It’s almost 1am on a Sunday night, which is really Monday Morning. I am not sure what I want to blog about, except that I feel compelled to write so I may as well.

It was fisting day yesterday! That’s always exciting, even though I didn’t fist anyone yesterday! I remember the first time I successfully fisted my then girlfriend. I was penetrating her and then it just slipped in. It was so awesome! And there was this immense warm feeling of pinkness that enveloped me. It was an amazing sensation for my hand to be engulfed in her pussy. Just swallowed up. So yeah, I like it either way, being on the receiving or the giving end of fisting. All around fisting fan!

Actually, after years of calling myself a bottom, I have only recently accepted that I am more likely a switch. I really like submission with women I love and masochism in general, but I have discovered a more dominating desire within me come out from time to time. Actually the first time I had an inkling I might be a switch was when I was talking with a far away friend on the phone and we were blabbing about Daddies when she called me Daddy in this totally vampy high femme tone of voice and my breath caught in my throat. It totally turned me on! Since then I have thought about being a butch Daddy for some lucky Femme. I think I would be stern but loving. And of course being a switch and therefore needing some time as a bottom I wouldn’t always be Daddy.

I used to have a girlfriend who was a switch. But it only lasted six months, and she was in charge pretty much all of the time, until it all unraveled. I’d like my next girlfriend to be a switch. I’m worried I’m going to end up settling for someone totally vanilla who isn’t going to expand their sexual horizons with me. That would really suck.

Actually, even though I don’t really have any active crushes going on right now, I have this deeply profound sense that my singleness may be ending relatively soon! Maybe that’s just because about now is the timeframe my psychic gave me for getting into my next serious relationship. But I do understand it really depends on me, and that I have to start attracting the right people who want to be with an emotional sentimental romantic softy, and not the people who think I’m some bad girl with an attitude. Because they’ll be expecting one thing and I’ll show up and do something else like bring them flowers or wanting to spend all morning cuddling or something. I really like cuddly mornings. Or sex interspersed with cuddle monster sessions. I’m really physical with my girlfriends. I like pulling them into darkened doorways for intensely deep long kisses. And holding hands in the movie theatre. Or putting my hand on their thigh. Things like that.

Wow I miss all that stuff! It seems like I have such long periods of being single. Since my last girlfriend it has been over five years. I did have one lover during that time, but the interpersonal stuff between us was so awkward because it was a really casual fling type thing. And I guess I just prefer having sex when it’s going to go somewhere, even if it’s just for a few months. Just to be able to say “Yes, we had a relationship!” Although I understand some of my relationships should have been kept as casual flings. I guess what I am saying is sex makes me super attached. My oxytocin goes shooting around my brain/body and makes me bonded.

But I guess it doesn’t work like that for everyone.

I’ve been haunting OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish for a while, looking for potential mates. But so far I haven’t had much luck. I did go on two dates. One was terrible! I had never met someone so rude! Oh well. I feel like a specialty item now since I have gotten sober. And I already felt like that before, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m worried I seem like damaged goods or something fucked up like that. People pick really funny things to discriminate over. But I wouldn’t want to date those people anyway. I’m just worried EVERYONE is those people!

They say you shouldn’t get into a serious relationship your first year of sobriety. Then again, I am not following the NA program anyway, which is where that line of thought comes from.

Well, it’s 1:14! I should go to bed! Goodnight internet land!

I guess I could check in about my sobriety and what life is like now.

Well, in four days it will be five months without booze, and nine months without weed. It’s a big milestone. I’ve been feeling a lot more positive without it. It took some adjusting the first three sober months. I was missing my old life of partying and hanging out with drinkers. But then I started getting used to it. And being interested in other things. I started driving a lot more because I was sober and therefore allowed to drive all the time! It was pretty wicked, I would go on long drives with my cousin Deanna and check out places of the city that I didn’t usually go, like across the river from the Regional Psychiatric Centre. Which incidentally is where Karla Holmolka was once. And I think Paul Bernardo too. Maybe. Anyway, besides that, recently as I have mentioned I really got into my knitting. And drinking teas. All kinds of teas, Earl Grey, Pomegranate and Egyptian Mint, Chamomile, Raspberry Zinger, Blueberry, Good Night Tea. I’ve really gotten into tea drinking. I am thinking of making my own London Fogs too.

I’ve gone to NA, which wasn’t really a fit with me. I’ve gone to Concurrent Disorders. I’ve talked with my psych nurse about my sobriety. I have made plans to go back to school to learn screenwriting. That’s a big step because it involves moving to Toronto, my last of the Big Three, as in the Big Cities of Canada. There’s Calgary and Winnipeg I guess too, but they don’t have the same hype around them as Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. And I have already lived in Vancouver and Montreal. Montreal was mean, at least if you are a psych patient. I have heard mixed things about Toronto for psych patients/survivors. On one hand there is a lot being done in terms of mad activism. On the other hand I have heard negative things about the psych wards there. I’ll have to look into it.

I’m applying for jobs again. I just need to make decent cash in my last year of living here so I can save up money for school and moving. Anyway, that’s a big step too. It would kinda suck having a job to go to five days a week, but it would also be nice to have a little financial stability.

I’m on the alert for potential partners. I don’t know where I will meet somebody, since I haven’t gone to the gay bar since May. But I never met good girlfriends in bars anyway. I met them through friends or at school or work. I could meet someone somewhere new though, I mean really, who knows? My psychic says around now I should be getting into my next serious relationship. Or in November. But it depends on me. That whole showing my soft side thing. My gooey innards.

I am excited about the prospect of leaving my Mum’s house, in fact of leaving this city altogether. I’m starting to get irritated by dramatic cousins and the interpersonal shit that goes on with them. I’d like to just be far away and have my own friends and get on with being 35 (which is the age I will turn next year). I think it would be nice to get some distance from my family. They can really stress me out. I think Mum does too much stuff for people, but she won’t change. It just worries me that it’s gonna wear her out and lead her to an early grave!

Anyway, my sobriety is important. It’s helped me make some major changes in my life. And I’m not sad about not being able to party anymore. I’d like to make some more friends who don’t want to go to the bar all the time. It would be nice. One thing I miss is knowing which friends actually like spending time with me sober and which ones only wanted to hang out so we could all get drunk. Sometimes I am not sure. I’m spending a lot of weekend nights at home. That kinda sucks. It would be nice to go out and do things.

I’ve been making pies and tarts and muffins. It’s been fun. I need to make more things. Baking has been really lovely because at the end there is something yummy to eat.

One thing that sucks is how poor I am these days. I need to make more money. I know I can, I just have to work harder.

Tomorrow I am helping a friend make a video, so I should go to bed now.

Well I have a lot more energy these days and I am in a pretty good mood. My libido is still mostly absent, but I have some hope it will return. Today I finally finished my scarf. Last night I finished knitting the last few inches and cast off, and today after purchasing some yarn needles I sewed in all the loose ends. I wore it a few times outside while smoking, it is SUPER warm! 😀 Yay yay yay! I’m pretty happy with it, I have finally finished my knitting project! Next I am doing dishcloths, and then after a bit of practice I am moving on to knitting myself a hat! I might do it using the perl stitch, because I have to learn that.

I actually cleaned my room today. If you know me you would know that is quite a feat! I did the laundry, swept, washed the floor, sprayed an enzyme down that eats dog urine odor, and decluttered the area of my room that was just covered with boxes and books and random shit! I’m trying to properly housetrain Mister, because even though he goes outside all the time he still sneaks off and pees in my room. And Mum’s room, and the kitchen, and the office. Never the bathroom, oddly enough.

I also want him to be a good roommate for if I live with someone in Toronto. He’s a really sweet dog, he just has that flaw. But I have been reading about housebreaking an adult dog, and it seems simple enough as long as I can be consistent.

I have high hopes for my future these days. I feel like I had been at loose ends for a long time, really aimless. And now I feel like things might finally come together for me. I’m applying to school, I applied for a job today, I am knitting, I am starting to take care of things around the house like cleaning. I feel like I have turned a new leaf since I quit drinking and drugging. I am starting to care about things again, whereas before I would just use until I didn’t care anymore. It’s a good feeling.

I have work in the morning, but it is supposed to snow, which means we won’t be able to find needles. So I am dubious it is going to happen. But I should still go to bed early. I’m not sure what I should do. Right now I am drinking tea. I could knit, but I don’t know if I feel calm enough. My mind is busy. I hope I don’t go manic, that’d suck! Maybe knitting is a good idea, it would help still my mind. I have been thinking about getting into meditation. I have a yoga mat I could sit on while I do it. It would be really good for my bipolar disorder.

Well, I think I am gonna surf the web and read self helpy webpages. I used to go across the street to Chapters when I lived on South Granville and sit in the self help section reading. It was awesome! 😀

UGH! One of my cousin’s sent me this totally aggressive message on facebook about how I needed to shut it about my alcoholic roommate. So I unfriended him and blocked him. I don’t appreciate men telling me what I can and can’t talk about, it’s really paternalistic and offensive! Besides that, my facebook is where I get support from people, it pisses me off when members of my family want me to cut off that outlet.

There are some really weird things that happen in a family riddled with substance abusers. There is this pervasive shame around it and silence, and if you break the silence then people get really pissed off. Because it also makes them have to look at themselves. And people don’t like looking at their own substance abuse issues. And there is also a whole slew of codependents and enablers and all kinds of things going on. It really sickens the whole family system. I’m really tired of it. And I am starting to look forward to getting out of the city for good. I don’t like being around this shit. I feel like it is adding stress to my life that isn’t healthy. And Mom’s talking about Steven living here next May!!!!! So I don’t think he is going to leave at all. I think I have to live with him until I move next August. Which is really frustrating. Some days he is a really good roommate, funny, helpful, charming. I like him those days. Then other days he is just an asshole! It’s the whole alcoholic rollercoaster that I am sick of.

Anyway, I have no choice around him, I can’t get away from him because I can’t move out of my Mom’s house yet. I’m stuck with him. And it’s really unhealthy and frustrating and it’s been a year with him now with very little improvement. I still feel like he is using us. But really, what I wanted to talk about in this post was being pissed off with my other cousin for trying to tell me what I can and can’t write about. It’s so infuriating. If he feels shame reading about Steven then he can just fuck off. I need to talk about what it is like to live with a very active alcoholic. And it’s not even like I do talk about him all the time, I rarely talk about him. But he does live with me, so shit is gonna come up. And if he doesn’t want me talking about him falling off the wagon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over then he can move out! No one’s keeping him here! If he was a drunk somewhere else I wouldn’t mention it because it wouldn’t be impacting my life. But it DOES impact my life! For instance his last drunk he took 35 dollars worth of our meat to a friends house to eat. That’s a lot of money! And we can’t afford to feed his friends while he is on a drunk! That kind of stuff makes me angry!

I think this whole idea of shutting up women to hide family secrets is sick. I’m not going to listen to a man tell me what to do. That’s one of the myriad reasons I am a lesbian, so I don’t have to listen to a stupid man!

Anyway, UGH!

Well, I should go knit. I am nearly done this ball of wool, then I move on to the next ball until my scarf is long enough! And then I am making dishcloths! I am giving a few away as Christmas presents. I’m gonna try not to buy Christmas presents this year for anyone but Mum and Sky. There’s too much expectation around Christmas.

Oh gawd! Christmas! I hope there isn’t obvious alcohol in our house this Christmas. Last Christmas Eve Steven got spectacularly drunk on a whole bottle of Limoncello. It kinda fucked up our Christmas. And Christmas is always kind of a fucked up holiday anyway! When I get a partner I’m just having Christmas with her, there’s too many family members involved in our Christmases at my Mom’s. I love my family, but they expect too much of my Mom.

It’s 3:17 in the friggen morning and I am not asleep yet! I got home from Prince Albert just before 1, so I am kind of wired. Mum basically just went straight to bed. She was exhausted. We went for my screening in this two spirited festival up there. My video was the VERY LAST thing of the whole night! People who stayed really liked it, so it seemed. Someone even told me if he had millions of dollars he would give it to me so I could make my tv show.

On the ride home my mom and I threw around some ideas for my television series. I have a really good idea for the character of the narrator. I think it could be funny! Yay! We also went down the road of wondering why I have had such bad luck with Canada Council juries these last three years. I really don’t know. It’s pretty frustrating. I didn’t even get a highly recommended this year, they must have HATED IT! I just want to win the lottery already and not have to depend on the whims of a funding agency. I’ve thought about crowdfunding, but I don’t know if enough people care about my work to make any money. Plus I would need some pretty substantial dollars.

I got a call from my psychiatrist today, we’ve been playing phone tag for the last week. Since my prolactin is elevated, she thinks it is the risperidone and she wants to lower it another milligram. So now the morning dose is out, just a little epival and wellbutrin in the morning and epival, risperidone, and iron at night. Along with my ranitidine twice a day. So we shall see what happens. She asked if I was still not smoking pot and I said yes. She said it was very important that I not smoke any pot otherwise we’ll have to raise my risperidone levels again. My mum laughed about that, she said “You can either smoke pot and be sexless and diabetic, or you can be clean and healthy!” Ha ha ha! It’s true though. My moods have evened out a lot without weed, I was never a good judge about it making me psychotic or not. Although I remember just before I quit I noticed my thoughts would get really out of control while I was high! I was starting to hate it, and I was addicted so I kept needing it, but it was really fucking me up in the head. Whoever thinks pot is harmless is an idiot. It really messes with your brain. ESPECIALLY if you already have a mood disorder. It wasn’t always like that. But it got worse and worse as years went on. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been Bipolar 1 without having smoked marijuana. It’s a big difference from Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is when you go into psychosis, and THAT is a very dangerous space to be in. Not to mention it seems to take forever to recover from.

Mum asked me in the car home what I was going to do my next video about. She said “What are you thinking about these days?” I thought about it, and I guess my sobriety has taken up a lot of my brain space lately. It’s not just about something I USED to do, it’s also about what my life has become since and what I am doing differently now. My psych nurse told me she wanted me to work through my emotions more now. She brought up a good point which was that before I would avoid them by smoking a joint. My risperidone is apparently one of the reasons I can’t really cry, so lowering it might bring back that ability. Which would be nice, actually. My psychic told me the first time I saw her that I have to cry more. It’s really hard!

I used to be able to cry so easy. I feel like I have hardened up since then. Like I don’t WANT to cry because it signals weakness or some nonsense. I know it’s really healthy to cry, it just feels like I can’t get there! When I first quit weed I started feeling all these old emotions, even stuff about my late cousin who died in 2006! BUT I didn’t cry.

I’m tired. I should go to bed. Anyway, yeah, I need to make all these med changes before I go to Toronto. I need to be stable for a good six months before I leave. I am stable now, but we don’t totally know what reducing my antipsychotic will do. I’ll know we have to up it or go on a different one if I start hearing music in white noise even when I have taken my meds. That’s a pretty clear indicator. It’s one of my early warning signs and I’ve been able to note it and still have insight into my condition. Sometimes when you go crazy you stop believing you are crazy or that you have ever been crazy. Everything seems real, even when it’s intensely impossible weird shit. So, watching out!

Today was an okay day. We drove out to Muskoday for a funeral. Uncle Doug and my Mom had a bunch of interesting conversations in the truck. The funeral was super Christian because the cousin who died was born again. It reminded me of how different my mom’s funeral will have to be because she is an atheist. That being said, I want my mom around for a long long time. I’m so close with her.

After the funeral we drove back to town and went straight to a steak night being held to help cover costs of my mom’s student’s son’s funeral that was held this summer. We bought door prize tickets and fifty fifty tickets, but we didn’t win anything. And that was okay really because all the money helps that family out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. I am really excited about the screenwriting MFA program at York. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get accepted. I’d be really sad I think. And I don’t know if I would still move or not. Although I have a strong feeling I will be moving to Toronto.

Little Mister and I went for a walk yesterday, that was really nice. I am gonna take him on another walk tomorrow. I need to get him out of the house more so that Hermione isn’t so sad when he is away from her. They are really going to miss each other when I move away with him. They are best buddies with each other. I think I am going to have to find some little dog friends for Mister in Toronto to have play dates. He’s really shy and snotty of new dogs though, which is why they have to hang out with each other for a while before he will start to play.

I think I would make a good scriptwriter. I could have a lot of fun with it. And sometimes I could direct. It fits the best with me anyway.

I ran into an old friend from my queer youth days, Tara. She was setting up the karaoke system at the bar where the steak night was being held. I gave her my card, hopefully we will go for coffee. It would be super nice if she could introduce me to eligible bachelorette lesbians! I’m trying to circulate more. The astrologer I always read says we should circulate if we are looking for partners, so I am trying! I can’t believe it’s been over five years without a girlfriend. So sucky! I had a couple summer flings with one woman, but now she doesn’t want to talk to me. And it never counted as a relationship anyway. Even though I wanted one with her. She kinda broke my heart. I feel like I am getting over her, although I still miss our friendship, the platonic parts of it. Good friends are hard to find.

My alcoholic roommate isn’t moving out, and isn’t getting much better either. He’s supposed to get into a day program by the end of the month or he is getting kicked out, but I don’t know if there will actually be any follow through, on either his or my mom’s part. He seems to be using the fact that he has a son to stay here, which kinda pisses me off. We’re not running a charity. And he isn’t at all serious about being sober, he still drinks at least once a week. He says he is serious about quitting but I think he only says that so he can stay here. Really I still want him out. Realistically I think the only way I will be able to not live with him is when I move to Toronto next fall. Unless I won the lottery tonight, in which case I will move next month and buy a house there and say a big fuck you to him! And take my dog and cat and live happily ever after. He’s causing a lot of stress in this house and I don’t know why my mom is so wishy washy about the whole damn thing. She used to have a spine, it just disappeared when that damn baby showed up.

Damn babies!

He got drunk last night on a mickey and a bottle of coke. This wouldn’t have bothered me so much except he kept trying to get me to drink his stupid coke and I think it was spiked and he was just trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Such an asshole! I like my sobriety, it’s been really nice to have and I like that I am not wasting money on booze and drugs anymore. He also keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him, which also pisses me off because a) I don’t drink anymore, and b) he is an annoying asshole to drink with because he goes on and on about his emotions and his past history of violence with women and one time while he was drunk he even confessed to killing something. Not a human. But it was still disturbing. I don’t trust him.

Anyway, UGH!

And also part of me is starting to move towards spirituality. I am not sure how it’s going to manifest yet. I don’t see it as a particularly Christian spirituality. Maybe something where Buddhism, Pantheism, and Aboriginal Spirituality all intersect. But either way, I feel like I want to find a spiritual practice. I don’t want to pray, because I don’t believe in prayer. I believe in taking personal action to achieve one’s aims. That being said I am going to be burning a green candle soon for prosperity. Which is pretty witchy and close to a prayer. But anyway, I don’t know what my spirituality is becoming. It’s almost meditative to knit, I like that. Real meditation and me don’t work very well, I haven’t found a way that speaks to me yet. I’m too interested in reading or writing or otherwise being productive. I guess creative output could be a type of spirituality. And maybe reading about Buddhist principles could help too. I have some really good books I could reread to remind myself why I like that religion. Also I am not sure if I want to be solitary in my spirituality or if I need community. A lot of religions are based on community, but I like being alone a lot. Then again, I do want to meet eligible bachelorettes, so maybe going to the Buddhist temple is a good idea after all. Or there is a meditation class at Positive Passions. Hmmm.

I could also get back into Yoga. I got a mat. I could buy some of the other things too, the blocks and stuff. There is a yoga show that comes on television every morning, I just haven’t gotten up that early. Getting up early might be a good idea. I’m such a night owl though. I really like writing early early early in the morning, before drifting off into a sweet sleep. Like now.

Anyway, this year has really been about finding balance. I’m not there yet. But I am working on it!

Tonight I watched television and knitted. I got a whole bunch more done. I think I can finish my scarf in a couple weeks or less if I really work on it. It’s really nice to knit again, so meditative! I get in this zone and listen to what’s on tv. Actually, maybe I should start listening to podcasts and knitting. I have a bunch of Coast To Coast AM I can listen to while I knit. That would be fun.

I wrote down that list of 100 things in 20 minutes. It actually took me about 26 minutes. A few were places I want to travel. A few were things I wanted to buy. A lot were about making feature films and television shows. And winning awards from them. One was wanting to have a retrospective in a major gallery. And a few were about wanting to fall in love and get married. I didn’t have kids on there, I mean, I didn’t say I wanted kids. I guess it’s not a very high priority with me. I feel like if I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who wanted kids I could adjust, but if I had my druthers I think I would prefer to remain childless. My dog and cat are good enough for me! They are both curled up beside me snoozing. Little sweeties.

I am supposed to find a serious relationship next month or the month after, but I am not sure with who. I often worry there is nobody in town for me. And I am leaving anyway. And there aren’t many people on OK Cupid that I am interested in. Everyone seems to drink or be stupid in various ways. Or be poly, and I am so over that. And there are hardly any femme lesbians in my town on OK Cupid, maybe none! At least, none that show up in my matches. And there are a bunch with no pictures and so of course I cross those people off. Whatever. I don’t know why I want a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I have lost perspective on the whole thing. Being single for this long has really atrophied my desire.

Actually, I have noticed I get horny most often in my sleep. I often wake up wanting to masturbate but still being too tired to really get off. It’s kind of funny. I have horny dreams, but they are all about masturbating. I had a dream I was masturbating with a hammer. Not like, hammering myself! Just rocking on it. And then it magically turning into a cell phone! So weird! Anyway, my psychiatrist sent me off for blood tests to find out if my psych meds were raising my prolactin levels too high, which would account for the loss in libido, and the results came back saying YES they are too high. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks and then I guess we will come up with some sort of solution to resolve this issue. It really does frustrate me because I miss being horny on a more regular basis. It adds a certain delightful dimension to life that is currently lacking.

It’s hard to want something that you don’t care about. I want to care about desire again, I just DON’T! UGH! So annoying.

I think I knitted for three and a half hours today. I’m really impressed with myself.

I’m going to a funeral tomorrow for, a cousin I guess? I didn’t know her. But my mom and uncle are going so I am too. And then I am going to a steak night for a friend of my mom’s whose son died this summer. I only realized just now that both of these events are tied to death.

Next week I have a screening in Prince Albert for Boi Oh Boi! I am going up with my Mom and Deanna. We are going to try and get our secure status cards while we are there. They have all these fancy features on them! Yay!

I’m tired. I guess that is what happens when you stay up late watching tv and knitting. We rented Snow White And The Huntsman. It was alright. The evil stepmom was so evil! I wasn’t attracted to either of them though, none of them were my type! And as I said before I have next to no libido anyway.

Anyway, I’m off to bed. Maybe I will get horny in my sleep again!

I started knitting again today. I got a good inch done on my scarf, starting out slow and sweet. I am going to do an hour of knitting every day until this damn thing is DONE! Then I will finally have a scarf! Yay! It’s almost halfway done. I worked a lot on it last winter, then I gave up for a while. But I always kept it around! And Mom got me a knitting bag this summer at a garage sale! So I finally have something good to keep it in!

I am trying really hard to work on personal development. I made major strides in my life when I quit weed, and then drinking. For instance, I got my drivers license after I quit smoking up, and I started driving everywhere when I quit drinking. Because now I have no excuse not to drive. I’m not inebriated anymore. So driving is totally okay. It’s pretty awesome. But now I feel like I have plateaued, and I need to continue this upward trajectory. I grew pumpkins this summer, that was fun. We have ten of them! They aren’t massively big, but they are a decent enough size. Definitely big enough for pies and jack o’lanterns. They still need to turn orange, except for one that turned orange really early on. I read up on how to encourage them, one of the things they suggested was trimming the leaves around them so that they get more sun, so I did that today.

Anyway, gardening was a nice thing to do. Watching them progress. This evening I also finally harvested some wild sage that grew in our front garden. I bundled it up into a smudge and I’m drying it out. It smells really good! I feel like I need to do some spiritual things around the fact that there are clearly spirits attached to me, considering how often things move around on their own when I am in the room. I’ve seen plants move like something brushed by them, I’ve seen belts hanging up swing back and forth, I’ve seen my suitcase get disturbed like an animal is investigating it and tips it over, I’ve heard rustling where there shouldn’t be anything. It doesn’t scare me like it used to. I generally do not get negative vibes from the beings hanging around me. I feel like they just want to visit. I don’t know who they are, but I do know a number of people who have passed on. Carla Marie Powers, Jasmine Turner, Christopher Cuthand, Matthew O’Scienny. I feel like all of those people have moved on and found peace, but I can imagine it’s possible for them to come back to visit. I don’t know why they would. Some of them I feel would want to come see me more than others though. I could see Jasmine coming back, we were pretty close.

Anyway, I feel like I need to burn sage for them. And so having another smudge finally feels good. Something anyway. I was thinking of getting some incense too. Spirits like smells.

I’m trying to figure out other ways I could grow. I feel different now that I am not putting substances in my body, except for caffeine and nicotine. But I don’t want to give up caffeine yet. Anyway, I feel more like myself. Like the booze and drugs were making me someone else, and also drawing in bad spirits to me. Negative energies. And now there’s a chance for positive energies to reach me. But there must be something else. Something I could really love. I love writing, I’m trying to do it more. I bought Final Draft software a while ago but I haven’t used it too much. National Novel Writing Month is happening again soon. I might try again this year. There’s a really good piece of software for writing novels specifically called Scribe or something like that, I might get it and try it this time.

I was reading on this personal development website about how being self employed is way better than having a JOB job. It really spoke to me and made me more determined to stay on my path I am on. I also like the idea of getting creative royalties, passive income it is called. It would be nice to just make money continuously.

I didn’t make my sweet potato pie yet! Yikes! I read this other good advice for changing your life where you take 20 minutes and write out 100 things you want to do, no matter how crazy or unrealistic they may seem. And then at the end you put it away for a day and then look at it again and see how you can make some or all of those things happen. So I might do that tomorrow, I am too tired tonight.

It’s been an interesting few years. It seems that the big changes really happened for me this year though, which is kind of funny because there were all these people thinking 2012 would be the end of the world. I really just think that it opened up space for me to fundamentally change who I am. But now that I have sobered up, I feel like there needs to be something else to fill that space in my life. I’m not sure what. Meditation? Exercise? It would have to be something I find fun! I have to look at that. Cooking is fun because you can eat what you make. Knitting is fun because you can wear what you make. Clearly I like being productive. That’s a clue. It’s another reason I like writing, because I can go back and reread things and sometimes use things to make videos, which is my other favorite thing to do. Maybe I really need to make a festival or something here. It’s a little hard since I am moving away in a little under a year anyway.

I’m really liking having tea or coffee with my friends and visiting, it’s super fun. Conversations with folks are always good, I like getting into my feelings and stuff. I was a bad conversationalist when I was a stoner. I didn’t really care about anything. I was so unmotivated.

I still can’t believe that one ex said I have no ambition. I’ve always had ambition. It doesn’t mean I get funding, but the desire is there. I still have to ask the Canada Council why I didn’t get my grant. If they say it’s because my support material is too old I will flip out! My newer stuff isn’t in the same vein as the work I want to do, it’s experimental and doesn’t have actors, just me. And another time they didn’t give me the money because my support material wasn’t like what I want to do. I think juries hate me.

It’s getting colder here. I’m waiting for a frost to kill my pumpkin plants so I can harvest them. Today I was going to make Chilean Empanadas but we didn’t have enough flour for the dough. I went fishing with a couple of friends who moved to town, that was fun! We went down to the river. Didn’t catch anything, but that was okay.

I had a dream recently that I was thinking about an ex and ended up crying because she dumped me when I went crazy. It was such a bummer dream! Stupid ex. Anyway, oh, and I also keep dreaming about masturbating, which is kind of funny. Because that’s something I’m not doing much of these days.

I am feeling much more sure about my future, even though I won’t know for sure I am in Grad school until April. I guess I just feel like I can take my life in a slightly different direction. It would be nice to write scripts and get them produced. I don’t know what kind of living I would make though. I suppose I could be a sessional too. A little bit of everything.

I’m in a show in Prince Albert this month, that will be kind of fun. Maybe I will meet a cutie pie! I have decided that I am going to buy sealing wax and a custom dachshund seal for my future love letters I will write to my future girlfriend! Yay!

A few days later:

It’s Saturday now. I drove my Cuz Deanna around for a few hours tonight, it was super fun! We drove all around town, not so much on the west side, we just went along Spadina almost out of town and also through Downtown. We went to Diefenbaker and Stonebridge and 8th Street and Sutherland and it was super fun. I wiped out on the patio under her apartment and scraped my knee and a little bit of my hand. It hurt! Owiya!

My Mum thinks I shouldn’t take Mister with me when I move to Toronto, she thinks he needs to be with his pack. But I need him! He keeps me sane! She is worried he will be responsible for me losing my housing, with his barking and bathroom issues. I am going to have to work on him. I need to read up on dog psychology. We have almost no carpeting left in the house because he kept peeing. Damn! Anyway, I AM worried about the peeing thing. I am going to start crate training him. He needs to be in a place where he feels safe and doesn’t need to be on guard watching the house. I don’t want him to cry for me either. Poor little sod. If I could have it my way he would come with me everywhere. But he’s not a real service dog, so he can’t. He does really like Mom’s dogs, but he also misses me a lot when I am gone. He loves me the best out of everyone.

I really have to start working on my scholarly paper about lesbian spectatorship and subtext in mainstream television. I’ve decided to focus on television, because that’s really where a lot of the shippers turn to. I want to include a little bit about Marceline/Princess Bubblegum because there is some lesbian subtext in Adventure Time. I need to see more episodes! So far I have watched all the way to almost the middle of Season Three. We don’t have Cartoon Network here so I can’t see new ones. I’ve got to start watching my Star Trek Voyagers again too I guess, I taped all the ones that have subtext in them. They are in a box somewhere! I also wanted to talk about slashy fan fic and the creation of alternate narratives as an extension of lesbian spectatorship. I had better start sourcing some academic writings to back up my points. There’s tons written about it, I just have to find it.

So, dog training, academic writing, blah de blah. I am busy with all of that. I am also trying to go through this blog to pull out essays for a book. It’s been kind of funny, because my writing style is so weird and sometimes I make good points and sometimes I write like I am picking my nose. At least that is how it feels to me.

I am going for coffee with my old gym buddy tomorrow, and in the afternoon I am going to try and make Sweet Potato Pie, if I can. I really want to. I love Sweet Potato Pie. I think I will name my daughter Sweet Potato. Either that or I will start calling Little Mister “Sweet Potato Man!”

After a long period of thought and consideration, I have decided to apply to York after all, but not for Film Production, I am going to apply for Screenwriting. It’s supposedly the only MFA in screenwriting in Canada! I’ve been looking in to what to do about this one semester I got all F’s! It was because I basically just ran away from school and didn’t do any work because I was starting to go crazy, and then I dropped out and moved to Montreal, where I ended up in a psych ward. BLAH! Anyway, it’s really impacted all the other times I have applied to Masters programs, and I think it’s booted me out of being seriously considered for their programs. Luckily, York has a modified admissions process for people with mental health disabilities. I can write 500 words about my disability and how it impacted my grades, and include a letter from my psychiatrist. And so hopefully they will look at my grades outside of that one bad semester, because I did get good grades otherwise.

Anyway, as part of the screenwriting portfolio they want to see a feature screenplay, so I am going to include Bunnyhug! And for my thesis I can either write a feature or a television series. I’m thinking I am going to write a television series! I have the idea for it already! I’ve actually been thinking about this idea for a long time. It’s gonna be a comedy.

The reason I think I would do better in the screenwriting program is because I really like writing and I think I would have more fun honing my ability to tell a story than just learning how to make a film. They also have some production classes you can take in the screenwriting program anyway. And some Cinema and Media Studies classes. I think it would be a better fit with me.

Anyway, that is what I have been thinking about. I bought some sweet potatoes today, gonna make a pie! I’ve never made a sweet potato pie before, but I discovered I really like them, so I want to learn! I’m totally getting domestic these days! I ate some of my homemade freezer jam tonight, which was nice. Totally sucks how runny it is tho!

I’m doing alright with my sobriety from pot and drinking. It’s almost eight months for being weed free. And it will be four months or something without booze on the 18th. I should look into when I quit. Was it may? I have it on my facebook. I’m still struggling with quitting smoking, that seems to be the hardest one to quit. It’s pretty addictive, more so than the other ones I think.

So anyway, for my masters application, which is due in January, I have to get a scholarly article written, a portfolio of my videos, and a writing portfolio. I also need transcripts, a letter from my doctor, a statement of interest, and that 500 words about my disability. I’m going to apply for some scholarships and bursaries too. I will hopefully get something.

I’m just worried about moving to Toronto. I’ll need money to move, I’ll have to get a new iPhone because this one is locked to Sasktel, I’ll have to get my dog properly housetrained so he doesn’t pee on rugs, and I’ll have to find a decent place to live that isn’t crazy expensive, but is also in a nice neighborhood. I’m worried I won’t have enough money to live out there. I don’t know how much Little Pine pays for living allowance these days, but I am sure it’s not much, and my family can’t afford to support me this time. I might have to get a part time job or something. We’ll see what happens. A company I used to work for in Vancouver has another office in Toronto, I might be able to work there. It’s call centre work, blah! But that might be okay if it gets me a little bit of money to get through school for two years. And in my second year I can be a TA and make a little bit of money doing that. I think they get paid anyway.

My psychic told me in my first reading I had with her that I would move to Toronto, so it does seem likely that I will end up there. Just with the cultural events there alone there is so much happening. That would be really nice to be around, again. I do miss big city living sometimes.

I’ll miss my mom a lot though. We’re really close. It’s been nice living in the same city these last few years. And it’s been nice seeing my sister so much and my grandparents, I will miss that too! But I feel like I have some kind of destiny I have to fulfill.