The countdown is on!  Friday morning at 5:30 the plane will be taking off with me and my two dogs in it, heading for Toronto! I’m getting excited.  I think I will just stay around where my temporary home is on Friday, but Saturday we are going in to Toronto to hunt down a place! I really hope it works out!

My stuff is almost all packed.  There are just a few boxes left that need to be finished.  But there is a lot done!  I am leaving a bunch of video tapes behind.  I figure I can move them when I know which ones I want to keep.  Mom is staying in this house until the spring, so I have that much time at least.

I’m worried about how Posey is gonna be on the plane flight.  She’s gonna hate it, if she hates cars she will hate the plane even more!  But she will be so happy to see me on the other end!  Little Mister I am not too worried about, I think he will be fine.  He takes things in stride a lot easier than Posey.  He was a show puppy in his youth.

Mom says she’s gonna miss Posey.  She has been really funny around here.  She’s such a goofy puppy!  And she has such long legs!

I hope my little fuzzy family is okay!  I worry about them.  I think they will adjust.  It’s just all the unknowns that freak me out!

But everything is gonna change soon, and I think in the end my life will be better for it.  I’ve been wanting to get out of Saskatoon for a long time, and finally I have a chance, so I had better go for it.  And I think there will be more dating options out there, which is really nice.    Whew.

I have to get my phone unlocked, take the pups for kennel cough vaccinations tomorrow, get some medications for the month, finish packing, help the movers take my stuff, and then . . . and then I think I’m done!  Just getting ready for leaving after that!  I think my movers are coming tuesday, I hope it’s then anyway!

My gofundme is going well!  I’ve raised $800 so far!  Yay!  I’m feeling like I might make my goal!

I also got some back gst today!  Which is what I was hoping for before I move.  And it will go to my movers, so that’s good!!

I’m still woefully unaware of funding decisions for school and I have no clue about being given a TA/GA-ship.  I have to apply, but they aren’t posting any that are in my field yet.  I think they said they would post them in the middle of August.

I need to get serious about packing.  There are assorted things I have to do.  Like get my iPhone unlocked.  And call the vet and get some kennel cough stuff for my dogs done in case they have to go to the kennel in Toronto while I find a place.  Really I should just make a list of things to do.  I have a place to stay now when I get to Toronto, except it’s not in Toronto it’s in Mississauga.  BUT I can stay with my pups, and I can come to Toronto a few times before I move to look for places and get my student id and stuff.  I’m thinking of asking a friend in Toronto to let me use their mailing address for my mail.  Just while I find a more permanent place.

My grandpa keeps asking if I have enough money for school, and I don’t, YET! But I think/hope I will be okay.  I have about three back up plans going right now. So hopefully one of them will work out for me.  Or ALL of them will work out and then I can cancel some and go with the best option.  So it’s just a matter of waiting and seeing.  And it’s so close, I mean school starts in less than a month!

The other thing that has me panicking is the search for a home for September.  I have been looking for months but either places are too expensive or they don’t want dogs living with them.  Right now my cousin and I are looking for a two bedroom, but I don’t know anymore if that is for sure because she had to spend a lot of money on her dog’s vet bills and I’m not sure she can afford first and last month’s rent anymore.  I’m hoping I will find a place. I’m reducing my requirements for a home, in particular in regards to location, just so I will have a better chance of finding something.  But I am not sure what’s gonna happen.  Also having no idea of my living allowance is freaking me out a bit, and hindering my ability to confidently state my rental budget.

I read that homeless women in Toronto are getting sexually assaulted frequently and it made me freak out a bit because I don’t want to wind up homeless in a big city, AGAIN, and I’m not sure how I could do school and having dogs without a place to live.  Ugh.  Moving sucks ass, man!  It seems so exciting, but there are so many terrible pitfalls to it. Especially when you have pets.

So blah!  I look at the ryerson taga site every weekday, and the off campus housing listings, and kijiji, and craigslist, and viewit, and two facebook groups for rental properties which are mostly looking for roommates.  And it’s pretty boring.  And really we can’t go look at any places until I get there, because now my cousin can’t even afford to go to Toronto once a week for viewings.  🙁

Stress sucks.  Blah!

So that’s what I’ve been doing!  Not very exciting. Change is such a weird process. I’ve stopped looking at profiles on OKC because I’ve stopped being remotely interested in potential girlfriends. Like, where would I take them?  I think I’ll be more interested when I’m settled a little bit more.  When I have a schedule and a place to live.  It will happen, eventually. I’m starting to think about looking for a sublet for September, but also I think I should just find a place for good for September.

Well, since tuition and fees are due on September 6th and I’m pretty sure everything I am applying for is gonna take longer than that, I think my fellowship is just gonna go straight to tuition.  Which kinda sucks.  I hope I can get some kind of TA/GA job.  Or living allowance.  Or something.  I’m just hoping that things line up for me.  It’s stressing me out.

My gofundme campaign is going well, I’ve got 665 today.  Which is a hell of a lot more than I had before.  I’m hoping my back gst gets deposited in the next couple of weeks, but I think CRA is gonna drag it’s feet on that.  Which also sucks.

UGH! I am so tired!  Also I don’t think any artist fees are coming my way.  Which is too bad.  I don’t know why I am writing, I’m really really tired.  I should just go to bed.

I’ve been taking a new generic wellbutrin because Indian Affairs won’t pay for a brand name if a generic is available.  Well yeah, it’s available but it SUCKS!  I’ve been noticing a creeping depression sneaking up on me and it’s been years since I have been depressed because Wellbutrin works so good!  The REAL Wellbutrin.  This shit is crap!  So I’m gonna have to fork over money to pay for it, because Indian Affairs has the shittiest health plans EVER!  Worse than Social Assistance health coverage.  Literally a white person on welfare would have better coverage than me.  Because Fuck NDNs.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

So tomorrow morning I am gonna call and try to get a week’s worth of wellbutrin and switch my meds back to the regular stuff, and pay for it.  When I try to google how much it costs I seem to end up with prices for American consumers and it’s totally insane, like over 200 for 90 days.  I seem to remember a month being about 27 dollars here, so I am hoping that is true.  HOPE HOPE HOPE!

I was reading about generic buproprion and how they had problems with it in the past because it didn’t have time release, it would release all at once and therefore was not effective.  I have a suspicion that is what it is doing again.

I know there’s this cuddly warm feeling about generics like they are giving a chance at health to poor people, but sometimes making a generic that doesn’t work when the brand name is amazing is SUCH A BAD IDEA!  Especially because poor people usually have health insurance that will refuse to cover a brand name when a generic is available.  SO REALLY you are providing a lower standard of health to poor people. Great going Mr. Generic!

But I mean, thats the same with everything isn’t it?
I HATE BEING POOR!

I bet I will feel a million times better when I get the real Wellbutrin in my system again.  I thought I was going onto week 4 with my meds, but I’m only on day one of week 3!  And I already feel this shitty!

Also I need to get back on track because I cannot move when I am feeling suicidal.  It’s just not right.  And I know, logically, that it makes absolutely no sense.  It’s just the stupid chemicals in my crazy brain!  Fuck mental illness.  It’s not cool, it’s just a pain in the ass! I hate people who wish they were crazy, it’s not fun! Get your street cred some other way!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to Regina.  And it will be good.  I’m gonna pick up better meds in the morning, so hopefully they will kick in soon.

Remember, I am crowdfunding to get through to October in grad school with no band funding!  Kick a few dollars my way if you can, it takes debit too if you know your bank account number I do believe!

So today I got word that I am number 9 on the waitlist for funding from my reserve!  That gives me a shot at getting funding in January after a few people have dropped out due to whatever life circumstances, but right now I am focused on getting through my first semester.

So I have started a Go Fund Me!  You can check it out here!  Any little bit helps, and I am giving out some sweet rewards!

I’m exploring other funding avenues too, but if you have ever wanted to support my work or me in anyway, here is your chance!

Thanks a bunch for being a good reader!  If you don’t have disposable cash to donate, then spread the word!

SO!  I am gonna start packing soon!  I’ve been going through my books trying to find ones to give away.  I think I gave away all the ones I don’t need.  Maybe I will go through them again.  I have until August 10th to pack, and then the movers come and take away my things!  Goodbye things!

Little Mister and Posey are doing well.  Little Mister was humping her today and he had an erection, which is rare but happens on the odd occasion.  SUPER rare because he has no testicles.  ANYWAY he was mainly humping the air, her leg, no where near any orifices.  Super awkward!!

I found a job on the TAGA Ryerson page, I’m gonna get my resume up to snuff and apply.  I’m basically just gonna apply to any job that I feel I could do well on that site and see what happens.  It would give me more to live on, which would be nice.

I still don’t know if I will be funded by Little Pine.  It’s Wednesday, halfway through the week that I was told they MIGHT meet again.  It’s also near the end of July, September 1st is creeping up fast!

What else?  Oh just a bunch of arty stuff I have to do!

My computer is much happier though, I feel a lot better about it.

I’m still waiting for magic beans to show up and pay for my move and my first and last months rent.  Also I still don’t have a place to live, but that is ok, something will happen!

So I finally got to the bottom of my laptop problems, a faulty graphics card.  The Graphics card in a Macbook is attached to the Logic Board.  The logic board is a major piece of a computer (from what I have gathered) and cost me $904 with taxes and labour to replace.  Crap!  So I paid it.  I had to scrounge up a bunch of money and also borrow 130 from my mom.  I have six dollars and sixty six cents in my bank account.  I’m doing a performance at the end of the month, which will give me some more money towards my move.

OOh! Just got 60 bucks reimbursed from my kennel I had to buy for Little Mister! 😀

Anyway, I am working on some writing, finally.  I got interrupted a bunch of times with taking my computer in to get fixed and stuff.  I actually resorted to longhand for a monologue I am doing in Regina soon.  It’s only three pages in, and I need ten minutes, so it’s gonna be a while!

I’m still waiting to hear from my reserve if I have been funded to go to school.  It’s taking a really long time!

Besides the whole thing with my computer, I’ve also been dealing this week with a letter from Canada Council saying I was ineligible to apply to the last grant deadline, along with a copy of a final report form for me to fill out.  The thing was that my final report was approved in March, and I had put it in the mail just before the deadline.  So I wanted to know what the hell happened and sent an email Monday with a copy of my stub saying the final report had been approved, didn’t hear anything for days, sent another email Thursday, and then on Friday got an email basically saying that since it wasn’t approved by the deadline I was ineligible.  I still don’t know why they waited until all the official grant results came out to tell me that (four months later), and didn’t tell me earlier.  Also I don’t know if they pulled it before the peer assessment process or after.  Also I have sent final reports and grant applications in at the same time before and it’s been okay, so I don’t know why this time was different.  I’m really frustrated with their handling of this situation, and I hope if this is their new policy that they apply it equally to all applicants. It feels really unfair and I am pretty angry, especially that I had to send three emails to find out why this had happened.  Because the gist I got from the letter was that the officer didn’t even know I had put my final report in at all.

And then when I was having my really bad day, my perpetually teenage cousin decided to be a big sociopath on my wall and say a bunch of hurtful things.  She’s busy with her addictions and being an asshole, so I said some things back.  Then I blocked her, on facebook, on my cell, and on Instagram.  I think that’s all the places she knows where I am. Oh!  Ha ha, she is on Fetlife, I guess I should block her there too.  Although she just posts pics I don’t want to see anyway!

Don’t be friends with your relatives on Fetlife!  Nooooo! Bad idea!

Posey is getting better! We’ve had a lot of people at the house, and she is starting to get over barking at people.  BUT we had electricians doing work in the basement, and she went nuts for the few hours they were here.

The house still hasn’t been sold.  We have new steps, rubber paving on the front sidewalk, and a new electrical panel.  But still no interest.

Tomorrow there is another viewing, I’m gonna have to do some cleaning in the morning.  I’m getting SO tired of keeping this place Show Ready.  It looks nice and all, but it’s stressful.

I took Ativan a couple nights ago, and it made me sleepy for a good 24 hours! HOLY SHIT!  I don’t know how people do it recreationally, I was just SO TIRED! Anyway, now I am just gonna save it for super emergency needs.  Because I have things to do ya know!

Still no place to live! Still freaking out!  I keep checking kijiji, Craigslist, and Homes for Queers Toronto everyday, just in case something new jumps out at me.  Craigslist seems to have some dodgy people on it.  And some of the stipulations for living situations are ridiculous.  For instance, I might be able to understand No Pets, though I can’t live there, BUT I think the No Overnight Guests things is way over the line! How can you tell your renters they can’t have sex in your building?  That’s pretty controlling man!

I don’t have much else to say today.  I slept a lot yesterday.  Today was mostly a day at home, except for going to the Coach with Deanna and going to Grandma’s with Mom and Auntie.

Posey still pukes in the car.  Poor pup!

I’ve been apartment/roommate hunting for the past while.  Everything else is in place, except the housing thing.  BUT I have found an apartment building in my price range and within walking distance to Ryerson.  I’m waiting for the manager to fax me the application and then I am gonna fill it out and fax it back and hope for good news.  It’s tiny, I knew I would have to live in a tiny place though, and my dogs are also tiny so it’s ok.

I will just have to pay for internet, cell, and transit pass and groceries!  Which is still a lot.  BUT it’s not too bad.

I’m getting excited.  I saw my psychiatrist for possibly the last time today.  She gave me a prescription for ativan as needed when I can’t sleep, and we said our goodbyes.  Little Mister went to his groomer’s for the last time, and they gave him a little zebra striped tie instead of a bandana.  I’m saving it for special occasions.  I have to remember all the things I need to do before I leave.

Like I have to get my iPhone unlocked, so I can use it with another carrier in Toronto.  I have to get Little Mister’s vet history from his vet so I can share it with his next vet, and in case we cross the border some day.  I have to give away a whole bunch of books I don’t really want anymore.  I have to do another cull of my clothing.  I have to pack everything and get it organized and in easy to get spots for the movers.  I have to gather money for first and last month’s rent AND money for the movers.  Right now a lot of my money is coming to me in the future, the near future but still it’s not in hand.  I think I’ve got about $1000 I can access at the end of the month.  And another 1000 that has to go to rent in Toronto.

Whew.  I put 200 down on my moving expenses, and I paid for my cargo and plane ticket to Toronto.

I still haven’t heard if Little Pine is funding me.  And I still haven’t heard if Canada Council is giving me a grant.  It’s getting so close to the time I have to leave!  It’s worrisome!  I don’t know why Little Pine hasn’t made decisions yet.

I’m also worried about being poor, yet again.  I guess I am poor now.  But it’s easier here, my rent isn’t so high, and I get more a month now on disability than I will on living allowance.  It sucks.  Like, there is a $250 difference, and that’s groceries for the month!  That’s a lot of money.

I’m looking for TA/GA jobs everyday on the website, some are starting to be posted but they seem to be for math and engineering ones, which I am clearly not remotely qualified for.

ANYWAY! I am still pretty excited about leaving Saskatoon.  It’s been a super frustrating place to live, because there are so many things missing from it that I know I can get in a bigger city.  Like a queer film fest, and an Indigenous Film fest, and probably jobs because I can’t get them here because I have a Native last name and hiring folks here are deeply racist, like most of Saskatchewan.  Like, I don’t even get interviews or callbacks.  Even for things I am qualified for.  Anyway, grrrr!  And there aren’t a lot of women that I am interested in here.  Not really anyone, really.  Nobody! And I know I could get at least a couple dates in Toronto, and eventually meet someone.  And the industry I want to work in is there.  And there are more arts things.  And competition would be stiff, but that is ok.

So I’ve been ready to leave for a long time.

I’ve been so stressed out here with the house being on the market, and all the cleaning that we do for the viewings, and blah blah blah.  And then having my laptop in the shop for a while.  It’s back now!  I hope it stays home now and works properly and doesn’t mess up!  It went through two hardware tests and passed them both.

Well, time to unwind.  I promised myself when I got lappy back I would watch Community on Netflix.  So maybe I will do that.

Posey is suspicious of visitors.  My friend Kristen came over today and Posey barked and barked and barked at her.  It drove me crazy, and I couldn’t find her husher, put her outside, brought her back in, almost put her in my room but she weasled out at the last second.

Then she got over it.  Started playing with Little Mister, didn’t seem to care anymore.
But it took half an hour for her to get over it.  I’m not sure what to do.  She doesn’t bite, but she is so obviously distressed by visitors.  And then it’s over.  I really hope she grows out of it.  I should google it, maybe there is something I can do.

My computer was acting up again this morning. I had to reset the SMC. But I fiddled around for an hour before resetting it and it was ridiculous.

Today is the first! 46 days until I’m in Toronto! :O  Woah!  I am hoping that some places become available, I’m gonna check Kijiji and that FB group and the off campus housing property listings on the Ryerson website.  I’m kind of hoping for a bachelor suite, just because I am having figurative nightmares about what it’s gonna be like to integrate my pups into a shared living situation with someone who isn’t their Grandma.  I’m not so worried about Little Mister, he’s mellowed out in his old age.  But Posey, man!  I don’t want her barking at the new roommate or shit like that.

It’s late, I should go to bed.

My Grandma is nearing the end.  And so Auntie is coming in the afternoon.  Mom doesn’t want to deal with a death all on her own.  I really love my Grandma, I want to go see her tomorrow.

Something that has grown to really upset me is how very little the other Grandchildren go to see Grandma and Grandpa.  It’s like they don’t care.  I’m consistently going to see them, but the other grandchildren, nah.  Maybe once every few months.  I go a couple of times a week, minimum.  It’s one of the things I feel regret about leaving town, because after I’m gone there won’t be any grandchildren going to visit on a regular basis.  And it’s not a chore, I like going to see them, they were super involved in raising me as a little girl because my Mom was a single parent.  Anyway, it’s been on my mind.  But all I can do is visit as much as I can before I leave.