Big Pharma is terrorizing scientists.
By the way, does anyone have a listing of who owns stock in the major Pharmaceutical companies? This might help shed light on this tricky situation. Note that this story is from 2000, this isn’t just coming to light now.
I just want to say one thing, which I won’t go into detail about right now, is that I think it’s time we move towards nonduality, which doesn’t mean “sameness” but does mean incorporating both “light” and “dark” aspects in a healthy way. I think any kind of Absolute can miss out on truth. For instance, something which is all light and doesn’t know anything about darkness can get hurt or mislead easily, it’s too trusting. And it’s the same with darkness, if it doesn’t know anything about light it can be really dumb. And I’m not talking about any particular race or gender or anything, I’m just talking about this in an abstract conceptual sense.
Once a friend of mine said to me “What is wrong with us? We want to prise up the rock and look underneath.”
It’s true though, I think sometimes you HAVE to look under the rock to see what’s going on over there, and if it has any relevance on what you’re doing over here, and if you’re doing the same thing even. And sometimes things under the rock aren’t so bad either, just different.
Being diagnosed manic depressive was fucked up, because no matter which way I went people pathologized it. If I was sad it was always “Oh no, she’ll kill herself” and if I was happy it was always “Oh crap, and now she’s going manic.” And the irony was that it sometimes seemed to be when I had an equilibrium that people got worried. Same with my race, and my gender, etc. Anytime someone says that something is pure or purity is good I get grossed out, whether it’s white supremacists or native activists or feminists or whoever. It denotes this idea of singularity which no one can ever achieve, or if they can I don’t want to know them. And I mean single AND separate/superior, not ideas of Oneness, which is really nonduality and something entirely different.
I don’t think our planet is evolving towards the triumph of good over evil, or vice versa. I think our planet is moving towards a unity between two poles, and a lot of other people think so as well. What that will look like I don’t know, and I’m not willing to hazard a guess either. I think it will eventually resolve issues of violence, since suddenly there won’t be any such thing as “sides.” There is no side. I don’t think it will be boring though. People will still be complex little creatures, we won’t be friggin’ pod people or anything. And I think we’ll still debate and disagree, but I don’t think it will be with the same vehemence, I think it will be more like learning. And ideas around power will change. Already a lot of intellectual/artistic type people are abandoning this corporate exchange in ideas, I think people should be paid for their work, but I also think there’s something insideous about trying to control information. I remember when everyone was happy, the internet was the Information Superhighway and we were going to have revolutionized lives. And now certain people are like “Fuck! The internet is a goddamn Information Superhighway and my kid’s been hitchhiking!” Lots of people are panicking because information is accessible in a way never before seen in human history. Look at porn laws, blogging laws being drafted, attempts to create geographical boundaries in Cyberspace, shutting down Napster and other P2P file sharing systems. Not all of it is about intellectual property laws.
I was reading in The Politics of Jesus that the main crucial difference between him and his followers was that he was literate, which was still a rare thing back then. I don’t think only literate people are worthwhile, but being fluent in ideas does give an advantage. Even cultures without writing systems had very advanced ideas being exchanged through oral storytelling, which is why eliminating Native languages was the number one priority of the colonizers. In other places this has been book burning, outlawing certain thoughts even as “treason.” The Patriot Act itself is a giant muzzle law, and here in Canada the residential school claimants are forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement and state that additional charges will not be brought against the government. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Bush has begun to institute “mental health screening” for every citizen.
In an interview for Medulla, Bjork said “You know, its ironic that just at the point the lawyers and the businessmen had calculated how to control music, the internet comes along and fucks everything up.” Bjork gives the finger again, this time waving it into the air. “God bless the internet,” she adds.
And what about you, then?
“I’ll still be there, waving a pirate flag.”
If you don’t want to read the amazing book Mad In America by Robert Whitaker, at least read Psychiatric Drugs: Chemical Warfare on Humans where he covers some of the salient points including the INCREASE in mental illness related disability involved in using psych meds.
Addendum:
A new study shows experts involved in defining mental illness according to the DSM are paid for by the Pharmaceutical companies. (I hope you’re following this money trail with me).
I think one of the scariest things when I went to the hospital was that I could briefly see people’s true form, and so during my time in emergency I recognized two workers as Nazi’s from a past life, I don’t remember what they were doing in the last life, but I could see them really clearly, and I could recognize that they were only attracted to the job because it utilized the same power structure as the camps. They got to order us around and stay in the relative safety of the nurses station. It was so horrifying, and then people kept wondering why I was so upset with where they put me.
I remember I kept trying to get transfered to Jewish General, because a native friend of mine had seen a psychiatrist there who knew that aboriginal people commonly see spirits. I knew it would be a safer place for me to be, but they refused to transfer me out. It was so frustrating. And I had to renounce everything I knew to be true in order to get out, so frustrating.
People still sometimes recommend taking people in spiritual emergency to psychiatric wards and I would have to say DON’T FUCKING DO IT! You have no idea what power installed those structures. I think we need to make safe houses OUTSIDE of psychiatry, I don’t think the dominant medical model knows how to take care of people, in fact I know they don’t. People are really naive about the darkness. And that’s the problem with living in a polarity structure, light and dark can be used interchangably, and people can get confused really easily. Look at any fundamentalist religion. Psychiatry itself is also a fundamentalism, it’s horribly resistant to new ideas, even new ideas which work.
I think right now I’m attracted to Buddhism over other spiritual practices, but mostly because it’s based in a scientific method. I mean, Buddha didn’t try to explain other worlds too too much, he just lay out a map for enlightenment. He even said he didn’t want to because he would be disappointed. It’s more of a spiritual experiment, like an empty vessel, and people tend to find the same place if they follow the parameters. But even so, once you get deeper into it Buddhist teachers do talk about all the other things.
I suppose you might wonder why I’m not following aboriginal spirituality completely, and I can explain why. A lot of colonialism instilled very fundamentalist christian ideology into native spirituality and wrapped it up in a “Traditional” package. I’ve heard all kinds of bizarre “truths” which I tend to dismiss just based on my own critical thinking. Either way, it’s very hard to find a spiritual advisor who’s coming from aboriginal spirituality who isn’t tainted with colonialist interferance. Not to say they don’t exist, there are people who kept it going, but you have to be aware enough to tell the difference. Plus some spiritual leaders teaching tainted knowledge get pissy if you tell them it’s bunk.
My cousin is being used as a psych med guinea pig. He was stabilized on a medication sort of so they thought they would put him in a drug study for a new injectable. He’s been in nearly every drug study that comes along. He’s really messed up from it, his eyes are wide in horror all the time, it’s hideous. And the family is still naive enough to believe Canada’s medical system actually cares about the sanity of an aboriginal man. I’m worried he’s slipping into akathisia and is going to hurt someone or himself. But I feel so helpless, no one will listen to me anyway.
Oh yes, and currently I am listening to Bjork’s Medulla album, which doesn’t make any sense if you’re not in the right frame of mind yet, but it has all kinds of really useful chants and throat singing. She’s got a new one coming out in May. Ancestors is my favorite song right now. I’m also attracted to octagonal structures these days, which is interesting because not only is it the same shape as the Mayan calendar, but it’s also the same shape as magnetite crystals in the brain and there has even been a recent discovery that DNA can transform into an octahedron form.
This is a lot nicer and gentler than I expected, still kind of strange. I resolved the sleep issue by doing a sort of clearing/protection thing in my bedroom, which doesn’t take long and keeps things from bothering me and waking me up. I had the best sleep last night, I didn’t feel scared. And I’m starting to hear the ocean, like once in a while, it just shows up, which is pretty common for people in this experience. I’m also feeling this cool breeze sometimes, out of nowhere, it’s like the breeze you’d find in a cherry tree. I think the worst physical symptom recently was when my eyes were burning and watery, but it’s gone away. Still, that granthi knot thing took about a week to totally resolve, and I thought it was gone a few times and it came back.
I guess, I’m only telling the physical side of it really, because that’s all people will see when they look at me, so that’s all you’re getting. I did get a rash again, but it’s going away and I think I know what it’s related to.
I was listening to this scientist who studied neurology and mystical states and he says there are magnetite crystals in the brain, like just particles here and there like all other cellular systems. And he said that people ascending sometimes have problems because they go for electrical energy and it’s supposed to be using magnetic energy. So I don’t know much about magnets, except from playing with them and watching the northern lights. But maybe I’ll look into how they work more. I do know when too much electrical energy is in my body it messes me up, I get confused and things start to happen that shouldn’t. But I’ve never paid attention to magnetic energy, I don’t even really know what it feels like.
I’m thinking of going for a tour of the Synchrotron. It’s a sub atomic particle accelerator here in Saskatoon, for all I know one of my old classmates might work there. If I go I will bring back pictures.
Fucking hell, do I ever hate colonialism. Especially today. I’m deeply suspicious, and I hate feeling like that. I’m realizing that when I had my psychotic episode and got hospitalized I became locked into one state of being for a VERY long time, like four years. And that doesn’t mean four years of being in an ordinary state, that was like four years of being in the underworld. Ugh!! And now I’m getting out of it and I have no one to talk to because a lot of new stuff is happening which is very unusual in this culture I got stuck with. I’m being a very critical thinker though, which is good. But mostly I’m talking to more spiritual friends of mine who kind of get it. I guess I am having a spiritual emergence right now, which is corresponding to various states of spiritual emergence including kundalini awakening, shamanic crisis, unitive consciousness, psychic opening, and psychological renewal through central archetype. Which can all be found on this page here.
I’m doing well with it, I think. I’m keeping myself grounded by walks and doing physical labour, I’m still taking all my vitamins and so on, I’m trying to spend more time in nature. My body is changing on me and that’s weird, things flare up and go away. I’m more sensitive to certain things, like foods and sounds. I’m just trying to make sure I pay attention to the physical side of living and don’t drift away for good. I think I’m doing well on that front, I’m maintaining myself decently, still care enough to wash and clean and look after all the animals. I’m temporarily having a moratorium on the news, but I glance at it now and then. I feel pretty safe actually, since I’m on my home territory. I don’t feel like I have too much energy. I’m having trouble absorbing new information though, there’s a lot being worked out internally that’s taking up all the space. And then there is sort of a mystical undercurrent, but I’m not confusing it with this world which is good.
I’m ridiculously shy again, which is kind of funny. Maybe that’s just self preservation though. Sometimes I get ridiculous shivers up and down my body, or get super hot or super cold. It’s definitely not as highly dramatic as the first presentation, but I was in a state of extreme distress at the time. There are some other things showing up that I need to talk to someone about, but that person would have to be pretty conscious, I don’t want to explain it to someone with a tiny view, it would be too weird for both of us. There are at least two people who are kind of acting like spiritually aware bumper cars who keep pushing me back to a decent spot, and that’s really good. But without being evil, I mean they don’t tell me to fuck off to the bin, which is good. I’ve been reading everything I can on what to expect, you’d be surprised how much information is on the web about spiritual emergence. There’s actually a very good blog called Spiritual Emergency which is written by someone who’s been there.
I also found out there’s more than 7 chakras, fucking hell. I mean, in all the images it just spirals out after the crown and then that’s it, but it’s not true. There’s five more!! Really though, I do feel pretty secure, just confused. But not nearly so terrified as when it first happened in Montreal. I’m not in the heavy dark stuff really, which is where I was at the beginning. I’m trying to put some kind of more individual spiritual practice in my life so I can express it somehow without setting up a yin yang ritual with the damn salt and pepper in front of company. Which I’m not doing this time, but it would be something I would have done in Montreal. No impulse control then. Maybe I’m just walking on tip toes. And this time I have no interest in getting into the deep stuff I’m thinking about with everyone, this is kind of just me right now, and some close friends. Plus I’m sure I’m healing a lot of stuff and I don’t really want to bring up something that’s entirely specific to me and has no relevance to anyone else.
It’s a funny process. It’s the physical effects in my body that are the strangest though, I’m really not used to that, and I was never taught how this stuff happens but apparently it’s nothing out of the ordinary for this experience. So that’s good.
Weirdness fo sure!
The Downtown Eastside isn’t all a bad place, actually the really pretty parts of it almost overwhelm the rest. Almost. There’s one very active Buddhist temple only a block away from the infamous Bad Manors. My friend, who I will call X, and I used to walk by it all the time on our various travels. One time we were walking up to it and we could hear this “mmmmmmmmmmmmmm” noise, and so X says “Oh I wonder what they’re chanting for today.” And we get up to the open doors and there’s a little woman vacuuming in there. I couldn’t stop laughing. Even now I sometimes say “Do you remember when they were vacuuming?” And she’ll say “Shut up.”
Bad Manors had a mouse problem. I remember one time I saw a mouse run into a plastic bag and I picked it up and was like “Oh, thank god, I can get this out of my house and not kill it either.” So I took it downstairs and let it free in the alley, only to see a cat come tearing out of nowhere and after the mouse. Crap.
My friends are getting married and I still have nothing to wear. Oh man!! I don’t think I’ll have money for a tux. But I really need to make use of this damn top hat, and I don’t know when I’m ever going to get it together to do my Marlene impersonation. I’m too much of a damn perfectionist, I practically won’t do it until I can speak German. Preston speaks German, I should talk to him. Still, it’s one of those funny languages that sounds violent no matter what you say. His sister yelled “Zipper” at him in German and really, it sounded like a horrible curse. “Reißverschluß!” Noooo!! Don’t say it again!
Oh I know, I could tell you about the Dene/Navajo migration. I heard this from my aunt. This tribe was following a vision someone had of four mountains, and they’d been walking a really long time over from that other place, and there was a schism in Saskatchewan when some people didn’t want to keep following the vision and decided to just stay where they were. So the people who became Navajo kept going and ended up at four corners.
And that’s why the Dene and Navajo languages are identical, well, with some changes I’m sure.
Bjork comes from a patented gene pool.
I love Bjork. I think just about all of her music has come at just the right moment in my life. Army of Me was my high school song. I still watch Tank Girl once a year, which had this song in it.
This is Tori Amos singing Glory of the 80’s. This is what Tori had to say about this song:
“Mainly the honesty of the decadence of that decade. There’s the line and then, just when it all seemed clear you go and disappear. I knew a lot of great people in the eighties but at the time I didn’t always understand them. Now, there’s such a void in the art world, people with vision have physically passed on. It’s also a stab at political correctness – you can’t say this, you can’t say that; now everybody has to be called a Spanish American, an African American and I mean… Oh bloody, fucking hell!!! I understand the abuses that have happened and I absolutely think recompense should be paid, but you don’t do it just on a surface level. Everybody thinks that the debt has been paid to the ‘quote unquote’ Indians who had their land taken away from them because we call them Native Americans. It’s hard when everything is so eggshell, eggshell, eggshell. I do miss the eighties. It was great, knowing that friends were on one hand dialing a charity and on the other hand doing a line of blow — but not lying about it, being honest. None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What’s dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.”
I forgot to mention, when I was burning my stuff and setting off fireworks I made this prototype for my take on the fireworks classic The Burning Schoolhouse and made the Burning Psych Ward. It’s just a box with paper, some windows glued on and an open door, and where the Chimney is there’s a fountain firework. But it didn’t burn the way I was hoping it would, it just burned the roof off. I think I will use firecrackers next time and a secondary fountain or flare.
I’m trying to find healthy/creative ways to let out my darkside in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m toying with the idea of ethical pyromania, where things are made just to burn and in a safe way. I would call it The Burninators Club and it would meet once a month in a secluded location. There are a lot of ceremonies set up by societies to burn things in nice ways, not like book burning or burning at the stake kind of crap. Look at Burning Man. Anyway, yes, that’s one of my ideas for being ethically dark. I don’t really see darkness as a bad force, if it’s not attacking other people or animals. I think there is such a thing as benign darkness, or neutral darkness. That probably sounds really weird. I guess what I mean is that things can be balanced, and in trying to be a decent person you don’t have to try to divide yourself up to behave kindly.
This is my biohazard tattoo. I was fascinated by this idea of human bodies being forced to be seen as always potentially contagious. And I think having a pathological label also made me want to embrace this idea of having a dangerous body. So I got it tattooed on the back of my neck. I have to get it redone though. You can kind of see my Lamictal rash in this picture actually.
I have a strange relationship to my neck. When I was a little kid I had a really hard time with having my neck be vulnerable, I would freak out if it was exposed. And then I also have a really particular birthmark on my neck, a small dark oval. I used to think I was a victim of Jack the Ripper and got my throat cut, but that didn’t really jive with the rest of it, like why it’s an oval instead of a line. And since childhood, I’ve also had some very vivid memories of living in the second world war in Germany. I remember running from the Nazis, I remember hiding in a lot of places, I clearly remember standing by the windows during a bombing raid and feeling helpless. And if I hear air raid sirens, I freak the hell out. Oh man, do not like hearing those. I’ve never liked them, ever since I can remember.
Anyway, I found out that Nazi’s commonly killed people by shooting them in the neck.
So was that my last life?? Probably, but it’s mostly obscure, except I do know more than I should about that era, I mean, more than what I’ve read about.
But back to my neck, it’s also my favorite spot in the world to be touched, except I don’t let anyone touch me there. Except for one person. It’s a funny thing. And I have a vampire fetish like you wouldn’t believe, so I have no idea if that has to do with it. But I always liked vampires in the sexy way. Not in the rampaging Lost Boys way.
I thought I told you to stay off the boardwalk.
Once when I was a kid my babysitter and I made rice krispie squares and recited the entire Lost Boys screenplay word for word from beginning to end. I used to be able to do that with a lot of movies, memorize them in total. I probably still could.
