So anyway, Happy Easter all my readers! It has been a while since I wrote. Let’s see, what is new? Well, I have another job, not a JOB job but some work for my company. It’s pretty exciting, I am looking forward to getting started. Work work work! Gonna be about 20 to 25 days of work, and will help me pay off some debts and go to Germany and get through the summer without resorting to Welfare. Hooray! 😀

I drove all the way deep into the westside today to pick up my older sister Sky and bring her home. She thought it was pretty funny that I was driving. At first she was annoyed Mum wasn’t there to pick her up, but she got over it. Then Steven drank all the wine last night meant for Sunday dinner, so I drove to two liquor stores, which were both closed, then went to the offsale, then went out to the reserve for cheap smokes. I am trying to come up with a good quit date soon. Before my birthday.

I forgot a few morning meds last week, which made me moody. But this week I have been pretty good at taking them, except for one day. Saturday morning I forgot.

Thursday night I got spectacularly drunk with my cousins as it was Deanna’s last night in town. I was so exhausted the next day. Then I was a designated driver on Friday night and took my friend Laurel to four bars! I drank pepsi and coke and one red bull. Actually I was exhausted the day after that too!

Baby got attacked by his dog a week and a half ago. He looks much better now, but when it first happened he was so red and oozing blood out of his nose and his lip was drooping so much because it was so swollen. Never leave your child alone with a dog, no matter how well you think you know that dog! The vet wants to get the dog fixed and give it to a different home. I dunno. I still think it would be better to put it down. He’s 11 years old! And the injuries he inflicted on Baby were pretty bad! 18 stitches! Did you know they give children morphine and ketamine for injuries on little children like that? I did not know they used ketamine.

Anyway, Baby is still a happy go lucky kinda kid. Today Mister was kissing me and Baby said “Dog bites lip!”

I got my grant sent away. Three grant applications in three years. I dunno! We will see what happens. I hope no traditionalist tries to stomp on my dreams! Traditionalists are to Indian Country as Fundamentalists are to Christians. They seem to be exceedingly conservative and homophobic. And they are always trying to tell other Indians how to be a real Indian.

I hate when people try to define what is a real whatever. Real lesbians, Real Women, Real Indians, Real this real that. Really just shut the front door! Humph!

I still haven’t had my date yet, BUT there are murmurings that next weekend she’s gonna come up here and we are going to sit in my hot tub and drink lovely drinks and maybe make out? I hope! So I guess we’ll see what happens.

I’m doing good. I was weakening on my resolve not to have any pot on Thursday night, but oddly enough my cousin who’s a major chronic and says anti-marijuana facts are a government conspiracy talked me out of smoking up with them when I was drunk and wanted to. THEN the next day I found a roach in my raincoat pocket from last year and I threw it in the garbage! Woot!

So that’s still good. It was eleven weeks last Wednesday at noon since I smoked up last! ELEVEN WEEKS! I should have got my 60 day chip already, but I haven’t been going to NA. I haven’t been going to concurrent disorders either. They weren’t running it this last friday anyway, but I really should go. It helps. I don’t go to the bipolar group, I am thinking maybe I should again. It was pretty nice. Except they say eating nuts makes you fat. A lot of people with bipolar worry about their weight because the meds pack on pounds. I don’t mind being fat, although I have shrunk a bit. Being fat is kinda sexy!

Actually being fat is really sexy, I really like bigger girls. They are more curvy and delicious!

But any size can be sexy, it all depends on the personality.

Velveeta was skinny and she’s pretty sexy. I should give her a call! I should also call Stef. And Robin. And Lynn. I wonder if any of them would be into skyping sometime? OOh, and Margaret. I have to make my rounds with my long distance friends.

I think my business might just work out. I guess I will find out soon! According to my psychic it will improve. I just have to FOCUS! She even said I could have it in two locations later on if I wanted. I am considering getting a partner to run it here in Saskatoon while I open another location in Toronto. But that’s still a ways off!

My Mum just told me I looked like a nerd the way I was typing. Thanks I guess?

Today I drove Grandpa to City Hospital for his CAT Scan. We passed these prolifers with signs that said “Women DO regret their abortions!” Grandpa grumbled and said “I don’t think women DO regret their abortions!” We were in the car so they didn’t hear him, but I heard him and I was happy! Grandpa has righteous politics! Then we went inside and got him through admitting and went to the medical imaging area and the woman who worked behind the desk was really bitchy because Grandpa is partially deaf and didn’t understand her right away. I was annoyed with her, sheesh! She should be used to dealing with elderly deaf people. Pisses me off. Then we sat in Waiting Room Four and Grandpa had to drink Contrast Dye and he said “I don’t want to, it’s going to go right through me!” But he did of course. He had to answer some questions to screen him before they injected him with Contrast dye and one was “Are you pregnant and/or breastfeeding?” He said “I can’t answer that question!” We agreed NA was probably the best answer.

Then I drove him to the Cancer Centre for his radiation treatment.

La la la!

It’s nice being able to drive him around. And I did save him one day when he was stranded at Market Mall because his car wouldn’t start!

I have realized that Rheanne AND Ivana, my exes who won’t talk to me, both have cats as their profile pictures. What’s that all about? Are cat lovers contraindicated in my romantic life?

Romantically things are, developing. I am going down to Regina next week, so I might have a date while I am there. THAT would be exceptionally nice. I’m not really expecting sex, but some making out would be sweet! I love making out! We’ll see! I still have my very very far away crush, it’s been sweet too. Not much in the way of flirting, but we have had some pretty good conversations on Chat on Facebook. I like being able to talk with someone who has a lot of similar interests, BUT is femme! Then again, my closest friends have almost ALL been femmes. And also, they become close friends because I usually have a crush on them to begin with before we settle into platonic friendship!

I have been scouting out possible Masters programs in Toronto. Right now I am heavily leaning towards York. I feel like it would teach me the most. But I am probably also going to apply to OCAD and U of T and maybe Ryerson.

I’ve been working hard on my grant! I’ve got most of it written and I did the treatment and I have been working on the budget! I think it will be ready to be mailed away on Monday! It better be, because that is the deadline! My final report was approved so I totally can go ahead with this grant application. Hurrah!

And now, I think it is time for bed. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, miles better than waking up at 2 in the afternoon like the day before. Let’s hope I can keep this up tomorrow!

One of my close friends is leaving next week for greener pastures in Montreal. I am going to miss her! Today I got to drive her to Tim Hortons for a double double. The first time I drove her around! She texted and told me where to turn and it was lovely. We were originally supposed to go for ice cream together, but it’s been snowy and not really ice cream weather.

I don’t think I’ll write much in this post. I went and saw my friends the Seahags perform at Amigos tonight, which was fun. They are too expensive though, Amigos. Cover was 8 bucks and the beers start at 6.25 bucks for a pint. I guess that is the going rate now, geez I remember when it was five bucks. What happened? Inflation!

The cat is in a perfect spot on the bed right now, way down on the right hand bottom corner. Good! Often she bookends me along with the dog and makes getting comfortable awkward.

I can’t think of something intelligent to write about. All the things I want to talk about are best kept quiet and only written in my diary, because they are situations which still need to simmer over a period of time, possibly a very long period of time. Love is sort of like that. And even then I don’t know if anything will happen. Life changes pretty quick.

I am tired. I am going to sleep.

I wrote a facebook message to my ex Ivana, she never wrote back. I told her I wouldn’t write her again unless she wrote me with like, a question or something. So that is that. I feel better for apologizing, but I also feel sad that she doesn’t want to talk to me. But it’s not like that is a new situation, she hasn’t wanted to talk to me for a while.

Oh blast it! Beatrix moved up the bed to the spot I hate having her sleep in! Bugger bugger bugger~!

Today I was having a chat with my favorite far away friend (like really far) when I found myself writing “I am thinking of moving to Toronto.” And I was happy to see her write that she has been pondering the same city.

Anyway, Saskatoon has been nice, I guess, except there isn’t a lot of short queer film being screened here (hardly any!), and there isn’t a lot of queer culture, and I am starting to miss being influenced by radical queer politics that happens in larger urban centres. In short I miss big city living. I miss having a larger community of like minded folks. Toronto has a Queer film festival and an Indigenous film festival and several small festivals and events and you can see nipples AND drink a beer at the same time. Here everyone has to have pasties on. And pasties are glamourous, but not as splendorific as a nice naked nipple.

I was going to stay here until my grandparents died, but they are still chugging along and I have been here six years now and I don’t think I should make decisions that are dependent on them dying. Besides, I will still come back every so often and for the major holidays like Christmas and . . . well just Christmas. NO I will come in the summer too.

And anyway I won’t be leaving right away, I will probably stay here until at least the end of June 2013. Something could change my mind. But if I got my grant and was in post production, well that would give me a decent financial cushion for moving to a new city. And there are lots of jobs in Toronto, with the aforementioned festivals and other places. Culturally it is a happening city. And it’s just a place where I feel there would be more opportunities for me. More clients for my business, more places I could get a job job. More places to meet women and there would be an actual Butch-Femme community and I wouldn’t feel like the only only one anymore. I miss being in a Butch-Femme community, Saskatoon has some Butch-Femme couples to be sure, but hardly anyone who really identifies with those labels and embraces them and is willing to fuck with them a bit. I guess I am too old school or something, which is funny because in Vancouver I wasn’t old school at all, I was whatever non-old school butches are. But here it’s like if you say you are Butch they think you are from the 50’s.

I hate to say it but I miss coming from a pool of butches and transdudes who are all chosen by the same Femmes for intimate encounters and potentially long term relationships, where we end up winking at each other because we share the same exes. Or current lovers. Or whatever.

Also, I am ready to fall in love. Like massively in love. And even though I am having some dates here, I am so used to feeling dismal about my chances here. I chased the same woman for almost six years! It was a waste of time. But I feel like there just wasn’t anyone else that could hold my attention as well as she did. Maybe I didn’t give the locals enough of a chance. Even my next date isn’t REALLY from here, she lives three hours away! So many of the lesbians here are shacked up and officially married, and I want to be an old married lady too!

I guess I should have a relationship that lasts longer than a year and a month first though. That is still my longest relationship to date. And now we don’t even talk to each other. Sometimes I look at her profile on Facebook and read the few lines that are public and wonder if she will ever have a picture of her face for her profile pic and not her cat. The irony, of course, is that when she and I dated she lived in Toronto and I lived in Vancouver and when we broke up it’s because I wanted one of us to move so we would be together and she dumped me because we weren’t in the same place and then she moved to Vancouver and I moved to Saskatoon.

And now I am moving to Toronto.

She was 28, I was 19, we were probably in different places in more ways than just geography. She was butch, believe it or not, at least that’s how she identified. The cutest soft butch ever! She was really the first girl I had sex with, like full on fucking and falling asleep and waking up to more fucking and falling asleep again and fucking some more. We were really sexually compatible except she wasn’t into BDSM. But she did orgasm denial scenes really well. With some coaching. I was her first female lover. YAY! I did have a female lover before her, and a male lover who was a friendly fuck that I had to end when he got attached. But those were just juvenile games compared to the sex I had with Butch Lady Lady. She was the first one who made me come all by herself. It’s hard for me to come with lovers at first, I’m too wound up and feel sheepish for asking them to get repetitive strain injuries. It’s like I have to get calibrated for lovers, cause once I have them all mapped out in my interior erotic landscape I can come in a decent amount of time with them.

Currently I do not have a specific person I think about when I am coming. It’s kind of depressing. I like when I have a favorite person to think about. When Ivana and I broke up I was really depressed because I still had to think about her when I masturbated and I felt like I didn’t have a right to anymore. And then even when I did think about her and come it would make me ache so hard not to be with her anymore.

To be honest, even when I have said all this stuff about Rheanne being the love of my life, probably the big love Thus Far was Ivana. She was the one who was there for me for a whole year and a month. It wasn’t a perfect relationship, there were a lot of things about it that were wrong, but she really was PRESENT and honest in a way that my first and last love wasn’t. She actually called me her girlfriend and was open about me with friends and, okay, she didn’t tell her mom about me because she was still in the closet. That was a problem. BUT she loved me as best as she could from four provinces away. And the sex was great. The sex was awesome.

I wish I could still talk to her. I behaved really inappropriately with her when I was drunk and after that she didn’t really want to be friends with me. I don’t blame her. I was uncooth. We were already broken up by that point. And it wasn’t my decision to break up. I took it really hard. That was a fucked up summer, so much shit happened that summer. The summer of 1998. Oh man! What a BAD summer!

I remember she came to visit that summer, after we broke up. I didn’t even have a photo of her, and I had been trying to imagine her from when I had seen her when we met and had all the great sex. And I saw this really cute dyke on Commercial Drive and my heart skipped a beat and I thought “Is that her?” I couldn’t remember! It was her. We went for dinner at Wazubees and she came over to my apartment and freaked out because she was sitting on my bed “I can’t believe I’m sitting on your bed!” and I wanted to kiss her and we kissed bunches of times. But no sex. No relationship. We never got back together.

She wanted a break from me and then we just never talked again. I wanted to, but like I said I behaved badly. I felt so guilty for being so bad, I still feel guilty. But I never got to have a conversation with her about it, never got to apologize.

I know I could. I know I should. It would ease my mind to tell her some of the things I have thought since we broke up, even though it is fourteen years later.

God, how old would she be now? 42! OMG! Turning 43.

I can’t believe it has been fourteen years.

Maybe I should do the classic Thirza thing, and write a long apologetic email to her. Because I miss her, and I should apologize, and because it would be nice to know her again, even if she is straight now or I don’t even know what. Who knows, maybe she has a husband? My friends would know. We have some of the same friends. It’s so awkward, I never know what to say when her name comes up. I really did love her once. And she broke my heart, and then I broke my heart. And it’s so conflicted. I don’t think we would get back together, I don’t think it would work. For one thing, there would be distance. Again. And that was the main trouble in the first place. For another thing she is older, and she usually made the rules in our relationship, like she decided when we would talk and I often didn’t feel like I had much input into the situation, because if I called her she would often wait the required two weeks before calling me back. It always seemed to happen in two week intervals, our phone calls. And I couldn’t handle that.

Ha ha, I had a dream after we broke up that she told me the only reason she dumped me is because of her long distance bill, and that if sprint had brought in unlimited long distance sooner we would still be together!

So sad!

BUT I have a faggy arty date at some point in the not too distant future! Life is not all doom and gloom. And of course if it got serious I would reconsider the whole “I’m moving to Toronto in 2013” thing.

2:23 am. Perfect time of day to write an apology email. WOuld you believe I only had two pints this evening?

Life has changed a lot since I got my license. I have driven alone finally. I drove my friend Laurel around. I drove my mom to work and drove home and drove back and picked her up. Today I drove my cousin and our propane tank to the Co-op to get filled. And every day when I have suspected I might drive, I avoid alcohol altogether. It’s been pretty decent, it might help me reduce my drinking, hurrah! I’ve been very serious about not drinking and driving, losing my new found independence would be terrible. I am really liking that I don’t have to depend on my Mom giving me a ride somewhere, now I just depend on her lending me the car!

I finally got my Final Report done for Canada Council for my travel grant I got last summer. I mailed it away yesterday. It was pretty basic, I didn’t write eloquently or anything, I just said the things it did for me and how I used it. Now I am working on a grant in Aboriginal Media Arts for my ultra low budget feature “film” which is actually a video but that doesn’t matter anymore since everything is being screened digitally now anyway. Plus I am shooting in HDV. I finished the production budget today and it adds up to EXACTLY what I can ask for before my living allowance is factored in.

I rewrote bits of Bunnyhug, I found a totally alternate script while I was looking for the most recent version, and I added bits of it to the final draft I had finished, because I think it adds to it. Of course when I am editing I can leave out what doesn’t work. And the parts I added aren’t going to add a whole bunch to the production budget. Just a couple scenes in the apartment and a scene on the street and a scene in a bar. Not a whole big change, I can add them to the other bar/street/apartment location shots I do. I am going to try and shoot in May/June of 2013. That’s a ways away. I also had to rewrite things so that it would be located in Saskatoon instead of Vancouver, because I can’t afford to shoot in Vancouver that is for sure. Some of the things would make more sense in Vancouver, like when two characters mention meeting at a lesbian strip show. But why not pretend Saskatoon has Lesbian strip shows?? May as well, it’s all fictional anyway!

I worked on my grant today, I got a substantial amount written, I am feeling good about it but looking for another pair of eyes to look at it. Just for confirmation of if I am on the right track or not.

Ha ha, my friend’s 2 year old, when she catches him doing something bad like dumping all the flour on the floor, will say “Mum, walk away.” Ha ha ha, that is the best thing I have heard ever!!!! So cute, that’s something I can imagine her saying when she was little!

My dating life has picked up a bit, I had one date and might have another date with someone else and might go on a date with the first person again and basically I am starting to get my feet wet in the local-ish dating pool. Actually one of my potential future dates lives in a different city, which is kinda sucky, BUT it’s in the same province and not that far away, which is bonus yay points! Which makes her local-ish. Not in a different province, and not in a different country on a different continent! Although I do still want a date with someone who lives rather far away. But some friendly hanging out is cool too, I’m not that fussy, I just like spending time with her. Anyway, no commitments to anyone yet, just hanging out and seeing where life takes me. Supposedly in eight to seven months I will end up in a serious relationship for a while, according to my psychic. Which would be nice.

I have something to confess! I have been sneaking smokes! :O I am climbing back on the no-smoking wagon. It’s not worth all the bad things I noticed about being a smoker. And one of my dates quit smoking and I would like to be equally quit and nice tasting if we kiss, so I want to stop again. Along with the fact that I am sitting in the waiting room of the cancer clinic everyday this week with my Grandpa, seeing all those people who used to be smokers and are now really sad and worried and unsure of their futures. It’s a wake-up call. Plus my great grandma on my dad’s side lived to be 99 or something like that, and my maternal Grandpa is 93 and my Grandma is 92, so I have the genes to live to my 90’s easy, and I should be careful of my body so I can make it to a great old age.

BUT I still haven’t smoked weed, even though yesterday I was around a friend who was puffing away and who probably would have smoked me down if I had said I was back to smoking up. But I really thought hard about my withdrawal period and how hard it was and knew if I took a puff it would lead me straight back to being a chronic.

I passed my Road Test!!! I am the proud holder of a Novice 1 Class 5 Driver’s License!!! 😀 I was so nervous before my instructor picked me up, but we drove around and then did two different possible routes that the examiner could take me on. When I would make a mistake we would go around the block and do it again. Then at about 3:15 he said we could keep driving or I could go get registered, I decided I was ready and registered. So he and I sat in the waiting room until the examiner came out and called me by my last name. Then we did the signal check and brake check and horn check. And we went for a drive!

And I did really good. I must have because I passed! My parallel park was good, and in the end she just told me to slow down on my turns and to brake a little sooner so that it wasn’t so jerky when I stop. But I passed!!! 😀 I went and paid my ten dollars to upgrade my license until the end of April (my birth month, when all the licenses normally expire). And they took another photo of me without my glasses for the photo id. I should get my new license in 10 days.

So now I am kind of stunned and excited! It wasn’t even as hard as I thought it would be! I’m glad I know exactly how to parallel park. My instructor told me he loves how I parallel park!

Such a good driving instructor, when I told him I passed he clapped and then told me “That’s three for three!” All three of his students taking the test today passed! That’s pretty good!

Anyway, tomorrow night I am borrowing the car for the first time to take me and a friend to get some ice cream! Ha ha, also I think it is snowing a shit ton tonight, which might make my plans change.

I’m so tired of being so stressed! I was so nervous about that damn test! Now it’s over, but I still have to be a good driver. I am going to keep practicing. There is a giant blindspot in my mom’s car, which kinda sucks. When I get a car I am going to be aware of that.

I have to think of other things I want to improve in my life. I quit smoking cigs and pot, got my driver’s license, now I just have to get a stable income and move out of my Mom’s house, eventually. Oh and get a wife. And a car. And a house. Mom says I am not a Neverbloomer I am just a late bloomer. Actually she says I am doing really well.

The next big tasks are to write a grant and first I have to write a final report. And that all has to be done by the end of the month. I also have to get some more contracts so I can get some cash for when I am in Germany this June and July! And when it warms up a bit I have to start working on my video about being butch.

I should really make another list of things to do. I love lists. I write them all the time! I need to do some writing in my private diary again.

This week I should be getting the Lifering Workbook, and on Sunday I am driving down to the Avenue Community Centre for the Secular Sobriety meeting. My first time! :O I hope it’s good.

So that was my day! I drove Mum and I home from Sky’s house, I don’t trust Mum’s directions anymore because she keeps mixing up her left and rights.

I have finally passed the six week mark of not smoking pot!!! I can pee in a cup and pass a drug test! 😀 I have no reason to pass a drug test, BUT I could! I went to my concurrent disorders group today and had a good session. That was good because I missed last week.

I have had another session with my driving instructor and learned FOOL PROOF parallel parking! I am really good at it! I used to SUCK at parallel parking but now I have learned! 😀 YAYYYYYY! A new skill! And that is what used to get me during my road tests! Mom and I practiced driving for an hour tonight all around downtown and at various places they take you on the road test. My turns are still too wide. Several times my mom was yelling “Right right right! Tight tight tight!” I’ve gone and parked in various parking lots, and I am excellent on the freeway (although I follow the speed limits which isn’t fast enough for most!).

My road test is on Monday at 3:45!!! Eeeeeeeeee! People have told me not to feel bad if I don’t pass it the first time, but my instructor and I feel like I can pass it, I just need to practice lots. Today when I was driving us home Mom went through the rules of borrowing the car. Put gas in it, pay all tickets, that kind of thing. When I get my license I am going to give up getting a bus pass and only get bus tickets. For those nights I am drunk and need to catch the bus home! I’m never going to drive if I feel like I am going to drink, and if I do ever fall off the weed wagon (god forbid!) I am not going to drive either. Only sober driving! I’m excited, some of my friends have already asked me to drive them around and we will get ice cream when I get my license. I want to go on a road trip this summer, although I will have to go with only my Mom and one other non-immediate family member the first six months. So maybe I will drive with one other person to a music festival in Winnipeg or something! I am losing my nervousness when I am driving, which is really nice. I feel a lot more confident, which is good for my upcoming road test.

If I do fail it I can keep practicing and try again in two weeks. Not the end of the world. BUT I really want to pass it, because I tried at least three times when I was a teenager before giving up. I am going to try every two weeks until I get it!

Even though that will suck up a lot of money. Well, to be honest it’s only 22 bucks or something like that for a road test. Not a lot of money. I can drink that in a night! I can cut back on drinks while I attempt to achieve freedom and being a grown up.

I used to feel so deficient not being able to drive. I used to have dreams about driving, where I knew I was doing something illegal because I wasn’t licensed and just drove off with my Mom’s car. Sometimes I would be driving from the passenger seat or the backseat, not IN the driver’s seat and so wildly out of control. I always felt guilty about my driving dreams because I knew I wasn’t supposed to drive.

BUT if I can get my license that will all change. Maybe I will even be sitting in the driver’s seat in my dreams, maybe I will feel in control and free!

I’m already getting confident driving. And I understand the dimensions of the car from the perspective of the driver’s seat now. I’m still not PERFECT in my lane alignments, but I am getting better. I realize I can be further left in a lane and still not crash into oncoming traffic.

I’m excited. My life will totally change when I get my license. I will be eligible for all kinds of jobs that require a driver’s license. I will be able to do errands on my own instead of roping my mom into driving me across town to fix my camera or whatever. I’ll be able to go take a drive and run errands for my grandparents. I’ll be able to take on half the driving when we go on road trips. It’s exciting!

When my Mom leaves town I can drop her off at the airport and do my driving and pick her up when she comes back from her trip, no more taxis or parking fees. Last time she parked we had to look all over the long term lot because she forgot where she parked! If Grandma needs something Mom can send me out to get it!

That all being said, I still love being a passenger. It’s nice to googly eye all over the place and not have to worry. But driving is fun, and I am sure the more confident I get the more I will want to drive. Mom is really liking being a passenger, although she fussed tonight when we were driving.

Anyway, UM! What else? Well, I have been stable since late 2007. That is a good thing to say. I haven’t been in the hospital since 2007 and that is pretty good. Five years this may! 😀 I haven’t been in a group home since August of that year either. SWEET! Being in a group home sucked, mostly because there wasn’t enough room for all my stuff, including my computer, which I am super attached to. I had to go to my Mom’s to use the internet, and I don’t think that’s very fair. I think everyone should have internet access. So yeah, hope I don’t have to go to a group home again.

Next week I see my psych nurse, a few days after my road test. I am hoping I will have super good news to give to her. I passed my six weeks, that was one thing I wanted to talk to her about. I had originally planned just on doing the six weeks clean, but now I want to go further. I feel like so much has gotten better. I want to see how much better it will get. I realize there are still gains to be made in being clean from weed, 3 months is better, and 6 months is even better than 3 months. And someone told me even a year later is loads better than just six months. So I am going to see.

I still feel kinda lonely. I still want a girlfriend. And I still only have one crush, which is rather hopeless even though I will see her again this summer. I don’t think I could get rid of all my crushes, it’s kinda sweet to have someone who’s pictures you like to creep on facebook and sigh at how cute she is. She is cute. I’d totally be down for something serious if only it wasn’t so hopeless. Who knows though, maybe someday circumstances will change for us and it will be a possibility.

On Wednesday I will make it to six weeks without a puff!!! 😀 I am excited! Although apparently it will still be another month and a half or so before my withdrawals are really over. And it will take a year altogether to get over being a chronic for so long. Tuesday will be twelve weeks without tobacco, so that’s cool! I was tempted to ask for a puff tonight, a puff of the green stuff, but I resisted and felt decent afterwards. Going through that withdrawal period sucked, I don’t want to go through it again.

I ordered a workbook from LifeRing, the secular sobriety organization. I should get it in five to ten days. I hope I get it Friday. I’m ready to work through my addiction issues. I think it would help me. I also have a book somewhere with exercises I can do as someone with concurrent disorders, but I don’t know where it is.

I have a new Tarot deck!!! 😀 I am going to try it tonight, I want to see if it being in my purse ever since I got it will make it have aligned itself to my particular vibes or whatever. I’ve had it for a while now, my Mom got it for me! My last Tarot deck fell apart after almost 30 years, it was all bent and then my mom’s dog ate a couple cards! GULP! Oops. But I will take good care of this one, it will last another 30 years! It’s a Rider Waite deck, which is my favorite one and the type the last one was too. I like it because I understand the symbolism of it the best out of all the tarot decks I have seen.

I’m doing better at driving, tomorrow morning we are going to go drive some more, all the way on the freeway to my old neighborhood where we will do some turns on residential streets and practice parallel parking. I really need to practice parallel parking because in the other road tests I did that was always where I fucked up and they would make me turn around and drive back to SGI.

I am getting lonely again. I know I still have a lot to personally work on about myself, but I really do wish I could find a lover who lived in Saskatoon or who even wanted to live in Saskatoon someday. I’m tired of being single. I miss sex and intimacy, and I miss parts of a relationship that I feel I’ve never even been able to have, like making plans for a future together and the comfort of sharing a home and building a home together. And all kinds of things that people in long term relationships take for granted. I really wish I had someone I could cuddle with, and kiss for hours. Someone I could fall asleep snuggled up with.

Someone DECENT! Someone who won’t rip my throat out all of a sudden like so many of my other exes. I need something really different this time.

The key, according to my psychic, is to align my soft hearted inner self with my external self. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. What do I do? Cry more freely in front of people? Give more hugs? Talk about my hopes and dreams? Either way, she says if I can do that then I will finally start attracting people who are better suited to me. Quitting pot is helping, because it is making me more in touch with my emotional reactions to stuff. No more numbing out.

I dunno. I have a lot to think about still. And I don’t even think I have met my next girlfriend yet. I think she’s still a total stranger somewhere out there in the world.

I’m glad I am over my last girlfriend. She was such a jerkface. Jerkface jerkface.

I’m not sure what else to tell you about. This week I have to write two reports, one for Saskatoon Tribal Council talking about what I have done for my business, and then another Final Report for Canada Council about my trip to Germany last year for my retrospective. I need to get that in this week so that I can start working on my grant for Bunnyhug production funds. I’m asking for the top amount, which they don’t like giving out very often. I’m not sure if I will get it but I have to try, because if I do get it and can make a super low budget feature film, then I will be eligible for future funding from Telefilm and the Harold Greenberg Fund. It would be really good for me, it would open up my options that is for sure.

I just want to be a filmmaker! It’s so ridiculous, I feel like getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and getting so sick twice in the last decade really kicked the shit out of my career. It set me back and made me less able to create for a long time. All that shame the psychiatric hospital instilled in me really subdued me for a long time, and the shame that other people heaped on me for losing control and acting in such strange ways that they didn’t understand. It really fucked me up. And I see contemporaries of mine who have already done things I wanted to do but couldn’t because I was fucked up and/or overmedicated. That one Zyprexa year fucked me up, I was a total zombie. Sure I made Love & Numbers, but that was it!

Still, I did go back to school and finished my bachelor’s degree. And I did write a feature screenplay. In fact that is what made my creative output so limited those years, because creatively I was focused on telling the story of my first manic episode, fictionalized of course. But based in a real event. It kind of pissed me off that I did all that work but didn’t get any attention or recognition for it because it is still unproduced.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Sunday thoughts.

I tried to find Blogger under the list of services Google offers in my account, but it looks like it has all been “streamlined” and so it wasn’t listed. I had to google Blogger like a schmuck!

Disappointing!

Today I went driving in traffic for the first time since High School! :O It went better than I thought, although I can’t for the life of me figure out why my turns are so rough! I kind of drift and don’t let it straighten in time and stuff. But I guess I will get more practice. My test is set for the 5th of March! OMG! That is SO SOON!!!! Less than two weeks~!!! WTF?? I hope I pass because I have to help drive someone for medical appointments starting then! We’ll see.

I bought my ticket for Hamburg! 😀 I am pretty stoked about that. Now my grant is all gone. I have to save up a substantial sum for living on while I am in Germany, at least enough to pay for eating and transit and traveling to Berlin a couple times. I think I can do it. I should be able to. Hopefully some decent artist fees will come in soon.

Tomorrow I am renting the super 8 projector for a night to shoot my film and make it into a video. I’m excited about it! Yay! I’ll be able to send it off to my distributors and get some screenings!

My crushes have dwindled down to one rather hopeless crush that I just nurture because she is so darned cute! I can’t help it. Oh well. I really need to start meeting more people. I know I am gonna meet more folks, it will happen. And eventually I am gonna get involved with my future wife. La la la. I wonder what she will be like. My psychic says it will be good. That’s nice to hear.

My Mom is behind me critiquing my blog and watching Survivor. I was done with Survivor a few years ago, I got bored with the formula. I’m also done with Desperate Housewives. In fact there isn’t much tv I watch anymore. Maybe the Simpsons, but Mom is always watching The Amazing Race when the new Simpsons comes on. I am gonna start watching RuPaul’s Drag Race because I want to win the Out TV contest.

Anyway, this little dog is sitting on my knee. Earlier today she kept nosing my hand so I would pet her little head, and when I would stop she would nose me again.

I did the First People’s Survey with Statistics Canada. I DO speak Cree according to them, but only a few words. Still it was enough to count for something, which made me feel pretty good.

I got defriended by my ex and past big love. The funny thing is what really pissed me off about it was that I didn’t do it first, because I really was seriously considering defriending her. I was ready to cut my ties to her and jettison her over the side of the boat that is my life. But she did it first! Shitty. Oh well, I mean clearly it had to happen. I was boycotting her, I refused to like anything or comment or ANYTHING on her profile ever since she got all snarky over what I thought was an innocent joke pic. At first I thought she was just touchy about witch jokes (it was a computer screen of “Wiccapedia” which I thought was funny but she declared was “less than funny.”) But then she posted a pic about how women ride broomsticks and I was like “Wait wait wait, what? It’s okay for her to say a witch joke but not me?” Oh well. So I got annoyed with her and started boycotting her profile and then she defriended me.

It was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. It had to happen. I need to not have her in my life whatsoever. She just makes me go around and around in circles waiting for, as my psychic said, her to have an “Ah-ha!” moment. But she never will. I hope she finds some boring guy to be with. She seems to prefer men anyway. She’s always given them more respect and attention. She’s one of THOSE bisexuals.

And she always treated me like garbage. Like some mega loser who isn’t worth anything. Pissed me off. I’m sick of that treatment. She can go to hell! She probably will anyway she is so mean. Naw, I don’t even believe in hell. I don’t think there is anything that punishes people after death, just karma in life before death. Maybe she will end up in a loveless marriage, that would be nice.

Either way I know I am going to end up with someone else, someone nice, someone who deserves my love and attention. And getting rid of her is a good thing, because it opens up space in my heart for someone new. And I really think no one new has come into my life thus far just because I kept being so damned mooney over her.

I didn’t even wish her a happy Valentines Day. I was so done with her. I had all these thoughts before of romantic things I was gonna post, but then she was a jerk and it all faded away in seconds. And it’s not even like she just recently started being an asshole, she’s been an asshole to me for a long time. Too long.

So that’s that. I am doing okay otherwise. My energy level is still kinda low from detoxing. I made it to 30 days yesterday, I can go get my chip at NA on Sunday. So close to six weeks! I was around some weed recently, and I looked at it and kinda wanted it but I didn’t have any because I didn’t want to go all the way back to day one. I also wanted a cigarette, which surprised me because I have been doing good and it’s been ten weeks and four days or so since I quit. I didn’t have a cigarette. It was hard because my friend who was smoking still enjoys it because she really hasn’t been a smoker for very long, not as long as me anyway. So seeing her enjoying it made me miss it a bit. I don’t even know how I didn’t have a smoke, I guess I didn’t want to get sucked into it again. I don’t know how long it would take me to quit again. This is the second longest I’ve gone without smoking since I started at 22. This is also the longest I’ve gone without pot since I moved here and didn’t have a dealer.

Well it’s late, my beer is done. I should really go to bed. Tomorrow we set off fireworks for my late cousin Christopher, I get my 30 day chip, we see Grandma and Grandpa. And??? I dunno what else. It will be a relaxing day I think. I am excited to see the fireworks! Christopher loved fireworks.