I started knitting again today. I got a good inch done on my scarf, starting out slow and sweet. I am going to do an hour of knitting every day until this damn thing is DONE! Then I will finally have a scarf! Yay! It’s almost halfway done. I worked a lot on it last winter, then I gave up for a while. But I always kept it around! And Mom got me a knitting bag this summer at a garage sale! So I finally have something good to keep it in!

I am trying really hard to work on personal development. I made major strides in my life when I quit weed, and then drinking. For instance, I got my drivers license after I quit smoking up, and I started driving everywhere when I quit drinking. Because now I have no excuse not to drive. I’m not inebriated anymore. So driving is totally okay. It’s pretty awesome. But now I feel like I have plateaued, and I need to continue this upward trajectory. I grew pumpkins this summer, that was fun. We have ten of them! They aren’t massively big, but they are a decent enough size. Definitely big enough for pies and jack o’lanterns. They still need to turn orange, except for one that turned orange really early on. I read up on how to encourage them, one of the things they suggested was trimming the leaves around them so that they get more sun, so I did that today.

Anyway, gardening was a nice thing to do. Watching them progress. This evening I also finally harvested some wild sage that grew in our front garden. I bundled it up into a smudge and I’m drying it out. It smells really good! I feel like I need to do some spiritual things around the fact that there are clearly spirits attached to me, considering how often things move around on their own when I am in the room. I’ve seen plants move like something brushed by them, I’ve seen belts hanging up swing back and forth, I’ve seen my suitcase get disturbed like an animal is investigating it and tips it over, I’ve heard rustling where there shouldn’t be anything. It doesn’t scare me like it used to. I generally do not get negative vibes from the beings hanging around me. I feel like they just want to visit. I don’t know who they are, but I do know a number of people who have passed on. Carla Marie Powers, Jasmine Turner, Christopher Cuthand, Matthew O’Scienny. I feel like all of those people have moved on and found peace, but I can imagine it’s possible for them to come back to visit. I don’t know why they would. Some of them I feel would want to come see me more than others though. I could see Jasmine coming back, we were pretty close.

Anyway, I feel like I need to burn sage for them. And so having another smudge finally feels good. Something anyway. I was thinking of getting some incense too. Spirits like smells.

I’m trying to figure out other ways I could grow. I feel different now that I am not putting substances in my body, except for caffeine and nicotine. But I don’t want to give up caffeine yet. Anyway, I feel more like myself. Like the booze and drugs were making me someone else, and also drawing in bad spirits to me. Negative energies. And now there’s a chance for positive energies to reach me. But there must be something else. Something I could really love. I love writing, I’m trying to do it more. I bought Final Draft software a while ago but I haven’t used it too much. National Novel Writing Month is happening again soon. I might try again this year. There’s a really good piece of software for writing novels specifically called Scribe or something like that, I might get it and try it this time.

I was reading on this personal development website about how being self employed is way better than having a JOB job. It really spoke to me and made me more determined to stay on my path I am on. I also like the idea of getting creative royalties, passive income it is called. It would be nice to just make money continuously.

I didn’t make my sweet potato pie yet! Yikes! I read this other good advice for changing your life where you take 20 minutes and write out 100 things you want to do, no matter how crazy or unrealistic they may seem. And then at the end you put it away for a day and then look at it again and see how you can make some or all of those things happen. So I might do that tomorrow, I am too tired tonight.

It’s been an interesting few years. It seems that the big changes really happened for me this year though, which is kind of funny because there were all these people thinking 2012 would be the end of the world. I really just think that it opened up space for me to fundamentally change who I am. But now that I have sobered up, I feel like there needs to be something else to fill that space in my life. I’m not sure what. Meditation? Exercise? It would have to be something I find fun! I have to look at that. Cooking is fun because you can eat what you make. Knitting is fun because you can wear what you make. Clearly I like being productive. That’s a clue. It’s another reason I like writing, because I can go back and reread things and sometimes use things to make videos, which is my other favorite thing to do. Maybe I really need to make a festival or something here. It’s a little hard since I am moving away in a little under a year anyway.

I’m really liking having tea or coffee with my friends and visiting, it’s super fun. Conversations with folks are always good, I like getting into my feelings and stuff. I was a bad conversationalist when I was a stoner. I didn’t really care about anything. I was so unmotivated.

I still can’t believe that one ex said I have no ambition. I’ve always had ambition. It doesn’t mean I get funding, but the desire is there. I still have to ask the Canada Council why I didn’t get my grant. If they say it’s because my support material is too old I will flip out! My newer stuff isn’t in the same vein as the work I want to do, it’s experimental and doesn’t have actors, just me. And another time they didn’t give me the money because my support material wasn’t like what I want to do. I think juries hate me.

It’s getting colder here. I’m waiting for a frost to kill my pumpkin plants so I can harvest them. Today I was going to make Chilean Empanadas but we didn’t have enough flour for the dough. I went fishing with a couple of friends who moved to town, that was fun! We went down to the river. Didn’t catch anything, but that was okay.

I had a dream recently that I was thinking about an ex and ended up crying because she dumped me when I went crazy. It was such a bummer dream! Stupid ex. Anyway, oh, and I also keep dreaming about masturbating, which is kind of funny. Because that’s something I’m not doing much of these days.

I am feeling much more sure about my future, even though I won’t know for sure I am in Grad school until April. I guess I just feel like I can take my life in a slightly different direction. It would be nice to write scripts and get them produced. I don’t know what kind of living I would make though. I suppose I could be a sessional too. A little bit of everything.

I’m in a show in Prince Albert this month, that will be kind of fun. Maybe I will meet a cutie pie! I have decided that I am going to buy sealing wax and a custom dachshund seal for my future love letters I will write to my future girlfriend! Yay!

A few days later:

It’s Saturday now. I drove my Cuz Deanna around for a few hours tonight, it was super fun! We drove all around town, not so much on the west side, we just went along Spadina almost out of town and also through Downtown. We went to Diefenbaker and Stonebridge and 8th Street and Sutherland and it was super fun. I wiped out on the patio under her apartment and scraped my knee and a little bit of my hand. It hurt! Owiya!

My Mum thinks I shouldn’t take Mister with me when I move to Toronto, she thinks he needs to be with his pack. But I need him! He keeps me sane! She is worried he will be responsible for me losing my housing, with his barking and bathroom issues. I am going to have to work on him. I need to read up on dog psychology. We have almost no carpeting left in the house because he kept peeing. Damn! Anyway, I AM worried about the peeing thing. I am going to start crate training him. He needs to be in a place where he feels safe and doesn’t need to be on guard watching the house. I don’t want him to cry for me either. Poor little sod. If I could have it my way he would come with me everywhere. But he’s not a real service dog, so he can’t. He does really like Mom’s dogs, but he also misses me a lot when I am gone. He loves me the best out of everyone.

I really have to start working on my scholarly paper about lesbian spectatorship and subtext in mainstream television. I’ve decided to focus on television, because that’s really where a lot of the shippers turn to. I want to include a little bit about Marceline/Princess Bubblegum because there is some lesbian subtext in Adventure Time. I need to see more episodes! So far I have watched all the way to almost the middle of Season Three. We don’t have Cartoon Network here so I can’t see new ones. I’ve got to start watching my Star Trek Voyagers again too I guess, I taped all the ones that have subtext in them. They are in a box somewhere! I also wanted to talk about slashy fan fic and the creation of alternate narratives as an extension of lesbian spectatorship. I had better start sourcing some academic writings to back up my points. There’s tons written about it, I just have to find it.

So, dog training, academic writing, blah de blah. I am busy with all of that. I am also trying to go through this blog to pull out essays for a book. It’s been kind of funny, because my writing style is so weird and sometimes I make good points and sometimes I write like I am picking my nose. At least that is how it feels to me.

I am going for coffee with my old gym buddy tomorrow, and in the afternoon I am going to try and make Sweet Potato Pie, if I can. I really want to. I love Sweet Potato Pie. I think I will name my daughter Sweet Potato. Either that or I will start calling Little Mister “Sweet Potato Man!”

After a long period of thought and consideration, I have decided to apply to York after all, but not for Film Production, I am going to apply for Screenwriting. It’s supposedly the only MFA in screenwriting in Canada! I’ve been looking in to what to do about this one semester I got all F’s! It was because I basically just ran away from school and didn’t do any work because I was starting to go crazy, and then I dropped out and moved to Montreal, where I ended up in a psych ward. BLAH! Anyway, it’s really impacted all the other times I have applied to Masters programs, and I think it’s booted me out of being seriously considered for their programs. Luckily, York has a modified admissions process for people with mental health disabilities. I can write 500 words about my disability and how it impacted my grades, and include a letter from my psychiatrist. And so hopefully they will look at my grades outside of that one bad semester, because I did get good grades otherwise.

Anyway, as part of the screenwriting portfolio they want to see a feature screenplay, so I am going to include Bunnyhug! And for my thesis I can either write a feature or a television series. I’m thinking I am going to write a television series! I have the idea for it already! I’ve actually been thinking about this idea for a long time. It’s gonna be a comedy.

The reason I think I would do better in the screenwriting program is because I really like writing and I think I would have more fun honing my ability to tell a story than just learning how to make a film. They also have some production classes you can take in the screenwriting program anyway. And some Cinema and Media Studies classes. I think it would be a better fit with me.

Anyway, that is what I have been thinking about. I bought some sweet potatoes today, gonna make a pie! I’ve never made a sweet potato pie before, but I discovered I really like them, so I want to learn! I’m totally getting domestic these days! I ate some of my homemade freezer jam tonight, which was nice. Totally sucks how runny it is tho!

I’m doing alright with my sobriety from pot and drinking. It’s almost eight months for being weed free. And it will be four months or something without booze on the 18th. I should look into when I quit. Was it may? I have it on my facebook. I’m still struggling with quitting smoking, that seems to be the hardest one to quit. It’s pretty addictive, more so than the other ones I think.

So anyway, for my masters application, which is due in January, I have to get a scholarly article written, a portfolio of my videos, and a writing portfolio. I also need transcripts, a letter from my doctor, a statement of interest, and that 500 words about my disability. I’m going to apply for some scholarships and bursaries too. I will hopefully get something.

I’m just worried about moving to Toronto. I’ll need money to move, I’ll have to get a new iPhone because this one is locked to Sasktel, I’ll have to get my dog properly housetrained so he doesn’t pee on rugs, and I’ll have to find a decent place to live that isn’t crazy expensive, but is also in a nice neighborhood. I’m worried I won’t have enough money to live out there. I don’t know how much Little Pine pays for living allowance these days, but I am sure it’s not much, and my family can’t afford to support me this time. I might have to get a part time job or something. We’ll see what happens. A company I used to work for in Vancouver has another office in Toronto, I might be able to work there. It’s call centre work, blah! But that might be okay if it gets me a little bit of money to get through school for two years. And in my second year I can be a TA and make a little bit of money doing that. I think they get paid anyway.

My psychic told me in my first reading I had with her that I would move to Toronto, so it does seem likely that I will end up there. Just with the cultural events there alone there is so much happening. That would be really nice to be around, again. I do miss big city living sometimes.

I’ll miss my mom a lot though. We’re really close. It’s been nice living in the same city these last few years. And it’s been nice seeing my sister so much and my grandparents, I will miss that too! But I feel like I have some kind of destiny I have to fulfill.

I’m doing better these days. I got out of my funk, which is really good. In fact I’ve been almost chipper. I bought strawberries from the Strawberry Ranch and made Freezer Jam. For a first attempt at jam it is pretty good, except for some reason the pectin didn’t set right so it’s really runny. I’m not sure how to fix that. It’s too late now anyway.

I have been working both at my business and picking up needles. It’s been nice making money.

I am getting over my last unrequited love, so that’s good. I’m not quite so hurt by it and I am more open to meeting someone new. The only problem is, I don’t know where to meet someone. I’m really worried I have no options for a girlfriend in this town. They would have to be a pretty spectacular person. So that worries me, because I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t think highly of. I’m fairly picky. And I’m aware I have to get even PICKIER because like my psychic and my mom both say, in the past I’ve been attracted to people with fairly large mean streaks. My psychic actually said I shouldn’t date someone who’s like a bad dog who’s gonna suddenly rip my throat out one day! She said I look at people and see their potential, and I have to stop that and see them for who they are. She also said I have to align my softhearted inner self with my outer self which comes across very differently.

I have also been giving something a lot of thought for a few years now. I am ready to give up trying to be polyamorous. I can’t do it properly. I can only focus on one partner at a time, and in the past that partner has always gotten pissed off that I don’t have other partners too, because THEY do! In truth, I think the only reason I have been polyamorous in all my other relationships is because of peer pressure, and I don’t think that’s a good reason to be poly. So I have decided my next relationship must be monogamous. And I don’t know what that means for me. I mean, what if it means no one will want to date me because I’m into monogamy? People act like you are really uncool if you want monogamy, and they start spouting off things about how it’s all about ownership and blah blah blah. I’m tired of it. I just want to find a nice girlfriend who treats me good and doesn’t want to sleep around with scads of other people and is willing to explore all kinds of sex with me. I’m interested in doing A LOT of things that I just haven’t done with other lovers, and I think it would be better to do them with one person because then you can really discover things about them and what they like and all that.

In short, I think monogamy might be more in line with my softhearted inner value system and be less harmful to my heart. I never liked seeing my lovers with other lovers, so damned awkward! And I never liked the feeling of never being satisfied, always having to keep looking for lovers even when I had a perfectly good one already. I’d be quite content with one girlfriend. And it would be nice to have my girlfriend only focused on me as a lover, and no one else. I’m selfish, I want all the loving time to be with me. I mean, I’m quite independent, and I would hope my next girlfriend is too. I like alone time, and time to just be with my friends, but I’d like that loving energy to just be between me and one other person. It would be less complicated. Also, I think a lot of people are just crap at polyamory. It seems to rarely be done in respectful ways.

I think I was just polyamorous because after I would sleep with someone the first time, I would find out THEY were poly, and so then I had to be poly if I wanted to keep sleeping with them. It’s really bad. THIS TIME I am going to ask upfront, no sleeping with someone then getting attached and then settling for a situation I’m really not comfortable with.

Sometimes I worry love isn’t what people are looking for anymore, they are just looking for sex with as many people as possible. Tonight there was this funny conversation with the friends I was hanging out with about trying to have casual sex properly, and I realized casual sex just isn’t enough for me. I don’t want to be someone’s booty call. And I was never good at casual sex anyway because I DO get attached after having sex, SO EASY! And I have often had sex WAY TOO SOON! Without even learning enough about what kind of person I was having sex with, what they wanted, what their values were, etc etc. And then I would end up forming relationships with women who really weren’t able to give me what I want or deserve. AND what’s worse is I wouldn’t dare demand more!

So that’s all very interesting. I have to break this cycle!

In other news, well, not much really. I’m trying to circulate more. I really don’t know where I’m going to meet an appropriate girlfriend. I tried with OK Cupid but everyone’s like, a polyamorous bisexual. Also, I am trying to stick with lesbians for a while. I’m kind of wore out from dating bisexuals. Almost all my girlfriends have identified as bisexual while I was dating them (a couple ended up being lesbians later) and I’m just tired of competing with penises. Penises make babies and I can’t knock up my girlfriend. And truthfully, it does seem a lot of bisexual women are more interested in men or take their relationships with men more seriously. Is it heteronormativity? I don’t know, I just know I am going to get in a lot of shit for saying that about bisexual women. Even just in my family, the bisexual women have outright said they would prefer to settle down with men than women, which I find really sad.

My Mum thinks the problem is I want to date Femmes, but I think it’s more the poly bi thing that has been the issue. There ARE Femme lesbians, I know enough of them. Just I don’t know many in Saskatoon, and none that are single. I could date a Butch though, some Butch on Butch action would be fun. One of my best girlfriends was Butch. Oh well, who knows what will happen? Only my psychic knows for sure!

I saw this cute girl on Facebook who was a friend of a friend so me and said friend creeped her facebook and I was trying to figure out how old she was. She didn’t list her birth year though. BUT she did list her grad year from high school. 2005!!! JESUS CHRIST! I was graduating from university in 2005, and that was after dropping out for three years! So nope, too young! I like women my own age, I’m starting to become an old fuddy duddy and I need someone who would be happy hanging out at home with the animals and making pies and stuff.

Anyway, that’s enough of this! If you know anyone in Saskatoon who meets all the above criteria, please send them my way!

I’m getting depressed and I don’t know why. Maybe because I talked with my depressed cousin all night. Maybe because my friend doesn’t want to talk to me for now and it upsets me. Maybe because my mom left for Charlottetown today and won’t be back until Sunday. Maybe because I have work in the morning. Maybe because I am having a breakthrough depression. I’m not sure.

All I know is things feel very bleak right now. I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I’m aware this is a constant feeling this time of year, because this is the third year in a row I have been waiting for Canada Council letters to come in the mail and the last two years I was counting on getting my grants and instead ended up broke and not sure where my next pay cheque was coming from. So bleak! Although I do have some work coming in this year, and I am not counting on my grant this time for money, because even if I do get it I won’t get my money until January or February since that is when my project starts. So I have to find a way to survive even if I do get it.

I am also sad about needing to get over my unrequited love. It was nice to be in unrequited love even if nothing was going to happen, but right now I am aware that in order for my friendship to get back on track I have to concentrate on getting over her. And it’s just easier to get over someone if you have ANOTHER crush, but I don’t. So I don’t have anyone to daydream about. No one to imagine holding me when I am falling asleep at night. Nothin! And it’s hard to move on when the future is a big black void. I think that’s why all my unrequited loves have lasted so long, because it was just easier than trying really hard to find someone else to be crushed out about. So I am bummed out about that.

I am lonely these days because I realize so many of my friends were drinking buddies, and now that I don’t drink they aren’t as interested in hanging around with me. It’s depressing. I haven’t gone to the gay bar since I quit drinking. I went out with my little cousin last night and she was drinking a bottle of wine and flitting about and it made me realize that being around people who are intent on getting drunk is really boring. Drunk people are boring! Stoned people are pretty boring too, come to think of it. My partying days are so over. And it’s left a void, and as much as I am glad I am not using or drinking anymore, I also haven’t filled that void with anything meaningful. I could do what I’ve been talking about for years and concentrate on my career. I know I could get far. It would probably also solve this ongoing money issue in my life. I have a lot I have to work on. I’m the worst procrastinator ever. I need to get my new videos to my distributor, for instance. That would help a lot.

Anyway, I need to do things with my life, I thought grad school was a good idea, but I don’t know if I can afford to live in Toronto. And York is really out of the way. Aw fuck! I don’t know what to do. I’m not entirely sure of my motivation to go to Grad School either. It would let me teach, which is awesome, except that I don’t think I really want to teach and there is such a glut of sessionals anyway. Really I just want to make movies. If I could do what I REALLY want to do, I would just make movies and curate the odd single channel program, and that’s about it. I would change my business of editing films into a film production company and produce my own work. I’d become a creative powerhouse and always be writing and shooting and editing and going for creative thinking walks in the early evenings. That’s what I would really do. And it would make me happy. And I could see the world by going to a bunch of premieres and festivals and stuff. I’d be content with my life.

My psychic seems to think it is possible. That makes me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot of skills I have to master if I want to make feature films for a living. And probably moving from Saskatoon is a good idea, since the film tax credit got killed by our right wing provincial government. I just hate the idea of moving away from my Mom again. I really like my Mom. She’s so supportive and makes me feel better. She’s away. I miss her and she only left at four.

I am still depressed, I thought I might feel better after writing my thoughts but I don’t. I miss my friend. And I miss my mom. And I miss having a solid five year plan. I don’t have a five year plan these days. My psychic said I would get into my next relationship in September or October, but it would have to be with someone I haven’t met yet because I can’t think of anyone I know that I am interested in. And I don’t know WHERE I will meet this mysterious woman. Madonna was right, life is a mystery.

I want to get out of this slump. I don’t know what to do about it. Mum’s depressed too, maybe it’s rubbing off on me.

There are still unknown factors which could come into play. One, which is very distant and unlikely to happen, is that we win the lottery. The other is that I get my grant and have work for basically a year. Which in turn could possibly mean that I can get a major distribution deal with my film and get a bunch of money. And if not, well maybe I will sell a bunch of DVD’s. And who knows, if I make a really good film maybe someone will offer me more money to make another. It’s all unknown!

Well, they know at the Canada Council.

I wonder if I will hear tomorrow.

I am glad my concurrent disorders group is this Friday, I need to do some talkin’! I think I should also make an appointment with my addictions counselor. There’s an NA meeting on Saturday night. Maybe I could go. I need to talk to a professional though. It would be nice to talk to my psych nurse. We have an appointment coming up. Yay!

She would know if my change in risperidone was making me depressed or if it was situational. I wish I had a manual. What to do now that you are noticing you are getting depressed! I can tell it’s getting serious because I’m starting to lose interest in doing things I have to do. I want to hibernate until it’s over. But the show must go on!

Life is a little less stressed in my house because I got paid so I paid my rent and gave Mum an extra 200 bucks so she could pay the water and electricity bill, which is gonna get cut off on the 20th if it isn’t paid. It’s started! I am starting to be responsible for making money around here! I need to make a bunch more because I still have to pay my phone bill and buy a new phone. And then pay September rent. I might have some more work coming in, and some other work maybe, I have to get in touch with some people who were interested in having me help them make videos.

I’ve been reconsidering grad school. It really depends. I am still going to apply, but part of me feels responsible for keeping mom afloat, she has a mortgage and all kinds of things she has to keep up with. I really don’t know what to do. I’d feel guilty if I just buggered off to be a poor student for two years. If she got her two year grant, I would feel less guilty. Then I would know she was guaranteed to have an income for a while. It’s just she’s so poor! It makes me worry a lot.

I bought lottery tickets today, my typical routine so I can dream about an end to our poverty problems. It would be really nice to get that 50 million! I know we most likely won’t win. I’ll have to get rich on my charm and talent!

I still haven’t heard about my Canada Council grant. I heard last year on August 10th, and it’s well past that now. Well, it was the 10th on Friday anyway. So really, any day I could hear. I know no one else has heard because I haven’t seen anyone post about getting or not getting their grants. I’m not super counting on it, because I wouldn’t have the money until January/February anyway so I still need to make a living in the meantime. But it would be really nice to be able to start planning a big shoot for next summer.

I haven’t found anyone else I want to go on a date with from OK Cupid. That’s alright. I should concentrate on other things anyway. Some people get so desperate when they don’t have a partner that they end up in bad relationships just to avoid being alone. That’s not me. I’m willing to hold out for someone good. It would just be nice to have a new crush I guess, since my last unrequited love thing turned out so badly. Then at least I could tell my friend “I have a crush!” when she finally gets in touch with me to find out if we can be friendly friends again. I miss her. Dammit.

I’m renting my cousin’s cell phone for the rest of the month while she is on a cruise. I’m excited to have a phone again for a while. I really miss my iPhone! Oy! Soon it will be a month that I have been without a phone! Jeepers! And that’s my business line! 🙁 Sucks to be me!

I have to pay some money for an ad I placed. I didn’t get any calls from it, but at least I placed an ad. I should find another place to place an ad. I should place an ad in Kijiji. Running my own business is stressful.

I’m needing to listen to my psychic reading again. I’m happy because tomorrow I will get to see my cousin Sharlene before she goes off on her two week cruise! Yay!

Today I bought my first ever Diva Cup. I hope it works well! I just had my period, so it will be a while before I get to try it. My mom thinks I should practice putting it in. But I don’t want to be all dry trying to stick it up there! And I feel goofy lubin’ it up!

Mum’s depressed about money. We need a miracle. I have to keep getting work I guess. We can’t count on the damned lottery! Although I admit, it is kinda fun buying tickets for the big jackpots. I like having a fantasy rich person life in my head. The house I would buy, my car, paying debts, giving to charity, making a movie, solving problems, being amazing and traveling all kinds of places seeing and doing all kinds of things! The social/interpersonal problems that would crop up freak me out though, like all my friends wanting money and stuff, getting taken advantage of, blah blah blah! That’d suck. Being a target of unscrupulous people. Yucky! But being able to arrange and pay for better care for my grandparents, that would be sweet. Being able to send my cousin to three month treatment, that would be nice. And being able to support queer film festivals would rock too! I think being sober would help a lot, I wouldn’t burn through my money doing drugs and drinking, that’s for sure! I didn’t spend a lot of money in Europe when I was there, because I wasn’t drinking!

Sobriety is still ticking along pretty well, and I have decided tomorrow I am going to quit cigarettes again. I’ve been sick and when I was smoking outside the blood flow in my brain was being gooshy and weird throbby. Like I was gonna have a stroke! Not very pleasant. So it’s time to quit!

There’s a severe thunderstorm here right now! Exciting!

I love thunderstorms.

A secret about construction equipment: One key works for all of them. ALL OF THEM!

:O

Anyway, I got sick Thursday evening with achey bones, and by Friday morning I was sniffling and shivering and sweaty and sometimes feverish. It was pretty godawful. This morning I was doing better, then I got sickly again, and now I am feeling pretty decent.

I keep getting horny in my sleep and wanting to masturbate, but I’m too sleepy to get to my vibrator and jerk off. So I just go back to sleep. I hadn’t actually masturbated until today since I was in Hamburg, kinda crazy!

************A few days later*************

I am trying to keep up with my life and blog and it’s not working well. Anyways, where was I?

Well, I have recovered more or less from my illness. It was a pretty bad one. I’m glad my immune system is generally pretty awesome, because I feel so miserable when I am sick.

I am feeling slightly better about my friend deciding not to talk to me for a while. I can respect her decision. I am still sad about our friendship getting fucked up. And I hope someday it goes back to normal. But I understand why she thought I was too much. It’s a depressing reaction to my emotions though. Kind of a kick in the heart.

I’m busy working digitizing videos. I keep falling asleep in the afternoons though. I had a dream this afternoon that I was stuck in Superstore looking for the cans of ice tea because I wanted two cans of ice tea and one can of cola and one can of something else. But every time I thought I found the ice tea it would turn out to be a tube of espresso. Also there was something about me stealing a bunch of beads from this container left in a display case that was made by my cousin Deanna.

I want to go camping. It has been a while since I have gone.

I went on this really weird date yesterday! It lasted only an HOUR! An HOUR! And we walked around the Fringe and she looked at jewellery and barely talked to me, so we really didn’t get to know each other. Super awkward! I don’t think there will be a second date. It would be more awkwardness. I don’t know what she had against me, I suspect she suspected that I was living with my mom, which would be true but is a stupid reason to not like me. It’s okay, I wasn’t too into her. But anyway, living with my mom has become this weird thing, like I need to find someone who isn’t judgey of it! My Mum’s poor, I’m poor, it makes economical sense for us to live together right now.

I’m a little worried about how we are going to survive through the fall. We’re really poor and Mum didn’t get her artist residency, so she’s just teaching one class this fall and that’s ALL her income! :O It’s scary scary! I’m worried. I really hope my business keeps getting work. I have work right now, which is awesome, I hope it pans out.

I don’t know who my next girlfriend will be. I have NO CLUE! I guess that’s not important right now, what’s important is making money. I need to pay my rent still, and my phone bill, and buy a new phone. URG! I’m so broke. I just need to work really hard. PLUS I will be making money picking up needles until October, so that’s good. That’s like, 300 bucks a month, which as my Mum says is better than a poke in the eye.

I was looking at jobs online. But it’s kind of ridiculous for me to get a job right now when my business is starting to take off. And I do already have that one job. So yeah. Dakota Dunes is hiring slot attendants though. I’m tempted to apply again, I would have gotten the job last time except I didn’t have enough references. It’s supposed to make AMAZING tips! But I dunno, I think I’m gonna keep working at this business, my psychic seems really optimistic about my self employment thing. So yeah.

I should make a list of things I need to do. I do that about every couple of months.

Wednesday I see my psychiatrist, we are going to cut down my risperidone by one milligram. I hope it’s okay! I don’t want to go crazy again! But one milligram shouldn’t make too big of a difference, and all my other meds will stay the same. I think my sex drive is still low. I guess that doesn’t matter if I don’t have a girlfriend anyway, but dammit I want to masturbate more! And it’s like I don’t care! :O So I will talk to her about that too. I don’t know if it’s age or my meds. But I’m only 34, I’m in my baby making age! I should be horny!

I just spent two hours looking for jobs my mom could do. I found a focus group for her that pays 175. That’s not much. But it’s something! It’s just she is so specialized, she has an MFA! That’s like, for teaching university students! And the University of Saskatchewan has such a racist art department that they won’t hire First Nations people to teach anything but Aboriginal Art History. So that’s that. Oh man! If only we could all move somewhere! But we can’t leave Grandma and Grandpa. I mean, I guess I am leaving, but Mum can’t leave. It sucks! This whole situation sucks.

If I can just get enough work I could keep us alive! It’s my only hope! 🙁

Well, I am back in Canada, so I will probably blog a lot more again. My flight back was good, the only scary part was the flight into Saskatoon when we hit mega turbulence. My screening in Hamburg went really well! People liked it. My time in Berlin was good too, I lost my iPhone though, which totally bummed me out! I lost it the Saturday before I left. I suspect on the UBahn.

I did see the friend I had wanted to confess my feelings too, but it all went to shit! 🙁 I was really awkward and told her I loved her, and then she said I love you too but she meant as a friend. And then I told her I wanted to kiss her still and she said we are just friends, sorry. And then I felt really awkward but I was letting it go. And then I thought it was okay, but when I got back home to Canada I got a message from her on facebook that she felt weird and that I was too much and she thought we should get some distance from each other and I felt really shitty for having feelings. And then she put me on her restricted list on facebook so I can’t see much of her profile anymore. I was trying to put her on restricted too, but I couldn’t figure it out and then I felt stupid and like, why would I do that anyway? So I am bummed out. And I do feel shitty for having feelings, which isn’t very nice. Oddly enough it is helping me get over her because I don’t want to love someone who makes me feel badly for having feelings. So I feel pretty crappy. I hadn’t wanted to fuck up our friendship and now I have and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t do anything about it because she wants us to not talk until she gets in touch with me at some point in the future. When she stops feeling weird.

So I feel like my feelings are icky. UGH! What a shitty feeling. I hope I never made my friends who were in unrequited love with me feel this badly about it. I’ve fallen in unrequited love before, so it’s not a new thing, but this messing up a friendship is totally new, I’ve never managed to do that before!

I AM glad though that I can move on now and find someone else. My cousin Deanna told me not to feel bad for being true to myself and that I don’t have to apologize for telling someone how I feel. She is wise that Deanna! Anyway, I wouldn’t ordinarily write about it on here, but I figure since I did write about WANTING to confess my feelings, I should let my readers know what happened in the end. So that’s what happened. True story!

I’ve been in a foul mood ever since. Not Kicking Puppies foul, but just being crabby and ornery. I’m trying not to take it out on the people around me. But I can’t help feeling gross, like I grossed her out! So that is sad. And she was a really good friend too. So it’s distressing.

My psychic says I am supposed to get into my next serious relationship in September or October. I am looking forward to that. I have no idea who it will be. My future date in Regina ended up dating a dude again, so that’s not gonna happen. Maybe I will meet someone entirely new. It’s coming up pretty quick. She says it should have already happened though. Who is it??? So curious! I hope they live in Saskatoon and aren’t prejudiced against intergenerational households!

And now for something boring: I went to the dentist today! I got my teeth cleaned and it HURT SO MUCH and she went under the gums to get out calculus or whatever the hell it is called. I don’t think it’s called calculus is it? That’s a type of arithmetic. And this thing she used gave off a high pitched squealing noise and freaked me out! It went right down my neck and made me squirm! So I have to go back on the 2nd for more cleaning, and a filling! Sigh!

I’ve been having the best sleeps since I got home, I fall asleep right away! Well, except for last night after I got the message from my friend and found out I was restricted. I kind of lay awake for a while fretting and feeling bad. But I saw tiny lights in the room sort of flying around. Spirits I guess. One was small and green, and swooped up from the pillow into the air. They seemed friendly. I hadn’t seen or heard any spirits in Germany, so I guess they like to hang around on Canadian soil. There are a lot of them here. I felt like they were checking in on me to make sure I was okay. Which was really nice. I do know a lot of dead people. Apparently they don’t like being called dead people though.

It’s cold out here. I am sitting in the sun porch. My hair is greezy! I should wash it. I have no clue what the future will bring anymore. Maybe I should listen to my psychic reading again. I hope my friend and I make up. I don’t know how long she’s going to avoid me. :/ I hope this doesn’t end up making me avoid telling people I love them when I do. It seems to be a harsh penalty to pay.

I have been having the craziest dreams. I’m not sure why. I think it might be because I have stopped using everything. Last night I dreamt my sister Sky and I were dressed like cakes with yellow icing because “Yellow is the colour of sisters!” The night before that I dreamt I was desperately searching amongst my friends for a girlfriend, and I couldn’t find anyone because they were all with other people, meanwhile I was in this lavish building during a party of some kind and I knew I was going to have a good life, and there was this magical lighthouse you could see through the window that was giant and spewed bursts of fire and black birds were flying out of the fire without being burned. And the night before that I dreamt I was going to Emily Carr again but to get there I had to climb a tall grassy cliff, and I managed to do it! Then I was driving my mom home and all these police and people in hazardous materials outfits were milling around our house and I asked mum what they were doing there and she said it was because someone asked her what she was living on and she said she was running a meth lab! And then the LAST part of that dream I was friends with Nicole Kidman and we kept acting out scenes with each other (no, not BDSM scenes, just film scenes) and then one day I got really mad at her for some reason and choked her and then she wouldn’t trust me ever again and THEN I gave her baby dog cookies and she got really pissed off.

I don’t know why I am having such intense dreams. I guess my subconscious is processing a lot of things. It’s a nice trade off, to quit mind altering substances and still have the chance to experience mind altering dreams! I really like the visuals I am getting too. Sometimes my dreams are a bit disturbing, but then I am just glad to wake up and say “Whew! It was only a dream!”

Sometimes dreams mean something, but I think sometimes it’s just weird shit! No meaning at all, just bizarre stories. The dreams that frustrate me the most are the ones for which there is no language to describe them, at least not in English. I’ll want to articulate them but I can’t, and because I can’t describe them, I forget them! Those ones always seem the most magical too, which is a shame that they are indescribable.

I think I can tell when a dream has meaning. Sometimes it takes me a while to find out the meaning. For a while I was having dreams about pulling broken glass out of my mouth, not eating glass, just suddenly FINDING it there! And it was a recurring dream so I knew it has something profound behind it. Then I found out my late Grandfather used to chew glass when he was in the military to seem really tough! It was just him saying hello to me. What was really remarkable about that was it was a piece of information I didn’t have before the dreams started.

That dream about the black horse seemed pretty profound too.

The meth lab one seems pretty silly though. Which is why I say some of my dreams are just weird shit!

Well I will be running out of money soon, so I have to start working quick when I get home. I am hoping to stretch out my dollarz until the end of my Berlin holiday, I guess we will see what happens! I am almost done my video! 😀 So awesome! I’m pretty pleased about that. Mum doesn’t have an income at the moment, which is worrying. So basically I am going to have to take over a lot of bills and stuff, if I can. I dunno! Yikes!

I’m feeling more capable in FCP X in terms of effects and making adjustments and so on, so that’s good.

I’m thinking a lot about someone. But I’m hesitant to talk about it! Anyway, there’s that. It could turn out really awesomely, or it could make me kind of sad, but I know I would get over it. It won’t kill me to at least SAY something that I truly feel. It would be good for me, even if nothing comes of it. And to be honest when I HAVE told friends I feel these things for them, it usually brings us closer together even when a romantic relationship doesn’t develop.

I’m going to be finding out about my BIG GRANT when I get home. I had a dream all these traditional aboriginal people didn’t like You Are A Lesbian Vampire and were writing nasty things about it. And I was like “That’s why I didn’t get my grant!!!” I’m really worried about homophobia impacting my arts funding. Anyway, I should find out in the middle of August, which is usually when I find out. This is my third year in a row applying for funding. I am hoping my script is written well enough that they will see it as I intend it. It’s ambitious but I am sure I can do it! And then: Fame and Fortune! 😀 Ha ha ha, it would be kind of amazing if a film about a mentally ill first nations lesbian became famous! Maybe it will find a niche market!

My cousin is moving back home today, he has been to treatment. FINALLY! So I am hoping he stays sober and doesn’t become an asshole again. It’s pretty exciting!

And less than two weeks until I come home. Monday the 23rd at 8 or something I arrive back in Saskatoon. And then I can get back to my life: going to the gym, working on people’s video projects, playing with the dogs, getting together books about lesbian spectatorship, writing an academic paper on lesbian spectatorship in pop culture, looking for people to write reference letters for me for grad school, going to the beach with Shavonne and Friends, drinking alcohol free Becks, picking up needles twice a week.

OMG! I keep having using dreams! I had this one dream I was totally smoking up at my six month anniversary! And then I told my mom, “Don’t worry, I’m only gonna get high for two days” but I knew it was really going to be for a long time! YIPES! My willpower is completely non-existent in my dreams. I even had a dream I choked my friend Nicole Kidman! :O

BUT WAIT! I think I did get my grant in my dream! Oooh la la!

Nicole Kidman is not my friend in Real Life. Real Life kinda sucks!

No it doesn’t! I am in Germany and having space to make a video! And starting Sunday I will have time off to be having my holiday in Berlin! 😀 Summer Holidays! 😀 Grooving out with friends! 😀 Fun fun fun!

I am still trying to find a place to stay in Berlin. It’s a little scary! If I can’t find a place, I do have a private room in a hostel booked (can’t do dorm rooms anymore!), but it will cost me nearly 400 dollars Canadian and I really can’t just spend that much money on housing. That’s practically my rent for a month! So I am checking with SO MANY people. Hoping someone can come up with housing for me. If I had another thousand dollars I wouldn’t care about having to shell out that much money, but my funds are limited. So, eeeeeeeeee! Cross fingers! 😮

My artist in residency is wrapping up. I am starting to be more happy with my video, but I still have some questions around it. I think the voice over is decent enough. Mom was trying to put doubts into my head about it today, which is jerky, but she does that a lot around my career.