I had a couple crappy days in a row. I don’t even know why, negative things kind of dog piled on me and I got really irritated and depressed temporarily. Yesterday I had a couple of festival rejections that just pissed me off, and normally I don’t care, and I don’t even think either of them would have seriously advanced my career. But they pissed me off anyway.

And then I was trying to shake off my intense crabbiness today, but then I got THE WORST welfare intake worker I have EVER had. Like she practically accused me of still getting student loans AND disability from Saskatchewan all at the same time right up until now and was really aggressive about things and told me I would have to move because they only give 375 a month for rent. OK lady, where in Toronto can anyone pay 375 a month for rent? Like, in a shed in someone’s backyard rooming with some raccoons? Also it would cost me 500 to move all my stuff AND not to mention first and last months rent. Man, SHE WAS THE WORST! And at certain points I just wanted to be like “That’s none of your business!” ha ha. Awww man and she didn’t even take notes well, she was writing all this stuff down on a teeny tiny post it note. SERIOUSLY! And really I am just signing up because I have no money until I get a job. Whenever that is. But I don’t want to be on welfare, it’s the worst. The only good thing is she’s just an intake worker and not my actual caseworker who I hope is not also an asshole. ALSO she is demanding a letter from my life insurance provider saying how much the cash value is of my policy. So annoying. She’s the worst, where do they find these people?

But I know it’s not her, she’s THE SYSTEM! The system sucks. And they’re gonna monitor my bank account as long as I am on welfare which also sucks. What nosey systems. Which is why I really want this to be max a two month situation. I couldn’t stand it longer than that.

So that bummed me out today. As if applying for welfare isn’t a bummer enough as it is.

But then I got to see my friends Riki and Shavonne today and we went to the farm and saw some pigs and goats and various other animals. And we had barbecue at Riki’s. And then I came home to some happy pups. Who WEREN’T barking when I came into the courtyard, so they got extra tummy rubs for being good pups. And tomorrow I go to see my psychotherapist. So that’s nice. And I’m trading a toilet brush for a chocolate bar (its brand new and I have two others). And my dog Posey is super farty right now. WHEW!

Mostly though I am looking forward to life improving. I want to grow a fuchsia in my sun porch this summer. I like fuchsias. I want to kiss someone this summer. I want to take the pups to a beach this summer. I sometimes get confused what season I am in and if winter is coming or going, but even though we had such a mild winter I am still ready for a definite summer to come along. I want A JOB this summer! Something that gives me a decent income.

Anyway, Spring is just starting, so there’s still a ways to go. And my birthday is next month. With any luck I will be working on my birthday.

As frivolous as it may sound I might take Little Mister to the groomer when I get paid. He’s getting shaggy. He needs a trim. He’s peeing on his tummy fur.

Well, I took the Census test. I think I did well. We will see! I’ve also applied for other jobs, some of which are more appealing than others. I applied for one today that would be totally awesome. I found out this job I had been told about got filled by someone who was already working for that place, SO it never got posted and I never officially got to apply! BUMMER! But it’s ok. Someone made me feel better about it so that was nice.

I have gotten more serious about my writing again. I’m SO CLOSE to being 1/3rd done my first draft of my script. I’ve been averaging 7-8 pages a day the last couple of days so it’s speeding along. And I am having fun with it. There’s more humour in it now than in the outline, which is good because it’s meant to be a comedy. I have a lot of stuff to write, there’s still the second draft of my ten webisodes for the Mars project, AND I have to finish up two short five minute scripts for my 2 Spirit Infomercials. But I’m able to squeeze writing into my daily life in a way I think I might be able to sustain when I have a full time job. So I feel good about all these tasks I have to finish for my career.

I finished Transparent, SO GOOD! Caught up again on How To Get Away With Murder, OMG! And just started Broad City right from Season One Episode One and it’s super funny so I’m gonna keep watching.

I have a friend who was awol from the internet and telephone contact for like, months. And at first I’m like “Oh yeah, she must be busy.” And then I started getting concerned! And then I’m like “Oh my god, is she in a pit in someone’s basement rubbing lotion on her skin???” So I used EVERY method of contacting her that I had, and after a few days of still nothing I was wondering if I should get my friend Shavonne who lives in the same city to swing by her place and knock on the door. BUT THEN she got back to me! And we’ve had a TWO HOUR phone call catching up on everything AND discussing in detail The Duke Of Burgundy, The Revenant, and Anomalisa. Mostly the Duke of Burgundy tho. AND ALSO shared some lengthy emails back and forth after that continuing to talk about crushes and tv shows and stuff. So it’s been really nice! I’m glad she still exists and that we can communicate again!

OH I’ve been telling everyone about BUNZ Trading Zone, because I finally did my first Bunz trade. I traded two transit tokens for a big Troll doll, a troll keychain, and a troll pencil topper! Finally I can go to Bingo! I bought a bingo scratch and win just on the off chance it would make me lucky, but I lost so I am going back to my scratchy-sobriety. I only let myself buy 649 and Lotto Max tickets now. Gambling harm reduction. Bunz is like, a big bartering group on Facebook for people in Toronto. I’ve belonged to it for a while but this was my first trade on it. So yay! Not a Bunz virgin anymore!

I was working on my taxes and it was very Up and Down. I seem to be owing money this year. Like, 2000 dollars. Maybe a little more. But my friend Irene pointed out with how much I made I would actually be owing almost twice as much if it wasn’t for all my deductions. So I feel better about it. And I know money will come my way again. It’s not so bad.

I need to get my taxes done soon for this subsidy I could get for my apartment. I wish I had a more reliable income. I don’t even want to talk about my money situation because someone (Werner Herzog?) said “Despair should be kept private and brief.”

So my financial despair will be kept as private as I can!

I don’t want to talk about the crappy things that aren’t going my way. Like finding (or not finding) a dumbass job. OK in case a potential employer googles me and finds this, I KNOW jobs aren’t dumbass and I could be a really good worker given the chance. I just think jobs that are elusive are dumbass because they are elusive. It’s simple broke bitterness I tells ya!

Although I have gotten some further questions from someone who wants me to apply for a really sweet short term job in the near future. So I am not hopeless just yet!

But seriously, I have been watching a lot of television dramas. I finally got caught up with How To Get Away With Murder, and I am half way through the second season of Transparent. A friend is sharing her Shomi account with me so I am finally checking it out and seeing if my family would be interested in investing in a new streaming service. Steven, Mom, and I still share a Netflix account, and now we have started to include Deanna, my other cousin. We are getting our money’s worth I think! But basically Transparent is not on Netflix and it is on Shomi which is the main reason I am checking it out. Also I have heard good things about Jane the Virgin.

++++++++++++++++++ THE NEXT DAY +++++++++++++++++

Sometimes I start a blog post and then I get all sleepy and go to bed like humans are known to do. Which is what happened yesterday.

Anyway, today I went to Timmies to get a roll up the rim cup because it’s a mild gambling thing and you for sure get a coffee. Walking back home I was listening to tunes on my iPhone and I got a call from a 416 number. It was the government calling me about my application to work for the Census! So I answered a bunch of questions and basically I have a test on Friday at 2pm. It’s actually for one of the full time positions. I was kind of flabbergasted to get my first call back about a job, so I feel like I have more questions for them. And it’s only a temporary job, BUT they were interested in possibly hiring me in a supervisory position. Which would be really awesome!

The funny thing is this would be the same time as another job which is going to be posted soon, so I would be working two jobs (but one has way shorter hours and responsibilities and would be a shorter amount of time). BUT ALSO I would make a pretty decent amount of money in a short time which I could live on for the rest of the summer and I dunno, somehow I think I could do it!

It has to be said tho, I don’t OFFICIALLY have any of these jobs yet. But what if I did! It would be really nice to be recognized as someone who could be a good worker. I haven’t had a full time job in a long time, I did do full time University though last year. Which I somehow survived. OH MANS!

I’m not exactly sure when this Census job starts though, it might be a couple months off still. I know for sure the Census starts in May. I don’t know if they train us before then. I looked at the sample test on their website and I got all the answers right, so I feel positive about my chances.

My psychic said I would be in a position where there are two jobs I interview for and one is my dream job and the other one is just a good job that I get an offer for (and both are contract gigs) and I have to decide if I am going to hold off until I hear back from the dream job. So we’ll see.

OH YEAH! My psychic reading was awesome. I heard some very encouraging things about my future love life and things that might be going on now with someone she really liked. I found out I would be financially stable in the not too distant future but it’s going to be a few weeks before I get call backs (but mind you the reading was a few weeks ago and a call back has already happened!). I found out I am gonna have two kids with a partner! One is a five year old boy with light brown hair with copper in it and he’s an interesting kid, and then someone comes after. She didn’t see the little boy as a baby though, so she thinks he shows up in my life as a five year old. And the partner and I are really good together, she saw maybe a few relationships before then. And I only have one dog when I get my kids, so I guess it’s after Little Mister’s era. He will be eleventy in May, so hopefully he’s around at least four more years! I hope so!

OH! And I asked about doing a PhD, and she said something really sensible which is that it would postpone my creative projects. And considering how long a PhD takes, I kind of lean towards not wanting to postpone everything for that long. So it was a good viewpoint to see.

My Student Loans are up for repayment on March 1st. I have a repayment assistance application in, so hopefully I get some interest taken off for a while. I still don’t want to let them go into default just IN CASE I change my mind about higher education someday. Because you never know.

Oh yeah, anyway I was all happy about this job call back, but I didn’t win on roll up the rim. Which is okay really, because at least I have gotten a free coffee and a free donut this year.

So grant money is running low and I gotta spend some still on renting equipment for my shoots in April. And rent money is coming out soon! Scary shit man! Money is in need indeed!

So I’ve been cruising the want ads, sending in resumes and cover letters and references and I have lost track of how many jobs I have applied to. At least six, if not more. Probably more than that. OMG I just checked that’s all I have applied for! NO WAIT! I think I applied for seven. OK no it was nine actually. I know I know, I should spread my net wider. I’m trying for jobs I would be good at. Today I applied for my dream job! Which I am not gonna tell you anything about!

Artist fees are supposed to come this month, that’s something to look forward to!

Little Mister is doing awesome, he’s a happy guy. Posey is likewise also doing awesome. She’s being adorbs. My bratty dog-children!

I don’t want to get pooh poohed for this (but really who reads this anyway?) But I am getting a reading from my favourite psychic Barb Mather soon! LIKE, in a week! 😀 That’s a smiley face cause I am excited! I’m paying for it with the refund I got from my Nina Hagen tickets which got cancelled. I think it’s appropriate! It’s been four years since the last one. I want to know about my career, love, if I am gonna go back to school AGAIN, and if I am gonna have kids or not. I always get these readings when I am at a real crossroads in my life.

There’s a big opportunity I am applying for this spring too. I’m nervous, cause I only get one chance. But my script is as ready as it’s ever gonna be and I want to see if I can get some help. SOOOO I will let you know if I fail or get a great opportunity.

I’ve been breaking even on the ratio of rejections to interest in my newest video. Surprisingly I have actually been approached to screen it more than I have in the past. I’m also fast discovering that international interest isn’t really there in countries that don’t have Indigenous populations. They just don’t get/care about 2 Spirit issues. SO I am redirecting my submissions to North American queer festivals and Native festivals. I know where I’m not wanted! Ha ha ha.

I’m sure I have some more rejections coming down the pipe!

I am supremely enjoying my apartment. I love it more every day. I think in the spring I’m gonna try and spend more time on my sun porch. I finally put my rug down. I’m hoping it works to reduce noise for the downstairs tenant.

I think I am ready to have a full time job. I’ve been building up to it. I did full time school. And I graduated! So surely I can do a job again. I was getting disability back in Saskatoon, but also I was dealing with a lot of health concerns back then. And I’ve been good for a long time now.

My dream jobs I’ve been applying for are contract jobs. I’m mostly concerned with getting some good skills and references and to see that I can do a good job. Maybe they will hire me permanently if I do well. We’ll see.

Anyway, everyday I write, look for work, and watch tv. I’ve gotten hardcore into How To Get Away With Murder. I haven’t been obsessed with a tv show in a long time, so it’s fun.

So I didn’t want to write another post until Little Mister and I went to the vet. This afternoon we got on a streetcar and went to our vet. She loves Little Mister but he hides his snout in my armpit and looks away a lot hoping she will forget about him. Anyway, she gave him a good looking over and a rabies shot and then she checked out his lump. She said it sounds and feels like a lipoma, which is a fatty tumour. Basically a blob of fat under his skin. She didn’t think it was anything to worry about, she measured it for his file so we can keep an eye on it in case things change.
She could have done a needle aspirate on it to be sure, but I felt confident in her diagnosis and asked her if there are things I should keep an eye out for. She says if he starts to scratch or nibble at it, if it bothers him, if it hardens, or loses fur on it, or grows rapidly, then we can worry about it. OH or if it get scabby. So it’s really fine. She said a lot of dogs get them and they generally never go away without surgery, but if it’s not bothering him not to worry about it. They are benign.

SO I AM GLAD! Whew! Little Mister wagged his tail all the way down the hall when we left the vet’s office. He was happy to go home. Right now he is sleeping next to me. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about him anymore. I mean, not more than usual concerns for his daily health and wellbeing.

Posey was very sad to be left behind. I need to take her on a long walk tomorrow.

I found out today that 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 is screening in Auckland, New Zealand in February! So cool! I hope they enjoy it!

This evening I went over to my friend Riki’s and we watched the X Files and ate Chicken Noodle soup! Her dog Grady is adorable. He was standing around grumbling and she knows what he is grumbling about. Like one time he was grumbling cause he wanted to go to bed, another time he was grumbling for chips.

We watched the beginning of The Danish Girl. I wasn’t very into it. I am probably biased though from reading so many bad reviews from transwomen.

I came home and Little Mister gave me lots of kisses, then I watched La Loche news on CBC, then I noticed he was asleep on my purse so I took us all to bed.

I guess I should mention La Loche. For those not in the know, there was a school shooting there last Friday. It was in the High School building, but the elementary school building was put on lockdown when it happened. My nephew goes to the elementary school but had been sent home because he acted out at school. Anyway, I’ve basically been watching CBC News non-stop since then. Mom and Steven (Kristjan’s Dad) have been super worried and tomorrow they are finally driving up to pick him up and bring him to Saskatoon until his school opens again.

All the news reports have terrible things to say about the state of La Loche even before the shooting. It sounds pretty bleak. Today I heard the boy who was the shooter was being bullied. I remember being bullied in a small town. It’s pretty brutal. I felt like I had very few options. And none of my teachers cared.

Anyway, it’s been a few wild days. But today was a good day, because Little Mister is gonna be ok. And he’s such a sweet and special guy, I’m glad I’m gonna have him a while longer!

I got paid again! Just in time too, because I’m currently paranoid about a lump on Little Mister which seems to be getting bigger. I googled “Fatty tumours dogs” and “How much does it cost to remove a tumour on a dog” and suffice it to say I am nervous as all hell and calling the vet tomorrow as soon as I wake up.

Of course I ALSO happen to have a doctor’s appointment for myself tomorrow, and since she is only giving me 2 months of prescriptions at a time I am running out of some stuff, like my CRUCIAL epival (mood stabilizer that works better for me than lithium), and need to go see her. ALSO I have to pay my deposit for my new glasses by the end of the week. So probably when I call the vet they will want him to come in tomorrow, because not only does he need a rabies shot and his general check up, lumps need to be checked out. Lump. He only has one lump.

And PROBABLY the lump is just a fatty mass. But it is growing which freaks me out. And the little dude is turning 11 in May, which is SUPER OLD! I’ve never had a pet besides my sisters cat for this long. He’s totally unconcerned with anything. He still runs around wagging his tail at any and everything. Barks like a jerkface and when I tell him off he grumbles at me like usual. Rushes to eat as much of his food as he can so he can waddle over to Posey’s dish and eat her leftovers. Snuggles in bed, like right now when he is laying against my leg snoozing. It’s just he’s such a good natured good hearted little beast, and the last dog I had that was so easy going and sweet was my Golden Retriever, Wesley and he died of cancer really young actually.

And I don’t know what I would do without Little Mister. I am aware that like all beings he is gonna die someday. And that’s just a fact of life. I just want him to be one of those impressively old mini dachshunds. One of those like, 18 year old Old Sage dachshunds that other dachshunds come up to to ask advice. And really he probably will be. I’m just fretting.

Anyway, tomorrow I will find out. He’s been a very expensive little dog this last year. He had that back flare up thing in the late winter last year, got his teeth cleaned and pulled this fall, and now he needs MORE vet care which could involve surgery if his mass is cancerous. AHHHHH! But he’s worth it, cause he is such a loving little beastie.

Besides Little Mister’s lump, things are going ok. I didn’t get my OAC grant, which is REALLY too bad, so I am looking for employment. Just a contract job would tide me over. I’m applying for a teaching job but that wouldn’t be until May, so I need something between now and then. I’ve applied for at least three or four jobs in the last week. All of them I would be awesome at. I have a hard time selling myself I think. I’ve been raised to be modest so being all shouty about how awesome I am doesn’t come naturally. But for gods sakes I would be awesome!

I think artist fees come next month. That’s also something to look forward to, because I think I got a sale. I found out one show I was supposed to be in in March fell through because they didn’t get funding, BUT I also got an email asking for a screener of a film for a festival in the States. So you win some lose some.

I worked on my outline for my script for the first time in a long time! It was really good, I think I solved all the immediate story needs I needed to satisfy. I’m going to work on it more, but I think soon I will be able to actually write the script. And then I would be on time! I really want to get it done in time so I can apply for another grant. I don’t want to spend 4 years working on it and not be eligible because I can’t do a final report.

So, pups and careers. We went on a nice walk today actually, I used mushers secret on their paws for the first time and the salt on the sidewalks and roads didn’t bother them so much. I actually think it’s kind of criminal how much Toronto loves salt. It’s so bad for dogs, cause they lick their paws and it can be toxic. I always wipe their paws when we come inside, but I can’t get ALL the salt. And really it’s ridiculous, streets will just be WHITE and powdery they are so salty. There’s more salt than snow out there right now!

So I guess I will write about all the things that happened to me this past year.

OK, not all the things. Some of them I just don’t remember so well, and some I don’t want to remember.

I finished a masters of arts in media production! I wrote a feature film script! I learned a lot of things. I moved into a co-op and fell in love with my new neighbourhood, Cabbagetown. I made some new friends. I scratched some scratch and wins and won and lost and won and lost.

I saw a falcon at the Necropolis where I take my pups for a walk every day. It was big, and didn’t eat my dogs thank god!

I finally got to read an academic essay written about my work, in particular my video Boi Oh Boi, and it made me feel validated, especially since a lot of people don’t really ‘get’ Boi Oh Boi. I will post a link to that soon!

I went to Paris with Mom, who complained about a lot of things, and we saw trios of soldiers armed with automatic weapons patrolling various places. And 11 days after we got home the big terrorist attack happened there. Which explained all the soldiers.

I went to Manitoulin Island and mentored some aboriginal female youth in making Super 8 films at Weengushk Film Institute with Female Eye Film Festival. It was fun and good and the films so far are turning out awesome.

I got a residency at Charles Street Video with ImagineNATIVE and made a short called “2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99” and it has screened at ImagineNATIVE and it’s screening in San Francisco and Palm Springs next year.

Next year is a day away! Less than that!

I told a crush I liked her but she wasn’t interested. I got another crush who probably knows I like her but I haven’t said anything. I have probably blushed though. I DID NOT get into a romantic relationship this past year. But that’s ok, because it’s nothing new.

I spent a lot of time with my mother the last few months, I saw her here in Saskatoon for two weeks in September, we went to Paris together, she came to Toronto for a week when I graduated and screened my video. And now I am here again for the next 12 days and previous couple of weeks for the holidays. And when I get back I won’t see her for months again.

I got a Canada Council grant to write a screenplay about addictions at Christmas!

I got a Toronto Art Council grant to make two more 2 Spirit videos!

I’m waiting to hear from Ontario Art Council!

I’m still trying to find the ultimate part time job that will let me make a decent income AND be a mostly full time artist. I’ve been working on getting some teaching jobs, so far nothing, BUT I have some hopes for the future!

Overall 2015 was a good year for me! I have a Masters! New work! A screenplay! Some money! Things could get even more awesome next year. I am still looking for a producer for my script. I got turned down for the Berlinale Talent Lab Script Station BUT they said I showed promise and should apply again next year. Also I did the application kinda half-assed because I was running short of time and not thinking things through.

So I guess I can’t complain. Life was mostly good to me. It’s been over a year since Grandma died, and that has been hard, and I still want to talk about her like she is still alive. I have dreams about her.

Aside from that, I am just getting more comfortable being with myself and the dogs in our own place. The dogs are nice roommates. A bit barky tho.

Tonight there erupted a scene of immense chaos. My nephew is deeply invested (and has been his whole life) in a stuffed frog named Froggy. Anyway, after sleeping a while tonight he wakes up and wants Froggy and Froggy is momentarily missing and much crying and screaming and shrieking ensues. Meanwhile I am trying to poop in the bathroom and Posey gets distressed and starts barking and barking and barking with her squeaky girl dog voice and I am yelling at her trying to get her to be quiet but she won’t listen to me through the door and so I open the door to try and get her to come in and be quiet but she won’t and she just runs past barking and barking and my nephew is still screaming and his dad is yelling at everyone to be quiet and mom’s dog Neville is barking and I’m yelling. And FINALLY I am done with the toilet and I go shut Posey up and Froggy is found! Peace is restored to the land!

Oh man.

The funny thing is meanwhile I am having these little fanciful thoughts of MAYBE having children after swearing I never ever would. Of course I have had an ablation so I have no endometrial lining and can’t carry children. BUT I do have eggs so I was wondering if I could get my eggs retrieved and fertilized and implanted in someone else’s uterus (a partner? I guess so but I don’t even have one of those!). I thought it would be like penguins, when the mother passes the egg to the father. So I did some Googling and it turns out egg retrieval, freezing, and test tube babymaking runs into thousands and thousands of dollars. That almost made me regret my ablation. But lets be real, even if I still could house a fetus in my uterus I am utterly terrified and horrified by the idea of giving birth, so it’s just as well that option is gone.

No, I don’t want to give birth, I just want to like, have this totally sweet little baby to raise WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And of course it would be better than everyone else’s children because I would raise it right. But ALSO I don’t have someone else, which puts another kink in my plans. Because I’ve seen my mom trying to raise two children as a single parent and it was hard! And she had SKY! Which made it even more harsh. And of course me all undiagnosed my whole childhood and having major suicidal depressive episodes brought on by shithead children/peers bullying me at school AND genes skewed for bipolar disorder. UGH!

And that’s kinda the thing complicating passing my actual genes on is I KNOW the kid would have some mental health issues and I would feel really guilty if I had made someone else whose brain also made them want to die for no real good reason. Little Lemminghead Child. And that’s basically what I told my gynaecologist when we decided on me getting an ablation because my periods bled so damned much it looked like a murder scene in my bed every month.

BUT there are other options, like I could find some other woman who wants to bear and raise children with me and have a kid that way. Or adoption. Or fostering. Or stealing a baby. Just kidding on that last one, I wouldn’t!

So anyway, this whole fanciful baby daydream has been a complete surprise, and I still need to find a partner before I feel comfortable doing that.

ALSO I have started seriously contemplating doing a PhD. Is serious the right word? I don’t want to apply this January, I’m not ready for next fall. But maybe within the next three or four years. Which means I need to keep my student loan in good standing by making minimum payments. ALSO I would have to find a way to fund my PhD. ALSO it’s a lot of work. And I had no life during my Masters. BUT I also lived in a basement apartment during my whole Masters, which was brutal. Maybe having access to things like sunlight would improve my outcomes in a doctoral program.

I used to want to do the History of Consciousness program at University of California Santa Cruz. But I recently checked it out and basically I would need half a million dollars to do it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have immediate access to that kind of money.

There are some programs I might like in Toronto. York has a media studies PhD, and there’s the Communications and Culture program with York and Ryerson that has a PhD. But really I don’t know. I think I need to think a bit more before making the leap.

So those are the two surprising things that I have been thinking about. I guess I have been thinking about other things too, like current crusholas and career stuff, but that’s not as potentially life changing as getting into a PhD program and having a baby. ALTHOUGH probably having a partner would make the first two things more conceivable than doing them on my own.

I did a tarot reading for the year ahead and I’m supposed to get into a relationship. So that’s promising. But aside from that it’s more of the same, starts out with lots of career stuff and ends with a Fall full of poverty and uncertainty. What else is new?

I’m applying for teaching jobs, I got turned down for one at OCAD but this time they actually cared enough to send an email saying I wasn’t getting an interview. So that’s good? Better than last time when they just didn’t say anything. I’m getting a more robust application together for ANOTHER teaching job so I hope that pans out. Really I just want one sessional gig so that I can start building up teaching experience and hopefully be more ready to apply for tenure track positions. There were some tenure track positions coming up at University of California at Riverside, which I have actually been to in the past to show my videos, and I would have been good, EXCEPT I didn’t feel ready enough to apply anyway. Because I think I do need some sessional classes under my belt before even trying to get tenure track jobs.

So, children and Phud. Both of which potentially cost thousands and thousands of dollars. I won $120 on a fifty cent bet at the casino the other day. Maybe it’s the start of some wealthy luck.

I really do want a partner before doing all of this tho. My psychic said I would be one of those people who finds someone to be with for the rest of my life. That is terribly appealing. I’m tired of all the hook ups I have had in my youth where I felt so disposable. UGH! I know I could be a good partner to someone. I just don’t know who.

There was a lesbian waitress tonight who was clearly into me. But she lives in Saskatoon, and I live in Toronto. It was over even before she brought my coconut chicken curry.

I’ve been paying attention to celebrities and artists who are using things like Patreon and social media to launch careers. I’m not sure I am as famous as the guy who does duck parenting comics, and I am sure as hell not as famous as Amanda Palmer, BUT I am thinking I need to figure out how to bring more income into my life by doing work for the internet.

I have realized I really need to step up my game if I want to get enough of a fan base to get clicks and so forth. I don’t even really know how to monetize my life. I do all this blogging here, but I don’t know if enough people are really interested in it to throw coins in my virtual hat. Plus, while I sometimes write more opinion based posts from time to time, I am aware this is a fairly navel-gazing blog. Which is kind of the point really. I mean, I did get two degrees, sobriety, fall in and out of love a few times during the course of this blog, and have a really public manic episode. So sometimes that is interesting to people. Also it is handy because I can look at posts from the past to remember important details. Like how long it takes for a grant from Canada Council to get direct deposited.

But honestly I think the most appealing thing I do is make videos, the only problem is a lot of the high falutin’ festivals don’t like to screen work that has been shown online without a privacy protected password. And that means any of my really really good stuff doesn’t actually get shown publicly online until it’s gone through the festival circuit, which can take about two years. I could make youtube videos specifically for youtube on various topics I guess. BUT that doesn’t totally appeal to me either. I’m making a webseries right now. Which IS being made specifically to be released on the internet. It makes me wonder if I should try to continue it after the first season, because it was just written to be a one season thing. Hmmmmm.

Either way, I feel like I need to step up my game. My friend Irene keeps saying I should make videos about various silly stories I tell her from my life, which does make sense. I’m not sure what is holding me back. I think I need to accept that different videos need different distribution methods. Like 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 is going to festivals, and I’m working on a script I want to get a theatrical release for, and this webseries is obviously gonna be on the web, and this Christmas “special” about addiction I am also working on might be good for television except I’m not sure that’s allowed in my Canada Council rules. BUT I am sure it will find a home somehow.

When I was younger I really just wanted to be a famous feature film director. Which I still want, but the internet has really changed things. And television has gotten more attractive to me to. And now I am realizing you can do all kinds of things and not just be one type of filmmaker/video artist/whatever.

Either way, NONE of that matters if I don’t figure out a way to make a somewhat stable income. I have a good track record with getting grants, but there’s a limit to how many you can get. And it sucks if you are relying on one and don’t get it. AND basically I would just like to get more money flowing. Through legal means.

Well, there is the Lotto Max draw tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to.

But really, if I had a patreon account (which I do but I haven’t launched it yet) would people be my patrons?

I’m in Saskatoon! I’ve seen my Mom, cousin, Grandpa, sister, Dad, and other Grandma who helped me by giving me her Residential School Personal Education Credits when I did school. It’s been a nice visit so far, I haven’t seen any of my friends yet, for whatever reason. I always think I will see lots of them and then I get here and I don’t really. I think the whole sober thing still throws people off. Sometimes I don’t mind going to bars, but honestly sometimes drunks are really fuckin’ obnoxious to be around, especially in straight jock bars.
OMG baby Posey found the companion squeaky to her blue bird, a purple walrus, and is joyfully squeaking it around the house. She’s so cute!
Speaking of cute, she is getting WAY better! Her and Little Mister aren’t trying to attack Steven like they were last time I was here. She is getting way better, not barking obsessively at visitors, I don’t have to worry about her so much. She’s turning into a good girl! Whew! Because she was kind of rotten as a baby. I mean, not to me, but to strangers and visitors. She’s adorable though, totally sweet and snuggly and I’ve long wanted her softie side to be more apparent to others.
I haven’t done much work on my script while I have been here, in fact none at all. I really should do something. I worked on it on the plane, but since then nothing! HOWEVER since it’s about Christmas, in Saskatoon, with a Native family, I have been making mental notes this whole time. I need more tension for sure. It’s about being tempted to fall off the wagon on the first sober Christmas, but I don’t think it’s coming through yet.
My reserve is giving us $200 bonuses for Christmas! 🙂 We pick them up on Thursday. Mister is getting groomed the next day with part of my bonus. He’s gonna look SO GOOD! I think he needs his ears shaved. BUT maybe they can save his long locks, he looks good with long fur on his ears and most of the rest shaved. His tail is always long tho. It’s beautiful!
I’m still looking for a job and stuff back in Toronto. Really I just want something part time. We’ll see. I did get a small grant, and I might get another bigger grant. I’m not sure when those results are out, but if it’s sent in the mail I won’t get it until January 11th anyway!
I have to get my videos to my distributors. I have to get 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 to a screening in San Francisco this January. Through The Looking Glass is playing at EMMEDIA in January too. I’m still waiting to hear back from some other festivals, but I think I won’t know for a while yet.
I did have something else I wanted to write about, but I honestly can’t remember it now.