This is the first post of 2013!  It’s been almost nine years of having this blog!  Wow! 

Well, Sober New Years Eve went well, three cousins came over before they went off to their parties, so we hung out and ate nibblies and drank pop and stuff.  I had some virgin mojitos which were good.  We set off fireworks!  Kristjan was at our house and he cried when the fireworks were over because he wanted more!  I had my special bath and visualized all the negativity of 2012 being washed away.  I also smudged the house.

Midnight passed uneventfully, Mum had gone to bed before then.  Around 1am I went to bed too.  Little Mister came with me.  At four he got up and went off to forage around for snacks and then go to Mum’s bed.  I heard him jump jump jumping and I remembered I left a Terry’s Chocolate Orange on an end table, so I got up totally naked to go get it before Mister got poisoned.  As I was walking down the hallway I started hearing the sound of someone making whimpering noises like they were trying to scream.  Steven has a lot of night terrors so I thought maybe it was him and he was sleepwalking.  I stopped and listened and they got louder and louder until finally Mum let out this unearthly bloodcurdling scream of terror!  It freaked the shit out of me, it sounded like she was being murdered!  I thought maybe it was because she saw my shadow walking down the hall, so I yelled back to reassure her “Are you okay Mom?”  She was awake by then and said “Oh it was terrible!”  Little Mister gave up his jump jump jumping and went to her room to comfort her.  Even the cat got up and went to her room, all of them sleeping around her trying to make her feel better.  The next morning I asked her what she was dreaming about and she said she dreamt she was cuddling a small animal when a sheet went over her head and something jumped on her.  She was trying to kick it off and she had been reading Harry Potter before bed, so she thought it was a Blast Ended Skrewt.  Then she started trying to scream and her scream woke her up.

So that was a bizarre way to ring in the New Year.  I certainly didn’t like hearing Mom sound so terrified, I felt so bad for her!  Nightmares suck.  I thought she was on her back when it happened because that’s when I get nightmares like that, but she was on her side.  Scary!  None of us is safe from the Night Mare!

I did a lot of tidying on New Year’s Eve, I did all my laundry and most of the dishes and picked up and swept the living room.  I tried to clean my room, but there’s a lot of stuff in there.

I’m happy I am going into 2013 with no stds and no active addictions.  I’ve been smoke free for 30 days now!  I do need to do a lot of work starting tomorrow, my grad application is due relatively soon, and I need to get my stuff to York before mid month, because that’s when a bunch of blockades might go up and that could possibly affect my mail/couriered stuff.  I’m going to get my portfolio sent this week.  I also have to redo my paper, and edit some of my admissions writings like my statement of interest.  And I have to wait until I get my York Student ID so I can sign onto MyFile and get recommendation form links to my references. 

I’m so sleepy!  I’m happy not to be hungover though.  I’ve gotten smash drunk every New Years Eve since 1997!  That’s a long time!

I also realized it was the anniversary of me realizing I am a big ole lezbo!  20 years!!! Holy crapadoodle!  That’s a long time!

I figured out my resolutions, they all have to do with money so it’s kind of boring.  I need to start calling places I owe money to and see how much a minimum payment would be.  Blah blah blah!  Boring boring boring.

Christmas has come and gone!  It was alright at our house.  There is currently some drama going on in my family that I am not at liberty to discuss, but it’s troubling me.  I need to get away from this house and hang out with some other folks.  I sort of care and I sort of don’t care and it’s bothersome.  It’s insulting me, which is possibly the biggest thing that’s pissing me off because it’s about racism and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  I hate racists. 

ANYWAY!  I have to get back to working on my grad application.  I have to do some more things.  Mom put money on her Visa today, so tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to fill out the online portion of the grad application.  The bulk of what I have worked on will get mailed late next week.  The deadline is coming up, January 16th!  Yikes!  I’m pretty excited though, and I feel like I am on track.

I was sober for my first Christmas!  I made it through the whole holiday without getting smashed or even having a sip.  Pretty awesome!  And you know, even though drinking was so ingrained in my Christmases previous, I didn’t actually miss it this year.  I didn’t even really think about it!

My next sober milestone is coming up quick, the first Sober New Years Eve!  I have to come up with a new way of celebrating the start of a new year.  I am gonna have a candy bathmelt bath with candles and incense, and get in pyjamas, and read my tarot cards, and drink something yummy without booze, and eat chips and dip or something.  It should be pretty nice.  I hope I have a good time.  I don’t know who else will be there.  I might get sparkling apple cider for midnight too, that always feels fun!

Anyway, life really changed quite majorly for me this past year!  I quit drugging and drinking, I got a driver’s license, I decided to go back to school, I made some money, I was poor, I applied for some jobs, and at the end of the year I got selected for an assessment which I passed for a job that pays a minimum of 26 dollars an hour!  I also went to Germany for five weeks, saw a red light district, lived within my means during the time I was there, got a grant, made a video, and submitted that video to a famous film festival in Germany that I have attended over a decade ago.  It’s all looking up for me really.  Sure, I am still living with my Mom and people judge that, but I’m doing really really well for the first time in a long time.  I feel like I am prepared for some of these good things which could happen next year.  If I get into grad school, I should be making enough money with my RA/TA/GA and my band funding to be able to afford life in Toronto for two years or whatever.  So I am feeling pretty positive.  And the residences let you have pets, so Mister and Beatrix will be able to come with me. 

I’m also really happy that I am on the lowest amount of meds I have been on in a long time.  I’m happy to be stable without needing to be drugged to the gills.  And having a sex drive again is really nice, I missed it.  I feel like I will be stable during the next few crucial years of doing school.  Should I get in.

And if I don’t get into school, hopefully I will have a job I am good at that pays well to keep me afloat for the next couple years until I can get into school.  It’s all good!

I’m really tired.  Dramatic few days.  I need to get back to worrying about my life and my future.  And I need to work on this damned paper!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I’ve got to just sit down and DO IT! 

I wonder when X Corporation will get back to me about doing an interview, or do an interview on the phone or something.  Mum says next year.  That’s six days away!  Seven actually, I doubt they will call on the first!

Anyway, I’m ready to snooze!  I called the Prime Minister’s office about meeting with Chief Theresa Spence, a real person answers!  Then she sends you to the voicemail!  It was awesome!  I felt engaged with democrazy.  OMG!  That was totally a typo, but it really is what Canada has right now!

Idle No More is making me feel amazing!  I attended the flash mob round dance in Midtown Plaza last night, me and 2000+ other people!  Taking over a public space and making it our own was so moving, it gave me a great sense of pride in what our community can accomplish together!  And then today I went to the rally/round dance by the Bessborough.  That was exciting too, there were a lot of people, it didn’t give me the same thrill as the flash mob, but it did feel good to stand there with people praying and talking and drumming.  I saw a lot of people I know, which made me happy. 

I’ve been on a high for a while now, since I found out about possibly getting a job at X Corporation and then also with this hype for Idle No More!  I feel like we can turn Canada around, like we can wrest control of our country away from the conservatives and make it our home again!  And I also feel like just maybe I can get out of my own personal poverty.

I’ve been really frustrated recently with feeling like I am in a rut.  Not having a stable job was really bumming me out, and being on social assistance, as nice as it is to have a safety net, is a little bit depressing.  I think that’s only because there is stigma about people on social assistance, especially if you are a POC and ESPECIALLY if you are First Nations.  There is this idea that you are lazy and useless if you need government assistance.  And then people bitch about being taxpayers and how you’re using their money and blah blah blah.  It really inflames some people. 

BUT even beyond the whole job/no job/social assistance thing, I also feel like I am in a rut just based on living with my mom and cousin who does disruptive things when he is drunk, and not having a girlfriend, and having not gotten a grant from Canada Council for the last three times I have applied.  I feel in a rut emotionally and with my film career.  I feel like I am really needing to grow out of this awkward phase I am in.  I don’t want children, so that’s not hanging over me.  Whew!  But being single is really getting to me.  I miss sex with someone else.  And if I get this job maybe I can move out of my dysfunctional home.  I really hate living with an alcoholic.  If he was working on himself that might be easier, but he is not, and at the same time he is acting like he quit drinking already.  He’s all proud of himself, even though he keeps getting drunk these days.  It’s bizarre.  Talk about living in denial.

Quitting my addictions this year has been really positive for me though.  Maybe the rut I am talking about is my growth plateauing.  I had so many good things happen for me when I quit drugging and drinking.  Like my driver’s license.  And going to Germany.

But I do need to get ahead.  Since this is the solstice and the beginning of the next Mayan age, I may as well start on what I want to achieve this next year:
Get a job.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Do my taxes.
Get into Grad School.
Move to Toronto.
Live in Grad Residences.
Get a girlfriend.

That’s all I want to have happen. I would be happy if my next year worked out like that.  I’ll hear in April if I get into Grad school, if not I will apply in the fall for my feature film funding, again.  In the regular section.  I’ve never gotten a grant in the Aboriginal Section.  I think it’s cursed.

I’m worried Steven will pick one of my work nights to get really drunk and disruptive in the middle of the night, and I will be fucked for sleep and have to work the next day and be really bad at it.  I don’t know.  That’s one of the reasons I might move out if I get my job.  I would save more money if I stayed here, but I really hate Steven.  So maybe having the opportunity to get the hell out of here would be a good thing.  It would suck for Mum though, because then she couldn’t afford to keep her house.  She would have to get another roommate.  And I don’t know if anyone could stand living with Steven.  But I guess that isn’t my problem.

I’ve done a lot of work on my grad application.  I just need to review and make some changes and then whip this paper up into something more professional!  I got my last reference letter writer, so that is good!  They are all women and all tenured professors! 😀

I also had some really REALLY good news this week!

I had applied for this Customer Service Representative at X corporation back in November.  I heard they were doing their hiring process in December, so when I didn’t hear anything for over the first two weeks in December I gave up.  I thought it was just another case of being ignored.  BUT THEN yesterday afternoon my gmail app on my iPhone went “ding!” and I checked it and I had an invitation from X corporation to complete a web based assessment.  They said they encouraged me to do it now, but I had until December 31st.  So I waited until Steven’s son left this evening and went in and logged on. 

It was really complex.  First they asked me for basic information.  Then they had me go to a virtual call centre, where a little computer generated dude gave basic training in their system and then a practice call.  Then I had to do some virtual calls for which I was being assessed.  I think I made two mistakes.  It was interesting.  Then I had to answer a multiple choice portion of the assessment on responses to customer’s statements.  THEN the hardest part came, which was all these mathematical questions which I had to solve and answer.  I was worried I was just fucking up.  BUT THEN!!!!! I got a screen that said “Congratulations!  You have successfully completed this portion of the hiring process.  A recruitment person will be in touch with you on the next step!”  So I PASSED! 😀  Now it’s down to the interviews!  I don’t know when they will do them.  Christmas is coming up pretty quick, so they might take time off and get back to me in the New Year, when everyone has done the assessment.  I am trying to remember the hiring process for Sasktel, which is another Crown Corporation and had a lot of the same benefits.  I think the next step was a telephone interview.  And then an in person interview.

I really hope I get it.  The pay is amazing and they have good benefits.  And this time I don’t have active addictions fucking me over and making me waste money and time and so forth.  I think I could be a really good employee.

Another nice thing happened.  I sent an email to an ex after being suspicious of something I thought she did while we were together, I mean, it was a really nice thing for her to do because it helped me move on from something traumatic.  Anyway, she sent me back an email confirming my suspicions, and she was actually really friendly and nice.  I appreciated it.  So that was nice.  It made me feel a bit better.  She and I have had such a tumultuous history.  I guess that’s what happens when you know someone for 18 years.  God, I can’t believe I’m so old!

I’m in a pretty good mood.  I’ve been so excited ever since I passed the assessment tonight.  I have to go to bed now.  I think I will write in my journal.  I am still waiting for a cheque that I haven’t gotten, I am dubious as to whether I will get it before Christmas or not.  Which kinda sucks, because I won’t be able to get many presents then.  I only bought for two people.  Oh well, I kinda think the presents thing is overrated, and I know I will only get two anyway. 

Life is up and down.  Sometimes it is really sad and sometimes it is really happy.  So strange.  I guess I will find out in January if I have a job.  I’ll keep you updated.  The best part is that the starting wage is 26 dollars an hour!  I don’t know how many hours I will get though.  It’s permanent part time though, not casual, which is good, I hate casual work and being on call.  I like having a set schedule.

Anyway, Steven is drunk again, as usual, and sprayed some really rank cologne in the living room and I think I am allergic to it so I should go to bed.  Good night!

I haven’t posted in a while and there was one major change in our home life.  Arthur the Golden Retriever was euthanized last Saturday.  The day before he didn’t want to eat, he was throwing up even though he had next to nothing in his stomach and he was having a hard time getting up.  We took him to the vet and they kept him for a few hours and did some tests.  Then they sent him home and he wasn’t allowed to eat the rest of the day.  The next morning was no better, and he was eleven so Mum called the vet and made arrangements for him to be euthanized.

I went with him and Mum.  He was given several sedatives that made him super sleepy and then one giant needle.  He passed away very peacefully, breathing out one last big sigh and kicking his back leg out to get more comfortable.  And then he was gone.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I would get so mad at him but all in all he was a good dog, and sweet, and now he is no more.  I miss him.  Since then we have been adjusting, Hermione cried when he left for half an hour.  And then she was a little unsettled for a few days.  Now she is getting used to it just being her and Mister.  I’m gonna feel bad when I take Mister away in the fall.  She’ll have no one.  Mum made me promise not to let her get another dog for a year.  She’s worried she will make a poor decision if she gets one too soon.  I think she should get another dachshund, or a corgi, something Hermione’s size that she can play with, in a year. 

We’ve discovered we can leave food on the counters again.  It’s been wild, leaving butter bowls on the counter and no one stealing them.  But there is also no one big enough to lick out the pots, or intimidating enough for us to leave the doors unlocked.  So things have changed.  No one eats our snotty kleenexes anymore either.

So I have to talk about him, because he was a big part of our lives.  And I will end this part of the blog with a pic of him.

Arthur Cuthand is dead, Long Live King Arthur!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’ve been going on Tumblr a lot lately, you can find me there at thirzac.tumblr.com.  I mostly reblog things I find interesting, but some of it is kewl so maybe you want to take a peek.

Fitofpique.tumblr was taken.  I tried!

I made sugar cookies on Friday with Shavonne.  It took a long time.  For some reason every time my Mom walked into the kitchen, I’d just be sitting there doing nothing and Shavonne would be busy working, and she thought I was just being a lazy bones but really I was busy!  Just not at the times she walked in, for whatever reason.  We made all kinds of cookies, wreaths, deer, santa, lights, snowmen, angels, on and on!  And then we made butter icing in four different colours and used all these sprinkles and made pretty cute cookies.  They were also really yummy cookies.  All of them have been eaten.  They didn’t last long!  I have half the dough in the freezer so I can make more!

I’m busy with my grad application still.  I don’t know if I should concentrate on writing a new paper or if I should just use an already written one.  This evening I went on a desperate search and found all my files from my first iMac I used in my undergrad on a CD.  I tried to open it in my laptop, but it kept getting spit out.  I tried it on Mum’s computer and it worked.  I copied them all and then looked through the various folders.  It was arranged very neatly, not like my files now, I could learn something from that.  Anyway, I found an old paper about A Streetcar Named Desire which I wrote in my third or fourth year but was from a 100 class.  I’m not sure it’s up to snuff.  I got a really good mark on it, but it is from a 100 class.  Soooooo, hmm.  I’m getting Mom to read it.  If I can concentrate on my other work I need to do for this grad application, that would be the best.  I’m worried I’m spending too much time trying to write an academic paper, and that the rest of my application is lacking.  I have two reference letter writers chosen, I just need one more.  And I have to work on my Statement of Intent more.  And get together my portfolio.  AND write 500 words on how my disability has impacted my grades.  So there is still a lot to be done. 

Anyway, I am really tired, so I am going to go to sleep.  OH!  But before I do, I have to tell you about the spirits who visited me in my dreams last night.

I was in a divey bar and Jasmine walked in!  I asked her what it was like to be dead, and she said people talk to you so you break open.  I’m not sure what that means, but it’s rife with possibilities!  Then Arthur walked by on his hind legs, wearing glasses, a fedora, and a trenchcoat.  Strangeness!

So anyways, life trundles on.  Steven got drunk on the weekend and woke us up at 2 and 4 am, so the next morning I went downstairs and banged a metal pot with a metal spoon.  Made me feel marginally better.

I went to Regina this weekend, spent time with my friend Blair and screened Boi Oh Boi and got a really good response.  I’m happy about that.

Yesterday I had my SAID interview with the lady from Abilities Council.  She went through all this stuff with me and we identified all these supports I had in dealing with things in life related to my disability, like dressing and housework and mood and safety and stress and a bunch of other things.  It was a fairly thorough assessment that made me realize how many supports I have as a disabled person to get through life.  My Mom DOES help a lot, it makes me worry what it will be like when I move out.  I’ve lived on my own before though.  And Mister is a support, because he calms me down when I am stressed out or emotional.  And even my phone is a support because I have set alarms all through the week that remind me of various things like taking my meds and taking out the garbage and going to my concurrent disorders group.

I haven’t gone to my group in a while.  I should really go. 

And then of course I also have my psychiatrist and my psych nurse supporting me.  So yeah!

I will find out in six to eight weeks if I am approved to stay on the SAID program.  It would be nice. 

Christmas is coming up soon.  This will be our first sober Christmas in a long time.  Maybe it will make the stress easier to deal with. 

I’ve had a long day, had to get up early and stuff.  It’s been exhausting.  Good though, I went to a bunch of art galleries in Regina and got to see my friend’s show at The Dunlop.  Purty interesting stuff!

I’m just going to do some work and also write this paper and also get letters of reference and write some more stuff for my grad school application.  It’s due SO SOON!  Yikes!  And there is only one application date a year for it so I really have to get my shit together.  I am thinking of purchasing this app from the app store called Scrivener, it’s this majorly amazing writing software that can do essays, scripts, novels, all sorts of things.  I think it would be a good investment for a writer, and also it is only 45 dollars on the app store.  It’s way better for longer pieces like novels than Word.  I had better download it soon!

We have the Cartoon Network for free for a while, so we are taping Adventure Time.  I am thinking of deleting the three seasons of Adventure Time off my laptop so I have more space.  Although maybe I should watch them all again before I do!

I downloaded Amanda Palmer’s Theatre is Evil album off her site for free because I am a broke ass fan!  Maybe if I get majic money I will send a couple bucks her way, because it is a pretty bitchin’ album.  You can find it at her website, www.amandapalmer.net. 

I’m still single.  The foretold girlfriend hasn’t arrived, and November is nearly over.  I’m giving up.  I think I shall be single until I move away for Grad school and am really really busy with my career and then someone sweet will show up and I will get all distracted and mooney and forget to do my homework.  Either that or I will continue to go after bad emotionally unavailable women who don’t really like me all that much.  Poor life choices!  I’m really tired of being drawn to women who don’t feel the same way though.  It makes me feel shitty about myself, like no one will ever love me!  UGH!  So horrid!  So the story of my life! 

But there is more to life than being loved I guess.  I could just masturbate a lot and continue working on the Great Aboriginal Comedy Series. 

Actually, I have been single for so long that ALL my sex dreams are now about me masturbating feverishly!  In one I was using a glass dildo and a vibrator and an Oral B electric toothbrush ALL AT ONCE!  I don’t know how I managed that with only two hands.  And in real masturbatory life it’s pretty boring again, especially since my bottle of Slippery Stuff fell down the side of the bed between the wall and bed and I have been too lazy to fish it out.  Lube is pretty hot, and makes everything feel better, so you would think I would have fished it out by now!  But no.  OH!  But I did have a dream I was in an orgy with lesbians and transmen.  That was a pretty hot dream.  They were all faceless people.  Most of my sex dreams involve faceless people.  This means my next lover will have no face!  Ha ha, just kidding.  I think it just means I don’t have any active crushes that I feel comfortable fucking in my dreams. 

I should go to bed, my back is cold and I am naked in bed and I want to wriggle under the covers and be warm on this wintery night!  I went to Regina today without a hat, how ridic is that?  I was freezing!  Winter is here to stay!  It came early this year, and hasn’t melted away at all.  Last year was so mild.  Not this time! 

OK Cupid keeps trying to set me up with Bisexual women.  I wish I could find a femme lesbian, that would be AWESOME!  Oh well, nevermind.

Today I imported two video files into iMovie (a really old copy) and made copies of my videos on two tiny tapes.  I also put away my hard drive and gathered my contracts and info sheets for my videos and found a box to ship it all away in.  I am now burning the required dvds.  Woot!  I will have my videos in distribution, thank god! 

I quit smoking today so it would be another quit on an 18th day of the month.  November 18th, I quit smoking.  I am doing the patch and having the odd lozenge when I get a craving. 

This is me before the snow came, with some new sexy underwear I purchased.  Yes, that is the Pilsbury Doughboy.  I was hoping I could wear it on a date, but so far I’ve had no need.  I’m just wearing it when I feel like laughing every time I go to the bathroom.

I’m spending money to make money.  It’s kind of a drag.  I wish I could make money without having to spend anything.  I had to rent equipment for a shoot this weekend, and I had to buy a hard drive for my videos to send to Toronto.  I’m looking forward to when money starts rolling in again. 

I’ve gotten used to feeling hopelessly single.  I feel like maybe this isn’t the best feeling.  I’m worried I won’t find a girlfriend until I move away to Toronto.

More confessions, I found an ex by googling her.  Google is not my friend.  I shouldn’t even have put her name in a search engine, I should have left well enough alone.  I was perfectly content not speaking to her.  Now I’ve seen her clothed breasts again and that cute face and I’m like “Oh shit!  Not this again!”  I can’t be hung up on this woman forever.  No more! 

I’ve started a Tumblr, but mostly just to reblog things I find funny or smart or sexy.  I’m maintaining this blog still as my all original writings of my life.  I feel like I have invested too much into it to let it go. 

I’ve had a sore throat for two days.  I’m terrified of the big C word being involved.  It’s probably a cold that I am fighting off, but it’s still terrifying me.  I’ve got one friend with a tumor in his lung and another friend who has something abnormal going on in his esophagus, and it has really kicked me in the pants about this whole mortality thing.  I know one day I will die, I just don’t want it to be horribly premature.  I feel like my struggles to stay alive during suicidal depressions which have been really terrible shouldn’t be meaningless if I end up dying of cancer early in my life.  It’s really made me happy I quit smoking, for what I hope is the final time.

I’m getting better at getting work done.  I still have some shit I have to do though, I am going to be busy this next while.  I am going to Regina this coming weekend for a show, that should be nice.  I always feel so weird watching my videos in the audience, because I totally pay attention to the audience reactions.  And it makes me nervous. 

I don’t have any library fines!  I have to go get a new card because my account expired, but hurrah hurrah!  No fines!  I was terrified I owed my soul to the library.  I’m relieved that I can now take out books and stuff without using my mom’s card.

I am behind in my readings.  I need to get caught up.  I am also applying for CSR jobs that pay good money.  I went for a keyboarding test (did I already mention this?) and scored 51 and 54 wpm.  With a 99 and 100 percent accuracy rate respectively.  Which puts me in the running for those jobs.  I hope I get an interview.

Although I do have so much work to do, I wouldn’t be horribly sad if I remained jobless until January 16th when my grad application is due.  That’s probably a bad thing to say.  I just need time to read and write and shtuff!

I didn’t cook anything all weekend.  I still want to make bread!  Maybe Tuesday I will!

I have finally finally started doing my research for my scholarly writing I have to do and submit with my grad application! 😀 I am doing an essay about Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext, with possibly a look at the creation of alternate narratives (slash). I got access to JSTOR, which is a site that has a lot of electronic journals, and did a search for Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. So far the articles I have to read are:

Subtext and Countertext in “Muriel’s Wedding” By Jill A. Mackey
Visual “Drive” and Cinematic Narrative: Reading Gaze Theory in Lacan, Hitchcock, and Mulvey By Clifford T. Manlove
Theorizing Mainstream Female Spectatorship: The Case of the Popular Lesbian Film By Karen Hollinger
Sexual Indifference and Lesbian Representation By Teresa de Lauretis
Queering the (New) Deal: Lesbian and Gay Representation and the Depression-Era Cultural Politics of Hollywood’s Production Code By David M. Lugowski
Cruisin’ for a Brusin’: Hollywood’s Deadly (Lesbian) Dolls By Chris Holmlund
Confessions of a Lesbian Feminist Slasher By Dale Rosenberg

I read the Muriel’s Wedding one already, it gave me a few ideas. I have to get through the rest in the next few days. And then maybe look for some books or other articles which get cited. Then will begin my task of writing a good essay. One that will demonstrate my ability to write scholarly blah blah blahs. I hope I do a good job. I was happy to realize I can still read texts like these. I was worried I would feel totally out of my element since I haven’t read academic texts in a long time. But it’s not so bad. I feel like my topic could go so many directions, I want to mention how the Hays code impacted Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. I guess I could do that in a short space, I’m worried I’ll get all rambly and go too many places with it. And slash could be a whole article all of it’s own. I used to have a book by Constance Penley about slash, but I don’t know what happened to it.

In other news, things are fine. Steven apologized about washing my Pendleton Blanket and I accepted his apology, so that is over.

I got my FODADA Cardigan that I won from OUTtv in the mail yesterday, I was quite pleased with it! It fits me, except the sleeves are too long, and it’s black which was the colour I was hoping for! I like winning things!

That’s the third thing I have won from OUTtv. I also won a Lacroix bracelet and a Gautier cologne set.

The only problem is almost as soon as I put my cardigan on, I got little white hairs all over it! 🙁 Darnitall!

I made some rice krispie squares tonight. That was pretty awesome. I wanted to make some doukhobor bread too, but Steven is making baguettes, so there is no need to make a whole bunch of breads at once. I COULD make ginger snaps though, which would be really nice.

I’ve started reading fiction before going to sleep, and it’s been helping me get to sleep a lot faster than looking at the computer late into the night. Thanks to my friend D’Arcy for the tip! I’m currently reading The Casual Vacancy. It’s well written but I can’t say I actually care much about the story. I am only at page 38, but so far it is just a bunch of people talking about someone who dies on page 2.

I’m still girlfriendless. I don’t know when I will get one. I had heard October or November from my psychic, but she said that depended on me and I feel like I have failed miserably in my mission to get a hunny! I hardly even circulate anymore, I am usually at home knitting or reading or baking something. I’m acting like a housewife without a counterpart. So I don’t actually get the benefits of domesticity, besides being well read and having a scarf finally and having nice things to eat.

Being sober is still going well! 😀 No weed, no alcohol. No nothing else for a while now. I did do something a couple of months ago, but it wasn’t anything I had needed to quit and was an anomaly more than anything. So that’s kewl! I feel like my options for meeting women has shrunk since I quit drinking especially, even though it has made me a happier, healthier person. BUT I am gonna go to the gay bar for the first time in MONTHS on Saturday for a party in support of Transgender Day Of Remembrance. I’m gonna wear a mustache and tie. And drink pop.

I’m so relieved I finally started doing my research for my paper. I was getting worried. Now I have to start approaching people to write letters of reference for me. I think I have the three people I was going to use in mind. My film prof, my contemporary Aboriginal arts prof, and my colleague and past curator Adrian Stimson. I hope they write good letters! 😀

I’m applying for a job as a Customer Service Representative, and I need to get my high school transcripts and a typing test. I hope I am still a fast typer! I was last tested at 42 wpm. But that was a few years ago! We’ll see where I am at now.

I have some work I have to do soon soon soon! And I have to get my hard drive and tapes in to VTape so they can distribute them!

AND I have to pay the damn deductible on my accident I was in in March. Shitty! That is gonna wipe out a huge chunk of change! 🙁 Sad me!

But really, things are going well again, and life is getting back on track, and if I get a part time job that pays well I will be in a really good spot again and be able to start socking away money for school! I need to get a hundred bucks for my grad school application fee too. The deadline is January 16th. Eeeeeeee! It’s only a couple of months away!

UGH! I am starting to hate my family again. I guess I shouldn’t hate EVERYONE because it’s really just a few rotten apples that are pissing in my cornflakes. I am really wondering why I am friends with some of them on facebook when they seem to just leave asshole comments or are generally pissy.

I unfriended Steven quite a while ago and he never noticed and then he took down his facebook anyway, so whatever, he never sees anything I post. ANYWAY, I got this Pendleton Blanket from my Grandparents for getting sober. And it was kicking around for a while and then the cat puked on it. And I was gonna clean it off, but I kept forgetting about it. So Steven in his great wisdom decided to help me by not only putting it in the washer, but also the dryer. This after we had had two incidents with woolen things either going in the washer and getting wrecked, or being saved from his determination to put all fibres into the washing machine. So I had THOUGHT he had realized that WOOL DOESN’T GO IN THE WASHER! Arrrrrrrg! I don’t think he knows what wool is.

So my blanket is shrunk and I was really mad and I made ONE status about it all day and my fucking cousin comes along and bitches about how I complain about Steven all the time and I just fucking had it. I’m tired of my family being so concerned about Steven’s man feelings when he does stupid shit that pisses me off like wrecking my expensive sweater and my Pendleton blanket. I don’t know why nobody cares that I have a fucked up living arrangement and no way to get out of it because rent elsewhere is fucking eight hundred dollars! Steven hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, which is good, and I haven’t complained about that, but in the past yes when he drinks I get pissed off because he turns into an asshole and disrupts our whole household. So I have posted about his fucked up behaviour, because I don’t buy into the whole keeping quiet about alcoholism thing that fuels so many other alcoholic homes. I’m not interested in enabling any fucking man.

ANYWAY, he really hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, so this was just about my frustration with his cluelessness about how to do the laundry. And I am tired of the cousin who bitched about my bitching, because of a lot of things but mostly because she pisses me off and keeps posting new age crap about this dawning world we are supposed to see that is SO psychosis influenced it scares me! I shouldn’t be scared of psychosis fueled ideas, because I have had them, but maybe it’s because I have had them that I am so annoyed by them. It all makes sense and like, you’re going to be intimately involved with saving the world and blah blah blah, but it’s just mania. IT IS JUST MANIA! And sure, sometimes it comes in handy, like for Winston Churchill who really did have to help save the world and was in a manic episode for most of the Second World War. But it just makes me cringe because I think of all the stupid stuff I said when I was manic and saving the world and how I thought I knew everything and was smarter than everyone else. I guess part of me worries that people have to go through depressions after manias to let go of those ideas and maybe she hasn’t and is still mildly manic.

So anyway I put her on restricted profile so I wouldn’t have to deal with her weird comments, and then I took her off my newsfeed so I don’t have to read all those psychosis influenced posts. And then I just felt mad for a while at my family because I am tired of having interpersonal drama and it all seems to stem from Steven who I really wish I didn’t live with but I don’t have a choice. And a part of me just wants all these family members to actually step up and take Steven into their house and live with him and see what they think about the experience and if they would or wouldn’t have a complainy status once in a while. And if they did complain I would just comment “Ha ha!” He is not an easy guy to live with.

But beyond all of that, I really want to get the hell out of this city. I’m not growing here. I’m stuck. And I don’t really feel respected here, I feel like a lot of people think I suck. And I am tired of that feeling. I want to go somewhere where I can actually have a career again and be involved with my community and all that stuff. And Saskatoon isn’t the place for it. I can’t even make a television show here because the tax credit is gone. Anyway, I had much higher self esteem when I lived in another city away from my family. I was really good at self care and I had some strong support networks of friends. I didn’t ever have like, scads of friends, but the ones I did have were really good friends who would like, take me in if I was suicidal and stuff. Here I feel like I am just getting picked on.

And I am pissed that it seems to be cousins who are acting like assholes. It makes me want to unfriend all my cousins just to get it over with because I feel like they are all going to turn on me one day. And I know they aren’t and that I am close with some of them, yes yes yes. But also some of them are assholes. But I think they know they are assholes, that’s not a newsflash.

Ugh! I am tired! I’m going to bed. I’m not going to post a link to this blog on my facebook just because I only want dedicated readers to see this, and not just whatever people. I need to get more selective.

I got on social assistance, actually I am on the SAID program right now, which is good because it gives me extra money to live on. I filled out the official application and it has to go to Abilities who then come and assess me and decide if I am disabled enough for it. Which will be interesting, because my bipolar disorder is really an illness which fluctuates from mild to severe disability. Right now it is fairly mild, and has been for a number of years. But in the past I have had clearly debilitating episodes which rendered me completely unable to work. So I don’t know what they are going to say.

I got my cheque today, and paid my rent, groceries, phone bill, and overdraft on my chequing account. I also bought Steven a pack of smokes because he gave me a bunch of his when I was still smoking, and twenty bucks. I still have some money leftover! This is quite amazing. I am going to use some of the rest to get a hard drive to send to my distributor with my videos on it. I’m tired of the limited distribution I am doing with my tapes right now, because I haven’t gotten them to VTape and I am just getting shows here and there and not submitting them to festivals.

After that I will have a bit of money to go to the movies and out for dinner with a friend. And maybe some extra if I am lucky. I’m really happy I quit my addictions, because they burned through my money really fast.

I haven’t smoked since yesterday at around 1:00pm. I’ve been doing patches and lozenges and I am doing alright. Indian Affairs DID pay for my patches again, and so I am determined to really do it properly this time and follow directions and NOT SMOKE! EVER! I picked up 100 dollars worth of patches the other night and I’m still using up my last box that I bought, so I haven’t even started the new ones yet. I feel like I can shell out money for lozenges to get through the big cravings, because I hardly have lozenges anyway so it won’t be a lot of money, like the patches are.

My no drinking no weed thing is STILL going strong! I don’t want to fall off the wagon and I hardly think about it, unless I smell weed on somebody and get memories. But my last months with weed were awful, I felt so shitty every time I smoked up. Really out of control and freaked out, like my mind was going to places I didn’t want it to go. Dark places. I started feeling like I was insane every time I smoked up, and I am, but like, actively insane. I can see what David Suzuki was talking about, how marijuana has changed even just in the decade and a bit since I started using it, more prone to inducing psychosis because the chemical that protected against psychosis has been bred out. I’m glad I don’t have it in my life anymore.

And I am also glad not to get pukey drunk anymore.

Steven’s listening to Depeche Mode downstairs, I think he is depressed. He found out how much money I got today from Social Services and was upset because it was more than his. I don’t even know if I will get to stay on the program. I hope so, until I find a job. A good paying job.

I haven’t gotten any phone calls from any of the jobs I have applied for. I’m getting weary of this, because I don’t know what the issue is and I suspect it is racial discrimination. Cuthand is very obviously a First Nations name here and there are a lot of racists in this town. In this province. In this country. But I can’t prove it’s discrimination if they don’t even call me in for an interview.

I’m still single. I’m getting bored of that too. My libido has STARTED coming back, I am actually being sexually active, albeit alone, on a more regular basis than before. So I am relieved, because I really didn’t care about orgasms for a while there. And how can you not care about ORGASMS???? They are the best thing in life! I spent a large part of my formative years being obsessed with having as many orgasms as I could possibly have! Hell, I even went to bed early because of that! I used to masturbate in the middle of the afternoon. I don’t do that anymore, sadly, because of roommates who are also family members. But when I move out, I’m so doing it! Anyway, I am still left wondering who this mystery girlfriend is gonna be and also feeling a little hopeless because I don’t think my next girlfriend is in Saskatoon. I don’t know where she is. Maybe she is here, I don’t know. She’s not on OK Cupid though because the only girls who seem to be there are poly bisexuals, and I’m not poly anymore because it fucking sucks.

I haven’t knitted my hat in a while because I am still doing the ribbing and getting confused as to whether I have to purl or knit. I should work on that because the only other hat I found is a 30 below hat, and it’s only maybe three or five below during the days, for which a knitted toque would be ideal.

My sleep is fucked up because I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. I also haven’t been to my concurrent disorders group in a while because I don’t like the new facilitators because they aren’t as good as the old ones. I know they are learning and all that but I would be nice to get some recognition for having sober time instead of them saying nothing unless you’ve fallen off the wagon. Anyway, BLAH! Also we now have to fill out these evaluation forms every beginning and end of the sessions, and it takes up time because they have to explain them all the time and some people need extra help filling them out and we really only have an hour to all talk. So those are reasons I am not happy with the group anymore.

I should go tomorrow, but I have a whole list of errands I need to do tomorrow and it is going to eat up most of my time. Maybe I will check out an online NA meeting or something instead. Although I don’t really click with NA.

I feel like I am getting ahead and yet am also stuck in a rut. I really wish I had a job or something. Or a girlfriend. Although word on the street is people on disability aren’t as desireable for girlfriends as people with jobs. I’m getting so tired of reading things about how you shouldn’t date someone if they don’t have a job and live with their mother. The economy is terrible, what do you expect? Rent for a one bedroom apartment in Saskatoon is an average of eight hundred dollars a month, on par with Toronto, and I can’t afford it. And I don’t usually do well as roommates with people and I don’t like having to move all the time. I like having long term housing situations. My best apartment in Vancouver was 450 a month for 300 square feet and I lived there for three years. And I was happy, because I wasn’t moving around all the time and having roommate issues. I like long term housing. Some people move all of the time, and I wonder how they can stand it?

Anyway, this blog post sounds all kinds of bummed out, and actually I am pretty happy these days despite all of this. I’m glad I have a safe place to live with my dog and kitty, and I am glad Steven hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, and I am glad I have things I am doing and looking forward to. I haven’t done much work on my paper, because I still don’t have access to online journals, but my mom gave me an idea of how I can get access so I am going to try. I also have to contact my references for grad school, and go over the application again and work on some extra scripts to send as part of my portfolio. I’m getting really nervous about grad school, I am scared I won’t be let in and I will feel rejected and sad like a bad artist/writer, and I am also scared I will be let in and have to worry about moving to a new city and surviving on the tiny amount of living allowance that my band pays to post sec students. I’m scared I will be lonely, even though I know a bunch of people in Toronto, and I’m scared I will go crazy and need someone to look after my pets while I am sick. I am scared about a lot of things. On the other hand, having an MFA in Screenwriting could nudge me in a really good direction with my career. Maybe juries would take me more seriously with an MFA, and most film departments have a Screenwriting prof. I think I could teach about narrative writing a lot better than I could teach about technical aspects of putting 16mm through a Bolex. It would be more satisfying to me.

I’m also worried about the fact that I will be really poor in Grad school, and have to work a part time job along with going to school, and that it won’t give me enough time to write and do the schoolwork I will need to do. I never worked while I was going through my BFA, and that was really good for me because I was secretly disabled and still had a full courseload and if I’d had to work I would have had a really hard time.

Anyway, BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wish my life was a bit sexier. I don’t have a trip to Germany to look forward to. I have been thinking about taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the not too distant future, but I would need some major money to enter my life for that. I want to suntan on the black sand beach, and go to the Volcano park. I’ve never seen a volcano. They seem so exotic to me, being a prairie girl where geologically things are fairly tame. I’d like to see the raw power of the earth spitting magma. Maybe there is a film festival who will program Boi Oh Boi in Hawaii. One can only hope.

Also I am not applying for residencies until April, when I find out about Grad School. So I don’t think I will be going anywhere exciting this summer.