I am supposed to go to Australia next year. I am super excited about this, having NEVER gone that far away and also because of the Aborigine culture in Australia. I am not excited about the racism there, but is it worse than in Canada? Canada is pretty racist. All you have to do is read the comments section of the Globe and Mail or CBC to see it in action.

Also all this furor over Attawapiskat. So many people are blaming the band and council, even though they had so little to work with. For those of you from outside of Canada, Attawapiskat is a reserve in Manitoba where the housing situation is so dismal that people are living in condemned housing and tents even in the winter. The government says they had 90 million to build homes, but after everything is taken into account they really only got five million in six years to build new homes, and most of that went to education (they didn’t have a school for a while). Now they have been placed under 3rd party management, which basically means the governments that fucked them over have more power over how they spend their money. It’s a slap in the face.

I am really working hard on quitting smoking. It’s not going very well, but I am still going to try hard! My cousin gave me three beers and it weakened my resolve. But I am still determined tomorrow morning I am not going to have that first smoke!

What else should I talk about? Well, Mister the therapy dog (because he’s not really a service dog) has been getting along well. I was worried getting a dachshund that his back would have problems, but there was only one week where he yelped a few times when he would play with the other dogs too hard, and so he is actually doing pretty good. His injury or whatever it was healed and now he is back to his rough and tumble self. He wrestles with Hermione, the other dachshund, and never complains. So I guess he is well. I love him so much.

Having a dog has improved my life so much. He is six now, so I have had him a little over five years. We got him in may 2006. And he was a year old then. He was going to be a breeding dog but the breeder decided she didn’t want to get into breeding long haired dachshunds, so she sold him to me at a year old for less money because he was going to get the snip and be a pet. And he has been a lovely pet. The only complaints I have about him is that he pees and poos everywhere and barks too much. Some people would find this too much to deal with, but I accept him as a barky and pee-ey/poo-ey guy. I do want to train it out of him of course, but it’s taken a while. He only goes in certain spots anyway.

BUT in terms of love and companionship, he has proven himself to be necessary for my mental well being. Because the basement feels haunted and Mister is a dog with the capability to push away bad spirits, I always take him to bed with me for snuggles and general ghost busting. Just having a little soul on the bed seems to ward away the bad juju. And also when I feel lonely I like picking him up and kissing him.

Also because sometimes my illness makes me think of bad things, like animal torture (be it through fur farms or some other terrible thing like factory farming) I like having a small animal I can curl up with in my arms and just love unconditionally. When bad thoughts get in my head of animal suffering, I like to snuggle my little dog and think how I will keep him safe through his whole life from bad things. I want him to die a very old dog with a very sweet life.

Little Mister is in bed with my Mom right now. I’ve started letting him go to bed with her and then picking him up just before I go to sleep. It makes him happy, he gets tired way before me anyway.

After saying all this stuff about animal welfare, you might be surprised to find out I want to taste Kangaroo while I am in Australia. I hear it’s like venison. I am hoping I have a chance to taste it if I hang out with the right people. The indigenous people. We’ll see.

Oh, and my cousin is back from his journey to the offsale! I should go find out what happened!

This whole blog isn’t actually going to be about lies I tell myself. Because I realize I have to give an update on What Happened to Deanna.

Deanna had an interesting conversation with a police officer and then an interesting conversation with some people in an ambulance and is right now in the hospital, and has been there for a little over a week. We found out through the Vancouver Police. So she’s in a safe place, and I’m mostly concerned with her health and what she will do after she is released. I hope she’s done camping with Occupy just because I think it’s better for bipolar folks who need proper sleep to spend her nights with a roof over her head and a decent bed with enough blankets. My first manic episode was escalated in part to the fact I was sleeping on a thin skinny child’s bed for weeks and weeks. Also all that effexor pushed me over.

That’s the thing, people want to blame the pot for me being crazy but my use has been pretty consistent for years and the main things that caused my manic episodes was all that effexor and the second time it was me going off my meds. Oh yeah and both times I went crazy I was also falling in love and THAT fucks me over sometimes. Love is really stressful. I think I could fall in love now and not get all fucked up though, because I’m on meds that work.

My antipsychotics are SO POWERFUL that they render the effects of mushrooms to absolutely nil! There’s absolutely no point in me doing psychedelics anymore. So I don’t.

I guess it’s a good sign. Especially since if I run out of meds or forget too many days in a row I start hearing music in the white noise. Ooooh I hate that feeling!!! I KNOW deep in my heart of hearts that I am hearing it because I am CRAZY and sometimes I strain really hard to hear English words in it, but I never do. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that reassures me is knowing I at least have the insight still to resume taking my medication as soon as I am due for the next dose. Whew!

Life’s crazy when you’re a crazy person. Weird shit happens.

Oh yeah, but lies I tell myself.

There are some lies I tell myself, to try and make myself be better. One of them is that if I quit smoking, my ex will take me back and we will have a real relationship finally with long range plans and a King sized bed and a blended family of cats and dog. With such a great fantasy reward, you would think I would have quit smoking by now. But it’s not true, which I know, so it hasn’t really made me as committed to quitting. I should really be focused on my main concern about smoking, which is that I don’t want to get cancer and die a painful death relatively young. I would like to make it at least to 70! 80 even! After that I don’t care. Geriatric chronic conditions suck. Alzheimer’s, Osteoporosis, ugh! But I can at least do all I can now to be healthy. I already do so much just to have proper brain health. But then I smoke and could blow out an artery in my brain with a stroke and be dead or crippled. Aaaaaaaaah! I WANT TO QUIT! It’s not worth the little buzz you get. Cigarettes deaden taste and smell and make me less kissable. Wah!

What other lies do I tell myself?

I tell myself that I just have to make amazing art and everyone will want to give me money and help me live as a full time artist. But that’s not true either. I don’t know many people who can live as full time artists.

Today my mom asked me, “What would be better for you? To have a job or to have your own business?” And I said “I think to have my own business because then I can take time off to go do residencies and stuff.” And I think it’s true. I really have to do some cpr on my fledgling business. I need some clients. That’s really the only thing in my way. I should get some cards made.

I might be digitizing some material for someone soon. That would be good, I could get a bit of money into my business bank account.

I tell myself all kinds of lies about how I could be a better person to be an appropriate partner for my ex, but it’s all so ridiculous. Quitting smoking is the least of them. I also think about doing grand projects like making a feature film with some underpaid actors and my video camera and entering it into Cannes and winning the Palm D’Or. And I think to myself “That will show her I have ambition!” And in my head I am shaking my little fist heavenward.

My Mom recently told me Lady Gaga lives with her parents too, even though she has all this money. I think she is telling me that to make me feel less weird about living in her house. And now also living with my cousin Steven and his kid. It’s a multigenerational household! :O

I feel dubious as to how many dates I can realistically score while I am living at home. I’m allowed to bring girls home, I have in the past, I don’t feel weird about it. But the ladies feel weird about it. That’s what I think, anyway.

I think I will fail at bettering myself if I am just chasing an elusive relationship that’s never going to happen. I need to be more focused on making my life count whether or not someone else is in it.

So Deanna hasn’t posted anything on facebook in a while. And I don’t really know where she is. It’s kind of a concern, although last night someone saw her at a rally. So she’s sort of AWOL. I don’t know what’s up. Le sigh!

Last night I had this intensely emotional dream, in a good way. And I woke up and was all goofy and smiley for a while. And then I remembered none of it was real and was disappointed. But I got over it. I like being entertained while I am sleeping.

I went to Partner’s In Employment because it’s a condition of me being on Welfare, and they offered to let me do a Vocational Evaluation which takes about two weeks and will tell me what jobs I am suited for. It’s in January – February. Until then I am just going to hang on and keep poking around for jobs of some sort. Or freelance creative various things. We’ll see. I still have to make this super 8 film too!

I can’t think properly at this hour or with this much alcohol in me.

It is weird being in love with someone who loves me back but doesn’t want to be with me. I always thought love was enough, but it’s NOT! :O Once my mom told me about how she used to ask the universe to bring her a man to fall in love with but they would turn out to have some glaring issue like being married technically or being gay all the way or other things and eventually she gave up asking the universe to bring her a man to love because it was like the universe was finding every loophole to sabotage it. That’s how I feel! Oh man. You have to be so specific when you ask the universe for something.

I’m a weirdo. That’s probably the problem! Also I smoke, which is another problem. But really truly I am going to quit for good soon. I did a whole month recently, like in September or something.

I should go to bed. Maybe I will have another nice dream.

One day I hadn’t heard from my cousin Deanna for a couple days, maybe less even, and I commented on a mutual friend’s post about not wanting to die on Hastings. And I just said something like “Me neither.” And then Deanna posted on it “Yeah I am in Van and I totally avoid that area.” And I was like WTF???? Because she hadn’t said goodbye or anything. I thought it was a joke.

But no, she spent her last dollars on a bus ticket and is now living at Occupy Vancouver!!!! :O

That’s really far away! She did say if she got the chance she was going to be in Vancouver, so I guess that is what she did. It seems crazy! Everyone is worried because Occupy Vancouver has a 2pm deadline tomorrow to get out “or else!” Well, I don’t think they said “or else” but it was implied, and they’re going to throw their stuff away. And do I don’t know what with the people.

So here I am, powerless in Saskatoon while Deanna goes off to save the world. I could point her to some people in Vancouver who know how to live on next to nothing there and where the free food is, but she is all about the movement right now. I’m just worried it will totally disperse and she’ll be homeless in Vancouver, which is way more of a fuck show than being homeless in Saskatoon, where she knows a lot of people. And call me crazy but all the chanting in all the occupy videos remind me of that film we watched on cults in high school where the fresh faced hero gets brainwashed to the shouts of “Juicyfruit, juicyfruit! Rah rah rah!” I have mixed feelings about Occupy.

So you can call me PreOccupied.

She will probably be fine, she hates when people worry. And who knows, maybe she will end up in a Vancouver jail cell with drag marks on her legs. Or maybe the people will prevail and it will all be a heartwarming scene with heroic Occupiers waving their fists in front of the VAG, free to live another night on the front lawn.

Occupy the VAG!!!

Hopefully she will be fine and have some crazy adventure story to tell her children, when she has some. And it’s true I know people who have up and moved to Vancouver and made it work. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she will land on her feet. She’s been fed for free this far! And she’s been there a while now.

I guess the grim underbelly of Vancouver is what I worry about, it’s so ridiculously expensive to live there and the occupations that will allow you to live reasonably decently there are sketchy. And plus all the free food places are in sketched out neighborhoods. I dunno. But what do I know, it’s been five years since I’ve lived in Vancouver, six almost, and it has changed a lot in the meantime. Maybe there’s a magical Quatchi’s Inn where poor people can go to eat and sleep and smoke weed in their bedrooms for no money. Well whatever. And now I am going to be in trouble for writing a worrywart blog post.

I just don’t want to have to fly out to Vancouver and put up posters of her. But I have felt that about all my native girl cousins who live in BC. It’s just not a good place to be a Native woman, considering how many go missing there. But yes, I lived there, and only had one really dodgy night with some crazy old punk and his roommate he was kicking out who had pitbulls. Oh yeah, and that one old lady who called me a pedophile in the street because she mistook me for someone else. Okay, and that guy with the blood on him who said “Canada~!” at me and shook his bloody nose on my shirt. That was sketchy too.

But there are also lots of good people in Vancouver. It’s just a big city with big city problems. But Deanna has never lived in a big city before. But neither did I before I was 18. And she’s way older than I was when I moved there.

Ha ha, listen to me be an old fuddy duddy! We’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow at 2pm.

Life got in the way of me continuing to write. First I had five days of drinking in a row, and I am not sure how I did that but I managed and felt pretty gross after. Such a binge! And I didn’t even mean to binge, it’s just people kept inviting me out or else I was home drinking with my cousin or else there was wine with dinner. Either way, it made me feel like a deficient writer because everyone was like “You can’t write when you are drunk!” Although I kind of think I have in the past.

So whatever, I drank and didn’t write and now I have taken a couple days off but got a six pack and now I am writing again. And tipsy. AND I DON’T CARE!

Ha ha, no, I probably do care I just don’t want to talk about it.

You know something I realized about my marijuana use is that I do use it medically pretty much. I know all these people say marijuana is bad for crazy people, but there is also some pretty good research that indicates some active parts of marijuana help people with bipolar disorder. And although SOME people don’t handle marijuana well mentally, SOME people also don’t tolerate the same psychiatric medication I am on, for whatever reason. It’s like all psych type meds, not effective for everyone but for some it’s really good.

I dunno. I just know I am not grouchy when I have it and I feel a bit more even. And for someone with a mood disorder, “even” is a great state to be in. Not all teetertotery and shit.

I did hear about a doctor who will actually prescribe medical marijuana in this area, which surprised me because so few will. I’m still waiting to hear the results of the study Cannibinoids in Bipolar Affective Disorder so I can take it with me and say “See!” Or not take it.

WHat else? I am getting used to this multigenerational extended family household. Currently I live with my Mom, my Cousin Steven, and half time his son Kristjan. It’s a pretty full house! It’s been strange adjusting, but I have lived with Steven and Mom before, after Steven got assaulted in this fucked up house he was living in where there was a weed whacker murder in the garage!

Oh man, I totally walked away and got distracted.

It’s an hour after the end of November 6th and I have surpassed my goal of getting 7000 words done, I am now sitting at a comfortable 8014 words. Still behind the daily goals, I didn’t write at all for a few days because I didn’t know what to write, and then I wrote over five thousand words yesterday. I stayed up until five in the morning doing it and totally fucked myself over because at Noon we had to go out and finish dropping off Judy Junor’s leaflets. We also did some Data Entry at the Campaign Office this afternoon, and then we had dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and visited for a bit, so I had a really late start on my writing. But I made it! 😀 I am going to work really hard on getting it all out.

I’ve decided to write about my lived experiences with Bipolar. I went to a coffeeshop on Saturday afternoon and wrote for a few hours and then came home and typed it up. I had just typed in the last word when my foot hit the power bar and it shut the computer down. What followed was some loud swearing and frantic messing about trying to get the computer to work. The computer was being really slow starting up because it had been turned off so rudely. It kept freezing at the login screen and making me anguished. I had written three pages! Nooooo! I didn’t want to spend an hour retyping the whole thing again. But lucky for me the auto recovery worked and I only had to retype the last paragraph.

I’m behind in where I should be, I should have finished 10,002 words today to be on target for getting 50,000 by the end of the month. But I can do some more marathon writing sessions. I wrote about when I got my heart broken and made myself cry. Which is funny, because I cry so rarely. It was cathartic I think. It was a silent cry, tears streaming down my face as I tickety tacked typed. It was good, even though it gave me a big lump in my throat.

I’m excited to be writing, although I know it’s all jumbled up and will need some revisions once the month is up. I’ve never tackled such a huge goal in such a short time. I’ve got sixteen pages now, although it is divided up into chapters so a couple pages only have one paragraph on them.

Tonight I was standing outside smoking and thinking and remembered that I am (if all goes according to plan) going to Australia and Germany next spring and summer respectively. BIG TRIPS! I have never been to Australia before, and I am pretty excited. This blog is one of the things that is going to be featured as part of the reason I am out there, along with some videos. I’ve never had anyone want to show my blog as a valid art project. I’m curious how it will be received.

Oh man my back aches, I am not sitting right when I write, I write all hunched over and fuck myself over. I need to practice better writing posture, more relaxed writing posture.

I need to fall in love again, with someone new who is actually a possibility. I’m tired of being in love with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, even if she does love me. I will always love her, but I need a more active love, someone who wants to have sex and live together and get married and have back rubs and who I can take care of and who will take care of me until we are both dead and cremated. I’d like to have a girlfriend I can introduce to my grandparents, because they are in their 90’s and on the way out and I really want them to meet a sweetheart of mine. They never have met any of my other lovers.

I’m thinking of doing Script Frenzy in April, where you write a script all month, it’s an offshoot of NaNoWriMo. Although I might be in Australia for a couple of weeks then and spending time in another country writing doesn’t appeal to me when I could be doing a bunch of other things. They also have a challenge where they invite you to tackle a big life goal over the course of a year. I am thinking of giving that a shot, but I have no ideas what I want to do.

I’ve been babbling about it since yesterday on Facebook when we went and bought MY NEW BED!!!! It’s queen sized and has a bamboo fibre pillowtop and it’s so cozy. BUT when they delivered it today they couldn’t get the boxspring down the stairs. So tomorrow they are delivering a split boxspring. I hope it’s still comfy. This is the first time I have gotten a bed with a boxspring. BOXSPRING!

I have stalled altogether on my Novella. I don’t know what to write. And I did so well that first day, even though I didn’t meet the minimum number of words I need to write. I was going to write a satire on the new common experience of adults going back to live with their parents in these wintery economic times. But I don’t know how to make it interesting. I kind of just wrote it like it was about me exactly, right down to the mice eating my popcorn.

I just discovered the wonders of Zinc Oxide on a burning butt! I kept going to the bathroom and it was BURNING! So I got saved by Zinc Oxide and Pepto Bismol! Ta Da!

Home remedies are great.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, the wonderous Dr. Conacher, and found out I have lost even more weight. I am down to 187.2 pounds! That’s amazing! I am starting to be able to take off my size 14s without undoing the zipper or button. Which does worry me because I don’t want to go out and buy all new jeans again. I’d like to stay at this weight, and be the girl with the little round tummy. Anyway, Dr. Conacher thinks I am doing so well that I don’t need to see her again until April! 😀 BUT I have to get my bloodwork done, so they know I am not being poisoned by my Epival. And that I haven’t developed diabetes from my antipsychotic.

A girl told me I was cute last Friday when I went out, but of course I was drunk and stupid and just stammered. I don’t know what to do when girls think I am cute! I mean, I know what to do eventually when they take me to bed, but getting there is really really hard for me! I just stammer and twiddle my toe in the dust. I wish I didn’t come off so standoffish. I need to practice asking girls out.

I did try asking girls out on Plenty Of Fish, or just making conversation anyway, but no one replied to my messages. REJECTED! Maybe I should put up a photo of myself that doesn’t have fangs in it. I just wanted to show off my goofy side!

I am so excited to sleep on the top half of my new bed! I hope Hermione doesn’t pee on it, she was very excited to jump about on it and we played “I’m gonna get you!” and she did that cute backwards jump several times. I love dogs. I just don’t like it when they pee on my bed. Especially NOT A NEW BED! :O

Mmmmmm, new mattress! So cozy! I’m excited. I have wanted a real grown up persons bed for a long time. I was fine with futons, but I yearned for more. Maybe I will ask a girl out soon and actually get a girlfriend who will come over for sleepovers! 😀

I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing a book for a while now. I like writing, and maybe I could make a few cents off my royalties from the few people who would buy it. Maybe I will write a best seller. I think I need to write about a murder to get a best seller though, they seem to be crime books that end up on that list. I don’t really want to write about murder though. Bleh!

I decided to participate this year in NaNoWriMo, also known in long form as National Novel Writing Month. Every November people from all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. That is approximately 1666 words a day, or three pages. THREE PAGES! Single spaced! It’s kind of hard for me. So far. Also my cousin Deanna came over yesterday and parked herself on the computer during prime writing time so I didn’t finish up what I had planned. I made it to 992 words. So far short of 1666 words! Three pages a day equals 21 pages a week! :O

It was kind of a whim. I might give up halfway, but it’s a good challenge. It will at least make me think, which might help my other challenge which is to make a Super 8 film, in Colour! 😀 By January! :O It’s like an assignment. I have to think of something to do with it. So far writing has not given me any ideas. Which is too bad.

That Elephant who was friends with a dog lost her friend, Bella the dog died of a coyote attack. The poor Elephant, they mourn like humans. They even cry when they are sad. Elephants break my heart, the world is so hard on them.

My cousin has started living with us, because of his relationship teetering on breaking up and so forth. So now we have him, and his kid sometimes, and it is going well so far except for the night I gave him some E and he bothered me for half an hour for a cigarette or more E. Sigh! I have quit smoking again, just because I am tired of giving him cigarettes and not having any is the easiest way to get around it. He can buy his own cigarettes. We’re building a suite for him in the basement and in the meantime he is living in Sky’s room. Soon to be moving to the room I am in now, the computer room. And the computer room will be in a smaller room. One whole house and there are very few available rooms left. And the basement has no more carpet.

This morning Kristjan, the little boy, woke up at 5:30. Hola!

Anyway, now I am off to run errands, I think I am going to work on my novel when I get back. So far I want to write a parody of living with my mom at the age of 33. can it be interesting at all?

My scab finally fell off my bellybutton and I rejoiced. I was tired of feeling all wounded and ugly. Now I have a crusty scar. In the end I discovered there were no stitches from my surgery, I was all held together with Steri-strips. My incisions were actually really small, I swear one is only a centimeter long. I feel back to myself and I am sure I am still healing, but it feels pretty DONE! Whew! I remember the first day I felt all gross because my innards felt like they were moved around. Now they have fallen back into place, and all that carbon dioxide is out of me.

So that is the update on the gallbladder surgery. I still haven’t gone to Gibsons for fish and chips, because I was too scared! But now I think I am ready to try it out. The fattiest fish and chips EVER!!!!!

Maybe I should top it off with a deep fried mars bar!

Or better yet, a banana fritter!

I’m a sucker for banana fritters. They had really good ones at the fringe this year, whole bananas all frittered and fried, hot and covered in honey and whipped cream! OMG! So good!

My business is still not getting any income, but I am getting a second chance at working more or less full time on it. Saskatoon Tribal Council offers income assistance while you are getting self employed. I had to get a business license and a business bank account first. I now have those! I have to find a frame for my license. Or I could just tack it up I guess. It has to be displayed prominently, but my office is still not set up and won’t be for a while.

I am also applying to SIEF for five thousand dollars to get a laptop and software to start out with. That’s really all I need at first. And hopefully I can get some contracts and start making money to buy more things for my business, along with paying myself an income. I was going to ask for 15,000, but realistically I don’t want to be on the hook for that much money. If I fail miserably a five thousand dollar loan is much easier to pay back than three times that amount.

There is a Simply Accounting class they are also going to pay for, so that I know how to do my books. AND they will probably also get me some driver training.

I did really good at quitting smoking, I had four weeks done when I slipped by smoking some pipe tobacco all rolled up in a rolling paper, and then I just wanted a bit more, and some more, and then I was smoking again for real, with my own pack of smokes even, not bumming them off people. Brought down by some of the grossest tobacco ever! I don’t recommend rolling up pipe tobacco. I felt like a failure. I want to try and quit again. I know I can get further than four weeks. It’s just those slips that get me. Soooo, well hopefully soon I can get myself sorted.

I went to my concurrent disorders education group last week and learned about the effects of marijuana. But not much was new to me. This week they are talking about anxiety disorders. I don’t really have a problem with anxiety with the meds I am on, so I think since I can only do an hour I am going to go to the drop in after the education group. I feel like getting some support! Actually tonight is the bipolar support group too. I wonder if I should go. I went for pizza and elections last week. PIZZA! I don’t really know why I am going to support groups, they are kind of goofy and I don’t even have anything I really want to share, except with maybe the concurrent disorders group because we all have mental health AND addiction issues in common. One other thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of men who go to the groups and not so many women.

It’s nearly November and I don’t have a job. I’ve been on Welfare for October and I am getting November’s money on Friday. I’ll pay my rent and have a bit for fun and bus passes and my phone, but then I will be broke again. Frig, I forgot about my stupid phone.

There goes 55 bucks! Buckaroos!

It’s Halloween weekend. I am going out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday unless something REALLY fabulous comes up and I have enough money.

I need to send my camera in to Sony for fixing. Maybe I should call Matrix video and see if they can fix a Sony camera for me. It’s not under warranty anymore, I will have to pay for it. BLEH! UGH! But I need a camera.

I have been commissioned to make a Super 8 film by January. I really don’t know what to make it about, I am thinking furiously! What topic really needs to be addressed? I already committed myself to making a video about being butch with my grant, so I can’t do that idea. I would love to make some porn, but I don’t have a counterpart who would fuck with me on camera. I can’t even convince someone to fuck me off camera. And I don’t know any hot to trot lesbian couples in Saskatoon who I want to make a porno with. It’s going to have to be experimental with a narrative, but what the hell is the narrative? And what imagery would I use? It’s distressing. I wish I didn’t have a big ass creative block. Stupid block. I need some kind of brain flushing. I need to brainstorm. Hmm. I really want to veer back into making queer queer queer films. And I also have to keep in mind the medium. Super 8 is different than video. The rolls I am getting are colour too. Which is exciting. I thought colour was dead. So it has to be colourful too. AaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhH! Creativity fart! There’s a tumbleweed rolling around in my head.

I have to write a script! What has been bothering me??? What is relevant to the larger society from a marginalized little human like me? What hasn’t been said about being queer? And why oh why can’t I find someone to have sex with me on camera???? I wish I even had an ex lover in town who would give me a spin just for old times sake and the sake of lesbian porn. See, if I hadn’t been celibate for most of my life, I would totally be pumping out the sex tapes. I love sex! I just don’t have it very often.

Maybe I should make a version of my Mars tape for the Super 8 festival. I dunno. I think I need more money for that. Better to wait.

It’s hard being a lesbian making lesbian art without some good old fashioned lesbian fucking involved. It’s not show stopping. Dammit! I need to get some inspiration. Nudity is boring too, without sex. Plus with the weather the way it is, nudity is not a good idea.

Today is International Fisting Day! So since I don’t have a lover at the moment and can’t celebrate today by actual fisting activity, I thought I would write about it.

I think my first introduction to fisting was in a Pat Califia book, Macho Sluts. I would have been seventeen or something when I read about it. I didn’t do it for a while though, and the first time it did happen was almost accidental.

She was my fourth lover and was just doing me with her hand when it just naturally slipped inside. I remember her asking me “Doesn’t that hurt?” But it didn’t. I was really turned on and receptive and it was amazing how even the gentlest movements inside me were driving me wild.

To be honest, I haven’t done much fisting since. Just a few times. When I was on the other side of the fist, with my hand deep inside my girlfriend I remember the awe I felt that she was being so vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling this pink feeling, I really don’t know how to describe it.

I have heard some misadventures with fisting, like people who don’t do it right and end up making their partner bleed for a few days. I think that would be really mortifying. But I don’t hear about misadventures as much as some would think.

So VOILA! Here is a Link on fisting from Babeland! Because I know you want to try it now, and were about to ask “But how can I fist my lover?”

Also someone on the facebook page mentioned this handy hint for femmes with long nails who want to fist, just put cotton balls in the tips of a latex glove and go to town! So brilliant, I wish I had thought of that when lover number Five was trying to fist me and had long nails. (It was unsuccessful)

I really do miss fisting. The last time I had sex we could have fisted maybe, except I wasn’t open enough for it to be possible really. My vagina really is not always the same size, it totally fluctuates and I am not sure why. I suppose I could Ask Jeeves! LOL! Does anyone ask Jeeves anymore?

Anyway, there is my fisting blog, because when it comes to International Fisting Day, I am always ready to lend a hand! More awareness! More Fisting in porn! Yeah!