Beatrix ISN’T being given away ASAP anymore. Now we are giving her a month to calm down and stop peeing on clothes and in the laundry basket and stuff. I hope she does calm down, because she is pretty sweet. And she’s a manx, so she has a little stump tail and that is really cute. People always ask me what happened to her, like she had her tail chopped off or something. I call her Stumpy sometimes. Deanna thinks she is self conscious of not having a longer tail, but I don’t think she cares.

Tomorrow will be FOUR WEEKS of not smoking! I’ve got to keep going! I am so close! I just have to keep not puffing and not hanging around people who are smoking cigarettes. I can do it! And after that I’ll finish off my first official month as a non-smoker. I really want to stay smober. I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally as a result of not smoking. My self esteem is even better. Like I have found a strength I can nurture.

I am wrestling with emotions about various women in my life, as in romantic interests and past romantic interests. One old crush is kind of pissing me off. Mostly just because I think she likes having lots of people like her but not really being serious. Like toying with people’s emotions. And I got over my crush a long time ago and didn’t care very much, but now I am just feeling irritated.

And then just when I thought I was getting over someone else she was actually being sort of sweet and it made me melt a bit and I am back where I was liking someone who doesn’t want to be with me. BUT I know we would be so good together! I feel like we would just make sense being with each other. And I’ve never had such good sexual chemistry with anyone else before. And even the kisses were the all time best kisses of my life EVER and I’ve kissed a lot of people, some of whom were much older with much more experience kissing. But these were just dreamy kisses. Oh man. The kind of kisses where you don’t want them to ever end, where your lips linger on each others at the end like neither person really wants to stop.

It would totally change my life if she gave me another chance. But I think she is through with me. I did meet someone who seemed like the kind of person I could settle down with, but she’s not really a possibility even though we had our moments of bliss. I know even if I didn’t get back together with the One I want to be The One, I would eventually find another One. It wouldn’t be the same though, at all. I have these really sweet submissive feelings about that One and I’ve never felt them with anyone else before. I’m usually more on the masochistic side than the submissive side. The two don’t always go together. But in this case they are both there. Sigh, and then the memory of those kisses still echoes in my heart.

Plus she was really fun to talk to, she was so smart and knew about all kinds of things and you could have a conversation with her about anything. And sometimes she seemed so deadly serious so it was fun to make her laugh about something.

Plus I gave her my virginity when we were teenagers. And for a while I thought it was a mistake, because she didn’t want to be my girlfriend and my first girlfriend was actually someone else. And we lost touch and all kinds of things happened to me and because of me and then I found her one day after I moved back to my hometown. And not through facebook either, or classmates, just from google! And we were close for a while until it all went to hell because I got sick. And then we might have been close again except I blacked out some of the time when I was crazy and I didn’t remember what I changed my password for my email to, nor did I remember the answer to my security question, for something like three years! And she had sent an email wondering how I was. But I didn’t get it for a really long time.

It’s kind of a tragic story really. They say bipolar disorder destroys relationships pretty frequently. It makes me worry. After I got diagnosed it took me a really long time to find someone I liked who wanted to be intimate with me, and I think part of that had to do with stigma. Then when I did have someone sweet, I acted out because I was out of control because I went off my meds.

And falling in love is actually super stressful, even if it is the second time you have fallen in love with that person.

I blame my psychic. I wouldn’t have this problem except for a cryptic thing she said. She saw what was going to happen when I went crazy and we broke up or whatever, and it made her go “WOAH! That is a messy breakup!” And then she said “Oh! You could make a go of it. But you will always be suspicious.” And I immediately thought, suspicious of what? But now I don’t even care if I am suspicious of something, I just keep thinking about that glimmer of possibility that the spirits she was consulting with alluded to. Could we? It’s haunted me ever since, because of all the women I have ever loved, there was only one I actually seriously wanted to marry.

I’ve never lived with a lover. I don’t know what it is like being with my beloved on a daily basis. Trying to negotiate how to keep a home. I just never dated someone I felt that sure about I guess.

I still have this three year plan in my head. It goes like this. Year One: Dating. Year Two: Living together. Year Three: Getting engaged and getting married at the end of the year. I feel like I don’t want to rush into anything. Maybe I would rush anyway. But I don’t know, going through all those stages of a relationship is important I think. How will you know you want to marry someone if you don’t live with them first? How will you know you want to live with someone if you don’t spend at least a year just on dates?

So I don’t know who I will get to do the three year plan with. But the other thing my psychic said is I would get together with someone I would be with for the rest of my life.

And that’s all I have ever really wanted. I’ve always been looking for a forever with somebody. I am going to turn 34 in April. I feel like I am finally ready for it to happen.

All beginnings are new actually, so it’s kind of a redundant title. But I wanted to open with something that sounds inspiring.

I didn’t have a cigarette this New Years Eve, even though I was at a bar and could have just walked out and bought one from someone standing outside in the cold with fifty cents. BUT NO! I used my money for drinks and some other stuff and I had a good time, I didn’t even really think about cigarettes until someone asked me if I was going to smoke. I said no. Because I don’t even really WANT to smoke. It grosses me out. And I read this quit smoking quote that went something like “If I smoke I will be back where I started, and where I started was wanting to be where I am now.” It’s true. I hated smoking. I just wanted to give it up. And I did give it up over and over and over. I just kept going back to it, it would start with thinking one puff wouldn’t hurt and I could go back to my quit. But I didn’t go back to my quit after that puff, it lead to another puff, and another, until I was at the store buying cigarettes again because everyone was annoyed with me bumming theirs. Bad bad bad!

Ironically, I was going to cap off the year by puffing on that thing I love that isn’t tobacco, but nobody had any last night! :O It was shocking! I was going to puff away and then try six sober weeks. But there was nothing to be had. Sooooo, I dunno. Should I just go straight into my six sober weeks, or should I get some stuff and have a last hurrah? I get paid tomorrow, and I have to see The Dude anyway to pay him back some money. It would make sense to get some. But maybe I am just making excuses. My brain is trying to come up with any flimsy reason to buy more. Flim flam!

This week we start using our leisure cards. I am going to fork out the thirty bucks to get acquainted with the gym equipment. I want some muscle definition in my arms. I don’t care about a flat tummy or even losing weight, I just want to know I will have stamina when I am finally having sex again. Some girls take a really long time to climax and it sucks to have your arm give out when they are on the verge. I suppose by this logic I should also be licking a lot of ice cream cones. What the hell can you do to exercise your tongue? Tongue twisters? I dunno. Ululating?

Maybe.

Kissing would be good tongue exercise, but I have no one to kiss, so that’s out.

And yet because I quit smoking, I am so much more kissable! I would actually taste nice, not like a divine ashtray.

I have to get serious about my business. BLAH! I don’t even feel like writing about all the things I have to do regarding that. But I should make myself a plan for the next six months of what I am going to do.

This week we will HOPEFULLY find out about the grants we applied for, Mum applied for a grant to make some new work and go to a bead store in Washington (the state), and I applied to do a video about being butch and also do the editing in Hamburg at a residency. So I don’t know what will happen, I hope I get it. I’ve been feeling very discouraged about grants these days. The last two years I have only gotten travel grants. Also I am thinking about getting started on writing a production grant application, which will be due April 1st in the Aboriginal Section. I’m nervous about that too, because you can only apply with a project twice and then that project is killed if you don’t get your grant. Which is what happened to my Mars video, which is sad because I thought it was a really good idea and would have advanced my career a lot.

Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.

I’m interested in telling stories about queer folks that are about larger topics and just happen to have queer characters in them. Like Bunnyhug is a queer film but it’s really about going crazy. That kind of thing.

I have to call PAVED Arts on Tuesday and rent some equipment, but they don’t have a list of their mobile equipment on their website anymore, which is problematic!

Automatic problematic.

There is a small child here and both the other adults who look after him are sleeping. So I am stuck being a child wrangler. I’m not doing a very good job of it either, right now he is turning the water on and off.

I moved my bedroom upstairs on Friday. I am liking it so far, but I dislike that I can’t shut the door or the dogs and cat freak out in the middle of the night and paw at it and scratch it, and it doesn’t matter if they are in or out of the room, they paw at it either way.

I did come to a major decision though. Beatrix Kitty has started peeing on everything, so I am going to let her go to a different home. If she keeps peeing on their stuff, then I am going to suggest she move to the country and be a barn cat. It sucks, because she is a really sweet kitty, but I can’t stand it when cats pee on my stuff. It’s a dealbreaker for me.

Anyway, three dogs is enough, we don’t need a cat too.

Oooh! I gotta go! Cripes! Maybe I will write more laterz!

I have had an unprecedented amount of unrequited crushes in my life. It kind of sucks! I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I keep picking such unattainable women to fall for. I often wonder if it’s because subconsciously I don’t feel deserving of a mutually loving relationship. There’s got to be something going on! Sometimes I wish I had a real counselor and not just a psych nurse.

I was doing alright for girlfriends between the ages of 19 to 23, then it all kind of petered out and I ended up falling in love with women who became friends and nothing further over and over. I’ve had an unrequited crush for four years at a time sometimes. That’s a long time to be romantically preoccupied with someone who doesn’t even want to have sex with me! Oh man.

So you can understand why I feel like desire is totally futile.

I wonder what will happen to me the day it ISN’T futile anymore? Will I have a really hard time adjusting to being with someone who really wants me as much as I want them? Will I get all scared because it hasn’t happened for years and run away as fast as I can? Will I get all jerky and crabby to drive them away? Will I get stressed out because I am in love and go insane? It’s worrisome.

But not as worrisome as the alternative, which is that I spend the rest of my life alone continuing to get unrequited crushes and feeling depressed like the Phantom of the Opera, which I almost spelled Oprah. Yes, the Phantom of the Oprah.

Here’s something to make you cry, it’s from Post Secret about sad love.

I am tired of sad love. Well anyway, enough of this blogging for now, now I am off to keep slowly moving all of my bedroom things upstairs to my new bedroom. I will think of a good New Year’s Eve blog to end the year with!

I am doing my annual hunt for worthy New Years Resolutions. For the first time in years, quitting smoking isn’t on my list, because I already HAVE quit and I just have to stick to it. It’s been over three weeks now, and I am doing much better. I did dream again last night about smoking, but I just brushed it aside when I woke up and it hasn’t bothered me.

So OTHER resolutions. Well, I do still want to exercise more. My mom and I are planning on going to the leisure centres to do Aqua Boxercise this year. I hope we do it, it would be so fun! I only did it once last year, pretty silly since I had a leisure card.

I should commit to doing my laundry more often, it would make me look a lot less shabby. Shabby lady! I am going to otherwise care for my grooming more. Like not walking around with bed head all day anymore. And being sure to brush my teeth twice a day. And flossing, which I was going to try and do last year but I forgot.

Intellectually, I think I need to commit more time to reading. I need to read a variety of things too. I don’t know what kind of goal to set around reading. A book every two weeks sounds about right. I will need to get my library card ship shape then, because I have really bad fines on it. UGH!

Creatively I am going to stick to my goal of making two videos a year. I will be done this Super 8 film in the next couple of weeks, and then I have my butch video I will hopefully get a grant for. I am also going to be applying this year for production funds to make Bunnyhug. I hope I get some cash! I really want to do my feature and it’s not like Telefilm is going to give me any money before I have made a feature. It’s so complicated. You must produce a feature to be eligible to get money to produce a feature. ??????

And I am going to keep trying to get into good writing habits of writing everyday, even a little bit. Not necessarily always in this blog, but writing anything, bits of my novel, a short story, a poem, a grant application, whatever. I must increase my output!

My big challenge this year though is to accomplish 6 sober weeks from that thing I love. After 6 weeks I am going to re-evaluate how I am doing from where I began and decide if I am going to stay clean. I have meant to do this for a really long time. If it turns out I am doing way better, then I think I will try to hang on to my clearness. I’m also very curious about how it will impact my creativity, since that is my most important aspect of my life being an artist and writer. And if it will allow me to be more productive, which is also important. It’s all an experiment. But it’s exciting.

The thing I have worried about is how irritable I know I will get and wondering when I can expect it to end. I don’t want to be a bitch forever. And I don’t want to fuck up relationships (not Relationships cause I don’t have one) with friends and family because I’m withdrawing from weed and am all crabby and jerky. I wish I could write a big disclaimer and stick in on my forehead, some kind of apology in advance. It’s probably what I am worried about the most.

Quitting smoking has made me think it’s more possible to quit weed for a while anyway. I’m still obviously ambivalent about giving it up forever, but at the same time I know I would save a lot of money and probably feel way better. Who knows, maybe even the amount of psych meds I am on would go down. Maybe I could even go off Risperidone. That might be nice, then I could do mushrooms again. Ha ha, I’m kidding. Am I? O.o

You can find magic mushrooms on lawns in Surrey!

Aw, I still remember that time I did mushrooms and they worked. That was so fun. Oh man. That was that magical winter before I went crazy and everything went to hell. Damn.

I’m going to be busy this year. I’ll be in Germany for a month this summer if all goes as planned. I will also be in Australia at some point for a couple of weeks. And then when I get home I will find out if I got my production grant for Bunnyhug. AAAAARG! I hate that, it’ll be the third summer in a row where I run out of cash just before finding out if I have a grant. HOWEVER, if I work really hard at advertising and doing sales calls, I might have enough clients for my business that I can earn a living on my own. And then I won’t have to worry, because I will already be booked up for work in August. That’s the only way to save myself! I have to plan for this way in advance, because the last two summers have been shitty for being broke ass Thirza in August when all the fun events happen in Saskatoon like the Fringe and the Exhibition and Folk Fest. And I don’t want to have to stay home again.

All of this, of course, means that I absolutely must not have a manic psychosis this year. Or at least wait until September to have one. Ha ha, no, none at all! Nyet!

If all goes according to plan then fall 2012 will be spent auditioning and location scouting and so forth, and then I will be shooting my feature just before the Solstice. When the WORLD ENDS AND THE ALIENS LAND!

And then I will apply for post production funding, and end up waiting until August for the fourth year in a row.

Oh man!

This Christmas was different for me because while I drank, I actually didn’t drink that much. I had two drinks on Christmas Eve and maybe four drinks on Christmas Day, spread out over several hours. I felt a lot better. I was clearer and I dunno, it was just nicer.

I also avoided smoking even though all my cousins were smoking all around me. I have cut back on my nicotine lozenge intake too, which is good, I am just forgetting to take the odd one now and then. It’s just happening really naturally. I’m not even thinking hard about cutting down on them.

Oh Jeez I just stopped the wiener dogs from attacking Beatrix Kitty! Poor Beatrix Kitty! :O

But it worked out better this year. Except for my alcoholic roommate problems. My cousin got spectacularly drunk on Christmas Eve and it pissed me right the fuck off. I am just getting sick of dealing with this shit in my own home. Once he’s gone I think we should make a commitment to only live with other females. Without drinking problems! Oh man. I never grew up with alcoholics in my daily life, and I’ve been fortunate enough that my roommates while I was an adult didn’t have drinking problems. So this is all new to me. And it’s just going on and on and I don’t see him ever getting sober, to be honest. And I am now worried it is impacting my stability, because I need a stable home life to maintain my sanity! And I really don’t want to end up in the hospital again. Twice was quite enough!

Damn.

I hate this.

If he doesn’t quit or leave I might have to move out. Something has to majorly change, it can’t keep going on like this.

So that’s what I was thinking about all of Christmas day, and I looked on Kijiji for pet friendly housing and the rent was like 850 in this different places and up. Shitty. Right now I pay 500. And for the next six months I am only making 1000 a month. So I don’t know what I am going to do.

And Mister needs a backyard where ever we go, and very few carpets.

It’s a mess. I know Steven needs a good place his son can come and visit, but I also need a stable house without some drunk bothering me every five minutes and drinking all my booze because he doesn’t know when to stop.

Once when I got screened for drug and alcohol problems, the results said while I had problems with marijuana, alcohol use wasn’t a big issue in my life at all. And alcohol abuse and being a pothead are two very different things, I have discovered. Potheads just get laidback and sleepy and hungry, but alcoholics turn into different people. SUCH different people. It’s like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde kind of stuff. It’s weird!

That’s why I don’t like it.

Addiction is weird.

Well anyway. Today I am going for coffee and doing some knitting with my friend Daniel. I have gotten really into knitting, and I have finally knit enough that I feel like maybe I will have a scarf by February. Plus I will have someone to talk to about this terrible home situation

I can see why so many people kill themselves this time of year. UGH! It is majorly stressful. And it is like this every year. I want to celebrate Christmas away from the larger family. There are too many of them and they get in my space. My Uncle, Auntie, and two cousins are spending Christmas in Jamaica. I think they have the right idea.

The problem is I just don’t know why we do Christmas. It’s supposed to be a big family thing but it’s just all messed up and so much has to be done. And I don’t like doing the work of entertaining large groups of people and being subjected to family judgement. Blah! Fuck that! I am so sick of Christmas. 33 of them is quite enough.

And there are too many invitations to things, and I am not going to be able to see every one, and I am already pretty much booked up for social events until the 27th. I am also stressed out by the sheer cost of Christmas. It worries me. I am going to be glad when my Christmas is just me and two other people or something like that. All day. No hordes. No family drama. No people bitching at me like I am bitching to you about how stressful it is.

I still haven’t smoked! I am feeling good about that. I love not smoking! I had a dream I had cigarettes last night. I didn’t smoke them, but I looked at them and longed for them. It was a weird dream. BUT I refused to let myself smoke them, even though I was totally subject to the whims of my subconscious. It’s been 2 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 3 mins since I quit smoking.

I have hated Christmas for a long time. Not the actual holiday, just all the expectations that surround it.

And this Christmas we are doing renovations. It’s really rough. So much going on in our house.

And Sky will be home, which is always a lot of work because she is special needs. I just don’t understand why the family expects mom to do so much work to entertain them at Christmas when she also has to look after Sky.

It’s always been like that too. They’re going to stress her and me out so much we have heart attacks. In fact I should just rent defibrillators every Christmas from now on.

Aaaaaaaah! I want to run away!

I will find some Christmas cheer after another beer. I am just going to drink myself through the holidays. Like regular folk do when they are stressed out.

I have awoken from a HORRIBLE sleep! I forgot to take my night meds at first and by the time 2:30 rolled around and I was still up, I went upstairs and took them. I fell asleep half an hour later, but then mum woke me up to look at Maeshowe at solstice (I slept a little more so I actually missed it) and then I missed out on getting a full eight hours.

So I am going to be crabby today.

I think I am finally falling out of love, which is GOOD! I’m tired of being treated badly and I’m tired of her attitude about me. She’s got these weird ideas of who I am that don’t match up with how I see myself. Or I didn’t see myself that way for a long time, and then it kind of leeched into my soul and tarnished my vision of self. I don’t think it’s good to love someone who doesn’t think you can do anything. It’s much better to love someone who thinks you can do amazing things.

So I still don’t know who I will fall in love with next, and it doesn’t really matter. I can be a whole person without a girlfriend. My psychic says I will end up with someone for the rest of my life, so that is good to hear. It just troubles me, this fear that I will end up with someone emotionally abusive again. Or any kind of abusive really. Because that kind of shit sneaks up on you. I have this theory that you can tell a lot about a potential mate by how they treat people in the customer service industry. If I’m on a date with someone and they yell at some customer service rep, I’m out. Not interested at all!

Steven seems to have gone back to his partner. I don’t know if he is still living with us or what, but we have to rent out the basement when it is finished. I hope he doesn’t go back just to get kicked out again after we’ve gotten a new tenant. I don’t know where he would go.

This Christmas we are having a ham! I love ham, I am so excited, we hardly ever get ham. And turkey is kind of lame, it dries out so fast and there are too many leftovers. At least with leftover ham you can cut off a slice and fry it up. What can you do to reheat turkey and make it taste good? Mum always puts turkey on bread with gravy, but I’ve never been a fan of that combo.

Last night I dyed my hair Hot Hot Pink by Manic Panic! I’m so happy, pink hair, pink hair! I wanted to dye it earlier but my horoscope said not to make changes to my appearance until after the 13th. And it was good to wait, because I found out I am getting income assistance and don’t have to worry about a job job.

I really want my business to take off. I had to crack the whip on the logo designer because I’ve been waiting for it for months and I really need it so I can get business cards made. It’s kind of fucking me up actually.

My cousin Sharlene is spending Christmas eve and Christmas morning with us. I’m kind of excited to have her here, should be fun! We’ll watch Auntie Mame on Christmas Eve and then go to bed and wake up for presents, stockings, and mimosas, and then cap it off with a great big brunch with blueberry pancakes and bacon and pork sausages! I love Christmas morning because it’s when my little family does our thing, without the whole big family being around.

Well, what else? I am crabby. I should get over it, but sleep deprivation doesn’t make me a very happy person, it kind of fucks with my moods actually. Sucks!

The basement is so close to being finished! And after Christmas I get to move up to the ground floor and have a bedroom with giant windows. WINDOWS!!!

Christmas is less than a week away! Sunday! OMG! I still have to get my cousin something, although I am dubious about whether he will get me anything. I know what I am getting him, but my Mom called me an enabler so I might get him something else. Depending on how much it is. He didn’t come home last night. I don’t know where he is.

Beatrix Kitty likes laying on her back. She’s doing it right now, all flopped out beside me purring. She’s a cute cat, I like her. She went through a terrible phase when she was a kitten, but all kittens are terrors.

Today in three hours it will be two weeks without a cigarette! But today is really rough. I am having terrible thoughts of going out and getting a butt to smoke, which is ridiculous because there aren’t even any butts or cigarettes in the house, that’s why Steven left last night. The temptation is really bothering me, especially since I read COPD screening questions at the clinic the other day and noticed I had two of the warning signs, coughing up phlegm and shortness of breathe. But my breathing is actually pretty good, and I think I am just coughing up phlegm because my lungs are cleaning themselves out. At least, that is what I am hoping.

Either way I know if I keep smoking I am on the path to getting COPD and it terrifies me. I don’t want to be all gibbled because of a dumb addiction that made me feel guilty for years. I just hope it’s not too late for me. And I hope these urges to smoke go away. For most of my quit I have had a pretty good time of it, except for a handful of days when I really thought about having a cigarette. It was funny, I would feel really vulnerable to a relapse for about a day and then the next day I would be on top of the world, looking down on creation! So I know these rough days pass. But damn it is hard. Still, every time I feel the trigger to smoke and I don’t give in, I am deprogramming myself. And that feels good. They say quitting smoking is a process, not an event. Much like coming out of the closet I guess.

Speaking of coming out of the closet, I have realized it is a lifelong process. I come out a lot, but sometimes I just forget until it gets really awkward. It makes me realize I could go back in the closet just because of someones heterosexist mindset. I wanted to just make an announcement and be done with it and have everybody know. But no, I have to keep asserting it. Imagine being heterosexual and having people you meet constantly think you are queer, it gets annoying! Being presumed heterosexual is so bizarre. And it’s especially awkward when I have to shrug off sexual attention from clueless straight men, because they have that whole idea that lesbians are doing it just to turn them on. UGH!

There’s my rant for the day. That will be five cents.

No, there is more I want to write about I am sure.

I am a bit concerned by how many people I am supposed to buy Christmas presents for now. I really liked it when I just bought for my mom and my sister, and now people are telling me to buy for a whole bunch of people and I just can’t afford it. Next year I am going back to my rule of only buying for my mom and Sky. I don’t really care about a big Christmas. And I’m not even Christian! I should celebrate the solstice. The earth is tilting back towards the sun and the days will get longer again, that’s reason enough to celebrate.

It’s been unseasonably warm this fall/early winter. And there is hardly any snow. And I am being governed by a corrupt government which denies the very real fact of global warming, even though it is fucking with our arctic. Just because they can get some money out of the tarsands, which by the way uses more oil to produce a barrel of oil. SIGH! And I also disagree with fracking, I think it will increase earthquake prone regions. Even the US Military gave up fracking because they knew it was causing earthquakes.

Canada is going to shit. And we have four more years of this, and the NDP is being so damned quiet since Jack Layton died. We’re the opposition, we should be doing more, it seems. We need someone who’s brave enough to stand up to the bullies in our government. And we can’t even call it the Canadian Government anymore, now it’s the Harper Government. So fucked up.

I’ve really gotten into knitting these days. It’s a skill for the apocalypse! LOL! We’re days away from 2012, and there are still people I know who think something big will happen. I don’t know what I think. I definitely think things are coming to a head. I can see civil unrest happening in Canada with this government that doesn’t listen to it’s people. And I know aboriginal people in Canada are really getting fed up with the racism and racist policies directed towards us. Racism is abuse. It’s not funny and it’s not merely an opinion, not when it is entrenched within government through things like the Indian Act. And it keeps me from reading the comments section. It seems like everyone in Canada is a racist if you just read the comments section.

Knitting is awesome! I got tips last night from my friend Daniel and now I can do stitches a lot faster and easier and my tension is much better. I doesn’t take as long to do a row now, which is making my tiny scarf finally progress. I am taking a break now to look at facebook. But I am going to knit again after I finish this post.

I don’t have a knitting bag, so I am keeping everything in a liquor store bag. I hope I don’t get mugged when I am walking around with it. I’m sure someone would be really disappointed to get unfinished knitting instead of booze.

I heard it is cool to knit, is that true? I wasn’t trying to be cool. My grandma and mum knitted, and I kind of always wanted to learn but thought it would be terribly complicated. Plus I really need a scarf. I need a hat too actually, maybe I will make one after this scarf is finished.

It’s really relaxing to knit. It’s kind of addictive.

It’s way better than smoking anyway, I wanted to do something else with my hands after I quit.

I have still quit! Not a single puff! It’s been really positive. Some days are hard, but I have gotten through them. When I had a dream about smoking I had a bit of a rough day, but I still didn’t smoke.

My psych nurse told me that the addiction workers who run the dual diagnosis group here are really good at helping people resolve ambivalence about sobriety. I am kind of curious to talk to them about it. My ambivalence is legendary!

I’m so tired! I can’t believe I woke up and stayed up all day. I was fretting in my head since the drama of Thursday, but I have figured out how to deal with it in the future. So that’s good.

Tonight we went shopping for christmas stocking stuffers and presents. I know what dvd I am getting because I picked it up and said “OMG!” It’s Disney’s The Sword In The Stone, which is REALLY good! And I have never seen a copy of it since we last rented it at the video store when I was a kid. Maybe Kristjan will like it.

I’m staying home tonight, last night I went out and got really drunk and now I just want to sit at home knitting or in front of the computer while either drinking a pepsi or sucking on a mini nicotine lozenge. As I have gotten older, nights in are beginning to look more appealing. It’s saving me money, that’s for sure. Plus I am a little better at bedtime and night meds when I stay in. Sometimes I forget to take my night meds when I have been out, and usually my bedtime is way later too. But also some nights when I stay in I write until 2am.

I’m so tired! I think tonight will be an early night. The basement is getting renovated for Steven to move down there, and we have to paint it this weekend. I am in charge of painting all the trim, as in baseboards. And I also have to go through each board first pulling out the nails with a pair of pliers. I’m dreading the nail removal rather than the actual painting. Painting is kind of fun. Pliering is kind of suck ass. And I think I just made that word up.

I have no money coming in until January. I think I am going to take a break from my favorite thing just for financial reasons. I can’t afford to go into debt over my stupid addiction. Although weed at Christmas would be really nice. Or am I using it medically? I don’t really know. A break wouldn’t hurt me though. I might get crabby but that’s about the worst thing that would happen. Hopefully I don’t get too crabby. Apologies in advance!

I really need a shower. And to brush my teeth. And to have a pee. And to put on deoderant. Tomorrow we put up Santa window clings and the tree with Kristjan! We have been saving it for when he comes over. I love our atheist Christmas tree. It’s all santas and fruit!

Speaking of Christmas, both Mum and I want to change how we celebrate, or not celebrate it. It costs way too much money. And it is really stressful. I think it will be much more modest as the years go by. This year she is only giving me a stocking, but she gets really good stuff for our stockings. And I don’t really need a present too.

Hmm, maybe I should go shower and generally clean myself up and then make a hot apple drink and knit for a while. That sounds really nice actually. YAY for staying in on a saturday night! I LOVE staying in on Saturdays!

I got funded from Saskatoon Tribal Council!!!!! I am getting six months of income support while I work full time on my business. I have to write a report in three months and then another report at the end of the six months. And go in every month to sign a paper for expenses so I can get paid.

I’m pretty happy. I found out on Tuesday and today I finally got to sign my paper for January’s money, so I called my worker this afternoon and cancelled welfare. YAY! I am not on WELFARE ANYMORE!!! I can make money and not be sneaky! Whew, that’s good because I got four hundred bucks from a screening this month! I love when random artist fees come in.

In a few weeks, like maybe three weeks, I should know if I got my Sask Arts Board grant. I hope I did, otherwise I have to rearrange my whole residency in Hamburg. But so far I have had some money luck, so I hope it continues.

Grandpa and I were in the backseat of the car and he started singing “Meewasin, meewasin, meewasin soniyas!” and taking out some money to give to Mum for Sunday dinner. In English that would be “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful money!”

I think I am going to sing that song next time I get money!

I’ve been thinking seriously about making an extremely low budget feature film from my screenplay Bunnyhug. I think I still look young enough that I could play the lead role, which would cut down on actors fees. I think I could do a bare bones version with minimal video equipment and spending most of the budget on actors and crew. It’s a film about extremely poor people too, so locationwise it shouldn’t be too difficult to find a set. I’m not needing a mansion, that’s for sure! I think that is what my next grant application at Canada Council will be for. And if I did a feature with Canada Council money and it was moderately successful (as in finished) I could go on to Telefilm money for bigger projects in the future.

I just think I really want to make narrative feature films, and I may as well start now. I have a whole blueprint for a movie, and it entertains me when I read it. It’s a love story but really it’s about insanity. I think it’s important. And funny. Funny is good. And I know how to use my camera and I can edit and I can direct and act (actually I am a decent actor). Who knows, maybe I can even rent my mom’s basement apartment for a couple weeks to shoot in.

It’s ambitious, but I think I can do it. And I’ve been thinking about this project since 2003, I’ve planned all kinds of things about it. I know how I want lines delivered and what I want the set to look like and props I will have to collect. I know all their interior motivations and I’ve plotted how the edits will go.

Plus I need a big project to work on. I made a documentary feature, but I really want to get into drama. And who knows, maybe it will set the stage for me getting Telefilm money for Mars: The Maiden Voyage.

So that is what I am thinking about.

Monday I will get my footage back from the lab. That reminds me, I have to call and book the projector for Tuesday! And my video camera still needs to be cleaned, dammit! I will have to rent a mini dv video camera from PAVED for a day. I should have done that volunteer work, then I could have gotten production credits.

Tis a crazy life, to be a presently sane filmmaker.

My mom and grandparents went to my Uncle Doug’s company lunch today. It was nice, I was sitting across from his cameraman and we got to talk shop.

Oh and I have to buy some sharpies.

I think it’s gonna be a good little film.

There was some drama in my house the other day, my cousin’s ex/still sort of girlfriend yelled at my mom, in her own house, the nerve! It pissed me off. I like having a happy home and I really resent people bringing negativity into the house. And verbal abuse is not to be tolerated. UGH! It brings me back to being concerned about who I end up with for a partner. I don’t want someone who makes me feel bad.

Then Mom pointed out that someone I like makes me feel little and small. And I thought about it and I was like “Holy shit, you’re right!” It irked me. I don’t like feeling little and small, because I am not. I have a decent career, even if I have not made a million dollars off the back end of a five minute short. And I am doing things all the time.

But the other concerning thing about the verbally abusive episode in my house yesterday is that I don’t want someone elses bad attitude to negatively impact my stability which I have worked SO FUCKING HARD ON for years! I’m not interested in being some unstable person’s punching bag, or for my mother to be the punching bag either. It really upsets me. Stress isn’t good for people with bipolar disorder, and it has precipitated my episodes in the past. So after living with mom for over a year and falling into a decent living arrangement, I don’t want everything to get fucked up and higgledy piggledy! Aw fuck I think I spelled that wrong, oh well.

I saw my psychiatric nurse a couple of days ago. She wants me to approach the Partnership through the Schizophrenia Society to do public speaking with my mom about my recovery from bipolar disorder. I think I am going to do it. I could do like, five talks a year or something. I could do more, but I am going to start off reasonably.

She also told me she thought I was very gracious when I was all overmedicated and in a group home for months. She thinks that I might never have another big episode if I stay on my meds, and continue to do other things that aid my little brain, like getting proper sleep and eating right and stuff.

I really hope so. I don’t think I could handle another manic episode, I would feel like my whole life was unraveling all over again.

Hey hey hey it has been ten days since I had a smoke! I am doing good! I’m really committed to not smoking this time, yesterday I sort of hit a wall and kept thinking about smokes, but I persevered!