I’ve just come home from the gym, after a very long absence from my work out routine. I think it went alright, got puffy and sweaty and did pretty good. I wasn’t going fast enough on the elliptical though, it kept “pausing” and pissing me off because I WAS moving! I only did ten minutes and I felt so exhausted. Then I walked for a mile and a half on the treadmill. And afterwards my work out partner Laurel was like “Don’t smoke!” and I remembered I had quit and took a lozenge to stave off a craving. So far the quitting has been going really well. I haven’t smoked at all, and haven’t had bad cravings either. The patch and lozenges help a lot.

I gained something like 20 pounds since I quit working out, it was kind of wild! I guess I was eating a lot. Anyway, now I can’t fit most of my pants, which pisses me off. I don’t think I will be able to lose 20 pounds in a month, so I am looking into buying some new cheap jeans and shorts for my trip. I got some new shoes, nice new shoes, and some new keen sandals. They are pretty cute, they are green and brown. Now I have three newish footware type things. Make that four because I also bought runners for the gym this winter. And they have hardly been worn so they are still quite newish.

I’m nervous about my trip to Germany. I hope I have enough money! I need to be really careful with my finances this next while. I am going to be there for five weeks, so I have to live like a local and make my own food and stuff. I am mostly going to be making my video, that will be exciting! So I’ll be nerding out in my room and cooking. And visiting. And showing work.

I’ll leave in exactly a month! Wow!

Someone fucked up my expensive travel adapter for the electrical plugs, which pisses me off because it cost 49 bucks! And I need to go with two because I have so many electrical things to plug in, like my computer and my iphone and my video camera. So I am kind of pissed off. I think it was the Kid. He totally put the USB plug in the wrong way and now it is stuck! 🙁 Sad me!

Steven is working on it.

I have work this week. Lots of work. I am gonna be busy! I missed getting my time sheet in, but I didn’t know I was supposed to get it in until WAY late at night.

My travel adapter finally got fixed, but it totally isn’t for Canadian plugs! I am going to have to take the stupid thing back, and someone already threw away the plastic that is inside the box, so I am not sure they will take it. Shitty! I feel so ripped off, I paid a lot of money for that thing!

Arg! I am so crabby! I wonder if it’s quitting smoking that is making me so crabby. I hope it goes away. Bleh!

I have a lot on the go these days. I gotta get cracking! I’m just writing here because I am kinda lonely and introspective. I am still considering quitting drinking. I mean, it would be healthier for me to stop drinking. It would save a lot of money, drinking pop is cheap, at least in Canada it is. It would be a good idea. I just don’t know if I am prepared, I haven’t thought about quitting drinking the same way I thought about quitting pot for so many years. I was really prepared to stop smoking up. I had read everything I could get my hands on and been to concurrent disorders group for a few years by the time I quit. I’d seen an addictions worker and went through the Test, where they ask you all those questions to determine if you have a problem. But that was all for pot and at the time I didn’t test positive for alcoholism. But now I am worried about cross addiction. I don’t want to be addicted to something ELSE as a replacement for my pothead past. So I dunno. I am considering it. I have a friend I am visiting in Germany who quit drinking last year, and so I am going to remain sober when I am around her, which will be a nice change, especially because when we first met I was SO DRUNK! I’m going to try and institute some rules around my drinking while I am there, like only on the weekends or something, because beer is so easy to get and so easy to consume anywhere really. So I have to watch that. Or maybe just not drink at all. I am ambivalent.

Dammit! That reminds me, I was supposed to talk to my friend on Skype this afternoon and I totally flaked on her! Not the Germany friend, my friend Shavonne who moved to Montreal. Poor Shavonne, deprived of my post quitting smoking crabbiness!

Anyway, I guess I should go to bed. I want to fall asleep thinking about being close to someone. It’s kind of nice, those moments when you are conscious but laying in bed in the dark, just thinking about your love. Dreaming of possibilities and remembering past intimate moments. That kind of thing I think is how I’ve maintained being in unrequited love so many times. It’s so passive. But it is like tending the tendrils of their life curling around your heart. Gentle green sprouts of love, just pure innocent love, gripping you and holding you close even when they won’t. Maybe it’s a bad habit. But it always makes me feel so good. She wants love, I just think maybe she doesn’t think of me that way anymore at all. But if she let me, I would love her so well. Sigh. This has turned into more than a crush.

I’m really tired.  I have been waking up early and getting to bed early for a while, and it’s already 9:25pm as I write this.  Mom is watching Survivor, the season finale.  I am writing a blog.

I have calmed down about the whole radioactive world thing.  I am resigned to my fate, and to living my life as fully as I can.  I should.  There is no other solution I can bring to the table.  Just be the best Thirza I can be and continue to live my life.  And surviving.

I really do have feelings for someone.  And I am not sure how to proceed.  I have a feeling they are not mutual, but at the same time I feel compelled to tell her how I feel in the event that there is a possible future for us.  I mean, keeping feelings all locked up inside is pretty bad, especially if there is a slim chance for love to blossom.  And we have been having some pretty intense conversations about our lives, just finding out things about each other and I really like being supportive of her.  I still really value our friendship, and I don’t want to be pushed away if I tell her how I feel and she doesn’t feel the same.  I don’t feel that a friendship with her and nothing more is a bad thing, because I really like her and value our time together, even though it is mostly talking on facebook chat.  And there is a chance we will be living in the same city in the not too distant future.  She’s been talking about it.  I’ve been talking about it.  Who knows?

Anyway, I think I need to tell her when I see her how I feel, tell her in person.  Just because it would mean more.  I am aware I might cry in front of her or something, but it’s something I have to do.  It goes with my renewed commitment to live my life more fully!  No more being shy when it comes to love.  I have to seize the day!  Maybe a totally beautiful healthy happy relationship would come of it.  And if it doesn’t, that is okay, at least she will know where I stand.  She told me she wants to move for love.  But she didn’t say with me, but still, that is different than what she was talking about last summer.  So . . . well anyway, I guess I should switch topics to something else.  I don’t really like talking about feelings the other party isn’t fully cognizant of on my blog.  I talked about Rheanne because she knew I loved her.  But not anymore.  I have finally moved on.

It feels really good to have moved on.  I feel like my heart is finally capable of fully loving someone new.  Before I still kind of kept one foot in the past.  I wasn’t able to give all of myself to someone else.  And Rheanne never really cared that I loved her, she always treated me like I was just some schlub.  Some loser.  Someone who didn’t deserve her.  Now I feel like she didn’t deserve me.

I still don’t know who my wife will be.  I hope I get one someday.  My psychic says I will.

Sometimes I look at the past and all the people who have come and gone from my life, and it starts making sense.  Perfect sense, even though sometimes it is all so random and bizarre.  Like destiny.  My psychic says I have a really good life path.  I think so too.

In August I will find out if I got my grant.  This is the third year in a row I am waiting to hear about a grant.  I hope I get it.  I really want to make my film (on video!) Bunnyhug.  I need to commission a baker miller pink bunnyhug straightjacket from a costume designer.  I think I might use that as my poster too, Ellie in the straightjacket.  Although they mostly use four point restraints now, I don’t even know anywhere that uses a straightjacket.

********************** The Next Day*****************

Well I had a good sleep.  Was the first one up, Mom slept in.  I went to go flip my laundry and my clothes were totally dry, which fooled me at first and I was like “Wow, my laundry dried without going in the the dryer!”  And then I was like “Waitaminit!  This washer didn’t even turn on!”  So I finally got it going.  I am aware this is a boring story.

It will be 17 weeks without Marijuana on Wednesday at noon! 😀  That’s a long time!  The longest I’ve ever gone!  It’s now 117 days without it, not even one puff!  I feel so accomplished, finally that monkey is off my damn back.  I don’t even think about it unless I am around it, and then I get cravings but I remember how miserable I would feel when I smoked up at the end.  I’d get so depressed and think of dark things and go dark places in my mind.  And I would get stoned and then get on the internet and look for sites about quitting.  Plus I stunk all the time, like weed.  Or a skunk.  And people could tell I was a pot head!  And when I had conversations on the phone I would space out and drift off and generally just flake out.  And it frustrated some of my friends.  Which I feel badly about.

I quit smoking this morning, at about 11.  I had my last smoke and slapped on a patch and now I am sucking a lozenge and promising myself not to pick up even one cigarette, not to have even one puff.  It’s over!  I am done!  I want to get a month of no smoking under my belt before I go to Germany.  And continue not smoking!  Especially because I only like Canadian cigarettes and would be really desperate to buy European ones!  So that is what I am doing.  I am tired of writing about quitting all the time, but I kind of have to write about it.  Just because it helps reinforce my attempts.

Last time what really helped was reading stories about quitting on About.com’s smoking cessation section.  They inspired me.

I’m behind on my work for my grant.  I need to write a script.  I am mostly goofing off right now, so I should really just get to it and start writing.  I have a bit of free time anyway.  So I oughta work on it.  I wrote a really eloquent thing about why I wanted to make it, including snippets of queer theory.  So I should revisit that.  I am trying to decide if sitting barechested on a horse is too over the top or not.  Except I wanted to talk about masculine identified female bodied persons in plains culture, and a lot of them went hunting and so on and rode horses while dressed in masculine attire, including being topless.  So it would make sense to have a tit shot of me on a horse.  I dunno, I must consider this carefully!  It would mostly be for queer festivals, so it’s not like a lot of heterosexual men looky-loos would see it.

Anyway, maybe I should go work on that instead of writing here.  It would be a good idea anyway! 

Well, what is new? Hmm. I am still clean. I’m feeling pretty good about that. Today I had some puffs off some cigarette butts (my butts) and thought “Well this is gross and desperate” and then went to the store and bought patches and lozenges to quit with. I really didn’t want to buy cigarettes again. So I have a patch and I sucked on a lozenge while it kicked in. The nicotine spray isn’t as effective as I had hoped it would be.

I finally got to see my friends last night. I hung out with Amy Jo for supper and we tried to watch the Zombie Walk but they waited too long to cross the bridge and it started pouring rain, so we went home. Then after watching Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life with her I went and met my friends Aaron and Daniel and we went to Flint and then to the May Day Cabaret. It was super fun! But I had to catch the last bus home, because cabs in this town suck because the city refuses to give out more licenses, so there is like, an hour or two long wait for a cab on Fridays and Saturdays after 12. And if you are trying to catch a cab from a really poor neighborhood, like 20th St, sometimes they will never show up at all! :O

My body aches. My work set up is not ergonomic at all. When I was in training to become a telephone operator, we learned about ergonomics and had a quiz at the end. One of the questions was about a sparkly cup with pens in it and some other things on a desk. None of us answered correctly, we were supposed to switch the sparkly cup with a matte cup. Touchy! Anyway, I don’t have a lot of sparkly things in my office, so I know that is not the problem. My desk is too high. Actually, I should just make my chair higher, then I bet I wouldn’t have a problem. I am so short!

Well geez, I wish I had thought of that earlier!

I’m really terrified and depressed about Fukushima’s Reactor Four blowing up and destroying most of life on earth. I feel so cheated out of a future. I want to get married and make a feature film and have a family and now it’s not gonna happen! Well, that’s not a for sure thing either. I mean, really intelligent aliens could land with technology we don’t know about and save our planet. But we would probably blow them up if they showed up to help. It’s so fucked. Life is so fucked! It makes everything I do seem really insignificant in comparison! This has been bothering me for a while. They say that it’s 85 times worse than Chernobyl. I never wanted nuclear power. I always thought it was a bad idea. But I’m not running the planet, THEY are.

I had a friend who broke his red fiestaware plate because it was made with a radioactive glaze, which makes them really rare plates because everyone tried to get rid of them. But somehow I think breaking it might be a worse idea than leaving it intact.

Yes, said friend is very very gay.

In case you didn’t know, there is a group of gay men affectionately referred to as Dish Queens who collect Fiestaware.

I like Fiestaware.

Maybe not the radioactive stuff though!

I’m really worried about this reactor though. I am sad that I might never find love before everything goes to hell and I die from radiation exposure. Of tit cancer or something. Pinky cancer. Clit cancer! Oh god, it just gets worse. And yet things are going really well for me. I have a residency. I’m going to Germany. I have a business and am getting clients. I’ve got a chance to possibly get a big grant to make a big film. On video. Everything could be going my way! But I don’t have a lover, which makes me lonely. I would like someone to hold while I am dying of radioactive imagination!

Anyway, everytime I turn around it seems someone else is posting a scary article about what’s happening in Japan, and I can’t do anything because I don’t know how to invent something that can pick up melted isotopes and keep them in water. I guess a Shop Vac isn’t good enough. And I am sure Henry can’t do anything either!

I worried so much about a nuclear incident when I was a kid, but I thought it would be nuclear war. Turns out we’re gonna get wiped out by nuclear power. Great. Same same. They say the Pacific Ocean is already highly contaminated. 🙁

I just hope I can find a girlfriend before the end. Someone who is nice to me and supportive and loving. But I am worried I would settle for less just to avoid being all alone on the Titanic!

Well, on Thursday at 12:15am I turned 34! I’m in my Mid Thirties! 😀 I am consistently amazed every year I get beyond being 30 because when I was younger my depressions were so severe that I was sure I would be dead before I made it to 30. BUT Here I am, a survivor! I feel pretty good about that. Wellbutrin has helped me out a lot, I forget when I got on it, but it has really worked for me! Last night some friends and family came over and we had a barbecue and hot tub party! It was awesome. We had bison burgers and cake and potato salad! I didn’t have time to make fried bannock though! Oh well! People seemed to have fun! I still have liquor leftover, we had to run around and hide it when Steven was in the hot tub. Because I was leaving and he doesn’t stop drinking, he will just keep going! Then I went with my friend Laurel to Divas, which was fun! She told me I had to find another bar to meet women, but I don’t go to bars to meet women, I just go to have fun. I like meeting potential mates at places where we have more interests clearly in common, like at film festivals and so on and so forth! I still have to have a date with my friend! She was gonna come up to Saskatoon for my birthday, but then she realized she had a prior engagement related to her job that she had to go to! So that was that. Oh well! It will still HAPPEN! I hope! Maybe it would be better if it wasn’t us at my birthday party, because I had to entertain a lot of people! And I kinda want to be focused on her when we FINALLY hang out! That’s the only right way to go on a date! I got into my first accident with the car. I thought I was in reverse when I was straightening the car in a parking space and instead I was in drive and I went up a kerb and hit a handrail! I was so embarrassed. I bent the handrail and made a hole in the bumper and a scrape and flattened a tire! 🙁 I didn’t know what to do so I called Mum, thank god I had my phone. She drove over in Grandpa’s car and I called Affordable Towing and they came and put on the spare tire for 36 bucks. Then I followed my Mum in the car to Kristjan’s daycare and she brought him to the car and said “Auntie Thirza broke the car!” And he put his little finger in the hole and said “Oh no! Car boken!” Then I drove him to our house and Mum met me there with Grandpa’s car and we all got in the car and drove Steven and Kristjan to his mom’s house and we went to see Sky. I wasn’t hurt and no one else got hurt. OH and also I should note that someone from the building did come out to talk to me and I gave them all my info and they were very kind! So yesterday we took the car to SGI for an assessment and got a piece of paper to take to the dealer to get it fixed. That’s 700 bucks I gotta pay! Oi! Today I watched The Iron Lady and felt bad for Margaret Thatcher. Which is silly because she was so horrid. It’s a good film about dementia, but as my friend Stef says, seemed like pro-Conservative propaganda. I am going out to the Freehouse tonight to meet up with my friend/fellow Little Piner/First Roommate Vern! I am excited to see him, it has been way too long! He’s always fun! I am thinking these days about what the hell I want to do with my life. I have an array of choices before me. And opportunities. And I applied for that grant. I am hoping I get it, even though I won’t get the money until January. I’d really like to make my film. I also have to start writing my script for Boy Oh Boy. I’ve got to start shooting soon! I am gonna wait for two more weeks and then start. Grandpa keeps asking me what I am doing, but it’s hard to tell him because he is mostly deaf and I never really know if he heard me. When my grandparents pass on, the only thing I want of theirs is Grandma’s treaty card, because she married my Grandpa at a time when white women legally became Indians if they married one. So she is treaty, even though she is white white white! And so I’d really like to have her card and put it in a little shadow box on my wall. I want to go see Jeff Who Lives At Home with my Mom. It will be 15 weeks without marijuana this coming Wednesday. I feel like I should celebrate it somehow. That’s over three months! I feel so much better now, so much clearer. I hardly ever think about it anymore. ************************ Two Days Later So I was wondering on Saturday night before I went out why birds were still chirping. AND ALSO why they were chirping in my living room but when I sat outside all was quiet. It was DRIVING ME CRAZY! Damn birds. Then I realized, they were coming from my computer! :O So I had to shut almost 60 open tabs on my firefox to get rid of the damn things. Night of the Midi Birds! Then I went out and drank and got drunk and brought Vern home and it was kinda crazy, he slept on the couch for a bit but the next morning my Mum was like “I want you to examine your drinking!” So even though there is still booze here (quite a lot actually) I gave most of it to my Mom and decided to get on the wagon for a while. I am not sure if I am quitting forever, but maybe spending some time away from it would be good. It might help me get perspective on my life, and it would for sure cut down on my costs and let me save some money. I bought “It’s Your Money: Becoming A Woman of Independent Means” today and I am excited to read it. It’s by Gail Vaz Oxlade who does the popular (in our house anyway) Canadian shows “Till Debt Do You Part” and “Princess.” In her shows she gives couples or single women challenges to do and encourages them to find work and so on, and then at the end if she thinks you have improved she will give you 5000 or less towards reducing your debt! One Princess show we watched recently, the Princess didn’t get ANY money! Not even 500. Not a penny! She was really resisting the challenges. ANYWAY, although I make personal video about personal issues, I don’t really want to be a lesbian Princess on her show and be in reruns forever. So I bought her book instead. I have a backlog of books I need to read. I won’t be able to take them all with me on my trip this summer, but I should at least get some of it read. My work ends in two weeks and then it’s just this street patroller job I am doing for a while. Till October I guess, that’s when it ended last year. I’m having feelings for someone I want to express, but last time I expressed them she sort of rejected me. I really wish she liked me. She is indicating certain things, like that it might not be so out of the blue for her to move to Canada for Love. But she is not outright saying she loves me, so I’m still feeling slightly awkward. Because I really want to be able to say I Love You. Because I do and have for a while. Sigh! I am always afraid of saying I Love You. It has turned out badly so many times in the past. I really just want to be allowed to really really love someone, love them so hard and so well that people can’t imagine us not being together. It feels like my love is never allowed or wanted even. It’s not like being rejected is SO bad, but it’s a terrible ongoing pattern of rejection from women I have deep feelings for. I know one day it will change and I will say I love you and probably be terrified and then she (whoever she is) will jump on me and kiss me and kiss me and say I love you too! But until then there is this awkward silence that follows. And crickets chirp and a tumbleweed goes by and then I am turned down. And it’s not like I am falling in love with straight girls, they are always queer. Just not into ME! Anyway, blah blah blah. I’m tired of my heart always ending up in the reject bin. It’s especially frustrating when this friend keeps telling me how much she wants love and a life partner and I just want to say “What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee? I’m cute and nice and with some breaking in could be a fun lover!” I am aware I still need experience sexually, especially after my years and years of celibacy and limited sexual experience before that. I was sort of active in my early twenties. It’s also funny since I found out she and I share one of the same fetishes. So, hmmmm. And I’m the butch, and I don’t know if I am supposed to make the moves or what the hell. When we got together the first time I don’t remember who made the first move, just all of a sudden we were making out and then I had my hands in some pretty sweet places. It seems to hinge on following her lead, while also indicating interest. The second time I told her I wanted to kiss her and then she waited until she invited me into her house to let me kiss her. It was sweet. I should probably just tell her next time she is talking about wanting a serious sweetie that I would love her if she would let me. I don’t think she reads my blog, otherwise I wouldn’t be spilling all this here. Or maybe I would? Anyway, if she is reading, I hope she knows that I think she is incredibly smart and funny and beautiful and exactly the kind of person I could happily spend my life with nurturing each other. I feel really safe with her and want to explore all of her, her body and her mind and her hopes and dreams! Okay okay, enough of that I guess. They say you feel bonded to people if you have sex with them. It’s some little chemical. I’ve had sex with people without feeling bonded though. But I am really fond of her! I know I could fall in love with someone else though. I just already love her. It’s complicated. She lives thousands of miles away and it will still be at least a year and a half before she could move here. AND I would have to move to a bigger city so she could be involved in the things she likes doing, because Saskatoon doesn’t have a lot to offer her. I am planning to move to Toronto to go to school at York. But that depends on a LOT of things. Like if I get accepted. I’d like to study with John Greyson though, I think it would be really good!

So it looks like I will have my part time summer job again, wandering Riversdale looking for used needles! It was a fun job to have last year. I really liked it. It was like a treasure hunt, only the treasures were USED NEEDLES! And I’m not afraid of picking them up. I’ll have to work longer in the evenings three days a week, what with my other job of editing videos. Which is starting to come together. Right now I am working on a project. I have to get at least four more hours of work in this weekend to keep up. That’s okay. I’m going to try and keep up with my job and really get some hours in so I have enough to go to Germany this June/July!

I’m excited to have my summer job back! I wonder where this years hot spots will be? I know a lot of them from last year when I was working. The only time something dodgy happened to me last year was when I found a needle and then a wasp chased me away and was like, stinging me and stuff! For the most part people in that neighborhood are happy someone is getting rid of potentially biohazardous materials. They are very respectful and tell you where they have seen needles. Because everyone has a stake in their community, no matter how poor those people are. Sometimes people think poor people don’t care about where they live, but that is so not true. People care. People don’t want their kids jabbing themselves on some strangers needles.

And I liked walking for three hours a day three days a week. It was good for me, got me some kind of fitness level. It made me not so sedentary. I never cared that I was chubby, but not being completely sedentary made me feel pretty good.

My job is awesome, my editing job I mean! I am excited about it! Lots of stuff to do! My needle pick up job is awesome too, but I am right now only doing the editing job. It’s been all importing footage so far. But I feel pretty happy knowing there is a lot of footage to pull stuff from, and the footage looks good! It’s all high definition, which is REALLY nice!

I’m starting to realize that just maybe I will be able to have a fully functioning editing company. So far it has been very abstract. But now after doing a bazillion things like incorporating and getting a business license and a bank account and so on and so forth all on my own money, I think I will be able to do it! This is the first time I will have money coming in from an external source.

I got an accounting program for my Mac FINALLY! It’s AccountEdge and so far it is really user friendly! Except when I went to register the damn thing, it kept telling me “You must be an administrator” and I AM! Then after an hour of trying to troubleshoot I read the email I got when I upgraded it and it said to wait a whole day before registering! Fricken fracken hell! Anyway, expect to hear more about my accounting software. Neural Net, the Mac store in town, uses it, so I figured if it’s good enough for them then it’s good enough for me!

I have to clean my office tomorrow because my client is coming in on Wednesday to sit with me and do some editing. I’m not sure how long she is planning on staying but I’d better make it nice in here! Right now it looks terrible.

I got my criminal record check today for the needle job, I had one last year but they needed a newer one within the last six months. No crimes for me! 😀 I have a nice clean record.

I am importing my 4th to last tape right now! Exciting! I have done so many hours of importing! 19.5! Including some setting up and stuff. Rewinding. Blah de blah. I’m stoked to get started on really editing, there is some more material coming soon. Finally I get to do my job!

I have been writing this for days. I keep saving it and then writing some more. Today is the first day I have worked in my office, before I was using the kitchen table. I really like it! It’s nice to be away from everybody. In my own quiet space. As messy as it is. It will be clean soon!

I need to gather my receipts for my business. I spent practically 600 bucks on that damn accounting software, but it was and will be worth it. And I will be able to pay myself back with the money I am making now. I am also considering buying a nice external monitor later on. I also have to send off a cheque for an ad I placed in the Pride Guide. It’s kind of a silly ad, I have a couple regrets about how I placed the words, but whatever. It’s all spelled correctly!

So running a business is a lot of work!

Also I have to pay myself back for the 2400 I spent on this computer. I need the money to pay for Life In Germany this summer. I am thinking of extending my ticket and flying out of Berlin so I can spend five days there after my residency is done. Also because my friend will be in Finland for most of the time I am there and I want to see her and her dogs! I have other friends to visit there too though. Either way, another five days wouldn’t hurt. It might test my sense of homesickness though. I get homesick so easy. I’m such a Canadian. I feel sad when I am physically away from the land. I would make a terrible astronaut.

So life is exciting right now, and giving me a sense of purpose. I also have to start writing my script for my butch video. I’m going to be really busy these next couple of months. My birthday is in ten days! 😀 I will be 34. Mid thirties! :O Shit, that reminds me, I have to call the government and pay them back an EI overpayment from when I went to Germany and therefore wasn’t supposed to get EI while I was gone. I should look for that letter! I’m glad I’m not on EI now. EI sucks, I hate doing the reports, and they only let you be sick for so long, 15 weeks. And recovering from a manic episode takes more than 15 weeks.

SO yeah! I gotta dash, the important part of this video that I need to watch is coming up in 2 minutes! And then I am down to my last three tapes which I will do tomorrow. YAYS! 😀

For my prudey readers, you might want to skip this post! For the rest of you, I had the first intensely gratifying sexual experience Sunday night in a really LONG time! I did have sex with someone else last summer and that was hot, but I am talking in this instance of my solitary sex life. Which has been lacking.

I don’t know why masturbation is such a taboo topic, when we are encouraged to talk about uplifting sexual experiences with other people. Maybe because solitary sex is supposed to be guilty and super quiet because there’s the assumption you are pitiful if you can’t have sex with other people. But I have been inspired as of late with my friend Shavonne who is always posting about masturbating and how her bed smells like vag! I’m impressed even, because she always has a sense of joie de vivre about her solitary sex life and no shame!

I used to have a really good solitary sex life, in my early twenties. I was away from home in my own apartment and had marathon masturbating sessions with various techniques, experimenting with my body and various implements, from ginger figs to my first (and second, and third) dildos to clothespins to . . . well once I eyed my telephone up quite lovingly, not for phone sex as you would understand it but more because the handset was curved in a pleasing way. But I didn’t go that far. I kind of regret it now. I used vibrators and candle wax and all kinds of things. And then what happened?

In the last few years my masturbation has been utilitarian and rote. Just a buzz of my vibrator before I fall asleep, trying to think of just the right fantasy to get me off and usually being frustrated because my fantasies are all boring now. I need to expand on them, or so I thought.

BUT THEN Sunday night I was kinda horny and got out the lube and my new glass dildo which I got at Taboo but hadn’t used yet. And I used it and my vibrator and had an EXPLOSIVE orgasm that made me all glowy the next day. I hadn’t penetrated myself in a REALLY LONG TIME and it was amazing! That night I had dreams about using my glass dildo AND my vibrating clit pump I got from Berlin last year, which I was all excited about doing last night except I ended up sleeping over at a friend’s house. I admit, I almost wanted my friend to drive me home JUST so I could masturbate all over again, but I didn’t ask her to. Tonight I expect to have a special moment all to myself.

The funny thing was my fantasies weren’t so all important when I was fucking myself with a glass dildo and using a vibrator on my clit, they all got lost in just the pure sensation of SEX! SEX! I had forgotten that having sex by myself could be hot like that, it had just become this thing I did in the dark with a vibrator set to high while I fumbled around in my brain trying to think of the thing that would tip me over the edge.

And what really impressed me was how much it boosted my libido to have such a fulfilling experience by myself. I wanted more MORE MORE! And not even necessarily with other people, I’m perfectly content to be sexual on my own.

I wasn’t masturbating much these days, maybe a couple times a week. Because it was so BORING! But this getting into my toys again has reignited my solitary passions. I am already going over my inventory in my head thinking of what toys to mix and match tonight. And I also know that by doing that I will increase my own imagination for things to do with a lover, whenever that happens.

We need to talk about masturbation more, I think. We need to share tips for masturbating creatively. We need to get rid of this antiquated idea that masturbating is solely for pathetic people who can’t get girlfriends (or boyfriends), as if being single and sexual is a pathetic thing. I refuse to wait for a lover to pull on my nipple clamps while gliding a strap on in and out of me! Like most things in my life, I’m just gonna do it myself!

And why oh why when I wanted to tell everyone what great sex I had Sunday night, I felt sheepish, until I blurted it all out on Shavonne’s wall on Monday! It really did make me want to go tell it on the mountain “GLASS DILDOS ARE AMAZING EVERYBODY!”

Masturbation IS sex, sex doesn’t always require another person. And dammit, I am going to have a good sex life from now on! I have seen the light, and it is a six inch ridged blue and clear glass dildo! Plus the rest of my army of toys! 😀

So anyway, Happy Easter all my readers! It has been a while since I wrote. Let’s see, what is new? Well, I have another job, not a JOB job but some work for my company. It’s pretty exciting, I am looking forward to getting started. Work work work! Gonna be about 20 to 25 days of work, and will help me pay off some debts and go to Germany and get through the summer without resorting to Welfare. Hooray! 😀

I drove all the way deep into the westside today to pick up my older sister Sky and bring her home. She thought it was pretty funny that I was driving. At first she was annoyed Mum wasn’t there to pick her up, but she got over it. Then Steven drank all the wine last night meant for Sunday dinner, so I drove to two liquor stores, which were both closed, then went to the offsale, then went out to the reserve for cheap smokes. I am trying to come up with a good quit date soon. Before my birthday.

I forgot a few morning meds last week, which made me moody. But this week I have been pretty good at taking them, except for one day. Saturday morning I forgot.

Thursday night I got spectacularly drunk with my cousins as it was Deanna’s last night in town. I was so exhausted the next day. Then I was a designated driver on Friday night and took my friend Laurel to four bars! I drank pepsi and coke and one red bull. Actually I was exhausted the day after that too!

Baby got attacked by his dog a week and a half ago. He looks much better now, but when it first happened he was so red and oozing blood out of his nose and his lip was drooping so much because it was so swollen. Never leave your child alone with a dog, no matter how well you think you know that dog! The vet wants to get the dog fixed and give it to a different home. I dunno. I still think it would be better to put it down. He’s 11 years old! And the injuries he inflicted on Baby were pretty bad! 18 stitches! Did you know they give children morphine and ketamine for injuries on little children like that? I did not know they used ketamine.

Anyway, Baby is still a happy go lucky kinda kid. Today Mister was kissing me and Baby said “Dog bites lip!”

I got my grant sent away. Three grant applications in three years. I dunno! We will see what happens. I hope no traditionalist tries to stomp on my dreams! Traditionalists are to Indian Country as Fundamentalists are to Christians. They seem to be exceedingly conservative and homophobic. And they are always trying to tell other Indians how to be a real Indian.

I hate when people try to define what is a real whatever. Real lesbians, Real Women, Real Indians, Real this real that. Really just shut the front door! Humph!

I still haven’t had my date yet, BUT there are murmurings that next weekend she’s gonna come up here and we are going to sit in my hot tub and drink lovely drinks and maybe make out? I hope! So I guess we’ll see what happens.

I’m doing good. I was weakening on my resolve not to have any pot on Thursday night, but oddly enough my cousin who’s a major chronic and says anti-marijuana facts are a government conspiracy talked me out of smoking up with them when I was drunk and wanted to. THEN the next day I found a roach in my raincoat pocket from last year and I threw it in the garbage! Woot!

So that’s still good. It was eleven weeks last Wednesday at noon since I smoked up last! ELEVEN WEEKS! I should have got my 60 day chip already, but I haven’t been going to NA. I haven’t been going to concurrent disorders either. They weren’t running it this last friday anyway, but I really should go. It helps. I don’t go to the bipolar group, I am thinking maybe I should again. It was pretty nice. Except they say eating nuts makes you fat. A lot of people with bipolar worry about their weight because the meds pack on pounds. I don’t mind being fat, although I have shrunk a bit. Being fat is kinda sexy!

Actually being fat is really sexy, I really like bigger girls. They are more curvy and delicious!

But any size can be sexy, it all depends on the personality.

Velveeta was skinny and she’s pretty sexy. I should give her a call! I should also call Stef. And Robin. And Lynn. I wonder if any of them would be into skyping sometime? OOh, and Margaret. I have to make my rounds with my long distance friends.

I think my business might just work out. I guess I will find out soon! According to my psychic it will improve. I just have to FOCUS! She even said I could have it in two locations later on if I wanted. I am considering getting a partner to run it here in Saskatoon while I open another location in Toronto. But that’s still a ways off!

My Mum just told me I looked like a nerd the way I was typing. Thanks I guess?

Today I drove Grandpa to City Hospital for his CAT Scan. We passed these prolifers with signs that said “Women DO regret their abortions!” Grandpa grumbled and said “I don’t think women DO regret their abortions!” We were in the car so they didn’t hear him, but I heard him and I was happy! Grandpa has righteous politics! Then we went inside and got him through admitting and went to the medical imaging area and the woman who worked behind the desk was really bitchy because Grandpa is partially deaf and didn’t understand her right away. I was annoyed with her, sheesh! She should be used to dealing with elderly deaf people. Pisses me off. Then we sat in Waiting Room Four and Grandpa had to drink Contrast Dye and he said “I don’t want to, it’s going to go right through me!” But he did of course. He had to answer some questions to screen him before they injected him with Contrast dye and one was “Are you pregnant and/or breastfeeding?” He said “I can’t answer that question!” We agreed NA was probably the best answer.

Then I drove him to the Cancer Centre for his radiation treatment.

La la la!

It’s nice being able to drive him around. And I did save him one day when he was stranded at Market Mall because his car wouldn’t start!

I have realized that Rheanne AND Ivana, my exes who won’t talk to me, both have cats as their profile pictures. What’s that all about? Are cat lovers contraindicated in my romantic life?

Romantically things are, developing. I am going down to Regina next week, so I might have a date while I am there. THAT would be exceptionally nice. I’m not really expecting sex, but some making out would be sweet! I love making out! We’ll see! I still have my very very far away crush, it’s been sweet too. Not much in the way of flirting, but we have had some pretty good conversations on Chat on Facebook. I like being able to talk with someone who has a lot of similar interests, BUT is femme! Then again, my closest friends have almost ALL been femmes. And also, they become close friends because I usually have a crush on them to begin with before we settle into platonic friendship!

I have been scouting out possible Masters programs in Toronto. Right now I am heavily leaning towards York. I feel like it would teach me the most. But I am probably also going to apply to OCAD and U of T and maybe Ryerson.

I’ve been working hard on my grant! I’ve got most of it written and I did the treatment and I have been working on the budget! I think it will be ready to be mailed away on Monday! It better be, because that is the deadline! My final report was approved so I totally can go ahead with this grant application. Hurrah!

And now, I think it is time for bed. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, miles better than waking up at 2 in the afternoon like the day before. Let’s hope I can keep this up tomorrow!

One of my close friends is leaving next week for greener pastures in Montreal. I am going to miss her! Today I got to drive her to Tim Hortons for a double double. The first time I drove her around! She texted and told me where to turn and it was lovely. We were originally supposed to go for ice cream together, but it’s been snowy and not really ice cream weather.

I don’t think I’ll write much in this post. I went and saw my friends the Seahags perform at Amigos tonight, which was fun. They are too expensive though, Amigos. Cover was 8 bucks and the beers start at 6.25 bucks for a pint. I guess that is the going rate now, geez I remember when it was five bucks. What happened? Inflation!

The cat is in a perfect spot on the bed right now, way down on the right hand bottom corner. Good! Often she bookends me along with the dog and makes getting comfortable awkward.

I can’t think of something intelligent to write about. All the things I want to talk about are best kept quiet and only written in my diary, because they are situations which still need to simmer over a period of time, possibly a very long period of time. Love is sort of like that. And even then I don’t know if anything will happen. Life changes pretty quick.

I am tired. I am going to sleep.

I wrote a facebook message to my ex Ivana, she never wrote back. I told her I wouldn’t write her again unless she wrote me with like, a question or something. So that is that. I feel better for apologizing, but I also feel sad that she doesn’t want to talk to me. But it’s not like that is a new situation, she hasn’t wanted to talk to me for a while.

Oh blast it! Beatrix moved up the bed to the spot I hate having her sleep in! Bugger bugger bugger~!

Today I was having a chat with my favorite far away friend (like really far) when I found myself writing “I am thinking of moving to Toronto.” And I was happy to see her write that she has been pondering the same city.

Anyway, Saskatoon has been nice, I guess, except there isn’t a lot of short queer film being screened here (hardly any!), and there isn’t a lot of queer culture, and I am starting to miss being influenced by radical queer politics that happens in larger urban centres. In short I miss big city living. I miss having a larger community of like minded folks. Toronto has a Queer film festival and an Indigenous film festival and several small festivals and events and you can see nipples AND drink a beer at the same time. Here everyone has to have pasties on. And pasties are glamourous, but not as splendorific as a nice naked nipple.

I was going to stay here until my grandparents died, but they are still chugging along and I have been here six years now and I don’t think I should make decisions that are dependent on them dying. Besides, I will still come back every so often and for the major holidays like Christmas and . . . well just Christmas. NO I will come in the summer too.

And anyway I won’t be leaving right away, I will probably stay here until at least the end of June 2013. Something could change my mind. But if I got my grant and was in post production, well that would give me a decent financial cushion for moving to a new city. And there are lots of jobs in Toronto, with the aforementioned festivals and other places. Culturally it is a happening city. And it’s just a place where I feel there would be more opportunities for me. More clients for my business, more places I could get a job job. More places to meet women and there would be an actual Butch-Femme community and I wouldn’t feel like the only only one anymore. I miss being in a Butch-Femme community, Saskatoon has some Butch-Femme couples to be sure, but hardly anyone who really identifies with those labels and embraces them and is willing to fuck with them a bit. I guess I am too old school or something, which is funny because in Vancouver I wasn’t old school at all, I was whatever non-old school butches are. But here it’s like if you say you are Butch they think you are from the 50’s.

I hate to say it but I miss coming from a pool of butches and transdudes who are all chosen by the same Femmes for intimate encounters and potentially long term relationships, where we end up winking at each other because we share the same exes. Or current lovers. Or whatever.

Also, I am ready to fall in love. Like massively in love. And even though I am having some dates here, I am so used to feeling dismal about my chances here. I chased the same woman for almost six years! It was a waste of time. But I feel like there just wasn’t anyone else that could hold my attention as well as she did. Maybe I didn’t give the locals enough of a chance. Even my next date isn’t REALLY from here, she lives three hours away! So many of the lesbians here are shacked up and officially married, and I want to be an old married lady too!

I guess I should have a relationship that lasts longer than a year and a month first though. That is still my longest relationship to date. And now we don’t even talk to each other. Sometimes I look at her profile on Facebook and read the few lines that are public and wonder if she will ever have a picture of her face for her profile pic and not her cat. The irony, of course, is that when she and I dated she lived in Toronto and I lived in Vancouver and when we broke up it’s because I wanted one of us to move so we would be together and she dumped me because we weren’t in the same place and then she moved to Vancouver and I moved to Saskatoon.

And now I am moving to Toronto.

She was 28, I was 19, we were probably in different places in more ways than just geography. She was butch, believe it or not, at least that’s how she identified. The cutest soft butch ever! She was really the first girl I had sex with, like full on fucking and falling asleep and waking up to more fucking and falling asleep again and fucking some more. We were really sexually compatible except she wasn’t into BDSM. But she did orgasm denial scenes really well. With some coaching. I was her first female lover. YAY! I did have a female lover before her, and a male lover who was a friendly fuck that I had to end when he got attached. But those were just juvenile games compared to the sex I had with Butch Lady Lady. She was the first one who made me come all by herself. It’s hard for me to come with lovers at first, I’m too wound up and feel sheepish for asking them to get repetitive strain injuries. It’s like I have to get calibrated for lovers, cause once I have them all mapped out in my interior erotic landscape I can come in a decent amount of time with them.

Currently I do not have a specific person I think about when I am coming. It’s kind of depressing. I like when I have a favorite person to think about. When Ivana and I broke up I was really depressed because I still had to think about her when I masturbated and I felt like I didn’t have a right to anymore. And then even when I did think about her and come it would make me ache so hard not to be with her anymore.

To be honest, even when I have said all this stuff about Rheanne being the love of my life, probably the big love Thus Far was Ivana. She was the one who was there for me for a whole year and a month. It wasn’t a perfect relationship, there were a lot of things about it that were wrong, but she really was PRESENT and honest in a way that my first and last love wasn’t. She actually called me her girlfriend and was open about me with friends and, okay, she didn’t tell her mom about me because she was still in the closet. That was a problem. BUT she loved me as best as she could from four provinces away. And the sex was great. The sex was awesome.

I wish I could still talk to her. I behaved really inappropriately with her when I was drunk and after that she didn’t really want to be friends with me. I don’t blame her. I was uncooth. We were already broken up by that point. And it wasn’t my decision to break up. I took it really hard. That was a fucked up summer, so much shit happened that summer. The summer of 1998. Oh man! What a BAD summer!

I remember she came to visit that summer, after we broke up. I didn’t even have a photo of her, and I had been trying to imagine her from when I had seen her when we met and had all the great sex. And I saw this really cute dyke on Commercial Drive and my heart skipped a beat and I thought “Is that her?” I couldn’t remember! It was her. We went for dinner at Wazubees and she came over to my apartment and freaked out because she was sitting on my bed “I can’t believe I’m sitting on your bed!” and I wanted to kiss her and we kissed bunches of times. But no sex. No relationship. We never got back together.

She wanted a break from me and then we just never talked again. I wanted to, but like I said I behaved badly. I felt so guilty for being so bad, I still feel guilty. But I never got to have a conversation with her about it, never got to apologize.

I know I could. I know I should. It would ease my mind to tell her some of the things I have thought since we broke up, even though it is fourteen years later.

God, how old would she be now? 42! OMG! Turning 43.

I can’t believe it has been fourteen years.

Maybe I should do the classic Thirza thing, and write a long apologetic email to her. Because I miss her, and I should apologize, and because it would be nice to know her again, even if she is straight now or I don’t even know what. Who knows, maybe she has a husband? My friends would know. We have some of the same friends. It’s so awkward, I never know what to say when her name comes up. I really did love her once. And she broke my heart, and then I broke my heart. And it’s so conflicted. I don’t think we would get back together, I don’t think it would work. For one thing, there would be distance. Again. And that was the main trouble in the first place. For another thing she is older, and she usually made the rules in our relationship, like she decided when we would talk and I often didn’t feel like I had much input into the situation, because if I called her she would often wait the required two weeks before calling me back. It always seemed to happen in two week intervals, our phone calls. And I couldn’t handle that.

Ha ha, I had a dream after we broke up that she told me the only reason she dumped me is because of her long distance bill, and that if sprint had brought in unlimited long distance sooner we would still be together!

So sad!

BUT I have a faggy arty date at some point in the not too distant future! Life is not all doom and gloom. And of course if it got serious I would reconsider the whole “I’m moving to Toronto in 2013” thing.

2:23 am. Perfect time of day to write an apology email. WOuld you believe I only had two pints this evening?