I have some work stuff I need to do, school stuff.  Blah!  Right now I am just chilling because it’s bedtime.  I went to see a movie alone tonight, A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night.  I really liked it.  It lived up to the hype!

I did some apartment cleaning today.  Dishes, laundry, bedroom cleaning.  Picked up garbage all over.  It felt good.  I’ve been a lot better about keeping my place clean since I got sober.  And my Mom can’t help me out here, so it’s just me on my own.

The dogs were happy today.  They were playing all over the place.  Cried with happiness when I came home from the laundromat and then later when I came home from the movie.  Actually Little Mister is the crybaby and then Posey growls at him because she thinks he is being dramatic.  It’s kind of funny.  The first thing I always say when I come home is “Be nice to him!”  He’s an old man dog, he can cry when I come home.  He always has anyway.  Posey dances.  She’s pretty sweet.

I didn’t wash my sheets last weekend, and I regretted it.  Posey chewed up some things in my bed and two weeks of orts accumulating is terrible.  It’s like sleeping on sandpaper.  But I just put on the new sheets and it feels really nice and the dogs are sleeping on the bed all happy.

Sometimes when I get stressed out, and feeling alone, I am really glad I have my dogs.  It’s a lot of responsibility being a dog owner.  Like I can’t leave them alone all day, the longest day I am away from them is Thursdays when I have class at 9am and then class again until 6pm.  And it takes 40 minutes to get home.  So I come back and spend Thursday nights at home with them.  And I can’t be out very late either, because they need someone home so they can go to bed.  I don’t think it’s the same now, but when I did night shifts and Little Mister was alone (before Posey!) he used to whine and howl at night.  He does not do well alone all night.  So I come home and spend all my nights with them.

Someday I am gonna have a girlfriend.  And if sleep overs happen, they are going to have to happen at my place, so that the dogs aren’t alone.  And Posey is gonna have to get used to this whoever person sleeping in our bed.  And just being around.  Posey has issues with strangers, she is very suspicious of them.  But if people keep coming around she gets used to them.  There were some cousins and my Auntie Beth who would come to the house that she loved.  She really loves Auntie Beth for some reason.  Like she will climb her and wriggle around her head crying with happiness when she sees her.  It’s kind of funny!  Auntie Beth! 😀

I’m sleepy now.  I’ve chatted about dogs and cleaning enough.  There are other things I wish I could chat about but I can’t.  Nothing particularly exciting tho.

The first week has wrapped up!  12 weeks to go!  Oi!

For the most part I like my classes.  I think the Narrative Writing class is gonna be awesome, same with the Gender and Race in Media class.  I did an introductory workshop for Protools with the TA for the audio-post class.  So I am gonna go again this weekend and do some tutorials to get up to speed.

I’m not yet intimidated by all the work I have to do, but it is coming!  I think one of these days I am going to the disability office to get some advice.  Even just seeing a counselor for an hour every week would be mega helpful.

Posey and Little Mister are being super cute.  The vet has said Little Mister is a little bit dehydrated, so now he gets a bit of wet food with his breakfast and supper.  Same with Pose.  They’ve been over the moon about eating ever since then, it is their favorite thing ever.

I need to bring back snacktime for them, but I haven’t found the ultimate dog cookie store yet.

This is my last semester of classes for this program!  It is such a short Masters degree!  BUT It is a lot of work!  I am writing a pilot for a tv show for my writing class, which has nothing to do with my script for my thesis project.  It’s gonna be called Bad Manors.  And it’s about a real apartment I lived in when I lived in the DTES.

Mom is enroute to Saskatoon from Winnipeg. She had a good talk out there and really liked it.  I’m glad. She’s being a full time artist right now so I am hoping things turn out well for her.  She’s been so poor for so long.

My writing prof said writers usually make only 11,000 to 12,000 a year from writing.  BUT he said there was still a chance to make a living off of it.  Also Netflix in Canada is going to be making content in the future here, so that’s promising.  In my Pro-Seminar a producer came in who depressed us all by saying that news was dead and that film was crap and tv was where it was at but also there wasn’t much money for it in Canada and we had to move to another country.

So it’s all a lot of conflicting information.  Really I just want to win the lottery and have an unending supply of money to fund my work with.  But the chances of that happening are rare.

I went to my first class today, Audio Post-Production and Sound Design.  The professor thinks I should do some Protools tutorials because it has been well over a decade since I used the program and things are different.  So one of these days I will go in and do some.  We were partnered up and made a soundtrack for a 30 second commercial in an hour and 15 minutes.  It was pretty intense!

Then I met Louis for dinner, and we went to see Woman In Black 2!  Wooo!  It had lots of startle scares, and at the end all these dead children kept appearing.  When we left we were saying “Dead children are the worst!” They really are!

I noticed this pool on campus gets turned into a skating rink in the winter, which was really cute.  Might look for cheap secondhand skates!

I’m back to being poor, but it’s temporary.  That’s the thing about money, it’s always a temporary situation, whether you are rich or poor.  Unless you are some trillionaire tycoon.

Nobody needs THAT much money.

It’s chilly in my room!  I am okay in clothes, but right now I am nearly naked in bed, with a sweater on.

Posey and Mister were ridiculously cute when I came home today.  They chased eachother all over the bed and were being adorable.  And then they started humping each other.  I’ve learned to just ignore it.  They seem to be having some kind of sexual awakening, and they are both neutered/spayed so nothing is gonna really have consequences. It’s awkward for me!  But really, whatever!  If they want to be boyfriend and girlfriend then go ahead!

I think the age difference is a little disturbing though!

It was Grandma’s birthday today.  If she was still alive she would be 95.  As it is she is forever 94.  Forever young!  Ha ha, it’s funny because she was really old!

Mom used to make Grandma bouillabase for her birthday, but this year she didn’t do it.  She said she just couldn’t.  Grandma wanted us to do this every year even after she goes, so it is a tradition that will come back.  Mom said next year she will do it. It’s an expensive soup, the way Mom makes it.  I started out being suspicious of it but as the years went by I grew to like it more and more.

Also yesterday was the four year anniversary of my friend Matthew’s death.  So that was odd, I didn’t realize until I checked my Timehop for the day and saw the status I wrote when word got out.  It’s strange, how death is so fixed in time, such a permanent end to someone’s story.  It was harder for me with people like Matthew and Jasmine, because they were suicides.  And Christopher, because he was so young and it was an accident.  And now Grandma is so different, because she had a natural end.

My Mom’s birthday was on the 4th.  I’m gonna take her out for dinner or something when she comes in February.  She’s always had a crap birthday because it’s after holidays when everyone is broke from Christmas.

I got my grades back for last semester!  B- for Media Production I, A- for Media Writing Critical and Narrative Forms, A+ for Research Methods, and a Pass for the Pass/Fail class (Project Development)! My cumulative GPA stands at 3.56!  🙂 Which is within the range to get into a doctoral program at Ryerson. I’m not sure about other universities.  ALSO I don’t really want to do a doctoral program, but I’d appreciate keeping the option open by having a good enough GPA.

On a whim I checked out the History of Consciousness program at UC Santa Cruz.  It’s like, 54,000 a year. For SEVEN YEARS!  That’s a long time and a lot of money to pay to write.  But who knows, maybe some dream program closer to home will catch my eye. Or I could win the lottery finally and voluntarily keep myself busy by becoming a doctor! Stranger things have happened!

I’ve been back since New Years Eve.  Little Mister came through Westjet Cargo on the 7th and Posey came back yesterday, so I have my whole family back together!  Little fuzzy faces!

I have anxiety about my animals travelling.  So I was nervous.  But they were fine, even though it was SUPER cold both the days they travelled.  I’m glad no one left them outside.

Little Mister was due for his Senior Wellness Exam, he was going to get it in Saskatoon, but Mom slept in, so I took him to his new vet here in Toronto today.  It was our first time going on Transit.  He was a very good rider, although very squirmy and he kept trying to hide beside me. Everyone kept smiling at him because he is cute.  His vet thinks he’s so cute and so sweet and she just kind of fell in love with him.  She said he was really good when he got his blood taken.  I’m supposed to get a urine sample, I’m dubious.

He weighs five kilograms.

There is too much salt on the streets here! He’s gotten salt all over my pants while we rode the bus and streetcar.  I wiped his paws when we came home, but I have to do something about this.  I’m gonna get this stuff called Musher’s Secret, it’s a breathable wax you put on their paws that protects them.  I hope it works!

Posey was wary of him when she got home, and she had to inspect the whole apartment.  But she is back to being silly and happy and needy.  She got annoyed with me for sleeping in too much today and basically made me wake up.  Which is actually a good thing. Mom put her little bed/house thing in her crate, and I have it out by the foot of the bed.  She likes going inside it and beating it up!

Next week classes start!  I had a good break.  And I know where to go from here.

I have money still!  I am surprised!  It isn’t a lot, at all really, BUT it is still way more than I thought I would have at this point.  Especially after the cab ride to and from the cargo place AND Mister’s vet visit this week.

Also more money is coming in sooooooon! 🙂 February I get my disability grant of 1000 AND my regular living allowance. MONEY!

Also someone has invited me to start pitching a national radio show to do segments.  So hopefully I can get some gigs out of that!

And there is another possibility for money on the horizon!

I really hope my life works out here!

So the deadline day for the TA job I got an interview!  It went well I think.  I HOPE!  That was Monday.  I find out tomorrow!  Wish me luck!

Today I bought a shirt at The Bay and then took Mom out for dinner, and THEN realized when we got home that the dude at the counter left the dye tag on it!  WHAT THE HELL!??  Who leaves a dye tag on a shirt?  Now I have to take it back and get it removed, and hope I don’t get guff from someone thinking I am trying to steal!

I got my Idle No More paper back from this class I was worried about, A-! 😀  Which, if my calculations are correct, means I have managed to pass my coursework!  I don’t know what my marks are for my Media Writing class though.  I think they get posted in January.  Which really isn’t that far off, but it doesn’t satisfy my immediate curiousity!

I am finishing up my project proposal.

***********The Next Day*****************

I didn’t get a call about the job yet!  :O I don’t know if that is good or bad!  Is he still mulling it over?  No emails either.  I sent him an email tonight, but it was in regards to my Major Project Proposal.  I’ve written the first draft and I wanted some input.  Also I have to update my beatsheet with all that info too!  Did I mention he is also my grad advisor? Maybe it’s awkward.

Anyway, I DID get the dye tag taken off my shirt at the Bay, and bought a carry on for cheap.  I need one to hold stuff that won’t fit in my luggage.

It’s so late!  It’s 2:30am!

I’m getting sick.  I can tell!  This will be my second cold in three months.  That’s far too frequent for my liking!  At least it isn’t the flu, I got the flu shot a while ago.

I should sleep!  SLeep sleep sleep!  Maybe I will get an answer tomorrow about the job!

I’m feeling pretty good today.  I had to put off my telephone meeting with my Grad Advisor until this past Wednesday, a couple days after Grandma’s funeral.  I had some anxiety around it.  I’ve been having a little bit of Imposter’s Syndrome in regards to school, which is basically when you think the dummy police are going to burst in at any second and declare you totally incompetent at Grad School.  But I didn’t have to worry so much, my Grad Advisor liked my project and gave some really good suggestions for how to take it further.  It was really good to hear.  And he said I might be eligible for an award, so that’s something to hope for.  I also got a grade from one of my last projects in one class and it was an A+ so I hope that keeps my average up.  There is one class I was struggling in but it’s actually in two parts and in this one part I am doing really well.  So we’ll see.

I’m getting more and more excited about my Major Project because the story is getting more exciting and convoluted in a good way.  And I think it might be a thesis project people would actually want to make and go see.  So THAT’S good. The theme is really pertinent to current realities in Canada for Indigenous people.

Mom was gonna come back to Toronto with me after Christmas, but I think that plan is changing and now she is gonna come during reading week.  We might go to New York for a few days too. Either way, it should be nice.

I applied to a TA position, I whipped up a new CV and a decent cover letter and the best paper I wrote for school this semester as a writing sample.  So I hope I get one of the positions. It would really help my anxieties around cash to have a job to ease me through the second semester.  And I don’t think there are TA positions during the summer semester, although really I have no idea.

I felt really excited about the future today.  Also it helped that we went to the Casino and I won $400.  I got 26 free spins on Smoke Signals!  I didn’t even know you could get free spins on Smoke Signals!

I think I’m gonna have to get rich on my talents though.  Smoke Signals, 649, and Lotto MAX are not gonna come through with my retirement fund!  The odds are totally not in my favour!  And maybe my film career is also not in my favour, based on discrimination against all my marginalized identities.  BUT you never know.  You just never know!

December 5th at 1:25am my Grandma breathed her last breath.  My Uncle Doug and Auntie Pauline were by her side, and my cousin Lorne and his family came over and walked the body out to the hearse.  We got the news right away, had a cry and went back to sleep as well as we could.  I was exhausted from spending the previous night awake with her, so I slept pretty well.

There were a lot of things we had to do and still have to do.  But because we were expecting it, a lot of planning was done beforehand.  We viewed her body in the funeral centre the same day. She looked beautiful. She didn’t have make up and she wasn’t embalmed, and she was in a pine box with a cotton shroud like she had wanted.  She was wearing her glasses and her engagement and wedding rings that she had always worn.  She was in her favorite red sweater.  They had really good lighting, so she looked like she was still a bit pink.  The family gathered and cried and told stories about her life. Grandpa was out of the hospital so he finally got to see her, and I was glad he was able to get out in time for the viewing.

Tomorrow is the wake, then the memorial on Monday at 2pm. I’ve been having highs and lows and grumpy periods and sad periods.  I feel good that she died a natural death and went to a good place and was surrounded by loved ones.  And she had a good life.  And a good husband.

I am gonna miss her a lot.  But being with her near the end and feeling the pure love we had between us as Grandma and Granddaughter, it felt really good.

I thought I didn’t have a copy of my Homelands video on this computer, but it turns out I do.  So I fixed the sound and am compressing it and tomorrow I am going to make a DVD for people to watch at the wake if they want to.  Not many people in my family actually saw it.  And it’s nice to hear and see Grandma again.

I should get to bed.  I was gonna make lemon meringue pies for the wake, but I think that was too ambitious.  And today was Kristjan’s fifth birthday, so we had a little party for him, and were busy a lot of the day.

And anyway, why not take a break?  I have been doing so much these days.  And I need a little contemplative time to think about life and Grandma and stuff.  And dammit, that’s ok!

Last night I spent awake beside Grandma, listening to all the things she had to say and moving her leg when it was going to fall out of bed and shuffing her blankets around and moistening her lips.  She didn’t pass in my presence, at this writing she is still alive.  She was getting ready to go though.  Her breathing would stop and start, she would moan and sometimes convulse and she started saying numbers.  And then names.  She said the name of Christopher, my cousin who died in 2006.  She said the name of Prince, her dog who she and Grandpa had for sixteen years.  She said Mom and she said Betty, who is her departed sister.  I was there all night and then came home and got kisses from my dogs and ate bacon eggs and toast and showered.  Changed my clothes.

My Uncle and Auntie are there now with her and Auntie said she just said Beautiful in Cree.

The light was dim last night because my Mom and other Auntie were snoozing in the two rooms.  And sometimes my Auntie would come in and use the bathroom and close the door, making the room almost black.  And then you could see flashes of light moving around the room.  It was so moving, all of it, and this feeling that there really is an afterlife and our people come back for us to bring us to the other side.

Grandpa is getting an operation right now so he couldn’t be there.  Grandma is really worried about him.  She told us over and over “Visit him a lot.”

I think she is trying to hang on so she can talk to him or see him.  I don’t know if that will happen.

But I do know that she is going to a beautiful place with her relatives and dog who have passed on.  And that is enough for me to feel ok letting her go.  She was the best Grandma I could have ever had.  All I kept thinking was how much I loved her, for all the things she has done for me and others and just for the amazing woman she is.  And I know the staff at her care home are being really good to her.  If she doesn’t see Grandpa in person I know she will see him in spirit.

And I will visit him.  As much as I can. A lot.

So I am in Saskatoon.  Grandma is still alive, but she is very sleepy and tired and her memory is all over the place.  Today she said I was going to move to Southern Alberta.  Which I haven’t ever considered! I think it’s getting harder for her to stay alive, but who knows right?

I am still trying to finish school!  I have kept up with all my assignments so far, I have written my first draft of my extended narrative tonight and hopefully that is good enough for now.  I have an essay I need to get done by Thursday so that is the next tricky thing.  I’m a little stressed out, because it’s that time of year, the end of the semester time of year.  I hope I can pass this semester even though I am so far away.

I had a dream a friend told me she was single and that she thought we should go on a date and then she kissed me.  It wasn’t a tonguey kiss though, but it was still really sweet and my dreaming head made it all very romantic.  Silly.

The dogs are here with me.  It was Posey’s first birthday today, so she got pork twists with sweet potato and then her and the pups got a special gourmet dog food made with buffalo and more sweet potatoes.

I finally got the school to confirm my enrollment, so that was Monday and they said in five business days I would get my student loan.  I hesitate to believe it.  The loans people said I might have to pay interest, which would be around 16 dollars.  And AFTER they recieved it THEN I would get my loan.  So I really don’t know when I will get my loan.  I wish they would just take the 16 dollars off of my loan because I have not much money anyway and most of it is borrowed and FOR GOD’S SAKES!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

So will it be Friday or two and a half weeks from now?  I don’t know.

My money!  And I owe so many people money!