Last night I spent awake beside Grandma, listening to all the things she had to say and moving her leg when it was going to fall out of bed and shuffing her blankets around and moistening her lips.  She didn’t pass in my presence, at this writing she is still alive.  She was getting ready to go though.  Her breathing would stop and start, she would moan and sometimes convulse and she started saying numbers.  And then names.  She said the name of Christopher, my cousin who died in 2006.  She said the name of Prince, her dog who she and Grandpa had for sixteen years.  She said Mom and she said Betty, who is her departed sister.  I was there all night and then came home and got kisses from my dogs and ate bacon eggs and toast and showered.  Changed my clothes.

My Uncle and Auntie are there now with her and Auntie said she just said Beautiful in Cree.

The light was dim last night because my Mom and other Auntie were snoozing in the two rooms.  And sometimes my Auntie would come in and use the bathroom and close the door, making the room almost black.  And then you could see flashes of light moving around the room.  It was so moving, all of it, and this feeling that there really is an afterlife and our people come back for us to bring us to the other side.

Grandpa is getting an operation right now so he couldn’t be there.  Grandma is really worried about him.  She told us over and over “Visit him a lot.”

I think she is trying to hang on so she can talk to him or see him.  I don’t know if that will happen.

But I do know that she is going to a beautiful place with her relatives and dog who have passed on.  And that is enough for me to feel ok letting her go.  She was the best Grandma I could have ever had.  All I kept thinking was how much I loved her, for all the things she has done for me and others and just for the amazing woman she is.  And I know the staff at her care home are being really good to her.  If she doesn’t see Grandpa in person I know she will see him in spirit.

And I will visit him.  As much as I can. A lot.

So I am in Saskatoon.  Grandma is still alive, but she is very sleepy and tired and her memory is all over the place.  Today she said I was going to move to Southern Alberta.  Which I haven’t ever considered! I think it’s getting harder for her to stay alive, but who knows right?

I am still trying to finish school!  I have kept up with all my assignments so far, I have written my first draft of my extended narrative tonight and hopefully that is good enough for now.  I have an essay I need to get done by Thursday so that is the next tricky thing.  I’m a little stressed out, because it’s that time of year, the end of the semester time of year.  I hope I can pass this semester even though I am so far away.

I had a dream a friend told me she was single and that she thought we should go on a date and then she kissed me.  It wasn’t a tonguey kiss though, but it was still really sweet and my dreaming head made it all very romantic.  Silly.

The dogs are here with me.  It was Posey’s first birthday today, so she got pork twists with sweet potato and then her and the pups got a special gourmet dog food made with buffalo and more sweet potatoes.

I finally got the school to confirm my enrollment, so that was Monday and they said in five business days I would get my student loan.  I hesitate to believe it.  The loans people said I might have to pay interest, which would be around 16 dollars.  And AFTER they recieved it THEN I would get my loan.  So I really don’t know when I will get my loan.  I wish they would just take the 16 dollars off of my loan because I have not much money anyway and most of it is borrowed and FOR GOD’S SAKES!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

So will it be Friday or two and a half weeks from now?  I don’t know.

My money!  And I owe so many people money!

There are three weeks left of the semester.  And I still don’t have my student loan money.  Sigh!  I called late last week and they said to call again on Monday and find out where in the process they are with my money.  Apparently it wasn’t until last Wednesday that they sent a request for confirmation of my enrollment in University.  So slow!  Why the fuck are student loans so slow???  I HATE IT!  🙁

And then I read somewhere else that it’s 7 business days after they get electronic confirmation from my university.  I hope that’s not true.  I hope it’s a lot faster!  I counted my change and I have nine dollars.  And $2.67 in my bank account.  And I would like to pay rent, phone bill, pay people back.  Sigh.

SIGH!

Posey is being super cute today.  She was throwing around her little rawhide chewy, and she threw it on the floor and then Little Mister got it.

Little Mister was happier on our walk today because he didn’t have to walk in the rain.  He hates the rain!

I bought dog poop bags that are lavender scented and it is kind of disturbing.  I don’t think it’s natural.

I missed chatting with Robin because I was on the bus heading for St. Clair West station and then on to Kensington Market.  Too bad!  But I got to visit Louis and that was nice.

I should go to sleep I guess.  It’s 11:30.  I watched the fourth episode of American Horror Story Freak Show and got grossed out by some gory things.  I hate gore, but this is the first time I’ve sort of kept up with a television show since I left mom and her cable behind.  So I’m gonna stick with it!  And maybe watch the other seasons.

Just the other day I saw a timehop about winning money on Lotto Max.  We had won $130 bucks.  Today I thought I won ten dollars on 649, so I went and checked it and I won $80.90!  And this time I got to keep it! (Mom mostly took my winnings the time before because I owed her money).  Anyway, so far I have gotten pancakes and some more lottery tickets.

I went to the doctor’s this morning for a physical.  She was very thorough!  Everything got checked, swabbed, probed, and it climaxed with a flu shot.  She seemed kind of flustered, I have a feeling she is a new doctor.  She’s very nice anyway.

Posey and Little Mister and I went for a walk, they both spotted a squirrel running across the street and strained trying to get me to let them chase it.  But of course I couldn’t, because that’s ridiculously dangerous.  Anyway, Posey yip yipped her protesting cry!

I went to school to talk about what I am doing in my “module.”  I’m supposed to be working on Adobe After Effects.  I should do that.

Chubb Rubb was really quiet, not many people showed up.  Halloween was more exciting because we went to Church Street and they blocked off the street so everyone could walk around in their outfits.  There were some good outfits!

+++++absense of a few hours++++++

I’m back!  Was trying to work on my essay.  I found out I only have one essay due this week, so that was really nice to know.  I’ve now got three pages, but probably one page is just copies of citations.  I signed up for Jstor because I was going nuts trying to get this one article and I couldn’t access it through the Jstor Ryerson has, I could only access it through this one Jstor thing that I needed a special account for.  So now I have it.  Short article too! Whew! Freaking Jstor!

I’m tired.  I took my night meds at 9 and they are kicking in.  I have to get up early tomorrow for school, so I should sleep soon.  Posey is warming my feet under the covers.  Little Mister is snoozing too.

Someone close to me is depressed and it’s kind of rubbing off on me.  I am gonna try and see a counselor at the school.  Also my hair is a mess and I need to get it cut.  I might do that tomorrow.  Also I haven’t painted my nails in a really long time, and I think that might help me feel better, more myself anyway.  I should really just do a bunch of self care stuff.  And pace myself with all this school stuff.

ImagineNative was fun, as usual.  Got to see lots of people I knew, which is always nice.  Also I got to see a lot of work I’d never seen before.  Living here made a difference in how I experienced the festival though.  Because I have little dogs at home I had to skip some screenings to stay home with them and let them know I cared about them.  Dogs really need their people around.  So there were a couple afternoons I just spent playing with pups.

I’ve just spent several hours getting caught up with school stuff.  I have to do things tomorrow too.  And then Thursday is the last class of the week and then there are halloween parties! 😀 Louis and I are going to Chubb Rubb, him dressed as an ice cream cone and me dressed as the Ice Cream Man!

Just Dandy is screening at MIX NY on November 11th, and I am soooooo sorely tempted to run off to New York City for a few days.  But my more reasonable cautious side tells me “Noooo!  You can’t leave for a week near the end of the semester!  You have things to do and get ready for!  Next year you can go!”  But man, that throwing caution to the wind feeling is so strong!  I went to Oberhausen once at the end of semester, but I think I had put all my coursework in first.  Maybe.  I don’t remember.  But the circumstances are different this time.

I was talking with my mom about my fear of failing a certain class.  I was just all freaked out and stuff.  Cause you have to get a B- or higher to pass in Grad school, and I’m worried I’m just gonna flunk.  Because I’m bad at participation, because of general social anxiety, and I missed one 5% in-class assignment because I was sick.  Anyway, I was just generally all nervous.  And she said “No!  Don’t you think like that!  You are going to pass!”

ALSO I got quasi invited to do a month long residency next year, but it is dependent on the organization getting funds.  And I really want to do it.  I would do it when school is done, which makes me REALLY want to finish at the end of August as planned.  Actually the program people prefer the Major Project part to be done in July.  So hopefully I can turn in my script then.

I’m full of ideas these days, which is handy.  Also I am using almost every class to do work on my Major Project, which is helping a lot.  I need to write a grant in the spring and hopefully get it in August and start work for a year on another project.  Some people have five year plans, but the most I seem to be able to get is two years.  Which is still better than nothing I guess.

I have a lot to do, but also I feel like it’s all within the realm of possibility.  Like I MIGHT be able to stay afloat and finish my masters next year.  And part of me does like being in school again.  I always sort of liked school.  It pushes my brain to consider things more thoroughly.

And what else?  I am waiting for student loans money to be deposited.  The woman at Canada Post said it takes one or two weeks to go through.  So I’m not sure if she really knows or was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.  I don’t know how they process it.  I just know I need to pay rent on Saturday and right now there is two dollars in my bank account.  I think I am losing weight from not having much to eat, which isn’t really good, even if I wanted to lose weight that’s not a good way of losing it.  And it might make my body go into starvation packing on the pounds thing, which is a really awkward thing to explain.  Like “Yes, I am getting fatter because I don’t eat much and my body thinks I might die so it is holding onto every bit of fat it can.”  Bodies are weird.

BODIES ARE WEIRD!  I know that’s not a very Body-Positive message to convey, but I like things that are weird so to me it kind of is.  Also it acknowledges that all bodies are different, based on all kinds of things including whatever diseases/ailments/conditions people may have.

So I am waiting for a bunch of money to arrive.  Again.  I have a little bit, but it feels better when I am not horribly poor.  When my bank account goes under three digits I get super nervous.  Luckily I have a transit pass for the month, and I’m getting my ImagineNATIVE Pass tomorrow.  Whew!  But food things, I gotta figure that out.  I do have meat still, I just need things to eat with it. And tarts. I have two tarts left.

I felt a lot better about school today when I saw where everyone is with their projects and stuff.  And hearing what we have to do for our other classes.  It’s starting to make more sense.  I figured out how to incorporate my major project into my other classes, which we are supposed to do. So that’s good.  Six weeks are left!  Yikes!  Already halfway through the semester!  I heard the second semester is better, less readings more doings.  Which is good.

The neighbors have been hammering the wall a lot lately.  Like, during work hours.  But why? I can’t think of why they would have to do so much hammering!  It’s been going on for a few days.  And scraping.

I’m sleepy.  No class tomorrow! 😀 YAY!

You are probably sick of hearing about student loans, and more interested in hearing how Grad School is going.  Well . . . it’s stressful, is the short answer.  The long answer is I’ve been disabled and out of work and on disability for a few years and I am still getting used to the pace of this thing and I really don’t know what I am doing but I do know I am passing everything according to the graduate level standard of “Nothing below a B-“.  I’m torn between wanting things to go back to the way they were before; having totally free days to practice my art; but also I know there ARE things I am getting out of this time in school.  For instance one class, our Media Production Lab, is focused on individually directed learning through workshops and I’ve learned a lot of new skills in production and post production already in this short time.  Like Adobe After Effects, which I can already tell is gonna open up my skillset to a new level.  On the other hand, classes with really dense readings are wearing me down.  And I like writing, I write in this blog all the time, I write scripts and stuff, but I don’t really like doing academic writing.  And in the next six weeks I’m gonna have to do a bunch of it, AND make it graduate level writing.

A while back a friend started his undergrad and asked for advice because he’s got a disability, and I said go to the disability office and ask about accommodations.  Which was easy for me to say, but personally I have not made it down to the disability office.  And I really should, just to see what I can access and if there is any help for me that would be useful.  For instance, a counselor might be nice, because there are things I think that I don’t tell people.  Nothing evil, just general imposter syndrome feelings.  And getting up early is hard.  I’m trying to figure out a fool proof way to wake up and get to class on time.  Lucky for me there are only two days that start at 9am.

Having my dogs with me is helping a lot.  I’m pretty much constantly taking pictures of them and posting them on Instagram, and Posey is my lock screen picture, and they are super cuddly of me and when I come home they cry and snuggle and Little Mister will nuzzle my arm to make me hold him and pet him.  So for emotional support that is pretty awesome.  Also I do have some friends here who I have known for a while, and that helps.

I found a doctor through a Doctors Seeking Patients website, so I am feeling a little more secure.  I still need to get a new drivers license, health card, and a psychiatrist.  And my doctor says she doesn’t prescribe Risperidone which I have learned from experience and my past pdoc, Dr. Conacher, that it is a med I require.  If I don’t have it weird shit starts happening again, like hearing singing in the white noise.  And eventually singing turns to voices straight up trying to tell me shit and that is really annoying.  I mean, they do say things in context of what is going on, but it’s distracting and kinda freaky and if you talk back to them people around you can get really worried.  And it’s been a nice long time, years, since my last BIG manic episode happened and I’d like to keep from going nuts in another city.  ANYWAY my point is simply that I need a psychiatrist, but first I need an Ontario healthcard.

The funny thing is that the struggle with student loans sort of distracted me from my real feelings about school. But now the struggle is over.  And I’ve realized I am totally in this new struggle of being a student.  I’m poor, I have homework all the time, I’m expected to contribute to class discussions (something I’m not the greatest at), and I have to do this major project.  It’s a lot to think about.  BUT I also know I won’t quit school, because of several reasons, a few of which are:

1. I want to get used to doing stuff besides just my art.

2. I want to get a job with my new skills.

3. My Grandma gave me her Personal Credits from her Residential School Settlement and I am not gonna waste them by getting them then quitting!

4. I got a $5000 fellowship to come here and I am not gonna waste that either!

5. This is a really good time for me to live in Toronto and get used to it and connected to people and adjust to where I hope to live for a while.

6. Actually I can’t think of a sixth thing besides I am super stubborn and not willing to give up.

OH! 7. It is only 12 months of my life, and I hear the second semester is a lot more fun!

So that is my short and long answer to how grad school is going.  This next week is gonna be super busy, and ImagineNative is happening, so that will be fun.  I hope to see lots of people I know.  I’m back to not having much money, but I did get the essentials like toilet paper, paper towels, dog food, and toothpaste.  And some food.  Tomorrow I am going to Canada’s Wonderland after class.  Hopefully it will be Wonderful.  I’m still squeezing fun into my life!

So things are starting to look up.  I got some money gifted to me from a relative who has been helping out.  AND I called the Student Loans people and they say I have been approved!  Something is coming in the mail and I fill it out and return it and get some cash!  Whew!  Thank god for that, it was getting desperate!  It was such a long hard struggle to get the restriction taken off.  I was ready to give up so many times!  If it hadn’t been for my friend Margaret lending me money to pay off the interest and two monthly payments I would have been screwed!

And the funny thing is that I got a notice recently that suggests they may have decided to forgive the rest of my loan!  I’m not sure, but I got something that said my remaining balance was 0.00.  So maybe??

I’m in contact with the admin person of my department about my Residential School Personal Credits form, because I took it to the Fees department and they didn’t want to fill it out, and then she asked if Financial Aid would do it and they said Fees should do it and now Fees wants to look at the form and for god’s sakes it isn’t that difficult!  All they have to do is provide a contact person, an address, and say who the cheque for tuition should be made out to.  So it is frustrating me!  And I know there have to be other Indigenous students using Personal Credits for school at Ryerson, it can’t just be me! Anyway, blahhhhhhhh!  Grump grump grump.  Also there is a time limit for getting the damned thing in, it’s not until December 1st, but still that is coming up!

What else?  I had a really nice day with my friend Louis today, he cooked a chicken and a pie and made mashed yams and potatoes.  It was super nice.  And then I had to come back home for the pups.

The pups and I have gone on two long walks today.  It’s good because it’s tiring them out so they don’t get all antsy.  Posey was making me sleepy after the last walk because she was laying against my leg and warming me up and I just wanted to lay down and snooze for a while.  But I didn’t.

Yesterday when we walked by these teenagers one of them started talking to Posey about how cute she was and Posey started barking at her so the girl barked back!  Then tonight we walked by a repair guy and Posey barked at him and he threatened her with a hot dog bun!  I guess pups get away with being ornery when they are small and adorable!  Posey’s not really ornery though, she just likes to be in control.  Which is kind of funny/bad for someone so small!

Update: We went for the last walk of the night and Posey barked at a lady chatting on the street with her friend and the lady screamed!  So even though she is small, she is still intimidating with that barky face.  I told Posey to knock it off.  But she just likes barking at people.  Not everyone.  Just one person out of many that we pass on any one walk.  What a weirdo.

This cheque is still taking a long time in coming!  And it was sent in the last week of September, so I am worried it got stolen or something.  There is something fishy about it!  It was a big cheque too, so yikes! 🙁  If it doesn’t come tomorrow I am gonna send a message to the person who sent it and see if she can cut another cheque and cancel this one.  But it would be another week to get it in the mail, which really sucks.

I am gonna call Student Loans tomorrow and see what the verdict is on my assessment.  I hope and pray they give me another loan!  I could really use some quasi support in going to school!  I have 8000 of my 10,000 tuition accounted for with my fellowship and personal credits, I just need living allowance and the other 2000 of tuition.  And school supplies.  And some money to fly home for Christmas, which they are supposed to give me because I’m outside my original province.  Sigh.  I can’t believe this money thing has taken so long!

I won some money!  I won Audience Choice Award for Just Dandy at Reel Pride Winnipeg!  🙂  I’m pretty excited about that!  But again, it’s gonna come in the mail and I don’t know how long it will take.  Poop.

MONEY SUCKS!  Only when you don’t have it.  The lack of money sucks!  Blah!  🙁  And I still need a roommate!

My phone’s internet capabilities crapped out today, and I got worried I was getting cut off by my provider because I’m not able to pay yet, but I did a network settings reset and it was fine.

I’m low on toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, and my laundry needs doing, and I have literally three dollars and a lot of silver change.  It’s not gonna cut it!  I hate being poor.  I’m down to my Pilsbury Doughboy undies and that means the very end of clean undies, Saturday I will be going commando or rewearing dirty underwears.  Oh gawd!  This reminds me of my life in Vancouver as a poor student.  At least this time I am sober and don’t smoke!  Cause addictions are really expensive to maintain, and they take up a lot of money that would be more useful if spent on toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, and laundry money.  My needs are so basic!

Anyway, I’m really tired and it’s almost 3am.  So I should go to sleep before my sleep gets all messed up again!