It’s the week after classes ended. Unless I do my PhD, I won’t be taking a class for credit again. Kind of wild! I thought I would be able to do so much work over the weekend. We have a first draft of an hour long pilot due tonight at midnight, and I have two papers due Friday, and a second draft of the pilot due on the 23rd. So I was going to work all weekend, but then . . .

I GOT SO SICK!

Oh man it was awful. It was the kind of sick that just knocks you out. I slept pretty much all weekend, and when I did have energy it was being spent trying to get me out of the horrible household mess I was in. Anyway, yesterday I still felt crappy, but it was Monday and I knew I needed to write some of my script, so I wrote 14 pages. Then today I wrote 20 pages. And had a surprise ending I hadn’t anticipated!

There were times I didn’t think I would be able to do it. It seemed impossible. To write all those pages! Within less than 48 hours! Oh my god!

Anyway, I did it! Submitted it three minutes before the deadline. The world is saved. It’s not quite 45 pages, it’s only 40. BUT it’s just a first draft so it’s got a ways to go anyway.

So I feel more confident about writing my thesis project.

I have two papers left to do this week, both of them due on Friday. I’m going to try working really hard the next few days to get them done. I just don’t want to ask for an extension, because there isn’t a lot of time for the profs to finish marking before they need to turn in their marks and I don’t want to rush them. One of my papers is half written already. I feel good about where it’s gonna go. Actually both my papers are on things which interest me. One is about film tax credits and what happened in Saskatchewan, and another is about Race and Gender in Revenge Thrillers with a focus on my thesis project, Carrie, and Coffy. So it should be fun writing times.

BUT also with all this I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning on Thursday and an Invigilation shift on Thursday afternoon. AND I have to sign a contract tomorrow hopefully. But, well life happens. I can’t be perfectly working on my assignments at ALL times that I am conscious and not either eating or defecating. I mean really! Come on!

After the second draft of my pilot is done next Thursday, I will have finished all of my work for the semester! Then I can take a short break and then get back to working on my thesis project! Which I am pretty excited about. That’s due July 3rd, and I just found out from my advisor that he is gone in August so we need to do the defense in July before he leaves.

I CAN DO IT! I AM DOING IT! I’m gonna come out of this with a debt of $23,000, but I will also have a Masters of Arts and a script to try and produce! 😀

But really all my school work won’t be done in two weeks, because we are getting extensions for a few things (I didn’t have to ask!) so I’m gonna be stressing out working on papers. AND I also have six hours of invigilation work to do, which is really nice. I will get paid 41 dollars an hour! How sweet is that???

Extra cash is always nice!
Speaking of extra cash, this past Monday I got a message from Apple saying since my macbook pro was one of the affected models that had video problems, they would give me a refund for the service I had to pay to fix it. I paid $904.06, and I paid it back when I was trying to move and had saved up money and then had to use it on my computer because my career depends on it. Anyway, I finally get it back! It was actually pretty easy to do, I called apple, got a senior advisor, he gave me his email and I sent him a pdf of my reciept and then they got my address and it’s hopefully in the mail right now!

I also got an email from Canada Council that they received my application, then today they said my support material usb drive wouldn’t open, so I formatted another one properly and put my stuff on it and sent it today. So that’s good!

I told my crush that I had a crush on them and she said she couldn’t reciprocate it but she thanked me for telling her and I think it went ok. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, cause you never really know. And I don’t want to be like, creepy creeper. BUT now that I know I can just appreciate her as a friend and continue looking for new crushes. And it’s spring! It’s freakin’ cold here right now, but spring time is kind of a sexy time of year, people start stripping down and flirting more.

I’m working on Audio homework today and tomorrow. I was in a protools suite at school, and now I have a recorder and a mic, so I am gonna try and get all my sounds before I have to take it back tomorrow.

Also I got a three dollar scratch and win and won 15 dollars! 😀 So that’s nice.

I’m pretty pissed about the injustice for Cindy Gladue, the Indigenous sex worker who was murdered four years ago by Bradley Barton. I wrote a couple emails and then ALSO wrote a couple of physical snail mail letters and mailed them off, asking the Crown to appeal. I’m going to a rally for her on the second. I remember reading about that case before the verdict came down and he was acquitted, and honestly I thought it was a very clear case. She had an eleven centimetre wound in her vagina she bled out from in his hotel bathtub. He so clearly did it! It seemed like a no brainer. But then the jury was made up of white men, and he was a white man, and so they sided with his defense and acquitted him. FUCKED UP! It made me so mad. Then I found out that the jury didn’t know he had a web history of looking at porn where women were tortured. So sick! He is such a sick fuck!

So there’s some good and bad of the past week.

OH NO! There was another bad thing that happened. My friend Lynn lives in Strathcona and was only a few houses down from where a violent rape happened. Some passerby intervened and held the perpetrator until the police came. But it was such a random crime, she (the victim) didn’t know him at all, he just showed up with a weapon and attacked her. It made me think how we really don’t have any safe places, as women. Not even in our own homes!

Well, I can’t leave this blog post on a downer note. So now I will tell you about my dogs. They are super cute. Little Mister always cries like a baby when I come home, so I went to the store and then came back and he cried and cried but he refused to give me kisses because he was also carrying around his little chewy and didn’t want Posey to get it. He’s such a silly boy. Also he was trying to bury his chewy in a teeshirt and I caught him and he gave me a funny look and took it somewhere else. Like I’m gonna take his chewy!

There are three weeks left of class! OMFG! It’s crunchy time!

My new toaster is very nice. But I have run out of bread for it. I made bannock instead! That’s helping me out.
Yesterday was the day for the veggie food bank here in Toronto so I went and got a whole bunch of produce and staples and tofu and soy milk. I’m gonna make a stir fry tomorrow. I went later in the day and said yes to everything (except the plantains!) and dragged three bags home that wore on my fingers and almost gave me a blister! Yikes! But it’s super nice to have a lot of food for the last ten days of the month when I have no money!

I made vegetarian chili with some of my last dollars, it turned out excellent except I didn’t have room to add the corn. Oh well.

Little Mister was coughing and coughing, I think he got a cheerio down the wrong tube. Poor lil’ guy! He’s fine now, snoozing by my pillow.

Oh I just took my pants off and got into bed and I am wondering why I waited so long!!??

My cousin Deanna has been poor for a long time (worse than me!) but she is really good at finding resources. She just moved to Victoria and every time I talk to her she has just gone to the food bank or she is going somewhere for soup and sandwiches. I’ve forgotten how to do a lot of that stuff. I used to go get sandwiches in Vancouver. But in Saskatoon mom and I split groceries and we managed to live ok, most of the time we had food.

Poverty is a funny thing.

I’m not sure if my grant application was recieved. I lost my receipt and when I sent an email to the officer he never replied. So I don’t know if I should wait for a result or what. I never got a thing in the mail saying they recieved my grant either, and the deadline was on the 1st of March. It’s pretty irritating, because that really makes an impact on my life and the last time I submitted the grant they refused it because my final report wasn’t in on time, but they didn’t tell me that until official results came out for everyone which really pissed me off. Canada Council what the fuck?

What.
The.
Fuck?

Oh! Actually I just checked and I sent them the email on the 20th and it’s the 22nd so maybe he needs a couple more days to see what happened to my grant. Sigh.

I recently put all my deadlines in my calendar! It doesn’t look too bad! 🙂

I was a bit behind on my school work.  I asked for an extension, I don’t know if I got it, but I did manage to finish and submit a midterm paper tonight that was due on Thursday.  So it’s only two days late.  Which isn’t horrible.

I’m now also late on submitting my new outline to my writing peeps, so that is happening tomorrow.

And in all this my toaster blew yesterday.  It was a ten dollar toaster from Loblaws, but really it should have lasted longer than four months.  BUT then my friend Alex came to town and took me to dinner and offered to pay for a new, better, toaster for me!  Whew! Because I make a lot of toast.  It’s the best for poor people living!

Sometimes finishing grad school makes me feel overwhelmed.  Like, that is a lot of work!  And it is a very short program!  But somehow I have managed.  And I’m pretty sure I will finish on time.

Posey pup is cute today.  So was Little Mister!  Little Mister was actually being super cuddly lately.  I’m not sure what that’s about, I think he just likes all the attention.  And he is happier now that his back is normal again.  Lucky Mister!

Did I mention that a while back my medical stuff came back and I am totally fine and even my blood sugar is normal??  Because that happened.  It was pretty awesome.

OH!  I saw Sleater-Kinney, and that was fun.

I have a crush on someone.  But I am also feeling super shy about it.  It’s kind of funny.  It’s nice liking someone again tho.  But kissing would be pretty awesome.

I hope I get that grant I applied for.

I’m really into Lizzo lately since seeing her open for Sleater-Kinney.  Here’s a song she does that I downloaded!

It’s Saturday night! I’m already in bed.  I had a really lazy day.  BUT I did pick which clip I want to do some sound design for, for my final project for Audio Post class.  I’m gonna do the last five minutes of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.  So that’s awesome.  I always almost cry at that scene.

I won fifty bucks today! 😀 I impulse purchased a Bejeweled scratch and win at Loblaws and I got three lightnings which was fifty! 😀 Yay!  I spent 4.50 on a drink and another scratch and win, but I didn’t win anything.  BUT I still have about 45.50 so that’s good!  It will let me have some more cash to play with before life gets desperate again.

I cleaned my bedroom.  That was about it.  I should have worked on my presentation for Monday, but I didn’t.  I’m really not sure what to present.  I know I have to pitch my project.  I was thinking doing ten minutes of talking and leaving ten minutes for questions.  I have a lot to say.  I have a good feeling about it, but at the same time I know there’s lots of competition and they might not think it’s developed enough yet.  So we’ll see

I think I’m gonna go sleepies now.  I had such a lazy last two days.  I know it’s ok because people need to have breaks in life, but as always there is this anxiety about being a bad student.  And the fact that I am gonna be paying for my education for the next ten years makes me feel like I should be on top of everything working my ass off.  But that’s not sustainable honestly.  I need a couple lazy days.

Actually what am I talking about?  Friday I was busy as hell running around the city doing stuff like going to the doctors and getting my happy lamp and iron and getting food and stuff.  I was so busy!

Anyway, tomorrow afternoon I’m gonna work hard, but in the evening I will relax!  Life work balance, blah blah blah!

Today had a surprising sequence of events!

First of all I woke up to an email inviting me to present my feature film project to the Ryerson Telefilm people who are going to decide who to recommend for the microbudget features program.  Which would get me a bunch of money!  Not lots, BUT still more than I have ever had before.

So I was all excited, and I have been pretty much excited ever since.  I had a really hard time concentrating on my afternoon of writing, which was supposed to get me notes for a presentation tomorrow morning.  I did get about 841 words written, so hopefully I can expand on that tomorrow for ten minutes.  I will speak slow!

And then on the way to class today I was walking along the subway platform when I saw this guy kind of stumble towards the platform on the tracks.  He was on the tracks!  And he and I both look and a train is coming.  So he did this weird thing where he kind of ducked out of the way and curled up under the ledge.  And the train stopped, it didn’t come into the station.  And there was this tense moment where we were wondering if he was gonna come out or not.  And then this TTC lady came along and a witness and I both told her there was a guy tucked under the ledge, so she went down to the tracks and found him and convinced him to get off and come with her.  She asked his name and he asked if it mattered and she said of course it does.  Anyway, he seemed pretty down, so I hope he is getting help now.  The service stopped on that whole line both ways for 20-25 minutes.  And it was just after 5 so it was right during rush hour.

But he lived!  yay!  I was kind of horrified when it first started happening, I didn’t want to see someone die in front of me.  But he didn’t get hit!

So it was a funny day, from feeling super euphoric to watching someone have a really bad day.  And then class after that was good.

I’m tired!  I should curl up in bed!

Little Mister did a play bow today to Posey and we watched her run around all happy, so that was nice.  I think his back is getting way way better.  He’s nearly back to normal.  He just needs to get sexually inappropriate with Posey again and I’ll know he’s fine!

My Auntie was driving my mom’s car a week and a bit ago and it was really icy and long story short this truck slid right into Mom’s car and crunched it. Truck was fine. Car, not so much. Today Mom found out it is totalled. She’s worried she won’t have the cash to replace it after SGI cuts the cheque. And she is living in a city that is super car oriented, so it would be such a pain in the ass to not have one.

My nose feels sticky.

Posey has become hyper vigilant between the hours of 11pm and 1am. It’s super annoying. Gotta nip it in the bud.

I was holding her under the covers last night and her bum was in the crook of my arm and then I got a whiff of the most foul smell imaginable.  Oh pew it was gross! Dog farts!

I got a 3 dollar scratch and win and won 15 bucks! Pretty amazing! Especially since I had 30 dollars until next week’s payday!  45! 🙂

I have really bad sleep hygiene right now, I have been sleeping until 2pm. It’s so bad! 🙁 There are things I could be doing in the mornings and early afternoons. My Mom and Cousin suggested a SAD lamp. I thought I couldn’t use one because you have to use them early in the day, but now I am thinking maybe it doesn’t matter because I live in a basement and any time of day it would be good.

I’m so hesitant to do ANYTHING that will affect my mental health though.  Which is funny because I am in school and doing full time grad coursework.  Which adds a lot of stress to life.  But I am talking not wanting to up my antidepressants, worrying about adding a SAD lamp in case it makes me manic (which is not unheard of!). Basically I have this weird idea I can deal with a mild depression better than an out of control mania. But right now I do not have a psychiatrist. I am getting one April 1st. But I so hesitate doing anything about my mental health until then.  I can get counseling at school, but I don’t really have the time.

And it’s not THAT bad, is it? I can’t tell anymore. But fuck, I hate it when outside people try to have opinions on my mental health because I feel like they are pathologizing me and that sucks. Like fuck you!

(Insert pic of middle finger here)

I just wanna figure it out myself. And there is no magical thinking going on, which is when things get really dicey. And I don’t want to die. And I am not madly in love with anyone although I have a few crushes. I am not sending out lots of emails either. So there.

Ha ha, my last psychiatrist always asked me every session “Have you been sending lots of emails?” because the last time I ended up in the hospital I had hypergraphia like you would not believe and sent out hundreds of emails to annoyed friends. I barely use my email in a social way now.  I just send business emails. SO BORING! BUT also not crazy, so that is good.

I like using the word crazy to describe actually being mentally ill. I know some people hate it and think it is always pejorative, but crazy is such a perfect word for me.

Anyway. It is almost springtime. Hypomanias tend to happen in spring. That’s something to look forward to.

Sometimes people think I am crazy and honestly I am fine I am just being a little dozey or daydreamy or something. People who do not know about mental illness should not be diagnosing people.  I knew a cousin who got mad at her sister and was telling everyone she should be sent to the psychward and I had spent a lot of time around the cousin in question and honestly nothing was wrong with her at that time.  She was so lucid and even! Another time a friend told me I was manic and nothing was wrong with me then either! I was fine.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, I’ve been taking my meds and I did see my psychiatrist in December, which isn’t too long ago. I just need to wake up earlier. And get a cheap SAD lamp.

I wrote my outline today, got to 3 pages!  That’s way better!  Gonna work on it a bit more tonight and then upload to my shared folder for class tomorrow.  I also have to fill out a form about the work I did this past week.  It’s going to be about 10 or 12 pages and I am trying to get the first draft done for next week’s class.  Two weeks then it’s reading week!  YAY! Catch up time! My Grad Advisor wants my first draft of the outline done the week before reading week so he can send me home with some notes.  This has so far been a way better process than when I first wrote a feature.  Last time I wrote a feature I just wrote blindly into the unknown!  Now I can see how everything is structured before writing scenes.

What else can I tell you? Hmmmmm.

It’s very very snowy here today.  I mean, there was a lot on the ground when I went to leave the house.  ALSO there have been four cases of measles in Toronto, and they don’t know who infected these people. So that’s all terrible.

Little Mister keeps yelping today.  I think I need to be gentler with him. He IS an old man dog now. BUT also maybe something is wrong.  I’ll just have to keep an eye out.

I am going to be applying to have my feature film project recommended by Ryerson to the Telefilm micro-budget program.  I don’t know if I will get chosen, but who knows! It’s worth a shot!  Also during reading week I have to do a little work on my grant for Scriptwriting from Canada Council.  It would give me a project to work on for a year, and it’s a story I’ve been thinking about for a long time.

I’m hoping to get an award, but I have no idea when they decide who gets it and the webpage about it is all 404’ed.  It would super help me out a lot!

1. Wearing my nightguard more frequently (less tension!  Less pain!)

2. Telling women when I want to kiss them.

3. Kissing.

4. Socializing Posey, because she has terrible social skills.

5. Crying more. (which sounds counterproductive but might be more cathartic!)

6. Keeping a journal for private thoughts. (because I always want to write everything here but then people get mad or find out things I am not yet ready to reveal)

7. Make more local friends.

8.  Eat more fruits and vegetables.  (I dunno I just thought this might be healthy and some people say healthy is good)

9. Keeping better boundaries with people. (enough said!)

10. Revive the Long Telephone call with more friends! (So far it’s just Robin, Mom, and sometimes Lynn who I have long conversations with!)