It’s two in the morning.  I realized I really need to put rules around my gambling.  I’m doing it too much.  BUT I’m gonna try harm reduction stuff and do things like leave my bank card at home when I go to the casino, and have limits on lottery tickets.

I also need to write a list of things to do.  So I am writing it here to make myself accountable.

1. Put my name on more waiting lists for co-ops in Toronto.

2. Do at least five years of back taxes so I can get my refund from Sasktel money and some GST payments.

3. Write everyday!  Even if it’s only for an hour!

4. Ummm, I can’t think of a fourth.

Anyway, it’s late.  I need to redirect my obsessions/addictions to something less costly.  Maybe I will masturbate more.  But I’m in Mom’s house, it’s awkward, I only feel comfortable when everyone’s asleep.

So much paper!  I looked at EVERY piece of paper that was in those boxes!  I had three piles, one for keeping, one for trashing, and one for sensitive papers I need to shred before recycling.  In the end I had one bankers box of letters, old statements from distributors, writings, and various bits and bobs that I thought I should keep.  I realized I moved some really junky stuff like People magazines from 2003.  What do I want with that?  I let go of a LOT of things!  I really don’t need it.  And it takes up so much room.

I have two boxes left which really just need some adjusting and then they can be put back in the corner with the other stuff I am moving.  I don’t have so much now, it’s mostly archived video tapes.  And film reels.  And books.

Next it’s the upstairs room.  I have another big box of stuff in my room, and some other things.  Just clutter stuff that I can put in a better place.

We also did some speckling and Mom painted, I have to clean the fan, Deanna cleaned the sun porch, we have to move Mom’s office downstairs and the bedroom upstairs and a bed in another room over to another room.  Whew!

The more I can pack to put away in storage for future moving to Toronto, the better.  I might have to store stuff for about two and a half months between when Mom and I move to the condo and when I leave Saskatoon for good.  But if most of my stuff is ready to go, it will simplify my life, and give me more time for looking for a place in Toronto and also getting my back taxes done.  AND I have a grant I have to finish up here too!

Busy busy busy beaver!

I’ve been helping Mom get her house ready to sell.  She has found a two bedroom condo that she has a really good chance of being able to buy, provided she sells this house.  So there has been a lot of searching for flooring, trips to Home Depot, cleaning and sorting.  I had about fifteen boxes in the basement which have been sitting down there for ages, and I ended up FINALLY going through them and deciding what to move and what to throw out, or sell in our upcoming garage sale.  There were many spiders.  I only ever saw flashes of them running away.  BUT I have pared my belongings down.  Now I just need to go through about five boxes of papers and magazines and stuff.  I’m going to go through them upstairs with Mom’s shredder next to me.  Shred old bills and film school handouts that I don’t need anymore.  And bank statements.  And stuff like that.

I have also been helping get the interior of her house looking good.  I washed walls so she could paint, and I polyfilla’d some holes and dings, and put new fluorescent tubes in the sunshine ceiling in the kitchen.  It changes the place DRASTICALLY!  I mean, we were down to one bulb, and it was just getting dimmer and dimmer in there.  I also have to wash the fan blades, and help with decluttering.  And in ten days I have to keep the house SPOTLESS for when it goes on the market and people are coming in and looking at it.  We will have six weeks to sell it, then our job will be packing things up and throwing things away and selling stuff and giving stuff away for free.

I have a lot of old Filmmaker magazines I don’t want to take with me.  I might keep the Fortean Times tho.  I really need to work on it.

It’s getting so nice here!  Finally plus temperatures!  There’s still some snow drifts hanging out in the shady spots, but they will be gone soon.

One nice thing about doing such a deep clean, especially with the basement boxes, is that I have found some stuff I was really missing!  Like I found a sock monkey my friend Louis made for me, and I found a nice shirt from Lane Bryant I had been missing for almost a year, and I found my special rock I was missing for ages.  I really love that rock!  I found it when I was about twelve or so, and it always had this feeling like it held secrets.  For instance, it’s got a bluey grey surface, but when you hold it in front of the sun light can go through it and it’s sort of a golden colour.  I’m not sure what it is, Mom thinks it’s amber.  But I’ve always had it, and sometimes it disappears and I worry it’s gone forever but it always comes back!  It’s magic!

I also found a lot of old video tapes, film reels, and cassette tapes.  And some DAT tapes and a 1GB thingly doo!  Some of that I won’t be able to use, BUT because of my paranoia about letting go of crucial media, I am keeping it.

Keep all the things!

But stuff I moved like old candles and other crap, that can go away.  Nobody needs that.  I don’t need to move it.  BUT photos and the like, I’ll keep that.

I’m wiped.  I gotta go sleep.  Posey is getting a longer snout, it’s quite cute. She’s laying in my lap, having a snooze!

I’m really tired.  Things are changing really fast.  Mom and I went looking for condos for her to live in, and she found one she has her heart set on.  So a real estate agent is coming to the house on Tuesday to assess the place and Mom is going to get the house on the market.  I have a whole bunch of crappy crap I have to get rid of so that I can take just the essentials to Toronto.  My friend Louis has checked his schedule and says he can come out here and drive my stuff and my dogs to Toronto at the end of August.  I’m pretty excited.

I got the names of a few co-ops from Margaret and Louis and I’ve started the application process.  I also found out disappointing news that my reserve still only gives 830.00 a month for living allowance for single people.  Which clearly isn’t enough to survive on.  BUT apparently I can get a top up from the disability program in Ontario because they don’t mind people attending post secondary full time AND being on disability.  So that might bump me up to 1200 a month.  Plus my fellowship adds a bit of money in there.  SO I should be okay at least until January.  If I can get subsidized co-op housing I would be totally fine, but I might have to start out paying market rent, which is STILL a hell of a lot cheaper than like, a regular apartment in Toronto.

Blah blah blah!

OMG I am so ready to leave.  My grandpa wants me to come back after school is done, but there’s no point, I can’t get a job here because it’s too racist, and also I can’t work in my field because Brad Wall murdered the film industry here.  I like my family, but I am ready to go away.  I need to go somewhere I can find a girlfriend and get a nice apartment and do grown up things again like have sex. I really miss big city living.  And my dogs might have to adjust, but I am sure they will be fine.

Little Mister is being such a sweetie these days.  Well, except he keeps charging Posey when he wants to tune her up.  And then Hermione intervenes because she’s kind of become Posey’s Mum.  And I feel guilty that in the not too distant future they are gonna get separated.  Because they are so cute together.

I went to my Concurrent Disorders group on Friday and told them about getting into Grad School.  The addictions counselor said she would look into getting me a phone number for someone in Toronto who could point me to a similar group there.

Getting all this stuff sorted is gonna take some time!  And I also have to get my official transcripts to Ryerson, and my application in to Little Pine for funding.  So many things to remember!  I should write lists!

So I’ve been busy trying to come up with plans for getting out to Toronto and finding a place to live.  I’ve been looking up Coop Housing places, trying to find somewhere close to Ryerson and also somewhere that has subsidized rent.  Or at least not crazy expensive rent.  My friend Margaret says some places have totally reasonable waiting lists, so there is a chance I could get in one sooner than a year.

I found out today that Sight will be a part of NSI’s Online Film Festival, it will be on the website in June.  It’s pretty cool!  I had to get a bunch of stuff in to them, so I just did that.

I’m doing good otherwise.  I’m busy, filling in forms for various things, googling a bunch of stuff.  Playing with the dogs.  I went out to Rhymes for Young Ghouls last night and tomorrow night I am going to The Grand Budapest Hotel with my Mom.  I’m feeling pretty good.

My risperidone has been lowered again, to 3mg at night.  I’ve noticed I’m a little bit crabbier.  I don’t know if this will go away or if it’s something I should worry about.  It was only changed a while ago.  I have until May to see how it goes.

Last year when I applied for Grad school my psychiatrist said she could do Skype appointments for a while until I get to see someone in Toronto.  So I guess that’s ok.  Oh man, and I’m gonna have to find a GP too.

Well anyway, good and busy things happening!

Well, today I was heading out with Deanna to go to the Coachman and sit around drinking coffees and get some groceries, and we were walking down the driveway when I saw the mailman.  I was getting the mail from him and he had a small envelope that was mailed expresspost.  I didn’t really think anything of it, but then I looked closer at it and it was from Ryerson.

I didn’t want to open it in the street, so it was a very long chilly walk to the mall and as soon as we sat down I opened it.  The whole way I was debating the merits of the letter, because it was express post.  I was like “They wouldn’t send a rejection express post would they?”

So I started reading it and it said “I am pleased to inform you . . . ” and I was like “Waaaaahoooo!  I got in!”  I didn’t really read the letter thoroughly the first time, I was so excited.  But yes, they approved my admission to the MA in Media Production program and said a formal offer of admission would be coming soon!

So I was excited and glowing all day.  I looked into renting a Uhaul truck, and it would be 1400 to rent it, not including the fuel.  I’m also starting to look into housing situations.  I need to bring my dogs with me, so it’s kinda tricky.  Although Toronto is a good place for dogs.  You can take them on public transit during off peak hours, and they aren’t supposed to discriminate for housing because of pets.  So IN THEORY I should be able to get around and have a place to live and have my little wiener dogs.  Yay for the weens!

I’m glad that I finally have an idea of what the future has in store for me.  It’s good to be able to make definite plans.  I have a lot of problem solving to do, especially in regards to moving costs and finding a place to live.  I also have to contact my band and see if they can fund me, and look around for scholarships/bursaries/stipends and stuff.  Toronto is pretty pricey.  But so is Vancouver and I lived there for nine years.  And so is Saskatoon, now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  I finally got into grad school!

Yesterday I was on a winning streak.  I won 100 bucks on Nevadas!  I won 100 bucks on those back in Vancouver, and I’ve played them ever since trying to win again, and I finally did!  Hurrah!

I also bought some groceries at Safeway and won some chips and a chocolate bar.  Yeah!

There was something else I won recently.  Oh yeah, two coffees and a donut from Timmies.  It’s funny, these small gains aren’t really significant but they make me feel better all the same.

I’m feeling pretty optimistic about the future.  I am waiting to hear about a few things involving my career.

Also I really need to get back to writing my webseries.  I need to get nine more episodes written, and I’m not doing a great job of it so far.  I’m totally slacking.  And time is ticking, I’m supposed to shoot it in less than three months.  Yikes!  I can dooo it!  Maybe sitting in the living room with my computer is not conducive to writing.  ALSO I noticed that when I was writing Bunnyhug I went for walks a lot, sometimes short, sometimes long, but that’s when I got my best ideas.  It’s a little cold, but with a hat could be bearable.  And it’s not super icy anymore.  Maybe I need to take a walk in the neighborhood.  There’s lots of greenspace, it’s a pleasant neighborhood to take a walk in.

Also I should be doing more research.  I’m totes slacking!  I even turned off Habit RPG because I went somewhere and when I came back I never turned it back on because I didn’t want to be accountable and lose my sword and helmet again.  LOL!  Jeepers.

Also my chair is too high and broken.  My feet don’t even touch the ground.  It makes me feel like a child!

Well, I think I’m gonna glance over my outline and then go for a long walk.  Wish me luck!

I don’t even know the last names of our neighbors, but the annoying boy is named Carl.

Carl is nosey.  Carl asks questions of anyone who goes in or out of our house.  Carl followed one of our house guests to the bus stop and has since decided that this house guest is my boyfriend.  I told Carl I don’t date boys, and then he was like “No!  He’s your boyfriend.”

Last summer one of the girls next door told my mom Carl was an abuser.  We notified child protection but nothing was done, because this family was white or because it was a one off or who knows what.

People who have come to our house suspect that Carl has FAS.  He’s so inappropriate and has shitty social skills.  I really want that family to move away.

Anyway, the whole family pisses me off so much that I had to vent here.  I HATE CARL!  He also runs in front of our car to keep us from going anywhere.  He’s a total dick.  And he’s 15.  He should know better but he doesn’t.  And he doesn’t have any friends, I’ve never seen someone come over to hang out with him.

Anyway, BLAH!  What can you do when your neighbors suck?

I got two emails from Ryerson this week, the first one said my application had been reviewed and was sent to the Program Admissions Committee.  The next one was from the department and said they would be making admission decisions and sending them out in two to three weeks!  So I don’t have too much longer to wait.  Although I admit I just wish I could put myself in a coma until the decision so I’d like, not be sitting around waiting and waiting.  Or a time machine, that would work too.  Anyway, it’s gonna be pretty soon, and then I can make more definite plans about my life, like figuring out the logistics of moving my stuff, two dogs, and me to Toronto.  And finding a place to live, that could be tricky!  And getting money to move everything and every dog and me.

There is also a job I am gonna apply for in Toronto, in case I don’t get into school.  I have the qualifications except I need to learn one thing.  So there’s that.

Not much else is happening.  My ablation is still doing well, or rather, my endometrial lining-less uterus is doing well.  No period so far!

I went to Concurrent Disorders group because I have been having dreams about using.  And I don’t want to use.  I am two months and four days away from having two years clean.  And it was really hard to get to that point, so I don’t want to undo it all.  Anyway, it was helpful for me to see the folks at group.  They are pretty nice.

I went to the openings tonight at AKA and PAVED.  We have Josh Schwebel staying with us in the basement suite, and his show was opening.  It was really good.  I’m crappy at talking about art, so I don’t want to describe it.

I’m really excited for my decision to come in.  I guess two weeks isn’t that long.  Or early April.  Whatever.  I will finally know!  And I’ve been poking around on the site for the program more and it looks like I would get a chance to learn some things I am really interested in.  Which is good since I did apply to that program.  The electives look promising.

I’ve got this sense that something good is gonna happen soon.  I feel pretty happy about the possibilities in my future.

Posey is fitting in well with our house.  She’s a super sweetie.  She is a little too barky of people who have just come into the house though.  Hoping to get her out of that bad habit.  She likes to bite my thumbs when we are getting ready to sleep.  She’s got tiny puppy teeth and it really hurts when she gets you with her molars.  She likes to run with food in her mouth.  And she likes to race around the house with Little Mister, which is good because that’s what I was hoping for when I got her.  She is super bonded to Hermione, which makes me a little sad because I know they are gonna be separated.  But she will probably come home with me for visits sometimes.

The government cut elder care funding for our band, and now our band has rejected the agreement they are supposed to sign, and anyway we are 2000 short on rent for Grandma and Grandpa every month now.  We were hoping to win the lottery tonight to pay for it, because it was some remote faint hope, but it’s totally not happening.  I hope something works out.  The Harper Government can go to hell!!

I did the Winter Challenge today.  I jumped in the snow and made a snow angel, but it was really sticky snow so the wings were very shallow, and my bum made a big dent.

I’m getting the rest of my tattoo tomorrow.  I’m pretty excited, it should be good.  I’m going in at 11am and then it’s gonna be until it gets done.  But realistically I can only do two and a half hours of tattooing before I hit the wall.  It’s been rescheduled two times already because of illness or schedule problems.

My ablation is still fine.  No weirdness.  My period should have come already, but it didn’t come so I’m pretty pleased.  I know there’s no guarantee it’s really gone though, I have to wait until more time has passed.  It’s been 18 days or so since I got it done.  The gynecologist wants to see me in three months to see how it’s going.

Posey puppy is doing good.  She is getting bigger and sweet and is so cuddly.  I think she just went to bed with Mom!  She’s more of a lap dog than Little Mister, Little Mister likes to be in his crate or on his bed in the kitchen.  Sometimes he will sit on my lap, but not for long.

Ah, there’s not much to report.  I might not go on any arty trips this year.  OH! Wait, that is a lie, because I think I am going to Winnipeg for a thing in the future.

I am really wondering about the strength of my sobriety these days.  I keep having dreams about planning then deliberately falling off the wagon.  It’s pretty weird.  I am gonna go to concurrent disorders again this Friday and just listen.  Maybe it will help.  I am wondering if I have hit some kind of sober plateau.  I wonder if I should be working a program like NA.  I mean, it might help.  But the people there.  Ahhhh, maybe I am being judgmental.  Everyone is at different stages of recovery.  I just feel like after racking up a year and a half of sobriety I should be in a different headspace.  Not feeling so fragile.

Anyway, I think maybe meetings would help.  There are NA meetings in my neighborhood on Sundays.  There are NA meetings every night though.  I dunno.

I am getting Tegan and Sara tickets!  I need a date to come with me.  I don’t know who!  I have 106 days to find somebody!