Tonight there erupted a scene of immense chaos. My nephew is deeply invested (and has been his whole life) in a stuffed frog named Froggy. Anyway, after sleeping a while tonight he wakes up and wants Froggy and Froggy is momentarily missing and much crying and screaming and shrieking ensues. Meanwhile I am trying to poop in the bathroom and Posey gets distressed and starts barking and barking and barking with her squeaky girl dog voice and I am yelling at her trying to get her to be quiet but she won’t listen to me through the door and so I open the door to try and get her to come in and be quiet but she won’t and she just runs past barking and barking and my nephew is still screaming and his dad is yelling at everyone to be quiet and mom’s dog Neville is barking and I’m yelling. And FINALLY I am done with the toilet and I go shut Posey up and Froggy is found! Peace is restored to the land!

Oh man.

The funny thing is meanwhile I am having these little fanciful thoughts of MAYBE having children after swearing I never ever would. Of course I have had an ablation so I have no endometrial lining and can’t carry children. BUT I do have eggs so I was wondering if I could get my eggs retrieved and fertilized and implanted in someone else’s uterus (a partner? I guess so but I don’t even have one of those!). I thought it would be like penguins, when the mother passes the egg to the father. So I did some Googling and it turns out egg retrieval, freezing, and test tube babymaking runs into thousands and thousands of dollars. That almost made me regret my ablation. But lets be real, even if I still could house a fetus in my uterus I am utterly terrified and horrified by the idea of giving birth, so it’s just as well that option is gone.

No, I don’t want to give birth, I just want to like, have this totally sweet little baby to raise WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And of course it would be better than everyone else’s children because I would raise it right. But ALSO I don’t have someone else, which puts another kink in my plans. Because I’ve seen my mom trying to raise two children as a single parent and it was hard! And she had SKY! Which made it even more harsh. And of course me all undiagnosed my whole childhood and having major suicidal depressive episodes brought on by shithead children/peers bullying me at school AND genes skewed for bipolar disorder. UGH!

And that’s kinda the thing complicating passing my actual genes on is I KNOW the kid would have some mental health issues and I would feel really guilty if I had made someone else whose brain also made them want to die for no real good reason. Little Lemminghead Child. And that’s basically what I told my gynaecologist when we decided on me getting an ablation because my periods bled so damned much it looked like a murder scene in my bed every month.

BUT there are other options, like I could find some other woman who wants to bear and raise children with me and have a kid that way. Or adoption. Or fostering. Or stealing a baby. Just kidding on that last one, I wouldn’t!

So anyway, this whole fanciful baby daydream has been a complete surprise, and I still need to find a partner before I feel comfortable doing that.

ALSO I have started seriously contemplating doing a PhD. Is serious the right word? I don’t want to apply this January, I’m not ready for next fall. But maybe within the next three or four years. Which means I need to keep my student loan in good standing by making minimum payments. ALSO I would have to find a way to fund my PhD. ALSO it’s a lot of work. And I had no life during my Masters. BUT I also lived in a basement apartment during my whole Masters, which was brutal. Maybe having access to things like sunlight would improve my outcomes in a doctoral program.

I used to want to do the History of Consciousness program at University of California Santa Cruz. But I recently checked it out and basically I would need half a million dollars to do it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have immediate access to that kind of money.

There are some programs I might like in Toronto. York has a media studies PhD, and there’s the Communications and Culture program with York and Ryerson that has a PhD. But really I don’t know. I think I need to think a bit more before making the leap.

So those are the two surprising things that I have been thinking about. I guess I have been thinking about other things too, like current crusholas and career stuff, but that’s not as potentially life changing as getting into a PhD program and having a baby. ALTHOUGH probably having a partner would make the first two things more conceivable than doing them on my own.

I did a tarot reading for the year ahead and I’m supposed to get into a relationship. So that’s promising. But aside from that it’s more of the same, starts out with lots of career stuff and ends with a Fall full of poverty and uncertainty. What else is new?

I’m applying for teaching jobs, I got turned down for one at OCAD but this time they actually cared enough to send an email saying I wasn’t getting an interview. So that’s good? Better than last time when they just didn’t say anything. I’m getting a more robust application together for ANOTHER teaching job so I hope that pans out. Really I just want one sessional gig so that I can start building up teaching experience and hopefully be more ready to apply for tenure track positions. There were some tenure track positions coming up at University of California at Riverside, which I have actually been to in the past to show my videos, and I would have been good, EXCEPT I didn’t feel ready enough to apply anyway. Because I think I do need some sessional classes under my belt before even trying to get tenure track jobs.

So, children and Phud. Both of which potentially cost thousands and thousands of dollars. I won $120 on a fifty cent bet at the casino the other day. Maybe it’s the start of some wealthy luck.

I really do want a partner before doing all of this tho. My psychic said I would be one of those people who finds someone to be with for the rest of my life. That is terribly appealing. I’m tired of all the hook ups I have had in my youth where I felt so disposable. UGH! I know I could be a good partner to someone. I just don’t know who.

There was a lesbian waitress tonight who was clearly into me. But she lives in Saskatoon, and I live in Toronto. It was over even before she brought my coconut chicken curry.

I’ve been paying attention to celebrities and artists who are using things like Patreon and social media to launch careers. I’m not sure I am as famous as the guy who does duck parenting comics, and I am sure as hell not as famous as Amanda Palmer, BUT I am thinking I need to figure out how to bring more income into my life by doing work for the internet.

I have realized I really need to step up my game if I want to get enough of a fan base to get clicks and so forth. I don’t even really know how to monetize my life. I do all this blogging here, but I don’t know if enough people are really interested in it to throw coins in my virtual hat. Plus, while I sometimes write more opinion based posts from time to time, I am aware this is a fairly navel-gazing blog. Which is kind of the point really. I mean, I did get two degrees, sobriety, fall in and out of love a few times during the course of this blog, and have a really public manic episode. So sometimes that is interesting to people. Also it is handy because I can look at posts from the past to remember important details. Like how long it takes for a grant from Canada Council to get direct deposited.

But honestly I think the most appealing thing I do is make videos, the only problem is a lot of the high falutin’ festivals don’t like to screen work that has been shown online without a privacy protected password. And that means any of my really really good stuff doesn’t actually get shown publicly online until it’s gone through the festival circuit, which can take about two years. I could make youtube videos specifically for youtube on various topics I guess. BUT that doesn’t totally appeal to me either. I’m making a webseries right now. Which IS being made specifically to be released on the internet. It makes me wonder if I should try to continue it after the first season, because it was just written to be a one season thing. Hmmmmm.

Either way, I feel like I need to step up my game. My friend Irene keeps saying I should make videos about various silly stories I tell her from my life, which does make sense. I’m not sure what is holding me back. I think I need to accept that different videos need different distribution methods. Like 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 is going to festivals, and I’m working on a script I want to get a theatrical release for, and this webseries is obviously gonna be on the web, and this Christmas “special” about addiction I am also working on might be good for television except I’m not sure that’s allowed in my Canada Council rules. BUT I am sure it will find a home somehow.

When I was younger I really just wanted to be a famous feature film director. Which I still want, but the internet has really changed things. And television has gotten more attractive to me to. And now I am realizing you can do all kinds of things and not just be one type of filmmaker/video artist/whatever.

Either way, NONE of that matters if I don’t figure out a way to make a somewhat stable income. I have a good track record with getting grants, but there’s a limit to how many you can get. And it sucks if you are relying on one and don’t get it. AND basically I would just like to get more money flowing. Through legal means.

Well, there is the Lotto Max draw tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to.

But really, if I had a patreon account (which I do but I haven’t launched it yet) would people be my patrons?

I’m in Saskatoon! I’ve seen my Mom, cousin, Grandpa, sister, Dad, and other Grandma who helped me by giving me her Residential School Personal Education Credits when I did school. It’s been a nice visit so far, I haven’t seen any of my friends yet, for whatever reason. I always think I will see lots of them and then I get here and I don’t really. I think the whole sober thing still throws people off. Sometimes I don’t mind going to bars, but honestly sometimes drunks are really fuckin’ obnoxious to be around, especially in straight jock bars.
OMG baby Posey found the companion squeaky to her blue bird, a purple walrus, and is joyfully squeaking it around the house. She’s so cute!
Speaking of cute, she is getting WAY better! Her and Little Mister aren’t trying to attack Steven like they were last time I was here. She is getting way better, not barking obsessively at visitors, I don’t have to worry about her so much. She’s turning into a good girl! Whew! Because she was kind of rotten as a baby. I mean, not to me, but to strangers and visitors. She’s adorable though, totally sweet and snuggly and I’ve long wanted her softie side to be more apparent to others.
I haven’t done much work on my script while I have been here, in fact none at all. I really should do something. I worked on it on the plane, but since then nothing! HOWEVER since it’s about Christmas, in Saskatoon, with a Native family, I have been making mental notes this whole time. I need more tension for sure. It’s about being tempted to fall off the wagon on the first sober Christmas, but I don’t think it’s coming through yet.
My reserve is giving us $200 bonuses for Christmas! 🙂 We pick them up on Thursday. Mister is getting groomed the next day with part of my bonus. He’s gonna look SO GOOD! I think he needs his ears shaved. BUT maybe they can save his long locks, he looks good with long fur on his ears and most of the rest shaved. His tail is always long tho. It’s beautiful!
I’m still looking for a job and stuff back in Toronto. Really I just want something part time. We’ll see. I did get a small grant, and I might get another bigger grant. I’m not sure when those results are out, but if it’s sent in the mail I won’t get it until January 11th anyway!
I have to get my videos to my distributors. I have to get 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 to a screening in San Francisco this January. Through The Looking Glass is playing at EMMEDIA in January too. I’m still waiting to hear back from some other festivals, but I think I won’t know for a while yet.
I did have something else I wanted to write about, but I honestly can’t remember it now.

The pups are ok! Little Mister gave me a concern for a second, but right now they are all back to normal and Posey has taken all her medication.

I’ve been doing good! I have written over 1000 words in the last two days, which is getting me back on track with my script process. I need to get this outline done before I leave, and then hopefully do a couple more drafts before I get back. Also I got asked to apply for a job for next year which I think I would be really awesome at. Actually a prof from my last semester gave the person who contacted me my email, which was really sweet because I didn’t know she thought of me that favourably. So I’m gonna get my resume all polished up and ready to go. It won’t be for a while yet.

If that works out it will open the door for me getting more jobs in that field, which would significantly improve my financial outlook. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I would talk more about it but I don’t want to jinx it!

I’ve been submitting 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 to a whole bunch of festivals. Which means I’ve been paying some entry fees. So far I haven’t had to pay any crazy entry fees, just small sums here and there. But I hope it works out! Actually a festival in Palm Springs requested to screen it in March! I didn’t even submit it there, the programmer saw it and wanted it. And it’s been accepted to another couple of festivals, one in Toronto and another elsewhere in Ontario. And I believe it is showing in San Francisco in February or something? I also found out an older film of mine, Madness In Four Actions, will screen in France sometime soon. So I have to get my shit together around that. I need to back up my laptop too actually. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. It takes at least 4 hours to copy everything onto one of my hard drives. I’ve got about 6TB worth of external hard drive space and I haven’t utilized it as well as I should.

I really like my career. I’ve been doing it since I was 16 and I am still totally into it. I like that my challenges are getting bigger and better. There’s a chance I might be able to get some significant development money for the script I wrote for my thesis project. I really hope so! I still need to find a producer. I’ve spoken about it here and there when I’m at festivals and they ask what my next projects are, and it keeps getting a really interested response from people. I know SOMEONE is gonna want to be involved. It’s just difficult. I need to find a Telefilm approved producer because they want producers to have made a certain amount of work within the last two years. And from what I understand the list is very short. I should ask my friend again, she had a list of people she knew were approved. But really, the gatekeeping for making a feature film is pretty weird. The realistic thing is for me to get a microbudget feature made, BUT this project is NOT possible with a microbudget. What a headache.

I’m going home for Christmas soon! December 10th! I’m excited to see some of my friends! And my family! And the pups are coming with me. I’m getting more used to having them on the plane. When we went the first time I was so worried, but Westjet does a good job with pets.

Anyway, it’s late, I guess I should go to bed!

Posey is doing a lot better today. She had a runny poop this morning, but it wasn’t all bloody like yesterday. She didn’t eat most of yesterday, BUT she has eaten today. I’ve been following her around waiting for her to have another poop, but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been telling her to poop. But she isn’t listening.
However, she is a lot happier, and is jumping around and snuggling like normal. She kind of threw up early this morning, but it was mostly mucus. I think she would be in distress if something more serious was going on. BUT I do really want her to have a poop. There was one poop earlier, but I think it was Little Mister’s. I wish I knew how long it takes for food to go through their systems. I guess that’s what google’s for.

Around 1pm I found a bloody stool on one of the puppy pads the dogs use. The problem with having two dogs is that you won’t know which one had the bad poop until you see them do it again. But for whatever reason, I had a hunch it was Posey. So I started watching her, and called the vet and got an appointment for 5pm for which ever dog was having bad poops. I saw her going back there and having another bad poop, and then she had this terrible bloody watery diarrhea dripping from her bum for a while. I had a hard time waiting for her vet appointment. Especially since she was so obviously unhappy, and starting to retch, and I was getting really worried about her.
So at 4:30 I went to the vet, even though we just sat there for a half hour before her appointment. She was unhappy. The vet gave her a good exam, checked her belly in case there was an obstruction (she decided there isn’t), and gave her a rectal exam and took her temperature. She has a bit of a fever. The reasons for her bloody stool are varied! She could have gotten worms from snuffling at the ground on our walks. She could have eaten something that hurt her tummy. We don’t really know. But she has a dewormer and an antibiotic that also does something else.
They are both liquids and so far she is doing TERRIBLE at taking them, she tries to spit as much out as possible, so clearly I have to brush up on how to administer it better. One is a 3ml dose which is A LOT for a small dog. I would mix it up with food, but right now her tummy is so bad that she doesn’t want to eat her dinner. They sent her home with some canned wet food for gastrointestinal problems. But she is so unhappy that Little Mister ate her supper.
So I’m worried about her, but she is doing a bit better. She is still pooping blood, but they said that would happen for a while, and hopefully tomorrow she will start doing better. She’s gotten blood, barf, and shit on me, and at this point I have stopped changing my clothes. I really hope she doesn’t get any gross stuff on the bed, BUT if she does I will just have to do some laundry I guess.
Little Mister is perfectly fine. He’s been having a regular day, barking out the window, sleeping on the couch, walking around wagging his tail. He was sad when Posey left to go to the vet, but he was very happy when she returned.
I hope she feels better tomorrow. If she keeps getting worse I have to take her back. I think she will get better tho. I hope so!

So eleven days after I got back from Paris with my Mom, the whole terror attack thing happens. Which made all those soldiers doing patrols through the city make a lot more sense (though they were still creepy to see, and in the end not at the places that got targeted). I had a couple of friends who were in Paris when it happened, but they were safe, as were the people we knew who lived there. My friend Rolf actually lives in the neighborhood where the shootings were, so I’m glad he didn’t go out that night.

And then a whole bunch of shit happened on facebook with people being mad at other people about how they were reacting and it got really tiresome and for a while I was just like “UGH!” every time I was on facebook. And I don’t mean people being mad at racists, I mean people on the left being super irritating. Even leftists can be assholes.

Anyway! UGH! There’s not a whole lot I can do about the whole thing besides being anti-racist and vocal about being against Islamophobia. Atheists got a bit annoying too. That whole “Let’s ban all religions!” thing. Oh man shut up! Overwhelmingly the Muslim communities don’t agree with ISIS anyway! Just like overwhelmingly Christians find Westboro Baptist Church odious.

People keep adding me to Atheist groups on Facebook, but I don’t actually identify as an Atheist. I kind of do believe in God, but probably not as most people assume God to be. Like I don’t imagine this one big omnipotent being in a cloud somewhere. Or a male or female God. I had this huge realization about God when I had my first manic episode, but everyone kind of made fun of me for it so it seems weird to talk about now EVEN THOUGH I still believe it to be true. I just think we are all God. Like I am God, and you are God, and we are all having this experience to learn how to be a better being in the end. It’s really simple. And my dog Posey is God, and so is Mister, and the tree outside is God, and the birds, etc. Stars. Aliens. The Moon. My Mom.

And when my Grandma was dying all these spirits were coming into the room of people and animals she knew in her lifetime to take her away, so I also have a hard time believing that there is NOTHING after death.

But sometimes the Atheist groups post something I find funny, which is probably the only reason I don’t remove myself. Like Jesus shooing away the dinosaur, that is cute. I will repost that!

I’ve been slacking! Well, it’s probably because I had a lot going on. I mean, the only real thing I have been slacking with is my scriptwriting. Instead I finished a video, wrote two grants, and went to Paris. But I have to get back into some kind of writing routine. Cause right now it SUCKS ASS!

I was going to Jet Fuel and writing every morning with Louis, back when we were still friends, but I haven’t been since the falling out. Which is too bad because they made an awesome latte. Instead my morning routine consists of facebooking, drinking french press coffee, and then taking pups on their walk. Nothing about writing. It’s terrible! I mean, the coffee and dog walking is pretty much essential, but the facebooking could be curbed I guess.

I really just need to sit my ass down in front of my laptop and write and write and write.

I think I have a bit of a block. I’m just doing the outline for my Skunk Cousins Christmas script, but the tension within the plot is not built up enough. It’s all about addiction and the first sober Christmas of this main character. Hmmmm.

I guess that means I have to think about my sobriety a lot more than I have lately. I haven’t even gone to an NA meeting or a support group in over a year. Not since I lived in Saskatoon. I used to go to concurrent disorders support groups all the time. It really helped. But this last year was all about school and just keeping my head above water. And so for whatever reason I wasn’t really concerned with my sobriety. It just became another facet of my life that I didn’t think too much about.

When I was still using, Christmas Day was, even though it was super family oriented ALWAYS, ALSO a heavy drinking day. And of course there was the one Christmas day my cuz and I waited around for our dealer. WHO DEALS ON CHRISTMAS DAY???? OMG! Only a superhero, if you are an addict. My dealer the superhero. We waited for hours, but then when our drugs finally came we were like, so happy. And of course meanwhile the family is getting together trying to be cheerful. I don’t remember my first sober Christmas. I think it went ok. I mean, mostly the people getting loaded at Mom’s house was just myself and maybe a cousin or too. Mom could have baileys in her coffee and wine at dinner, but she didn’t go all out like me.

And then another part of me wonders how much Saskatoon is implicated in all of this. I had vague realizations that Saskatoon is a heavy drinking city. But I really didn’t notice until my cuz Deanna went back from Victoria recently and made the observation that she has drank more times in her short time there than her six months or whatever in Victoria where she only drank four times. And it’s true! People drink a lot more there. There’s not much else to do. It’s just the culture of the city.

But I did get sober in Saskatoon, so it is POSSIBLE to come out of that drinking mindset and move on.

I’ve noticed this thing with couples. When one quits smoking, usually the other one has to as well, or it won’t work. They will just bum a smoke off their partner and go back to smoking. I’ve noticed couples have a really hard time quitting because of that. That’s sort of the premise of my script too, which is that it is difficult (though not impossible) to quit using when you are surrounded and close to addicts and alcoholics. It’s just always available and there and so easy to just fall off the wagon. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO. But very few people will just cut off all of their relatives who are using or drinking. I mean, I love my cousins, and I do hang out with them even when they are using and drinking and what not. Maybe it doesn’t tempt me anymore. It used to.

I’ve had a couple of drinking dreams lately. I don’t know why, I don’t miss being drunk. I miss craft beer, but I don’t miss puking on the ground or the floor or someone else’s penthouse.

There was this saying in my concurrent disorders support group where they say “Play the tape to the end.” And it means if you are wistfully reminiscing about your addiction, you should remember the consequences of that action. Because really I did get myself into some super shitty situations through my drinking and drug use. I lost a $30,000 a year job. I lost affordable housing. I once had to pay hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket home after I missed my flight from getting too drunk in a foreign country. UGH! I lost my favorite bunnyhug TWICE! Once when I was on E and another time when I puked all over someone’s place. Ha ha I guess the bunnyhug isn’t so awful. BUT IT WAS! It was made of lambswool and blue and had a zip up the front, it was the best one ever. I bought it twice it was so nice, and then I could never find it again.

Ha ha, so these are all the things I have to think about in relation to my script.

I’m gonna write for four hours at the very least tomorrow! That is my goal. Actually writing this tonight has sort of helped with my thoughts around the subject.

Well, my trip to Paris was amazing! We saw all kinds of sights, Versailles, the exterior of the Moulin Rouge, some crazy sex store street (on the way to Moulin Rouge from Pigalle), took a “petite train” through Montmartre, saw these trios of armed soldiers walking around about four different places (which was super creepy), the Eiffel tower, went on a bus tour of Paris and a ghost tour that met in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral. Saw the Thinker’s back from the top of our bus, the Arc De Triomphe, a golden flame above the tunnel Princess Diana died in. We found out practically every square used to have public beheadings. Fell in love with Jordan’s 4 Noix cereal (and brought some home). Mom rode the back of a scooter up the street where we stayed, being driven by one of our hosts! My video screened to a huge audience and it went really well. We saw some excellent films, found out that French lesbians learned the word Dandelion from Orange Is The New Black.

It was a good trip! I had some good and bad dreams, good and bad sleeps. Mom is a snorer, so I brought ear plugs, and for the most part when I wore them I was ok. Our plane on the way to Paris was awful, we didn’t have seat back video screens, so we just had to watch whatever was on the main screen, no wifi, no power outlets, ugh! And cramped quarters. But coming back we had a great plane! No wifi or power either, but at least we could pick what we wanted to see. I watched The Clouds of Sils Maria, and Bessie.

Travelling with Mom was a bit weird, especially because she’s got a bad knee so it limited her mobility. But ultimately it was good, because she is more assertive than me and asked strangers questions like how to find Jim Morrison’s grave because we were at Pere Lachaise and had limited time to see it before my roundtable at the festival. Oh yeah, so we saw his grave. It was my second time seeing it. She was good at attempting to talk in French. Mostly we noticed when we tried to talk in French people had no clue what we were saying. Or were being snotty, one or the other.

I had a good time at the festival! I was amazed how many older women attended. They seemed to be people who had attended for many many years. We weren’t really supposed to take pictures, so I didn’t take many there, just a selfie of me in the audience at my screening. I saw a couple of hotties, but I only talked to one, and the other one I just admired from afar.

They put cheese on everything it seems! It got kind of overwhelming! I also started thinking in French, which was a little trippy but not surprising.

Where to next? Well, if I get my script into the script station at Berlinale I’ll go to Berlin in February. I am also going to apply for a residency just outside of Glasgow, Scotland, which would happen next summer. So those are all maybes. I am for sure going to Saskatoon for a month in Dec-Jan. It will be nice to see old friends and my family and Grandpa!

I missed my dogs a lot. But I have a really good dog sitter, Amethyst, so they were in good hands and I wasn’t worried and got cute photos of them now and then.

I got back yesterday around suppertime. Had a good sleep, sent mom to the airport to go back to Saskatoon. Today I picked up mail at the post office, walked pups, ate leftover pizza, and just basked in the happiness of being back home!

So Grad went well! I have a degree! It looks very nice, way better than the one I got for my BFA, I might even frame this one. After that was a small reception, I filled up on chicken things and then we rushed to my screening. It wasn’t packed, which I was expecting because it was conflicting with the Canadian Shorts program. BUT the people who saw my video really liked it, so that was nice.

ImagineNATIVE was fun and I saw a lot of good films and visited with lots of people and it was nice to be there with Mom.

BUT on Mom’s last night in town we went to a friends house, and he got offended by her in the hour and a half we were there and after we got back to my house he called me up to yell at me about it. I got him off the phone saying she was in the other room and I couldn’t talk. Then he called me twice in a row and sent a text ordering me to pick up the phone, which obviously I didn’t because I could see this all going sideways and it was my last night with my Mom (until tomorrow when she comes back to go with me to Paris). So THEN he sends this really angry call out to me and my mom mostly addressed to her where he accused her of all kinds of things, most of which I really didn’t see happening. I thought he stepped over the line by attacking my mom, so we didn’t read the message until the next day after she got home. I sent him a long email explaining that he was out of line, that his call outs were getting inappropriate, that my relationship with my mom was more important than my relationship with him, and that he could keep calling out all the people he wants but he will be very lonely. Also I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. Then he fires back this “who the fuck cares” email, then like, two or three more angry aggressive emails, some in all caps and one where he called me a coward (I guess because I didn’t hate on my mom like he wanted me to). I don’t respond because I just want him to back the fuck off and go away. So a few days pass, I made a status saying we weren’t friends anymore and if people wanted to know more they could pm me. So a few people did, and everyone was appalled that he would attack my mom like that.

I honestly thought, no, maybe hoped, that that would be the end of it. But then on Friday he sent me this creepy drawing with the email title “a message from your grandma” who of course if you are following this blog you will know died in December of last year. So I was furious. This was just yet another line he crossed, and a creepy fucked up line to cross too. So I made a facebook status about it and friends were even more appalled and I got some people checking in with me and telling me about experiences with stalkers. And I asked a couple of other friends about how to deal with harrassment and they gave me the low down on dealing with the cops should I need to take it that far. I didn’t want to see his bullshit in my email inbox so right now it is sitting in a seperate folder called “Louis Evidence” and I have blocked his email addresses so that if I get something from him it will go to spam and not ruin my day.

I have blocked him on facebook and instagram, and if I knew which tumblr his was I would block it too but all I know is that it’s a porn tumblr. I have a few porn tumblrs following mine, oddly enough (I like never post porn on my tumblr so I don’t know why they follow me), so I’m not really inclined to go through my followers and block them all. BUT I mostly reblog things on my tumblr, and this is the only space where I talk about my life. Once in a while I talk about things on my tumblr but it’s pretty rare. I know I saw someone else who was getting stalked and wrote very publically about it on her blog, so if this continues I’m going to be pretty open about what is going on here.

So yeah, that was my fucked up week, after what was a pretty awesome week. On the other hand I know who my friends are now, and have gotten some really good support from my community. Especially my community back in Saskatoon, which is sort of heartwarming, especially since Louis called it a shitass town in that aggressive message he wrote to my mom. Like, yeah, slam my mom AND my hometown and then be surprised I don’t want to be your friend anymore? Jesus Christ on a cracker!

Also to be honest, this is part of a pattern of behaviour from him. And it needs to end. And if the only way to end it is by not engaging with him at all, then so be it. I saw him at the Peaches concert and he looked at me but I just kept walking. OH YEAH I saw Peaches!

Peaches was awesome! A highlight of my week! I went with my friend Margaret, who I didn’t know was going until the day of the concert because I was supposed to go with Louis. Margaret was lots of fun! I always like hanging out with her! 🙂 We used to date and also have lots of best friend history. She got me through some dark nights back in Vancouver. One of my favorite people!

Things are ultimately good though. I am going to Paris in less than 48 hours and I have tickets to go back to my shitass hometown (Saskatoon don’t worry I don’t think of you that way!) for a month at Christmas! With my dogs! 🙂

SEE two smiley faces in this crazy sideways post, life’s not all bad! ALSO Parisien Lesbians, need I say more?? 😉