OMG I’m so sleepy! This is a terrible time to try and write a blog post.

Well, let’s see…

I’m trying to keep up on my work. I am writing, not coming along as fast as I would like though. This weekend I am plowing through about 101 submissions for the queer film fest I help program. I saw some good and bad stuff. It’s been illuminating. It’s also a lot to watch at once. I am stuck with about seven features at LEAST to watch, after I get through about 32 more films (some of which might also be features). It’s intimidating me! I still have time.

Friday we had a shoot day, it was, including driving, about 12 hours. SO LONG! OMG! But I think we wrapped, might do another day for pick up shots if we need more footage to fill it out, but we want to see a cut before we make that call in case there are specific images that need to be used. It’s gonna be 20 minutes in the end, which really is not very long. I can kind of see it in my head, but I know I should watch some of the raw footage again to guide the editor.

I’m really trying to keep on top of three things right now, the programming for the film fest, writing this script, and finishing this 20 minute doc. More work happens in the fall, including finally shooting this short we got money for. I am starting to say “We” now even tho it’s really just me. Maybe because I’m starting to get used to making films WITH people. I was such a solitary filmmaker for so long. Video Artist if you are gonna be fussy. But yeah, I really did the shooting, the editing, the writing, the performing, etc. Now I have producers and crew and editors and story editors and stuff and it’s not just me doing these things anymore. I still make very self driven short films, but even then it’s more collaborative than before. I am kind of liking that. I know life is about growing, and change, and I am growing and changing with my career, and my career is going into places I’ve long wanted it to go. Some of that seems to disappoint the more hardcore experimental film folks I’ve spent time with. But also, I know I need to make a living, and for the most part I am good at this stuff, and I like it which is even more important. I really think liking your career is half the battle. After that it can still be stressful, but at least you are having fun.

Anyway, it’s so weird. I’ve been trying to date, and I DO have another date coming up although we had to reschedule. But I feel kind of crappy with my broken foot, like I won’t be able to really romance someone, much less have good passionate sex with them. But disabled people have sex all the time, and this is JUST a broken foot. Like ok, no romantic walks. But it’s temporary and it’s gonna get better. Anyway yeah, I am trying to not feel so anxious about my romantic life or potential dates or rejection. Because that kind of pressure isn’t good for anyone, least of all me. But I still worry I won’t have someone fall in love with me and I’ll die alone. I mean I know I won’t, there’s someone coming, or I might know someone now. But it’s kind of been a long standing worry of mine. I think that’s from growing up as a bit of a nerd and outcast, especially being so butch and lesbian and kids being homophobic but not realizing that’s why they treated me shitty. That makes you feel weird about yourself.

Anyway yeah. I’m fine though, I just need to keep doing my jobs, keep healing my foot bone, keep eating and showering and getting up every morning. Remembering to put my clothes out the night before so in the morning I can put on my underwear and shorts before strapping on my walking boot. Like romance would be lovely, and I would have a lot to give someone. But also I just have to keep living my life and doing my thing. And I get to go to Vancouver this week, which is even more exciting! I have to figure out how to work and also see friends and loved ones and do my gigs. It will be ok. Last time I went to Vancouver tho, I got so stressed out from seeing people all the time. Like SO stressed. I wasn’t getting any alone down time. But this time I have a hotel, so that might help.

Feet. I’m so tired of my broken foot. BUT it is getting better, I had to go out of the house and it was just going to a car to go down the street to the post office, then into the post office and back. But I felt like I could go faster, my foot didn’t hurt as much, like it hurts. But it’s not feeling like I’m gonna have to sit down right away when I move around. I can walk on my boot without crutches, I still take them when I go out of the house. But I feel more like I am capable of life, which is good. And I got taken to a Starbucks drive through and it was super nice, I felt like I was out of the house and having fun. Even tho it was just to get a frappuchino.

A friend is coming tomorrow night to do my laundry. I gotta wake up early to let the cable internet installer guy in. I’m not really looking forward to that, I don’t know why they have to start at 8am. That’s too fucking early! Why can’t they start at 9am like normal people? And now I have to set my alarm for seven, ugh. And yesterday when I went to the doctor, I slept through my alarm just sleepily hitting snooze. So I really gotta set TWO alarms that sound different. I DID make it to the doctor though because my friend texted me and woke me up.

The doctor says six or eight weeks in the air cast. Maybe I could move to a stiff shoe, but the air cast is the best. And honestly I do want to heal up properly, so I’m willing to suck up six or eight weeks in this cast. And also a week and a half has gone by, so now it’s really only four and a half to six and half weeks left. Anyway, I got my insurance forms filled out, prescriptions, blah blah. I’m gonna be okay, it was super depressing on Saturday tho. Like SO depressing.

I’m in an up and down mood. Sometimes I feel very positive, other times I feel very down. I’ll be fine I’m sure. I’m still able to emotionally care for people I am close to, so that makes me feel better. And a lot of people are caring for me, which is super sweet. Like bringing me things, or driving me places, or helping do my laundry or take out the trash and recycling. I think I’m finally ready to try and wash the floor tomorrow afternoon. It’s really making me bummed out to have a dirty floor, so if I can get it washed I’ll feel a million times better.

I know in the long view of my life, a broken foot is really such a small thing, like it’s a blip. People have told me to do physio because they injured themselves and DIDN’T do physio and still have problems. So I am not in a place where I feel I can move my foot that much. Maybe next week.

I’ve been reading about bone healing, the first two weeks is inflammation. Then I think there’s something called a soft callus. Then a hard callus. Then the bone does remodelling and reinforces itself to go back to the way it was before. So it’s a process, the remodelling takes months. But hopefully in a few weeks when I get my xrays again, I can get this boot off. I am so tired of it. I can take it off when I am just sitting around, but I don’t feel brave enough for that yet. I’m so worried it’s going to heal out of place or something. Or the dog will jump on it and hurt it again. UGH!

Aside from foot troubles and a whole ton of work going on right now, things are fine. I’m flirting with some people. No one has kissed me yet though. I’m trying to be open to falling in love again, it’s hard ha ha. I am just trying to meet new people, so that’s nice. I like meeting people. With my damned broken foot.

It’s over a week now since I broke my foot. I definitely feel better when my foot is up as opposed to when it’s on the floor or standing. It’s hard to keep it up all the time. I went to the courtyard yesterday with my friend Riki and we sat and played a game of cribbage. It was nice, I had never played cribbage before. I didn’t win but that was ok. I had pizza yesterday, like a frozen pizza in the oven kind of pizza.

Today my two producers from two different projects got in touch with me and I’m trying to get back into work. I gotta make a shot list for my doc, and keep working on my script for the other producer. I guess I had to feel bad about myself for a while, but also funders mean deadlines, and deadlines are coming up. So I’m working again, more than before. It’s probably good to keep my mind off my foot.

I’m supposed to go on a date next week, and go to Vancouver on Wednesday. I’m not really looking forward to travelling with my busted foot. I am hoping all goes okay. I asked someone else on a date too, but who knows! I’m just trying to be open to the universe right now. Kind of silly with a broken foot though. Like the things I can do are so limited. Can’t go dancing. Can’t go for long walks. Can’t play volleyball on the beach or go bowling or stand for long periods. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still a fun person to be with and that there is A LOT I could do, like coffee or dinner or movies. My ex girlfriend told me about cast porn, so I watched some of that (but not much cause of bad internet) and it made me feel a little better. Maybe I can find a cast fetishist.

The internet is causing me heartache. I had to give up my DSL account and switch to cable, but cable hasn’t been installed yet. So I’m waiting on that. And it won’t happen until Thursday morning. I have all these videos to watch, which stresses me out. Ahhhhhhh! OMG!

Work stuff is stressful right now. I’m trying NOT to be stressed about it. I have so many things on the go, and only a few things I can actually do right now. My spoons count is so low these days and I have to prioritize the things I am getting paid for. Obviously. Especially since my bank account is going down. AND Egg Freezing stuff is still gonna happen and I gotta remember to head to the fertility clinic when I return from Vancouver. I’m so annoyed by all these trips I have to take right now. I know it’s nice, yay, travel is great. But I won’t be in top form until my trip to Australia in November, HOPEFULLY! So yeah, yikes. I wonder if I should get a wheelchair or that cart when I go to the airport. How do you get those carts?

Anyway I mostly wanted to write here because I AM feeling better, not so sad. Stressed but not despondent like I was. I need to find someone to do my laundry again this week. I hate feeling like I am asking too much of people. But I also am wearing dirty shorts and it’s like, gross. I have some other pairs I could change into tho. I’m just in a clothing rut.

I’m really tired, but I got to sleep in this morning for the first time in days. I slept until 10am. Little Mister woke me up so he could start his day. Posey can sleep forever if she feels like it, she just hangs out with me where ever I am in the house.’

Today a couple friends came over to bring me things and hang out, which was nice. I got to visit and have things like dog food and medication and food things. I’m looking forward to getting my life back. I don’t know how long I will be in this boot, my friend Terri who was with me at the hospital says the doctor said two weeks. I’m not sure. I’m going to be glad to get rid of it. This damn boot. I mean the thing is it DOES help, and it makes me feel a little bit more safe and secure when it’s on. It’s just my foot is stuck in one position, it doesn’t move, it’s big and clunky and makes me uneven. It’s frustrating.

I’m not as depressed as I was the other day. Yesterday I went to work and we did a shoot and I got to be out of my house seeing this event happen and it was pretty exciting. I got to be social and that was nice. And today my friends dropped by and that was nice. The more I get to see people, the better I feel about things. It’s only when I’m alone and cooped up that I get anxious, depressed, and squirrelly.

I’m taking notice of changes inside though. I bought this huge cactus a few weeks back from the corner store, and this morning I noticed it has a couple of tufts on the tops of it’s pads. I don’t know if it’s a flower, or the beginning of a new pad, or what. I did notice when I looked at it more closely that both of those pads had clearly had growth broken off in the past, where these tufts are now coming out of. Maybe the plant people were trying to keep it from getting too big to sell and transport, so they snapped off the older growth. It’s kind of a metaphor for life really, some places just keep you from growing. Anyway, it seems to have clued in that it has a safe home now and it CAN grow again, because it’s starting and I am getting a happy vibe off of it. I’m trying not to water it too much. I literally only watered it twice since I got it. Apparently it’s happy with that.

The dogs are happy I’m home so much. Posey cried the other day when I went to work. She would follow me everywhere if she could.

Anyway, it’s Friday night, I’ve got a case of near beer to drink (ha ha tho I won’t drink the whole thing), my cable works at least, and tomorrow my friend Elwood is gonna pick up my modem from the post office so I can get online and do work again.

I’m touching my healing chest tattoo a lot these days because it’s itchy, trying not to scratch tho. It’s made me feel different about my body, in like, positive and sexy ways though. Like, I just really like looking at it now. I have my shirt off a lot more when I’m home and the blinds are closed. I feel like it’s an attractive tattoo, and it kind of fits my gender really well, it’s a roaring bear with a chrysanthemum, so it’s like a sweet balance of masculine and feminine. It makes me feel more at home in my body, which is nice. It’s still a bit tender in places. It was red in one area, but that seems to have gone away now. Bears are my guardian spirit animal, so it has a lot of personal meaning for me. I’ve had bear dreams my whole life and feel an affinity towards them. I’m not allowed to eat them for spiritual reasons. I’m not supposed to eat horses either actually. I have had bear grease on me in the past, but I think that’s permitted for Medicine reasons.

Anyway, I’m gonna be okay. I need to do dishes tonight, it would improve my life. I’ve put it off because I needed to be able to be on my feet for fifteen minutes to wash them up. And that was a lot to ask. But tonight I fried up some bacon, and I was able to put most of my weight on my left leg, and it seemed okay.

My foot is a little swollen where the injury was today, I think probably because I moved around a lot yesterday. ALSO I didn’t take any tylenol yesterday, which was kinda stupid. I took some today. But yeah, it was a mistake, because I felt pretty sore at the end of the day.

Next week hopefully we are gonna finish up the shoot. We’ll see. We talked about ways for me to be able to direct while sitting down. I kind of joked about needing a director’s chair, but the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a totally good idea. I’m sure I can get other chairs at the location. But a director’s chair sounds nice, like real pro ha ha!

Anyway, I’m not AS bummed out as the last post I wrote here. It still comes and goes though.

I’m listening to Tori Amos tonight so you can be sure I am in some kind of mood, some kind of cry a lot and think about missed chances mood or something.
Mostly though, I’ve realized I’m kind of sinking into a depression from not having the same abilities to move around that I had Sunday afternoon, before my fracture. I am pretty limited in what I can do. I’m scared to take the TTC, and I can’t even walk far enough to get to the bus stop anyway. I took a cab the other day across town and back that I’m waiting to get reimbursed for and it was about $55. I’m bored as fuck at home and my internet is mostly down, which means I can’t upload videos to a screening in Vancouver and I can’t preview videos for either of the two organizations I need to preview videos for. I’m going out tomorrow to do some work, I’m worried I won’t manage, we’ll see. I’ve been taking afternoon naps because I haven’t gotten enough sleep because the Bell tech kept coming early in the morning to try and fix my Internet before we found out it was the modem. And I stay up late. And tomorrow I have to get up early again. I feel shitty whining about my busted foot but also I kind of need people to listen to me because it’s been difficult, and listen without telling me all their problems like we are in Problem Competition.
I hate being depressed, especially since it’s summer and my therapist and my GP are both on holidays for a few weeks. And I know it’s situational depression and I’m gonna heal and be fine but it still really sucks. And I’m mostly getting enough help from friends, but also I’m not totally getting enough social activity which is hard cause I can’t leave my house much and leaving it just to go work is just kinda shitty.
AHHHHHH I hate depression. I think it’s kind of a cumulative depression though of this past year and having nothing to do but reflect on my shitty choices and situations I have been in and people I have been friends with who treated me kind of shitty. Well, really shitty. UGH. It’s frustrating. I would love to go to a movie or take a walk or go to the store or even just get on a stupid bus and walk around Bed Bath and Beyond but I’m stuck at home. And I can’t even watch Netflix because the internet is down. Until Friday, HOPEFULLY, when the new modem comes. And I can’t handle someone telling me to go for a walk cause it’s a sunny day when I can’t fucking walk further than to the bathroom and back. Or MAYBE from here to the sidewalk. Ugh, people don’t get it.
I can’t wash my floor which really bothers me, because I have dogs so it needs pretty regular washings. People keep asking me to do arty business stuff and I can do some within reason but also I’m really low on spoons and most of my day is spent doing a little bit of writing and then trying to look after myself. I have no partner and I live alone so I’ve had to try and be independent and people keep being like “Put your feet up!” and I’m like “Do you see anyone making me food right now? Do you see anyone picking up after the dogs? Do you see anyone who lives with me who is able to do the dishes?” Ugh. I’ve gotten some help. But some household tasks are just there and need to be done and I’m not able to just sit back like a princess and not do anything because someone is gonna bring me a plate of food every few hours. So that’s frustrating. I got overwhelmed with everyone’s unsolicited advice on facebook, some of which was completely different than what my actual DOCTOR told me, so I finally declared it Don’t Give Thirza Unsolicited Advice Day today and I think that helped.
The dogs are good to have around. We never went on super frequent dog walks, so they are mostly okay hanging out with me. I know in a month when I’m more mobile, Posey is gonna be ridiculously happy to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I feel bad like I’m robbing her of a summer.
And then I feel bad about missing out on summer, I can’t go to the beach again because the sand isn’t a stable surface for my feet. I am still going to Vancouver but it’s probably going to be pretty low key since I have a busted foot. I have dog care worked out for that, so I’m glad. But I still have to figure out how to get them out there. It sucks.
I dunno, I don’t know how I’m gonna stop being depressed. I guess it will go away as I am able to do more things. But it’s kind of horrifying to be stuck at home like this. Tomorrow I get to go to work out of town, and I won’t have to be on my feet, I get to sit down, I think it will be fine, and I’m looking forward to going somewhere else.
I remember when my grandparents were old, like old old, before they died, and I would go visit them all the time, and I remember thinking how hard that would be to be stuck in your apartment like that. Like they had the other care home residents to visit. But mostly they stayed in their room. I thought about other seniors there who didn’t get visitors, and how lonely that would be. Oh man. I’m terrified when I’m old I’m gonna be one of those forgotten elderly people. It kind of feels like that now, although really I HAVE had more visitors than I normally have. We had band practice this week and they came over and helped me with stuff. My friend Riki came by today. My friend Terri came when I was stuck on a gurney waiting for the doctor at St. Mike’s. Like I’m not ALL ALONE. It just feels like it sometimes. I’m still getting interesting invitations to other places in the future, when this foot is better and life is back to normal. Like, things are going to be fine. It just sucks right now.

Soooo, I was going to the store last night, for near beers, I was just bored of what I had to drink at home. The light is burned out in my stairwell. I put in a work order last week for the light to get replaced, but no one had come to do it. Anyway, I stepped on something that shouldn’t have been there, that I couldn’t see because it was too dark. And my foot rolled and there was an awful CRACK noise. It hurt so bad omg. I just kind of sat there gasping and in pain and tried to see if it was bad enough I needed to go back to the couch. And how would I get there? OMG. I kind of hopped back to the couch and lay there and cried for a while. I called my Mom but she was not helpful. I called the Healthline and they couldn’t have someone call me back for two and a half hours. So I just sat there waiting and talking about my pain on Facebook. I was too terrified to try and move on it. The nurse called back and got me to stand on it, it seemed… well not okay, but not as bad as I thought. She couldn’t say it wasn’t broken though and said I should see a doctor within 24 hours. So I asked if I should go to the hospital, she said it didn’t make sense to go this late at night and wait for hours and I could sleep and go tomorrow. So I did. I had some scary moments trying to get around my apartment on one leg. I nearly fell over a bunch of times. I hurt my foot a few times. Ugh god. My friend Riki came by after midnight with an ace bandage, Tylenol, an ice pack, and some chocolate. So I wrapped my foot and went to bed.

In the morning I washed myself as best as I could, put on some clothes, and made my way to the bottom of the stairs and out the front door, basically slithering down on my butt. I got outside and locked it behind me and called the ambulance. Some paramedics came and took me to St. Mike’s and I found out it was a 5th Metatarsal Fracture. Basically when my foot rolled, a tendon pulled a piece of my bone away. There are a few kinds of 5th metatarsal fractures you can get, and mine is an avulsion which is not as serious as the others. It still sucks tho, and it’s still a 12 week recovery period. They gave me a walking boot that looks like something from Robocop, and a pair of crutches. My friend Terri also came and sat with me in Emergency for a while and got me some magazines, food, and a drink. So that was nice. I’m not totally sure how long I need the crutches, I think it might be that at a certain point I’ll just need the boot. Right now it’s not doing well with weight on it. It doesn’t like me stepping a certain way either.

I think it didn’t sink in until I got home, how helpless I am at the moment. I still need the co-op to come and replace the lightbulb in the stairwell. I’m cabbing it for a while. My friend is bringing me dog food tomorrow, because the pups are out. My other friend is gonna do my laundry. I have to do the sheets and towels and my clothes. I had to give up my L7 ticket, which really sucked because it’s General Admission and I have a hard time doing those shows even when my foot isn’t broken. I found a place to order groceries from, which is really helpful, they come on Wednesday. I’m gonna have to get my pharmacy to deliver some medications in a while, which also sucks but ok I can deal with that. I’m worried mostly about errands I have to do, I can get some help with them which is good. But such a drag. I hate asking for help. I am happy people CAN help, but also it sucks. I have this real need to be independent, so coming to terms with my dependence on services and friends is hard.

Mostly it’s weird realizing my mobility issues have totally changed. I live on the second floor of a co-op, and there’s no elevator, my steps go right down to my front door on the first floor. And there are stairs AFTER THAT. I often wondered what would happen if I had mobility problems, now I know. The stairs aren’t AS BAD as I thought they would be, I have a railing. But ugh. It sucks. And all because I couldn’t replace the broken lightbulb in my stairwell. I mean, I knew it was bad when it went out. Because it’s at the top of a flight of stairs. I could fall down and seriously injure myself replacing it. Tomorrow I have to get in touch with my co-op guy and tell them I broke my foot because I have no light in my stairwell and I really need the maintenance guy to come fix it already. Ugh so annoying.

Anyway, it’s gonna fuck up my life for several weeks. It will keep improving though. And it’s not gonna suck forever. And someday I’ll be able to do my laundry and buy groceries again. But man, what a drag.

The good news is I signed up for Health and Life Insurance in April and I am getting a $3000 broken bone benefit. So thank god for that! I’m putting it in my Egg Freezing piggybank for my second cycle.

So, I had my fertility clinic appointment a couple of days ago! It was intense! Ultrasound, they asked when my last period was and then I had to explain my situation (no periods), then the doctor met with me and got a medical and family history. He also asked about my last period and I had to go over it again. Then I got an exam, sort of general look over (heart and lungs) and then a pelvic exam and stuff. And then we went back to his office and he gave me the run down on egg freezing, embryo freezing, the stats on how many eggs retrieved vs. how many eggs end up being useful vs. how many eggs actually fertilize vs. how many embryos have no genetic abnormalities and then finally the very very very few/one embryo left from a cycle that can get implanted, and the risks that might not work either. Oh man! And because I’m 40, the chances of genetic abnormalities goes up. So it’s really like, slim chances, BUT still more of a chance of having a baby than not doing anything. Anyway, looks like I will need to do a couple of cycles. Which is more money. The second cycle is discounted though, which is nice. He said he could find me a surrogate when I am ready, it’s expensive though, $40,000. That’s like, a lot of money. I’ve seen surrogates in the States costing about $100,000 though which is bananas. It’s definitely something I am going to have to figure out in the next couple of years.

Making a baby is expensive, at least doing it this way. I got blood tests at the end of it all, one of them is going to find out what a hormone level is that will determine where my fertility is. They were able to count my follicles in my ovaries, which was helpful. I checked the number online and it’s somewhat low, but not like, horribly low. Like it’s still reasonable. But still, it’s now or never really on the egg freezing. They told me to come in on a convenient day. It’s 9-11 days worth of shots from what is normally the second day of your period. But since I don’t have periods we have to check where I am in my cycle another way. Then I go in basically every day for monitoring and hormone injections, and then they retrieve eggs. They said they do it with “conscious sedation” so I won’t remember anything. That still makes me worry I’m gonna be aware when it happens. I really hope it doesn’t hurt a lot.

I’m getting worried my finances won’t hold up for all of this. They will hold up for a while, but I’m also going for a trip to Australia in November, and I’m getting Invisaligns at the end of the month and have to pay for half of that. I dunno! It’s really nerve wracking to know I have to do this expensive thing that is so time sensitive and also a total gamble and in the end I might have to adopt anyway. Like what if it’s just throwing my money away? On the other hand, ANYONE doing fertility stuff has to wonder about that. If I could pay more I could freeze embryos and have a better idea of how many are viable. It’s really dodgy. BUT ALSO they know what they are doing.

I wish I was getting an award this year. That would help. OH I kind of am. Except I’m using it to live on. I dunno, I did my budget and I seem to have enough if I don’t go wild buying shit I don’t need. I really need to sit down and do some math again. Like, how much will Australia cost? How much will Invisaligns cost? How much will 2 cycles of egg freezing cost? How much do I need to live a month?

At least it’s tax deductible. At least, I am pretty sure it is. I seem to have made a lot of money this year. I wish more of it was covered. It would be more affordable then.

I’m about a week away from my Fertility Clinic appointment. I need to read my email from the office again and remember all the things I need to bring and do, like have a full bladder, etc. I’m nervous, I really want it to go well. I want to find out I have a good chance of getting some eggs. I want it to not cost a horribly huge amount of money. Ahhh geez. Assisted reproduction is so pricey. Some of it is funded. But also the Ontario Government is getting ruthless with cuts and already took away school repair money. So it’s a bit like, wanting to not be noticed by the evil in charge ha ha aww.

Anyway, I got my script done, at least this draft. I need to do another draft by the end of summer. My hand is shaking right now I don’t know what that’s about. Stress? Ha ha beats me.

I recently talked with someone from a university I applied to five years ago that I got waitlisted for and ultimately didn’t get into. He seems really disappointed that they missed having me in their school. There was a moment when it seemed like there was no record of my application, but they found it this morning. But it did make me briefly wonder if they had lost my application altogether. They didn’t.

But there was this few hours yesterday when I was thinking about what would have happened if I got into that program and that school. I would have been in Toronto a year earlier. I wouldn’t have Posey, which would be sad. I would have met different people sooner. I dunno, it sent me in a bit of a spiral of imagining an alternate timeline and all the things that would have been different. It made me think a lot about Destiny and outside forces and the forks in the road that we all come to.

I remember that university told me to reapply if I didn’t get off the waitlist. And I didn’t, I didn’t reapply or get off the waitlist. I was just so fed up with them, they didn’t tell me my decision until I called, like it wasn’t on the website or in a letter. I felt it reflected badly on the university that they were so cavalier with my application that I had to call to find out anything way past the time people were getting decision letters. So yeah I applied to Ryerson the next year and got in and that’s basically that. I don’t want to go back and get another masters degree. Or a PhD. And I think things worked out ultimately in my favour in other ways.

It reminds me of my near death experiences. I have almost died a few times, like brushes with death, not like being hospitalized. Like being mysteriously saved before potential fatal injuries. Like nearly getting hit by cars, or falling from a height, or things like that. Just these events that leave my heart pounding and I get weak after and am like “Wow that was close.” But I didn’t die. And I’ve sometimes wondered if it keeps happening for a reason, that I don’t die or get physically disabled. I don’t know, that probably sounds shitty because it makes it sound like people who DO die, die for a reason. But yeah, Destiny is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.

Anyway, I got a blender today with Crushing Technology! I think I got it because it had Crushing on the box and I’m trying to use it to make crushed chokecherries. A noble purpose! I guess I oughta fry up some bannock with that too.

BUT Before all of that, I am going to boxing tonight. I am also getting an Industrial piercing fixed this Friday! SO EXCITED! I’m gonna look cute!

Anyway, guess I should get ready for boxing. Who knows what destiny has in store for me???

OK so these bug bites are only on my hands and arms. BUT STILL it’s been ALMOST a week since I got back from Haida Gwaii and I’m still goddamn itchy!

Haida Gwaii was great! I met amazing people and did some amazing things and saw eagles almost every day!

I also got to screen 2 Spirit videos for people, which was cool!

Now I’m back easing into my work life. I have three major projects on the go right now, and one coming soon. I’ve been editing a video and also writing a script and also working on a doc. We have a new angle for the doc, which is exciting. The script seems on track to having this draft completed by the end of Sunday or Monday. It’s gonna need more work I’m sure, but I feel like the characters are embodying more distinct personalities this time.

I’m getting tattooed next month, and seeing the fertility clinic. And seeing Janelle Monae and L7. So that is all pretty fuckin’ exciting. I also get to stay home until August 8th, which is a relief. Although I’ll be likely traveling the last bit of July, and I know my regular dog sitter is unavailable, so I’ll have to work something out.

I’m also going somewhere pretty fucking exciting in November, and I have a plane ticket already that was surprisingly affordable considering how fucking far away this place is, and I just got my travel grant submitted. Canada Council changed the way they do travel grants, so now there are six deadlines. And the next deadline is in August, so I won’t actually find out about this travel grant until December, SUPER FRUSTRATING! On the other hand, so often travel grants are a gamble and I just go and find out when I get home or when I am travelling if I actually got the grant. So this is kind of par for the course. It’s exciting! I’ve never been to this particular continent before, so I am looking forward to it.

I’m doing other things than working super hard though. I’ve been doing a lot of personal growth stuff, mostly centred around (surprise!) journalling. I seemed to be going through A Thing this last year which brought up a lot of feelings about old stuff, in particular ways I was treated by past girlfriends and lovers. Which really wasn’t very good. And I’m realizing I am a different person than whoever they thought they were seeing in me, especially with the passage of time since those experiences. But sort of that dismissive cold feeling I got off of them made me have a really low opinion of myself and probably put up with more bullshit than I should have. I think it’s kind of sad that I’m not interested in getting back together with any of them. Like surely there must be someone I would want to go back to! But, no. Nobody. And I don’t think any of them would want to try again with me anyway.

But I’m noticing a little bit more attention from people who are VERY different than the people I used to date. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 40 and things are way different now. Or if I’m being more upfront and want different things now. It’s a good thing. Like I don’t want to keep dating The Sexy Girl who isn’t really serious about me and is gonna ditch me right away when she decides I’m not cool enough anymore. And not to say these people interested in me aren’t sexy, just that I think there’s a sense of people who are interested in having families now and actual lives together, and not just meaningless sex and treating me pretty shitty. Like that doesn’t mean I’m going to do that with any of these people, but I really don’t know, and the fact that people are being more open about looking for that sort of thing is a big difference from my dating life before. Anyway, I haven’t actually gone on any dates this year yet. But I might, who knows, we’ll see. I think it’s going to be different than my weird dates last year. And other Weird Things I was doing that ultimately led nowhere.

I just know there’s a sense of needing to be upfront about what I want. Like being monogamous and having a family, and before I did a lot of polya bullshit (I know polya is not bullshit but all the polya I did was pretty much bullshit) with people who really DID NOT WANT children in their lives. It really cuts down on the crap when you’re upfront about what you are looking for. I don’t want casual sex anymore. I don’t think I ever did though. Like that’s just not who I am. Anyway, I feel more positive about that. It’s also fucking scary as shit. I am pretty sure I am ready. But parts of me get discouraged when I think about how much work is involved in developing a relationship with someone, like being open (ha ha you’re laughing) and brave about feelings and clear about boundaries and desires, and things I just don’t have a great skillset in. Because I haven’t had any really serious relationships. Like I don’t remember the last time I had to process with a lover. It’s been a long damn time. For the longest time I was just letting people know my Fetlife name instead of sitting down and having an honest conversation about the kinds of sex I am into and up for and looking for (spoiler: Letting someone read your fetish list is not the same as honest communication). So I feel like I have a steep learning curve for starting a real relationship. Anyway ha ha omg I hope this blog doesn’t scare people off.

BUT basically what I am saying is I think I am really ready to start dating again, and that’s exciting for me. And I think my work is still making me pretty happy, the stress is going to go way down soon, next week the video is due, so that will be off my plate. And this draft is due next week too, then it gets notes, then another draft this summer. So things are positive for me really. When I put my very complicated emotions aside, my life is objectively a really good thing these days. I have friends, work, enough cash to live, resources, community. I think I’m ready to add dating to it. I still need to go back to boxing tho!

So it’s really the first full day on Haida Gwaii. I’m really tired from yesterday, I got up so early in Toronto and stayed up until 11pm in Haida Gwaii. It was grey and drizzly yesterday, but today it got nice and sunny and warm. This morning the people I am staying with took me crabbing. They let me use one of their hip waders too. I have never done such a thing before, crabbing I mean. OR wearing of hip waders either! Anyway, they sent me out into the ocean with a net and some instructions of what to look for. I nearly fell over a couple of times on some seaweedy rocks, so I was trying not to go into the really weedy areas. Anyway finally I see a crab under the water, and it seemed big enough. I got my net and started freaking out because I was trying to scoop it up and it was trying to escape and I didn’t want to fuck up it’s legs… anyway, I got a crab! And I felt really triumphant. It was a male, so we could keep it, and it was big enough too.

I don’t actually know if the crab in the photo above is the one I caught, because there were four of us crabbing so we ended up with a fair number of them. BUT this would be very similar to the one I scooped up.

There were a lot of tinier crabs too, just little babies zooming around and tumbling in the currents. And some flounders or something, there was a flat fish that would zoom around and then bury itself in the sand.

I also saw so many eagles. I’m like “ooooh eagles!” and the people here are just like “yeah yeah” cause they see them all the time.

I’m trying to get some pick up shots for my video I am working on, but so far things here are gorgeous and clean and I don’t know how I’m gonna show how polluted the world was left in my fictional doc. I mean I guess it could be an “AFTER” image when Indigenous people clean up? But also no one from the Northwest Coast is in my video, which is kinda funny. BUT who knows, I could use it for something else. AND there is supposed to be a garbagey beach someone is gonna take me to.

I did a lot of editing on the plane coming here, because the entertainment system went down so the wifi was shitty and spotty. BUT like you can get a lot of editing done in a five hour flight with no internet access. Anyway, I got from 18-19 minutes down to 12 and a half minutes. Which is pretty good. I want to cut down at least another minute or more though. I was supposed to make a ten minute video and I know pushing it can really suck, people get bored, etc. And I’m not sure how my new footage will work. Really I need to get some urban environments, like graffiti and stuff. I need a film buddy who will spot me and look like muscle so no one will jack me for my camera. Ha ha just chicken.

Anyway, it’s beautiful out here. I hope I see some whales! I’ve seen a deer and eagles and crabs and flounders. But no bears or whales yet!