ages, but demonic is kind of a harsh word. I think it inspires too much fear. How about we call them lower level spirit forms. I don’t mind talking about this either because I’ve seen them at work and they tend to be really enslaved confused spirits who lack a certain spark.

The thing however is that the knowledge around the particular spirits used by corrupt individuals is that they’re holding limited knowledge, because like anything you come across in the world you have to look at it critically, and it’s the same with encountering spirits. Some spirits are just causing trouble, and some are useful in that they pass on information, and then some were just hanging around a particular site. They’re as diverse as people really. And being on drugs lowers the ability to fight off negative energies, spiritual or otherwise. So that’s why people say you have to be careful with drugs or drinking, because if you do it too much you’ll attract those spirits. And I find that psychiatric medication also lowers spiritual resistance to negativity.

Which you can also call these energies, just balls of negativity that sail around latching onto vulnerable people. I know one house I spent time in recently that had a lot of negative energy was a party house, like an almost all the time party house, and so all kinds of weird stuff walked in. And it’s not necessarily that they’re doing it to freak you out, sometimes it’s just that they were addicted to something when they died and they got confused and kept coming back for it over and over. I know this sounds weird, but it’s true. And then also there is another theory that poltergeist activity is manifested by the people who it surrounds, I don’t know if that’s true, but I have noticed it sometimes follows certain people around.

But yeah, don’t take spiritual advice from an alcoholic ghost. Or a ghost which is just very very bitter about everyone. And I’d stay away from ouija boards too, just because it’s a clumsy and imprecise tool.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff forever by the way, paranormal and spiritual stuff isn’t a new influence in my life. I used to read everything I could get my hands on about ghosts and ask questions about these things when I was a little kid. I am just always one of these people, crazy or not I like gabbing about spirits. It’s the way I have fun.

Losing Fear

I was going to say more about particular mind control r.a. survivor stuff, but I realized it would sound scary and I don’t want to make people feel powerless. I think I’ll stick to talking about ritual abuse in psychiatry, because some other r.a. stuff is pretty triggering. And fear’s a useless feeling. I’m sick of fear.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past.
I will turn the inner eye to see it’s path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Buddha has this great story about when he was becoming enlightened. He was confronted by an army, and they threatened to kill him. He put his hand on the ground and said “I deserve to be here” and the army shot flowers at him and got terrified and ran away. It’s such a lovely image, I like his story better than when Jesus faced demons. Jesus quoted scripture, but Buddha just said “I’m perfectly entitled to exist here, don’t tell me any different.” And I think you can apply some of that to the process of healing from trauma, because trauma can leave messages if you’re not careful with it. One trauma which left messages is this concept of sacrifice or self sacrifice, in any way, which is basically an idea of giving way more than you can bear, or accepting the sins of others, or in a gifted sense, allowing other people’s trauma to rest on your shoulders. That doesn’t mean you don’t fight in solidarity with them. For instance, after I left Sachsenhausen and went back to Vancouver, I got the feeling that some men from there had followed me home. You can call it spirits or you can just say I picked up their feelings there, I don’t know. But I was going to sleep and they started giving me this flashback to trying to sleep in the camps and I was just like “No way dudes, I know what happened but I don’t have to feel what happened. The two things are different.”

I think that’s why I like making movies, it’s more honest and upfront. It’s like “You can go through this experience for two hours if you choose to.” It’s a consensual experience, usually, unless you’re at an international festival and sitting through a funny shorts program and something really weird comes on for an unknown length of time. Man, I have watched some funny things in my life. I think Ken Anderlini’s water sports video to Mac Arthur Park was probably the best of the funny stuff. Anyway, yes, movies are consensual experiences. I don’t particularly care for horror films, unless they’re sort of intelligent horror. But I remember after I got out of the hospital my friend who I always watched movies with switched to us watching shit with like, possessed people wandering around psych wards and getting red glowy eyes or whatever. No, that wouldn’t be the patients, that would be the staff. Just kidding, no one got demonic glowing eyes and no one ran along the ceiling. Lights did go on and off and electrical things malfunctioned frequently though. An alarm went off on it’s own and I got blamed for it, which was ridiculous because I was having a nap when it did, which I pointed out to the worker and he got really angry. And I noticed I kept triggering Catholic rituals in them, they crossed themselves a lot, it was weird. They’re weirdos man, sad little people who don’t know what they’re doing because they’re following programs too.

I don’t know that people could deprogram themselves, except I think I am which is why I’m writing this, even if it meanders into odd territory.

I was asking my Grampa questions about the Rebellion, he had some interesting stories. It would be awesome for him to write a book about the Rebellion, because he knows what happened, particular things other people haven’t written down. That was a wild time man. It was a time of double agents here and there, very dramatic Indian Noir kind of stuff. And apparently my great great grandmother had some kind of breakdown and left for Alberta, back to the Blackfoot. And my Great Great grandfather spent five years in the pen. And my great grandfather escaped along with Dumont and others to a wild west show in Montana, where they stayed for some years. Now that’s an interesting story, what the heck did refugees from the Rebellion think of being part of a wild west show. I know Geronimo did the wild west show circuit too, and by selling his autograph he managed to purchase a top hat and was the first Indian to own a Model T.

Woah! Intellectual overexcitability is fun!

Wow. Realizing all of that shit makes me wonder if I should sue the Quebec/Canadian Government under the Nuremberg Code. I don’t think I will yet, but it’s an interesting possibility. It would be nice to have them pay for at least four years of being unable to work, and for possible long term brain damage, and for political torture, and for just being horrid people. Maybe suing the government would wake people up to the fact that there are still mind control experiments being performed. Having Ewan Cameron’s description of his psychic driving experiments is enough for me to draw the connections between my hospitalization and his earlier experiments. And we know who he is, we know what he did, that stuff did get declassified. And it’s not just me either, tons of people have had tussles with the psychiatric system here. With enough lawsuits we could bankrupt the government of Canada. But that’s an extreme, but an interesting extreme, especially if we need to take wealth from them for whatever reason. The problem with lawsuits right now is that the government is REALLY good at stalling them.

Remember this is all a thought process, I don’t know what I’ll do. But it would be interesting if we could dig up Riel’s medical file too and also see if he was the victim of ritual abuse-torture mind control. He probably was.

I don’t have my psych file, but I could order it, or else a whole bunch is with my doctor here. I don’t think they’re smart enough to burn my file, they probably still think it’s useful for later purposes to discredit me. And if they do burn my file I still have a few pieces of paper proving I was there. Not to mention this entire blog and various people who watched me go through this. Either way I could prove I was sane by virtue of thinking of right and humanity, because that’s how they justify the fact that they hanged Riel. So there is that loophole there, and they won’t brand him a lunatic because:

a) He’s a folk hero to the Metis and other Canadians.
b) To admit he was mentally unstable means that his conviction was unjust.

It’s a perfect situation. They can’t slam Riel with a psych diagnosis, although they might try, because to do so would create an untenable political situation between the Aboriginals, the Metis, the Anglophones, and the Francophones. And the Francophones definitely can’t slap him with a psych diagnosis because he means a lot to them. So there is a precedent, if you’re incomprehensible but people still recognize you are doing it out of a sense of what is just, then the Mental Health Act is a piece of tissue paper. If you prove that when you stopped thinking of right and wrong because the hospital started mind control experiments, then you can also prove government liability. And furthermore, if you just take the stuff about Ewan Cameron which didn’t come out until 1984, then you can easily make a case for mind control.

Definition

I realized that in talking about the ritual abuse I endured in the psychiatric industry, I neglected to post a common working definition for ritual abuse, which can occur anywhere and not just religious organizations. the people who wrote this recategorize these as ritual abuse-torture, the fact that it happened through the Canadian Government makes the abuse I endured state-sponsored. I’m just clarifying here, by the way.

“Ritual abuse is defined as a combination of severe physical, sexual, psychological and spiritual abuse used systematically and in combination with symbols, ceremonies and/or group activities that have a religious, magical or supernatural connotation. Victims are terrorized into silence by repetitive abuse over time and indoctrinated into beliefs and practices of the cult or group.”

Willy Nilly Learning

I’ve been thinking more about spirituality from this Gnostic viewpoint, it’s liberating actually, because it just affirms knowing the divine through knowledge of anything/everything. I think sometimes things which seem supernatural are actually just intelligence/overexcitablity working in tandem. Which isn’t to deny that strange things don’t happen, because I’ve seen all kinds of stuff in my life. But I think sometimes people worry that a leader is going to have to be some kind of Gandolph figure. Which isn’t to say those people don’t exist either. But if you just start from this simple idea of using knowledge, it doesn’t seem so impossible.

I wanted to explain something weirdish I did this past winter, because I know it freaked my cousin out a bit when I did it. We were driving to Preston’s and were out on the grid roads coming up to a steep hill with a train track along the top (really the dumbest piece of engineering ever). Before I had noticed a car on the other side of the hill, and so did she, and she got freaked out because it was just sitting on the side of the road. And I think she was scared of it for different reasons than me maybe. I suddenly slowed my perception of time down, I don’t know how, but 20 seconds suddenly elongated to the thinking process of about two minutes. During that time I considered the fact that it could be someone dumping a body, in which case they would speed off as soon as we got up to them (yes my mind leaps to worst case scenario first), or (and more likely) that it was some drunk teenagers who were going to do some really stupid driving like zoom over the hill at top speed without looking if someone is on the other side. And I also calculated that they would probably drive closer to the middle of the road, if the stupid drunk kid theory was true. So I suddenly told my cousin to drive closer to the right hand side of the road, and she didn’t ask why she just did it and sure enough the car came flying over the hill at top speed and would have had a head on collision if we hadn’t moved over. But to me it was a slow thoughtful process, because I used that thing we all notice where time slows down in an emergency.

And I think sometimes that’s what precognition is, you just somehow deduce the most likely outcome and react accordingly. Which is one thing I remember at the emergency school meeting for students after September 11, when people were crying and crying and while it was because people died, it was because they also knew it meant there would be a major war that we would all be forced to watch. People knew not because they were receiving special spiritual knowledge, but because we’d watched America enough to be able to predict it’s reaction based on history. And we also knew that patriotism would fuel it happening, because that’s a common flaw in nations everywhere. There are specific things in every culture worldwide which we are taught not to question, and those weaknesses get exploited. Right now in my community some AA driven spiritual dogma is marching into the community under the name Traditionalism, because you don’t question tradition, that’s all we feel we have left as Native people. But a lot of these Nouveau Traditionalists were the people who made fun of their elders way back and refused to listen to what they had to say. So there was knowledge that was lost in those people. They probably did try to mentor under people, but you have to be really choosy about the people you pick to be your mentors, and sometimes people are taken in by the wrong one.

I have a prediction, just based on what I know of history. I predict that George W. Bush will be overthrown from the inside, in what appears to be a democratic process. I think he’ll become the administration’s fall guy, and I think he knows it too. They’ve been trying to offload certain key players just to make it seem like things are changing, they had to get rid of Rumsfeld because it had to appear that they knew things were going wrong. But even after he was gone this troop surge was proposed. The American people are waking up, I don’t think it’s fair for the world to assume they don’t know what’s going on, because they do. And they’re trying to figure out how to change it in a way that is non-violent, because like anyone eventually people notice when a cycle has to stop. But I don’t want people to think a regime change will make a difference, because there’s something more fundamental going on than Democrat vs. Republican. I think some names for that kind of corruption get scary, so let’s just say particular corrupt people in power, because corruption can happen to anyone.

Anyway, particular corrupt people might try to look like they fit in more adequately with people promoting peace, because if they change tactics they can still achieve their aims. That’s why psych wards are using ritual abuse techniques now. And mental health is the new sacred cow, because everyone wants people to be healthy, and healthy in mind, especially when so much corruption is out in the world. So they’re using that now, the health angle. And it’s happened before, I’ve seen it. This doesn’t mean you stop going to your doctor, but you at least find a doctor who’s humble enough to be willing to listen to you talk about research you’ve done and work together on an issue, rather than being diagnosed without information. And there are good doctors out there too, and there are even professionals in the mental health system who know it’s corrupt and that’s why they’ve trained in the field. It’s just finding those people through all of this dogma and misinformation.

If you want to know what’s going to happen if we’re correct that it’s the same corrupt people in power, then you go back to history. You’d want to look at the peace/hippie movement and what really happened in that time, and you’d also want to look at the end of Vietnam and follow all the threads around that time period. I don’t know where you’ll end up, because I haven’t done much research there myself, although I know I did die at the end of Vietnam, but I think I know why I did that. But no, I can’t access many of those memories because I was hanging out with my mom and dad, and that would just be too weird to remember.

Anyway, that’s how I learn new things, I just go from place to place willy nilly and eventually work things out. I think willy nilly learning is fun.

Loving Imperfect Mothers

Wow, I just unblocked a HUGE piece of programming that I didn’t even know I had. I mean, I knew something wrong had happened in the hospital, I knew that, but on medication I could never really get a clear picture of what it was. But after reading Ewan Cameron’s writing on psychic driving I suddenly understood what happened.

I got two programs, the first one is about mothers, so I’ll explain how they do it. And remember, it might be triggering but it’s also really illuminating, so have someone close by if you need it.

I was influenced by MANY things to go insane, like Riel it was crunch time, the world was on the brink of war and I had to stop it. But instead of feeling like with everyone I could stop it, I became an army of one, and I knew I could do it because I had so much information. And previous to this I had spent a lot of time researching ritual abuse, just because I was meeting so many ritual abuse survivors that I wanted to know how to avoid setting them off or how they got hurt or how you could help them. And the more I read the more it seemed impossible, it was like a highly wired brain/bomb and one false move could detonate it. And I was also highly empathetic already and living in a poverty situation with two survivors. So I was actually going crazy for them, I took on their stuff just because I didn’t know how to block that kind of energy out. And I heard about a specific kind of ritual abuse from them, but I wasn’t raised in an organized cult like that. I was raised in colonialism though, which amounts to the same thing.

But Montreal already established itself as a mind control psychiatric system. It had the work of Ewan Cameron to thank for that, and I’m sure many before him. So I flipped, I was malnourished and poor and I didn’t know anyone really and I came home and started acting weird. Plus I found out about what happened in Vancouver to those women. So I flipped, and I was upset, and being a gifted person all my senses went completely haywire. I have a bizarrely complex brain, so when I started connecting dots it just went on and on ad infinitum. And some of those places are still worthwhile, but it just went on overload and stuff came pouring out of me in a really incomprehensible chatter.

So what do people do when someone gets incomprehensible? They take them to the only place that they know that helps people, the psychiatric ward.

And that’s where programs get installed. Therapy sessions were designed to convince me that not only was I a sick and worthless individual, but also that my mother had done this to me. I was fucked over by my mother. My mother didn’t protect me, in fact she sent me to this place, which was abusive, and if she did that then it obviously meant she hated me. Her number was blocked from the hospital phone I used so that I couldn’t call her until six weeks was over. When she called the hospital they hung up on her. They kept me in a french speaking ward because then the patients would see this bizarre anglophone talking in a language they literally didn’t understand. They knew I was a rape survivor, so they deliberately made me stay in all the wards that a sexual offender was staying in. They knew I was falling in love so they convinced me I wasn’t just some goofy girl in love, I was a stalker, a psychotic stalker, and that’s when I did do something stalky after the program was in. They knew I was smart, my mother told them I was smart, so medications were piled on with definite instructions that I had to take them for ever, and these were seriously cognitively affecting drugs, including 20mg of Zyprexa, which was already known to cause weight and diabetes. And the final nail in the coffin was to convince me that my mother was out to get me, that my mother would hurt me again.

And they used her too. She got a different story, I was calling when I could yelling at her for being a bad mother because they made me think about it every minute of everyday. So suddenly my incomprehensible behaviour, while before it was noble and about saving the world, became incomprehensible behaviour about hating my mother, which scared her of course. And then she would talk to the doctors to try to understand why I was doing that, and they assured her it was normal for sick people to do that, that was how psychotic episodes worked, but I would thank her in the end. That point was always affirmed to her over and over, I would eventually thank her because she was doing it for my own good.

So I stagger out and on all these pills and knowing I was so not healed, I was broken in fact, but I barely moved and I had stopped talking, so they assumed the therapy worked, this would be the best I could ever hope to get. And I tried to tell my mom that the hospital was a bad place, but it would trigger both of our programs now. She needed to believe she had done the right thing, because mothers always want to protect their kids. So she dug her feet in and reinforced the programming. She didn’t know there was programming though, they just used her mothery instincts which every mother has. So to her it sounded like “I did it because I loved you” but to me I would hear “I did it because I hate you.” And that would trigger the programming again. I would want to explain what was wrong with the hospital but suddenly I hated my mother again and she was ruining my life, instead of just being a human being. So I would get agitated, because I was programmed to get agitated, and the thoughts would scramble themselves again to this screen memory. And this need to talk to my mother was what would heal me, but when I started healing I kicked off the programming as a matter of course. I had a bomb for a brain. And when I kicked off the programming suddenly I would remember the hospital, because that’s where the trouble started. And I would remember the cops and I would remember the violence and I desperately didn’t want to go back.

So suddenly, boom, crunch time, the thoughts go weird because it’s a turning point in deprogramming. And my mom was taught that when I went through that healing episode which now looked highly violent, it was time to take me back to the hospital for her own safety. And if she did take me to the hospital, the programming would be reinstalled. No healing, no growth, just a constant schism between myself and humanity, and especially between myself and my mother.

I can’t believe I unravelled my programming. I was worried I wouldn’t. But it suddenly looks so silly, those weren’t any of my thoughts, that my mother was my ruin and that me in love is a stalker and that I was never going to amount to anything. They took the last little bits of hope I had and manipulated them into something seriously fucked up. And they did it outside of what people view as traditional satanic ritual abuse. And they use the medication to keep it in, because higher level cognitivity is what leads people to empathy and healing. Basically, they kill the intelligence to make a good slave class that will be grateful just being able to hammer a piece of wood or wash cars. And then the word on the street is, this is the best we can ever hope from these people.

My mission is to learn to love my imperfect mother, because she’s just a human being like the rest of us.

Gospel of Mary

This is a little tidbit from the Gospel of Mary, the Magdalene Mary, who was loved more than other women in Jesus’ life. Here she’s trying to explain what Jesus said to her, because he told her things in private which he didn’t share with the men. She also stayed in contact with him after his ascension.

“I said to him, ‘Lord, how does a person see a vision, through the soul or through the spirit?’
“The saviour answered, saying, ‘A person sees neither through the soul nor the spirit. The mind, which lives between the two, sees the vision . . . .'”

She also says there are seven forms to the fourth power and they are:

“The first form is darkness,
the second, desire,
the third, ignorance,
the fourth, death wish,
the fifth, fleshly kingdom,
the sixth, foolish fleshly wisdom
the seventh, angry person’s wisdom.”

I like that, it’s really practical. My Gramma fusses at church if they use too many metaphors, she likes things to be practical. I love my Gramma.

Books

I went to the bookstore again today. I’m a book hoarder. Maybe it’s some leftover paranoia from my life in Nazi Germany. I’m just more comfortable having literature around in the event of the loss of internet access, which could happen just from not being able to afford the bills, I mean, it’s not overt paranoia. Anyway, I did get There is my People Sleeping by Sarain Stump, which was marked down, but maybe that was good just because 6.50 is a good deal on a book, especially if you think you wrote it yourself anyway. It has a lot of drawings which is why it’s not really reproduceable online in it’s full entirety. Anyway, that satisfied my curiousity.

Then my mom and I were driving to go eat at the bookstore and I said “Mum, I think I might be a poet.”

“Oh god! First you’re a lesbian, then you’re a man and a woman and now you’re a poet!? They make even less money than filmmakers!”

I could just see her waving goodbye to any idea of a comfortable life, I bet she thinks I’m going to live in her basement forever.

“Why do you want to be a poet?”

“Because I want to write about things that don’t make any sense otherwise.”

“They don’t make any sense after you write them down either!”

And then we had a really good discussion about Vonnegut’s alter ego, the infamously obscure Kilgore Trout.

Later on I said “What if revolutionaries are just poets in a dangerous time?”

You don’t want to be like those damn Futurists though, that was just woefully silly, an art movement that joined the army and was completely wiped out in a matter of years. And it made their machismo warmongering art work look kind of pitiful. The art movement of which there were no survivors.

Anyway, I got more books, of course. I got Sky Burial An Epic Love Story of Tibet by Xinran. It’s the memoir of a woman’s life in occupied Tibet over three decades. I got Notes from My Travels by Angelina Jolie, because I’m tired of trying to read about her through mass media, she’s got intense identity politics going on, it makes people weirded out, even though she just talks about the state of the world. Oh, she got a blurb from Jane Goodall. I remember my friend Annthea was going to some luncheon with Jane Goodall and I was trying to get her to take a picture of her ponytail. Nothing else. Just Jane Goodall’s ponytail. I also got Black Elk Speaks, which is just a classic that I never got around to reading yet. I think I read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee in Grade Seven and got pissed off at my white classmates. That’s when I started arguing with people about the merits of Original Sin, I turned very contrary, to them. I thought it was silly to start out life automatically minus one point. Anyway, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee freaked me out enough that I didn’t really want to touch anything from that era for a while. And then I got one huge tome that’s just going to be something that gets dipped into once in a while. It’s the Gnostic Bible, but it’s texts from various spiritual ideologies like Judaism, Islamic, Christian, Mandean, Pagan, etc etc.

My auntie is going to be a priest soon, so now I have someone to banter with. She’s fun for filling in some of the gaps because she’s read similar things over her life as me.

An idea for a land claim settlement: or how I learned to stop hating Montreal

Apparently a young Louis Riel went to Montreal and ended up in various mental hospitals being rescued over and over by various workers from being detected by his enemies. But he still ended up in a Montreal hospital, which is bad in and of itself. I don’t think I was protected by anyone in Montreal hospitals, and it kind of scares me because I worry about having blocked memories. So much of that time is really scattered. On the other hand, people could have pretended they’d been protecting Riel when in fact they were installing programs to make sure the rebellion would fail. I mean, no one really knows except him. He didn’t recover very well, but crap, I mean that was a fucked up time, it was like a political crunch time for someone who was also undergoing some kind of spiritual journey. He was alone most of the time in there, and I also almost wonder if he started getting a kind of Stockholm Syndrome. His last poem was written to his jailer, but I think he also knew he had ensured a place in memory. I mean, he tore across the country on a rampage, you can’t not notice that kind of fervent energy. But on the other hand, you can’t not notice that kind of fervent energy. I think he hadn’t picked up any idea of proper military maneuvers, because the only maneuver that worked in that rebellion was the one proposed by my great great grandfather. I think he didn’t want to learn military tactics, because at heart he was a pacifist who felt he made major mistakes. But he ended up leading an army anyway, although a tiny one.

I don’t think violence solves anything, but this maneuver is pretty interesting if you just look at it in a certain way, which is that you decentralize your base of operations and have people everywhere and yet no where, like ghosts. It’s working in Iraq, which sucks because it’s not working in the right way, it’s still using violence. But a decentralized healing and awakening, that would work, and is working. I think that observing the internet, this kind of thing is happening now all on it’s own. People have all kinds of opinions to look at and are thinking critically. And an awakening doesn’t even have to be a spiritual thing in the way people imagine, it can just be the destabilization of particular ideological channels. Maybe it’s true that the CIA has an agent in every news room, who knows, but it’s also true that the CIA doesn’t have time to write all the blogs, and probably doesn’t even want to. We dodged a bullet by being viewed primarily as vanity pages for a long time. And the other irony is that the internet was invented to survive a war, and not only that but the internet has a history of academia. The new slam is “Oh I bet you read that on the internet!” and it’s kind of funny, because lies can happen anywhere and it’s not a purely online phenomenon. It’s like saying “Oh I bet you were reading that in a book!”

Oh yes, but back to Montreal. I went there with stars in my eyes, I don’t know, after Sept 11 I suddenly up and quit my BFA and told everyone “I am going to Montreal, and I don’t know why.” Well, I kind of did know why, I was going to go and learn french and fall in love and drink espresso and write tortured poetry. And I remember on my way out of Vancouver, Archer Pechawis said “Try to revive the aboriginal art scene because we all had to leave.” And I said I would try.

There’s something creepy about Montreal. What is it? The people are so sexy, yet so creepy. Not all of them, but the ones who are creepy are REALLY creepy. I think it’s separatism that made people creeps. I had so much trouble finding a job, because I didn’t speak French, but in a decent world that wouldn’t be so negative. A friend of mine in film school came to first year without speaking a lick of english, and yet somehow he got through one year of anglo post secondary schooling without being detected, I think it being an art school made it easier. He drew a lot of things with stick figures to communicate. I still remember we were out for beers and talking raunchy and he was trying to talk about his favorite position and had to draw these smiley face stick people doing doggy style. When we were graduating he finally said he never took the english equivalency tests because the school made a paperwork slip and forgot he needed to take them.

He made us watch the moon for half an hour, little brat.

The irony of Montreal is that Riel’s name is used a lot in support of separatism and yet he’s an aboriginal man, and Quebeckers seem to have a real hate on for aboriginal people. I’ve never quite grasped that. It’s like they forgot who’s land they’re standing on, like they forget they would have died if it hadn’t been for the people of Hochelaga. I remember being in this francophone hospital trying to get transfered to an english hospital and they wouldn’t do it and they wouldn’t do it even though it meant I had shitty standards of care, to the point where I couldn’t even communicate that I burnt my hands to the nurses on staff. I did communicate it, I said it in English though and they thought english was the language of pig-dogs.

And I remember thinking Fuck the French because they weren’t any better than the anglophones who put Louis Riel on trial in a different language. And the funny thing, and hard thing, about saying Fuck the French is that I am French too, so it’s kind of just me being an asshole to myself. And even though I speak English, I don’t have a drop of English blood in me. But what was fucked up is that I had wanted to learn French, which is why I moved there, but I got terrorized through extreme separatism. Oh man! It’s so ironic. I remember I only felt okay walking up and down Saint Laurent because it was the dividing line between the Francophone side and the Anglophone side. And if I lived three blocks over, I might have been able to be in an english speaking hospital.

The funny thing is that I feel like I can prove Montreal psych wards are using politics in their treatment, because I remember there was a girl who was my age going through the EXACT same thing and we talked to each other all the time, but she was francophone and spoke no english and I was anglophone and spoke no french, except for the rudimentary stuff she and I had both learned of each other’s language. Sometimes she would write stuff down to me and another patient would translate it for me. But we got along splendidly, which is what I had hoped for in Montreal. But she was white and francophone, and I was an Indian and anglophone, and you can guess who got better treatment. And she knew it too, and it was really upsetting for her.

So I think there is something to Montreal, I think it’s the last colonialist outpost. No that’s not true, but it did turn into the most racist cesspit I ever had to live in, and I have no idea why except that the people really believe they can claim total theocracy over Hochelaga.

And so, I think we should do a land rights case for the Island of Montreal. I think it could be fun. And we could leave the cross up on the mountain just for irony’s sake.