UGH! I am starting to hate my family again. I guess I shouldn’t hate EVERYONE because it’s really just a few rotten apples that are pissing in my cornflakes. I am really wondering why I am friends with some of them on facebook when they seem to just leave asshole comments or are generally pissy.

I unfriended Steven quite a while ago and he never noticed and then he took down his facebook anyway, so whatever, he never sees anything I post. ANYWAY, I got this Pendleton Blanket from my Grandparents for getting sober. And it was kicking around for a while and then the cat puked on it. And I was gonna clean it off, but I kept forgetting about it. So Steven in his great wisdom decided to help me by not only putting it in the washer, but also the dryer. This after we had had two incidents with woolen things either going in the washer and getting wrecked, or being saved from his determination to put all fibres into the washing machine. So I had THOUGHT he had realized that WOOL DOESN’T GO IN THE WASHER! Arrrrrrrg! I don’t think he knows what wool is.

So my blanket is shrunk and I was really mad and I made ONE status about it all day and my fucking cousin comes along and bitches about how I complain about Steven all the time and I just fucking had it. I’m tired of my family being so concerned about Steven’s man feelings when he does stupid shit that pisses me off like wrecking my expensive sweater and my Pendleton blanket. I don’t know why nobody cares that I have a fucked up living arrangement and no way to get out of it because rent elsewhere is fucking eight hundred dollars! Steven hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, which is good, and I haven’t complained about that, but in the past yes when he drinks I get pissed off because he turns into an asshole and disrupts our whole household. So I have posted about his fucked up behaviour, because I don’t buy into the whole keeping quiet about alcoholism thing that fuels so many other alcoholic homes. I’m not interested in enabling any fucking man.

ANYWAY, he really hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, so this was just about my frustration with his cluelessness about how to do the laundry. And I am tired of the cousin who bitched about my bitching, because of a lot of things but mostly because she pisses me off and keeps posting new age crap about this dawning world we are supposed to see that is SO psychosis influenced it scares me! I shouldn’t be scared of psychosis fueled ideas, because I have had them, but maybe it’s because I have had them that I am so annoyed by them. It all makes sense and like, you’re going to be intimately involved with saving the world and blah blah blah, but it’s just mania. IT IS JUST MANIA! And sure, sometimes it comes in handy, like for Winston Churchill who really did have to help save the world and was in a manic episode for most of the Second World War. But it just makes me cringe because I think of all the stupid stuff I said when I was manic and saving the world and how I thought I knew everything and was smarter than everyone else. I guess part of me worries that people have to go through depressions after manias to let go of those ideas and maybe she hasn’t and is still mildly manic.

So anyway I put her on restricted profile so I wouldn’t have to deal with her weird comments, and then I took her off my newsfeed so I don’t have to read all those psychosis influenced posts. And then I just felt mad for a while at my family because I am tired of having interpersonal drama and it all seems to stem from Steven who I really wish I didn’t live with but I don’t have a choice. And a part of me just wants all these family members to actually step up and take Steven into their house and live with him and see what they think about the experience and if they would or wouldn’t have a complainy status once in a while. And if they did complain I would just comment “Ha ha!” He is not an easy guy to live with.

But beyond all of that, I really want to get the hell out of this city. I’m not growing here. I’m stuck. And I don’t really feel respected here, I feel like a lot of people think I suck. And I am tired of that feeling. I want to go somewhere where I can actually have a career again and be involved with my community and all that stuff. And Saskatoon isn’t the place for it. I can’t even make a television show here because the tax credit is gone. Anyway, I had much higher self esteem when I lived in another city away from my family. I was really good at self care and I had some strong support networks of friends. I didn’t ever have like, scads of friends, but the ones I did have were really good friends who would like, take me in if I was suicidal and stuff. Here I feel like I am just getting picked on.

And I am pissed that it seems to be cousins who are acting like assholes. It makes me want to unfriend all my cousins just to get it over with because I feel like they are all going to turn on me one day. And I know they aren’t and that I am close with some of them, yes yes yes. But also some of them are assholes. But I think they know they are assholes, that’s not a newsflash.

Ugh! I am tired! I’m going to bed. I’m not going to post a link to this blog on my facebook just because I only want dedicated readers to see this, and not just whatever people. I need to get more selective.

I got on social assistance, actually I am on the SAID program right now, which is good because it gives me extra money to live on. I filled out the official application and it has to go to Abilities who then come and assess me and decide if I am disabled enough for it. Which will be interesting, because my bipolar disorder is really an illness which fluctuates from mild to severe disability. Right now it is fairly mild, and has been for a number of years. But in the past I have had clearly debilitating episodes which rendered me completely unable to work. So I don’t know what they are going to say.

I got my cheque today, and paid my rent, groceries, phone bill, and overdraft on my chequing account. I also bought Steven a pack of smokes because he gave me a bunch of his when I was still smoking, and twenty bucks. I still have some money leftover! This is quite amazing. I am going to use some of the rest to get a hard drive to send to my distributor with my videos on it. I’m tired of the limited distribution I am doing with my tapes right now, because I haven’t gotten them to VTape and I am just getting shows here and there and not submitting them to festivals.

After that I will have a bit of money to go to the movies and out for dinner with a friend. And maybe some extra if I am lucky. I’m really happy I quit my addictions, because they burned through my money really fast.

I haven’t smoked since yesterday at around 1:00pm. I’ve been doing patches and lozenges and I am doing alright. Indian Affairs DID pay for my patches again, and so I am determined to really do it properly this time and follow directions and NOT SMOKE! EVER! I picked up 100 dollars worth of patches the other night and I’m still using up my last box that I bought, so I haven’t even started the new ones yet. I feel like I can shell out money for lozenges to get through the big cravings, because I hardly have lozenges anyway so it won’t be a lot of money, like the patches are.

My no drinking no weed thing is STILL going strong! I don’t want to fall off the wagon and I hardly think about it, unless I smell weed on somebody and get memories. But my last months with weed were awful, I felt so shitty every time I smoked up. Really out of control and freaked out, like my mind was going to places I didn’t want it to go. Dark places. I started feeling like I was insane every time I smoked up, and I am, but like, actively insane. I can see what David Suzuki was talking about, how marijuana has changed even just in the decade and a bit since I started using it, more prone to inducing psychosis because the chemical that protected against psychosis has been bred out. I’m glad I don’t have it in my life anymore.

And I am also glad not to get pukey drunk anymore.

Steven’s listening to Depeche Mode downstairs, I think he is depressed. He found out how much money I got today from Social Services and was upset because it was more than his. I don’t even know if I will get to stay on the program. I hope so, until I find a job. A good paying job.

I haven’t gotten any phone calls from any of the jobs I have applied for. I’m getting weary of this, because I don’t know what the issue is and I suspect it is racial discrimination. Cuthand is very obviously a First Nations name here and there are a lot of racists in this town. In this province. In this country. But I can’t prove it’s discrimination if they don’t even call me in for an interview.

I’m still single. I’m getting bored of that too. My libido has STARTED coming back, I am actually being sexually active, albeit alone, on a more regular basis than before. So I am relieved, because I really didn’t care about orgasms for a while there. And how can you not care about ORGASMS???? They are the best thing in life! I spent a large part of my formative years being obsessed with having as many orgasms as I could possibly have! Hell, I even went to bed early because of that! I used to masturbate in the middle of the afternoon. I don’t do that anymore, sadly, because of roommates who are also family members. But when I move out, I’m so doing it! Anyway, I am still left wondering who this mystery girlfriend is gonna be and also feeling a little hopeless because I don’t think my next girlfriend is in Saskatoon. I don’t know where she is. Maybe she is here, I don’t know. She’s not on OK Cupid though because the only girls who seem to be there are poly bisexuals, and I’m not poly anymore because it fucking sucks.

I haven’t knitted my hat in a while because I am still doing the ribbing and getting confused as to whether I have to purl or knit. I should work on that because the only other hat I found is a 30 below hat, and it’s only maybe three or five below during the days, for which a knitted toque would be ideal.

My sleep is fucked up because I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. I also haven’t been to my concurrent disorders group in a while because I don’t like the new facilitators because they aren’t as good as the old ones. I know they are learning and all that but I would be nice to get some recognition for having sober time instead of them saying nothing unless you’ve fallen off the wagon. Anyway, BLAH! Also we now have to fill out these evaluation forms every beginning and end of the sessions, and it takes up time because they have to explain them all the time and some people need extra help filling them out and we really only have an hour to all talk. So those are reasons I am not happy with the group anymore.

I should go tomorrow, but I have a whole list of errands I need to do tomorrow and it is going to eat up most of my time. Maybe I will check out an online NA meeting or something instead. Although I don’t really click with NA.

I feel like I am getting ahead and yet am also stuck in a rut. I really wish I had a job or something. Or a girlfriend. Although word on the street is people on disability aren’t as desireable for girlfriends as people with jobs. I’m getting so tired of reading things about how you shouldn’t date someone if they don’t have a job and live with their mother. The economy is terrible, what do you expect? Rent for a one bedroom apartment in Saskatoon is an average of eight hundred dollars a month, on par with Toronto, and I can’t afford it. And I don’t usually do well as roommates with people and I don’t like having to move all the time. I like having long term housing situations. My best apartment in Vancouver was 450 a month for 300 square feet and I lived there for three years. And I was happy, because I wasn’t moving around all the time and having roommate issues. I like long term housing. Some people move all of the time, and I wonder how they can stand it?

Anyway, this blog post sounds all kinds of bummed out, and actually I am pretty happy these days despite all of this. I’m glad I have a safe place to live with my dog and kitty, and I am glad Steven hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, and I am glad I have things I am doing and looking forward to. I haven’t done much work on my paper, because I still don’t have access to online journals, but my mom gave me an idea of how I can get access so I am going to try. I also have to contact my references for grad school, and go over the application again and work on some extra scripts to send as part of my portfolio. I’m getting really nervous about grad school, I am scared I won’t be let in and I will feel rejected and sad like a bad artist/writer, and I am also scared I will be let in and have to worry about moving to a new city and surviving on the tiny amount of living allowance that my band pays to post sec students. I’m scared I will be lonely, even though I know a bunch of people in Toronto, and I’m scared I will go crazy and need someone to look after my pets while I am sick. I am scared about a lot of things. On the other hand, having an MFA in Screenwriting could nudge me in a really good direction with my career. Maybe juries would take me more seriously with an MFA, and most film departments have a Screenwriting prof. I think I could teach about narrative writing a lot better than I could teach about technical aspects of putting 16mm through a Bolex. It would be more satisfying to me.

I’m also worried about the fact that I will be really poor in Grad school, and have to work a part time job along with going to school, and that it won’t give me enough time to write and do the schoolwork I will need to do. I never worked while I was going through my BFA, and that was really good for me because I was secretly disabled and still had a full courseload and if I’d had to work I would have had a really hard time.

Anyway, BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wish my life was a bit sexier. I don’t have a trip to Germany to look forward to. I have been thinking about taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the not too distant future, but I would need some major money to enter my life for that. I want to suntan on the black sand beach, and go to the Volcano park. I’ve never seen a volcano. They seem so exotic to me, being a prairie girl where geologically things are fairly tame. I’d like to see the raw power of the earth spitting magma. Maybe there is a film festival who will program Boi Oh Boi in Hawaii. One can only hope.

Also I am not applying for residencies until April, when I find out about Grad School. So I don’t think I will be going anywhere exciting this summer.

I’m at this really awkward phase in my recovery, where I have been sober for a number of months and want to continue improving my life, but don’t know what the next step is. It feels like being a gangly teenager who is really clumsy because they are unaware of the new proportions of their body. I am quitting smoking YET AGAIN! I haven’t had a cigarette since 1pm today, and for the last three days in a row I have woken up, had a couple puffs of butts, and then slapped on a patch and been smober for the rest of the day. It’s just hard getting through that morning bit. I really look forward to my morning smoke the most out of all my other smokes. It gets me out of bed and makes me feel satisfied for a little while. So it’s hard to let go of it. Other than that one time of day I am fine just wearing a patch.

But it’s not just quitting smoking. I want to do something MORE! Like make great art or get a job or SOMETHING! Last blog I mentioned how I want a relationship again, but I feel like that is out of my control. I started flossing today. I am going to try to floss every night before I brush my teeth and go to bed. I hear flossing adds years to your life. Literally! It’s one of the best things you can do. That and quitting smoking.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try NOT having my morning puffs. I am going to remain smokeless, ALL DAY! Hmm. I have ten bucks. I could spend it on one of those vapour smokes, those things that look like cigarettes but only have water vapour in them. But no, that just seems silly.

I lost my nicotine mints today, so I have had NONE! Just the damn patch. I am going to try and make a doctor’s appointment to see if Indian Affairs will pay for another round of patches for me, so I don’t have to shell out money I don’t have.

I also need to pay the rent. And I have gotten no money this month. I am going to call Social Services tomorrow and see about getting back on welfare temporarily. Like for a month or something. When I have been on welfare it hasn’t ever been for very long. Maybe four months at the most. I would get a year long pass to the Leisure Centres and cheap bus passes for six months. So that would be nice. Plus I would be able to pay my rent. Which would be a relief. Sigh!

The only thing that sucks about Welfare is that they don’t like you to make more than a couple hundred extra bucks a month, and as an artist sometimes spurts of cash come into my life, like my last artist fee payment from my distributor which was 1500 bucks because of a sale to a gallery. That was a while ago. And I know in late November I have a couple gigs that will get me cash. But that won’t be soon enough to pay my rent.

So la la la! Life, art, blah de blah. I applied for another job today. That makes three jobs I have applied for. No! Four jobs I have applied for! All officey jobs. Or customer service. I hope I get some calls for interviews! I was really hoping to hear back from one employer today, but I didn’t. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t know how long it is going to take them to go through applications.

And with all this going on I still have to write my scholarly paper for school. I need access to academic writings. I don’t have cash to buy books, and Mum doesn’t have cash to get a university library card. It sucks! I hate poverty.

Speaking of poverty, we didn’t have to buy our lottery tickets today! We won three free plays. Which is pretty awesome, because each free play is five dollars worth of tickets. And the next Lotto Max draw is for 50 million with 50 maxmillions, which are basically 50 additional draws for a million dollar prize! So we have 51 chances to win! 😀 That will keep my sad hopes up until Saturday when we check our tickets.

I haven’t started work on my Halloween costume yet. And I also have to write a fictional short story in two weeks if I want to be in this book, and I haven’t any ideas what to write about. Maybe I will get an idea. It snowed today, which was nice because I like when a season finally is upon us, instead of these weird transition periods.

Kind of like my life. I feel like as a sober person I am still going through some kind of transition. To a different life. A better life. Maybe if I have a full time job I will feel like I am getting somewhere. It would be nice to at least be able to start saving money for my move to Toronto. I’d feel a lot happier if I had five thousand dollars to move and live on for a while.

It’s almost 1am on a Sunday night, which is really Monday Morning. I am not sure what I want to blog about, except that I feel compelled to write so I may as well.

It was fisting day yesterday! That’s always exciting, even though I didn’t fist anyone yesterday! I remember the first time I successfully fisted my then girlfriend. I was penetrating her and then it just slipped in. It was so awesome! And there was this immense warm feeling of pinkness that enveloped me. It was an amazing sensation for my hand to be engulfed in her pussy. Just swallowed up. So yeah, I like it either way, being on the receiving or the giving end of fisting. All around fisting fan!

Actually, after years of calling myself a bottom, I have only recently accepted that I am more likely a switch. I really like submission with women I love and masochism in general, but I have discovered a more dominating desire within me come out from time to time. Actually the first time I had an inkling I might be a switch was when I was talking with a far away friend on the phone and we were blabbing about Daddies when she called me Daddy in this totally vampy high femme tone of voice and my breath caught in my throat. It totally turned me on! Since then I have thought about being a butch Daddy for some lucky Femme. I think I would be stern but loving. And of course being a switch and therefore needing some time as a bottom I wouldn’t always be Daddy.

I used to have a girlfriend who was a switch. But it only lasted six months, and she was in charge pretty much all of the time, until it all unraveled. I’d like my next girlfriend to be a switch. I’m worried I’m going to end up settling for someone totally vanilla who isn’t going to expand their sexual horizons with me. That would really suck.

Actually, even though I don’t really have any active crushes going on right now, I have this deeply profound sense that my singleness may be ending relatively soon! Maybe that’s just because about now is the timeframe my psychic gave me for getting into my next serious relationship. But I do understand it really depends on me, and that I have to start attracting the right people who want to be with an emotional sentimental romantic softy, and not the people who think I’m some bad girl with an attitude. Because they’ll be expecting one thing and I’ll show up and do something else like bring them flowers or wanting to spend all morning cuddling or something. I really like cuddly mornings. Or sex interspersed with cuddle monster sessions. I’m really physical with my girlfriends. I like pulling them into darkened doorways for intensely deep long kisses. And holding hands in the movie theatre. Or putting my hand on their thigh. Things like that.

Wow I miss all that stuff! It seems like I have such long periods of being single. Since my last girlfriend it has been over five years. I did have one lover during that time, but the interpersonal stuff between us was so awkward because it was a really casual fling type thing. And I guess I just prefer having sex when it’s going to go somewhere, even if it’s just for a few months. Just to be able to say “Yes, we had a relationship!” Although I understand some of my relationships should have been kept as casual flings. I guess what I am saying is sex makes me super attached. My oxytocin goes shooting around my brain/body and makes me bonded.

But I guess it doesn’t work like that for everyone.

I’ve been haunting OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish for a while, looking for potential mates. But so far I haven’t had much luck. I did go on two dates. One was terrible! I had never met someone so rude! Oh well. I feel like a specialty item now since I have gotten sober. And I already felt like that before, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m worried I seem like damaged goods or something fucked up like that. People pick really funny things to discriminate over. But I wouldn’t want to date those people anyway. I’m just worried EVERYONE is those people!

They say you shouldn’t get into a serious relationship your first year of sobriety. Then again, I am not following the NA program anyway, which is where that line of thought comes from.

Well, it’s 1:14! I should go to bed! Goodnight internet land!

I guess I could check in about my sobriety and what life is like now.

Well, in four days it will be five months without booze, and nine months without weed. It’s a big milestone. I’ve been feeling a lot more positive without it. It took some adjusting the first three sober months. I was missing my old life of partying and hanging out with drinkers. But then I started getting used to it. And being interested in other things. I started driving a lot more because I was sober and therefore allowed to drive all the time! It was pretty wicked, I would go on long drives with my cousin Deanna and check out places of the city that I didn’t usually go, like across the river from the Regional Psychiatric Centre. Which incidentally is where Karla Holmolka was once. And I think Paul Bernardo too. Maybe. Anyway, besides that, recently as I have mentioned I really got into my knitting. And drinking teas. All kinds of teas, Earl Grey, Pomegranate and Egyptian Mint, Chamomile, Raspberry Zinger, Blueberry, Good Night Tea. I’ve really gotten into tea drinking. I am thinking of making my own London Fogs too.

I’ve gone to NA, which wasn’t really a fit with me. I’ve gone to Concurrent Disorders. I’ve talked with my psych nurse about my sobriety. I have made plans to go back to school to learn screenwriting. That’s a big step because it involves moving to Toronto, my last of the Big Three, as in the Big Cities of Canada. There’s Calgary and Winnipeg I guess too, but they don’t have the same hype around them as Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. And I have already lived in Vancouver and Montreal. Montreal was mean, at least if you are a psych patient. I have heard mixed things about Toronto for psych patients/survivors. On one hand there is a lot being done in terms of mad activism. On the other hand I have heard negative things about the psych wards there. I’ll have to look into it.

I’m applying for jobs again. I just need to make decent cash in my last year of living here so I can save up money for school and moving. Anyway, that’s a big step too. It would kinda suck having a job to go to five days a week, but it would also be nice to have a little financial stability.

I’m on the alert for potential partners. I don’t know where I will meet somebody, since I haven’t gone to the gay bar since May. But I never met good girlfriends in bars anyway. I met them through friends or at school or work. I could meet someone somewhere new though, I mean really, who knows? My psychic says around now I should be getting into my next serious relationship. Or in November. But it depends on me. That whole showing my soft side thing. My gooey innards.

I am excited about the prospect of leaving my Mum’s house, in fact of leaving this city altogether. I’m starting to get irritated by dramatic cousins and the interpersonal shit that goes on with them. I’d like to just be far away and have my own friends and get on with being 35 (which is the age I will turn next year). I think it would be nice to get some distance from my family. They can really stress me out. I think Mum does too much stuff for people, but she won’t change. It just worries me that it’s gonna wear her out and lead her to an early grave!

Anyway, my sobriety is important. It’s helped me make some major changes in my life. And I’m not sad about not being able to party anymore. I’d like to make some more friends who don’t want to go to the bar all the time. It would be nice. One thing I miss is knowing which friends actually like spending time with me sober and which ones only wanted to hang out so we could all get drunk. Sometimes I am not sure. I’m spending a lot of weekend nights at home. That kinda sucks. It would be nice to go out and do things.

I’ve been making pies and tarts and muffins. It’s been fun. I need to make more things. Baking has been really lovely because at the end there is something yummy to eat.

One thing that sucks is how poor I am these days. I need to make more money. I know I can, I just have to work harder.

Tomorrow I am helping a friend make a video, so I should go to bed now.

Well I have a lot more energy these days and I am in a pretty good mood. My libido is still mostly absent, but I have some hope it will return. Today I finally finished my scarf. Last night I finished knitting the last few inches and cast off, and today after purchasing some yarn needles I sewed in all the loose ends. I wore it a few times outside while smoking, it is SUPER warm! 😀 Yay yay yay! I’m pretty happy with it, I have finally finished my knitting project! Next I am doing dishcloths, and then after a bit of practice I am moving on to knitting myself a hat! I might do it using the perl stitch, because I have to learn that.

I actually cleaned my room today. If you know me you would know that is quite a feat! I did the laundry, swept, washed the floor, sprayed an enzyme down that eats dog urine odor, and decluttered the area of my room that was just covered with boxes and books and random shit! I’m trying to properly housetrain Mister, because even though he goes outside all the time he still sneaks off and pees in my room. And Mum’s room, and the kitchen, and the office. Never the bathroom, oddly enough.

I also want him to be a good roommate for if I live with someone in Toronto. He’s a really sweet dog, he just has that flaw. But I have been reading about housebreaking an adult dog, and it seems simple enough as long as I can be consistent.

I have high hopes for my future these days. I feel like I had been at loose ends for a long time, really aimless. And now I feel like things might finally come together for me. I’m applying to school, I applied for a job today, I am knitting, I am starting to take care of things around the house like cleaning. I feel like I have turned a new leaf since I quit drinking and drugging. I am starting to care about things again, whereas before I would just use until I didn’t care anymore. It’s a good feeling.

I have work in the morning, but it is supposed to snow, which means we won’t be able to find needles. So I am dubious it is going to happen. But I should still go to bed early. I’m not sure what I should do. Right now I am drinking tea. I could knit, but I don’t know if I feel calm enough. My mind is busy. I hope I don’t go manic, that’d suck! Maybe knitting is a good idea, it would help still my mind. I have been thinking about getting into meditation. I have a yoga mat I could sit on while I do it. It would be really good for my bipolar disorder.

Well, I think I am gonna surf the web and read self helpy webpages. I used to go across the street to Chapters when I lived on South Granville and sit in the self help section reading. It was awesome! 😀

UGH! One of my cousin’s sent me this totally aggressive message on facebook about how I needed to shut it about my alcoholic roommate. So I unfriended him and blocked him. I don’t appreciate men telling me what I can and can’t talk about, it’s really paternalistic and offensive! Besides that, my facebook is where I get support from people, it pisses me off when members of my family want me to cut off that outlet.

There are some really weird things that happen in a family riddled with substance abusers. There is this pervasive shame around it and silence, and if you break the silence then people get really pissed off. Because it also makes them have to look at themselves. And people don’t like looking at their own substance abuse issues. And there is also a whole slew of codependents and enablers and all kinds of things going on. It really sickens the whole family system. I’m really tired of it. And I am starting to look forward to getting out of the city for good. I don’t like being around this shit. I feel like it is adding stress to my life that isn’t healthy. And Mom’s talking about Steven living here next May!!!!! So I don’t think he is going to leave at all. I think I have to live with him until I move next August. Which is really frustrating. Some days he is a really good roommate, funny, helpful, charming. I like him those days. Then other days he is just an asshole! It’s the whole alcoholic rollercoaster that I am sick of.

Anyway, I have no choice around him, I can’t get away from him because I can’t move out of my Mom’s house yet. I’m stuck with him. And it’s really unhealthy and frustrating and it’s been a year with him now with very little improvement. I still feel like he is using us. But really, what I wanted to talk about in this post was being pissed off with my other cousin for trying to tell me what I can and can’t write about. It’s so infuriating. If he feels shame reading about Steven then he can just fuck off. I need to talk about what it is like to live with a very active alcoholic. And it’s not even like I do talk about him all the time, I rarely talk about him. But he does live with me, so shit is gonna come up. And if he doesn’t want me talking about him falling off the wagon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over then he can move out! No one’s keeping him here! If he was a drunk somewhere else I wouldn’t mention it because it wouldn’t be impacting my life. But it DOES impact my life! For instance his last drunk he took 35 dollars worth of our meat to a friends house to eat. That’s a lot of money! And we can’t afford to feed his friends while he is on a drunk! That kind of stuff makes me angry!

I think this whole idea of shutting up women to hide family secrets is sick. I’m not going to listen to a man tell me what to do. That’s one of the myriad reasons I am a lesbian, so I don’t have to listen to a stupid man!

Anyway, UGH!

Well, I should go knit. I am nearly done this ball of wool, then I move on to the next ball until my scarf is long enough! And then I am making dishcloths! I am giving a few away as Christmas presents. I’m gonna try not to buy Christmas presents this year for anyone but Mum and Sky. There’s too much expectation around Christmas.

Oh gawd! Christmas! I hope there isn’t obvious alcohol in our house this Christmas. Last Christmas Eve Steven got spectacularly drunk on a whole bottle of Limoncello. It kinda fucked up our Christmas. And Christmas is always kind of a fucked up holiday anyway! When I get a partner I’m just having Christmas with her, there’s too many family members involved in our Christmases at my Mom’s. I love my family, but they expect too much of my Mom.

It’s 3:17 in the friggen morning and I am not asleep yet! I got home from Prince Albert just before 1, so I am kind of wired. Mum basically just went straight to bed. She was exhausted. We went for my screening in this two spirited festival up there. My video was the VERY LAST thing of the whole night! People who stayed really liked it, so it seemed. Someone even told me if he had millions of dollars he would give it to me so I could make my tv show.

On the ride home my mom and I threw around some ideas for my television series. I have a really good idea for the character of the narrator. I think it could be funny! Yay! We also went down the road of wondering why I have had such bad luck with Canada Council juries these last three years. I really don’t know. It’s pretty frustrating. I didn’t even get a highly recommended this year, they must have HATED IT! I just want to win the lottery already and not have to depend on the whims of a funding agency. I’ve thought about crowdfunding, but I don’t know if enough people care about my work to make any money. Plus I would need some pretty substantial dollars.

I got a call from my psychiatrist today, we’ve been playing phone tag for the last week. Since my prolactin is elevated, she thinks it is the risperidone and she wants to lower it another milligram. So now the morning dose is out, just a little epival and wellbutrin in the morning and epival, risperidone, and iron at night. Along with my ranitidine twice a day. So we shall see what happens. She asked if I was still not smoking pot and I said yes. She said it was very important that I not smoke any pot otherwise we’ll have to raise my risperidone levels again. My mum laughed about that, she said “You can either smoke pot and be sexless and diabetic, or you can be clean and healthy!” Ha ha ha! It’s true though. My moods have evened out a lot without weed, I was never a good judge about it making me psychotic or not. Although I remember just before I quit I noticed my thoughts would get really out of control while I was high! I was starting to hate it, and I was addicted so I kept needing it, but it was really fucking me up in the head. Whoever thinks pot is harmless is an idiot. It really messes with your brain. ESPECIALLY if you already have a mood disorder. It wasn’t always like that. But it got worse and worse as years went on. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been Bipolar 1 without having smoked marijuana. It’s a big difference from Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is when you go into psychosis, and THAT is a very dangerous space to be in. Not to mention it seems to take forever to recover from.

Mum asked me in the car home what I was going to do my next video about. She said “What are you thinking about these days?” I thought about it, and I guess my sobriety has taken up a lot of my brain space lately. It’s not just about something I USED to do, it’s also about what my life has become since and what I am doing differently now. My psych nurse told me she wanted me to work through my emotions more now. She brought up a good point which was that before I would avoid them by smoking a joint. My risperidone is apparently one of the reasons I can’t really cry, so lowering it might bring back that ability. Which would be nice, actually. My psychic told me the first time I saw her that I have to cry more. It’s really hard!

I used to be able to cry so easy. I feel like I have hardened up since then. Like I don’t WANT to cry because it signals weakness or some nonsense. I know it’s really healthy to cry, it just feels like I can’t get there! When I first quit weed I started feeling all these old emotions, even stuff about my late cousin who died in 2006! BUT I didn’t cry.

I’m tired. I should go to bed. Anyway, yeah, I need to make all these med changes before I go to Toronto. I need to be stable for a good six months before I leave. I am stable now, but we don’t totally know what reducing my antipsychotic will do. I’ll know we have to up it or go on a different one if I start hearing music in white noise even when I have taken my meds. That’s a pretty clear indicator. It’s one of my early warning signs and I’ve been able to note it and still have insight into my condition. Sometimes when you go crazy you stop believing you are crazy or that you have ever been crazy. Everything seems real, even when it’s intensely impossible weird shit. So, watching out!

Today was an okay day. We drove out to Muskoday for a funeral. Uncle Doug and my Mom had a bunch of interesting conversations in the truck. The funeral was super Christian because the cousin who died was born again. It reminded me of how different my mom’s funeral will have to be because she is an atheist. That being said, I want my mom around for a long long time. I’m so close with her.

After the funeral we drove back to town and went straight to a steak night being held to help cover costs of my mom’s student’s son’s funeral that was held this summer. We bought door prize tickets and fifty fifty tickets, but we didn’t win anything. And that was okay really because all the money helps that family out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. I am really excited about the screenwriting MFA program at York. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get accepted. I’d be really sad I think. And I don’t know if I would still move or not. Although I have a strong feeling I will be moving to Toronto.

Little Mister and I went for a walk yesterday, that was really nice. I am gonna take him on another walk tomorrow. I need to get him out of the house more so that Hermione isn’t so sad when he is away from her. They are really going to miss each other when I move away with him. They are best buddies with each other. I think I am going to have to find some little dog friends for Mister in Toronto to have play dates. He’s really shy and snotty of new dogs though, which is why they have to hang out with each other for a while before he will start to play.

I think I would make a good scriptwriter. I could have a lot of fun with it. And sometimes I could direct. It fits the best with me anyway.

I ran into an old friend from my queer youth days, Tara. She was setting up the karaoke system at the bar where the steak night was being held. I gave her my card, hopefully we will go for coffee. It would be super nice if she could introduce me to eligible bachelorette lesbians! I’m trying to circulate more. The astrologer I always read says we should circulate if we are looking for partners, so I am trying! I can’t believe it’s been over five years without a girlfriend. So sucky! I had a couple summer flings with one woman, but now she doesn’t want to talk to me. And it never counted as a relationship anyway. Even though I wanted one with her. She kinda broke my heart. I feel like I am getting over her, although I still miss our friendship, the platonic parts of it. Good friends are hard to find.

My alcoholic roommate isn’t moving out, and isn’t getting much better either. He’s supposed to get into a day program by the end of the month or he is getting kicked out, but I don’t know if there will actually be any follow through, on either his or my mom’s part. He seems to be using the fact that he has a son to stay here, which kinda pisses me off. We’re not running a charity. And he isn’t at all serious about being sober, he still drinks at least once a week. He says he is serious about quitting but I think he only says that so he can stay here. Really I still want him out. Realistically I think the only way I will be able to not live with him is when I move to Toronto next fall. Unless I won the lottery tonight, in which case I will move next month and buy a house there and say a big fuck you to him! And take my dog and cat and live happily ever after. He’s causing a lot of stress in this house and I don’t know why my mom is so wishy washy about the whole damn thing. She used to have a spine, it just disappeared when that damn baby showed up.

Damn babies!

He got drunk last night on a mickey and a bottle of coke. This wouldn’t have bothered me so much except he kept trying to get me to drink his stupid coke and I think it was spiked and he was just trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Such an asshole! I like my sobriety, it’s been really nice to have and I like that I am not wasting money on booze and drugs anymore. He also keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him, which also pisses me off because a) I don’t drink anymore, and b) he is an annoying asshole to drink with because he goes on and on about his emotions and his past history of violence with women and one time while he was drunk he even confessed to killing something. Not a human. But it was still disturbing. I don’t trust him.

Anyway, UGH!

And also part of me is starting to move towards spirituality. I am not sure how it’s going to manifest yet. I don’t see it as a particularly Christian spirituality. Maybe something where Buddhism, Pantheism, and Aboriginal Spirituality all intersect. But either way, I feel like I want to find a spiritual practice. I don’t want to pray, because I don’t believe in prayer. I believe in taking personal action to achieve one’s aims. That being said I am going to be burning a green candle soon for prosperity. Which is pretty witchy and close to a prayer. But anyway, I don’t know what my spirituality is becoming. It’s almost meditative to knit, I like that. Real meditation and me don’t work very well, I haven’t found a way that speaks to me yet. I’m too interested in reading or writing or otherwise being productive. I guess creative output could be a type of spirituality. And maybe reading about Buddhist principles could help too. I have some really good books I could reread to remind myself why I like that religion. Also I am not sure if I want to be solitary in my spirituality or if I need community. A lot of religions are based on community, but I like being alone a lot. Then again, I do want to meet eligible bachelorettes, so maybe going to the Buddhist temple is a good idea after all. Or there is a meditation class at Positive Passions. Hmmm.

I could also get back into Yoga. I got a mat. I could buy some of the other things too, the blocks and stuff. There is a yoga show that comes on television every morning, I just haven’t gotten up that early. Getting up early might be a good idea. I’m such a night owl though. I really like writing early early early in the morning, before drifting off into a sweet sleep. Like now.

Anyway, this year has really been about finding balance. I’m not there yet. But I am working on it!

Tonight I watched television and knitted. I got a whole bunch more done. I think I can finish my scarf in a couple weeks or less if I really work on it. It’s really nice to knit again, so meditative! I get in this zone and listen to what’s on tv. Actually, maybe I should start listening to podcasts and knitting. I have a bunch of Coast To Coast AM I can listen to while I knit. That would be fun.

I wrote down that list of 100 things in 20 minutes. It actually took me about 26 minutes. A few were places I want to travel. A few were things I wanted to buy. A lot were about making feature films and television shows. And winning awards from them. One was wanting to have a retrospective in a major gallery. And a few were about wanting to fall in love and get married. I didn’t have kids on there, I mean, I didn’t say I wanted kids. I guess it’s not a very high priority with me. I feel like if I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who wanted kids I could adjust, but if I had my druthers I think I would prefer to remain childless. My dog and cat are good enough for me! They are both curled up beside me snoozing. Little sweeties.

I am supposed to find a serious relationship next month or the month after, but I am not sure with who. I often worry there is nobody in town for me. And I am leaving anyway. And there aren’t many people on OK Cupid that I am interested in. Everyone seems to drink or be stupid in various ways. Or be poly, and I am so over that. And there are hardly any femme lesbians in my town on OK Cupid, maybe none! At least, none that show up in my matches. And there are a bunch with no pictures and so of course I cross those people off. Whatever. I don’t know why I want a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I have lost perspective on the whole thing. Being single for this long has really atrophied my desire.

Actually, I have noticed I get horny most often in my sleep. I often wake up wanting to masturbate but still being too tired to really get off. It’s kind of funny. I have horny dreams, but they are all about masturbating. I had a dream I was masturbating with a hammer. Not like, hammering myself! Just rocking on it. And then it magically turning into a cell phone! So weird! Anyway, my psychiatrist sent me off for blood tests to find out if my psych meds were raising my prolactin levels too high, which would account for the loss in libido, and the results came back saying YES they are too high. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks and then I guess we will come up with some sort of solution to resolve this issue. It really does frustrate me because I miss being horny on a more regular basis. It adds a certain delightful dimension to life that is currently lacking.

It’s hard to want something that you don’t care about. I want to care about desire again, I just DON’T! UGH! So annoying.

I think I knitted for three and a half hours today. I’m really impressed with myself.

I’m going to a funeral tomorrow for, a cousin I guess? I didn’t know her. But my mom and uncle are going so I am too. And then I am going to a steak night for a friend of my mom’s whose son died this summer. I only realized just now that both of these events are tied to death.

Next week I have a screening in Prince Albert for Boi Oh Boi! I am going up with my Mom and Deanna. We are going to try and get our secure status cards while we are there. They have all these fancy features on them! Yay!

I’m tired. I guess that is what happens when you stay up late watching tv and knitting. We rented Snow White And The Huntsman. It was alright. The evil stepmom was so evil! I wasn’t attracted to either of them though, none of them were my type! And as I said before I have next to no libido anyway.

Anyway, I’m off to bed. Maybe I will get horny in my sleep again!