I don’t know I thought I could check in.

I had to cancel my trip to Berlin because I had a dream about a dead bear with a human hand, and then I saw a dead bear on my FB newsfeed. And it was too close to the dream and I just got bad feelings and yeah, now I am not going to Berlinale. BUT my video installation will still be there, if you are there and want to see it.

To be clear I don’t mean EVERYONE in Berlinale is gonna get COVID. I just felt like it was too many warnings for myself to go. So maybe I would just have had bad luck and gotten sick and had to stay longer or was otherwise really messed up by going while most people were fine. I don’t want to chance it. So yeah.

Now I am gonna get all these Aeroplan points which could get me lots of plane flights. And I have some ideas but like nothing for sure, especially right now while I am waiting for a better picture of COVID right now cause the damn thing keeps changing.

I’m doing exciting things in my career. Like, some secret stuff and some more fun creative stuff and all kinds of things. It’s coming together! Ha ha ha. I really wish I had an assistant though, because I’m so tired of the paperwork. But then I would need to trust someone AND know I can pay them for a specific length of time. I used to be nervous about handing my email over, but honestly I don’t get very many personal emails. ALTHOUGH maybe I should start switching to a work email. Like dedicated to work and not getting emails from like, Betty’s Toy Box or Kink dot com. I think it would be nice to separate parts of my life like that.

I’m starting to feel like I can ease up on the weed. I’ve been getting low thc stuff, so it’s mostly CBD. But it does give a mild buzz. But I’m realizing sometimes I just like feeling more clear than other times. Like, clearer than even the really low THC stuff. Like not on it at all. So I’m gonna try and have some times where I’m not using it. Usually I stop in the evening cause it lasts for the rest of the night. But I could stop earlier. I dunno. Also I could go back to mostly using the oil because it’s more steady than trying to smoke enough puffs. PLUS I am remembering the things I didn’t like about smoking, like dry mouth, and the cough, and the smell. I dunno. I’m figuring it out and trying not to let old shame stuff bother me. It really does make my knees feel so much better is the thing, and I was getting pretty disabled by my arthritis like it was difficult to do stairs and I live on the second floor.

What else? I am making a film but I’m making it slowly. Like the first half was shot in 2018, and now I am finishing it. It’s got Super 8 in it which is fun. But I want to get more textures into the images, so I ordered a bunch of sharp and colourful things and am gonna experiment a bit. Its so hard to manipulate Super 8 in that way compared to 16mm. Like 16mm is just so much bigger. And these are teeny tiny frames. Aw fuck I should order a magnifying glass. Ha ha done.

I feel guilty buying work related things, even when they are relatively inexpensive. Like buying that stuff today wasn’t anywhere as pricey as something else I recently got. AND it’s for work. It’s just a weird work expense.

I’ve started a daily drawing practice, and for the most part I’ve managed to draw something every day since the beginning of the year. I am okay at it. I can see a style is emerging but I need to started getting more detailed after doing initial sketches. I just want to know I can draw decently for when I begin really working at making assets for my video game. So far I’ve drawn myself and the dogs and a friend. I also started doing Wordle like everyone, I only did two, the first I got in like five guesses, and the second I failed. So we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I woke up this morning feeling so bummed out. Then I did work for a while and eventually was filming some Super 8 and getting happier again. And doing that creative stuff that makes me happy. And then at the end of the day I was watching The Descent because it was my movie of the day (I am back to watching one new movie every day like in the early days of the pandemic) and starting to get sad again. And I mean also entertained but sad, about the scattering of community that is happening right now while we are trying to get this wave under control. And I did also visit two people on the phone and zoom, so it’s not like I was ALL ALONE today. I just had a hard day I guess. And yet it was also productive and meaningful?

There are still good things in this world. I know that. It’s just so oppressive, to see this unknown timeline unfolding of this pandemic crushing our social lives and making us so isolated from each other.

I counted up just the for sure international travel dates for 2022 and I’m basically away for almost three months of the whole year. I gotta figure out what to do with Posey since 2 months is one solid block in Vienna at the end of the year. Who is gonna watch her for two months? What if I bring her with me? Oh man.

I still have plane tickets for Berlin in February, and a couple tickets to Tori Amos. I really hope the Berlinale happens this year, because otherwise am I just going for Tori Amos?

Since I’m in the Berlinale I got to apply to Telefilm for travel funds. But I had to use my corporation. So that was a whole thing. I needed to open a business bank account, so I did but it doesn’t have a card I can use outside Canada. So that’s ironic. Anyway they were really rushing through the grant because I think they can tell there’s gonna be a rule against travel. So I know I didn’t make the cut off of Telefilm before the Christmas holidays for my direct deposit form. But hopefully that doesn’t make a difference, they already marked my application as recommended.

Ha ha what a boring paragraph.

I don’t have much, I’m being somewhat secretive these days. Not like I have huge secrets. I just feel more private these days. I do like writing these posts tho. It’s kind of healing I guess.

I’m knitting again. I finally got the hang of it and the knitting is more even, its meant to be a rib stitch but it’s all messed up. But I am trying to keep up the integrity of the messed-up-ness and give it some sense of reason. It looks pretty funny in the initial rounds tho, cause I couldn’t tell the difference between a knit and a pearl stitch. I’d taken a while off from knitting before this project. Like, a couple of years. And now I’m doing a dog sweater on double pointed needles. So yeah, maybe I should have done a scarf to ease back into it. Scarves take so long though.

I still have this red marino wool scarf for a future girlfriend that has never been worn by anyone else but me. I was doing some kind of girlfriend manifesting spell or something so I thought “If I knit this scarf it will bring a girlfriend into my life!” Which was fine, BUT the girlfriends I had after making it were not deserving of the Future Girlfriend scarf. And not like they were bad people, it’s just that they were not with me for very long. And then the last person I dated lives in California so there’s not a reason for them to get the scarf either.

That’s kinda good though because I need the scarf this year since I left mine in my mom’s car in Saskatoon.

I should do mittens too, I know how to do them. They are pretty easy actually.

Maybe I am my own future girlfriend only I’m not a girl.

Um what else? I haven’t talked to my friends much these days because my Mom is around visiting and then it’s just awkward to talk to friends when your mom is listening. She’s staying in a bnb down the street which is why I am finally writing here.

OH WAIT! I did have something I wanted to talk about.

So in 1992 around this time of year, I was starting to question my sexuality. As in, I knew I was super curious about lesbians and I knew women made me feel some kind of way. And I read an article in Sassy magazine about this teenage lesbian and just like, I think it was called “It happened to me” and it was lez positive but all I remember is being surprised that teenagers could be lesbians. Because I was 14, and as you can imagine I was really getting ready to not fake having crushes on boys anymore. And then on New Years Eve I hugged someone and got a MASSIVE crush, like so huge, I had to go sit on the couch and take in the fact that I was A LESBIAN. I mean I know the gender stuff makes it complicated now but also this was only 1993. Like, a minute into 1993.

So there’s something kind of magical I always recognize around this time of year in terms of the first time I fell in gay love. It wasn’t reciprocated. But it was a feeling that I hadn’t had before. And I’ve felt it a bunch of times since then. But this was like, identity defining love.

Anyway. I’m so glad things are somewhat easier for gay teens. Like, just having the internet could have been so radically different for me. On the other hand I did seek out and find queer youth groups and got involved in my community. In a lot of ways being queer made my life way more awesome, besides the actually dating other queers stuff. Like even my career wouldn’t have taken off in the same way if I was straight. Maybe it would have been more accepted though. But overall I’m glad to be a lesbian now.

So I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs like a rusty Tin Man for a few months, I did get x-rayed a while back and pretty much have arthritis in my knees (and other joints but the knees bother me the most). SO I decided today to finally order some CBD Oil.

I have reservations about this decision and didn’t come to it lightly.

FOR ONE THING I have detailed on here for a long time about how I was a super chronic burn out for years. And how I got sober in 2012, and my life turned around for me. Etc. Etc. In GOOD WAYS. And I’m not wanting to throw that away. BUT I also don’t want to be in pain forever. And it would be nice to go up and down stairs easier again instead of walking down like a small toddler afraid of falling because one knee won’t bend or whatever.

I am thinking since it’s gonna be mainly CBD and very trace amounts of THC I shouldn’t get all ripped off it or anything. And because I’m taking the oil and not smoking a bunch of joints, it shouldn’t trigger the same feelings psychologically that I got from wake and baking for years. I’m gonna make a specific point NOT to get actual joints, or to vape, or to do edibles etc or any of the higher THC content products. And I never took oil to get high during my prime stoner years. So I think it will work out.

If not I will stop. If it starts going sideways I will stop. I know it’s hard for addicts to stop but I think I will try to make some parameters where if I start doing certain danger sign activities (like buying flower weed, or edibles, or seeking highs) I will quit.

And I also know based on when my adhd meds mixed with some cold medication that I HATE being in an altered state now. It’s just the worst feeling for me. So hopefully I can keep myself safe based on that.

Anyway I ordered it from the Ontario weed store website and we’ll see how soon it comes. I am gonna try keeping it to days I don’t have heavy work stuff going on until I know how it affects me. Like, Wednesday I have therapy in the morning and I don’t want to show up accidentally high (especially since it’s our last session until the new year), so I will probably wait until later in the day, after a work thing. It could be fine, it could not have an altering affect on me. Which would be ideal. But yeah, one time I didn’t take my ADHD meds before therapy and she SUPER noticed it because my brain is just kind of pinballing around the universe when my Vyvanse isn’t in my system. Also I know I will be a bit of a lightweight at first so I’m gonna be careful.

ANYWAY what is new with me besides my sad joints?

Well, romantically things kinda veered off course, or maybe on course but like in a more “We are friends” and kind of letting go of planning a specific outcome for this connection that started in August. I’m not gonna get into it much, cause it’s private. But I was always romantically available to others anyway because it was a non-monogamous connection, so in some ways nothing really changed. In other ways I guess we are putting specific things aside that are more date-like. I don’t know what I’m saying. We were dating for a while and now we are visiting but still getting to know each other and I still really like them. I think it’s more like, being friends who are potentially open to more in the future but not making a specific decision about that now. So it’s helping me learn to let go a bit. I know it’s exciting to get into relationships and all that but also a LOT of people know me and I think it can be intimidating to people. Like when I finally mentioned her on Facebook 200 people reacted to it which was kind of a lot.

ANYWAY that seemed like it needed an update just because there was an update about it in the last post here.

I am still working a lot. I tend to post a lot of ridiculous stuff on social media which probably makes me look like I live a life of leisure but trust me I do a lot of work!

Today was a nice day tho cause I just had a work phone meeting this afternoon that went pretty quick. I watched the Director’s Cut of Nightbreed this morning which I hadn’t seen since I was like, a kid. And then I wondered why my Mom let me watch Nightbreed ha ha. I went to get Posey’s special dog food at the pet store (she has to have this fresh pet stuff that is like, shredded chicken with friggen cranberries in it) cause she won’t eat anything else. Then I got myself a subway sandwich and took off my mask when I got outside because I was headed home but my airpod fell out. And then I freaked out trying to find it and had to give up. BUT it fell into my coat and was caught between my shirt and jacket and held by my round tummy. So hurrah for tummies! And then I watched the first episode of Call My Agent! which was pretty cute. I didn’t want to commit to 2 movies in one day today. That’s a lot of movies. But a movie and a tv show is doable.

I’m traveling again next year and excited about it, but trying to hold off on that until February. I just need to stay close to home a little bit. I’m trying to schedule more breathers in regards to my traveling. Because my traveling before the pandemic was not sustainable for myself. I had a girlfriend for two months and was only in the same town as her for one month until the pandemic showed up (and she dumped me) so yeah. NOT SUSTAINABLE! I was getting panicked about if I had children (which is still a very up in the air decision right now) and was constantly traveling, like could I even be a good parent for them? And then the pandemic came and I realized it was so easy for most events I am in to pivot to online. Sooooo I’m gonna try to hang on to some of my stuff being online. It’s a lot better for myself and Posey and the planet!

But yeah traveling sometimes is also nice.

I bought Tori Amos tickets in a city I am traveling to and I really hope all goes as planned. It’s a bit tricky because case counts in that country are going up right now. And I just don’t want my trip to be cancelled, because Tori Amos. I bought two tickets but don’t have a date to come with me. I’m not sure what I will do. Maybe go on Lex and see if someone will be my date? Lol who knows.

I just read some posts here and realized I never told you that Little Mister died in June. I went back home for two weeks to see my Mom and when I came back he was different, not able to stand up one day, and then I had to let him go. It ripped my heart out. I think I’m holding up decently now, but it was a big loss and omg I have to change the subject or I’m gonna cry.

Anyway, I haven’t been here for long (here as in this blog) and I realized I just haven’t written very much this whole year. Like yeah, LONG posts now and then, but not with any consistency. And things have definitely changed since my last post. I am still in therapy, she has been making me look at things I don’t want to look at though. I mean it’s good for me, but like oh man I hate being realistic about life cause I just wish everything could be hopeful and full of promise. And we had some erotic transference in therapy which has totally shifted now but I had an awkward conversation with her about it. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere and that it’s a common therapy thing but it’s still SO AWKWARD.

My film has been going to festivals and winning awards, which is great. We found out about two more awards recently. I think that brings it up to five awards? I don’t remember. The feature script is still in progress and we are getting some notes. Things are moving. I also found out a webseries I am involved in as a writer might become a tv series if we get the funding for it, and ANOTHER webseries I am involved with is taking a while to get off the ground but I think will turn out well. I co-directed a film with Kiley May this summer that she wrote and also starred in, and we got to use intimacy co-ordinators because it had some sex scenes in it. So now I have directed driving, stunts, pyrotechnics, and sex! My skill set is growing! Anyway that film (Discretion) screens online at ImagineNATIVE tomorrow until Friday morning so if you want to see it please do!

I’m a really public person and it makes life awkward sometimes. I know I’m just like a total tell-all person (or so it seems). But sometimes I worry that pushes people away because they think I will write about their secrets online. And I try really hard NOT to. I mean if I talk about a connection usually I just talk about my side of it, there’s things lovers have told me that I’ve never written about online.

Anyway that is just a preface to say I have met someone who I am super smitten by. And I don’t quite know where it will go but we’ve been having fun getting to know each other and I definitely want to stick around and when I’m around my friends I am privately gushing about how dreamy she is. And I haven’t talked about them on Facebook, because I guess I didn’t want my internet friends getting involved. I do have close friends on my facebook, but also some of them are like, some curator who programmed me in one show six years ago or something. And I have ADHD so I have a poor memory of who some of these people are. That sounds terrible. But you know, fb is such a networking place. I feel sometimes like a bunch of strangers are standing in my living room but I guess cause I’m used to being emotionally naked online it doesn’t bother me so much. BUT that also means I didn’t want to let something so new and fragile be exposed to the elements of Facebook. I don’t want to give a lot of details about it right now because I’m not sure how comfortable she is knowing people might know she exists. Also because all of this is very non-monogamous and there are other partners involved whose toes I don’t want to step on.

But I really really like them. And it would be nice to be a little bit more open about liking someone finally, cause that is a good feeling. I dunno it’s like I feel really protective of her and this connection, but I also recognize that it feels good to get some recognition that you’re important to someone. And also it’s just kinda hard to forever hide that my heart has some sunshine glowing in it right now.

So I guess that’s all I have to write about today. Maybe I can try writing here more often again. I am going to Portugal this week, that seems like a big thing I will have to talk about since it’s my first overseas trip since I went to Berlin in 2020 just when the pandemic was hitting.

Anyway, the sunshine in my heart has been exciting, I don’t know the last time I felt this way.

I got one of those Quiet Play punching bags that you fit in a doorway and go to town on, and did three rounds! It felt pretty amazing except I think I need better cushioned gloves, my old ones were not so great at keeping my fist from feeling like mush at the end. BUT I did it! I’m gonna try and incorporate more boxing workouts in my life again. I feel like I did so much work before the pandemic in boxing class and then the pandemic came and my gym closed and I hadn’t boxed since 2019. I realized I really miss it. It was one of the few exercises I did that I really enjoyed. And like, punching something repeatedly is such a stress reliever. It takes all that pent up aggression and gives it a healthy outlet. I should really box more instead of writing passive aggressive tweets.

But while I was thinking about bringing this exercise back into my life, I was also thinking about the pandemic in general, and the things about myself I have lost that I really miss. I have lost some friends. I have lost someone I was dating and then lost their friendship. I have lost the ability to walk a lot, and gained weight, and I think my confidence is a bit battered too. I’m finally getting back to my prepandemic weight which like, literally no matter how much or how little I exercised before the pandemic I always stuck to. But the pandemic made me rounder and I really wanted to be okay with it but I was so happy with the type of roundness I had before and any time my weight has changed I’ve felt unsettled. Anyway that sounds so fatphobic and is really not something I think a lot about. I’ve injured myself a few times too which made exercising difficult. There’s other things that have changed. I think I’m extremely conscious of other people’s opinion of me, and it comes from being on social media even more than before. I just see people shaming others for decisions they’ve made during the pandemic and that gives me anxiety. But like, I can’t be a perfect person for everyone, that’s just impossible.

There are things I’ve gained too tho, it’s not all bad. Like, I am a bit more confident about making plans with friends, and organizing hang outs. Not giant rocking parties but like my friends and I went to a swimming pool we rented and it was so much fun. Things like that. I am slowly beginning to do more things that I was avoiding before, like eating on patios more often. And being indoors with people. I went to see Zola at the Cineplex recently, alone, and had a good time. And I’m seeing a therapist who has really helped me out a lot and helped me see things about my life differently. And I have managed to NOT have a crush for like, a few months, which is a record for me. I’ve been one of those people who jumped from crush to crush but right now, nothing. That kinda makes me sad now tho cause I’m like omg am I just never going to fall in love again?

I also made a lot of films/videos. Like even just in the last couple of weeks I completed an experimental short, a five channel video installation, the background video for a performance AND THEN did the performance. And gave several notes on cuts of a film I am co-directing that should be done in two weeks. And in January we finished kwêskosîw (She Whistles) which was a HUGE DEAL and is now doing the festival circuit. So I’ve been super busy.

And sometimes I get irritated by having to work all the time. But there honestly are times when I have NO work to do and am fine. And it’s meant I haven’t had to have a day job in a few years, I’m totally a full time artist. I even make so much that I’m no longer on rental subsidy at my co-op. I feel really fortunate that I’ve been able to get to this point in my life.

And then I think too I also feel awkward when people make assumptions about me and my financial situation. Like, a lot of people still treat me like I’m poor, but I make way above the poverty line. And it makes me wonder like is this having an impact on my dating life? Do people think I’m not able to support a family or something? I’ve been super conscious of class issues ever since my income increased and it makes me feel weird, especially since I went through so many years being extremely poor.

When I look back at where I was in my early 30’s, living on welly, drinking and doing drugs, not really going anywhere in my life, I can see why it would have been hard for people to date me. But then I look at where I am now and it still feels hard dating.

I think maybe that’s what bothers me about the pandemic so much. People are so afraid. And I’m not gonna say they shouldn’t be afraid. I am gonna say that I haven’t been kissed since February 2020 and I’m really missing it and I just want to swap spit with someone else who is double vaccinated. I mean I want a relationship too tho. But it just seems like fuck how am I even gonna date when people don’t want to be “risky”? This fucking virus.

And I get it it’s a legit concern. My massage therapist was telling me someone from a hospital she went to said there were 11 people recovering from COVID there who were going to need double lung transplants because their lungs are absolutely massacred from COVID.

But then there’s these fucking dingdongs who refuse to get a vaccine and are stretching out this pandemic and it’s like FUCK YOU get your fucking shots you assholes! I want to get laid!

Anyway obviously I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings about this all. At least now I have a punching bag so I can work them out instead of writing shit.

Well, I had therapy today and it kind of kicked off these thoughts around Intergenerational Trauma and Residential School and myself. My paternal Grandma was in Residential school and I never really heard her stories before and I’d not spent a lot of time around her growing up. Like yah I would see her but I guess I didn’t really expect her experience would have anything to do with me.

But then I’ve been seeing all these posts about Residential Schools since that mass grave was “discovered” (although most of us who know about residential schools knew about the graves and it was in the TRC report). And just, oh man. So many stories were being circulated, and some performative guilt and grief from settlers that really bothered me. I think I was just so angry because it’s like WE KNEW THIS why didn’t you believe us about how bad it was?

Anyway we talked about it in therapy today. And I think the main reason I didn’t want to see so much about the residential schools is because it hit too close to home in a way I’m still struggling to accept. I was like, going on Reddit instead and reading about people’s relationship problems because the residential schools stuff was so overwhelming.

And my therapist brought up intergenerational trauma. And like yeah I guess theoretically I know I probably have it but I didn’t sit down and start putting pieces together until after my therapy appointment.

But I was reading about it and they said descendants of people who had been in residential school had higher rates of psychological distress and suicide. And I started thinking about when I was a kid and the suicide thoughts started showing up. And they were SO STRONG. And like, so automatic. Like I didn’t feel I had much control over them. And I came so close to trying so many times. And my family had to have me doctored and then of course as an adult I got on psych meds to deal with it. But my therapist said something about how sometimes we are carrying things that don’t belong to us, they belong to our ancestors.

And I think if I was in a residential school yeah suicide would seem like one of the only ways to escape. My Grandma didn’t do that, she’s still alive today. But like, I can see that kind of distress and hopelessness feeling like a legit way to feel in that situation.

And the way I dealt with my suicidal feelings was to learn how to problemsolve, because usually that’s what they were in reaction to, all kinds of problems, like work or career or love or whatever. And it really did help (my meds help too) and I haven’t been suicidal in years. But like, you can’t problemsolve your way out of residential school. My Grandma and her sister ran away when they were 10 and some men on horses just brought them back. And I think that also relates to my feelings of hopelessness at times when facing oppression or even interpersonal conflict, like I just kind of accept shit because fighting only means you’ll be punished even worse.

But it also makes me wonder about all those Indigenous youth who have been dying by suicide, if it’s ALSO an automatic thought that is just living in their bodies because their mom or dad or grandparents were in residential schools.

It really makes me rethink my history and my feelings and my mood disorder. Cause I think I felt like if I had those feelings I must be so broken. Who would feel like they needed to kill themselves because things got hard? And then I also wonder about my drug and alcohol abuse and if that ties in somehow as well. I mean probably.

So there’s lots going on in my head and I’m trying to pull out the pieces and find out what is me and what is inherited trauma. Cause I feel like I would be such a different kind of person if I didn’t have this in my body. And like, would I have been able to form more solid relationships and deal with conflict better? Would I be able to stand up for myself more? Would I have been a happier person and not needed to waste so many years doing drugs and shit?

And it’s not even just the schools but also all kinds of trauma that my Mom’s family went through way back when the bison all got killed and they were being starved and fighting the government and being trapped on reserves and the smallpox and all of that shit. Like what did that do to our family? Is that why we have so much bipolar disorder and ADHD?

But also I was thinking about what it would feel like to be trapped in a residential school and not be allowed to leave. And like, I’ve spent 12 weeks altogether in my life involuntarily committed to psych wards. So I know what it’s like to not be allowed to leave an institution and to have rules put on you and to be traumatized in those spaces by the workers and the patients. And I was thinking about how that was like a recreation of the kind of trauma being stuck in a residential school would feel like. One hospital I was in was fine, but the first one in Montreal was so awful that I had intense PTSD for four years afterwards. And I think it’s so interesting that I would have that experience and it would be similar to what my Grandma had (although yeah way shorter and I got to leave and not come back). Having your freedom taken away is a horror that I think is very difficult to describe. It’s traumatizing really. And then to have to go through that for years as a child? Ugh!

There are graves at the school my Grandma was at, she remembers them digging them up to move them because they were too close to the playground. So awful.

I don’t know. My therapist is Jewish tho which I just found out today and which makes me feel better because she knows intergenerational trauma. It’s such a weird particular thing. And like how do you heal from that?

Anyway, she says we can talk about it more as we go along which is great for me because I want to figure this shit out and not have it negatively impacting my life in the same ways it has been. I also got to cry a lot in therapy which was good for me because I hadn’t cried about this stuff until today.

I got my second shot yesterday! I’m a free elf! Ha ha not really I need to wait 13 more days before I can be safe. But, that’s pretty good. I’ve been trying to get outside more this last month, mostly just walking the dog but also I went to a couple places outside my neighbourhood to visit friends who had both also been vaccinated. Like, on transit. I’m not as scared on transit, I still wear my mask tho.

But right now we are on a Stay At Home Order, so I guess I have to stay at home, though I think we’re allowed to go out for exercise, and I still walk my dog.

I had my house cleaner come two times since the last time I wrote here. It’s really amazing he does a really good job. He whipped my kitchen and bathroom into shape, and the second time he got rid of cardboard for me and cleaned up two bookshelves and half the living room, along with going over the bathroom again and some of my bedroom. I have one really really bad area that needs work next time so I’m looking forward to that.

It was just really overwhelming me, the cleaning. I’m a single person and there’s no one around to help me with the house, so having the money to pay for someone to come over is just really nice.

I am dipping my toe into the stock market and crypto and I was kinda looking at the subreddits for that but it’s so bro-ey, can’t handle it. I don’t know what I’m doing tho and most of this just has to sit around and be longterm investments. I did actually go to the bank and get a legit RSP tho. It was a very mature conversation with my financial advisor and we talked about what risk level I was comfortable with, and already it’s made 26 dollars which is kinda cool. I’m invested in three cryptocurrencies also which is like, toxic money. But I admit I was curious so there it is. One is a joke currency but also might end up giving me a few hundred dollars who knows.

I got a COVID 19 cheque from my reserve so I bought some clothes, a new button up and a few plain tshirts and a few masks. Ha ha so boring.

I also bought new shoes from overseas so I hope they fit, they might be really sexy I’m excited, they are black brogues. I was going to buy the same style from a queer shoe place but they had VEGAN leather which is just plastic and more environmentally toxic than real leather since they’ll be around forever. No one needs my old shoes in a hundred years.

I had deleted my dating apps and profiles a while back because I just didn’t want to go there again trying to find someone to date, and thought it would be better to meet someone in real life. Then after I got my last shot I was suddenly like “OMG I SHOULD GO BACK ONLINE!” No. No one cares. I do not have great luck on dating apps, or if I do get lucky then it turns out that person just wanted a hookup and isn’t serious. Bad places to look for love. When I think about it, the last lover I had that I was saying I love you to and hearing it back was someone who had been a friend for a long time (and a date a couple decades before that) so honestly real life is more emotionally resonant for my relationships. Plus I’m an Indigenous person with a tattooed face and people don’t check their racism before swiping left on me. But do I want to date a racist anyway? No not really.

ANYWAY blah blah whine whine. I am doing good with my work stuff, have a few projects going on. This vaccine is gonna allow me to go back to Saskatchewan and finish filming a video that will be a multichannel immersive installation. It’s tackling the racism that’s in Saskatchewan by using the stories told by five (or six?) Indigenous women and people who lived there and dealt with shit. Anyway I am going to go around to some of the places and film video that will be used to illustrate it, not so much like, actual actors or anything, just scenes from Saskatchewan. I guess it’s a documentary. It’s long overdue to be finished and I need to finish it so that I can get my next grant in August to make a video game about a lesbian vampire.

Sometimes I talk about my work to people and I forget that it’s interesting because so often it just becomes WORK and things I need to complete. But it is really nice to work on this stuff. I think I faltered on the immersive installation not only because of COVID but also because I was like “Is there anything radical about talking about racist trauma?” But fuck life is not all triumphant. Shit happens, this is the life we are living. Even my short that we are trying to get out there is about racist trauma and I’m like “Do I have any right to talk about trauma?” but things are hard and these are real stories that happen in Saskatchewan.

Anyway. I have a steak I need to cook, I thawed it a couple days ago and I don’t want to chuck it even tho I’m fairly full from an early supper of leftover noodles.

I’m also close to being done my feature script and then I can start work on another!!! For a while. Until we get some more help finishing or something I’m not entirely sure!

So I got my Pfizer-BioNtech covid shot on Thursday! It’s been interesting seeing my immune system react to it. Nothing super alarming, I was super sleepy for a couple of days though. My arm was also sore, not like a muscle soreness tho, more like a soreness at the injection site. I’ve been feeling pretty good otherwise. This morning for an hour my nose was constantly running, and then it stopped. I don’t know if that’s the vaccine though or my allergies I have been struggling with for weeks. It did seem weird that it only happened for an hour tho.

I was reading something promising that although they call it a 95% efficacy rate, actually only 0.04% of vaccinated people got coronavirus. So it works really well. I’m feeling more confident.

This seemed like it was gonna last forever. And I know to some degree it will, because it will kind of float around for a while until we have herd immunity. But I guess I can finally see the other side of this and it’s a relief.

I have had amazing sleep since I got it. I think part of that is just for the last year during this pandemic, I’ve been super stressed out and maybe in denial of it. But I slept like a baby the last few nights. Just a really deep restful sleep. It’s kind of amazing. I haven’t slept that well in months. I would love to be able to sleep this unbothered forever.

Today I finally had enough energy to do a bit of a tidy. Nothing super amazing, but my house cleaner is coming tomorrow, so I wanted him to at least have a basic jumping off point that doesn’t involve needing to ask me where a bunch of junk goes. I think I need to buy more garbage bags tho. I’m really excited to see what having a house cleaner does for my life. I’d love to feel unashamed of my house again ha ha. Especially if I start being able to date again after I am vaccinated.

I am thinking more about dating. I think I might be ready. I wrote something kinda bitter on facebook this week tho, so hopefully no one I like is reading that and going “Yikes! Not ready yet!”

More of my friends are getting vaccinated too since all Indigenous Adults in Ontario are up for our vaccines right now. So I’m hoping I can at least have a couple buddies to hang out with, especially for my birthday.

The vaccine clinics for Indigenous people seem to be word of mouth right now. I think it’s to keep fakers from getting in line. Ha ha Joseph Boyden getting a vaccine. OMG. But I do feel bad for people who don’t have the insider scoop for where to go. I only knew where to go because someone said he would message me when he heard about the next clinic happening. So that’s what happened. And I stood in the cold for two hours, it was miserable but no way was I gonna leave my spot in line. I didn’t go to the bathroom or anything. I just waited and waited and waited. And it worked.

Anyway that’s about it. I’m excited for when I get my next shot and my immunity goes up to nearly fully protected. I think it’s going to change my life. I’ve been living a very small quiet life for a year. Being as careful as I can. I’m not gonna run around with a bare face or anything, but I’ll probably take transit again. And go to the grocery store by myself. And probably go to other stores too. It would be nice to get out of the neighbourhood.

My next shot is near the beginning of April, so I should be more immune by my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! It won’t be another COVID 19 Birthday! It will be a Vaccine Birthday ha ha. I will probably just hang out with a couple people I will know have had their shots by then too.

It’s not very long since my last post, not as long a time as some of these posts anyway. I’m such an irregular blogger. I can’t promise a new one every Sunday, or that it will have even a coherent point to it. Mostly I just hop on here to ramble.

Recently I got smart bulbs, so that has been fun. I didn’t realize I would like them so much, but they have much improved things in here. And they have a “party” setting that is pretty cute for zoom parties.

I’m trying to improve myself. I don’t know, maybe that’s a value judgement. I just know I gained some weight with quarantine and lost some of my ability to walk a lot, I don’t mean I can’t walk, I just mean I get overwhelmed when friends take me on hikes. I used to walk a lot more before this last year, I think even just walking to transit and back helped a lot and I don’t do that now. Anyway I am starting with more regular dog walks. Posey loves it. I am trying to get a better harness for her tho so she doesn’t pull so much. Today I also started adding going down and up a set of stairs by the dog park. it’s A LOT of stairs. Like, to explain, my average for going up and down the stairs was 2 flights a day. Today just adding going down and back up these stairs once bumped it up to ten flights a day. It’s like, the Exorcist level stairs ha ha, except more windy. Anyway I was sure I’d be like, coughing up blood or something from going down and up these stairs, but it wasn’t bad. I’m gonna keep doing it once a day until next Monday when I might increase it by doing it twice.

My heart felt a lot better after I did it today, which was interesting. It felt like, clear or something, like it had been dusty before and now that it was getting used it was happier. I hadn’t really solved my cardio problem because I live on the second floor and most cardio exercises for apartments seem to involve jumping up and down or otherwise banging the floor repeatedly. And I am not wanting to bother my downstairs neighbour like that. So maybe doing stairs in the park is gonna help improve my cardio levels. I think even walking with Posey more often is helping. I already lost a couple pounds so that makes me feel better. Literally all I wanted was to lose seven pounds so I can go back to my usual average weight. There’s one weight that I just hover at, even when I was doing a lot of exercise back when the boxing gym was open I hovered at that weight. So that’s all I want.

OH YES also I want to be able to fuck more, I just mean, not get winded before I can fuck someone long enough that she can cum. I guess I could word that more delicately ha ha but that’s not me. Anyway, yeah, being able to have sex for longer without being wiped would be great for me.

Not that I am having sex with others right now.

I’m trying to get a vaccine soon. Indigenous people are up for them here, but it’s not completely available yet, so I’ve been sniffing around trying to find the next Indigenous vaccine clinic. I just keep checking. I hope it happens soon, a friend of mine got hers on Friday so I hope that org does it again.

I’m also reading a lot more. I’ve read three novels this year already, which probably doesn’t sound like much but is a lot better than last year. I’m not gonna win the Good Reader club or anything. But it’s nice that I can focus that much that I can read a book. Having ADHD used to mean reading things online was more doable for me. Shorter pieces. That sort of thing. But now I can read a novel and remember what I am reading. I’m trying to stick to novels because stories are more interesting than non-fiction I guess, although I did read a creative non-fiction novel this year.

I’m also trying to get rid of some books. Last night I finally selected seven books I knew I would never read again, and walked them over to a nearby Little Free Library. It felt good! I’ve been a notorious book and paper hoarder, and reducing it is really nice. I don’t want to hoard everything anymore. OK not everything, but I think the fact I’ve held onto nearly every book I’ve ever bought this long is an echo of my tendency to hang onto lovers much longer than they should be in my life. I mean its great to have ex lovers in my life, it sucks when I am hanging onto the hope of rekindling something. So maybe this process of letting go of some of my books will encourage me to let people go when it’s their time. I’m having a really hard time letting go of the last two lovers I was with, and it’s just…ugh. Sucky. I know neither of them want to be with me again and in fact neither of them talk to me either. But it still lingers and it’s just not healthy for me and it’s not fair to anyone in my life right now who might be wanting to date me but feels they have to wait until I’m more obviously healed from this stuff.

I feel kinda bad about all the times this year already that I have talked about my broken heart. Like yeah, I did have a broken heart. But I feel like that’s keeping people out. New people. People who could give me something better. I don’t want to be chasing people away like that anymore.

I had a dream last night that I went to a country which was like Australia but not quite Australia. And there was a huge chunk of the middle of the continent that was labeled on the map as Indigenous land (and yes all land in Australia is Indigenous land, I know!). And I was taken to this land and the sky was orange and there were tall tall trees and it was dry and brittle. And I don’t know what it means or why I remember that part so vividly.

I’m trying to build up muscle again now that my radial nerve is pretty much healed. I’m doing free weights twice a week now. Well, I mean this will only be the second week doing it twice a week. But I feel pretty good about it. I’ve finally memorized which dumbbell exercises to do. I was told by my physiotherapist that I was really strong and she could feel the muscles in my back and I guess it came across like a compliment to me so I’m trying to keep it up. I think I built up good back muscles when I was doing boxing. So I am glad they are still there. Not all withered. But yeah, I just want to keep my strength up. I also got a proper back cushion to support my posture when I work on the couch.

Ha ha I sound like a wannabe jock in this post. Oh well. I’ve also been watching tv shows and movies this whole last year, like, way more than before. I used to feel so guilty by my lack of watching things, I mean considering I am a filmmaker. But it’s getting better!!! I still watch something or another every day besides the news, maybe not always a whole movie, but usually something.

I don’t know how to end this post. Lol anyway I AM doing good and feel optimistic. I’ll feel even more optimistic when I get my first shot.

Well, what is new? Ahhh, not a lot. I have been growing amaryllises this winter, one fell over and died which was sad cause it was so gorgeous. It lived it’s life like a candle in the wind! Ha ha aww remember when Elton John kept dedicating that song to various people who died young? It was getting to be a bit much. Like first it was Ryan White, which was really sweet, then suddenly Princess Di died and it was HER song. And then I think he dedicated it to someone else after that. Just slutty with the song dedications.To be fair it’s not like there’s a rule only one person can have that song.

I watched It’s A Sin last night and today and cried like a baby. I’ve been crying a lot anyway these days because I’m finally working through some emotions I was putting off because I was busy Surviving A Pandemic. And anyway, it was kind of nice to cry about something that WASN’T about me or some lady I missed. I think too it really struck me, now as a nearly 43 year old, that these people were youth. Like, so young. I guess something about being so young when the AIDS epidemic struck in the 80’s made me kind of think of the people dying as like, fully adult people. And I mean in this series yeah they are technically adults but also still 20 somethings. And I just thought about what I was doing in my 20’s and how I was still figuring myself out, and imagining that AND this mysterious pandemic unfolding. It’s kinda weird to realize even though I was born before HIV and AIDS was really hitting the scene, I still grew up with it.

Once I saw this astrologer who said since I was born in the space after the pill was invented and before HIV hit, I had this aspect in my chart that would make me be extremely sexually free at random moments in my life. Like not always, but definitely I do see times in my life where I’m way more active than other times. It’s because Uranus was in Scorpio at that time, and Uranus is a generational planet, so it kind of applies to a lot of people born around the same time as me. Like between 1975 and 1980 or something.

I found out recently about a really intense play party I secretly wanted to go to but didn’t attend because I was nervous about it. But this person I’ve been talking to happened to go to it once and told me how it went down, and now I kinda wish I had gone. Because all the things I was worried about were very much non-issues in the end. Anyway, I don’t even know when I will be able to go to a play party again. I’m still doing kink events when I can. Mostly on Zoom.

I did a speed dating event for 2 Spirit people recently, mostly I talked to Americans, but they were really interesting to talk to. I also went to a kinky lunar new year event, which was mostly watching performances. I am gonna go to a discussion group about flogging tomorrow. I dunno, just trying to keep myself out there. I have been talking to someone recently which was potentially a date thing. Not sure how that will turn out but it’s been nice getting to know someone.

I’m not sure how I feel about this pandemic hitting at this particular time in my life. Some people are pointing out that this is really hard for elderly people because it’s like, their last two years on earth might be them being totally isolated. Other people point out that this is really hard for children, because of developmental phases and all of that. I think for myself it’s really disappointing because I had such an extended celibacy in my 30s, and then started having sex with people again and getting dates, and then the pandemic hit and I got dumped and dating just really hasn’t been much of a thing since this started. A friend of mine told our other friend that if someone asked her why she didn’t have kids in the future she was going to point to this pandemic and say it’s because her last childbearing years had a pandemic going on. It’s really awful.

I do feel weird about the kid thing. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have kids. I’m wondering if I am gonna be too old by the time I’m in a place where I can do that. I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t know how I can expect someone coming into my life to suddenly have a family with me. I’m really confused about it right now. I also am kind of relieved right now that I DON’T have kids. I can’t imagine parenting in a pandemic. I can’t imagine what that would be like with children. There’s lots of thoughts in my head right now.

It’s funny cause I remember people were always talking about five year plans, you gotta have a five year plan. And at most I was only able to have like, two or three year plans. And I don’t know why, it was just hard to see five years into the future. And now it kind of doesn’t matter. I think I have a one year plan now. Like it’s really reduced. And even then I don’t know what is gonna happen when the vaccinations are all done, like where we will be at that point. Will I be able to travel again?

I think my goal for so long was to get into a two bedroom here and have kids, and for that I needed a partner. But now I’m like, I dunno. Not sure about the kids thing. I’m not even totally sure I would want to live with someone. I mean maybe? I would need to know it was a good idea. And I just haven’t had much luck with roommates.

ANYWAY ha ha now I am listening to this song and feeling weepy. Not an Elton John song tho.