Happy Trans Day of Visibility! It’s a scary time to be visible, with manufactured outrage stemming from predatory fascist Christian evangelists. Jesus was probably trans to be honest, if the virgin birth thing was real. And hurrah, because a Trans Jesus is a great concept. Loving but persecuted by the government of his era. We owe a lot to Trans Jesus, and the fact that it’s Easter Sunday today also makes me think of him.

ANYWAY. Personally I think even when I was identifying as a Butch there was some acknowledgement for myself that I was trans masculine. I remember the agony of trying to figure out if I was cis or trans. I felt like I wasn’t qualified to take on a trans identity because I was so unsure about a future with hormones and surgery. I remember when I was finally deciding to start hormones in 2022, I had dinner with a friend and said I had some ambivalence and they were like “I asked a friend whose been on hormones for 7 years and he said he’s still ambivalent!” I know that sounds like maybe I wasn’t sure, but it seems like every day since then I have become more and more sure of my identity.

But also my gender was just in a state of flux for my whole life, and I think in certain ways I was very visible as being some kind of trans person.

What I like about the label Transgender is that it is an umbrella that lets people in at their own pace. I felt trans for years before I started a medical transition, I was even vocal about it before starting to use he/him pronouns and a new name. If I hadn’t been allowed to fit under the umbrella when my identity was more non-binary, it would have been harder to finally ID as a somewhat more binary trans man. Not that every non-binary person eventually transitions, but I felt like I had a community even before I figured myself out.

I had the feeling a lot of trans people in my life were just wondering when I would get around to it. And I just had to think about it for a long time I guess.

And now I’m the one being visible, hoping another trans person at whatever age gets inspired to live their truth. I can’t promise it’s fun, except it kind of is. I mean the persecution sucks yes, but having your body more aligned with the way you feel inside is really worthwhile. Not that every trans person needs hormones. In fact a lot don’t, or do them for a while and then stop for other reasons. BUT the shifts my body has taken with hormones and surgery is so fucking nice.

The other day in boxing class we were throwing tennis balls back and forth to practice defense (I am the worst at this) and my friend hit me in the chest with a ball and got so worried they almost said the forbidden word (“sorry,” if you say it in boxing class you have to do ten pushups). But it actually didn’t hurt the way it would have if I had boobs still. It just hit muscle and bounced off. And that was a cool new thing I realized about my body after surgery because breast tissue can be so tender.

Anyway, regardless if you can be visible or not, if you are trans and feel alone or scared, there are people who love you as you are, or will love you if you haven’t met your people yet. I’m fortunate that trans people in my life loved me and helped me be myself for over 26 years.

I was gonna write a post for Trans Day of Visibility, and I probably still will after this. But it was brought to my attention that Jas Morgan made another allegation about myself and Union Docs which I did not address in the previous post. They claim we published their writing and edited materials against their wishes. This is a serious and entirely false allegation which they know is false yet have not made any attempt to correct.

The fact is Jas Morgan asked us to remove all of their writing and edited materials from the book in 2022. We did that. We did not even keep the title the same. The reason the reader moved forward is because we commissioned writing from three new writers to write scholarly essays/poems about my practice. Since it takes a long time to write and edit a reader, the book is actually not even published yet but will be shortly and released this summer of 2024 of materials Jas Morgan was not involved with.

Again I am not sure why Jas Morgan is clinging to a patently false narrative except to try to paint me as a predatory collaborator who steals ideas.

Before I was born, my Mom did amniocentesis with me to check for any genetic issues. My sister has a translocation of the 13th pair of chromosomes, so they just wanted to know that my chromosomes were “normal.” Normal is such a dirty word ha ha grimy more than perverse tho. Anyway my chromosomes were XX so at that time it was assumed I was a girl. But my Dad was CONVINCED I would be a boy. My mom told me she asked him “You want a boy with girl DNA?” Which I guess in the 70s did sound odd. Anyway I was born appearing as a girl so yeah, but my Dad was still right in the end.

Another time when my Grandpa, Stan Cuthand, was on his deathbed and still lucid, he looked at me and pointed me out to my uncles in the room and said “He’s a good man.” I wrote it down in my FB because it was baffling at the time and I’m sure we all just shrugged it off with “he’s dying he doesn’t know what he’s saying.” BUT HE DID KNOW! I didn’t even know for sure, I was still really hanging on to my non-binary lesbian label. But I guess my Grandpa saw me for who I was and wanted to make sure before he died that I knew that.

I find it interesting that in both of those events, the people who recognized me as a boy/man before I was even sure myself were both men. And close relatives at that. Throughout my life various people thought I was a boy or a man but those were more surface interactions, like being called sir in the store and stuff like that, not people who were super invested in my life. But being recognized as a boy/man by my Dad and Grandpa really means something to me.

I sometimes wonder about my Mom and how she has adjusted. She was a very feminist mom and like “girls can do anything” and then I got into some very male dominated fields (filmmaking and game development) and now I am a man so it’s kind of taken away the magic girl power thing. Now it’s just regular dude stuff I guess. ALTHOUGH I would say definitely being trans can be rough on careers. So trans success is still a pretty amazing thing I think.

I got a mention in the New York Times last year which was kind of nice. But the more I think about it, the more I’m like “Wow the New York Times just said I’m trans and nothing about the actual art I made in the show.” Like that’s not engaging very much with the themes/formal approach I take to my work. It’s just a statement about my identity. I have it quoted on my facebook because it’s cute and hilarious, but also yeah not about the art. What about the art man!?!

I’m coming up with a class to teach next year and I wish it could be game development, but ALSO there’s a very steep learning curve to game development and I feel like I’m more of a video making expert. Although I made two games. BUT knowing how to solve problems in coding takes me a long time. I worked on Carmilla the Lonely for 14 months. That’s a long time! And a one semester class for people new to game development, I don’t want to overload them. Or make them try to do something overly ambitious. Ambitious work is great but when it’s a class project and you have other classes and genuinely can’t spent 14 months on a game it seems bad. I know I could scale it back to like, ONE small game. I don’t know I gotta decide soon though! Video or video game? Ohhhh it’s so hard both are so fun.

I did a class talk recently and someone asked me how I knew what story would be better told in a game or a film and like, honestly you could easily do either one with any kind of story really. I guess films have more precision in how the story unfolds. But you can force a narrative the same way in a video game. So I think there’s really similar really. I remember the first time someone talked to me about doing a video game, they said it was the same as film and that there was a lot of crossover potential. And I was like noooo no video games. Ha ha!

I’m glad it’s Easter weekend, I needed a break! I’ve been dealing with various things, some serious some not. A lot of energy being spent on certain things though when I would hope I can spend it elsewhere. But it’s calming down and I think I’ll be able to focus on things soon. Better!

I’ve been having a lot of spiritual experiences these days which is interesting but not something I talk about a lot except maybe on Facebook to my friends. I’ve been smelling “ghostly” sage off and on. Not constantly, maybe only three times in the last month. But when I do smell it it’s usually because things are hard and I’m being supported by ancestors. I assume anyway, that’s the sense I get. I’ve also felt the presence of some relatives who are on the other side. That’s been the most comforting I think. My ancestors were very powerful people in their own way and for various reasons. And before my Grandpa died I didn’t know how to communicate with them, because the majority of them I had never met in my life.

Last year after a major event in my career, I was walking with my friend Mikiki to go get lunch and saw an eagle feather laying on the ground right in front of us. It was a really nice one too, like a big wingtip eagle feather. A left wing feather. Ha ha that’s cute. BUT I had been looking for an eagle feather for a while, I’d been telling my Mom I wanted one and thinking about looking into those applications for eagle feathers. There’s a lot of laws around how to get them because they are protected. People do gift them for things like graduations and stuff. But like, you can’t go buy one, or kill/harass eagles to get them (that would be so awful). And it’s weird to ASK for a gift, that’s not how gifts work. So it kind of came in a perfect way to me because it just naturally fell out while the eagle was flying, and I did think it was my Grandpa looking out for me and congratulating me.

Spiritual things like that happening are really comforting. I don’t think I’m a religious person but I am a spiritual person. I know I’m not a hardcore traditionalist at all. But I definitely have a very specific nêhiyaw world view and moral compass that I think is supported by my spiritual beliefs. And some of it is just beliefs supported by my life experiences. Like trees having spirits (I know because I made one angry once) and rocks having spirits (rocks are animate in nêhiyawewin and I also have a rock companion I’ve carried for 32 years). I don’t think everyone needs to believe the same things. I just know what I believe to be true.

My dogs are constantly licking my head since I started shaving it. It was funny at first but after the 5th head licking session in a day it gets to be a bit much. I’m getting exposed to some kind of horrible dog germs. I think also it was only an occasional thing when it was just Posey. But now it’s Posey AND Todd and it’s like licking my head is a competition between them. I can’t handle it!

Ha ha what a random ADHD post, men recognizing I’m a boy/man, spirituality, head licking.

I’m trying not to post too much about things I already made a statement about. I don’t really have anything to add or want to encourage more manufactured outrage towards me. I’m glad people are still reading it though because it covers most of the current situation.

I went to the GTA24 openings at Museum of Contemporary Art this week because I have two videos installed on the third floor. The openings were fun, I’m SUPER wiped out today though and I need a break. I’ve been losing sleep the last few weeks and trying to catch up on it is hard because a puppy is very similar to a baby in terms of going to bed late and waking up early and needing things. He’s exhausting but so sweet and FINALLY we are getting a handle on Todd’s biting, which has been an issue for a while. But he’s less bitey now. He’s also more social than Posey, or like, a promising kind of social because he’s a bit standoffish when he meets people but he does warm up.

I’ve got to catch up on work this next week. I’m behind on a few projects. I know one has priority because we’re trying to get it done SOON so I’m hopeful to be able to finish it next week. I also have all these meetings and so on going on.

AH work is boring ha ha why do I always end up talking about it here? It’s also especially boring when I’m like “I’m doing things I can’t tell you about.” BORING no one wants vagueness like that.

My transition is fine, I feel like things are always changing but it’s slower and more subtle now and a lot of the main changes happened so there’s not much NEW NEW stuff happening. I’m STILL waiting for my birth certificate and every time I contact Saskatchewan to find out about it they just tell me information from the website and don’t actually look up my application to see if it was processed. I have to assume it’s fine because they would have called me if something was out of order. BUT ALSO it’s a clearly transsexual birth certificate right now because they are supposed to process a gender change on it, and I don’t know I do feel kind of vulnerable about that because Saskatchewan isn’t a very progressive province. They have a form JUST for the gender change that I had to get notarized and my doctor to sign, so it SHOULD be fine. Like there’s a process for it, it’s not unheard of. But yeah I am suspicious of them anyway PLUS I need it asap so I can get a passport again because I have work in the US coming up. So frustrating.

I’ve got a job that is going to start in August so that’s really promising, it’s a year long artist in residence position. I’m looking forward to it and will give more details in the future when a certain creep isn’t so eager to contact all the orgs I work with to tell them to fire me. I did give them a heads up that someone is harassing me and might make contact with them in the future. I’ve been very upfront and proactive with all the orgs I am working with about the situation and for the most part they’ve been supportive of me except for one that didn’t wait to hear my side of things. But that org can go suck a lemon.

I’ve really gotten into these Djarum Black Bliss clove cigarettes. They don’t have tobacco in them because you can’t have flavoured tobacco in Canada, which is the only reason I’ve started smoking them again. If they were a gateway to regular tobacco again I would skip them. But they’re nice! I used to love the old school Djarum Blacks. Such a goth cigarette ha ha. OMFG OKAY please do not let this rando comment influence you to smoke tho I’ve already been called a bad role model for smoking weed. And they aren’t good for your lungs anyway.

I don’t know about being a role model at all though. I do stuff and people admire it and that’s nice. But I don’t really want people to do things just because I do them. Like, if you don’t smoke weed now please do not go buy some just because your fave people smoke it. NO to peer pressure! On the other hand I do want people to be respectful to trans 2 Spirit and Indigiqueer people. So I guess I feel that’s a good influence. Ha ha omg I never wanted to be an influencer though. Nightmare. Some festival paid me once to be an Influencer for their festival but I felt kind of silly. It’s not like I have a huge huge following anyway. Maybe it made someone buy ONE ticket ha ha I dunno.

Posey is doing ok with Todd, but every time I try to cuddle her he wants to get involved, which makes me sad. He usually starts wrestling with her. But she and I used to cuddle so much before Todd arrived and she would actually come over and stand on my chest to get hugs and now she doesn’t do that. I think Todd will calm down and not bother her as he grows older. But Posey’s heart murmur is quite serious and she might not have more than 15 months left, which is REALLY sad and something I didn’t find out until after I got Todd. She’s only 10, and Little Mister lived to be 16 but he was in pretty good health up until maybe 2 or 3 years before his death. And I do love Posey a lot, she’s been my crabby rock. There are temperament things about her that were difficult though, or are difficult, and I know it will be easier with Todd on his own to be a dog I can actually bring with me a lot of places. Because Posey’s always been so crabby with strangers and other dogs.

I’m happy that they get along, that was a longstanding fear of mine about introducing another dog to the house. But Posey does deserve some love and dignity in her last days and I’m so worried I can’t provide that with a very demanding puppy around. I’m not going to get rid of either of them though, they’re both important and loved by me. But I have to figure out how to give both of them the best life together and meet both of their needs.

When I got Posey, Little Mister was seven years old. So technically a senior but really he still had almost half his whole life left to live. And he had a good life. Even when he was a senior with health issues he had a good life. But Posey is exactly ten years older than Todd and it’s a big difference. I wasn’t ready for a new dog until this year, but I almost wonder if I should have gotten a puppy a while ago when Posey was in better health.

ANYWAY I am going to a movie later, and hopefully the gym although there was a storm here and I’m reluctant to go out in all that snow. It’s probably mostly cleared though. I haven’t had time to go to the gym this week except for Boxing class on Sundays. And that’s a very intense 2 hour class, BUT weightlifting at the gym is so nice! Listening to tunes, trying to impress myself by lifting more than before. Looking at all the cute guys. And I’ve been going for long enough to be a regular but I’ve missed so many days and it’s bumming me out!

I am really trying to learn my language. My Grandpa was a fluent nêhiyawewin speaker, but didn’t teach his children when they were young. We all did learn like, the bare essentials though. Like awas (which means go away) and astum (which means come here) and other random words. He tried to teach me when I was younger. But anyway it’s been something I work on off and on.

I think part of having an Indigiqueer identity is trying to go back to my original language to find terms to refer to myself. When I came out as a trans man I was using the word napêhkân to refer to myself which means “looks and lives like a man.” But it’s one of those words where sort of context and deeper meaning is a bit unsure. Like was it a slur? But also it might not have been a slur at all.

But also as I’ve gotten more and more used to my lived experience as a man, I feel less and less like “looks and lives like a man” is an appropriate identifier for myself as a trans man. I’m not someone who goes around saying I don’t want to be referred to as trans. But somehow napêw (man in Plains Cree) matches me more these days than napêhkân.

I think also that Cree masculinity is a specific thing, so calling myself a napêw is more accurate to who I am than “looks and lives like a man.” Like there is a certain kind of softness and kindness that a lot of nêhiyaw men have, and I recognized that even before I began to identify fully as a man.

I know sometimes with intersectional identities like mine, people like you to rate your identities. Like it’s a very weird thing, like put them on a scale which is the identity with the most privilege vs the identity with the least privileged. Or which community shuns you more, Indigenous communities for being a queer, or queer communities for being Indigenous? It’s kinda nefarious. And also too binary thinking. I don’t like rating my communities like that.

Truth is more complicated than that. Mostly I have been supported by those communities I belong to. I think there is a racism problem in the Queer/Trans community and also a homophobia/transphobia problem in Indigenous communities. BUT I don’t find talking about those issues helpful in terms of trying to figure out which identity/community I favour more. I honestly like all the communities I belong to, even when they don’t all like me.

I’m still working on my intro. Artists are always doing intros on panels and stuff and most Indigenous artists have developed some kind of intro in their language. I don’t have one yet. I don’t even have a spirit name to be honest, or rather I DO but I don’t know it yet because I haven’t gone to a ceremony over it. But you’re not supposed to really tell anyone those names anyway (at least in the teachings I have gotten you don’t). BUT I could at least say my community and that I am a nêhiyaw napêw. But I guess I’m also aware that it’s a language only certain people understand, so I have a chance to say something profound for a very small audience. It’s very intimidating to try and think of a word!

I know there’s a word for filmmaker and I should probably look it up again. I’m taking a Cree class again and it’s time to finally work on a real introduction for myself in nêhiyawewin.

Back to scheduled programming which is really just my life in a nutshell. Todd has been growing and learning! We’ve had three puppy classes so far, he’s getting used to being on transit and in cabs in a bag. He’s a handy bag size still, which is good because it’s convenient for me. And yes his head sticks out, I do not carry him around inside a ZIPPED bag. At some point tho he’s gonna be too big for the bag and I’ll have to just tote him around on transit on his little legs. He’s already gotten very looooooooong. Today a friend came over and he tried to eat her hair, which was pretty funny/ridiculous. I’m glad he made a friend! He also tried to hump her tho, shame shame ha ha. But it’s the first time I’ve seen him warm up that well for someone, he’s a very standoffish little pup to strangers. I guess he likes people to play with him. I’m learning new things about him all the time.

I’ve been doing well otherwise. Work is still going mostly as planned, which is nice. People have been supportive in messages to me which is always good. I’ve got some new projects cooking and also trying to finish up some older projects, or at least get them into a more developed phase. Including my VERY OVERDUE script for a new new project. I honestly think though that since it’s a film with a trans man protagonist I needed more lived experience before I could write it in a more honest way. And now I’ve been an out trans man for almost two years, so I’ve learned a lot about what that feels like. There’s been more euphoria than anything else in my experience though. I’ve been fortunate by living in a larger urban centre, and knowing a lot of other trans men who were already friends before I came out. So it’s been easier for me at this point. HOWEVER I do remember trying to come out in Saskatoon as a trans man in 2007 and how complicated it was, how difficult to access health care and also it’s just such a small place it was hard to find dates. I did go back in the closet not long after coming out that time. BUT ALSO I kept packing a dick on and off ever since then. So something was still brewing I guess.

I’m still in the middle of name change stuff. I’m waiting to get my birth certificate, they were supposed to have processed it now, but it’s not arrived in the mail yet. I hope it comes soon because I have places to be! Mostly in the USA. I have other places to be domestically, but my Aeroplan is STILL under my old name, which is frustrating. I sent them the documents a while back and they said it would be two weeks. It’s been three weeks now. So Air Canada you can go suck a lemon! Westjet changed my name in their system within 48 hours. Which is WAY more reasonable. I called the birth certificate place to find out where my birth certificate is and all they did was inform me of information already on their website. Which is not helpful. I guess it’s in the mail somewhere. Or in a pile to be mailed out. Who knows.

Posey is now on medication for her heart murmur. It’s $100 a month. Poor baby! Poor wallet! She hates pills so I’ve been sneaking them to her in a ball of cranberry and pepper Boursin. Which she loves so she always is stoked to take her pill now. I wish I’d realized this was the easiest way to pill her earlier in her life! I tried other things before without any success.

I mean she has a point tho, if someone was trying to sneak something to me, probably putting it in some Cranberry and Pepper Boursin would do it.

I took a bit of a weed pause over the last couple of weeks, but it’s gone back to regular usage. I just needed to be super clear for a week, and it did help! My resting heart rate has been elevated but it is slowly going back to my regular range. I got blood drawn at the lab the other day and it was kind of HORRIFYING because it was SOOOO thick and viscous. I was curious so I looked it up and blood gets thicker and stickier during fight or flight stress responses, because your body assumes you are being chased by a lion or attacked by someone with a knife or something, so it makes your blood easier to clot and save you from bleeding out. Okay, first of all thank you body, for evolving and adapting like that. But also WTF?!?! That can’t be good in the long term.

I mean the funny thing though is it wasn’t really me I was worried about. I was thinking about people in war zones like Gaza where that stress response has been ongoing for months. I can’t imagine what that would do to your longterm health.

Humanity can be so brutal. I have felt supported by my community recently though and I am def grateful for that, and also hopeful that my blood goes back to regular programming.

I’ve been working within the Indigenous/Indigiqueer art world since 1995. As a 2 Spirit filmmaker, my community has been the site of my deepest care and love. I have strived to not only make work for and about my community, I have also worked hard to improve access to video making skills for Indigenous and BIPOC youth by teaching workshops with different organizations. I have always strived to treat these youth with the care they deserve and to help amplify their voices. I have also served on several boards to support the arts communities in Vancouver and Toronto. I have championed numerous emerging Indigiqueer/2 Spirit artists in Canada and Internationally.

When KIN was being written, my working relationship with Jas Morgan was still functional. After we shot KIN, another project (the Union Docs Fellowship) was in the middle of wrapping up. Jas Morgan was the editor for a book of scholarly writing on my work. I had concerns about the direction the book had taken and sent what I hoped was a delicate private email about it. Jas Morgan did not respond well and began sending multiple emails with personal attacks against me, including calling me an ableist slur. It was during their rage at this time that they started sowing seeds accusing me of harassment. I felt at this time that continuing to engage with Jas was too damaging and stopped responding. I also asked Jas not to email me again. They did not respect my boundary and instead sent five more emails over the course of the next year. I read some of them, I did not read all of them. I felt Jas’ behaviour was detrimental to my wellbeing and was trying to defuse the situation.

KIN was still important to me of course because it was a story of and from our communities, and also from my personal life. A lot of 2 Spirit/Indigiqueer youth were involved in the making of KIN. I was not fired from KIN. I completed my work and was paid my full fee both for writing and directing. I continued to give notes during the post-production process. However I felt uncomfortable with Jas’ involvement and tried to keep my distance. During the publicity phase of KIN I became acutely aware that I was being excluded and erased. I recently received what felt like aggressive emails from Jas over the matter of the artist fee for KIN from ImagineNATIVE. They said the artist fee was going to the production company and to stop harassing them. They also threatened to sue me. I again asked them to stop emailing me and again they disregarded that request and immediately emailed again.

Throughout this experience I have attempted to minimize harm. I felt that Jas was going to leverage KIN and their role as producer against me, which they have. I also felt that it was inevitable since the breakdown of our working relationship in October 2022 that they would attempt to publicly defame me, which they have.

I don’t know if youth took issue with me for behaviour on set, but if they did I would ask them to talk to me. I know approaching someone you might have conflict with is hard. In which case I encourage them to find a trusted elder to approach me to begin mediation proceedings. I would also like any of the Femmes Jas has accused me of mistreating to reach out. I would like these allegations to not be so vague so that I may come to an understanding with the unnamed youth and Femmes Jas has accused me of mistreating.

I did not sexually harass Jas. This is factually false.

I have huge respect for Femmes, youth, and all of my colleagues. I know based on the messages I have been receiving that this is a pattern of behaviour which has been recognized by many people in the Indigenous arts community, most of whom are too afraid to publicly speak because of Jas Morgan’s personal attacks. I cannot tell you what to believe, as our beliefs are personal. However I will say I believe myself to be innocent of these allegations and that this is a smear campaign for Jas to gain power over me now that both projects we were involved with are over.

Since Jas Morgan’s defamatory posts about me both on their personal Instagram and the Instagram for KIN the Series, I have lost an employment opportunity directly related to this smear campaign. I am a fully self-employed artist who needs to use the Food Bank, without the benefit of an academic institution behind me like Jas Morgan has at SFU.

It is very unfortunate that creative disputes end up becoming mired in specious allegations of harassment and abuse and that I am forced to respond to these unfounded and untrue allegations.

This is a short message to let you know I am asking people not to support KIN the series since the producer has been extremely laterally violent towards me since the shoot. Do not screen it, do not support it, do not ask me if I can help you screen it because it is out of my hands.

I’ve updated my name so many places. All my utility companies except Rogers, Rogers doesn’t bill me directly anyway but at some point I should update them. I updated with CRA on my personal tax account, but the business one gave me trouble because the guy said my name didn’t match (of course it doesn’t! Because I am changing it!) so I got angry and hung up on him. I have to change my SIN but I need my birth certificate before I can do that. I need to do my Status Card so I have an appointment at the beginning of April. I’m hoping to do my passport soon but obviously I’m waiting for that birth certificate still.

I checked the birth certificate processing times and it has jumped to the end of January applications. Mine was the beginning of February so I am hoping they get to it soon! I don’t know how frequently they update processing times because for the longest time it said beginning of January and today jumped to the end of January. So who knows! It might just show up one morning.

I’m also busy with work again. I am doing a jury so that’s a lot of reading and listening and watching. It’s publicly known I am on this jury so I think it’s fine to mention here. I’ve been on other juries where I had to keep things confidential and that’s always awkward because I like talking about what I am working on on my fb and when I’m doing those juries I’m just like “yep I did work today, I’m finally done work for the week, etc.” No elaboration! I’m not really going to elaborate on this jury either though because my opinions are only for the jury.

I did figure out how many applications I need to get through so that I can work on weekdays and have weekends off. So today is my last day for the week on these applications since it’s Friday. I started in the morning this time, because I was doing afternoons only but that left me still doing work and exhausted by 6:30 when it was dinner time. And too late to go to the gym!

I might get behind today tho because I have to go to the lab to do bloodwork. It’s time for my PrEP to get prescribed again but they need to do the STI check so yeah, and I flaked yesterday which means when they test my testosterone it won’t be at the right level since I do those checks on Thursday. Dammit. And I already got my emergency ten pills so I really need to do it today so I can get the rest of my prescription next week.

I miss the gym a lot, and I kind of avoided it for two weeks after hurting myself at boxing class. So I am hoping tonight I can go. I really want to work out again and I’m feeling way too sedentary. It’s been really gender euphoric to see my muscles get bigger, although I’m painfully aware I’m not eating enough to really bulk up. Anyway hopefully I didn’t lose any gains.

My new puppy Todd loves music and it’s really cute. I finally got a video today because it’s this one song he loves, the orchestral version of Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine. He sits up and starts tilting his head in wonder, it’s honestly so adorable. I’ve mostly been listening to youtube videos of tarot readers, so I haven’t been listening to as much music as I usually do. I notice he acts the same way for some other tunes but it’s always that one song he loves without fail. So cute! I love him.

My therapist told me before I got him that I could bring him with me to therapy sometime if I want. I do want to, but he’s still not great with pee pads. Also I feel weird about bringing a pee pad with me to therapy. But puppies are so cute and Todd is shy but more friendly than Posey, so he could meet my therapist.

He’s still very nippy. I’m starting his puppy classes next week finally so I’m hoping to stop that. He got cancelled for an earlier puppy class because no other dogs signed up. It was kind of frustrating because he only has March left to be able to do the classes, and if they keep getting cancelled he is going to age out of the program and my money will have been spent on nothing.

ANYWAY ugh. He’s not four months yet but he’s three months and time is ticking.

He’s not very smart about the leash and walkies. When I put him on his leash he wants to sit down until I pick him up again. I could probably get him walking if we took Posey, but she likes long walks and I have been taking her out on her own, and I don’t think he could keep up with her for that long yet.

It is nice raising a baby dog again though, even though sometimes he stresses me out. He barks at Posey if she is chewing something and it bothers both of us. So I’m hoping he grows out of it.

I am reading We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan, and it’s really fascinating. For one thing, it’s cool to see what he was going through to transition way back then. For another thing his gay sex adventures are amazing and it’s nice to read someone so unabashedly horny. I have kept a private diary for years but haven’t known what to do with it because it’s filled with sexual fantasies and angst. But maybe that will be interesting to someone in 30 years, if humanity survives that long. I also liked the parts where he talks about what it’s like to be stealth in some places in his life and his anxiety about being discovered.

I’ve had this longstanding routine after therapy to go to the bakery and get two apple turnovers and two Jamaican beef patties. This last time I went I also got a fresh loaf of bread and OMG. My life quality went up just from this loaf of bread. It’s so much better than the store bread. So I think I have to add that to my routine even tho it’s an extra seven or eight dollars.

I’ve noticed my taste in men is like, very open, but I really like guys with facial hair. Like very masculine I suppose. I am still attracted to Femme women though. I find it kind of interesting that the genders I am attracted to are so divergent. If I liked Femme women and men maybe that would make more sense? I don’t know. Maybe sexuality just doesn’t make sense.

I love some people in my life, but I haven’t fallen massively IN love in a long time. It’s kind of depressing sometimes if I think about it too hard. The last time I was in love I was like, wanting EVERYTHING. And now I feel like my internal passion and need and want is kind of gone. Maybe that’s a good thing? It’s not like I don’t have people who want to date me, or even who ARE dating me. It’s just that that obsessive LOVE is gone from my life. I was reading part of Lou’s diary where he’s super in love and it’s so weird to read that as someone who isn’t in love. I can kind of remember what that felt like. But I can’t feel it anymore.

I’m also wondering if I am just being more cautious about love. I’ve thrown my whole heart at so many emotionally unavailable people, and I don’t want to do that anymore. And there’s really not anyone emotionally available who I’m falling for around me. So there’s no where to throw my whole heart. I’m in that weird phase after heartbreak where the emotions just kind of lean back to the past only because there’s no new amazing person to dream of a future with.

I was having anxiety that I would lose my therapist and she assured me she wasn’t retiring any time soon, but if she won the lottery she would make art and travel. And I thought that was nice but then later realized that’s what I’m doing now. I mean, I didn’t win the lottery though. BUT I am living out my dreams. I always wanted to be an artist and always wanted to travel. It would be nice to have a partner to travel with. But yeah I need to be swept off my feet and it’s just not happened recently.

Last night in bed I was thinking about confronting an ex who cut me off for no good reason (we didn’t have a fight to my knowledge, but she has a grudge against me for some reason) and then I was like NOOOO do not send an Instagram message at 3am, that’s a terrible idea! So I didn’t. Why do the worst ideas come between 12 and 3am?

My Driver’s License arrived! It’s got my name on it and an M instead of an F so I am pretty happy with it, plus I look decent, which is way better than my sad old driver’s license photo. I went to the bank today with that and my name change form and changed my name. And then I came home and opened my bank account website and updated it on all the places there (it still has a ms in there for some reason tho!) and I ordered new cheques too. I should get them this week. I really gotta shred my old cheques. I literally only ever use it for rent. But anyway, cheques in my real name will be nice. I also tested my interac e-transfer and because I changed my email address in the bank website, it updated my name in Interac. So people won’t see my deadname when sending me money or receiving money from me.

I lost my business debit card which is a concern, I think I put it in a pocket somewhere but I don’t know where. The pin wasn’t working anyway so I think it’s a dead card, but the account is still active so I gotta resolve that. I also gotta call Visa and change my name there too but I’m having issues finding which number to call.

Paypal was easy to change, they just wanted an upload of my driver’s license front and back. They changed it almost immediately also, which was nice. No more being deadnamed in my paypal! And my paypal me was just Tcuthand anyway so it’s the same.

I have to change my name on my Aeroplan too, so I uploaded my documents and hopefully in a few days I will get my name updated. Then I can buy plane tickets again! Sort of. I think I will still need my new passport to buy international tickets.

I was going to call Indian Affairs to make an appointment for my new card, but by then the office had closed for the day, so I’ll have to try tomorrow. I don’t think I need a birth certificate, I think they just need my ID. I will ask though. But they will have my old Status card to reference.

My birth certificate is still in the queue to be processed, right now they are still doing the beginning of January birth certificates and my forms arrived at the beginning of February. So at least a month still to wait for them to show up I guess, unless they suddenly speed through them. But I’m looking forward to it arriving because then I can go to the passport office and get my application in. It will probably be a long wait at the office but I’ve heard it’s better to go in instead of doing it by mail.

But now I have photo ID in my real name so basically it opens up a whole bunch of things I can change my name in. PLUS gender because there’s an M on there.

It’s kind of intense how quickly I have been doing my transition, both medically and legally. But I just feel some stress and dread seeing what is going on politically about right wing politicians leveraging transphobia for votes right now, so it seems like I should get as much done as I can right now. Also I do like traveling and having an accurate passport is important for me, especially when I am going through borders. ALSO though it just took a really long time for me to decide what I wanted to do with my gender so it feels like I don’t have to hesitate so much anymore.

There was an Indigenous non-binary person named Nex Benedict who was murdered in their school washroom by some cis girls in Oklahoma recently. It’s awful to think that 2 Spirit people are still getting murdered on our own lands. There’s so much hateful rhetoric in the world right now, and it’s fueled by Christian fundamentalism which isn’t even the religion most people practice in North America. But they would LIKE IT to be the one we all follow. Fuck that. Indigenous spirituality had a place for us and that’s the practice I still follow mostly. I hope Nex is with their ancestors being loved the way they were meant to be.