It’s 2017! I made it through 2016!

Christmas was good, Mom and I have been doing some shopping, mostly for beads, went to a couple of movies. Tomorrow we are going to Aquasize because it’s one of my new years resolutions (and fun) and also because Mom likes it. Also more bead shopping.

I am trying to picture my life improving this year, and what I need to do to make it happen. I talked to my psychotherapist on Friday about the undiagnosed ADHD and she thought I should go to my doctor and get screened for it, and possibly for appropriate treatment get referred to a psychiatrist who can figure out how to medicate me while also not fucking up the bipolar stuff I deal with. So I guess I’ll do that, probably end up on a long waiting list, but I think I can handle it.

I also want to learn a useful yet frivolous skill, so I’m going to do dance lessons at some point this year. I’ve been really shy about dancing for a long time, and I used to be good at it. And part of it is that I’ll try to dance and people (usually family members) make fun of me so I go sit down again. Which is honestly really shitty and I just shouldn’t dance around them. BUT also it might be a good way to meet people and it’s a fun thing to do and I can’t talk at clubs or parties anyway when there is loud music so it would give me something to do.

And another thing I want to do for my resolution is to properly recycle and compost. I’ve been really shitty at it, and I know I could do way better, AND it would be good for the environment/my conscience.

Some things I want to do this year (but aren’t official resolutions) are getting more dates (even one would be more, really!), getting trained for a decent paying part time casual job I could do between contracts and grants, learning how to socialize within groups more (not Toastmasters because that’s public speaking which I am fine at, but conversing with strangers really so I can network), and helping my dogs lose weight by walking them more (and feeding them less). We do walk once a day, but if it was twice it would be a lot better for them, and me.

My New Year Tarot spread I did today said this year would be a lot about my career and money and overall about a cycle ending. But also it said I should concentrate on relationships, in particular romantic relationships, and accepting love. Which seems really hard when I have no actual potential dates. But that was LAST year and this is THIS year. And I haven’t even left the house today, so I can’t really say there’s no hope when it’s been one day in and I’ve spent it cooking with Mom.

AHHHHHH and there is someone I like but it’s not ever EVER going to go anywhere. It’s too bad we could be really cute together because we are so compatible otherwise. She’s just not into me THAT way. It’s hard to get new crushes when you keep going back to the same old hopeless crush. It’s like having a sore in your mouth and poking it with your tongue so much that it doesn’t heal. But the good news is that it is a thing that has gone dormant for years on end in the past. So that’s some kind of grim hope.

I feel like there are other things I want to do this year. OH one other thing I wanted to do is actually learn Ukulele because it’s just SITTING here gathering dust and I really did want to experiment with being musical, even in a geeky nerdy way! This was actually last year’s resolution that failed. I think allowing myself to make music might translate into me being able to access a different part of myself that would be useful as a filmmaker. Same with the dancing.

Another year my resolution was to be a consumer, but not so much of clothes and electronics and stuff, more a consumer of media and books and cultural things. I’ve been getting better at that, I have seen a lot of movies last year and watched more TV and Netflix. But I think I need to go to galleries more, and also read more books. I don’t do a lot of reading and it’s a problem.

Also I need to write in my diary more. I tried it a little bit last year, hand writing, and it really helped me process my emotions around different things. Also it made me cry a lot.

OH and I was able to cry more easily this last year! FINALLY! I want that to continue, I think being in touch with my emotions is important and for so long I’ve just tried so hard not to cry that when I needed to cry it wouldn’t happen.

Christmas this year is vastly different for Mom and I. For one thing, we are doing it here in Toronto. She arrives Christmas morning and I’m making brunch (must remember to get more maple syrup), we’re gonna open a couple presents and she gets some mimosas and I get plain orange juice and coffee. Christmas Eve I am spending alone at my place though. I’m trying to figure out a good new Christmas Eve tradition.

I’ve decided I am making Carol my new Christmas Eve movie to watch. Pups and I are gonna put it on the Blu-ray and resist the temptation to smoke (so many cigarettes in that flick!). Eat some snacks and light some candles. Maybe have some kind of soak in the tub too. I really wish I had someone to fool around with or even just make out with on the couch, but it’s way too late to arrange anything like that.

I’m making Christmas dinner, we’re having an organic chicken instead of a turkey. Stuffing. Potatoes. Maybe a squash. Cranberry sauce, and some Saskatoon pie for dessert which I will make on Christmas eve because sweet and savory in the same oven is a bad idea. Maybe I will even drag my table from the porch in here so we can actually sit at it instead of on the couch. We’ll see.

And that’s about it for Christmas. We are gonna relax the rest of the day and Mom will drink Baileys and I’ll probably move on to a cola. We’re gonna watch Auntie Mame which has been a Christmas tradition for a number of years ever since I discovered it as a teenage homo.

Speaking of Cola, I recently found out people with ADHD often self medicate with caffeine. And the reason I am mentioning this is because after much discussion with a close friend, I have come to realize it is most likely something I have been dealing with most if not all of my life. It wasn’t noticed by anyone else because girls with it don’t often have the hyperactivity part of the disorder. And also I didn’t have the underachieving part of ADHD because I was able to complete my Masters degree. But what if I had been treated? Would I have done better? I have a hard time following conversation sometimes because my mind will just wander off at the most random times, even if I am trying to focus and it’s important to listen. Even when I WANT to listen.

Also sometimes I’ve felt like I let myself down in terms of productivity. Sometimes I can be so good at it because I hyper-focus for hours if it’s something I like, and other times I just have such a hard time sitting down (or cleaning or whatever the task may be) that I just procrastinate for ages.

I’ve been doing things that a lot of ADHD people do to manage their lives better, like having alarms for all my appointments in my calendar, timing cooking because sometimes I’ll forget or lose track of time, writing boring shit like “I’m gonna wash the floor now” on my FB so that I have to be accountable to randoms on FB and will actually follow through on this task.

I like this idea of hyper-focus that ADHD people get, but also, I really want to be productive the rest of the time and be a little more together. My friend sent me all this information and youtube lectures about it and learning about what it does really makes me wonder how I could have thought this is normal for everybody. And I always wondered why other people could do so much that I had such a hard time doing.

So in the new year I’m going to investigate getting a diagnosis and treatment for it. It’s tricky because of the bipolar, because I don’t want amphetamines to make me manic. Strattera isn’t an amphetamine, but it costs 400 a month and probably my NIHB would get all bitchy about paying that and make me take an amphetamine anyway.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind this Christmas!

Mostly though, I’m excited to just have a quiet happy Christmas with my mom, at home, with my pups. It’s totally different than any other Christmas.

I’ve mentioned before (maybe?) my troubles with getting a permanent full time job, which is that it conflicts with my career that sometimes has me out of the country/city, etc, that sometimes requires me to work full time on my writing or filming things etc. I need a job that is made up of steady gigs that I can take a break from when I need to do other stuff (which also sometimes pays). I need something to get me through blips of time.

So I was talking to my Mom about it, and she said I should look into Voice Over work. I’ve done a lot of monologues as part of my video practice, and I’ve also been a call centre worker, so I had to have a nice clear voice so people could understand my survey questions. I think I could do it.

I’ve been doing some research, it’s an okay paying job and there’s lots of work out there. My friend Juli posted a bunch of links to voice over talent agencies and training places around here. Next time more money comes in I can buy some decent sound equipment to record myself on my own. There’s a place in Toronto that does a month long weekly workshop that teaches you about the Voice Over industry and how to read a script and analyze it and stuff. Ontario Works pays for some employment related skills training, so I am going to approach them on Monday about paying for this workshop. It starts in January. Which is really soon. Maybe if I miss that one I can do the one in February or something.

It would be nice to have a weird skill that is employable. I have a lot of employable skills, but the nature of the film production industry means I can’t do project after project after project with like, 14 hour days back to back. Like, it’s not good for my disability. But something like this might be easier. And I like talking. It’s funny though because if you met me you wouldn’t think so because I am really quiet until I have assessed people and determined if I can be a weirdo around them or not.

It would be nice to do audiobooks or something. Documentary voice overs. Juli said I might be interested in loop groups, which are people who get together and provide background walla for films. It could be fun! She posted a video of people doing it.

I’ve also heard some bad things about voice over work, specifically regarding video game voice over work. There was (is?) actually a strike going on over working conditions which push the actors too far and damage their voices. So that’s a concern.

And obviously I wouldn’t cross a picket line.

But this makes more sense for me to do than even the described video for the blind thing I had been interested in before. I wouldn’t have to be tied to one company, and I could choose when to work and when to take a break. It might be worth it to try and get insurance on my voice though, in case I end up being one of those people who needs to get vocal surgery.

Anyway, that is my thought these days! I hope this is the thing that works out for me!

It’s been over ten days since my surgery! I can have penetrative sex again! Roll out the dildos!

Ha ha, but still there’s no prospects, so whatever.

My healing went well, it’s been 3 days at least with no more oxycodone. And it’s been fine, better even. I was getting so constipated and unhappy on that medication, and it was painful and distressing, so now things are back to normal. Some of my incisions are still a little tender. But not bad. I don’t have any pain really. I visited a piercing place the other day and got my hood piercing put back in, so that was nice, because the retainer was irritating me. I’m able to clean on my own and have baths and carry Little Mister up and down the stairs and take out my own garbage, and tomorrow I am gonna do some laundry on my own.

There was one day I felt a few sharp pains from my ovary, and I wasn’t sure if it was ovulating or doing something related to healing. I was getting pains from that cyst almost every day near the end, so it’s been really nice NOT having cyst related pains. But the ovarian pain was a little odd, because it happened in the middle of my healing. But I do usually feel when I ovulate, so that really could be what it was.

I’m waiting to hear about some stuff, so that’s a little bit exciting. I am going to be getting some funding news in the next couple of months, which is something to look forward to. I also am still eligible to apply for another OAC grant, so I think I may do that next year.

The dogs are okay. Little Mister started coughing again today though, which SUCKS Because he might need MORE expensive antibiotics. I’m going to call the vet tomorrow and inquire. He’s mostly a happy guy, but I’ll be damned if something as ridiculous as kennel cough takes him from me. He’s like, a healthy little boy, who still has some years in him.

On the love front, well fuck. I’m back in an unrequited situation and it SUCKS and I am so tired of this happening and I have to figure out how to deal with these feelings on my own. Especially since I like being friends with this woman and don’t want my ridiculous feelings to interfere with a good friendship. And I already KNOW it’s not gonna happen. Like, at all, ever ever. So I guess my strategy is just to keep getting out there and meeting women and hopefully someday I’ll have a date again. I got off dating websites and apps because they were humiliating and no one would ever message me back. And sometimes people messaged me and I wouldn’t message them back either because I wasn’t into it. Anyway, I decided online dating was the worst possible thing for me. I can make a bunch of short videos that people seem to appreciate, I can talk in front of hundreds of people about personal work, I can run a blog for twelve consecutive years that has some kind of audience, but for whatever reason I can’t catch a date on OKCupid or Tinder. I must be really unphotogenic or something. Or maybe they are all racist. Or maybe I just come across as awkward. Ugh. And I AM awkward. And I don’t make great first impressions because I am super shy/introverted. Especially in group situations where I don’t know most of the people.

I can talk in front of university classes though.

So weird. I probably overshare on OKC or something. I just want potential dates to be informed so I don’t find out some one has a hatred for whatever thing about me I have no control over like race or mental health status.

BUT I did make a committment to myself that I was going to meet people in person from going to places. Like meet them just living my life out in the world. And I did have like, four crushes this past year. On women I met in real life. They didn’t GO anywhere, but still! That’s something. A crush for every season!

But healing from surgery has kept me from meeting anyone, except the butch lady at the hardware store who winked at me when I bought my Christmas lights. She wasn’t as interested when I bought my mop a few days later tho.

It’s been a boring few days, but my friends helped me out with some dog walking and house chores and groceries and things. Today I was all on my own, so I watched a bunch of movies on the AMC channel and finished watching Transparent season 3. I skipped my night dose of this painkiller last night and it was fine, I was a bit sore and achey when I woke up this morning, but then I took some meds and it was okay. I’m just trying to slowly taper off them so I don’t get addicted because that would be a pain in the ass. Plus if I only take two a day I only have four more days left. So I’m really trying to stretch it out.

I had more energy, until about 4pm then I just felt WIPED and took a nap. Recovering is very boring.

Today I saw Goonies and Tremors. And played with the dogs. Little Mister is being super adorable today. Right now he’s sleeping, but he’s been asking for cuddles and kisses all day. Posey is also snuggled up to me these days.

My friend Marty gave me a tarot reading and it was really good, among all the things it said, it mentioned I was looking for a top, and that people saw me as being like, someone who was good at getting grants and having a career. Of course it didn’t say I would get in a relationship, but that’s probably also the fault of the way I asked the question because it was about a specific crush and not my love life in general.

My surgical strips fell off today, and I got to look at my incisions. They seem to be glued shut. They are very small, even the one in my bellybutton is tiny. Anyway, they are healing well, a little itchy but not too bad. I’ve been eating well and mostly resting. I did do two bureaucratic things today, but it was just putting some stuff in the mail, so it wasn’t AWFUL! Not like, standing in line somewhere.

I’ve got linty strips where the gauzey bandages were stuck to me, and those are kind of annoying in an aesthetic way. I don’t feel like I should be applying a lot of friction to that area to get it off tho. I briefly considering wiping my tummy with goo gone, but that’s probably a terrible idea.

All kinds of things have been going on in my guts. The co2 that was in there was making me so gassy, and then I was constipated from the pain meds so I felt nauseated a couple days. Everybody has advice and some is better than others. But mostly I just need help with my dogs, because Little Mister weighs 15 pounds and has to be carried up and down the stairs. Also I needed help with laundry on the weekend, which Marty helped with. I’ve just got ten days altogether to be careful, and 14 days to be back to normal. So it’s coming along. Although it’s really only been four days still.

Not even halfway there!

The painkillers I am on are pretty serious, so I’m trying to use good judgement in taking them. I think doing two a day instead of three right now is better. I’m hoping maybe tomorrow or the day after I can go down to one in the morning.

I remember when I was in concurrent disorders group these people who had been addicted to painkillers would do a lot of handwringing about upcoming dental surgeries and stuff where they would be faced with taking painkillers again. And I never really thought much of it, like if you’re in pain why not take them? But now everyone’s freaking out about how addictive these meds I am on are and stuff and it’s like, holy shit! I just got surgery! I am literally just taking them for pain. Like, no way would I be doing this for fun, they make me constipated and groggy and that is about it. I mean, also they get rid of my pain, which is the main point. But I’m not like, having a good time over here. Of course I wasn’t smoking weed to have a good time in the end either.

So I guess if I had been prescribed medical marijuana to deal with this surgery, I would probably also be doing a lot of handwringing and trying to find alternatives or just living with pain.

The main thing besides being constipated and groggy is I hate that these meds make me feel sort of like, half stupid. Like my brain just isn’t working at it’s optimum. It’s not good for creativity.

On the other hand, it IS good for sitting back and watching tv and movies and eating snacks. Which is basically all anyone who is recovering from surgery should do.

I had surgery yesterday to remove an ovarian cyst. It was big. They used lasers. I had day surgery so I didn’t have to stay overnight, thank god! I just had to recover and have a pee. I have three gauzey bandages on my abdomen, and meds that make me sleepy and constipated. They also gave me a med for the constipation. Ha ha all things you don’t really need to know!

I’m sore, but not as sore as I was after gallbladder surgery. I think the racism in Saskatchewan kept me from getting appropriate pain management, because the pain I have felt this go around is WAY easier to bear. Like I didn’t wake up moaning from pain in the hospital, I woke up feeling quite pleasant actually, if super drugged. And it’s sort of continued since then, taking these meds appropriately and feeling a little weird but not fucked up. Even the bumpy drive home wasn’t so bad.

Although I am a little bit silly.

From the drugs I mean.

And sleepy.

Coughing kind of hurts tho!

I can’t take off the gauze for 48 hours (another 26 now I guess!) and then I can only shower for ten days until I take my steristrips off. Or they can fall off, whichever. It looks like he used my bellybutton, which is good because that’s where my gallbladder scar was.

Something funny about that scar is it’s big and pink and I remember looking at it once and thinking “I will never be in porn now, no one wants to look at a body that has been cut open at some point.” It was sad and funny, in particular because I never really ever considered a career in porn.

Ha ha. I had my pre-op appointment today at Sunnybrook so that I could find out about my surgery next week, get my abdomen prodded by the gynaecologist, and provide a blood sample for whatever they are curious about. It sounds like a straightforward surgery, it’s day surgery and hopefully I will only be there for about four and a half hours all together. Maybe six. I have to be at the hospital two hours before my surgery. And the anesthesiologist is going to call me and do a interview about stuff they have to know. I’m getting it done laparoscopically, so my recovery should be short. I can have sex ten days after my surgery! 😀 Exciting! Ha ha like that’s gonna happen. Just start up my OKC profile again while laying in bed with stitches in my guts.

I’m sure it will be fine. Worst case scenario is they find precancerous or cancerous cells and have to go back in and take out my uterus, fallopian tubes, and both ovaries, AND some kind of tissue. Like fat tissue or something? I don’t remember. But it’s unlikely that will happen.

The Dr. is going to try to save my ovary, and if he can’t I will still have the other ovary so I will still get hormones. Yay for hormones! 😀

It’s been acting up a bit, this cyst that is getting removed. It causes a sharp pain now and then, and I am terrified if the glorious chance to get fisted by a hottie ever came up, it would cause this thing to burst. So of course fisting is temporarily off the menu. But no one is looking at the menu anyway.

I get to sleep in tomorrow! 😀 I had to get up early yesterday and today.

Oh geez! I haven’t even talked about my trip to Montreal yet!

I spent the weekend in Montreal at my friend Robin’s from Friday to Monday! I talked on a roundtable at the conference (Angela Davis was apparently also at the conference but I didn’t see her!). And I went for poutine and a walk and a coffee with Irene and over to Shavonne’s where we visited and then walked to a queer karaoke night at Notre Dame de Quilles. But aside from those short outings, I was mostly visiting Robin and having long conversations with her and it was so great. We talked about serious things and funny things and spiritual things and shocking things and things we both got mad about (not mad at each other, just mutual outrage at other people!). The first day I got there Robin was wearing these AMAZING pyjamas! I wish I had gotten a picture of her, they were pretty spectacular!

And Robin and I gave each other lots of deep heartfelt happy hugs and it was SO NICE and I realized I haven’t had anything close to cuddles in a long time. Like yeah I hug all my friends hello and goodbye, but this was like, really sweet.

I haven’t seen Robin since 2013 or something. Maybe 2012?? A long ass time anyway. It was so nice being able to be around her. We have these long phone calls once a month or so, so we are pretty close. One funny thing is being my best friend obviously she is kept in the loop about all my crushes and exes over the years, so we were looking at some of them on Facebook and she was guessing their Myers Briggs type. I have to say I think she probably got them right, I was giving brief rundowns of their personalities and quirks so it wasn’t just based on profile pictures. Also basically they all seem to be ENFP’s.

But one important thing was, of course, my issues with Montreal because it’s where I had a traumatic hospital stay. I actually didn’t end up going to any of the places I had lived or been around. I was on Saint Laurent one night, but it was way out of the way of where I used to walk. Robin and I walked close to where we used to work on my way back to the bus going to Toronto, but that was all. It was nice to be in new places because I wasn’t triggered. And I think probably even if I did go to old places, they have changed a lot since then. So I felt a lot better about being there. And I think because I was so close to the few people I did see, it was really healing.

I think I want to go back. I don’t want to try and live there again still, but I think I should visit more, especially because seeing Robin was so good.

Well. I’m not exactly sure what to write, but obviously I have to address that Donald Trump won the fucking American election and his followers are terrorizing anyone who’s not a straight white cis man. But Jesus, I don’t really have a lot of great advice. To be honest, I didn’t think it would come to this. He is so clearly inept, cannot string together a coherent sentence, never held political office before, and has gone bankrupt multiple times. I’m poor and in a lot of student loan debt, but I’ve never gone bankrupt. No shame to those who have. But he’s done it multiple times. He doesn’t pay contractors. He built his base on racism, homophobia, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia. Hillary said his base was made up of deplorables and then the media shamed her and she had to walk it back, but it’s true! There are Donald Trump supporters on twitter gloating about how now they are going to sexually assault women because it’s okay!

So it’s been a real rollercoaster of emotions for everyone. In particular people who are not straight white cis males. I don’t have a lot of spoons for dealing with this. The morning after the election I managed to get to a talk I had to do at U of T, and aside from that I’ve really just been sitting around on my ass at home reading horrifying articles, posting snarky gifs, and avoiding life.

But today I kind of pulled myself together, went out into the world and got something to eat and some stuff for the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to Montreal for the NWSA conference where I am speaking about Indigenous feminist masculinities. I feel a little unprepared, I need to do some printing tonight. I’m gonna see my friend Robin tomorrow for the first time since 2012 or something, and she’s like, my best friend, so I am excited to see her. I’m gonna be there until Monday.

Little Mister has been getting ANOTHER round of antibiotics, because he still has a cough. He has good and bad days, but I think he’s going to stay alive while I am gone for the weekend, so I am not too worried. He has a dog sitter who used to be a veterinary assistant. Posey coughed once two days ago and never again, so I think she did get what he has and fought it off.

It’s really hot in here, I had the heater on but it wasn’t necessary. The weather has been odd in Toronto. It’s Remembrance Day tomorrow and still snow hasn’t fallen.

I’m trying to practice crush etiquette by pretending I am not super into this woman and it’s kind of ridiculous and I feel so phoney trying to be cool and ending up looking awkward and silly. Maybe I’ll meet someone else in Montreal who actually wants me to be awkward and ridiculous. Because this being cool thing is not working. Maybe (probably) she is just not into me and I should give up. AHHHHHHHH fuck I hate everything.

And then I was in a good mood today, and making jokes, and feeling kind of cool, but then I’m like “But Thirza, the world is going to hell and the deplorables have won and jesus even Leonard Cohen died today, you should feel AWFUL! Shame shame!” And I did feel awful, yesterday. But I feel better today. So I was all wondering “Am I going Manic? OMG! Am I going to start writing 30 emails a day again? Am I going to try and overthrow the American government or something in a psychosis?”

But you know, I think there’s a reason I’m in a good mood. I think it’s because the people appalled at the new President-Elect and what he has already done to the USA and the world are ANGRY, and in anger there is power. I really do feel like there is a rumbling momentum of the non-deplorables who could keep each other safer. Not SAFE, just, maybe we can look out for each other. Maybe we can unite and build alternate societies.

There was an attempted rape at the Oceti Sakowin Camp (Sioux pipeline protestors) and the leaders held a kind of trial and banished the perpetrator and walked him out of camp while yelling his name and what he did, and then handed him to the women who cut off his braids, and then sent him down the road where some officers were going to pick him up and deal with him. It was such a simple, elegant, traditional way of dealing with sexual assault. I actually found it really inspiring, taking justice into our own hands and not tolerating shit like that.

Can that kind of action happen elsewhere?

Mom has been staying with me since Oct 18th! It’s been fun, we did ImagineNATIVE which was SUPER intense, one day I saw four programs and she saw three. Altogether we watched about ten programs, including 3 or 4 shorts programs. Maybe just 3. There was some really good work this year.

Little Mister just had his last antibiotic. He hasn’t coughed in a while, which is good.

I was interviewed by Vice during ImagineNATIVE which was cool and it showed on their website and they might air it. Actually tonight I ran into the producer at Moonlight (which was an amazing film).

What else? My bureaucratic nightmare turned out fine. I’m looking for a dog sitter, is my only current stress, because I am going to a conference next month.

I have a big crush on someone and I was trying to ignore it but I think maybe it’s okay to just have a crush and whatever maybe something will develop and maybe not. I felt super awkward trying to communicate with her and even one time we were having an FB chat and it started out fine and then I really wanted to hit on her, BUT I GOT TERRIFIED and was like “Okay talk to you later!” even tho I didn’t have anything else to do at that moment. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I have to just cough up that I like them, because it’s the elephant in the chat window, I think she might know. But it’s this big feeling that is getting in the way because it’s just kind of the next thing I should say to her, even though it’s like, early days. I need to set the tone! AHHHHHH shit I am so bad at this.

Even tonight, the producer of Vice said something to me and I didn’t know if it was like “we should hang out” or just something like “nice seeing you here” because my hearing can be shitty when there is background noise (one of the reasons I don’t like going to loud bars) and so I don’t know if she wants to be friends or is just like “See you around.” And this encapsulates my whole terrible awkwardness even with making friends.

Then with crushes, the stakes get raised because potential lovers (for me anyway) involve an emotional investment and it’s scary and so I’m like, doing alright, then freak out and say “Okay talk to you later!” Ahhh shitty. Ha ha ha.

This used to be easier with alcohol, I hate to say it but it’s true. I haven’t had a lover while I’ve been sober, and it’s weird, and I have told women I like them, but nothing happens. And there was one moment a while back where I WOULD have normally just made a move, had I been drunk or tipsy. But now I am sober and not wanting to cross lines and swallowing back words and changing the subject. It’s very strange.

I guess I have to relearn how to be brave and ask women on ACTUAL dates, not just “hanging out.” I got rid of my OKC profile a couple months ago. I decided meeting women in real life was better. But I haven’t had an actual REAL date in a long time. Just hang outs that are usually platonic. And that’s fine too, but making out with someone would be nice. Forming an intimate bond would be nice.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now, because Mom is staying with me until Tuesday so it’s all Mom time until then. Tomorrow I work for five hours, and again on Monday, but that’s my only responsibility. I should go to bed. I’m letting myself be up late because it’s Friday night, but actually now my night meds are kicking in and sleep seems like a really good idea.

So I finally clued in that Little Mister, my long haired dachshund, wasn’t just randomly clearing his throat then gagging up nothing. He’s been coughing. And when I looked it up, it sounded a lot like kennel cough, which was confirmed when I took him to the vet today. They said he was contagious and made sure he wasn’t in the common area for very long. He’s got antibiotics. The funny thing is today he hasn’t coughed once. I don’t know if he just finally got over it, or if the antibiotics are working already. But he’s in high spirits, we went for a walk with Posey and he had a good time. I’m so glad I had the cash to take him in. Being dead broke with a sick dog is the worst.

It’s actually been a good day for my own health too. I faced my anxiety about a bureaucratic thing and made a phone call, and it wasn’t so bad. I had enough energy to clean the house, and not just a shallow clean but a SERIOUS thorough cleaning. Like wiping underneath things in the kitchen and throwing out and recycling and all kinds of stuff I haven’t had the spoons to manage. I swept the stairway finally! So much dirt! I cleared piles of things. I did the basic stuff too, like sweeping and washing floors. But it’s finally such a nice space to be in.

I just have a pile of laundry to sort and the basic bathroom cleaning left to do. And if I can clean the fridge out tomorrow too it would be perfection. I’m pretty happy about it. I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, because for so long I’ve only been at about a 6 out of 10 in energy levels. Now I would say I’m at a 8. BUT not manic energy, which would be anywhere from 11 – 20 and way too much. But then I realized it’s been about 5 weeks of upped antidepressant. And I kind of felt it was making a difference, but today really felt a lot better compared to five weeks ago. The anxiety is way more manageable and not so crippling, and although I don’t feel like a giant smiley face rolling down the street, I do feel more clear and content. And things are more enjoyable. Like I am super getting into my music again, which was kind of all blah and grey for a while there. Not making music, just listening to it.

I feel like I can let things go easier. Not like, serious things, like not paying bills or rent or shit like that that would just cause trouble. More like being slighted by people or having crushes that are just useless cause the other person isn’t into it or even just regular rejection that comes along with being an artist who has to submit to things or compete or whatever and not always “winning” or being selected. My FOMO is a lot less. I’m happy being alone with my animals at home. It’s pretty good. It’s not like I DON’T care either though, which is also a not great thing.

Anyway, Mom comes tomorrow to spend two weeks with me. It’s gonna be interesting to see how that goes. We’re doing ImagineNATIVE and then at the end of the month, the Art Fair, and in between some hanging out and eating cool stuff I guess. I think we might go to the Farm. Pupwalks. She’s bringing her beading so she’ll be doing that. I have a talk in a class to do next week and also a few shifts at the Edition Fair at the end of the month. But aside from that it’s hanging out with Mom and trying to squeeze in writing.