My Driver’s License arrived! It’s got my name on it and an M instead of an F so I am pretty happy with it, plus I look decent, which is way better than my sad old driver’s license photo. I went to the bank today with that and my name change form and changed my name. And then I came home and opened my bank account website and updated it on all the places there (it still has a ms in there for some reason tho!) and I ordered new cheques too. I should get them this week. I really gotta shred my old cheques. I literally only ever use it for rent. But anyway, cheques in my real name will be nice. I also tested my interac e-transfer and because I changed my email address in the bank website, it updated my name in Interac. So people won’t see my deadname when sending me money or receiving money from me.

I lost my business debit card which is a concern, I think I put it in a pocket somewhere but I don’t know where. The pin wasn’t working anyway so I think it’s a dead card, but the account is still active so I gotta resolve that. I also gotta call Visa and change my name there too but I’m having issues finding which number to call.

Paypal was easy to change, they just wanted an upload of my driver’s license front and back. They changed it almost immediately also, which was nice. No more being deadnamed in my paypal! And my paypal me was just Tcuthand anyway so it’s the same.

I have to change my name on my Aeroplan too, so I uploaded my documents and hopefully in a few days I will get my name updated. Then I can buy plane tickets again! Sort of. I think I will still need my new passport to buy international tickets.

I was going to call Indian Affairs to make an appointment for my new card, but by then the office had closed for the day, so I’ll have to try tomorrow. I don’t think I need a birth certificate, I think they just need my ID. I will ask though. But they will have my old Status card to reference.

My birth certificate is still in the queue to be processed, right now they are still doing the beginning of January birth certificates and my forms arrived at the beginning of February. So at least a month still to wait for them to show up I guess, unless they suddenly speed through them. But I’m looking forward to it arriving because then I can go to the passport office and get my application in. It will probably be a long wait at the office but I’ve heard it’s better to go in instead of doing it by mail.

But now I have photo ID in my real name so basically it opens up a whole bunch of things I can change my name in. PLUS gender because there’s an M on there.

It’s kind of intense how quickly I have been doing my transition, both medically and legally. But I just feel some stress and dread seeing what is going on politically about right wing politicians leveraging transphobia for votes right now, so it seems like I should get as much done as I can right now. Also I do like traveling and having an accurate passport is important for me, especially when I am going through borders. ALSO though it just took a really long time for me to decide what I wanted to do with my gender so it feels like I don’t have to hesitate so much anymore.

There was an Indigenous non-binary person named Nex Benedict who was murdered in their school washroom by some cis girls in Oklahoma recently. It’s awful to think that 2 Spirit people are still getting murdered on our own lands. There’s so much hateful rhetoric in the world right now, and it’s fueled by Christian fundamentalism which isn’t even the religion most people practice in North America. But they would LIKE IT to be the one we all follow. Fuck that. Indigenous spirituality had a place for us and that’s the practice I still follow mostly. I hope Nex is with their ancestors being loved the way they were meant to be.

Ha ha what a ridiculous post this is gonna be.

BY THE WAY if you want to see my posts about Palestine I’m mostly resharing posts in my Instagram stories and on my Facebook, so they are there in the world. Also on Twitter and Bluesky. But considering I am not there in Gaza, I feel it’s a better use of my social media space to reshare information like rallies and posts from people like Bisan. So this space is not really being used for that but I do want to let you know I am posting about it in case you only read me here and are wondering. Actually today a friend gave me some stickers for ceasefire so I’m going to try and put them out in the world. Although someone in my neighbourhood has been scraping off every poster asking for a ceasefire so it’s kind of pointless but you know, I will try!

Back to mundane things. I had this infection for almost as long as I have been transitioning, but I thought it was herpes. Like maybe because I was on hormones it was just flaring up all the time. FRIEND it was not herpes. It was some bacterial infection that didn’t get picked up in STI screening either. And my doctor just assumed it was herpes too because the symptoms were similar. BUT it never went away! Like, it might go away a bit but it would be back within 24 hours. I was terrified I had some kind of chronic herpes! BUT NO because this infectious disease doctor finally did swabs and it was negative for monkeypox (good because I had the mpox vaccine) and not herpes and not some other things but there was a culture that grew this bacteria that is normally found in the vagina. So he couldn’t say for sure that was what it was. And he did more swabs and gave me this HEAVY DUTY antibiotic for ten days. I had to start doing yogurt and probiotics because it did a number on me and made me poop myself once. I know TMI but maybe someone out there also has a mystery infection and needs this info.

But the antibiotic did work! And I am now infection free. So I can have a slutty sex life again which is a relief. I would have been having so much sex before but no! Infection time was the worst.

I think it wasn’t an STI, I think I got it from not washing my toys enough. I’ve since updated my cleaning procedures and vow to boil packers on a regular basis too.

Today was the first day I got to wear a sterilized packer again. I missed my dick! So it’s really nice having one again. And I also got to use a stroker for the first time the other day, although I think I need to get the hang of it and I’m unclear if I am too big for it or too small. Needs more practice. My dick is kind of tucked away so it’s hard to see what it’s doing without getting my phone out and using the camera on it, but I don’t have enough hands!

ANYWAY downstairs things are doing better. No more horrible feeling. No more being afraid of infecting people. I am gonna do my laundry today and just have a chill family day with my dogs. They are doing good, I’m still trying to figure out how to protect Posey from Todd because he has no manners. Right now she eats her fancy food in her crate with the door closed, because otherwise Todd tries to get it.

I almost forgot to do my T shot today! Normally I do it before Therapy, but Therapy is tomorrow because it’s Family day today. Anyway I just did it. I got to open a new vial of Testosterone, very exciting!

I saw this terrible Pride police car a few weeks ago at Yonge and College but it was turning a corner way too fast for me to take a pic and prove it wasn’t a pinkwashed fever dream. But today on the way to my massage I spotted it on Church street. Just sitting there, empty, trying to look like a friendly fixture of the gay village. Suspish. It’s got lights on it so it’s clearly used to go to emergency situations and not just driving around to make the Toronto Police department look good. It looks ridiculous. My massage therapist said probably a bunch of white gays are happy about it somewhere ha ha. Oh my god.

Anyway this post isn’t all about how ridiculous the Pride police car is.

I actually wanted to write here because I was talking in therapy about being sad about people who basically left my life either just before or at the beginning of my transition and how I’m a whole different person since then. I don’t know if I am a better person. I am a happier person though and I feel really good about my body now and I feel more confident and just, yeah a whole different person. I’m not saying these people left my life because of my transition though. In all cases it was regarding other things. Like, one was a miscommunication because I got angry at her for not vaccinating and said “I can’t talk to you right now!” because I got annoyed but I guess she heard “I can’t talk to you ever!” because she blocked me on everything and disappeared. Another was my ex and we don’t need to talk about that anymore. Another was a different ex who I think got pissed at me because I got concerned about her telling me she was alone at Christmas and I asked if her partner broke up with her and anyway THAT WAS A BAD THING TO ASK even though I was genuinely concerned and not trying to be a troll. Anyway she refused to talk to me for months and then I finally texted her to say I was transitioning and she said congratulations and that was basically the last time she talked to me. She still technically follows me on Twitter and Instagram but honestly I think she probably muted me and just forgot to unfollow because she does not ever see anything or say anything. I tried to send her a message at Christmas and she never replied and I don’t even know if she has the same phone number.

ANYWAY as you can see none of those reasons for not talking to me has to do with me being trans. But it sucks anyway. I don’t know, except for the ex we don’t need to talk about again, the other two were people I’d known for decades. So them not talking to me sucks, it’s like losing part of my history or something. EXCEPT the person they knew was kind of not real. Like I know I had a whole life before I transitioned. But in a lot of ways I was not who I am now.

At the Flaherty Seminar Angelo Madsen Minax was saying something about being a different person after transition and Steve Reinke was saying “No you’re the same person.” They kind of argued ha ha. And honestly I can kind of see how both things are true. Like, I think the core of me was always who I am now. But obviously outer appearances changed and various things changed for me internally both mentally and how I physically inhabit my body now. Like I have more energy and feel more clear and am able to have casual sex which was something I was so bad at before. And I’m stronger which probably helps my confidence. It’s a different body than I had before. I have prostate tissue now! That’s a trip. I have a small dick. I have more muscles. My shape is different and I can eat way more food.

So I guess it’s just kind of a sorrow at never being able to be who I really am with those three people in particular, because they were so close to me at one point in my life before I was more myself. I could even say I loved them all even though all that happened. But I’ve exhausted my avenues of trying to repair those relationships. So that sucks. I guess they’ll never really know the real me. That sounds so dramatic but it’s true. And it’s not even like being sad the exes aren’t lovers with me, because for at least one of them that’s not what I want again. It’s more just not being able to be friends that sucks. Like, I thought I was pretty solid with all of those people at the time. And I wasn’t. And in a lot of ways I have nothing to apologize for to make things up with them, which is annoying. Like, in some ways some of them need to apologize to me. And that sucks.

I had a friend who flipped out on me and had like, some kind of breakdown, and said a LOT of ugly things. And then she tried to be friends with me again and I tried but she would NOT apologize and I had to walk away for good because her behaviour had just been so over the top and I couldn’t let someone do that and come back into my life without apologizing. It sucked but it had to be done. I was asking for so little after she had basically tried to singlehandedly dismantle my self esteem in a really misplaced rage. It was depressing she couldn’t even do that. But that friend was a terf anyway so its just as well we don’t talk.

Yeah. I hate feeling sad about losing people but that’s life I guess. I did try to mend things with all of them and was rebuffed every time. And I can’t always be the one reaching out. And obviously I don’t mean much to them because none of them reached out to me. There was a fourth person I kicked out of my life near the beginning of my transition but that was because that person was extremely abusive and I needed to do it for my safety. So that person definitely has to stay out of my life. But the three mentioned above are just kind of sad for me to lose. But I’ve lost them already.

It’s just depressing to see how short life truly can be and realize I may never speak to these people again. Like, I don’t even think they know what my voice sounds like anymore. That is TRIPPY! I literally sound different. When people hug me I feel different. And these people are just going to be nursing a grudge against a person who doesn’t even exist anymore. Legally my name is different and I know probably only one of them for sure knows what my name is now.

BUT ALSO…maybe they weren’t very good people for me if this is how it all played out. Maybe some goodbyes are really GOOD byes. Even if they hurt.

I did my driver’s license and healthcard name and gender change this week. The guy at Service Ontario was super nice and patient and we were even on hold with his higher ups while he made sure all my documentation was in order. I had my change of name certificate and a letter from my doctor and a letter from me about what I was doing. And we took a new photo for both cards and I renewed my driver’s license which was going to expire in April anyway. So that’s coming in March. I also changed my name this morning with CRA, which was easy because only my first name changed. And even my first name has the first two letters the same so it’s not a huge change.

I called Indian Affairs (it’s something else now but if they still call me an Indian I’m still calling them Indian Affairs) and found out I need current photo ID. So I’m not sure about my current driver’s license since it’s in my old name AND I have the temporary name one but I said I would call back when I have my new driver’s license. So I can’t change that yet.

I looked into my SIN name and I have to have my birth certificate and photo ID so I’m going to wait until I have my driver’s license and birth certificate.

When I have my driver’s license and birth certificate I can finally get my passport. I had my guarantor fill out their section on my passport application yesterday, so THAT is done.

I was super anxious about the EIGHT weeks it seemed to take to do birth certificates since the last time I checked it was only applications received the beginning of December that were being processed. But this morning I checked and it jumped to applications received the beginning of January, which is only five weeks. So I am hopeful that the birth certificate stuff will have sped up enough that I get it at the beginning of March.

As soon as I can get my passport and know my money situation, I would be able to buy a plane ticket to my birthday vacation which I am hoping to spend in New York Citay! I just really love New York City and in the springtime especially is so lovely. Plus New York is BRUTAL in the summer, so like April/May is ideal visiting time.

Also I do a lot of work in the USA and this whole name change thing put that on hold. BUT it’s really not taking as long as I thought. I knew of someone else who did a name change that seemed to take months and months. And this process is taking months BUT ALSO I only got the name change process started mid November and it’s now early February and I’m already almost ready to do my passport. So it’s pretty exciting. I’m going to totally kiss my passport when I get it ha ha.

Todd the puppy is fine but BITEY and he keeps aggravating his sister Posey by barking at her when she’s trying to chew a cow ear and it just gets right up her nose and gets her riled up. I keep having to separate them sometimes so they can eat/chew in peace. BUT overall the family is gelling more. Posey does like to play with Todd and I never saw her play much with Little Mister, so this is kind of sweet. And even when she gets angry snappy, I can tell she is holding herself back because she knows Todd is just a baby. He’s just a bad baby! This evening he got stuck under a box and I was on the toilet so I looked up and this cardboard box was RUNNING towards me! It was so funny, I’m really glad Todd is such a clown. Little Mister was also really funny, so it’s nice to have another little canine comedian in the house.

Some exciting stuff happened this week in relation to the feature I’ve been working on, nothing I can talk about here but definitely a hopeful moment.

I exchanged some leather pants for smaller leather pants and they did fit amazing in the waist and butt, but then I realized the legs are too wide and baggy. So today I went to Etobicoke to get them altered. There was a place I went to closer to downtown, but they were more expensive than these people are and that was just for a hem. Also the website at this place keeps talking about their European tailors and I admit I am curious ha ha. The lady there was nice, I hope they turn out ok.

My Mom once told me not to get leather pants because I would never be that size again and I was like nooo whatever. But she was right because I lost weight and also my body shifted into more masculine fat and muscle patterns so my hips mostly disappeared. And of course my breasts are gone now also and my leather vest is cut for someone with breasts so it’s baggy in the front, and too big overall. So I gotta shift over to smaller men’s cut leather clothes. It was kind of amazing though because the new pants I got which are men’s cut fit my ass and hips SO WELL and also it’s just right in the waist. SO I’m trying to pass on my leather pants and vest. I also have a pair of leather suspenders which are too big for me, so I need to sell those too.

I’ve been working on my pecs and glutes at the gym. I mean I do a full body workout but I’ve been especially doing extra weights for my tits and ass basically. My one pec on the left side is actually starting to get puffy and better. But the one on the right is still really flat. So weird! But then I was walking to the streetcar and realized I put my right hand in the pocket of my bag and the left arm swings. So nerdly, I have to keep my arms out and swinging so that my muscles match. It was so weird when I realized that was what was going on. Anyway it’s really just a theory but I’ll keep both arms out when I walk and let you know in a couple months if they are closer to being the same size.

I’ve been watching youtube videos about parasocial relationships and trying to understand them better. I know I am on the other side of them sometimes and have a parasocial relationship with like, Youtubers I like and stuff. BUT I think the difference for me is that I understand their boundaries and don’t try and be their best friend or their lover. Like I will take whatever entertainment they are putting out and sometimes drop a comment or a like, but I’m not obsessed with any of them or private messaging them or anything. I don’t know, I wish people were more respectful like that towards me. I already give so much to an audience I don’t need to give my private time too. I deserve time to veg out without people expecting something from me with no real relationship between us.

I’ve also been reading in the Mitski subreddit about how many audiences are being straight up disrespectful towards her and I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with younger generations attitudes towards artists and musicians? What happened? I guess audiences have always been mixed. But this correlates with what I’ve heard about university students these days not knowing how to behave properly. I don’t know I don’t really feel like speculating further.

In TMI Trans dick news, (don’t read if you are my relative) I got this stroker recently that has this moveable foreskin on it and FUCK it looks and feels amazing. They made this foreskin sheath that has coconut oil inside of it, so you can rub it up and down this shaft that has a hole in it for your t-cock. I admit I haven’t been able to use it yet because I am waiting for this infection to clear. BUT wow it’s amazing. It feels really real and the skin is painted in such a way that it looks like there’s real veins in it. It is so cool.

I sent my gender change form in for my birth certificate, AND a money order, and I sent it Xpress Post so I’ve been tracking it and it was supposed to arrive on Friday. But now the Canada Post website says it will arrive on Tuesday. So it makes me nervous, if it’s lost I have to get that form notarized again and have my doctor fill it out again and get a new money order AND ALSO write a letter explaining that my last birth certificate was lost in the mail. SO frustrating. I’m not sure what to do but I guess I will wait and see. I am going to ServiceOntario on Tuesday to sit in a long line to update my drivers license and my Healthcard. And once that is done I can have my doctor update my name every where in the system. AND when my plastic drivers license card arrives I will have photo ID for my Passport application. But I can’t do my Passport application until I get my birth certificate. And I don’t know how long that will take, the Saskatchewan website says they are only now processing applications for birth certificates that they got in the end of November. I hate this. I knew I’d be in this weird zone after changing my name but it’s so frustrating how much I have to do to update it everywhere. I really hope my backwards home province doesn’t decide to disallow people to change genders on their birth certificate. To be honest I could have my real gender displayed on my drivers license and passport without it being on my birth certificate. BUT this would be the easiest way to get it updated. Anyway, sigh.

I hate depending on the postal service.

OK two years ago around this time of year I sent a very emotional letter to someone who dumped me and then dumped me as a friend. BUT it went through the postal service and omfg. Because it was going to another country and in xpresspost they made me fill out a customs form. SO FUCKING embarrassing. What do you say? “Contents: Broken Heart Letter.” fuck I just wrote “Document.” which I’m afraid probably made the receiver feel like I was sending a legal letter and I wasn’t but they were also a lawyer so it would make sense. FUCK so embarrassing. They made me put down how much I thought the document was worth so it could be insured. I don’t think I insured it though. BUT I was obviously tracking it because I wanted to know when it arrived. SO EMBARRASSING. I think I wrote that it was worth a dollar? BUT THEN get this, the cost for this ONE broken heart letter was like, 30 or 35 bucks or something. FUCK. And of course if that isn’t embarrassing enough the envelope ALSO of course had to say how much I paid to send this sad letter. OMG but even worse is that because it was being sent this way I had to put both of our phone numbers on the envelope. And like we did date for a while so I of course had their phone number but I was just going beet red while filling this form out because I felt like it was gloating like “Ha ha ha and I have your phone number and I know where you live!” Which wasn’t my intent.

Honestly I should have just gotten their email address. Other people I have dated gave me their emails and it saves on postage. ALSO it means no one has to be delivered an awkward handwritten letter. Because my handwriting is ATROCIOUS and it always was, even when I was more consistent in using handwriting every day. I guess it was legible enough after all that because three days after it arrived I was told to fuck off forever. I still think that embarrassing moment at the post office when things got too real deserves to be in a movie tho.

I got the form filled out by my doctor to change my gender on my birth certificate. Saskatchewan is very particular about needing a doctor to sign off on it. I got the form notarized and then dropped it off for my doctor yesterday and got it back at the end of the day and rushed to the post office to send it away with a money order. And now we wait! I sent it XpressPost so it will arrive on Friday and then get in line I suppose. I am hoping it doesn’t take a super long time. Six weeks maybe? The time to get new birth certificates processed in Saskatchewan was eight weeks over the holidays but I’m hoping that just got extended because they were out of the office over Christmas and New Years. I guess we’ll see! I had no way to rush it which sucks, because I need it for my passport.

I also got a letter from my doctor so I can take it to Service Canada and change my gender on my Driver’s License, and I have to change my name there and on OHIP. So I made an appointment but it’s later in February and I might go bite the bullet and take a number and wait in line to go do it. At least they have a bunch of chairs there. That takes four to six weeks to come in the mail and I will need it to get my passport.

Once my passport is in my name and gender I’m going to feel a lot more relief. I also need to change my bank name and then reset my Interac so that my real name is on my etransfers and stuff. I think my chosen name is just my real name. It’s legally mine! I did the things!

I feel like I’ve done almost all the stuff related to my transition after this name/gender paperwork change goes through all my stuff. I know I probably won’t change my name everywhere for a while because I will still forget places until I go to use a service and see my old name. I also want to update my name at the Universities I went to and get new degrees issued, just for my own happiness. No one actually needs to look at my Master’s degree but it’s on my wall because dammit I worked hard for it, and it would be nice to see my real name on it. Also the University I went to changed it’s name from Ryerson to Toronto Metropolitan University and I think I would like to not see it’s deadname on my paper either, considering why the Ryerson name was dropped.

I recently got a grant and paid some debts and also put a lot of money down on a printer/scanner and it’s been MY FAVOURITE THING! Doing all this paperwork to change my name and gender legally has needed me to print and scan and copy so many forms and letters. And my handwriting makes me look like a serial killer and I don’t know that it’s very legible, so it’s good writing letters in print and being understood by doctors and bureaucrats. Definitely a worthwhile expense.

I’m also starting to work on my transition video more. I have a few more things I want to record but the grant is mostly for post production so I’ve been gathering all kinds of materials and am going to start playing around with them. I have multiple Instax photos, so many photos on my phone of my changing body, videos, voice memos as my voice changed. I also wrote a detailed blog here this whole transition so I might record some things I wrote here. I also want to get a video that uses an old prop in a new way.

Puppy is doing well! We’re starting to figure out how to lessen his bitey attacks. He doesn’t like being put on the floor because he likes being close to me, so when he’s being bitey I put him on the floor and when he stops I bring him back up and if he starts he goes back down. He is figuring it out. I learned this works because I signed us up for Puppy Classes at When Hounds Fly and we did the orientation where they explained how to do positive reinforcement and how dog psychology works. Basically I was flipping him on his back when he got bitey but then he just thinks we are playing. But when he’s on the floor he can’t play so it’s less desirable. He’s taking five classes over the next two months and hopefully that helps him become a good citizen. If I can I am going to sign him up for more classes, there’s a foundational dog skills class we might take. This school also does scent detecting classes and he might like that because Dachshunds are scent hounds.

Anyway I’m glad Todd is adjusting to this home. He’s doing ok, and Posey even likes playing with him sometimes unless he gets real annoying.

I also learned I may have a longstanding bacterial infection which I was confusing with a specific STI. But no it’s not this particular STI it’s something else! If it gets sorted I can have a real active sex life again so I am looking forward to that. Condoms only prevent so much and I don’t know how infectious this bacteria is so I haven’t really played a lot. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t have an endless parade of dicks in my Grindr and I could be having fun instead of having to wait for this to clear and turn people down. Not to say I only play with people with dicks, but PIV sex even with condoms is more contact and more potential to transmit things than other sex with barriers like using gloves and dams. Also I just want my life back!

ALSO though it’s potentially having more impacts on my body than my play areas. Like, the Infectious Disease doctor was asking if I was losing clumps of hair, and I know it’s thinning but I assumed that was the hormones. Also he asked if I was getting more spots, like zits and boils etc. And I AM. But again I thought that was the hormones. So it turns out I probably have an infection that I’ve had almost as long as I’ve been transitioning. What the hell. BUT I dunno maybe when it clears up I can have another glow up. It would be nice to grow my hair again but I don’t know if it will all come back. It definitely does look a bit patchy. I don’t know, I’ve been constantly shaving it.

Overall I am doing well. Dogs are well. I should be able to get rid of this infection finally. Name change proceeding along as normal. Gender change also proceeding legally. I’m feeling good about where things are at. ALSO I am going to get to travel eventually which is good.

I have a new dog! His name is Todd (after Todd Haynes), he is a nine week old mini dachshund. He is VERY busy and likes to play and is friendly and brave but I keep having to separate him from Posey because he gets all in her face and she wants to tune him up. So far no big fights, just some snaps in his face. Last night was stressful because he came home just after nine pm and was really scared and Posey was pretty aggravated that he was with us. I alternated having one of them in a kennel and the other loose until finally putting Posey on the bed tied to the headboard with a short leash and Todd on the bed in another leash so I could pull him to safety if it went sideways. This was around 11pm and she was panting a lot because she was stressed, but finally had chilled out enough that I felt they could both be off leash together. They even played on the bed just before we went to sleep, which seemed like a good sign.

He’s wanted to play with her again today, but she was NOT interested. I think she still needs to warm up to him. She was doing some resource guarding so I had to take things away while they get used to each other. I’m super concerned about not setting Posey up to fail, so any time she seemed to need space I would pull Todd away or put him on the floor or otherwise get him out of her face. So far so good. She did snap at him a few times but they were warning snaps. He still doesn’t totally get it.

He’s a baby so he has terrible manners. Was trying to chew wires, my t shirt, all kinds of things. He’s also really distractible which is nice, I can get him away to play with pieces of paper and new toys and stuff. He’s got four toys out right now and I bought a box of little dog toys so I’m slowly bringing them out over the next few days. He wants his mouth on everything!

BUT some good things about him include him knowing exactly what a pee pad is for, and that he’s a friendly and sociable little guy, and also very funny. His personality is very similar to my old dog Little Mister. Little Mister was hilarious and sweet and that seems to be the way this fellow is. I haven’t introduced him to many friends except for my pal who took me to go get him. So I don’t know how he will be with them, hopefully better than Posey is with my friends. Posey is fine if we go for a walk first. But she’s old and particular.

I took her to an overdue vet appointment today and she has a heart murmur! A bad one too. I’m hoping she’ll be ok. She needs an echocardiogram to see what is going on with her little heart and then might go on some medication for it. They said it could result in heart failure so I have to watch out for different signs. Like a sudden disinterest in exercise, or her breathing changing. She does have loud breathing. Last time she was at the vet and I said she breathed funny they said she needed to lose weight. And then she did. And still breathed weird! So that’s probably it. She’s a bit chubby again now tho. BUT ANYWAY ahh I love Posey I don’t want to lose her prematurely. Especially now that she has a friend again.

Posey was an only dog from 2021 to 2024. She had a nice time being an only dog. So I do feel kind of bad that now there’s a new dog she has to learn to love. I hope her heart is not broken from it. I’m trying to give her lots of attention but also puppies need TONS of attention and I’m aware there’s an imbalance when one dog is trustworthy and can do what she pleases and the other one is a cute terror who wants to bite everything.

What I love about Todd is that he is calm and friendly and generally happy although he is a bit of a cry baby. He’s adorable and I think his personality will end up helping Posey take things more in stride. Also when I took her to the vet today I put him in a crate so he couldn’t hurt himself while we were gone, and when I came back he was in the back of the crate totally sleeping and unbothered. He didn’t even notice us come home right away because he was so sleepy. When I leave Posey she sometimes barks out of anxiety. So having one dog be totally cool with some alone time might rub off on her. Also they can snuggle each other when I’m out when I can trust him more that he won’t chew wires.

I have things to get him used to. Like, my sex life alone and with other people because I don’t want him crying around while I’m trying to get off. I honestly probably can’t have lovers or hook ups come over for a while because he’s just too little and too demanding right now. Maybe in a month I can re-evaluate his capacity to be in a crate while I’m having sex with someone. But then also like, puppies are so calm when they tire themselves out.

Next week he goes to the vet and gets some more shots. I think soon he can go to dog areas. I’m waiting until he gets the right shots for parvo and stuff. I think he has one parvo shot now but I’m not sure if he needs more before he can be in areas with dogs.

Aside from that he’s so cute and adorable. Definitely a winning personality. I love watching him play and discover the world. I’m happy my family got bigger again. Also though taking care of a senior and a baby animal at the same time is a LOT of work. But I love them and they love me and that makes it worth it.

I was overdrawn this morning and checked and my cheque went through for my name change. I put borrowed money in it right away thanks to my Mom and then later the bank gave me a five dollar NSF PAID fee, so it’s fine now. I am relieved! It’s been a long time since I put the package in the mail and the postal code had issues and I was starting to wonder if some stranger in Thunder Bay had my long form birth certificate and this big package instead of Vital Statistics. BUT no, they got it, it’s fine! I also heard about how any tiny error in the form could make them send it back. So I was worried about that too, like what if I wrote something wrong? I had my friend who’s a lawyer look at it and sign it before it went off, but I was still nervous. It’s fine though! I am really a Theo Jean Cuthand now. Now I have to update all my other stuff. I need to change my gender on my birth certificate too. And I was born in a different province than I live in now so it’s a whole thing to do this. And Saskatchewan doesn’t seem to have easy options to speed up sending me a new birth certificate. Which means I am cutting it close for getting my passport in time for some work in NY in a couple of months. I really hope all goes well. I need to also get my doctor to sign a form and write a letter for the gender stuff but now I think I need it in my new name so that’s all confusing. It will get sorted. It’s just that there’s stuff I need to do. I do a lot of work in the USA and I haven’t been able to travel this fall/winter after Buenos Aires when I sent in this form. SO I just want it sorted so I can do gigs there again.

BUT I see the end of this process now. I have to update my stuff all in a specific way before I can get my passport, so I’m just going to methodically go through this process and by the end of it I will have a passport and drivers license etc with my real name on it and my real gender. I think it will help me out. Like border agents won’t side eye me for being trans. Or they still could but I pass more easily now so the goal is just to go through the border without much issue. I know things like TSA will still suck cause their magic machine is gonna alert them that I don’t have a cock. I DO but it’s petite and tucked away! It’s big for my demographic but small for cis guy demographics I guess. Although I know there’s a group of micropenis-having cis men out there so I’m probably not the only one getting dinged for not having a big enough penis. I don’t know, TSA is weird. I think something not being there shouldn’t trigger a patdown. Like what are they looking for? The invisible bomb in my pants? That doesn’t make any sense!

Anyway I’m really happy my name change went through. I gotta update it with my co-op too I guess. I’m gonna spend ages looking for all the places that still have my old name. It was a cool old name, like it had a Z in it that is pretty sweet I think. But it’s not my name anymore and doesn’t fit me. And now legally it really isn’t my name anymore. I kept most of my old name, like the first two letters of my first name and then the other two names are the same except I pronounce Jean in the masculine French way. OH my therapist can finally put my whole name on my receipts! We’ve been doing TJ Cuthand for a while in case CRA doesn’t accept the receipts. But now it will be fine!

I gotta do the bank and all that too, and Indian Affairs. And I don’t know if I also have to contact my rez to change my name or if Indian Affairs will do it on their end. I feel like my rez should know though because sometimes they give us money, and I don’t know if they will generate the band list all the time based on Indian Affairs. It’s confusing. I wish it was easier to change my name with everything. Once I get my birth certificate and passport issued in my new name and gender, I will feel better and not so stressed. Those are the main ones. I can change my drivers license and health card sooner because I just need to have my name change certificate and a letter from my doctor. My drivers license was gonna need to get renewed this year anyway. And ditto for my Status Card. Status cards take months to process though, so that will be a while. But I only use it at the pharmacy, and the pharmacy can probably still use my registration number until then.

I ordered some business cards in my final name also, so now I don’t have to give out all these TJ/Deadname business cards I had. I can put it on my baggage tag too.

Also once all that is changed I can change my Aeroplan account so I can use my points for a trip. If I do this right I still might be able to have a birthday vacation this year. That would be at the end of April and I’m sure by then I will have my passport, if not sooner.

I haven’t really thought about a birthday vacation destination yet. Everything has been so up in the air. I was almost hoping my name change didn’t go through, so that I didn’t have to do all this other work to update ID. BUT now the biggest hurdle is completed, I just gotta keep going and updating all the stuff.

I am Theo Jean Cuthand!

I’ve got a puppy coming! Next Monday I’m gonna pick up my new dog, tentatively named Todd after Todd Haynes, my fave director. He’s a cute little brown sable boy and so pretty and I met him last night and he was so small and sweet, but I don’t get my grant until Friday so I had to move Gotcha day to next Monday. PLUS I have a bunch of things to do this weekend out of the house and it wouldn’t be fair for Baby Todd to be left alone that much so young. But after that I am spending more time at home to be with Baby Todd and teach him things he needs to know. I am hoping Posey gets along with him and learns to share my affection again, like she did when Little Mister was alive. She’s seemed to like being an only dog but also I remember when my Furbo worked I would see her cuddling with Little Mister when I was out of the house and now she has no one to cuddle with when I am gone. So I think she would also like a new friend.

I ordered some other things I need for him and now it’s just a matter of puppy proofing the house. I gotta figure out how to hide these wires. Or make them not so appealing. I am gonna try and have lots of things for him to chew on. And I gotta make sure Posey still feels loved.

To be honest I think part of the reason I waited so long to get another dog was because I was hoping a partner would show up and want to move in and already had a dog. But ALSO the timing just wasn’t great. I was traveling a lot, expecting to do lots of work, etc. But with my name change going through I’m not going anywhere for a while. So that’s ok, I can raise my little boy to be a good dog citizen. He’s so small I think his first jacket is gonna be a cut up sock. I’m nervous I will squish him so I’m gonna have to be careful keeping track of where he’s hanging out. Also Posey goes under the couch all the time so he probably will too and I gotta make sure nothing bad is under there.

AND ALSO I just discovered a lump on Posey’s face today, near her ear. She’s going to see the vet next week anyway but now they will probably also have to do a biopsy. Hopefully it’s just a weird old dog lump. Most dog lumps tend to be not an issue. Little Mister had a lipoma for a number of years that never did anything bad to him except make him feel lumpy. But I gotta check!

I also got my nails done on the weekend which was exciting. I was putting it off because I wanted more masculine dude points with naked hands. BUT whatever I like pretty sparkly things AND I’m a boy ok sue me for wanting to be pretty. Ha ha ha.

I think I wrote here about a realization earlier in my transition when I realized thinking I looked ugly before was my dysphoria talking because I was wanted to be more dude shaped than I was for most of my life. And now that I’ve transitioned further and had top surgery and feel more comfortable in my body, I notice I get a lot of attention on apps and stuff. Which is nice! SOMETIMES anyway (when it’s not unwanted or from weirdos). I mean I am sure some of them are chasers. But also a lot of them just call me handsome or hot and stuff and it feels genuine in a way. And there’s someone I like who calls me a hunk which is always super sweet to hear.

It might also be that I’m more confident now. Also I did get a gym habit last year, and started doing boxing classes again. So that’s fun! I actually never thought I would like exercising. I hated P.E. when I was a kid/teen. It was always learning how to play competitive sports which I suck at because I’m a loser and hate that feeling ha ha. But just doing weight lifting and cardio is cool, and testosterone made my body change which was amazing to watch. And boxing is fun because I do recreational boxing so I’m not actually whaling on someone. And I’m not putting myself at risk of head injuries. Plus I bought gloves a while back and finally get to use them.

My facial hair is doing a thing, but so so so wispy that I’ve been shaving it off more frequently. It’s just like, mostly in the places I was hoping it would be, but it’s just thin still. And I don’t like putting on make up on it because I still mask in some places like public transit and I don’t want it to smudge my face up. It could still be coming! I will probably throw a party the first time I notice one of them turns into a terminal hair.

I’m excited that Posey and I get to have a new friend move in. Todd! He might end up with a different name but when I met him he seemed like a Todd. Plus I already ordered his name tag, so he better be a Todd! He was so calm and sweet and friendly. I’m looking forward to the challenge of raising a puppy again.

PLUS He was born exactly TEN years to the day that Posey was born. So what does that mean?! They have the exact same birthday. I hope it means they were meant to be sibs. But also Little Mister was a Taurus and I am a Taurus and Posey is a Scorpio and now there’s gonna be TWO Scorpios in my house, the balance has shifted! Water sign dogs. And I’m dating a water sign. So many water signs!! My sister is one too so that’s probably why I like them. My Dad is ALSO a Scorpio. OMFG that’s a lot. My mom is an Earth sign so that is grounding.

Ha ha do you want to hear the cutest water sign story I have? When my sister was a kid she used to practice crying. Like she would get a mirror and look in it and make herself look sad. And then she would GET sad because she looked SO SAD that she would start crying for real. Ha ha omg.

I think I have to talk to my therapist about the parasocial relationship people have with me. Usually I don’t think about it much. But sometimes people get kind of obsessed and I have to unfriend/block/whatever. I generally am fine. But I felt really sexually harassed over the last few weeks by a fb “friend” I had to unfriend and I was just being super avoidant and shut down in how I was responding to the situation because it made me so uncomfortable. I should have unfriended them sooner to be honest. So far I haven’t had to block them. But out of curious I checked who was on my block list on FB and it was a lot of people including a lot of women who were behaving sexually inappropriately with me. And it’s not like they were exes, my exes have all generally been kind enough to be respectful and not harass me after break ups. They were mostly women who knew my social media presence and got kind of obsessed and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, especially because the obsession seemed to be romantic in nature, and based purely off my online persona and not who I am as a person in real life.

I know parasocial relationships are just a thing people with big online/media presences have. But I wish people would be cooler about it and not try to insert themselves into my life in creepy ways. If I’m open to a romantic connection with someone meeting me online I would much rather be approached in a respectful way and it seems a lot of people just are too horny to be respectful. I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. I guess I am revealing a lot of information that makes people think we are acquainted when really the reality is it has to go both ways for that to be reciprocal.

I don’t know. I hope my therapist can help me work out my feelings about that. Talking about things like fame in the context of also constantly waiting to get paid seems kinda weird. I think my prayers when I was a kid to be rich and famous focused too much on the famous part and not enough on the rich. What luxury it would be to be rich and obscure! All that money and not one DM trying to get in my pants.

Someone told me that when Quentin Crisp was alive he was listed in the phone book and was amenable to people just calling him up and going to visit him. Like strangers. WOW! I can’t imagine that now, but at the same time it is kind of true for a lot of us because social media is frequently how people find me for work gigs and stuff. Like yeah I guess technically you could just message me on Instagram and ask something. BUT ALSO I get a lot of messages and can’t always keep up, or sometimes I just log in to send cute memes to a cutie I like and then go on with my day.

I’m not constantly available and even the times I am totally single I am not romantically available to just anyone. It’s very frustrating to have people make me uncomfortable because they feel close to me when I have no idea who they are and have no previous interactions with them.

I think I also worry about introducing partners to The Internet. I had one girlfriend who didn’t want any acknowledgement of our relationship online because she didn’t want The Internet to know. At the time I was kind of hurt, but she is also someone with a higher profile in terms of Queer world fame, so it makes a lot of sense now. I know people would have Thoughts to express about it and that would be weird. It’s over with her now and I’m still not going to name her because that’s our business.

But also I would like to be able to share a cute couple pic someday with me and whoever, when someone is ready for The Thoughts that people might have.

I had one girlfriend I mentioned on my FB and 200 people liked that post and I think it weirded her out so she broke up with me a couple weeks later. See I don’t want that! I’m almost tempted to do a slow reveal someday where this person is just kind of always lurking in the background of my posts and then finally one day surprise this is my sweetheart!

I wish I could talk to more people about what it’s like dating as a famous but poor person, or even just what it’s like to have so many people so familiar with so many things. I know in some ways I did this to myself because I wanted to see what it was like having personal things in public like this. But I still deserve respectful messages when people message me. And I still deserve to date people who aren’t overwhelmed by the people who think they know me. I’ve spent a lot of time with this blog specifically and my friends and family trying to figure out ok boundaries and stuff and I do my best. It’s why this blog has such a naval gazing feel to it, because people don’t like it when you talk about them online.