So I finally clued in that Little Mister, my long haired dachshund, wasn’t just randomly clearing his throat then gagging up nothing. He’s been coughing. And when I looked it up, it sounded a lot like kennel cough, which was confirmed when I took him to the vet today. They said he was contagious and made sure he wasn’t in the common area for very long. He’s got antibiotics. The funny thing is today he hasn’t coughed once. I don’t know if he just finally got over it, or if the antibiotics are working already. But he’s in high spirits, we went for a walk with Posey and he had a good time. I’m so glad I had the cash to take him in. Being dead broke with a sick dog is the worst.

It’s actually been a good day for my own health too. I faced my anxiety about a bureaucratic thing and made a phone call, and it wasn’t so bad. I had enough energy to clean the house, and not just a shallow clean but a SERIOUS thorough cleaning. Like wiping underneath things in the kitchen and throwing out and recycling and all kinds of stuff I haven’t had the spoons to manage. I swept the stairway finally! So much dirt! I cleared piles of things. I did the basic stuff too, like sweeping and washing floors. But it’s finally such a nice space to be in.

I just have a pile of laundry to sort and the basic bathroom cleaning left to do. And if I can clean the fridge out tomorrow too it would be perfection. I’m pretty happy about it. I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, because for so long I’ve only been at about a 6 out of 10 in energy levels. Now I would say I’m at a 8. BUT not manic energy, which would be anywhere from 11 – 20 and way too much. But then I realized it’s been about 5 weeks of upped antidepressant. And I kind of felt it was making a difference, but today really felt a lot better compared to five weeks ago. The anxiety is way more manageable and not so crippling, and although I don’t feel like a giant smiley face rolling down the street, I do feel more clear and content. And things are more enjoyable. Like I am super getting into my music again, which was kind of all blah and grey for a while there. Not making music, just listening to it.

I feel like I can let things go easier. Not like, serious things, like not paying bills or rent or shit like that that would just cause trouble. More like being slighted by people or having crushes that are just useless cause the other person isn’t into it or even just regular rejection that comes along with being an artist who has to submit to things or compete or whatever and not always “winning” or being selected. My FOMO is a lot less. I’m happy being alone with my animals at home. It’s pretty good. It’s not like I DON’T care either though, which is also a not great thing.

Anyway, Mom comes tomorrow to spend two weeks with me. It’s gonna be interesting to see how that goes. We’re doing ImagineNATIVE and then at the end of the month, the Art Fair, and in between some hanging out and eating cool stuff I guess. I think we might go to the Farm. Pupwalks. She’s bringing her beading so she’ll be doing that. I have a talk in a class to do next week and also a few shifts at the Edition Fair at the end of the month. But aside from that it’s hanging out with Mom and trying to squeeze in writing.

So I guess now that I have signed this co-development agreement to see if this production company and I can get funding for development on my feature, I can finally say it’s official and the ink is dry and the application to Telefilm is in and we’ll find out in 6-8 weeks if we get some development money. I really hope so. It’s an exciting project. It’s the first round of development if it works out so there’s an amazing story editor who I will get to work with to do another draft of my script. And it pays. Which will give me some breathing room to just concentrate on my work.

It’s all very exciting. I’ve been doing meetings and stuff for a while working on this, and I’ve been so shy about talking about it because I don’t want to jinx it. But I have a good feeling about it. There’s so much more about this I could talk about, but I like to keep a bit of mystery. Which probably sounds funny since this blog exists and I blab about lots on Facebook. But I’ve been trying to be quiet about this, but anyway if you were reading mentions of this exciting secret thing, this is it! I’m still amazed to be heading in this direction, because I’ve wanted to make a feature for SO LONG and it was just never working out or the right time or whatever. But I think this project has some legs. And I feel like the people I am working with are very professional and will be really helpful getting this off the ground.

So, if I was a drinking woman I guess I would have cracked open the champagne already, but I am not a drinker anymore, so I think I’m just going to go out to dinner with my mom next week and have a little celebration. Maybe go to Banjera, I like that restaurant but it’s pricey and far.

I’ve been getting some media requests about my video game, so that’s been fun. I sent some answers to questions to CBC the other day and talked to Vice the other day, we’ll see if they shoot the interview next week.

I’ve been alright otherwise. This whole last week was doing a lot of arts admin work, which isn’t super fun but also is pretty necessary. I’m hoping to get my last chunk of admin stuff done tonight so I can do some writing tomorrow and Monday. Tuesday Mom comes to stay with me for two weeks, so it’s gonna be a full little apartment. Two people and two dogs in one one bedroom! And next week is ImagineNATIVE, so I am gonna go to a lot of films with Mom and see people and talk about my video game. I’m excited.

This weekend is mostly about getting ready for Mom’s visit. I did all my dishes yesterday, but I gotta keep on top of them. The apartment is fairly clean because a friend came over yesterday, but I need to wash the floors.

OMG I also learned I am the worst at consoling someone. Someone I know had a break up recently and were sad that they were single again and without even thinking I’m all “Yeah being single is the worst.” OMFG so terrible! I can’t believe I even said that! But it does suck. BUT that’s just because I’ve been single for nearly a decade, even tho I had flings and things along the way. Like I kind of lost count of how many women I’ve been “hanging out” with over the years, even with sleepovers and kisses and sometimes sex stuff, but an actual RELATIONSHIP? No. No reason to change my Facebook status to “In a relationship.” Not even “It’s complicated.” In fact some of my secret sexy times have been with people who are super private so it just never was common knowledge. Which sucks. I would love to openly be like “I’m in love y’all!” but most of my falling in love just never worked out. And then there was all that crush recycling that was happening for a while. Which is a bad idea, I will admit.

Anyway, being single does suck. But it’s okay, I mean, just in that if someone really wants to be with me they should make an effort. I’m tired of making moves that go nowhere. And I don’t want to pursue someone who’s aloof and makes me feel like they don’t really care. Fuck that.

Ha ha this is supposed to be about my awesome career news but now I’m just blabbing about non-relationships. Enough of that. Being single is just a thing. I’m still having orgasms so whatever. Ha ha not that relationships are only about that. I know they are way more involved than sex. Someday! Ha ha ha.

I’m having surgery in a few weeks. It’s a little bit nervewracking. Mostly I’m sad that it’s gonna be hard for me to work for a little bit. I think it’s like, three weeks until everything heals usually. We’ll see. I do most of my work sitting at my computer though, so that’s not too bad.

So my video game is done! There’s just one thing I couldn’t figure out but after four hours of rewriting code over and over I was just like “FUCK IT!” and let it do this other thing which is also fine I guess. Also I want to continue working on it and making more levels, but that’s gonna wait until next year when/if I get my grant.

I’m proud of it I guess! It’s a first time game, it’s very simple, it’s sort of fun, I think it has a message. It’s going to be showing at ImagineNATIVE and again in November at Rendezvous With Madness. So that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to people interacting with it.

I have big plans for it if I can keep working on it!

I am sleepy. I got up at 10:30 this morning, which is early for me. I did some tidying and washed the floor. I have only a few dirty dishes but I might wash them because I’ve got a bad habit of leaving dishes until they are smelling up my kitchen.

I never really thought I would be one of those people who clean the whole apartment once a week. I used to be so much more of a slob. But it’s nice, this keeping clean thing. Before I only kept the house clean when I had girlfriends who came over cause a dirty apartment isn’t sexy. But now I just clean because it makes me happy. I guess the living in filth thing was also strongly tied to having concurrent disorders. So now that they aren’t controlling my life the way they used to, I’m able to be WAAAAAAAY more functional.

I want to keep cleaning. So I should probably just woman up and go do that. I like writing here though. My garbage and recycling got taken out today! And I actually got some shitty junk out from under the entertainment unit. That was awesome.

Oh geez I wonder where my degree is? Did I put it up somewhere? Fuck I should really get that framed and hung up, but I have no money for such extravagances. I didn’t frame my Emily Carr degree either because it was this shitty looking thing, and since then I think it got wrecked. I need to order another one. Maybe this one will be decent looking.

Okay, enough sitting around, back to work!

I have my computer back, and it is happier and faster than ever! It’s good because I’ve been getting work emails and sending back these pitiful messages saying “Is Friday okay because my laptop is in the shop?” Anyway, it’s OUT now and here and in my lap where it belongs. Of course the first thing I did was just go on Facebook, which actually wasn’t all that exciting. And also not graphics intensive which is what the laptop was having trouble with.

But I did open a few programs and test it out and it’s not going apeshit anymore. ALSO the repair place fixed the CD drive without charging me, which was so nice. In fact, they didn’t charge me at all, because Apple knows this is a problem with this model.

I found out about two possible things that will get me some money in the next couple of months. So that’s encouraging. I recently decided to try and live off of my art and being a general techy/video/film smartie/whatever. So that’s what I am doing. One thing might be a programming jury, and the other thing is showing my video game at a festival in November. So that’s very fun! I’m basically just trying to get the odd job and artist fee wherever I can. I’m going to be hearing about grants and funding early next year, so hopefully by then a small financial safety net will be catching me. I have a conference to go to in Montreal next month (which isn’t a paid gig), and I still need to write something and select what part of this video I want to show. I have to come up with a description for a possible new video on the theme of Art and Reconciliation for a possible commission next year. I still need to write a short script for a film I can apply to BravoFACT for which is more Industry/Commercial than my previous experimental stuff. AND I have this second 2 Spirit video to make to complete a Toronto Art Council grant I got. Finally a first draft of the script has been written. But it was written as a performance so now of course I have to make some changes. And then there is still some secret stuff going on that’s exciting but not official official yet.

So I’m busy, and not having my laptop made me feel very weird. I was on my phone all the time, but I couldn’t really do any serious work besides answering emails in short pitiful sentences. And of course this video game which is DUE SO SOON was on hold, basically, because I had nothing to make it with. God I even had to do an artist talk this past weekend ABOUT my video game without actually showing it except for the demo video because of this sad situation.

But enough about work. How am I?

The interesting thing about not having a laptop for a few days is that I started keeping a “sad handwritten book” also known as a diary, and it totally got me in touch with my emotions in a way that typing on here doesn’t. Like I totally started crying by the time I got to page four of this notebook. So that was interesting. I think I’m a lot more intellectual and detached when I type, even when I am typing about my own life or sad feelings I am having. And I felt a lot safer about talking of emotional things when it’s not on my laptop which could get hacked or lost or whatever. Even though this diary could also totally get lost.

The dogs are fine. I need to take them to the vet for their annual checkups, but that’s the only thing they need. They’ve got food and walkies and soft places to sleep. So they are happy.

My Mom is coming for a visit this month, so I have to keep the place clean. It will be a little stressy sharing a small space with her, but I think it will be okay, and I can always come to the living room and sleep on the couch.

Ahh hell I better go do some work. Anyway, that’s all for now.

So my laptop is at the Apple place getting a new logic board graphics card whatever. I am accepting the challenge of living without a laptop for the four days it will take to get it fixed. I don’t like it tho. I’ve been on my phone all day, and it’s getting boring. I like my phone but the screen is so small and mobile sites are not as functional as regular sites. I named this post this shitty post because I am writing it on my phone.

Life is okay otherwise. My financial situation is slightly improved, although I still need to bring some more money into this house. I’m set for October, but I need some cash in November and December, especially since I have surgery scheduled for the end of November. So it’s a bit stress.

Not to mention student loans took money straight out of my account last Friday, sending me into a panic. I had to borrow rent money from a friend.

So I called Student Loans today and their phone system is whack and hung up on me five times in a row before I conceded defeat and vowed to try again tomorrow.

I have a video game to finish. And my laptop is being fixed. I decided four days wasn’t bad, I can do some drawings and get them scanned when it comes home. But the final deadline is approaching and I gotta finish this thing. I’m usually good with deadlines, so I am pretty sure I can do it. But you know, it’s stress.

Anyway, there’s my shitty phone post.

Ugh. Yesterday was a day of HELL and I felt like shit and I was sad all day and part of it was because I had a bad dream about my sister dying, BUT ALSO I discovered my laptop started having problems, most likely with the graphics card (which unfortunately is soldered to the logic board, which means major repairs) and so I did all kinds of things trying to resolve my problem, BUT I KNEW it was the same thing that happened to me two years ago and I had to get it replaced then too. This is just a really bad model of Macbook Pro, a 2011 which has a known issue with that. Anyway, anytime I tried to open a graphics heavy application the whole thing would crash and restart over and over for a while. iMovie, Final Cut Pro X, even freakin’ Photos! I just had to do ONE thing yesterday, which I managed at the end of the day, and that was to get a working demo video of my game and test it on VLC. I downloaded the new version of VLC and it let me test, amazing. So it works and today I mailed it off and called Apple Care and they agreed I needed to bring my laptop in so I have an appointment on Sunday.

But god, I felt so sad yesterday I wanted to cry myself to sleep. I felt better today, because my grant is in, and I have an appointment to resolve this computer issue, and because my friends and I went to Bingo and I finally got to bring out my troll doll I got through Bunz!

Tomorrow I go to Guelph, for a talk at Ed Video. It should be okay, they are installing Unity on a computer for me to show my game. I hope I have time to test it. It’s not done yet. My friend Riki offered to let me use her laptop to finish my game, I just need to make three images and cobble together my game. Like, it is SO close to being done. If I get my grant it will continue on more levels.

So after 3pm tomorrow I should be free and clear of my duties! But my train doesn’t leave until 10pm so I’m gonna hang out and check out more of the symposium. I hope they have food! 😀

So yeah. I felt shitty this morning when I woke up. But I dunno, it shifted, and went away, and turned into an actually nice fun day.

I am actually writing this from my laptop, it works with only Chrome, iTunes, and the Calendar app. I don’t know why those are okay. I tested Unity today on it, and OF COURSE it went bananas and crashed. Because that’s one of the apps I NEED to finish my game, so OF COURSE it wouldn’t work. Ugh.

But on Sunday I will have a better picture of what will happen to my poor computer. I am hoping because there were a lot of appointments available that the apple repair place will be able to get to my laptop sooner than say, the Eaton Centre apple store. I don’t know how long it takes to replace a logic board/graphics card. Supposedly it should be a free repair because they extended free repairs on that issue until the end of this year. I think if money comes into my life, like a sizeable amount, I am going to buy a new laptop. It sucks, I wish this wasn’t such a shitty model.

Ugh I have decided to have a moratorium on crushes. Ha! Probably just until my next crush. No but really I think I need to focus on myself for a while. I have a shitload of career stuff I have to work on. Like a webseries and a video, besides this video game due in two weeks. Actually that doesn’t sound like so much stuff now that I think about it. I think finishing that script has reduced my workload substantially.

Oh no, I also have to write another script (short tho!) and do a Bravo Fact grant application for it. Okay, so I am still with a whole bunch on my plate. And if this secret thing goes through then there is a MAJOR project I am going to be working hard on for a while.

But I do feel like the end is in sight! Which won’t ever really come, because there will be more to do. There is always more to do. Even when I die there will probably still be unfinished projects on my laptop. Hopefully it’s a better laptop than this one.

Last night I had a super detailed dream about being entrusted with a friend’s snake, a small slim pure white snake. I don’t know what kind it was, it was cute though. My Mom was with me. We were handling it a lot because we didn’t have a tank or terrarium for it. It got really pissed off and started being bitey, so I was stopping it from biting my Mom and we were trying to find a cage it couldn’t slither out of. Finally I thought I could get it in a yogurt container if there was water in it and it slithered in. But the bottom of the container broke and it went down the drain. I got so upset because I didn’t want to be the person who failed my friend at caring for her pet. Then Mom noticed it in the cupboard. So I picked it up and then somehow found a big terrarium for it to live in for a while. Then for no reason, there was a rabbit, and opossom, and two rats in it’s terrarium with it. It was such a small snake I wasn’t worried about those animals getting eaten or killed, but I did worry about the snake. I woke up just as I was thinking I should get all those fuzzy animals out of there for it’s safety.

Today was a good day. I talked in a class at Ryerson, which involved thinking about my practice as I answered questions. I noticed two new things today. One stemmed from a question someone asked me about Alice skipping rope in Through The Looking Glass and I talked about how a lot of my early work touched on Girlhood until I made Helpless Maiden Makes an “I” Statement and got grumpy about being curated in Queer youth programs. But I do want to revisit that, the making work around the idea of Girlhood. I’m not even sure what that would look like, or how it would be different now that I am very much old (ha! late 30’s old). I mean, it’s not coming from current lived experience. BUT I do have lived experience as a tomboy kind of girl. Which is sort of interesting.

The other thing that came up today was talking about a line in Boi Oh Boi where I mention making bow and arrows as a kid and being into survival tactics and how that connects to being Butch/Two Spirit. There was a story I read a while back about how a tribe used to give children a choice between a bow and arrows or some objects commonly associated with women (a basket or sewing supplies or something) and depending on that choice is how that child would be gendered. I find that really interesting, that masculine of centre children are drawn to bow and arrows and that I was too when I was a little girl.

I remember one time (I wouldn’t do this now but it’s kind of funny and illustrative) my cousin Luke and I were kids and out in the country and we decided we were going to hunt this grouse that lived in the bush. So we got a knife from my Auntie and started following it. I honestly don’t know how we thought we could jump on and kill a grouse with our little bare hands and this kitchen knife. But that grouse was really crafty (I think it may have had babies actually just based on this) and lead us around and around in a circle until the sun was setting and we had to go back to the house. It just walked around beating it’s wings so we knew where it was, and went round and round. Round and round. We lost that knife by the way. Poor Auntie.

I also remember when Luke got the SAS Survival Manual. I bought a copy a while back actually, for a performance. I think it’s written for military people or something, but it’s like, how to build a shelter, identify venomous insects and animals, track animals, trap animals, tan hides, how to live in different climates, etc. We used to pour over that book, I remember the venomous spiders section was very popular, especially when he moved to Arizona with my other Auntie. There was a jumping spider in his living room once and we had to read up and see what it could be (it got squashed by the way, because poison!).

When I was a little girl I hung out with a lot of boys, until maybe Grade 2 or something when gender dynamics shifted and boys and girls had to play separately again. Although my boy cousins and I hung out for a long time. They took me to a lot of boy movies. I have probably mentioned this before, but one time my Auntie invited me to go with my cousins to Santa Bear Saves Christmas but when we got there we ended up at Indiana Jones or Star Trek or something. No Santa Bear for me! I wasn’t THAT put out by missing Santa Bear though I guess, because I do love Indiana Jones. Even though the colonial issues of his archaeological practice are problematic.

But when you are a kid in the 80’s hanging out with boys and the odd other tomboy, problematic isn’t a word that means anything.

Liking dudes romantically was something I half heartedly tried to fake when I got into my early teens. I think I bought a teeny bopper cute boys magazine just because my friends were into those at the time. But it didn’t take long for my boring boys taped to the wall to be replaced by a resplendent full poster of Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman! I didn’t even call myself a lesbian yet, BUT SHE WAS AWESOME! Such a baby kinkster. I couldn’t figure out why Catwoman was so exciting.

And then I hugged someone cute and not much older than me and OMFG breasts! And that was that. I had an identity.

But the tomboy thing was interesting to grow up with I guess. It’s basically how I still am. Still wear a lot of t shirts and jeans. Don’t hunt though, or even fake hunt. Ended up in a very male dominated profession. My boy cousins and I aren’t as close, because one has personal issues and the other one drives me crazy (but we get along, but he gets on my nerves). Still haven’t seen Santa Bear Saves Christmas.

I remember when I was just coming out I was really drawn to femmes, but it was confusing! Did I want to be them or fuck them? I didn’t know! I had a gender crisis, wore a lot of baby doll dresses cause it was the 90’s and then one day realized I could be involved with femmes AND be butch AND be desired! And then my first girlfriend was butch anyways so what do I know?

What’s a good end to this long post? I got into wearing men’s underwear a few years ago. Best decision of my life! They are so well made and comfortable. I don’t even own one dress anymore. Being Butch is what drew me towards having dachshunds because I wanted a masculine yet small dog. What’s more masculine than a wiener dog?

Okay, so I wrote the smallest snip of a blog post while I was at mom’s but now it is irrelevant since I am back home with my pups. We had a good time in Saskatoon I guess. Didn’t see as many people as I had hoped to see though, and Mom is coming here for Christmas so I’m not going back there until the spring or something! That’s like, six months away or something! I hung out with my friend Amy Jo and we went to Peaches with her partner Rob and ran into some other friends there on my last night.

I got to sleep in my own bed last night, which made me SO Happy because I was sleeping in my old childhood twin bed for my two weeks in Saskatoon, and it was hard! So small, PLUS two dogs.

And even better is that the terrible heat is gone, it’s way cooler and so I got to use a duvet and not just be naked like I was all of August. Naked and sweaty and sticky.

I worked really hard today! I filled out a grant application, wrote a project description, got someone to agree to be my consultant/specialist for my project, fixed up my art cv for the grant and my executive producer, filled out another form, and now I am just chilling. Worked for about six hours straight! Tomorrow I am going to work on my video game, because I need to be done by Saturday. Or closer to done anyway. I want to be done by then so I can get paid.

I was editing my resume and trying to remember dates for things. There’s kind of been a lot of stuff that has happened! I’m happy about that I guess.

Wellbutrin’s been doing well I guess. I think it will be 3 or 4 weeks on Thursday. I can’t remember now. I could look at this blog and check but blah. The seasons are changing which is making me sleepier than usual. No wonder my spirit animal is a bear, I want to hibernate for winter too. And get really fat on berries first. And hide in a cave/den.

The pups are doing well, they were happy to come home. I haven’t got their wet food yet because I’m temporarily broke, but they don’t really care anyway, which is good, and are eating their dry food.

God I really am glad the heatwaves here are done and over. That was a brutal couple of months. You know, I really REALLY resisted getting an air conditioner, but I hate to say it, I may have to next year. 🙁

I slept for 11 hours last night. Now it’s 1:32am and I am still awake. I need to get this sorted out!

OMG I’m gonna come across as such a jerk when I write this blog. But I have this thing against people commenting and liking every single thing I write on Facebook. Some people I’m okay with doing this, if we have some kind of friendship like that, or my cousins obviously, but sometimes people aren’t very close to me but they think they are. AND IT GETS WEIRD!

I’m pretty much okay with it if they don’t have a lot invested in it, like if they aren’t demanding a lot of attention. But recently someone got SO INVOLVED with my FB page and was saying some things that made me uncomfortable and I had wanted to unfriend and block for a while, especially because they said some inappropriate things about my health. And on this particular night they were making up easily 50% of my notifications (and I have a number of friends so this is really overwhelming) and I guess I finally had enough because I unfriended and blocked them. I read a Wikihow about Facebook Stalkers (I think harassers is maybe the more specific term) and I think it was written by a teenager because the solutions they were presenting were kind of ridiculous.

It’s funny though, because I felt SO weird about actually chopping them out of my Facebook life. Like, this is someone I have no interactions with outside of Facebook. And they aren’t in a position of power over me. But I still felt SO WEIRD about being the ass who just blocks someone for being annoying and harassing me even if they do think it’s positive attention.

The really funny thing though is I am sure I have been that annoying person in the past, at least when I was manic. Although when I was manic the last time was the first time Facebook became a public thing. BUT I can see why people do it. It’s just a terrible warning to me to avoid being That Person.

God forbid I be annoying! OH MAN! And also, I can totally see being into crushes way too much and being an ass. It’s terrible! I do not want to annoy people. And then that makes me feel reluctant to approach cuties because I don’t want to be ruining their social media feed by asking all kinds of questions all the time and bothering them.

Although I am generally not that kind of person anyway.

Anyway, yes, I know what it’s like to be harassed so much on social media and still feel like it would be rude to set a boundary and unfriend. But at the same time, Facebook is really my private space. It’s not really my public space, this rotten blog is my public space and you all hear private shit anyway. Twitter is public. Instagram is public although I am thinking of changing that. I have an artist page on FB, that’s public. But my personal Facebook is really just like hanging out in my living room listening to me talk shit to my friends. My tumblr is public too but has barely any original content. And I have to keep remembering that, and know that it’s okay to get people out of my FB sphere if they are making me feel unhappy and unsafe.

So I hope I am a good fb friend to my friends. I hope I don’t bother them, or if I do I bother them in the way they like. I am definitely going to try and be mindful of not being a pest.

Ha ha I’ve been looking at stats for my site and the most popular blog post BY FAR is one I wrote a long time ago called Super Labia and the title just refers to a story I wrote about how my friend who is a nurse was learning to put in a catheter and the dummy had really stiff labia.

So I thought, MAYBE I can make another blog post be popular, so I put the word clit in this title.

BUT you’ll be happy to know there actually is a story behind the title. I was reading that there is a new sex enhancing treatment for women where they inject your own plasma into your own clit to have more orgasms.

OKAY, I don’t know how they came up with that, or how long it lasts. But as someone who has had my clit hood pierced THREE times in my life, well Jesus I mean that is bad enough, I can’t imagine getting a needle in my ACTUAL clit. YIKES! No. No thanks. I am not that crazy!

Which brings me back to my check in and why I was writing this blog post in the first place.

It has been a week or so on my increased Wellbutrin dosage. It’s been a weird week, even though I’ve tried to keep it a bit quiet. I’ve been a bit weepy, and that’s starting to ease up. But before it did I got kind of crabby and irritable. Like I was really fed up with people and I’m usually pretty easy going and I was just SO CRABBY so that was weird. And I hate being crabby but also sometimes I just AM crabby and it’s usually tied to my mood disorder and especially med changes, but sometimes really it’s just because there’s a reason. BUT sometimes if I am having a med change AND someone’s pissing me off, I am so not diplomatic about it.

Also sometimes I just felt REALLY goofy. So goofy. I mean in a silly way. And I think that’s the antidepressant too, I felt pretty happy and silly about it and I’m not sure what that means. I hope it doesn’t mean hypomania and it just means being less depressed. I think the fact that it wasn’t constant is helpful.

Being bipolar is a little bit like being on a teeter totter. I’m sure you can see the metaphor without me explaining it. Or maybe a rollercoaster. It’s a weird place to be sometimes.

So I’m just tired of feeling a bit crazy often. I’ve really noticed my anxiety this past year. I recently had a form filled out which listed my diagnoses of Bipolar disorder I and Anxiety, and for both of them it said they would stay the same and not improve. AND I was just bummed out seeing that. I mean, it’s true. And it’s totally something I can live with and work with, and the meds are really good and I do have a pretty normal life, sort of. It’s just disappointing to be like, yeah, that’s a forever thing. Especially when meeting new people and trying to come across as like, a decent possible partner or work associate, and knowing because of my art practice (AND this blog with the super labias and so on) they will probably google me and find out I have this weird illness. Stigma is real. And I am an awesome worker as a filmmaker and writer, and I can be an amazing sexy sweet girlfriend. It’s just odd.

BUT I am not injecting plasma into my clit. I’m not hiding the terrible posts of my manic writings in 2007. I’m keeping myself clean and groomed and not slipping into dirty depressions with really messy stuff. I’m doing my work as an artist.

It’s kind of funny everyone loves the Super Labia post tho. I wonder why? Who knew labia could be so popular?

OH YEAH! This weird thing happened to me at my performance and screening the other night. Some woman with a baby came up after and told me I taught my kid his first swear and all about sex. And I was like, WHAT THE FUCK? (I was more diplomatic about it but in my head I was like WHAT THE FUCK?) Like I should censor my entire art practice because someone will bring a baby to my shit? WHAT THE FUCK? Get outta here with your baby if you’re offended, I used the term cum towels in the first part of my performance, surely that should clue you in. ALSO I didn’t even show the super explicit stuff. Cause I never show that stuff in Saskatchewan everyone has a cow. ANYWAY, for those who wonder, yes it’s pretty much adult themes in my work, even when there isn’t explicit sex (which there sometimes is) so think about it next time you’re going to try and guilt me because you didn’t think about your damn baby!