I wrote a good ten pages today, and they were making me laugh (and this script is a comedy so that’s a good sign!). I had fun. I’ve been feeling super productive lately, and this means in 21 more pages I will have a full first draft done. Then I go to Berlin, get time away from it, do my Entzaubert workshop and my video screening, and then come back and do some more work on it and get it to Canada Council 1 month later than intended but still pretty on time and hopefully with enough time to apply for my next grant.

I have a Toronto Art Council grant due, but that’s still gonna be late. Maybe this fall I can do it!

It looks like this film business stuff is going into motion, but it’s a meeting away and there’s still some other hoops of funding to go through, BUT if something happens I will of course finally mention it here more openly.

OMG BUT there was some exciting personal stuff that happened where I told someone my feelings and it was actually really cool and friendly and I think it will bring us closer as friends although it’s not going to turn into like, a hot and heavy relationship. But it cleared the air and made me feel a lot better. Also I feel like emotionally I have some space in my heart again in case I meet someone available. PLUS now this person and I can work together and I don’t have this distractible thought in my head.

My video game needs more work, but when I come back I can go sit with these people who are running this program and they will help me with coding stuff, so that’s some happy news. I think once that gets figured out, this game is nearly done. I just need to do some graphics for the opening, the middle, and the end, when it says what is going on. It won’t be that hard I just need to link them up.

I’ve learned a lot this year, I have more skills with GIMP (because I can’t figure out pirating Photoshop anymore since they did Creative Cloud). Did I say pirating? I meant, um, gluestick-sticking paper together.

Also since the Female Eye Film Festival Script Development program, I got some script notes the other day on Evil Fire and she gave me really constructive criticism. And I may be working on that this Fall/Winter so it was very timely and gave me a lot to think about and try to problem solve.

Ahhh I have mostly talked about my career here!

The dogs and I found a ride for Sunday. So that’s when they go to the sitter. I’m gonna miss them so much, they are my buddies. They keep me from turning too inward, because I always have to attend their needs and sometimes they interrupt me for attention, which some people find annoying but I like. Little Mister is getting old. He doesn’t like walking as fast as Posey, and I have to figure out what to do because she pulls. I think I might have to just make her walk slower. But at their dog sitter this next week they will have a fenced yard, which is good because Posey loves to run, and she can’t run on her leash.

So really, even though I worried about it all summer (so far) my projects are on track and almost on time, and I just have a couple things I still have to figure out how to make room for. And while I have been very poor, I also was able to work on my stuff almost full time this last year and eeked by. And it looks like if the stars align I will be getting paid for being a writer/artist/filmmaker this next couple of seasons (IF stars align!). I have OAC and CC grants to apply for this fall, and BravoFACT might have another deadline. Also I will find out about that Indigenous Art Award in the next year, which could be $10,000 that I can spend however I like because it’s not tied to a project. I was thinking of getting braces or a retainer. When else am I gonna have that kind of cash? Oh and probably go on vacation somewhere.

Or I could just stay poor. BUT you never know!

In a week I’m gonna be in Berlin! I’m pretty excited about it. I have a plane ticket, it wasn’t AWFUL, it was more than I budgeted for but it’s gonna be ok!

I have a dog sitter, but my ride there fell through, so now I need to get that straightened out. I have until Sunday to figure it out! Monday the dogs go and Tuesday I go, so time is ticking.

I have been having meetings, business-y meetings, and they are pretty exciting but nothing is definite yet. So I hopefully will know by the end of the week if things get the go ahead to tentatively go into motion. It’s pretty exciting. I’d love to blab more about it but I don’t want to jinx myself.

I just started a new script today for a short I want to make that might get me more directing cred. I’m hoping to apply for an OAC grant for it.

My video game is due August 18th, so the countdown is on. I need coding help, and to make a few more assets. But aside from that it’s on track I think. I need to figure out a few logic problems to how the game is going to go though.

I don’t even know why I’m writing a blog. Half the things going on in my brain or life aren’t even ready to be revealed yet. I got really into spilling my guts here, but things like romance, business, family issues, etc. can’t really be mentioned until things are more advanced or happening or official or whatever. So I feel like I come here all excited to post and then end up talking about Cinnabon!

But yeah! Berlin! 😀 I can talk about that! It’s happening soon! 😀 I’ve got myself almost all ready! It’s hard to believe I’m gonna be there soon! I haven’t been since 2012.

Anyway. BLAH! This meme currently represents my life:

This neighborhood would be perfect if there was a 24/7 Cinnabon within walking distance. Not all the way at fuckin’ Eglinton Station!

Anyway.

I started a Patreon! You can find the link at my $upport this Arti$t page here, OR HERE. Go support me if you have the disposable income and inclination! I’m taking donations monthly and have lots of rewards!

I’m sleepy. Fuck why am I writing a blog post at 1am? It’s the worst idea.

OH RIGHTZ!

Because I had a weird day with my gender today.

First of all, I hadn’t shaved my legs since 2007. Then this past spring for whatever reason I got into it again. I was shaving once a week and I only had one razor and I was poor so I hung onto it for a long time. Then finally I came into some money so I went to Shoppers today and got two super girly nailpolishes and some refillable razors and the refills. And it came up to A CRAZY AMOUNT OF MONEY! Like, way more than I had expected. I could have bought so much Indian food instead.

BUT at the same time I had wanted them for a long time, so I sucked it up and came home and was putting on this pale pink nail polish and I had to do about three or four coats to get it looking like anything.

And as I was doing this I was realizing my gender presentation is shifting from what I thought was a pretty solid butch to more futch. Like I really don’t want to go buy dresses or grow my hair or do dramatic femme stuff, but I’ve been teetering towards the middle of the spectrum for a while now and it’s been interesting. It actually pretty accurately represents my gender because I feel like I’ve been going back and forth between man and woman for a while now but I don’t think I’m ever gonna put real roots down in one or the other. But it’s just interesting to be adding more femmey aspects to myself over the last few years and seeing how that changes how I see myself. Like I still feel masculine a lot of the time, but now I have more pink in my wardrobe and do a couple of more femme-identified things like shave my legs and paint my nails.

I don’t have a good name for myself. I feel like whatever I am I want to actualize it, and I guess I am. I don’t know how far I want to go. Being between binaries is a funny way to live.

I have this butch dragon on my right arm, and these super femme flowers on my left, and I think it’s pretty much just me trying to find some kind of balance in my life. And also at the same time I have to accept that being more gender fluid means things will shift probably a few more times in my lifetime. Maybe when I am 50 I will go through a stone butch thing. Ha ha ha probably not I really like being penetrated.

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!

OMG I can’t believe I am almost 40. I’m looking forward to it. It’s just longer than I expected to live, because you know, depression. But it’s awesome. I am looking forward to growing old.

Maybe my 40’s will be my personal Futch renaissance.

Or maybe that is my late 30’s. I mean, I am only 38.

I am trying to get to Berlin, and it’s not far away. I haven’t heard back from Canada Council yet and realistically I probably won’t hear back until I get home. I applied for myself an a personal attendant to go with me, but we have half the funds right now (until the travel grant goes through and I pay Mom back) and the OTHER half is looking less and less likely to get even tho I will probably get the whole travel grant EVENTUALLY. So Mom has proposed plan B (although realistically it’s more like Plan F or G or H or something) where she lends me the 1500 and I go there alone and contact Canada Council and tell them I am not taking a personal attendant this time. Which would be fine, because I DO have a lot of friends in Berlin and I have been there numerous times and so I know the city and transit and basic stuff like that. So I wouldn’t be like, terrified to be there alone. It’s just kind of a bummer tho.

But the other hard part is finding a dog sitter for these dogs. I thought I had one but it fell through, so then I got in touch with their other sitter but she’s booked. Their OTHER sitter lives in Port Dover, which is a two hour car ride away through a few towns, BUT she’s cheaper than the kennels around here and Posey and her love each other. I am waiting to hear back about that and THEN I have to see if I can find someone willing to drive for four hours twice. There is another possibility but I think she doesn’t want to stay somewhere without air conditioning and I am poor and not about to go out and spend money I don’t have to buy an air conditioner. So it’s looking pretty dicey.

I love my dogs, I don’t want to ever get rid of them, but damn it’s hard doing art stuff out of town and organizing and paying for their sitters. Usually it basically takes up my whole artist fee anyway to pay for a dog sitter. I’m hoping I can get someone for $50 a day, because I really can’t afford much more than that. It’s not even like I go travelling very often.

Anyway that’s the Berlin update.

I cried in therapy today because I want a family and a bigger place for them with obviously a partner and it seems SO far away right now and I’m tired of it. And my therapist was really good and helped me come up with like, a five year plan to get to where I want to be in life. So I felt better. But really I think this grief about Grandpa is super fuelling this sadness about not being where I want to be in life. I mean, I guess things are looking up, I may be getting this feature film off the ground soon, which has been a goal of mine since I was like, 25. And I would have done it too if it wasn’t for this meddling Bipolar Disorder!!! *shakes fist* Oh and the woman thing.

I don’t know what it must be like to live with privilege and be told everything you do is amazing. That must be a sweet life.

Anyway, I have my dogs. They make me happy, even when they are preventing me from going overseas to do art things. I mean, maybe not AS HAPPY when that happens, but yeah, I mean, when I have kids this whole thing will happen again, just MORE INTENSE because who is gonna stay with the kids? When my Mom had to go somewhere Grandma came and looked after us, but my Mom lives two provinces away and isn’t gonna be able to come stay with my kids.

OMG fucking stress! I guess that’s why I want a partner.

See and this is why I hate having anxiety, I totally want to know HOW IS IT GONNA GO DOWN every time something new happens in my life. Where will the tickets be? Who do I have to talk to? What do they look like? Where is the ramp or stairs? Do I need ID? What forms do I need to bring? Can someone just take my arm and show me where everything is? Why aren’t there nametags at this shindig? Do I use this persons obviously fake facebook name to refer to them or are they going to laugh in my face and tell me “Bitch my name is Anne!”????

I did see that psychic in February or whatever (on the four year anniversary of seeing her TO THE DAY!) and she told me things about my future that seemed promising, but she didn’t give me certain specifics (I’m assuming because spirit can only speak in general terms) and dammit, I guess I wish I had like, a more clear timeline. Like could my next girlfriend be THE ONE if I do specific things, or is it just going to be an intensely powerful love that shatters my heart? OMG I need specifics!

But I know that’s not how the future works.

By the way there is this super WEIRD NOISE in my apartment right now and I have no idea what it is. It sounds like a dog breathing BUT also kind of metallic and fuck maybe I should just go sleep.

There’s a heatwave here. Like, so hot. SO HOT!

I went to Vancouver for the Queer Arts Festival, which was AWESOME and Paul Wong was the moderator of the roundtable I was on and asked some really tough questions I had to think about. AND called me a Video Art Superstar which was SO flattering especially coming from him! So it was good! And I saw old friends and a friend who has moved away from Toronto and had good times.

It was my first time being there as a sober person, so that was interesting, but also my friends weren’t heavy drinkers anyway so it was fine.

OMG I wrote this last night and never bothered finishing because I got distracted by a Kat Blaque live feed on fb.

And then I think I sweated and went to sleep.

And I woke up this morning and had a cool bath and felt human again.

And that was three hours ago and I went and did some errands getting toilet paper and medication and treats and NOW I am all sweaty/sticky again.

OMG so yesterday was GST day and I got not one but TWO Cinnabons and it was so good!

Ugh some little girl dog squeezed an anal gland around here and it REEKS! 🙁 Grosssssssss!

ANYWAY (later in the night, again!) I have been trying to make grown up plans today.

This kid thing is still nagging at me. I don’t want to have a kid alone tho, but I am exploring potential options. And there was an article today about how a foster agency in Ontario is doing placements of LGBTQ youth with LGBTQ affirming families/caregivers. So I went to their site and bookmarked it and am thinking when the time comes to start a family, or open up my life/my partner’s life to caring for a dependent, to possibly explore that route. Because ever since I was a teenager I thought how awesome it would be to be a foster parent for an LGBTQ youth. So many of our youth end up street involved through familial rejection and abusive homes and stuff, it would be a really good thing to provide some maternal love to someone who might not get positive interactions in the regular foster care system either.

And then I saw an ad that let me find out my credit score, which I found out isn’t that bad, it’s considered fair, and I am in the right range to be considered a low risk to be approved for a mortgage (but obviously I need a job to manage one!).

So I was doing all this grown up daydreaming. But I mean really the things I need RIGHT NOW is a partner and a job. It’s all very well to dream of mortgages and LGBTQ kids, but considering I don’t want to HAVE kids alone, I need to have someone fall in love with me (and love them back) first before all that can happen. AND I need a job before I go condo hunting. AND I need a place with at least two bedrooms before I go looking for someone to foster or adopt or sperm for my future partner’s eggs. IT’S SO COMPLICATED!

But really, honestly, I just need a job first. I worked last weekend shooting some video, which was a good gig, but not an ongoing one and I need to do something that brings in more money over a longer time. There’s some sessional jobs at OCADU I was thinking of applying for, for the fall and winter. I have applied there at least twice before but never got an interview. BUT I guess I will apply again. All the sessional jobs are asking for people with PhD’s or working towards their PhD’s but honestly I know of people who do not have PhD’s working in these departments so I know it’s not NECESSARY it’s just what everyone is asking for now since there are so many masters out there.

BLAHHHHHH!

So this weekend I am gonna work on that job application. And I am gonna work on this video game for the rest of the week. And my script. Because I gotta get that shit DONE yo!

But really I wish I was going on dates and making out with someone in their car or something. I have been having so many naughty day dreams about sexy times and it’s a little distracting, although good to know that my sex drive is normal (because sometimes it isn’t! Which is related to meds! But this med I am on is good!)!! I mean, everything works. Yay.

Well the last week was INTENSE! I presented my screenplay that I wrote at Ryerson (currently titled Evil Fire) at the Female Eye Film Festival and although people kept thinking it was a comedy (probably because I am a bit goofy when I talk I guess?) it got a lot of interest and I won Best Low Budget Screenplay! I also showed my short 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99. Which went awesomely. Such a whirlwind of events and I didn’t have time to do my laundry until yesterday when it was all over. Things got pretty lean!

Tomorrow I have another screening of the same video as part of the Toronto Queer Film Festival. So that should be awesome!

ALSO finally finally tomorrow I am going to see a Gynaecologist about this ovarian cyst which keeps growing and I want to have surgery to get it out this fall. I hate surgery. I hate going under. BUT I also hate having something growing inside me just to be an asshole. My asshole cyst. Once when I was reading this trashy magazine (fuck what was it called? OH Bizarre) there was a picture of a woman getting a 32 pound ovarian cyst removed. That is my NIGHTMARE! That’s like, bigger than both of my dogs combined! And this thing is already over five inches. So out out out!

Tonight I overcame my reluctance to go back to something I still don’t totally understand, because it’s a new skill, and worked on my video game in Unity. I’m trying to make a three part game about bipolar disorder, and I needed to work on the second part. So I put in the background, made some box colliders so my character wouldn’t spin off into space, made sure the camera follows the character, made sure the character can move around, and fixed an issue that was making my world spin around when the character got going. Now I have to scan and edit some game objects that my character can collect or try to avoid (but probably will collect anyway) and end it with the police coming to take her/him away to the psych ward. That part will just be a screen with some text and a picture of the police or a police car or something. And then I have to do the third part, which is in the hospital where you talk to other patients. That part will be tricky, because I am going to try and incorporate video. But we will see. I have until August 18th to finish it, so time is ticking, but also I got all of that done in three hours today by referencing work I had done in the first part. So I think it’s doable.

I also found out I AM going to be presenting a workshop in Berlin, and some other pieces have to fall into place, but yes it looks like I am going to Berlin this summer! So that’s exciting. I miss Berlin! I honestly think it’s my favourite city outside of Canada. I have some work to get done in time for that.

I saw my psychotherapist on Friday. I was talking about how overwhelmed I felt with all this work I have to do. Like it’s all important and it WILL get done and I am glad I am doing it. But ALSO it’s stressful to see all these deadlines and things coming up. And although I am getting paid for some of it (like I did have grants this past year) I wish I had more regular income coming in, like some steady money.

My Mom is basically in the same boat. We have all these projects and they are getting attention and accolades, but figuring out how to keep money coming in regularly is hard! I have gotten Canada Council grants before, and other grants, but the living allowance they give you is really not very much, it’s not even above the poverty line. And if you ask for too much living allowance from some grant agencies, they get all suspicious because of course you should want to put all the money into your project. But damn, I gotta eat too ya know!

Anyway, I have four eggs, half a loaf of bread, almost a whole carton of milk, some cheese, and some cereal. And I leave on Friday for Vancouver for the weekend. So I am not gonna starve just yet.

The one thing I can definitively say is that whether you are rich or poor, money is always a temporary thing, and that goes for having it or lacking it. And I know some cash is coming my way.

Honestly though, if it wasn’t for the money/feeding myself worries, I would actually have a lot of fun with this highly creative lifestyle I’ve got going on. I like working on projects, I like learning new things. And I have someone interested in producing my feature with me now! So working on multiple things is awesome. I am glad I have a wealth of ideas right now. A few times in my life my creativity has dried right up, and those have been the most depressing points of my life.

I’m trying to figure out a way to survive as a full time artist, and ideally it would involve getting my own gigs and things to keep me afloat. But my rent is subsidized and it depends on my income and so I would have to go talk to the office about fluctuating income and what they suggest. Ahhhh sigh.

In actual fact I have at least TWO possible gigs this summer, one shoot and a possible short film commission. So that’s really good. But I’m not entirely sure of the monetary rewards for doing them. The shoot might be $400 and is just a day. But the short film, I’m not sure, plus I have to pay cast and equipment and crew. So obviously I need to find out more about all of this.

But really, I just want to live off of short term projects. People put a lot of stock into having a full time permanent position somewhere, but I think personally short term projects that pay fit in with my filmmaker lifestyle better. Like, I might go away this summer for a week for a work related thing. I can’t just do that with a full time forever job.

Of course now that I’ve written this somewhere in an easily searchable corner of the internet, probably some potential employer will google me and decide I’m too risky to hire because they think I just want to bugger off.

I have a lot of creative projects on the go, that I have to finish. For instance, I have to finish this script about addictions at Christmas by July 31st, because I need to do a final report so I can apply again in the fall for MORE MONEY! I have to get two shorts about 2 Spirit life done this summer so I can apply for more Toronto Art Council grants. I have to come up with a new project and write another grant for the Ontario Art Council this fall. I have to do my Mars webseries, which needs four actors and a green screen. I have to do so damned much! AND I also need to get serious about getting development money for my Evil Fire script (Cree name “Macîskotêw”) because it’s a good project and I think it would be awesome to make, AND it’s my first feature that actually has a chance of being produced. SO THERE!

I made a list of all these things I was gonna do this week, which is mostly getting my pitch ready for next week’s Female Eye Film Festival, and writing a paragraph proposal for the short film commission (which I did!), and writing 40 pages of script for the addictions film (I wrote ONE! ONE!) and making Huevos Rancheros. So I still have a lot to do. I haven’t actually pitched in a while, not since ImagineNATIVE way back, like 2 or 3 years ago. OH YIKES and I have a videogame to finish. 1/3 done! I was gonna make all these drawings of household objects, but now I am wondering if I should cheat and use pictures of household objects. Hmmmmmmm.

++++++++++++Much later++++++++++++++

Well, I still only wrote one page of script. I kind of had a hard time being motivated this week, although I DID do a lot of arts admin stuff. AND not only that, but I came up with two totally new ideas for future projects, so that is kind of fun! I just need to get all this shit done! It’s a bit overwhelming!

Next week I have a screening, a pitch rehearsal and TWO pitches to do for the same project, and a script reading. OH and I think I am doing some kind of Q&A too. In two weeks I’m gonna be in Vancouver for a Queer Arts Festival doing a panel. So it’s a busy month ahead! This next week ESPECIALLY!

Sometimes I don’t know what to do when I feel overwhelmed. I really need to get back to making lists and goals. Two of my pals are out of town the next few weeks, so that’s a bit of a drag but I am sure they are having fun.

It’s a good life though. Being creative and working on projects is really amazing. As is having them be appreciated when they are finished.

Well, I am back in Toronto. Spent time with some friends tonight, chatting about all kinds of things including queer parenting. I’ve decided by the time I am 45 I want a wife and two kids, so now I have like, a deadline to meet.

Grief is weird. I’ve been thinking a lot about Grandpa, I didn’t see him much the last year and some because I was so far away, but we were always very close during my life time. So I think it still hasn’t sunk in that he’s gone. I found some old emails I used to send him, and his replies. They were nice to read.

I know it’s gonna hit me at some point. I haven’t had a good real hard cry about it yet. I didn’t feel safe enough to cry at Mom’s house, and I’ve only been back home not even two whole days yet. I brought back some photos of Grandpa, and Grandma. I was gonna put them up someplace. I don’t know where. There’s a nice big mostly empty wall across from the couch though.

And there was someone I really liked, in like, a romantic lesbionic way, but I never said anything and I think the moment has passed. Which is also such a true bummer. I feel like I am so full of feelings that I keep inside and it’s probably not good for me. I’m so shitty at taking risks ever since the last time I fell in love I got my heart stomped on and ghosted.

AND AHHHHH I really just want to have a partner who wants to have a family with me and get on with my career and live a good happy life. I mean, all of that is still possible. Someday. I just feel so tired of waiting for it to happen. And I always wanted my grandparents to meet my future wife, and they never did. They never met any of my girlfriends. They knew I was queer. They were supportive. I just never had anyone serious enough to introduce them to.

And that bums me out too, I’ve had a bad habit of dating white women and part of me feels like being Native means they never took me seriously as a potential partner because of their own racism. Anyway whatever, I haven’t gone on a date in a REALLY long time. I’m so picky. And the women I AM interested in aren’t usually available for whatever reason. I just don’t want to turn into my mom and be single for like, ever. I feel like I have a lot of love to give, I am just particular about who to give it to. And when you are single people decide to give you all kinds of crappy shitty advice they would never dream of following themselves, so I don’t want that either. BLARG!

But life is alright aside from grief and stuff. I still need a job, that is a bit of a bummer. I’ve got a lot of film stuff to do, and I have to finish this video game, and script, and other things. I just sent off a proposal to do a workshop in Berlin, so if I get accepted then I have to apply for a travel grant as soon as possible. It would be nice to be back there this summer.

It’s 1:10am! OMFG! I should go to sleep. Snore. My dogs are all tuckered out and sleeping, I should take them to bed.

Stanley (Stan) Cuthand
Dec 22, 1918 – May 23, 2016

Rev. Canon Stan Cuthand died peacefully after a lengthy hospital stay on May 23, 2016. Stan was born in 1918 on Little Pine First Nation, son of Harriet and Josie Cuthand. He was a survivor of the Spanish Flu epidemic at four months of age. He attended day school on Little Pine, followed by boarding house to complete high school in Prince Albert. He convocated in 1944 with a Bachelors of Theology. He worked as a priest for the Anglican Church. He met and married Christina Lennan in 1944 and they had four children, Doug, Beth, John, and Ruth. His life’s work was translating the bible into Plains Cree Roman Orthographics and Syllabics. His secular work included a stint with Indian Affairs in 1969 until 1975 when he became an assistant professor of Native Studies at the University of Manitoba. He retired to Saskatchewan and worked at the First Nations University of Canada (S.I.F.C.) and Saskatchewan Indian Cultural Centre. He taught until he was 80 years old, he enjoyed his students immensely. His greatest reward in teaching was getting the students to think for themselves. He was computer literate, his file names were all in Cree and he enjoyed his Facebook page to keep up with his many relations. He lead an active and healthy life and was a loving, funny, devoted husband, father, and grandfather.
Stan was predeceased by his parents, Harriet and Josie Cuthand, brothers Aaron, Adam, and Issac, sisters Beatrice, and Jean, childhood friend and cousin Smith Atimoyoo, grandson Christopher, and beloved wife Christina.
He is survived by his four children Doug (Pauline), Beth (Gerry William), John (Eileen), and Ruth. Grandchildren Lorne (Marcella), Steven Paul, Lisa George, Sky, Luke Morrisseau, Thirza, Shawn, Deanna, Sharlene, Shannon, and Jenny. Great Grandchildren Danielle, Jordan, Taylor, and Kristjan Paul. As well as numerous nephews and nieces.
The family would like to thank the staff at Stonebridge Crossing, and St. Pauls Hospital, for caring for our loved one so well.
The Memorial will be at Acadia McKague’s Funeral Centre in Saskatoon on Wednesday May 25th at 2pm. Wake will be held Thursday evening at Little Pine First Nations Elders Hall, and Funeral on Friday May 27th 2pm at the Elder Hall. Feast to follow.
In lieu of flowers donations may be made to the Stan Cuthand Scholarship.

Waiting at home for a phone call which MIGHT not even come tonight. We were told today that death would happen soon, but no one can give exact estimates and “soon” is a very vague term. I spent six hours in Grandpa’s hospital room with my family this afternoon and finally we got so tired some of us left and are trying to get back into having shifts of people staying with him. I’ve been up 12 hours, which isn’t so long but I have been sleep deprived because people do their laundry in the morning which is right next to my room and my dogs go apeshit and wake me up so really I’ve probably been sleeping about seven hours a night for three weeks. It’s very exhausting because I need way more sleep, like ten hours a night, just because that’s the way I have been my whole life.

I think I am moving into the Angry phase of whatever this grieving process is. I’m easily fed up with people online, especially the way they say nice words but it doesn’t really mean anything cause they aren’t coming by with food or something more useful, I’m wondering why our family seems to be doing this alone except for the people at the hospital, I’m super mad at the hospital for ignoring our wishes so long and working like they were trying to save him when we clearly wanted palliative care and said so over and over and he didn’t get assessed for palliative care for a week after he was admitted. I feel the clear need to have a living will for myself because he didn’t have one like Grandma did and we’ve had to talk about things the doctors have suggested like feeding tubes and iv fluids and other unnecessary things that would prolong death. I am irritated that I feel like I can’t openly talk about this whole process because it would annoy some family members and OVERALL I am angry at society for making dying so taboo that it isn’t talked about in our education system or society so people have to go seeking out information when it finally presents itself. And I’ve been trying to apply for a job back in Toronto that I would be really good at but the organization in charge of funding it isn’t being compassionate at all about the fact I am out of province for my Grandfather’s death and can’t sign a paper in the office in front of someone. So there are a lot of things pissing me off and I feel like I’m going to be stuck in Saskatoon forever and never get off welfare and never be able to grieve properly. And there are some issues with persons with addictions in my family who are of course not handling this in a healthy way. But none of us are really handling it well cause it’s oncoming death and we aren’t given resources to support ourselves through this and it just seems to be us not wanting him to ever be alone even at night which is really wearing us out.

That’s a long list of things to be angry about.

My only time alone is late at night like right now. Aside from that people are with me ALL THE TIME and for an introvert like me it is really hard to not be able to recharge by listening to my tunes and dinking around on the internet. And the worst part is as a bipolar person I have been taught all about how important self care is and being an advocate for my own mental health, but when someone is dying it becomes all about THEM and I feel like a shitbag for being stressed to my limits and needing to take up my own space and time for myself. I really really want to go home and I can’t until after the funeral and we cleaned out his apartment so at least I don’t have to deal with that cause I know if we had waited I would have to stay longer after the funeral to help out. My Mom’s house is PACKED with people right now, there are five of us staying here and that isn’t including the downstairs tenant. And four dogs, and two of the people here are smokers so they go in and out all the time and Little Mister is ever vigilant and barks every time and I get so fed up with all of them I wanna be like “Shut up Mister, and YOU stop freakin’ smoking or stay outside!” OMG! I think of all kinds of things I want to yell at people but I don’t but I want to and honestly I have so many cutting remarks going through my mind that I’m not saying.

And I miss walking my dogs, cause we have no energy to do anything outside of all this hospitaling we are doing. We don’t even have energy to cook, so we are eating out a lot, and I am fucking sick of FUCKING TIM HORTONS!

And I feel pressured to be so fucking grateful for anything, for the fact I am still alive, for having time with my family, to be this perfect family member for a dying person and do everything properly so we don’t bring shame onto the family.

OMG THE PHONE JUST RANG!

Oooookay and the person who answered it didn’t tell us what it was about. So I have gone to bed. If I find out from Facebook that my Grandpa died I’m gonna be SO PUT OUT!