Tomorrow is my next psychiatrist appointment, it will have been six weeks since my last one when I was prescribed Elavil.

The good news is that I haven’t had panic attacks while I have been on it.  The BAD news is that it makes me SO sleepy that I can’t get out of bed before 2pm.  Seriously cramping my style!  I was always a late sleeper, but this is pretty ridiculous.  So I think I am going to go in and ask for a different medication.  It’s really hard because we need something for anxiety WITHOUT killing my sex drive, and all the SSRI’s end up killing my sex drive, at least all the ones I have tried.

Poop!

I hope my genius psychiatrist has some idea of something else we can try.  I’m already on the lowest dose of Elavil possible.

On Thursday I am going to Ottawa for a screening of some of my videos in a Video Art biennial.  I’m pretty excited.  I might get to see my friend Shavonne, which would be nice.  I’m only there until Saturday.  Then I come back here.

I also might be going out to Ontario again in February.  Fingers crossed! 🙂

I’ve got to save up some money for Little Mister’s teeth cleaning.  My friend Amy Jo told me about a vet in the country who does work a lot cheaper than my vet is quoting for his teeth thing.  Sooooo I might call this guy up and ask about it. 

I’m getting ready to apply for grad school AGAIN.  I wonder when I will give up.  I’m applying to Ryerson this time.  For an MA in Media Production.  It’s a year long program.

We will see!

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on in my life.  I have some emails I have to send.  I went to bed last night at 8:47pm and woke today at 2pm.  That’s messed up!  UGH!

My Mom took me to the store to get my bus pass, and I went to check the lotto max ticket we bought.  I didn’t have high hopes, I was like “Oh whatever, we’re gonna win nothing like usual!”  But no!  When the ticket checker bleeped it said “$130.70 winner”!!! Ooooooh!  I was amazed, so I signed the ticket and took it to the cash register and the guy validated it and gave me my money and then he said “It’s funny, someone else was in here today and they also won $130.70!”

So my Mom and I have agreed for a long time that we would split lottery winnings, so I am getting 65 bucks and she gets 65 bucks and it’s all very sweet!  What surprised me was how many numbers we had to get right to win 130 bucks.  Five out of seven numbers!  That’s a lot!

I am buying a new Diva Cup with my winnings.  And having some spending money.  Last month was a year with my Diva Cup and I am apparently supposed to get a new one once a year has ended.  It’s about time, mine is getting old looking.

Ooooh, I also ordered a new strap on harness that can handle my size, but I did that before I won anything.  It’s going to arrive on the 6th supposedly.  I doubt I will get a chance to use it anytime soon, BUT I am following the boy scouts motto of Be Prepared! 😀 

Be Prepared for Lesbian Penetration!

Last night I went out with my two friends Daniel and Aaron to the gay bar, Diva’s, for some silliness.  AND I think I got cruised by this cute woman with striking eyes, I didn’t know what to do so I just kept going.  BUT now I am wondering if that woman is the same woman I saw by the Library a couple months ago?  What if I just keep walking past my future girlfriend?  Maybe one of these days I will smarten up and learn the fine art of cruising AND getting numbers from sexy ladies!

On Friday my friend Kristen and I bleached and dyed bits of our hair pink.  She did sort of highlights for me, so it’s a little different than a solid chunk of pink.  I think I want it more magenta-ey though!  I am looking awfully cute!

I had this general expectation that when I hit my thirties I would start having lots of sex, but it hasn’t happened.  I think I had that expectation when I hit my twenties too.  And I sort of did have lots of sex but also if I was compared to other people my age I would have been woefully undersexed.  I actually only had a decent amount of sex for maybe three years and then I was celibate for a long time.

I hope my forties look better!  Maybe I will be more confident by then, able to go up to strange women without needing an introduction.  “Why hello!”  Ha ha ha ha!

I’m on this new med that is making me sleep in SUPER hardcore, and also makes me talk in my sleep in great mumbly noises.  Today I woke up at 2pm going “Mmmmnnn, mmmmmnnn, mmmmmmmnn!”  Jeepers!

I’m trying to come up with a plan to move to Toronto in the middle of 2014.  So far I have ascertained that I need $3000, ideally $5000, to cover moving and living for two months.  I’m not sure what I can do.  I applied for an SAB grant, but I haven’t gotten results until January, ALSO the money from it will mostly pay for my videos and only $6000 will go to me!  BUT if I can finagle it that would be enough to move.  I’m also going to apply for a Canada Council grant next spring, which I would find out about in August. 

Aside from that my next options are to get a job or crowdfunding.  I’m not entirely sure what to do.  I need a patron.  I need to win more lottery money.  Or a prize for being a good deed doer!

So Toronto was super fun!  I learned how to pitch and I think I did a pretty good job, even though I didn’t actually win in the end.  I saw some really good films, stand outs include Rhymes for Young Ghouls and a short from Australia called Abalone.  But there were more good ones than just those two.

I saw a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in years, including Louis, Ariel, and Robin!  It was so nice to spend time with them.  Robin and I went out on walking adventures around Toronto and she showed me some neat places including a farm and OCAD which looks like a box suspended on pencil crayons.  I also spent my last day with my cousin Theresa and her dogs Peanut and Porkchop, and we walked around Ryerson where I am thinking of applying for an MA in Media Production.

Louis took me on a shopping trip to Come As You Are where I fussed around and ended up buying a Vixskin dildo named Buck!  I didn’t get to try Buck until last night, but it was super good, although I was already half asleep when I was trying to do myself so I ended up giving up.  BUT even though it’s easily my thickest dildo it did manage to fit!  I am going to try again when I am less sick and less sleepy and more turned on.

Which reminds me, I had the worst thing happen to me while I was in Toronto which was that I got a horrible head cold and turned into a mucusy coughy mess.  Travelling with an illness is terrible.  I think I am finally over it, but for at least half of my trip I was feeling generally gross.  I may have given it to Robin too.  Actually I noticed a LOT of people on my FB were battling colds as well, so who knows where it started.  I could have gotten it in Saskatoon and brought it out east.

I also had a screening last tuesday with the 2 Spirit Skillshare and it was really nice, they asked some awesome questions and I was mostly able to give good answers.

My screening at ImagineNATIVE also went well, people really responded and when I was walking around after people kept stopping me to talk about it.

What else?  Hmmm.  Funny little crushes popped up (okay just one) and it was a little awkward but okay and I think just reiterates that this person is pretty awesome to have in my life as a friend.  So that was nice.

I really missed Little Mister.  He is a grounding presence in my life so it always feels a little weird when he and I aren’t together.  And he is gonna be a geriatric dog next year, so I have to start getting used to the idea that he won’t always be around.  BUT he is still a fairly rough and tumble sturdy little guy in super good health except for his teeth, so I think he’s got a few more years in him yet.

In sadder news, Mom took Baby Dora the Corgi back to the breeder because Dora and Hermione, Mom’s wiener dog, weren’t getting along and they were getting into very violent fights and Mom was worried Hermione would get hurt.  So no more Dora.  Now Mom is waiting a while and then getting another mini dachshund, who won’t get bigger than Hermione.  I hope Dora finds a good home, and I miss her already.  She was a sweetie.

I have tried to write this post three times and I always get too tired and end up going to sleep!  So, basically, what is going on is this: I got into the pitch competition at ImagineNATIVE.  I have to make a one minute trailer and a four minute pitch.  Then I fly to Toronto on Tuesday, get settled.  On Wednesday I go to a six hour pitching workshop and then that night meet up with friends for the Lesbian Haunted House thing.  Then on Thursday is my screening, and Friday is the day I pitch!  I have Saturday off and then Sunday I am going to the awards thingy and find out if I win anything!  IF I do win the pitch competition I get $5000 from APTN, a $2000 certificate from William F. White, a $500 certificate from Technicolor Toronto, a contact at the NFB to talk to about my project, and an ImagineNATIVE backed Kickstarter page to raise more money for my film.  Big smiley face here!  And only four projects got picked for the Drama pitch competition (there is also a documentary pitch competition) so just going by the odds I have a one in four chance of getting the prize, which is pretty decent!

I have to do some taping tomorrow and some editing and then I will get my trailer done.  My pitch thus far is in maybe draft number two.  I’m gonna work on it a bit more.  I read a book about pitching written by a Brit and I have been reading internet articles about it too. 

What else?  Oh, because I am showing a film at ImagineNATIVE I could also possibly win an award for best experimental film.  I hope hope hope I do because then I could get my dog’s teeth done, he needs them cleaned before they get too far gone. 

I’m really tired now, so I should go to bed.  I will also say that I have the chance to see a bunch of friends in Toronto who I haven’t seen in ages, and I am super excited about that!  Robin!  Louis!  Margaret!  Maybe Shavonne!  We’ll see!  I’m so stoked! 

So I forgot to mention, I went to a demonstration last week at Rock of Ages Church against a speaker they had named Wilna Van Beek who was a lesbian who has decided to live a celibate life so that she could be a good Christian and not go to hell.  Basically I think that being a homo and being celibate ON PURPOSE so that when you die some imaginary judgemental god won’t send you to the fiery place is kind of a long shot.  I mean, what if there is no God and no Jesus and no reason to live your life without human affection?  Whatever, basically I just think Christians telling homos we can be okay if we give up our chances at loving happiness is sick.

So my task was to come up with a genius sign!  I thought long and hard about it.  I finally came up with one the night before the demo.

For those who can’t see the picture, it says All the Lesbian Sex I’ve Had is part of God’s Plan.

It makes me laugh!

Anyway, I have never made a pro gay sign before, because I just never needed to.  It was fun!  I searched for a good one online, but they were all related to marriage, so they didn’t seem to fit!

___________

I finally bought my plane ticket for Toronto!  Now it’s real!  Now I’m really gonna be there!  I’m stoked!  Tomorrow I will find out about something, so I might have more stuff to do while I am there, fingers crossed!

My Mom won the Lieutenant Governor’s Art Award for Saskatchewan Artist last week!  I’m proud of her.  She was stunned when she won!  Now we have a bronze Joe Fafard in the living room!  Exclamation Marks everywhere!!!

I got my SAB grant in today!  It’s due tomorrow, so I am one day ahead of the deadline!  I also have to do the travel grant for Toronto’s events, I can get it in tomorrow, they weren’t taking them until after today.  It’s a fairly simple grant, so I should be okay. 

What else?  Little Mister looks good in his Halloween costume!  This year he is going to be a prisoner!  He has a little stripey shirt that says Guilty on it!  I’ll post pics on Halloween.

I have no costume yet.  Maybe I should be a warden!

I don’t know how long I didn’t have much of a sex drive, my libido was gone a LONG damn time.  I might be inclined to say it was diminished significantly for two years.  Anyway, the other day I was on the bus, and I was thinking all these sexy thoughts, memories of things in the past, fantasies of things in the future.  And it was driving me INSANE!  I was missing kissing and sex SO DAMNED MUCH!  I wanted my mouth on nipples and pussies and feeling girls from the inside with my whole hand and being filled up and humping and all kinds of things!  I was going NUTS!

So I was telling my cuz Deanna today “I don’t know what’s going on with me, I want sex and kissing and it’s making me INSANE!” And she said “Maybe your libido is back!”

And I think she is right!

So on one hand I want to be all “YAY!  I am horny hear me roar with wetness too great to ignore!”  On the other hand *womp womp* I am single.  Terminally single.  And there’s nobody on the horizon.  I even went to Take Back the Night hoping for some cute girls, but then I felt like a 35 year old OLD person.  So many politically aware girls doing their undergraduates.  And I feel too old for them.  So womp womp. 

I keep scanning OK Cupid and Plenty Of Fish but it’s the same folks on there and I don’t really get that spark.  Then again, it’s hard to tell if there is a spark just from someone’s online profile.  You sort of need to meet. 

Anyway, I was hoping to go to Indigo Girls and see a bunch of local lesbians, but I never got a ticket so I am out of luck because it’s fricken sold out!  And now I am poor again anyway since I paid my rent, groceries, phone bill (2 months of phone bill), got toiletries, 6 pairs of new socks, an iTunes card, fake beer, and some glow in the dark nail polish.  Tomorrow I should get some cash though, because I wrote an article for a local paper.  I hope!  I also have an honorarium coming up from the University, and GST comes on Friday.  AND I have to get in a travel grant on Tuesday for going to ImagineNATIVE! 

OOooooh!  Maybe I will meet someone in Toronto!  That would be nice!  I could have sex and get all hung up and have longing in my life again!  And skype sex!  Which I have never had so you know, there are always new things to look forward to! 

I’m so tired.  I should go to sleep soon so I can engage in some stress relief before I am too tired to do anything.  If ya know what I mean.

Side note: I have discovered in the past two weeks that my sense of smell has improved since quitting smoking almost a year ago to the point that body odor REALLY bothers me.  I mean seriously.  SERIOUSLY!  Some men are SOOOOOOO stinky!  And some perfume is too rank!  It’s starting to make me want to go for a walk instead of riding the bus.  For some reason it is always the bus that is the worst!

Today, purely by chance, I was barely on Facebook.  I went on for a little bit later in the day, just skimming over the feed.  But in the morning I read my notifications and then went on with life.  What did I do?  I drove Mum to work, and then I watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black, then I went and picked her up and we went to a terrible Italian restaurant with my gift certificate and got not very great food.  And then we came home and I went on a bus ride and listened to music and then came home and watched the last two episodes of Orange Is The New Black and then I went on Facebook a little bit.  And that was that.  There is life outside of facebook!

I talked about it with Mom at dinner, and how nice it felt to not be on Facebook.  It was kind of freeing, it put me in a much more peaceful frame of mind.  Because to be honest, sometimes things people post on there piss me off.  And it really depends on the day, but like, pictures of animal abuse, or exploded children, or like fucked up shit like that.  Or triggering pictures of weed which make me remember my old friend/foe of addiction.  Or just being ignorant and making me think less of my friends and/or the company they keep.  Sometimes I want to tell friends “Man, the company you keep SUCKS!  You need better filters for who you let in!”  But I mean, it’s really not my place to say that.  And plus I am sure they could say the same about some of my more unsavory friends.

ANYWAY, it was nice to have a long period of time away from Facebook, because I am normally on it so much.  I felt like, in control, and peaceful.  And engaged with a different part of the world.  I want to watch more shows on Netflix, I think seeing more movies and television series would help my creative process.  Like how writers need to read lots.  Keeping up.  It’s nice to watch a well crafted program.  And it gives me ideas.  And that is more useful than reading someone’s drunken rant from the night before, I guess.  I feel like I get caught up in petty shit when I am reading too much Facebook.  So I am going to put limits around my use, kind of wean myself off it but not get off it completely.  Because it does still serve a purpose. 

Oh man, I have to do a grant by the end of the month!  TWO GRANTS!  It’s scary!  I need to get that shit together!  If I don’t get a grant in January I am going to apply for another grant in March from Canada Council.  I have to think of a good project for that though.  Tomorrow is Concurrent Disorders again already!  I might go to both parts of the group.  I might have the stamina to pay attention for two hours!  Tomorrow we are learning about the Transtheoretical Model of Change apparently.  Who knows what that could be about!?  I’ll see what I feel like when I wake up.

I didn’t meet anyone in the last two weeks.  My horoscope gave me false hope!  I really thought I would meet someone but the only person who piqued my interest, I just stared at and looked away and never even said hi to!  Sad. 

I’m getting tired.  Dora the corgi chased the mailman yesterday.  She ran straight out the door and over to the next yard and circled him wiggling her little bum in sheer delight.  None of our other dogs have ever caught The Mailman.  She’s going down in doggy history!  Little brat!  I threw her into the backyard when I checked the mail today.  Goofball! 

I have some decisions to make regarding my company, and I am fairly close to deciding to dissolve it.  I have to pay 185 bucks to get it back on the corporate registry, and I don’t have the money and I also don’t think it’s worth it.  So I might not do it and ask for my 80 bucks back.  I would have to figure out what to do with the website too.  I don’t know, I am really torn.  I need to carefully consider my next moves.  I think dissolving the company might be for the best, because I am not using it and it is just a pain.  Sigh.

I don’t know what to do about my gst number either.  Do I have to get rid of it??  I’m confused.  I should talk to someone about this.

What else?  There are things I want to do more of:
Visiting my friends
Calling my long distance friends
Knitting
Baking
Watching tv series and movies
Writing
Going for walks
Exercising at the gym

Basically I just want to be overall doing more things.  OH!  Also doing private journalling.  I feel like I could get some personal stuff out of my head if I wrote it down.  I need to do that more.

Well, I guess it is bedtime!

I hope tomorrow is a good day.  I didn’t shower today and I feel gross, I can’t shower now because it is too late!

Sometimes when I get in a writing mood, I write voluminous facebook statuses.  Well, I mean, not A LOT A LOT!  But more than usual, and then I worry that I am driving people nuts and I realize I want to write a LONG blog and not short little microblogs like statuses.

Anyway, I guess I can tell you my good news!  I am going to Toronto next month for ImagineNATIVE!  Sight is screening there so I am going and seeing friends and after ImagineNATIVE I am screening a bunch of my videos for the 2 Spirit Skillshare and Regent Park Film Festival’s screening, artist talk, and reception of my work! 😀  Yippee!  And if I can, I might take a couple days to go to Montreal and toodle about visiting friends.  I haven’t been in years and years!

Also I found out today that Sight is screening at MIXNYC in November, and that I will be on CFCR on Sunday blabbing about my films.  So that’s all really nice.

I hope I win for best experimental at ImagineNATIVE, 1000 bucks would help me out majorly!  But I’m not going to get my hopes up too much.

When I was a nerdling, I had dreams of winning the Science Fair.  I never did.  My projects were too arty not enough sciencey.  It always crushed me.  And schools I went to didn’t place much emphasis on Art as a viable skill which should be encouraged, so there was never like, an Art Fair.  I couldn’t crush my classmates with my mighty arty hand!  So unfair!

It was kind of cool when I was getting requests from all over the world for my first tape, Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory.  Mom answered the phone one day and this lesbian in Berlin was calling to get me to send a copy to their Lesbian Film Festival.  But my classmates didn’t care about my hot property video doing the festival circuit.  They were too busy popping pimples and trying to get laid.  No, I really don’t know, everyone had different motivations during high school.  I’m sure some were just trying to survive.  But Aden Bowman wasn’t a hostile environment, at least not to my knowledge. Not to me anyway.

It’s really late and I should sleep.  It’s the weekend yo!  We got the car back today and it looks SUPER nice, all cleaned and fixed and spiffy!  It’s way better to drive than that sucky Cobalt loaner we had.  I love our car! Mom’s car.  But she lets me drive it almost anytime I want to, which is nice!

What else?  Oh, I have writing to do this week for money for arty things, grants and pitches and that kind of thing.  I have two projects I am trying to get cash for.  Eeeeeee!  Hopefully they both come through and I can be busy all next year making films.

OMG!  I saw the BABELIEST of Babes yesterday at the Library!  She was walking by with a guy friend and totally made long eye contact with me and I was so flustered I didn’t know what to do and I looked away and then we were at the library and I was like telling my mom “Did you see that?????” And she did!  At first I was just staring because she was so clearly queer, but then I kept looking because she was so cute and looking back at me!  Anyway, I am kicking myself for not going up to her and getting her number or anything!  I don’t even know her name!  FUCK!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Anyway, I put up a missed connections ad, maybe she will see it?  I’d be super lucky if she did!

I’m going to have to go out even more to queery events and venues hoping to see her!  Take Back The Night is coming up, maybe she will be there.  Also I could go to Divas again.

So anyway, it is really nice finding new people attractive!  It gives me hope!

I’m trying a new bedtime routine.  I took my night meds about half an hour ago and I am also drinking a cup of Sleepytime Tea.  So far I am getting yawny.  Last night I put away my laptop and read Take Me There which is an anthology of trans/genderqueer erotica.  It’s pretty hot.  I got to sleep easier reading a paper book than reading things online with a bright screen.  But I still slept in.  BUT it takes a while to get good sleep habits.

I think I will probably sleep soon.

I’ve been watching Orange Is The New Black.  It’s entertaining me.  I know there is a lot of criticism around it, I guess I am just liking seeing queer women having queer sex and queer feelings.  Plus Laura Prepon is pretty hot, I always liked her, way back when she was Donna on That 70’s Show. 

I’m applying for jobs again.  There is an admin support job I applied for with the provincial government.  I doubt I will get a call for an interview, but one never knows.  I think I should stop disclosing my minority statuses in that one section.  They always say they are committed to being a diverse workplace, but then they don’t call and it makes me think they are looking for whiteys. 

I don’t know if I care if I get a job.  Well, the money would be awesome, that’s why I want a job, but besides that I might feel trapped and unable to have an art career.  They don’t make it easy to take breaks to travel. 

Well, my sleepytime tea is done and so am I!  Time to head for bed!

It’s now September.  Ding!  Time to get excited about a brand new season, fall!  Named after the falling leaves I assume!  I am actually looking forward to it, the crisp bite to the air, the crunch of the dead leaves underfoot, drinking endless cups of fruity teas, settling in for a good knitting session with a pal, going for walks along a golden treed riverbank with cute girls, baking pies and cakes and so forth because it’s not so horribly hot!  I am gonna get to renew my leisurecard this November, which will be super good.  Another year of possible fitness.  I haven’t used it much this past year.

What else?  Oh, I dunno, I am happy that summer is over, even though I didn’t do a whole hell of a lot.  Spring was exciting because I went to New York, but summer was quiet and except for One Night In Estevan I really didn’t go anywhere. 

I have some work to do.  Tomorrow afternoon I am helping a friend with some compression issues.  I have to work on making a video downloadable.  I have to copy some video files onto my computer for editing.  I have to write a travel grant and an Individual Artist Grant by October 1st.  I have to get some videos into the mail.  Being a full time artist involves a lot of work, which some people who aren’t artists don’t recognize.  It’s hard too because you have to be really cognizant of your time and deadlines and stuff, and when you tell friends you have work to do sometimes they don’t get it or see it as real work.

I couldn’t be a full time artist if I wasn’t on disability.  I really don’t make much money from my practice, except for the odd occasion when I get a big grant.  Thank god for disability!

I’ve also got to get working on my book again.  I’ve only got 64 pages.  I was hoping to end up with at least 200 pages.  300 would be sweet!  It’s not going to be a ginourmous book though.  I doubt it will be a best seller, it will be an artists book.  

In the last year of film school we had a class called “Professional Practices” and it was all about applying for grants and writing an artist statement and shit like that, and pitching and stuff, and actually that was probably one of the most useful classes I took.  Sometimes I think I have to apply myself more to my practice and then I would really get somewhere, but then Mom reminds me we live in Canada and there isn’t a great deal of money for film.  STILL!  There must be a way to make a living at it.

I would teach but no one wants me in a graduate program so obviously that’s out of reach.

ANYWAY!  Enough career blabs.  I have other good news!  As a constant reader of Susan Miller’s astrology zone I have finally read a horoscope for the month that says I have a good chance of meeting someone special!  I have to circulate for the next two weeks.  Tomorrow I am going to go to a BDSM munch down the street.  I know it’s usually straightish people that are there, but one never knows.  Friday I have to do something, maybe I will go dancing. 

I don’t have enough money to take Cree lessons from the University, BUT there are supposed to be free Cree lessons at Oskayak which I am going to start next week.  I am gonna work really hard and aim to have a rudimentary conversation with my Grandpa by the end of it!

Anyway, I can’t think of anything else to write.  I am going to go back to skimming this blog for entries to put in my book, and also waiting for this video to transfer to my Flashdrive.