I ordered a burger that I’ve been craving for two weeks and I’m mildly satisfied. I mean it fed me, it was just more money with delivery and tip than I wanted to pay. :/ Next time I order food I’m getting a bunch of stuff.

ANYWAAAAAY! I am nearly done the super busy part of my life (for a while). I finished that 2 Spirit video last weekend, and yesterday almost finished a video that is due tomorrow. It needs some more visuals, the talking head stuff isn’t interesting on it’s own. I mean for sure all the audio is getting used, I just think maybe something to intercut to would be good. It’s also constrained to four minutes, so like, I’ve been SUPER brutal in my editing. Some funny stuff got ditched just because it didn’t fit. Some funny stuff stayed tho! But yeah, it needs SOMETHING and I only have a day to figure that out because I need to send it by Wetransfer tomorrow at the latest, and I also have a ticket to go see Phillis Nagy talk at TIFF Bell Lightbox about the process of writing Carol tomorrow night. So I’m busy! And Wetransfer might take a while to upload, it really depends.

Then the rest of the week I am writing, or rather, rewriting. Which is going to involve more problem solving of my storyline. I’m at this weird part of my script/project where I really need to push it because it’s horrific and talking about real things going on that are horrific. And I’m so nervous people aren’t going to like it, and that they’ll be SUPER offended and like “You AND your film belong in the trash!” And there are so many people out in the world who want to vet creative projects and art, and it’s really difficult because it’s (to me) a kind of censorship. And I mean if something sucks then yeah, you don’t have to program it/watch it/curate it, etc. But I kind of think the feeling in the Aboriginal art/film world that we have to get approval from elders/cultural gatekeepers/etc is hindering us. I think the community doesn’t need consensus for someone to make projects. Especially for people who are also on the margins of the Aboriginal community, like 2 Spirit artists/writers/etc.

But shit man, even I feel it sometimes. When I was an emerging video artist I made some pretty “edgy” (read homosexual sex) stuff and it definitely offended people, of all ages. And in fact one group of youth started talking about how Indigenous artists needed to start a censorship committee which was totally shocking to me. It flies in the face of contemporary art practice and activism from the last 100 years. But that thinking has kind of stuck around trying to find ways to assert itself in the guise of being honourable and traditional. Like we have to ask for permission now to express ourselves because we are owned by this community. And I can see why people talk about community accountability etc. etc. But I still think it can head in a really problematic way towards outright censorship. And censorship has historically been levied against queer/2 Spirit/trans/women/POC artists and writers. So I have issues with it, especially since I fit under all those (and other) marginal identities.

And especially since the Aboriginal community hasn’t always treated 2 Spirit people well, especially since residential school and Christian indoctrination that brought homophobia and transphobia into our communities. And fuck, pre-Columbian Indigenous art often had very explicit homosexual imagery and stories, so claiming it’s not traditional is not true.

But anyway. Yeah, so my story editor is being a really good sounding board for the work I am doing on this script. I think if I had to seek out community consensus on this project, it wouldn’t turn out for the best. I think it would get really watered down and palatable and so not me.

I never really thought about having to be brave just to write/make something before. I mean people have said some of my stuff is brave, but I never really felt it was, even the super personal stuff. But this project really makes me nervous. Like I’m stepping out of my lane. It deals with violence against Indigenous women, culturally specific phenomenon, vengeance, and just happens to have a rocky relationship between two queer women in the middle of it. It’s a lot to juggle and a lot to think about. And I’m writing from my own position as an Indigenous lesbian and still feel nervous! I think part of it is that people are always harping on about wanting “positive representations” and while I can see how those are needed, they also get boring really fast. Film is all about conflict, so a positive representation doesn’t go too far.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t have a real good answer for all of this. Except I am going to be writing most of this week and trying to stay brave and bold and fearless. Not sure if there’s a ceremony for that.

Saturday:
I’ve been shooting and editing all day! It’s great! I haven’t made a video since 2015, which is a while. But this has gone so well, I’m happy about it. I’ve been writing for so long that I haven’t been able to see an outcome in a couple years, like a finished product. I forgot how good it feels to create.

I did most of the shoot today. I just have one friend left to shoot tomorrow. I had two actors come by this afternoon, and this evening I did my scene, which involved a lot of talking and I had to memorize and repeat things, so it needed a lot of practice. But in the end I did it and got to edit the rest of the night. Synched up the sound and selected the good takes and did a rough edit. It’s making me laugh, which is good because this one is a comedy. I think I might even be done it tomorrow if I can stay on top of it. I’m running out of space on my Mac though, so I have to clear it up quick and probably store more things on my external hard drives. Because it’s an HD file and is gonna take up a lot of space. And already my FCPX is telling me it can’t keep going with things the way they are! My poor computer!

Sunday:
So my computer made me stop and dump stuff, and I got rid of about 60GB worth of files, I think most of it was in my trash bin anyway. I shot my last actor today and went on an editing spree and got my video done! There’s two things I wish I could have improved, but were like, not gonna be fixable. BUT overall I am pretty happy with it, and I think it’s gonna have a decent life out in the world. It’s gonna show at Queer Arts Festival in Adrian’s show Unsettled, so that’s cool. I tried to be a sexy butch NDN lavalife lady, but I wasn’t as sultry as the lavalife woman.

The dogs and I are fine. Little Mister loved all the visitors this weekend. Posey was a grump so I put her in her kennel in the bathtub (no water!!) and she was fine. I submitted my new video to two festivals already, ImagineNATIVE and the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. So we’ll see! I’m gonna look around for other festivals to submit to. I guess. AHhh god tho I hate submission fees. Maybe I’ll look for fests with no fees. I think they are a rip off anyway.

I’m exhausted. I have to get up early and take equipment back (which means carrying this SUPER FUCKING HEAVY light kit to the curb) and then go help at a BLMTO Freedom Day event (set up/take down) in the afternoon. I should get to sleep soon but I redid my sound on my video and am waiting for the new version to finish uploading and replace my older version (like hours older). It’s got 18 minutes left to go!

I’m gonna enjoy sleeping. Tomorrow evening I am staying home and watching queer film submissions. We are making some final decisions on the festival on Saturday, so I need to catch up.

Also later this week we are shooting ANOTHER video, which I think will be funny. We are just using cameras on our phones. So it will be a bit easier I hope.

I have nothing else to write! My arms hurt! I got my TAC final report in this evening though, so HURRAH for that!

So being a “public figure” (as a longstanding queer filmmaker) I sometimes do vanity google searches to see what’s popping up these days. Someone said I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder, in a book, and that is factually incorrect. I am definitely bipolar. And that’s ok! Anyway, I did go through a rebellious antipsychiatry phase in 2007 or whatever so maybe it’s from that. ALSO I found a page for myself on Celebrity Net Worth which said my Net Worth was “under review” and used some info from I assume my IMDB page to say what I am famous for. Lez just put this to bed right now, my net worth is very small. I have almost $6000 in my bank account right now because it’s for a commissioned video and definitely not the kind of dollars I normally have in the bank. But I definitely have not made my first million yet. And I don’t foresee that happening even if my feature is a hit. So stop speculating!

And yet I am priceless!

Anyway, today was funny. OH but I guess I should talk about my actual birthday. It was great! I went to Marty’s and they made me a cake and we had pizza with friends and they gave me a tarot reading about my love life ahead and it ended with The Seer which in their deck is equivalent to the High Priestess. So that was cool, if a lil mysterious. I also got a two of cups for the opposing forces, and some other cups, like I think the nine of cups? And I got the magician for the first position. It was a very sweet reading. And I got to tell them a funny story from ages ago when I was younger.

Today I got some equipment from Charles Street Video for my shoot this weekend. Tomorrow afternoon I shoot a date/phone call/looking out the window scene. Tomorrow night I am lounging on my bed saying my monologue, and Sunday afternoon Elwood comes over for the last scene which is him looking at something on a laptop and talking to the camera on the couch. Short scenes! I am hoping to get it edited together tomorrow night or Monday and send it on to the places it needs to go!

I had therapy today, which was mostly me talking about past relationship patterns and also how much work I have to do. I swear, the past year and a bit every therapy appointment is me going “OMG I have so much I need to do it’s overwhelming!” I get through it, it’s just relentless tho. And the relationship pattern is something I need to look at more. Like I’ve been in some weird non-relationships the last ten years involving making out all the time and/or fucking and emotional connection and sometimes sleeping in the same bed a lot and all kinds of weird things, BUT nothing where we are like “Let’s change our relationship status on Facebook” or even “This is my girlfriend Thirza.” Like it’s been a lot of weirdness that left me feeling pretty devalued actually. And to have that happen for three relationships in a row is kind of weird man. I think I’m going to try and be more upfront with what I want and walk away if it’s not enough. I’ve been in a strange position of trying to make things work when they should have just been ended so I could have more dignity. So I’m trying to do that.

Yesterday I had a date, which was kind of fun, but mostly just a reason to go meet someone from OKC. She wasn’t really into me, which was okay. After I went for dinner with my friend Lisa and found out she used to know of someone I know from our distant pasts and that was a pretty funny conversation.

I got this dog camera called Furbo from my Mom for my birthday and it’s been SO HANDY! I can check on the dogs from my phone. They mostly lay around. Nothing too crazy. I get alerts when they are barking, which is nice, and then I can throw treats at them. Honestly it’s the best thing I’ve had in ages!

Anyway, I should go do some tidying and stuff. I have an opening to go to for my Auntie Lori at the Ryerson Image Centre tonight, so I gotta go do that. Also I am supposed to watch all these films by next Thursday. SO MUCH WORK! It’s cool though, I like being busy.

It’s Birthday Week! I am turning 39 on Wednesday. I am ancient! Ha ha no it’s cool, I like being older. I went with my friends Riki and Matty to High Park today to see the cherry blossoms, which were beautiful, and a stroll through High Park Zoo to try and find the capybara babies, but the capybaras were sleeping in their little house and we couldn’t see any of them. I was like “But it’s my birthday!” But that means nothing to a capybara.

Then we had Thai food and talked about tops and bottoms and switches and versatile folks and how there are a lot of bottoms compared to tops etc. etc. It was fun.

This evening I talked to my best friend Robin and that was nice, I’m hoping to see her this summer. ROBIN! 🙂

Tomorrow is a quieter day and I only have one thing to do, so I am going to try and finally do my laundry and also clean the apartment. I have a video shoot on the weekend so I need to get this place in order. I’m finally shooting the 2 Spirit video and it’s taken a long time to get off the ground. BUT NOW all is in place and it can happen.

I’m having a good week so far! Wednesday I go to a friends for family dinner, and Thursday I have a coffee date and also a dinner date (but the dinner date is with a friend not a romantic date). Friday I am doing therapy and picking up my equipment. Weekend is shooting shooting shooting. Then editing on Monday and sending in that video. That week is going to be more shooting for another video. Then I’m done that on May 8th and have to do some more shooting for ANOTHER video, but it’s an experimental one so I can do it more on my own.

WORK! Also I finally sent my outline off to the story editor/consultant and am awaiting notes on it.

But my personal life is pretty fulfilling these days. I’m having quality times with friends and doing more things and getting out and stuff. I went to a book launch on Saturday and I swear I got cruised by some cuties so that was fun. I like spring and how flirty people get. Like everyone is kind of frisky and single people get hopeful again and people are wearing less clothes and being super cute. And it’s just really nice, because sometimes the winter is grim. I mean I still had dates this winter, but there wasn’t that sense all over the place of people looking for people to kiss like there is right now.

I had a dream about someone I had a massive crush on when I was like, 19-20. I had two dreams actually. It was kind of funny because I hadn’t thought about her in a while, the last time I got in touch with her I was living in Saskatoon and far away from anyone. So I don’t know, I sent an email, because I’m curious and follow my stupid dreams ha ha ha! She’s probably gay married by now anyway. Or thinking I am very weird and still too young. BUT I’m turning 39!!! It totally isn’t a thing anymore. But probably she’s not going to email me back anyway.

Follow your dreams!

So it has been 3 years since I got an ablation for a whole bunch of reasons. A lot had to do with how brutal my periods were from having fibroids. Part of it was because I never really liked having a period because of the pain and mess and waking up in a bloody puddle. But also part of it probably had to do with my whatever gender thing I have going on. I don’t really think it’s like, so simple as “men don’t have periods and women do” but it feels a little less strange for me not to bleed. I never felt like I was super empowered or anything by bleeding on strangers sheets or having to buy black sheets. I finally figured out how to get blood out of my sheets when I started researching ablations and talking with my doctors about getting one. I had a couple of years on birth control to try and improve the situation, but honestly it did nothing but make me depressed and have a low libido.

SO anyway, three years and a few months ago I got an ablation, and life has been pretty sweet since. I was lucky in that I have so far never had a period again. Like, never. Sometimes I feel a little weird about it, like having exited from the exclusive club of vagina bleeders. BUT my other option was a hysterectomy and that was too extreme for me and I’m trying to hang on to it for Reasons. Not baby having reasons, more the fact that all kinds of things can change after a hysterectomy. Like your orgasms can change a bit and the bladder sits differently and you can have incontinence. Things like that. SO I know it still might happen, but right now it’s all good.

I think I could possibly really disappoint someone only if they were very into menstrual sex and we were trying to date. But it’s never come up. I honestly wish I could recommend more women and trans folks get them who hate their periods, but not every ablation is as successful as mine, and some people want babies from their own uterus, and also some people don’t have the insurance to get a surgery procedure that costs a few thousand dollars. Even here in Canada. Although it is covered for Canadians with health cards. Also I just feel weird being like “have an ablation they are great!” because periods are so maligned in our patriarchal culture and it seems slightly shitty to say “I hated having periods they suck I’m so glad I don’t have them anymore.” Even tho that is my feelings about my body and the way my periods were.

I think the biggest difficulty is that doctors are very against taking away women’s abilities to have successful pregnancies. Technically I could get pregnant, but it would be a REALLY bad idea and the fetus wouldn’t survive and I would have an emergency. So no babies for me! Last year when I got baby-wanting feelings I admit I sort of regretted it. But then more recently I was like “WAIT A MINUTE! I don’t ever want to be pregnant! I never wanted to be pregnant!” So now I feel fine about it again.

Anyway, to sum up, cancelling my monthly subscription was the best thing I did. Two thumbs up. No ragrets.

Soooo ha ha, I thought maybe I should go back to talking about my work for a while since I won that award and I know sometimes people use this site for my publicity. Well, I am doing a lot of writing, a lot of video viewing, a lot of plotting my next three video shoots. I have to shoot a phone camera based video this month, and near the end of the month/next weekend shoot my 2 Spirit video. I need to find two more actresses tho. And maybe someone to press the camera button. I have my video about being light skinned to shoot in May to try and get it done for June. There is no try only do! Also I am collaborating with my Mom on a stop motion animation of some of her beaded microbes for a residency/show in June in Ottawa. So that will be interesting.

It’s kind of funny but good that all this work is piled on right now, along with my main job of writing my script. Because I know there’s going to be this lull after June when I am all done and can relax and that is something I am really looking forward to. Plus then I can focus on submitting all this work to other festivals, and probably working on some more grants for MORE work to do.

I didn’t get welfare this past month because I didn’t need it, which was nice. I won’t get it again next month because I still don’t need it. Having an income is really nice, even though it is patchy. Next week a big cheque is supposed to come to help me make one of these videos. That’s cool!

Today I mostly cleaned my house, but like, a deep spring cleaning clean. I got rid of some clutter and washed places that haven’t been washed in months. Took out so much recycling and garbage. It was such a beautiful day today. Tomorrow I’m going to a friend’s for roast beef.

I did some window shopping for equipment to buy, like a new Macbook Pro and a Zoom recorder and I even looked at an iPhone 7 but geezus it’s a lot of money. :/ On the other hand I need a new phone. But that is a lot of money! I know my current phone is gonna be obsolete soon. And the battery is dying faster these days. I would probably love my phone when I got it. But I might put it off a while still. I did figure out I need to buy it outright because the plan I am on would not be offered if I signed up for a term to get a discount. Like, it would be more money and every month I would have to pay it and I’m worried during a lean time I would get my phone cut off. It’s way pricier than what I pay now and for less options. I guess it’s good to research.

I’m aware the last three posts I have written have had some heavy stuff in them. I’m not exactly sure why this is going on now, but I seem to be working through some stuff. It’s been a while since I had some pain to work out. And it’s a little bit confusing to me, because I’ve been doing really well even with getting rejected the other day. Actually, that is probably why it is coming up, because I’m in a safe enough position to work through some old stuff I had forgotten about. It’s very difficult and makes me sad and I had this long habit of just kind of stuffing down feelings and not feeling them. And now I think I need to face up to it.

I made a 56 song playlist on my iTunes of broken hearted songs, just sad stuff to listen to so I can really be present in these feelings. It’s funny because it’s not even like I am going through a break up, but I think it might help resolve some overall sad feelings.

Like I have a lot of grief for my grandparents dying. We were very close. They did a lot of childcare for my single mom when we were growing up, so they were often around. And Grandpa was like, my Dad really. He was the loving patriarch in my life. I called a tattoo parlour today to finally make an appointment with a tattoo artist whose style I like. I’m ready to get my memorial tattoo for them. It’s going to be a canoe on a rippling lake against the silhouette of the boreal forest. An empty canoe. They met in La Ronge, which is in Northern Saskatchewan right in the boreal forest, and canoeing is something they did a lot of. I’m getting it on my upper back, which seems like the right place even tho I won’t be able to see it.

I guess I also have some downer feelings about being single for so long and not being very good at dating. Like, I just don’t get it. I think my personality isn’t very sparkling for first dates, like I am just kind of shy naturally. And it’s not always like that, when I get to know people I come out of my shell and can make some good jokes and be cute. But dating these days is so weird. Like, I don’t get tinder. I have only gotten two matches on there, and one was just a friend who wanted to say hi. I did meet two people from OKCupid this year, but neither of those worked out and one of them ghosted me which was really disappointing, especially since she was a cute top and I liked her. I guess it’s better because I actually went on actual dates and not just hanging out with friends I had massive crushes on and confessing and losing a friendship.

My dating history has been weird. Mostly disappointing. And a lot of “things” that were not easily classified as being girlfriends, even if we were fucking/talking everyday/being emotionally intimate. I was in a lot of polyamorous relationships and there would be tension because I wasn’t as great at getting other lovers as they were. So there was a lot of pressure for me to keep finding people to sleep with, and really I would be content just focusing on one person. Now I am trying to shift my focus to finding a monogamous dominant woman, but fuck that seems really hard to find. I kind of understand why so many bisexual women end up with straight cis men, there are just more of them and they are easier to find. I’m looking for someone whose queer and a woman and kinky in specific ways and within a particular age range and with certain qualities like gentleness and kindness and intelligence and humour and within a particular geographical area and attractive to me. It seems like a lot of intersecting demographics have to occur, and not only that, BUT they also have to be attracted to me and looking for all the things I have to offer.

I guess I’m happier that I am in a bigger city where there is a bigger pool to draw from. But it still seems really difficult. And internet dating is just hard, it’s hard to tell if there will be chemistry based on a profile and picture.

I wish I had cake.

The problem with my disappointing dating history is that I never got a girlfriend who was serious enough about me that I could bring them home to meet my family. I always wanted to someday. When my first girlfriend Ivana and I were dating, I had all these daydreams that they could come home with me for Christmas and meet my family, but of course it never happened, and the rest of them didn’t meet anyone either. And as my Grandparents got older and older I wanted them to at least meet one person who was deeply in love with me. But no one was deeply in love with me. And now they are dead. And I mean yeah someone could still fall deeply in love with me, but they can’t meet my Grandparents now because it’s too late. Which is sort of painful to think about. It’s a lot of unresolved grief about a lot of things.

I had a psychic tell me I would end up in a serious really good loving relationship that would last the rest of my life. But it’s a ways off apparently. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how much more I can improve myself before someone will find me loveable. I feel like I’m doing everything I want to do. I have a career. I have housing. I’m in a good spot. I have my routine where I can keep my house clean more regularly. I don’t do drugs or alcohol anymore. I love my dogs. It might not even be me, it’s probably just that I haven’t met the right person yet.

So I guess now it can be told that I won a REVEAL Indigenous Art Award from the Hnatyshyn Foundation. Which is $10,000 that I really needed, mostly because I need a new Macbook Pro that can be a workhorse for the next few years and help me make more art. Also Mom and I want to go to the UK for a vacation, because we want to see London and Scotland and Mom wants to go see the Coronation Street set. Plus it has been a long time since our last epic vacation.

So that’s exciting! I’m looking forward to meeting some of the other winners in Winnipeg, in particular people I have been long time fans of, and also old friends.

Also yesterday I finally saw PJ Harvey, which was awesome and I love her and I got to be in a big room with her. She’s an interesting live performer though because she doesn’t do much of any patter, like she is just there to sing the songs. She also introduced the band. But it was mainly song after song and no anecdotes or anything. And she didn’t sing my favourite song. Still good tho.

But then I got home and this person I have been spending time with told me we weren’t going further in a romantic/feelings/sexy sense. SO that was disappointing. And it has been a long time since I got rejected. Ha ha okay not that long. Like I got rejected last year too. And the year before that. And I am losing track of what happened before that. I do know that a few years ago on this day I unfriended my last actual lover because they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean, we were TECHNICALLY friends, just that I was on her restricted profile list for two years and I didn’t see anything changing about that. SAD! Ha ha shit anyway that popped up on my FB memories. Thanks, FB memories. That was a great memory. And I was trying NOT to talk about dating on here, but I feel like I may as well make a note of it. Because dating is brutal. ALSO because if fucking Carrie Bradshaw can write eloquent missives on Mr. Big why can’t I? Ha ha ha. OK but I still have a sense of privacy about dating. But I feel fine with letting you know I am sad and disappointed and disheartened because now I am in the position of needing to go out and find more first dates and facccccccckkkkk. I am such a shy guy and really it takes a while for me to open up to someone and it doesn’t go over well for like, making big showy impressions right off the bat. Like I could be totally fun and sexy, but you’re not going to know that if I’m nervous about showing what a big tender weirdo I am when I meet you. Socially anxious introvert dating sucks the big one.

There’s nothing wrong with being rejected though. I mean, of all the things to happen it’s really not the worst. I think the worst would be ending up in an abusive relationship and not knowing how to get out. Like once I was in an abusive relationship, and I remember I was at her house calling a friend to see if she wanted to hang out with us, and my girlfriend just GRABBED the phone out of my hand while I was talking to my friend and started talking to her herself. And I remember I felt SO WEIRDED OUT and I knew then something was wrong. And even later my friend who I had been talking to was like “That was really weird Thirza.” See that is bad! Being told it’s not going anywhere isn’t so awful. Not that the person who recently rejected me was a bad person, just that I can always think of ways things could be worse ha ha.

Anyway enough of that. Still waiting for this mean email about what a horrible person I am from another “friend” who needs to process about how angry they are that I set a boundary last month for three days when they kept posting inappropriate comments on a post of mine. Ahh shit! I hate interpersonal stuff.

The dogs are fine. I am fine. It’s my birthday soonish, so that’s kind of exciting. I will be 39. Which is a funny year because it’s the year everyone lies about when they are ashamed of being old. “I’m turning 39 ha ha ha!” No really, I am turning 39, and good riddance, I’ll be happy when I turn 40 next year and leave the 30’s behind. Next month is the awards ceremony where I get my cheque and can finally order my custom macbook.

Anyway, it’s Good Friday which is a holiday, except I need to work on my writing. So now that I wrote all this stuff I feel like I can turn to that.

So, probably until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on all kinds of psych meds at 24-25 I was mostly small. Like, not fat. Maybe a pudgy tummy but not as big as I got. I was a skinny kid, an average teen. And then with the meds, even though I was actually broke and starving, I gained a whole bunch of weight. And it’s shifted over the years, it’s gone up and down but never like, making me skinny again. And the ovarian cyst made me even bigger for a few years, because when it was removed it was the size of a grapefruit. I remember when my weight first changed I had a really hard time adjusting to it. I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about internalized fatphobia and fat politics and things. And I had a hard time finding myself desirable, plus I was dealing with an STI around that time, so my sex life took a major dive for a while. And I am about 38 now, going to turn 39 in a couple of weeks. So it’s been almost half my life being a bigger woman.
But since the surgery to remove my cyst, AND the Vyvanse I’ve been taking, I am losing weight. And I have to say I have mixed feelings on this. AND I have also been really hesitant to talk about it because people in general are so fatphobic and fat stigmatizing that I don’t want them to start like, giving unsolicited diet advice and gym advice and shit and congratulating me when I don’t find this any kind of accomplishment. But I want to talk about it. But I don’t know how.
Part of me is kind of grieving my old body, the big chubby body I have had for so long. I ended up really liking it, and I was finding myself being drawn to other women who were also bigger and chubby/fatter. Fatty on fatty sex is pretty cute and hot. But now I am wondering if I am going to be smaller and not as appealing to other chubby women. Also there’s a certain amount of brute strength you get just naturally from moving through the world with a lot of weight. And I am wondering if I am going to lose that. I have a lot of questions.
But part of me also sort of likes the idea of my body going back towards what it was like when I was younger. I mean I am all stretch marks and soft belly, but I would be smaller and I am wondering how that would change my life and how I go through the world. I always had a hard time with how much space I took up, this is a problematic thing though, because I think it’s deeply gendered and men aren’t as cognizant of needing to be small as women are. But part of me likes having more room in an airplane seat. I still don’t quite fit in a train seat, I mean the tray pushes my belly in when it’s down. Dimensions. It’s a little easier to go through a crowd.
My attractions are still pretty open though. I like people of all sizes, but fatties are still really appealing. And I hate to say it but when I was young and skinny before gaining my weight, I was not very open to diverse bodies. Which is shitty and shallow. But it’s not a mindset I have anymore. Weight is fucking complicated yo!
I don’t think I’m going to stop being attracted to diverse body sizes even when I lose weight. I’ve really just started taking Vyvanse, it’s only been a couple of months. So I don’t know how small I will get. And who knows, if I get off Vyvanse I might get big again. Anything could happen. I’m not really tied to any particular outcome in terms of my final form (ha ha!) except I think it’s not ever going to stay static for the rest of my life.
Having to buy new pants is a drag. I guess I should be glad my Mom talked me out of getting leather pants no matter how sexy they are.
The funny thing of course is that I am still fat, small-fat, but def not a skinny lady. So I don’t really know if I will make it to slenderland and shopping in “regular” clothing stores and not the plus size ones. But the nice thing is that I don’t see that as my goal. Really, all I want is to be mentally well, whatever size my body takes when I get there.
Another reason I have a hard time talking about this is because it brings up complicated feelings for other people, fat people, people with eating disorders, all kinds of people. I don’t want people to think I am going to start celebrating weight loss and becoming obnoxious and a jerk. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight” without people reacting to that in a celebratory way. It’s hard to say “I think I am losing weight and I am missing my old body” without people reacting in all kinds of weird ways. Mostly I don’t want other fat people to feel shitty because I am talking about my size shifting. I think celebrating fat bodies is important and revolutionary, and it is weird for me politically to see my body downsizing to something more normative.
I have mixed feelings.

Today was the first really warm day where you didn’t need a jacket. It was nice! I walked Posey but Little Mister wouldn’t come with us. Then when we came back he was barking because he was mad we left him behind. But he went and hid when I was getting us ready so it’s his own fault!
I got Posey a tuggy toy rope snake. But she doesn’t get it. She likes tugging on her leash at the beginning of our walks. But cannot move that urge over to tugging on her rope snake. I’ve been waving it around and stuff but she doesn’t get it.
The workshops this past weekend went well, and Posey and Mister did good at the dog sitters. Lil pups!
I’m really hot fuck it is so hot!
Anyway, I am sad because people are jerks. Vagueblogging. Vague jerks I know.
And I am expecting someone to write me the second long email about what a horrible person I am in less than two months. Like, really? AGAIN? Fuck. I don’t know why people do that. And it all started with me needing to set a boundary and I wasn’t even mad I just recognized she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to engage, and temporarily restricted her from my fb. For like, three days. Anyway, now everything is all fucked up and weird and I’m expecting some massively mean email where she pulls some cheap shots like the last email. What a drag. And then I have to make it better by accepting my role in her life as an emotional punching bag, and it’s really frustrating and tiresome. And like, to what ends? Why does this keep happening? Why do I have to make all the concessions and accept all this pain and be willing to be shit on to maintain this relationship? It’s difficult. And it’s like that with a couple of other people, but more so with this one. It makes me want to throw in the towel, to be honest, because it’s difficult having someone make you feel bad over and over and you can’t fight back. So mean. So that’s making me sad. And there’s some level of insanity all wrapped up in there, and that’s probably why I’ve been more lenient, but it’s hard.
Ahhh and some other stuff isn’t really working for me right now, some interpersonal stuff with some other people. So I just kind of feel shitty all around. I think I need to move more towards good things and let go of things that make me feel bad. Like I hate chasing people, I hate having to let people emotionally pummel me, I hate watching people say hurtful things towards me and always letting it slide instead of calling them on it, I hate feeling disregarded and disrespected and always feeling like my role is the peacemaker. I think because of ways I was raised I accept a lot of abusive behaviour because I can’t pin it down as abuse as easily as if they like, punched me in the face. And I need to move beyond that and remember setting a boundary is a GOOD thing and not a bad thing and doesn’t make me evil even if it pisses someone off. Like I was so frustrated with my alcoholic cousin disrupting my life and using my Mom and it made me really angry and then a lot of the family was angry AT ME for talking about it. Because it’s not a problem if no one is saying it’s a major problem. Only talking about it makes it a problem. Only *I* am the problem for having a blog/facebook/mouth that talks about how shitty and abusive it is to live with an alcoholic who jokes about killing my dogs. Not that my cousin is the problem. AHHHHHH it’s so frustrating. Families with addictions thrive on secrets. And any disruption of that secrecy is a big betrayal of the family unit. And even family members who do not have addictions are involved in the other family member’s addictions because of codependency and enabling and stuff. And that situation is over now, not the addiction, but the cohabitation and stuff. But there’s always this feeling that it COULD happen again. I wouldn’t be there, but I would have to hear the screaming on the phone and the stories about parties in the house and stuff, and stealing the car, etc etc. And I would have to start taking my wallet to bed with me again if I stayed over, and watching my dogs like a hawk, etc. Stressful!
Ha and I am only in that house 2-4 times a year now.
But geez what a messed up life.
And the thing is my life isn’t even that messed up right now. I’ve got work that is bringing in money doing what I love. I am involved in my communities. I have a handful of good friends and people I can rely on. My dogs are doing great. My housing is stable and nice and HEALTHY. There are lots of things to do. I’m basically healthy and doing well.
I guess I am just thinking about abusive dynamics I have been in because I had a conversation with my best friend today about it, about childhood histories we had that were similar, about ongoing stuff. It’s very frustrating. And it makes me vulnerable to getting into the same dynamics in other relationships. Like I’ve never been beaten by a friend/lover/parent, but I have been physically injured by a lover. I’ve been emotionally abused the most. And it makes me wary. It makes me not as trusting I think. And then sometimes I do trust someone and they start crossing the line, but I let them get away with it until it is building up and getting too much. And one of the most common abusive things that happened to me were silent treatments, and that’s something that has been recreated a lot in my life with other people, like withdrawing, or withholding, or ignoring me, etc. And most healthy people would (and should) say “Fuck this!” and go on with their life without that person. But I kind of hang around trying to make it work, because I remember times in my life where there was no other option but to try and mend things with someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge I was in the room. AhhhhhhhhhH! So painful.
I always promised myself I would never do that to my kids. And so far I haven’t had kids, but I have always talked to the dogs. So I am practicing at always being loving and never withholding. Even if it’s just with dogs. Even if I haven’t had a girlfriend in ten years. At least I am trying. But I also don’t want to keep putting myself in vulnerable positions with someone who has contempt for me, even if they are just a friend. Even then.