I’m avoiding facebook right now because I’m finding my “friends” there to be more antagonistic and unsafe for me to interact with at this moment in time. What I really should do is claim my territory on my own spot on fb and do a mass unfriending. Because really there are just some shitty people who shouldn’t be able to comment on, react to, or see my stuff. But that’s such a headache. Really it makes the most sense tho. I’m just not ready to admit that my 700+ friends don’t all have my best interests at heart. It’s ridiculous though, I could easily cut 100 people and still have a network. Some people want to be my friends for work reasons though, but like, whatever, they can always ask me for my email or find me here. Like me posting 100 pictures of my dogs isn’t necessary for them to see to have a working relationship with me.

It’s just very frustrating when you know your friends and family don’t really respect you, or understand or validate that you have a range of emotions which are not going to all be complimentary towards them. And yes I am still pretty pissed off, but not going to punch a wall still. And I’m glad a couple of people checked in on me, including my Auntie Lori and an ex girlfriend. I’m pretty pissed at a couple of people in my family, who will remain nameless but will probably leave a shitty comment here anyway.

On the other hand, I haven’t logged into Facebook since around 1pm, and it’s actually kind of refreshing to not be inundated with ridicule. I know some people have left comments on my last posts, but I haven’t checked and part of me doesn’t really want to. Like I am genuinely expecting some shitty comments. On the OTHER hand, if I did go back and check and find some shitty comments, at least I will know who gets chucked out of my facebook “friends” list.

I had some shitty self harm urges today, but I’m ignoring them because I know how to cope with that shit. It’s just this shitty thing my brain goes to when I’m in distress. Like it’s so automatic, I don’t even know why. OMG but no one call the cops because if you really want to check in just call me. I’m not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. I just feel gross today because I’m disappointed in things the way they are. And even tho I feel gross and pissed off and in distress, I am not gonna cut myself or anything. Just blog and cry. I don’t know tho, do people think writing is self harm? I guess I piss some people off, but that’s not the same as me cutting up my arm. It’s all ideation anyway and nothing with an actual follow through. I’m just being honest about living with bipolar and having a couple of days of distress.

I’ve got shit to do this week though, so this blogging/crying thing is going to ease up for a while.

Having the dogs around is nice. They were being super cute and cuddly today. I had to go meet someone to do some storyboarding and audio recording today, but when I got back seeing the pups was nice. Even tho they are barky. I’m disappointed in certain people today. But like whatever, I know I can’t rely on people. And seriously the few people who did reach out made me feel a little better and validated my need to get off fb for a while.

I think maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist again soon. I have an appointment already, but sooner might be better.

I was on Twitter and Tumblr today instead, which was a nice alternative to fb. But didn’t have the same personal touch as fb. God why do I even want to go back to fb? It’s like an abusive relationship. Like I’m all “But it could change! Maybe if I prove I have feelings people will be nicer!” but it doesn’t work that way. But yeah, if I did some mass unfriendings I could possibly have a better experience there. There’s some people who have really pushed the envelope with me over time and I need to set some boundaries about it.

My Auntie Lori said maybe I feel raw because I just made a whole bunch of art. And that could be true. My last video which is showing in Vancouver was more personal and intimate than the other two comedies I did. I have a lot of feelings around it. And I’m literally naked and covered with dirt in it.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be off facebook. For all I know I might go back on later tonight. But on the other hand I have a lot of apprehension about the shit show my friends list is, and what shitty things people may have said. I was telling my Auntie how there’s this feeling I’ve only had since social media came around, where I know a comment is gonna be totally shitty and mean, BUT I also know I have to read it otherwise everyone else will read it and I won’t know what’s going on. And it’s this sinking in the pit of my stomach and a deep apprehension. It’s not fun and I have been feeling it a lot these days.

I am in such a pissy mood right now. And being bipolar there’s a lot of pressure to always be fucking cheerful and pleasant and DON’T rock the fucking boat and if people do wrong by you then whatever you can just keep smiling because otherwise they’ll say you’re crazy and moody. Fuck that! I am not a cheerful pleasant person right now. I am frustrated and angry and my social sphere is shrinking and there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that because I’ve alienated like, two people who I used to be on good terms with, and it’s not coming back. And I’m not like, in a conciliatory mood right now either. I can’t go tell people who seriously pissed me off or who I seriously pissed off that I can make it up to them or that whatever it’s okay I would do anything to be their friend again.

Ugh. So fucking mad. And it’s like crying mad it’s not even like, wall punching mad. Which is a shitty kind of mad to be anyway because A) it’s violent and B) now you have to fix your fucking wall. And I’m riding out the death gasps of my Macbook Pro until my new Macbook Pro arrives and it’s got a cracking screen and the keyboard doesn’t work so it’s got an external keyboard and it kind of sums up my frame of mind where I have been doing all these internal accommodations and really shoving down a lot of feelings and it’s not good and it’s kind of like, oh shit, the dam is bursting, and I have to stay off Facebook or I’m going to alienate a whole slew of friends with my angry mood. Yes that was a run on sentence and I don’t give a fuck!

Like I don’t get mad so often. But when I do it’s like, ARGH! FUCK! I’m so irritated. I’m irritated by the way people treat me. I’m irritated with the way the world is going. I’m frustrated that there’s this shitty power dynamic in the world that puts people like me at the bottom. And the funny thing is what tipped it over the edge was that my Mom was ignoring me when I would call her tonight. Like she would answer, but every time I talked she would talk right over me. EVERY TIME. And it was pissing me off so I made a facebook post about it and then a couple friends did the laughing react which made me see red and I had to get off facebook before I alienated more people.

I’ve only ever punched one person in my life, and it was my cousin, and we were 11. I have all these angry angry thoughts A LOT of the time, but I never do anything about them besides write them out. But it still pisses me off when people treat my anger or sadness as diminutive and of no consequence. Just because I’m not roundhouse punching people at the bar doesn’t mean I’m not seriously pissed off.

And yesterday there was this big long thread on my wall about how bipolar disorder can be treated by vitamins and ayahuasca and I’m just like nope nope nope. Vitamins will just give you expensive pee. And the pharmaceutical companies you hate, guess what, they make the vitamins too. Anyway that pissed me off especially when she suggested I was gonna get diabetes from my medication. You know what? I’m Indigenous, there’s a pretty safe bet I’m gonna get diabetes regardless.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t know, I wonder if I should post this on my facebook, but I’m trying to stay away from it because it will just piss me off more. But no one reads my blog if I don’t post it on facebook. I hate facebook man. It’s a trap. And it keeps people from posting art that has nudity in it, yet you can see all kinds of fucked up violent animal abuse and rape and shit on it. Or hate propaganda that for whatever reason doesn’t “violate community values.” You know what you can do with your community values Mark? You can shove them right up your ass!

Anyway, now FB has that Pride react which is cute, but rainbowing everything is kinda weird. Especially since it says right on it “PRIDE.” Jeez. I don’t know where it’s appropriate so I’m just priding selfies of people or cute animal videos or gay things, of which there are plenty.

And you know, fakebook makes me be a different person, a way more self-censored person. Like some of my rage against Canadian racism and good old Canadian white supremacy gets watered down on FB because again, I don’t want to alienate my white “allies” or “in laws” or whatever weird relationships I have with white people that really aren’t healthy if they can’t handle some Indigenous rage in their feed. Also I’m pretty sexual, even as a single person. And I see some gay male friends being a lot more overt about sex in their feeds, and I am envious, because if I talk about coming or fisting or this crazy new sex toy I got or thinking of going to the neighbourhood bathhouse on women and trans night, then people are gonna be bitchy about it and report me and get my account disabled. Like my Mom’s friends, or old high school friends, or just general heterosexual prudes on my friends list. And I know there’s a way I could possibly make an Overshare list on FB to just share to like minded pervs, but that also sounds like a lot of work.

Anyway. I’m feeling a little bit better. Although my social circle is still small and I still can’t talk to my mom or she’ll talk over me and not be interested in what I have to say. And I am still crying and angry, just feeling like, well, I’m not going to punch the wall still. And I haven’t deactivated fakebook. But I am still frustrated.

But it’s almost 11pm. I can still have an orgasm before bed and chill out. Like, there are things to do. And tomorrow I can go back to doing some writing, because I have a deadline by the end of next week. And there’s still Twitter and Tumblr. Sometimes when FB pisses me off I go there. Twitter is a lot more political, the Tumblr stuff I post is often ridiculous. Like once I reposted this woman having sex with a fucking machine while in bondage on the front of a truck zooming down the highway and it said “How it feels to chew 5 gum” and made me laugh so hard. Anyway, that obviously can’t go on Facebook, which is fine because my family would have a cow. There are still great and majestic places to waste one’s time on the internet besides facebook.

Yesterday they announced the new Macbook Pro’s, AND released them, so I tried to order one yesterday but my bank was being a dink. Then I managed to FINALLY do it today. I talked to a guy in Austin Texas named Steve and he was totally surprised when I listed out some letters for an apple card and said Zed instead of Zee. He’s never heard a Canadian say Zed before. That was pretty cute. But really he was so helpful and went through all the things with me and helped me figure out which adaptors to get. The adaptors and Microsoft Office are being shipped today, but the Macbook has to be specially built. So that won’t ship for another four or six days, and then take however long to actually get here. It’s pretty exciting!

Yesterday I finished writing my monologue for my experimental video I am doing this week. LAST VIDEO OF THE YEAR (so far) but it seemed ready and good so I recorded it today, and tomorrow I am going to start doing shooting of the visuals. I need to make some fake blood, get some cheese cloth, get some dollarama dirt, and think of some more imagery to use. I’m doing more performative stuff this time. It’s been an interesting trio of videos over the last couple of months, a really ridiculous spoof of lavalife, a comedic doc with some truths and lies, and now this totally serious experimental video.

I’m still in this situation where I need to direct a narrative dramatic short for my future as a director of a dramatic feature. I need to pick something really good to direct, and there’s a freaking Canada Council deadline approaching FAST and if I wait the next time they look at applications is not until November, and then I won’t hear until March. And I really do want to get some more money coming in. BUT ai! Jeez. Like I don’t know if I have a project built up enough to propose, besides my video game, which obviously ISN’T a dramatic short, and also when I applied last time with my game they really didn’t like it and didn’t give me a grant or even a “Highly recommend” which means they really weren’t going to give me a grant even if they had the money. Most unpopular! I still want to finish it, and I think I would have fun with it. But yeah, I don’t think they are into that project. BUT things have changed at Canada Council, and I COULD apply with another project (hopefully a dramatic short) in November AND apply with my video game for this round because it’s the most developed project I have that could use funding. Ha ha jeez just put my whole thinking process out here.

OKAY so I will try to write a better more exciting grant for my project. Maybe this time they can get a playable version of the game so far. It would be nice if they saw how it worked instead of a vague video that could be an animation for all they know. It’s hard because I’d be in a different category than my usual film/video category, and there are a lot of much more advanced media artists than I. I am kind of doing crossover work here. Anyway, I will throw my hat in the ring, AGAIN, and see what happens. The Council changed everything around, and seems to have more money. So who knows?

Either way, a new Macbook is coming, I got some good sound equipment, I recorded a monologue, I’ve made two videos so far, I have an outline to write, and a grant to prepare evidently. I also put my final report in yesterday. Things are doing pretty good. I’ve also had two requests from Berlin to screen an old work of mine (and I believe it’s already screened once last weekend) and I’m pretty happy about that. I need to screen more places! I’ve been submitting one of my other new vids to a bunch of places, but I won’t hear about that for a while.

Trying to shoot for three hours tomorrow, then write! After this video is done this weekend my workload is gonna mostly be writing, which I am happy about because I really need to concentrate on it. Still gotta make this deadline next week with it tho!

So I am sitting on a brand new couch from Ikea, with my foot on a brand new bench from Ikea, pretty happy with these things! It’s a super comfortable couch, I haven’t had a nap on it yet, but I am sure that will be pretty awesome when I finally do.

I’ve been waiting for my Macbook. I was going to order it, then heard they may be announcing all new Macbook Pro’s tomorrow. I’ve been holding off for a while. I really need a new Macbook Pro too because while I was in Winnipeg my Macbook started acting up and the YUIO keys alternately do and don’t work. And that’s like, three sometimes four vowels, so it really fucked with me. I have some writing work to do, so I was like freaking out and looking up every possible fix to get it working again. It looks like it’s a hardware problem though. I have an appointment with the Apple Store genius bar tomorrow, but I think I need to cancel it because I NEED to write a 20 page outline in the next two weeks, AND I have to shoot and edit a video this week. So I gotta keep it all at home, and not having ANY laptop would just screw up this crucial writing and video production week I have right now. I did go out and buy an external keyboard, which is saving my skin. I am writing on it right now, YUIO keys work no problem. It’s an awkward set up, but it’s working and temporary and as soon as I get a new Macbook Pro I can take this in to get fixed properly. Although it’s like, such a garbage laptop. 🙁

Today is the world Premiere of Riki and I’s video The Longform Lesbian Census, which should be fun. It’s at Buddies In Bad Times and a bunch of people are screening there.

I am waiting for some cheques! 😀 I hope they show up soon.

I am currently OFF welfare, because my assets are too high to qualify right now. But they said I could go back on when they get under 2500. I am going to try and stay off for a while though, I’m getting paid for my writing near the end of summer so if I can just hang on until then I’ll be ok! I’m really happy to be off Welfare, but also anxious about cash flow. I can still go through with my ODSP hearing though. I need to talk to legal aid though.

We got our plane tickets to Glasgow this past week. We head there, then go around Scotland, then Auntie Beth goes home and Mom and I head over to London. We were thinking of leaving from Glasgow, but London has flights leaving from Gatwick with Westjet, so we are going on one of those planes. I think it’s actually quite a smaller plane than the usual ones I have been on to go overseas. I guess we’ll see! More shit happened in London last night, which sucks. But I’m still determined to go! I know the threat level is really high right now. But, I dunno. I’m going to try and trust the universe.

I got some really good notes from my editor, so I am going to do some writing this afternoon before I go out. I need to get a foot back into it. Even if I wrote one paragraph today it would be a better start than where I am now. For me it’s always the first sentence that is the hardest, I over think it and make it all complicated, and then when I get into actually writing the thing it goes way better.

I also have to finish writing my monologue for the video I am shooting this week. I have some ideas floating around, but I haven’t really sat down to make a concrete plan for it. And I am getting the camera tomorrow, so I gotta be on the ball about this. It will be the third (and possibly final) video I have made in 2017. If I DO make more videos this year, it will probably be me finally finishing up my Webseries. But that needs more work still.

I have to get a draft of my script done this summer for the next Telefilm deadline. So the pressure is on! I know I can do it, I just want the outline to give me a good blueprint for my writing. It’s good for me to have deadlines though, I work well under pressure because of my ADHD. It’s a strange thing.

I had to cancel my Montreal trip in August. But maybe I will be able to go in July for a few days. I’m waiting to see if my other friend can put me up in her spare room. I also have to be here for the Blondie concert on July 26th. There are so many things happening this summer!

OMG I am so excited to get a new Macbook Pro. I really hope they release them asap!

I’m back in Saskatoon from a whirlwind one day Winnipeg trip to pick up my REVEAL award from the Hnatyshyn Foundation. I shook hands with the Lieutenant Governor of Manitoba, and met Gerda Hnatyshyn, and saw a lot of friends, and generally had a good time. The first stop when we got back was the bank to deposit my cheque! So it’s waiting for the hold to get taken off and then I go get my new laptop.

It was nice being celebrated and celebrating 150 artists (109 made it!)! We had a cute ceremony when we got to all go up and get our awards. Chief Perry Belgarde made a speech at the reception and another at the ceremony and both times he got booed, it was pretty funny. They played God Save the Queen and the Canadian National Anthem at the beginning and a lot of us got super uncomfortable. Ha ha. Like “Thanks for reminding us we are colonized!” But then they had some drummers do an honour song and people got excited again.

Mom wanted us to do an IKEA trip so the whole time we were there she was talking about it. I was dubious, BUT I did pick out a couch I was interested in, so we got to sit on it and look at the cover swatches, and it was firm and comfy and I approved and so did Mom. And we found a really nice upholstered footstool that you can lift a lid for storage, so I think I am gonna get that too. But I’m obviously not getting it from the Winnipeg IKEA, so when I get back I am gonna order it from North York or Mississauga IKEA.

We are also planning on going to Glasgow and back with my Auntie Beth in September, so soon we are gonna get some tickets for our two week trip which includes a week in London England (I am only specifying because I have been to London Ontario so much). And also taking a detour to the Coronation Street set in Manchester. Which had a terror attack tonight, not the Coronation Street set but at an Ariana Grande concert. So, I think there was some other thing recently too, but we are determined to go and not let these attacks keep us from living our lives and seeing things we want to see in the world. I mean, we really have been in certain large cities within months and days of major attacks. Like we went to New York City in 2001 in April and of course the twin towers came down in September. And we left Paris just eleven days before the attack at Bataclan. There are lots of close calls. But I mean, things happen. And overwhelmingly things DON’T happen. So why stay home when you could be there on the many days nothing goes wrong? And also I live in the biggest city in Canada, probably someone wants to target it at some point. Canada is a pretty safe country, but you never know. Someday something worse than Maple Syrup thefts might happen. (Legit, there really are maple syrup theft issues in Canada)

I was actually in the airport heading back from the Awards when I got a notification on my phone about the Manchester attack. It was kind of awkward because I was with some people who wanted to talk about how amazing the last 24 hours was with the REVEAL awards, so I didn’t want to wreck it by being like “People died!” But when Mom and I got to the gate I told her, and I could hear people around us watching one of the first videos that came out of people running and screaming in the auditorium. I think the really sad part is I imagine Ariana Grande’s demographic is quite young girls and women. So I’m not looking forward to when we see who actually died. And targeting anyone, but especially teenagers, is so cruel. I’m getting pretty tired of these things happening.

To change the subject, I miss my dogs, they are at a kennel right now. I’m gonna see them tomorrow though, and I am looking forward to it. They will fly back home with me on Saturday. It’s weird sleeping in a bed without them. They are the best snuggly kids. And they help ground me and make me feel safe and happy. So not having them is hard.

Anyway, I should sleep! I’m truly exhausted! And I had a shitty sleep last night and woke up at 1am just to check in to Westjet because I had almost forgotten!

Today I did a talk at Gamma Space for a meetup put on by Akimbo and Charles Street Video. It seemed to go well. Jennie from Dames Making Games asked if I was still interested in taking my video game further, and I am, so she said I could drop in and have people help me with my coding. So I am going to once June is over and I have free time again. I’m so busy these days. But July marks the time when my schedule starts freeing up again.

I sent in Draft 2 of this outline to my story editor. I think the end is more interesting. Not sure it’s THERE yet, but closer I hope. I had to think about it a lot, but the end before was about 443 words, and now it’s about 1100 words or so. So it’s a big increase. And I think I feel more satisfied with how it ends.

Tomorrow I head off to my family in Saskatoon. With the dogs. I have a neighbour checking in on my plants. I went on a plant buying spree and got a few more to improve my living space. I am pretty happy with them. I hope I can keep them alive. I have kept the aloe plant alive for a year or so, so that’s a good sign.

I have some animating work to do next month, and finishing this OTHER video for a festival screening in June. So there’s still things to do.

I’m hoping to see some old friends this year, I am going to Vancouver in June and Montreal in August. Montreal is purely a hang out with friends trip. I want to see my friend Robin, and Irene, and Shavonne, and maybe someone else. Vancouver’s a work trip, but I am going to see some friends out there too. Like Lynn, and my ex Amber Dawn, and Stephanie. And probably other people. I also got one of those Canada 150 park passes, so I am hoping one of my friends and I can go drive to a national park and have a doggy adventure. Somewhere in there I am going to see Blondie and Garbage.

Oh god I am so tired. I had better go to bed. Tomorrow I have to clean and pack still. I’m debating on bringing or leaving my audio equipment. On one hand, it might be nice to record ambient prairie sounds. On the other hand I have some light fingered cousins who help themselves to my things, even ones costing hundreds of dollars.

It’s weird going home. I feel like my life is in Toronto, so it’s a big interruption to leave it behind. On the other hand, there is a REASON I am going there, for my Grandparent’s feast. And I already have plane tickets leaving from there to go to Winnipeg. So it makes sense.

I feel like there are things I want to talk about, but I’m either writing here or in my diary, and I’ve kind of said the same exact things in five consecutive diary entries. And I am no closer to an answer on it either. So like, I dunno, it’s not helping me work through that thing. What do you do when you can’t keep working through the same thing because you have no answers because it involves someone else? NOTHING! I have to move on I guess and try to think of other things in life.

I did some writing today, which I’m pretty happy with. I have two more days of writing then I am in a plane heading for Saskatoon and it’s really hard to write there. I’m gonna try though! My career depends on it. I find it helps if I put in headphones so no one can bother me.

The dogs are fine. We had a nice day, went for a walk and got drippy rain on us, Posey marched through her favourite puddle and Little Mister came with us. I dyed my hair last night and did my nails, which was a nice self care thing to do. I got hair dye on some clothes though which sucks. Even on my new bra! I’m sad about that, but also no one is gonna see it anyway.

I almost shut down my OKC this weekend. I feel pretty frustrated with online dating again. I know I should keep it around though because I did get a few dates out of it. I’m thinking of changing my wishy washy “I could do polyamory or monogamy” to “Looking for a monogamous relationship.” I could do poly, but do I have to??? I feel like the only reason I’ve done it all the time is because I didn’t have the self esteem to demand more from people. And is it really fair to do poly but not actually have more than one lover? Like, maybe I should just get one and that’s it, because I really only ever have been able to do one at a time. Once I had two lovers at once, but it’s because one girlfriend was an asshole. Ok that’s not true, I was gamely trying to be poly. But it kind of is true she was an asshole (not for the poly reason). I think I am just a big disappointment to the polyamorous lovers I have had in the past because I’m not romping around. And I’ve never been a big romping type. And why pretend? I don’t really care if they have other lovers, but I think THEY care that I DON’T have other lovers so maybe it’s a bad idea to keep going for the polyamorous types.

I sent what I thought was a cute message to a linguist on OKC, BUT I made a typo and only realized after I sent it. Then I followed that up with a ridiculous “I have already failed” message hoping she would see the humour in the situation. But she never messaged back! I really did fail!

Ahhh it’s so late and I’m sleepy and maybe it’s bedtime for me. Today I got some new plants and pots and repotted them all and they are super cute and I am loving having so many plants in my house. I have one big Aloe Vera, two baby Aloes in a smaller pot of their own, a young Jade plant, a Spider plant, and I potted a pink Gerbera daisy I got as a prop for my video a couple weeks ago. So much green! 🙂 So nice! I hope I can keep them all alive! My aloe vera has been doing pretty good. I got it after my last Jade plant died (it died because the pot it was in had no hole! :O It wasn’t draining and the roots rotted!).

Anyway, yes it’s bedtime.

I’m a lil stuck on my writing I need to do. I was so busy this past while, getting two videos done. Then the majority of this week was devoted to rewriting. But I’m stuck. I read some notes again, did a little more research, but there’s something holding me back from really going all out on the ending. It needs to be way more complicated and difficult and involve struggling much harder.

But instead I spent a while on Twitter reading about the appropriation prize some white journalists were fundraising for. It was very frustrating. Some ended up apologizing for it (it happened last night on twitter in prime time drunken hours) but it still shows what they think of Indigenous people. ESPECIALLY since they were all associated with most of the major media publications in Canada, including Macleans, CBC, The Globe and Mail, The National Post, The Walrus, and a bunch of others.

Depressing.

But something interesting came out of that. I read a response to the whole appropriation article from Joshua Whitehead entitled Notes on Indiginegativity: An Addendum which uses the word “Indigiqueer.” Which is super interesting because in 2004 I made that word up to title the Vancouver Queer Film Festival’s Indigenous/two-spirit program I had programmed. Except I spelled it “Indigequeer” (because Indigenous has an E after the G). But still I was like “OMFG did I finally coin a word?” I did a little google search and saw a prof in Calgary using the term “Indigiqueer Survivance” for a class. Oh my god did I finally do it? Did I make a word!? I think I used it because some LGBTQ Indigenous people don’t feel as comfortable with the two-spirit title because it implies some dual gender stuff, which some people just don’t feel describes their identity. I know a lot of people don’t ID with the Queer label either. But I liked the idea of Indigequeer. Because Queer is kind of a confrontational label, it’s one of those old reclamations that makes people uncomfortable. Indigenous isn’t a really confrontational label (although everything else about it is because we are all still all over the globe resisting) so putting the two together makes this word I really liked. I’m really fine with it being spelled with an i instead of an e. But since it’s out in the world it’s not really my word anymore. And to have it used in academia is fascinating to me. I have a masters, technically I’m an academic. But I never really felt like I was up on the academic lingo, sometimes reading academic stuff gives me a headache. But having a word I made up being used and talked about and maybe defined (although it’s a very self explanatory word) is so interesting to me.

So that was an amazing thing to find out. I think it’s still a very fledgling word. I’ve also noticed it is used as a hashtag a lot too.

Ha ha so I found out I coined a word 13 years ago, and today I am stuck on my important writing of my script outline I need to do. But I made a word 13 years ago! That should be all the writing I ever have to do! Ha ha just kidding. I think the enormity of making work about this story I am working on is weighing on me. I need to approach it a little differently. It’s fiction. It’s total fiction with some very true things referenced. I feel a responsibility to my community. But I also need to be able to feel open with writing about my community without needing to please EVERYONE. I feel the weight of positive representations, but life isn’t all positive. People are complex creatures and hurt each other and the couple in my story doesn’t have the greatest relationship. And anger can get out of control sometimes and consume you. And I think I better end this blog while I’m in a writing mood and go make some more notes to myself.

I ordered a burger that I’ve been craving for two weeks and I’m mildly satisfied. I mean it fed me, it was just more money with delivery and tip than I wanted to pay. :/ Next time I order food I’m getting a bunch of stuff.

ANYWAAAAAY! I am nearly done the super busy part of my life (for a while). I finished that 2 Spirit video last weekend, and yesterday almost finished a video that is due tomorrow. It needs some more visuals, the talking head stuff isn’t interesting on it’s own. I mean for sure all the audio is getting used, I just think maybe something to intercut to would be good. It’s also constrained to four minutes, so like, I’ve been SUPER brutal in my editing. Some funny stuff got ditched just because it didn’t fit. Some funny stuff stayed tho! But yeah, it needs SOMETHING and I only have a day to figure that out because I need to send it by Wetransfer tomorrow at the latest, and I also have a ticket to go see Phillis Nagy talk at TIFF Bell Lightbox about the process of writing Carol tomorrow night. So I’m busy! And Wetransfer might take a while to upload, it really depends.

Then the rest of the week I am writing, or rather, rewriting. Which is going to involve more problem solving of my storyline. I’m at this weird part of my script/project where I really need to push it because it’s horrific and talking about real things going on that are horrific. And I’m so nervous people aren’t going to like it, and that they’ll be SUPER offended and like “You AND your film belong in the trash!” And there are so many people out in the world who want to vet creative projects and art, and it’s really difficult because it’s (to me) a kind of censorship. And I mean if something sucks then yeah, you don’t have to program it/watch it/curate it, etc. But I kind of think the feeling in the Aboriginal art/film world that we have to get approval from elders/cultural gatekeepers/etc is hindering us. I think the community doesn’t need consensus for someone to make projects. Especially for people who are also on the margins of the Aboriginal community, like 2 Spirit artists/writers/etc.

But shit man, even I feel it sometimes. When I was an emerging video artist I made some pretty “edgy” (read homosexual sex) stuff and it definitely offended people, of all ages. And in fact one group of youth started talking about how Indigenous artists needed to start a censorship committee which was totally shocking to me. It flies in the face of contemporary art practice and activism from the last 100 years. But that thinking has kind of stuck around trying to find ways to assert itself in the guise of being honourable and traditional. Like we have to ask for permission now to express ourselves because we are owned by this community. And I can see why people talk about community accountability etc. etc. But I still think it can head in a really problematic way towards outright censorship. And censorship has historically been levied against queer/2 Spirit/trans/women/POC artists and writers. So I have issues with it, especially since I fit under all those (and other) marginal identities.

And especially since the Aboriginal community hasn’t always treated 2 Spirit people well, especially since residential school and Christian indoctrination that brought homophobia and transphobia into our communities. And fuck, pre-Columbian Indigenous art often had very explicit homosexual imagery and stories, so claiming it’s not traditional is not true.

But anyway. Yeah, so my story editor is being a really good sounding board for the work I am doing on this script. I think if I had to seek out community consensus on this project, it wouldn’t turn out for the best. I think it would get really watered down and palatable and so not me.

I never really thought about having to be brave just to write/make something before. I mean people have said some of my stuff is brave, but I never really felt it was, even the super personal stuff. But this project really makes me nervous. Like I’m stepping out of my lane. It deals with violence against Indigenous women, culturally specific phenomenon, vengeance, and just happens to have a rocky relationship between two queer women in the middle of it. It’s a lot to juggle and a lot to think about. And I’m writing from my own position as an Indigenous lesbian and still feel nervous! I think part of it is that people are always harping on about wanting “positive representations” and while I can see how those are needed, they also get boring really fast. Film is all about conflict, so a positive representation doesn’t go too far.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t have a real good answer for all of this. Except I am going to be writing most of this week and trying to stay brave and bold and fearless. Not sure if there’s a ceremony for that.

Saturday:
I’ve been shooting and editing all day! It’s great! I haven’t made a video since 2015, which is a while. But this has gone so well, I’m happy about it. I’ve been writing for so long that I haven’t been able to see an outcome in a couple years, like a finished product. I forgot how good it feels to create.

I did most of the shoot today. I just have one friend left to shoot tomorrow. I had two actors come by this afternoon, and this evening I did my scene, which involved a lot of talking and I had to memorize and repeat things, so it needed a lot of practice. But in the end I did it and got to edit the rest of the night. Synched up the sound and selected the good takes and did a rough edit. It’s making me laugh, which is good because this one is a comedy. I think I might even be done it tomorrow if I can stay on top of it. I’m running out of space on my Mac though, so I have to clear it up quick and probably store more things on my external hard drives. Because it’s an HD file and is gonna take up a lot of space. And already my FCPX is telling me it can’t keep going with things the way they are! My poor computer!

Sunday:
So my computer made me stop and dump stuff, and I got rid of about 60GB worth of files, I think most of it was in my trash bin anyway. I shot my last actor today and went on an editing spree and got my video done! There’s two things I wish I could have improved, but were like, not gonna be fixable. BUT overall I am pretty happy with it, and I think it’s gonna have a decent life out in the world. It’s gonna show at Queer Arts Festival in Adrian’s show Unsettled, so that’s cool. I tried to be a sexy butch NDN lavalife lady, but I wasn’t as sultry as the lavalife woman.

The dogs and I are fine. Little Mister loved all the visitors this weekend. Posey was a grump so I put her in her kennel in the bathtub (no water!!) and she was fine. I submitted my new video to two festivals already, ImagineNATIVE and the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. So we’ll see! I’m gonna look around for other festivals to submit to. I guess. AHhh god tho I hate submission fees. Maybe I’ll look for fests with no fees. I think they are a rip off anyway.

I’m exhausted. I have to get up early and take equipment back (which means carrying this SUPER FUCKING HEAVY light kit to the curb) and then go help at a BLMTO Freedom Day event (set up/take down) in the afternoon. I should get to sleep soon but I redid my sound on my video and am waiting for the new version to finish uploading and replace my older version (like hours older). It’s got 18 minutes left to go!

I’m gonna enjoy sleeping. Tomorrow evening I am staying home and watching queer film submissions. We are making some final decisions on the festival on Saturday, so I need to catch up.

Also later this week we are shooting ANOTHER video, which I think will be funny. We are just using cameras on our phones. So it will be a bit easier I hope.

I have nothing else to write! My arms hurt! I got my TAC final report in this evening though, so HURRAH for that!