I’m addicted to my breasts. I love them just like they’re my kids.

Ha ha, no I’m not, that’s just some woman on the next episode of My Strange Addiction. My kids are Little Mister and Beatrix Kitty. Who are both sitting on the couch with me, Beatrix is meditating by the looks of it and Mister is having a snooze.

Today was a decent day. I went on two bus rides just to get out of the house and went to NA for half an hour (I forgot the meeting started at 8, I thought it started at 8:30 but that is the SOS group!). Next week I can pick up my 30 day chip. That’s pretty exciting, because so far I just have two “Just for Today” keychains. Today is day 25.

I have to admit, I am depressed. I am super bummed out and it feels like it’s always gonna feel this way (because that is what depression is like) and I know based on what I have read that I just have to grit my teeth and get through the next couple of weeks or so and then it will lift. It’s the withdrawals. If it doesn’t lift in three weeks I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and ask if I need my antidepressant upped. She would know what to do. I see my psych nurse on the 27th or 28th, and I will talk to her about it and how I am feeling.

I also haven’t worked out as much this last week. That could be contributing to my lack of zest for life. It was really helping me before. I need to get back into it.

My psychic says I need to focus more, and that is true. I am working on it. Sometimes it seems really impossible, my brain is just all over the place. I have a desk and chair now, so I can actually set up my office. I am gonna devote an hour to that at the end of the day tomorrow so I can work down there, because while I have been working in the living room while Mum was away, when she comes back she is gonna want to watch TV again and will chase me away.

Wow, this woman is smelling mothballs all day. And this dude before was having a relationship with his car and actually had sex with it. What’s he gonna do when his car is dead?

My psychic says I have to get picky and find someone who’s decent, someone who can be my best friend. That makes sense. I think someday soon, when more of the withdrawals have gone away, I am gonna make a list of what I want in a partner. Aw crap, and I have to write my five year plan too! Although really she says I should just focus on my career right now and the rest will be ready to happen very soon.

I do have a big grant coming up that I have to work on next month, I am applying for funds to make Bunnyhug. I’ve only been talking about it the whole time I have been writing this blog. If I can’t get cash to make it I am not sure what I will do. BUT hopefully because it is so meticulously thought out I will be a shoe in.

Where does that phrase “shoe in” come from anyway? Like a shoe in the door? Probably. Actually that makes the most sense.

Is it bad that part of me worries that NA folks are lowlifes? I know, I am being prejudiced. It’s just that my reasons for using were so different than some of theirs. Like they had abuse and stuff, where as I was mostly using to self medicate my bipolar disorder. Although I know probably a lot of them were self medicating too. I dunno, I have only been to three meetings, I can’t make assumptions about any of them.

I noticed that there are some notable babes out and about these days. I saw two girls on Saturday that seemed like hotties, and two girls at NA that were pretty hot. But I didn’t get any numbers or anything. I am just noticing. I think that’s a pretty good sign, it means I am starting to be open to someone new coming into my life. Before I was pretty wrapped up in being all moony over the past Big love. But now that I am sure it is never going anywhere, I feel like I can move on. No more waiting. No more feeling like garbage. No more asking for approval!

Although Mom still hasn’t told me she is kicking the bum out, I feel slightly better. It is funny who reads my blog, because at least three people came up to me today to tell me not to stab my alcoholic roommate. I won’t. I promise. His pathetic life is not worth me going to prison. If shit happens again I will simply check myself into the hospital until I can find better housing. And I will forever hate my mother for putting me in this situation where I had to commit myself in order to keep my life together. It’s just what will happen.

If she chooses him over me then she is not a good mother.

That is a FACT!

I went to see the live music night of Eat Your Art Out Judy Garland, it was really good! I came home early to give the pups cuddles and kisses and snacks and let them out to pee. Some weirdo who said he was from Vancouver tried to follow me when I was walking to the bus downtown, I walked fast and he started yelling “Hey! YOU!” Arg! This is the second weekend in a row I have felt threatened by a man on the streets. I consider myself to have street smarts though, I walked to the bus mall and was prepared to yell for the security guard and I put a key in my fist so I could punch him in the face and have a stabby thing to hurt him. But luckily he didn’t keep following me.

I did take self defense but so far I haven’t had to go apeshit on someone. I am prepared to though, I am just waiting for them to take the first swing. Then it’s open season on their ass. I don’t want to tempt the fates though, but I am ready.

As Spongebob Squarepants says “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”

I went to the Field House and worked out, did 30 minutes on the treadmill, going 3.5mph for ten minutes of it, went 1.5 miles, then I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. The elliptical works more of my body because I do the Mix3 mode and it has upper body exercises too, but it doesn’t burn as many calories for me as the treadmill, oddly enough. Then we did ten minutes on the recumbent bike, which was a nice way to end the workout. I gained a pound since the last time I weighed myself. I don’t know if it is muscle or beer.

Speaking of beer, I have begun to realize I don’t care so much about getting drunk when I am out. I had four bottles of beer last night and that was one beer too many, and tonight I had two pints and I was done. Came home with ten bucks still in my pocket. That’s good because it means tomorrow I can get some pop and chips, my original needs!

I used to tell my mum when I was a kid “I have needs!” And by needs I meant pop and chips. I guess when I was 18 those needs turned into beer and marijuana, which used to be fun but have long since lost their luster. Now I am ready to go back to the original needs. I used to have one small bag of chips and one glass bottle of coke everyday. Or rootbeer, or some other pop. I could get used to that routine again. It wasn’t so bad. I was a pretty skinny kid too, because I would bike for an hour everyday in the summer and when I had Wesley, my golden retriever, I would walk him for an hour everyday, even in the horriblest winter weather. And still I had sugary pop and chips all the time.

Once a day anyway.

I am glad to hear again about my future relationships. People keep saying “But you can change it right?” because my psychic said I would fall off the wagon and issues would come up again and I would have a breakup with my next girlfriend. But I dunno, it seems inevitable. And now I feel bad for saying my next relationship won’t last forever, because who’s gonna want to be THAT relationship???? The doomed one. No, it still might be a lovely relationship, and I am sure I won’t regret being close to someone again. Who knows, maybe I will get a girlfriend determined to prove my psychic wrong.

What was interesting was her saying it should have happened already, it’s just these “moths” that I have to stop paying attention to and waiting for. She also said I was going to face some tests, where these moths want to spend time with me and I have to say no because nothing is going to happen anyway. So strange! I hope I smarten up and don’t let myself get sucked into wishy washy thoughts of a future with someone who takes advantage of me and isn’t good enough anyway.

On the bus home the bus driver stopped and asked me if I could smell something burning. Then when I was about to get off he was like “Are you sure you don’t smell something? It smelled like marijuana.” I was so glad I haven’t smoked for 24 days, because I would be all paranoid that he could smell it on me. Speaking of smelling pot, I could smell it when we finished our workout in the Field House. Laurel says she always smells pot there. I have a feeling a lot of people get stoned and then work out. Ha ha ha, too funny. I remember being that stoner!

In my concurrent disorders group they have this thing where you have to play the tape to the end, and by that they mean you can’t just say something fun about doing drugs or alcohol, you have to go all the way through to the consequences of your actions. So yes, the consequences for me of getting stoned were losing jobs, a nice place to live, stopping hanging out with some friends who didn’t smoke up, losing my energy and motivation and having a dreadful lack of hygiene. I have to remember these things.

I don’t want to fall off the wagon. I hope I don’t. And even though my psychic said I would, I am not going to use that as an excuse to get ripped again. I’ve been doing pretty good but I am not going to be overconfident.

My roommate situation has worsened again. He got drunk Wednesday night and in true Steven Paul fashion kept us up most of the night with his loud music and intermittent screaming. I wrote a message to my Mom which she hasn’t responded to still that I had had enough and wanted him to be kicked out. The next morning she said she was going to tell him he had to get out or go to treatment, but that isn’t good enough for me. I don’t give a shit if he ever sobers up, he can die drunk in a gutter for all I care, I just want him out of my house for good. I don’t want to have any more sleepless nights, no more hiding my booze and my purse because if he is drunk he will do anything humanly possible to try and get more booze and get even more drunk. Anyway, then Mom went to Halifax, so I was left with the drunk for the weekend.

And he got drunk again last night on two litres of cider and talked to himself in the kitchen and turned his music up loud and was generally an asshole again. He tried to walk away with a nearly full beer of mine and when I took my last two beers to my room to hide he went around counting my empties and trying to find my other two beers, but he didn’t. It was really frustrating, especially since I am bipolar and getting enough sleep is SUPER crucial to my mental well being. So I sent Mom another message that said if she didn’t kick him out I was going to stab him to death, because I really do get violent angry thoughts when my sleep is being disturbed. I don’t want to have to stab him to death, I am mostly a pacifist, but it’s not like it would be a big loss to society anyway considering what a useless drunk he is. I am just SO MAD!

Okay, so I probably won’t stab him. Probably. But I make no guarantees. Either way I want Mom to finally grow a pair and throw the douchebag the fuck out of the house. It’s not healthy for me and she is pushing ME out of the house if she doesn’t get rid of him, because I simply cannot and will not live with the motherfucker anymore. I don’t give a fuck if he does go to treatment, he doesn’t give a shit when he falls off the wagon, he never has to deal with consequences of his drinking and it is not fair! He should go to brief and social detox and then treatment and then a sober living facility, we are not a motherfucking group home for wayward alcoholics!

Anyway, the good thing that happened this week is I did see my psychic. She didn’t say anything about the alcoholic cousin, hopefully because the obvious will happen and he will get kicked out or I will find a better place to live. But she did tell me my career would do well, I just have to reach out more and she gave me advice about how to get actors to be in my stuff and so on and so forth. And she also said this interesting thing about how she couldn’t figure out my relationship status because I had what she called “moths” who flit around and like getting attention from me, but she doesn’t like any of them and says I won’t get anything from them, it will go no where, and that I can’t spend time with them if they do want to hang out with me. She said I have to stop looking at people’s potential and see them for who they are right now. And she said I have to balance out my outward tough appearance with my inner soft core, because I am not attracting the right people the way it is now and I will finally start attracting the right people when I fix that. It makes sense. She says these people take advantage of me and I have to stop letting people do that. She also said I would get into my next serious relationship in roughly 8 to 9 months, and that it would last a while but end when I fall off the wagon and issues come up again. BUT then two years after that I will meet someone and it will be good. And it will last for the rest of my life. She also said this interesting thing about a fight with a female relative a while ago and how it left a big hole in my aura and that I need to talk with her and say what I mean. I know exactly who she is talking about, and hopefully we will have a conversation this weekend.

Last night I had a dream I was smoking cigarettes. The other night when Steven got drunk I dreamt I smoked pot. And I felt so guilty, I was like “Aw shit, now I have to start that three weeks again!” Clearly this shows that stress makes me think about my old comrades the cigs and weed. Dammit. I don’t want to think about them at all.

It is now day 24 without weed! 😀 I’m a little down, and I haven’t worked out much this week. That might have something to do with it. I know I am still withdrawing, it sucks. Withdrawals! Bleh. I want to be happy again dammit. Living with an alcoholic isn’t any good either, it has amped up my stress and anger and diminished my mental health. I am considering if it is time to go back to the hospital, because making a plan to stab someone to death, as annoying as they are, isn’t a normal thing. I probably won’t do it, but what if I do?? What if his stupid asshole drinking pushes me over the edge one night? Eeep! He needs to go live at the Salvation Army with his blind alcoholic brother if he wants to keep drinking. I’ve had it.

On Sunday I had my first driving class, everyone was like “Have fun driving!” but it was the in class portion where we just sat around hearing about the rules of the road and the Graduated Licensing Program and watched some gory videos about what happens when you text and drive and hitting deer on the road and some goofy drunks falling on their heads in front of the police. It was pretty good really, even though I already saw the texting video because it circulated on facebook a while back. Our instructor is going to Ecuador for ten days, so we won’t be doing any in car hours until after the 20th when he comes back, but then I have six hours with him. The last two hours are the two hours just before the road test which he is gonna schedule for us and so hopefully by the time we do the test we won’t be so nervous. It’s a really good idea. And we will get to use his car for the road test. Excellent! It’s First Nations Driving Academy, my Mum saw their car in town a while back and wanted me to try with them, but I couldn’t find them in the phone book. Not a surprise since the business is up north actually, but he comes down to work for Saskatoon Tribal Council, who is paying for me to take this course.

And since I quit smoking up I will actually be able to practice driving with my mom. I won’t be spending my days being intoxicated and thus unable to drive! Woot woot! I’m happy about that. The road test will happen before March 31st, so hopefully I will have my license in April! Awesome!

My new bra is irritating my back and I can’t find my old bra. It’s distressing me because now I have a sore on my back and it hurts. I’ve never had a bra make a raw spot before!!!!

Tomorrow morning I am learning Social Media for my Company at Praxis. I hope I wake up in time. After that I am going to see my psychic at noon. I am bringing my laptop so I can record the session with Garage Band. I’m really excited, I am hoping it will give me some direction and let me know if the decisions I am making now are the right ones. I am pretty sure they are, deciding to quit weed is fairly substantial and was necessary. It was long overdue, I just wasn’t ready until I did quit almost three weeks ago. I was waffling and wavering on it for a long time. I knew it wasn’t good for at least three years, but I didn’t have that inner consensus about quitting until nineteen days ago. I still have some weed left, but it’s in the vaporizer which is being given away soon to a friend of my mom’s. And my mom is holding onto it and it’s hidden in her room somewhere. Either way, I quit while I still had a titch left, and that actually felt kind of good, because I wasn’t quitting with absolutely nothing.

I had this funny dream last night that I was heading to the altar expecting to marry some blonde dream woman who I was supposedly in love with, but when I got there my past big love was waiting for me and I was happy to see her. It was kind of funny because when I woke up I was like “Wait, that’s not right! I’m trying to get over her!” And anyway, I don’t think it will come true, because she does treat me bad when I try to be nice to her. So whatever, it must just be some weird subconscious thing.

A brain fart.

Mister and Beatrix Kitty are on my bed all curled up and sleeping, the little sweeties. Beatrix isn’t pissing around on everything anymore, unless I don’t take the laundry out of the basket quick enough, but my friend Carrie who I have been hitting the gym with lots and I agree that it’s probably because she views laundry baskets as cozy litter boxes. She’s not doing it maliciously anyway. Little Mister still barks too much, but he wasn’t too bad tonight.

I finally got my grant cheque today! I was so excited, I went down to a Sasktel Mobility store to get my iPhone 4S and found out Sasktel wants a $500 deposit from me first! :O FOCK! So since most of my cheque has a hold on it, I am gonna wait until next week. I can wait a week longer. But I did get some gym runners, which are SWEET! And I got Microsoft Office for my laptop, so now I can read and write word documents, kind of a crucial piece of software for me, considering how much I like to write. PLUS I can now use Excel and Powerpoint too. Woot woot!

I’ve been having trouble configuring my email on my computer, first it would send emails but not receive any, now it receives but won’t send. WTF? Something about my password not being right. What the hell!!!!????? ARG! I can figure it out, I know I can, it’s just gonna take me a couple more hours. I have resolved to use webmail until tomorrow night when I will work on the damn thing some more. I gotta get it sorted.

Work is work. I have to really get cracking on it. I’m behind where I was hoping to be by now, but I can catch up.

The roommate situation has slightly improved, although the day I deleted my dealer’s number he was drunk and pestering me to get him some ecstasy, and of course I told him “I deleted his number” but still he assumed I got E or something because I had money. I didn’t though. There have been warnings about bad E going around that has meth in it and is killing people. So I’m turned off by it now. I wasn’t ever a hardcore ecstasy user anyway though, it’s not a major loss for me. Anyway, now he is talking about getting help for his addiction, and Mum is looking into a treatment centre in Lethbridge that was recommended to her by a social worker we know. The one here wouldn’t be very good for him apparently. But she said when he comes back we might have to have a dry house, which is a major bummer for me because drinks cost more money if you have them in a bar or pub. And I like sitting at home and surfing the net with a beer in my hand. Sigh. Not all the time, just sometimes it is nice to have a six pack in the fridge.

Anyway, I still want to move out. I was thinking of moving out in a year when my business has had enough clients that I have enough in my business account to pay a minimum of three months wages for me, more would be better. But to have a guaranteed cushion of money to fall back on if I don’t get clients for a while, that would be good.

I have to find the perfect place for Mister, Beatrix, my unknown roommate and myself though. A small house in a safe neighborhood with a fenced yard for Little Mister to frolic in. He really likes houses with yards, they make him happy. He’ll wander around with his little tail wagging for no reason when he feels happy and secure in his housing, he gets depressed in apartments.

My inactive going nowhere crush resigned from working at my sister’s group home, so I won’t see her anymore. Kind of a bummer, I like seeing crushes even if they are never going to go anywhere anyway.

What else? Ah, not much else, I should go to bed because I do have to get up early and go to school and then my psychic and then do work work work. And then later on go to the gym and then go to bed again I guess.

OOOOHHHH! Nope, there is one other thing. I went to NA for the second time in my life yesterday night. There is a meeting in my neighborhood every Sunday at 8, so I went and I mostly liked it because it was a lot less sweary than the meeting I went to on Broadway. The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was this guy blaming all the women at the meeting for not helping out this other woman who was having a hard time and left before the meeting ended. I felt it was a bad way to end the meeting and just bad form all around. I didn’t stick around for the birthday cake and I feel kinda weird. I might go back. I probably will go back. But the next meeting I am gonna try and get to is the SOS meeting, it’s a Secular Sobriety meeting for people who don’t feel they fit in with AA/NA etc. The only problem is it is only on twice a month, and I don’t know if that is often enough for me right now. I am also going to still attend my Concurrent Disorders group, because I like that one and it is really supportive and there are professionals who work with us, I think one is a psych nurse and one is an addictions worker. Either way, it is more my speed and I can relate to the people there the best. And that is once a week every Friday. I am also ordering the Lifering workbook, which is another Secular Sobriety program that people can do on their own or attend meetings. There are no Lifering meetings in my area, but I read Empowering Your Sober Self and liked it, and their workbook is their other publication and I read selected chapters that they have as PDFs on their website and found it useful. So I’m going to see if it helps.

Well GOODNIGHT! I hope I have some awesome dreams! Getting my dreams back have been nice, they are slowly getting more and more frequent and clear. I remember them a lot better. Tonight I talked with one of my close friends, Robin, and it was really good and she was happy about all the changes in my life and that I am off weed. The only crappy thing about our conversation was how much her phone cut out! Oh well.

It’s Day 17! The end of Day 17. Last night I was around people smoking weed, and Budder, which is this super concentrated THC made from putting butane through marijuana buds and which costs ounce per ounce the same as gold. I was offered some, but I said no I quit and they said “Good for you” and that was that. It was pretty positive. I felt sort of tempted, but I didn’t want to fall back into that old stupid habit. I don’t want to be a chronic anymore and I know I can’t be a social smoker, it’s all or nothing with me.

I had a good chat on facebook tonight with a friend over this issue of being in love with someone who makes me feel stupid and dweeby. She said not to give that girl power over me in that way and that I should just concentrate on the good things that are happening in my life and that eventually hunnies would come when I am all sorted. It’s true. I want to be open to falling in love with someone new, someone who doesn’t make me feel like shit. Someone who isn’t going to take off if I have mental health problems again, which to be honest I probably will. Maybe not as bad, but at some point I am gonna be depressed or ridiculously manic. It’s just what I have to deal with. And I can’t be with someone and promise I won’t have those problems, because there’s only so much I can do to stay healthy.

So fuck her and fuck that and to hell with being in love. I want to get rid of my feelings for her and move on and be open to someone more suited to me, not someone who’s going to tell me I’m not good enough for her because I don’t have whatever she defines as ambition. She doesn’t even have an undergraduate degree, I don’t know where she gets off talking about a lack of ambition on my part.

Good things that are happening: well, I was offered another contract dealing with some performance archival footage for a local artist run organization, and I start my drivers education tomorrow at noon. I am finally seeing my psychic on Tuesday, which is really exciting, I am ready to find out about my future and get some direction again, I am hoping it will help me work on my five year plan. My quitting cigarettes is still going well, I’m on 2mg lozenges and I don’t have very many in a day, but I am still not ready to give them up completely. Like I said earlier I am on day 17 of no weed, and that is going well. And I am hitting the gym again tomorrow, which will be good for me, healthy. Make me happy. I’ve been going about five times a week or so, for an hour each time plus 20-30 minutes in the sauna after. It’s been really good for my detoxing. The only thing is I haven’t been knitting as much as I was for a while, it’s like I replaced knitting with going to the gym, and I think I need some more balance. Knitting is really nice. Plus I did want a scarf. So I should get back to it.

I do have hope for my life, I think I am finally getting back on track with where I want to be. I just wanted to be healthy and to have motivation again and so on and so forth. I want to make my feature film and make other films and continue progressing with my life. I dunno, maybe I’m not even ready for a relationship, there is a lot of adjusting I have to do now that I am not a chronic. There is one other person I would totally have a long term relationship with, but she lives way too far away. Still, she is really nice and cute and sexy and oh sigh. I would totally import her to Canada if she was into it, but I don’t think she is into it.

Plus, oh, I think I am not done experimenting. I want to try monogamy for a change. I think it would be nice to just be with one person, to devote all my loving and sexual energy to that one person and not be always pressured to keep looking for other lovers to make it fair that my partner has various other lovers. That really sucks. I’m kind of tired of poly relationships, I think they are a bit fake, and I just want to see if it would work out better for me to make a commitment to someone. One someone.

My friend made a point that my other dynamic was not very equal, and that is a concern. I need a more equal relationship, even for a submissive equality is important. I don’t want to end up with someone who has some kind of superiority complex. That’s really boring. I couldn’t be a good submissive if I felt like garbage. I wouldn’t feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. I guess some bottoms like being treated like trash, but I am not one of them, I like being highly valued, I think that’s the way it should be.

Anyway, I have some shows coming up at the Mendel this year and next year, I am in the It Is What It Is show that the National Gallery of Canada did of their recent acquisitions, and they are showing it here. And this other curator approached me about showing a few videos in a couple years. 2013 or 2014. And I am sure I have other shows coming up other places.

So yeah, fuck this love that never loved me. I deserve way more. I’m tired of trying and being treated like crap. Surely there is someone out there who is looking for a Thirza, someone who would be so into the kind of person I am and the kind of relationship I want. I feel like no one has ever really satisfied me yet. They’ve come close, but really I would never get back together with any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. No one has ever totally explored my submissive tendencies and my masochism, for example. I always feel rejected when I mention things I would be so into and my lovers act like I am a freak.

It’s now two weeks. One third of the way through the first heavy duty detoxing six weeks of being clean. I paid my debt to The Dude and deleted his number from my phone. I know if I was wiley I could get in touch with him again, it’s really mostly symbolic, but symbolism helps. I did buy a 50 dollar bra, I went to my favorite bra store and got fitted (40D) and picked out this cute navy blue soft cup number with some white lacy accents. Then I bought a book called “Butch is a Noun” by S. Bear Bergman which I had seen around and which I read while waiting for The Dude to meet me and get his cash. It’s really good, and especially relevant considering I am now making a video about being butch.

I’ve told my Mom that she can give my portable vaporizer to her friend who wanted it when I was done with it, and I am done with it.

There’s not much else exciting about quitting. I went to the gym tonight and did my routine and then sat in the sauna and talked with my friend Carrie. Working out that hard elevated my mood, which was really good for me. I’m really getting into it.

Introductions to the weight room jumped from 30 bucks to 47! :O Woah! Still, I do want to learn, so when some more cash comes in I will fork it over.

I figured out exactly how to properly rip a DVD for FCP X, I just have to buy the software. I was doing an experiment with the trial software and it worked, but it puts a watermark on the video so it was just a test. Either way, I am glad because now I can finally get to work and rack up some billable hours.

I’m needing to find a good place to do my work. Someplace quiet, where Coronation Street isn’t on.

My grant money is supposed to come in on Friday or Monday. I need to buy the plane ticket soon, before the fares go up up up. I guess I should also check my passport and find out when it expires. The folks in Australia didn’t get their funding, so it looks like I am not going after all. Maybe that is a good thing, I can’t really afford a trip to Australia AND a month in Germany in one year. Not yet anyway.

I’m seeing my psychic in less than a week! 😀 I’ll get to know my future! And if I should just let this one thing go or not. I really need to know. My friends told me I wouldn’t let it go even if she told me I should. Maybe they are right. But at least then I would be aware it was hopeless.

I don’t know the next step in my recovery. I guess I could go to 12 step meetings, but I don’t really like AA or NA. I’m going to my concurrent disorders group again on Friday. They are pretty helpful. I’m still reading that website with a page for each of the first 30 days. Today it was about deep breathing and “taking a breather” when one is stressed out. I suppose I could write about my feelings in my diary, the feelings I don’t express in my blog.

I’m so relieved my debt is paid and that I deleted his number. It was weighing on me. Now I feel like I can move on.

Spring is coming soon and I am still not done my friggin’ scarf. Dammit! I’ll be done it for next year, next year I will have the nicest warmest scarf ever!

UGH! Day 13 and I slipped into a funk later in the day. This evening I went for a really long walk with Shavonne and talked about a bunch of things and THAT was good, it wasn’t as hardcore as the elliptical, I mean I wasn’t sweating, but it did cover a whole wide area and we walked up one side of the river and down the other and over two bridges. It was good. It brought me up a little, but I can tell this little slump might hang around for a bit. I could go see my psychiatrist to get my antidepressants upped, but I am going to try and wait it out and see if it gets better or worse.

Detoxing sucks! If this is the only major side effect I get from coming off of weed, then that’s pretty good really. I know how to deal with depression. But it’s rough on my outlook and energy, it almost feels like being stoned and depressed, and I was quitting to get away from that shit. It’s supposed to be pretty common to get depressed. Blah! I’m just keeping on with my medications and hoping my mood stabilizers and antidep helps me out here.

I spent my 15 bucks and 13 I borrowed from Mom on a yoga mat. I am going to try and do some yoga in the mornings with the Namaste lady on tv. Namaste, bitches! I’m also meaning to do a drop in yoga class.

I was reading about other issues people have with withdrawals. Sweating, bad dreams, upset stomachs, loss of appetite. None of that has happened to me so far. So I guess I am doing pretty good really! I’m not really having anxiety either. I do have a bit of a case of the dumbs though, which bums me out. Like I’ll be sitting with my mom and I won’t know what to talk about. Or she’ll try to start a conversation and I can’t hold up my end of it very well, which is what I was like when I used. I guess I am distracted by all these feelings.

Tomorrow I get paid for February, and I can finally pay off an old drug debt and then take my next MAJOR step of deleting my dealer’s number from my phone. That will make me super happy. I think I’m ready. I’m glad I get paid tomorrow, I really need it. I need to give myself some kind of reward by getting something that isn’t drugs. I was thinking of buying a new 50 dollar bra or something. Something that would make me feel good. I also want to get an iPhone, but I might wait until the end of February when my business gets some money coming in, since it’s actually a business expense. I’m going to consider very carefully what to do with my money. Something life affirming I think. The bra is a pretty good idea. Maybe some runners too, for the gym. And 30 bucks for an introduction to the weight room at the field house. See, I don’t even know what to do with extra dollars! What do I do? I used to always spend my cash on marijuana. Or booze. But I don’t even feel like drinking booze, and I’m trying really hard to avoid cross addiction.

Actually, this is the time when I should get my next tattoo. Cherry blossoms on a branch on my left arm. I’ve been planning it for years and it has a deep meaning which is very relevant to my life at this moment in time. I used to get depressed every winter in Vancouver when the city was covered with a grey slate sky dripping rain, and I would promise myself not to make drastic decisions like suicide until the cherry trees blossomed. And of course by then there was sun and my depression would lift and I wouldn’t want to kill myself anymore. They always felt like hope to me. So I really want them on my arm, I just never had the extra cash to get it. But I guess I do now. I should do some research and find a good artist, hopefully a female artist because up till now all my tats have been inked by women. It would be a fitting end to my self destructive twenties which extended into my early 30’s.

I’m anticipating it taking about four hours, that’s roughly 400 bucks plus tip. It will probably take a couple sessions because I’ve only ever been able to sit for two and a half hours on a good day.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep. Thank god for my night meds, because they have spared me the horrors of withdrawal related insomnia! And even if there is some insomnia I always have back up Trazodone! 😀

Today is day 12. Almost two weeks clean! I am finally getting some real time from the last time I smoked up. I have had some dreams that are pretty vivid, but not a LOT of dreams. My mom noticed my teeth have gotten significantly whiter. Today I did some work on my contract and registered for a gst number for my business and went to the gym. I chickened out from doing a full 20 minutes on the elliptical though. On Saturday I went to the gym with some girls and did 20 minutes, and it was really good, but I just wasn’t able to go that far today.

I had a short craving today for weed when I looked wistfully at the place I used to stand and smoke, but I shook it off and told myself I don’t smoke anymore, and that satisfied me enough that I didn’t think about it again.

I am keeping myself really busy, and that has helped a lot. Going to the gym, doing work related stuff, reading about marijuana addiction online, running errands, keeping myself clean, I haven’t knit in a while but I plan to do more of that too.

I got 15 dollars worth of change the other day and I traded it with my mom and cousin for 3 five dollar bills. In the past I would have searched out someone who would sell me a piddly 15 dollars worth of weed, but that’s history. I didn’t need smokes either since I haven’t smoked since December 6th. So I still have fifteen dollars in my purse. I don’t know what I will spend it on. I don’t feel like buying beer. I do have things I need to get, but they require more than 15 dollars, so until then it is just this small amount of disposable income I have. I might stick it in a jar and save it for something. Or I could buy an iTunes card, which actually makes some sense, considering I have a new computer and need some tunes on it.

I know there are things I have to develop now that I am committing to a weed-free lifestyle. Going to the gym has been really nice, it is getting me in touch with my body. Actually, if I just had 15 more dollars I could pay for someone at a leisure centre to introduce me to the weight room and working out with weights, which is good for sculpting your body. And I have noticed a slight change in my muscle definition in my upper arms from doing the elliptical. It’s something I wanted to learn.

I’m not feeling trapped in terrible thoughts like I was when I used. Sometimes I would just start thinking about all kinds of negative things and get stuck there when I was stoned. Being stoned doesn’t always mean being happy, actually in the end I got depressed when I used.

I hear working out is really good when you are detoxing from marijuana, and for me that has proven to be true. I like the endorphins I get, and it has really kept down the cravings.

I have finally found some good websites to read while I do this. The University of Notre Dame has a really good webpage for the first 30 days clean, you are supposed to read one page every day and it gives you advice. I found it on day 8, but I bookmarked it and have been visiting it diligently everyday since.

It seems like a lot has changed in the last couple of months. And to think it all started with quitting smoking. It’s pretty amazing. I really hope things stay good, that I stay quit and clean and go to the gym on a regular basis and continue to knit and build up my work ethic again. I used to have an awesome work ethic. It piddled out in 2003 when I had my episode and was super chronic. I’ve got to get it back. I think it is coming back, I like the work I am doing now, my business is something I am passionate about and I know I am lucky because not many people get to do what they love for a living.

My big love did write back. She said she didn’t think us seeing each other was a good idea yet, and I actually had to agree. I feel like I need to work on myself a bit more before I can see her. But I was happy she said yet, because that means there might be a time in the future when it will be a good idea for us to hang out. And she does mean a lot to me.

Being a chronic dulls a lot of emotions. This is good and bad. It’s good because all those bad emotions like sadness and anger are dulled out and you don’t really care about it. Bad because those good feelings are ALSO dulled out. Also not feeling and thus not working through “negative” emotions keeps you stagnant.

I am having regular emotions again.

I get sad and angry and happy and content and all kinds of things I forgot I could feel. Sometimes I get surprised by tiny tears forming in my eyes because I am feeling something. And it’s not necessarily something that is even happening NOW, it could be something from the past that I haven’t thought about in a long time.

The other day I was thinking about my cousin Christopher who fell to his death in an industrial accident in 2006. I thought about the feeling of falling and the impossibility of saving oneself and I thought about how scary that must have been for him, and it made me really upset. Intellectually when it happened I knew all that, but for the first time I really really FELT it. And that shocked me. It was such a surprise because it has been six years and it felt so long ago now but I was a heavy user even then and I don’t think I really processed it the way I should have at the time.

That kind of thing is going to keep happening to me, I know it. And I really can’t do much else besides work through those feelings. I can’t just switch to another substance and numb myself out, I have to confront all these old feelings I didn’t feel.

I’m a bit worried. I feel like I didn’t cry as much as I should have/would have about my last break up, and I am worried it is really going to hit me and make me upset all over again, in a deeper more fundamental way than when it was actually happening.

BUT I am also feeling this profound sense of joy and excitement about my life, like I am really living, REALLY living! And that also makes me feel a sense of awe, like I have potential I had forgotten about. When I was just starting my video/film career I was so optimistic and had big dreams, and I never really lost those dreams, but I lost the motivation and focus to actualize them. And for the first time in a while I feel hope, hope that I can actually get my career back on track and make something out of myself. I feel like I really could make a low budget guerrilla feature film that could get some attention. I feel like I just might be able to change the world in some way through my art.

And for the first time I have some positive thoughts about moving out of my Mom’s house, like I could manage to earn enough of a living to pay for a rental property with a yard for Mister and get a queer/native roommate to help cover the rent. Like I could really live on my own again and even keep the place clean and make my own dinners. It’s not going to happen right away, not for months. But I think it will happen. I can see it happening. I might even make enough to get a down payment on my own house in five years, which is something I really want.

Things are looking up. But this will mean I have to emotionally grow, and growth can be painful sometimes. Still, these feelings mean more to me than any high I got from pot. I think the only high I ever really liked was when I was 19 and went to the laser light show. But the rest of them are forgettable. Completely forgettable. Just something I did. I used to think really good things about weed. Now I just see how many hours and years I wasted getting stoned instead of having a life. I tolerated so much crap getting stoned. Crappy surroundings, crappy conversations, crappy food, crappy movies. I used to watch CSI and get stoned and forget how it ended and always be surprised when that episode came on again.

I don’t know what else to write about today. I’m seeing my psychic so soon! I hope she says good things, although I know she is a realist who will tell me exactly what is going on. That’s good though. I need to know that stuff.

I’m lonely for a girlfriend. But maybe I’m not even ready for one yet? I don’t know. I think I could handle it. I think I could finally be a good girlfriend. I just don’t know who.

I asked the love of my life if she wanted to spend time with me again. She just didn’t respond at all. I can live with that. I think I will end up with the right woman, and maybe it isn’t even her. Maybe there is someone I don’t even know yet.

I have a more reliable gym buddy now, although she is leaving in a few months. But today we sat in the sauna after working out and it was awesome!

I am also thinking of getting Rosetta Stone and learning more German. More than my teeny tiny amount of German, I would like to be able to have a rudimentary conversation when I am in Hamburg this summer.

I finished a short Super 8 film which screened in Toronto tonight, and this spring/summer will be making a short video about being Butch and considering transitioning to male before changing my mind. And this spring I am putting in a grant application to the Canada Council to finally make Bunnyhug, with the most money you can get from the CC in Media Arts, but which is a far cry from the 250,000 digital low budget feature I could have made with CFC if only they had accepted my application. I am feeling pretty excited about all this creative output, and I think now that I have gotten clean, it is all realistic.

That’s what’s up. Things are going to keep changing, I know it. I just have to be prepared to ride it out and learn how to deal with life, sans weed.

I’m working out later today, which makes me happy, but I am also happy about new developments with my video editing company, because I have a contract for a job! I met with my client today and went over the project and got the footage to import and the price was agreeable to her and so IT’S ON! This means several good things. One: I don’t have to dip into my living allowance to pay for my company’s MacBook Pro. Two: I will be able to afford to get Final Cut Pro X and renew my Incorporation for the year (I incorporated last year on Valentines Day!). And Three: I will be able to pay my web designer, who also did my logo and business cards, and we will both be happy! Besides that when I get paid all the money I will be able to put some more into equipment for my business and save up some for future pay cheques to myself. I have to make a living and my income is only guaranteed until the end of July. So I hope more work comes in and hopefully at the end my client will let me use an excerpt for my reel on my website. ‘Cause I don’t think it’s very enticing for a video editing company to not have a reel on their website.

For the first time in a long while I feel optimistic about my company. I have crappy credit so I wasn’t able to get a loan, but a while ago at the last meeting with the people at Praxis School of Entrepreneurship one of the people said I should use my companies income to purchase capital. But it was always a bit of a chicken and egg thing: I needed equipment to do work but I couldn’t get the equipment unless I had work. UGH! But financially things have been going my way these days, which is a relief!

I’m so happy that I almost feel manic, although I know I am not because I have been diligent about taking my medication and I am not having bizarro thoughts of being uber special or things like that, getting messages, blah blah blah. Things are just working really well for me right now.

I think finally quitting pot has really helped. It would make me depressed and focus on the bad things in life, and my self esteem as a pot head wasn’t good either. This clear feeling is miles better than the stoned feeling actually, I don’t have that sense of guilt hanging over my head. And my feelings are REAL. It’s a little weird adjusting to having emotions that aren’t dulled and hazy. It’s only been 8 days, I think at 14 days I will start noticing more differences, because that will be a long time, for me, to be clean.

Exercising has been really good for me too, I was always told it was a good mood stabilizer, but I never got into it, probably because I was smoking up and too lazy and apathetic to get to the gym or go for long walks. It increases my confidence too, to know I can go through a full body workout on the elliptical for fifteen minutes, or to do five minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph before going back down to 3 mph for ten. It’s nice to set these little goals and actually reach them.

Now I am going to be using my brain for work, which also makes me feel pretty good. I get to exercise my creativity and logic and all those cerebral things involved in editing. And clearly being clean is REALLY good for that.

I hope this works out. I would hate to look for a J.O.B. job. Working for myself feels pretty good, although realistically I acknowledge my clients are my bosses while I’m doing a contract. My psychic once said I would live a comfortable life. So maybe I really will finally be able to be an editor, like I always wanted! It’s my all time dream job.

I’m seeing my psychic soon! Woooooooooooooooo! I am so curious to find out what she has to say about my life now that all these things have happened in the last five years!

I still want to make a five year plan. I really should do that.