It’s Sunday, and tomorrow is the day I made a bet with my mother that my grant results would come. I really hope they do. I am ready to make a big video. I want to work on art. I want to make something so beautiful people will fall in love with me and not be able to help themselves. Like the end of the book Perfume where he finally uses his magic beautiful girl perfume and everyone thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world and eat him. Although I don’t want to be eaten.

Maybe eaten out!

It’s been an alright weekend, I went to bed at 9 on Friday night because I was still pretty exhausted from this flu I have had for over a week. My nose has been runny, I started out with a sore throat, and coughing set in a couple of days into it and hasn’t abated. For all of my long weekend I was in bed or on the couch just feverish and sleeping and sleeping and waking up to cough and blow my nose. UGH! I actually don’t get sick very often, but when I do it gets pretty serious! And then there was the week and then this weekend this stupid flu was still hanging on! I’m glad it’s more or less over now, just a little coughing and blowing my nose once in a while, not every five seconds. Last night I worked on my company’s website with my web designer, and that was fun! I haven’t had such a productive Saturday night in a really long time!

But yeah, it is nearing the end of summer and I haven’t gone camping at all, which really makes me sad because I want to go to a lake, and I am so desperately poor. I get paid from my needle job on Wednesday, but it won’t be even 200 bucks because I am so part time. Soo, I will probably be able to pay for some smokes, but that’s about it, I need to give mum some of it for the rent, because I am so late paying that. It’s really been waiting to see if I get my grant. I feel foolish being so dependent on what a jury has decided my future will be. I have already been turned down from the regular media arts grant for this project, and I hope there won’t be a repeat of that in the aboriginal media arts category. But I don’t really know. And then I am worried maybe people will think the project is too commercial, that I should apply for telefilm money, which I can’t apply for anyway because I haven’t made a feature. But you can’t make a feature until you get telefilm money. UGH! I am thinking of making Bunnyhug with a cast of unknowns on a 60,000 grant from Canada Council, just so I can say I have made a feature. It wouldn’t be that hard, there are no special effects, the only tough part would be the invertebrate zoo scene and getting a bunch of invertebrates for the set. Where would I find a live octopus? These are the questions I must answer.

I am really happy these days. And I don’t know why. Since getting turned down for future shenanigans by Cutie I thought I would be sadder, but I am actually doing pretty good. I haven’t had a supply of marijuana fueling me these last few days. I wonder if that is it? It’s kind of weird, because I smoke pot to feel happy since often I feel sad, but I haven’t smoked any except for, uh, well two bowls in the last 28 hours. But none today. And none for three days before then. I just have no money to buy more. And I don’t feel that desperate need where I go all around the house looking through all my pockets repeatedly looking for a roach. It’s really nice!

I hope I don’t get rejected by Canada Council tomorrow and get all depressed and despondent. That would suck, and I would be scrambling to try and solve my financial crisis. Which means getting a job, and I have had shitty luck getting interviews. I haven’t been called back by Saskatchewan Research Council for their Interactive Communications Specialist position, which troubles me, because I thought I would be AWESOME for that position, even if I did get my grant. And they were looking for someone disabled to fill their quota, and of course I acknowledged I was disabled on the application. I also checked the aboriginal box, but I am not sure if that is wise or not. I don’t know, people won’t give me a chance it seems, which is why opening my own business seemed to be the most sensible thing to do. But not being able to get a loan really screwed me up.

I am tired of being so poor. Even my friends are tired of me being poor. The three people I spend time with most all make well over 30,000 a year and this year I will be lucky if I made even 12,000. It sucks! And I want to do the fun things they want to do but often I have a budget of 20 bucks for an evening of fun and they have at least 60 bucks to spend and I feel really shitty and unhappy about it. And they will want to go out and I won’t be able to afford anything besides cover and one drink. Depressing! I want to be able to pay my way, and it is really frustrating that I often have to stay at home.

That was one thing I really liked about Berlin, it didn’t cost that much to go out and have a bunch of drinks. Here drinks out are so expensive, about 6 or 7 bucks for a drink now. BLAHHHH!

Total rip off. It makes more sense to drink at home but friends who make over 30,000 a year tend to want to go out where the nightlife is happening.

Well whatever. My Mom is leaving for Wisconsin for 12 days soon and I am going to have a few hot tub parties and then I can drink at home and be fine! Ha! If I have money. Sigh.

Money is terrible.

I really do wish I was so beautiful people fell all over themselves when I walked into the room. Oh well. I guess I am cute. To certain people. People who appreciate butch women. And that is the other thing about trying to get work, people don’t like hiring butch women. Maybe I will dress super femme next time I get an interview, a dress and make up and everything! Where would I get a dress?

I’m getting really skinny. I mean, I still have a round tummy, but none of my pants fit anymore. They all keep falling down my ass, and my butt doesn’t look so nice because it isn’t as big either and now my pants are all baggy back there. And my bra is getting baggy. I am losing my boobs and butt! OH NOES!

School is officially OVER! Now I have been flung into the cold cruel world of next to no income and trying to figure out a way to get my business running. I still have no equipment, but if I got a big enough contract I am sure I could get some. So it is pretty frustrating. I am picking up used needles in the core neighborhood until the snow flies, so that is giving me a very modest income, not even enough for my rent which went up over 50% this month, from 400 to 612 or something like that. Obviously I haven’t been able to pay it yet, which makes me feel depressed. It includes utilities, so at least I don’t have to pay that. But whew, pricey! The good news is I am moving out of the basement and into where the computer room currently is, with south facing big windows and plenty of space.

I am still waiting to hear about my grant, it seems to take SO LONG to find out! I know, I know, there is a whole process to it and it can’t be rushed. But the Exhibition is happening SOON and I need to do some shooting there for my project. I have decided to get shots and then green screen my actors in, since I can’t possibly cast and make costumes in just a few days. Hopefully it works, I can only hope! I haven’t done green screen since I was in film school, and even then it was only for an assignment and not for something I actually cared about. I understand how to do it, I just need a really good screen and even lighting. A light meter will help, even though it is just for video.

I got turned down in the nicest way possible by someone I recently had a fling with, so now I have a friend, which is just as good. I really liked her, but it was never going to work out anyway for various reasons, mostly to do with extreme distance. It’s too bad, but she was really nice about it so I appreciate it, and it is better than being lead on, which has also happened to me somewhat recently with someone else. My Susan Miller horoscope promises that some planet or something will be in my house of true love for eight months this next year, so I still might meet someone new. I don’t know. We’ll see. I don’t have much hope though, pickings in Saskatoon are pretty slim.

I have decided to move in a couple of years to Winnipeg. I am getting tired of how few quality jobs there are here for me, and how few people. And the art scene here is pretty bitchy, and at least back in 1999 Winnipeg had a very supportive arts community, with plenty of video art being made, and film. And the cost of living is equivalent to here. At least, that is the impression I have. I don’t really know if Winnipeg will be a good home, I have a feeling it will be, but it could be just as difficult to crack the job market as Vancouver or Saskatoon. I am going to try and get a job there before I move though.

I decided on two years because I want to stay here until my Grandparents have passed on, but if they are still alive in two years I am still going to move. I just don’t think I can really flourish in Saskatoon. I did so well in Vancouver in terms of my video career, and here I am just not even thought of for art things at all! Nobody cares about queer or first nations video art here. It’s depressing, because that’s what I do! It’s like doing drawings for the blind. There are a couple of queer visual arts things which happen once in a long while, but I am never invited to participate. This town sucks ass in terms of advancing my career.

I have been thinking about moving for ages, but I always thought of Toronto. Now I am thinking Toronto is too far and too big and too expensive. People who move there have a really hard time finding work. And I know I would always be scrabbling and broke and hungry. And I don’t want to be hungry again!

So that is what is up with me. I am hoping my video got into ImagineNATIVE and that I can go to Toronto in the fall and see some friends and network and that sort of thing. I haven’t been out east in ages. Unless you count me being at the airport on the way to and from Berlin, but I don’t count airport stops as actual visits to a city.

I really want to get into making my new video, I should really start making myself sit down and put in at least two hours of writing a day into finishing the script. And I have to do some research. I really need to start reading more about Mars colonization and terraforming and learn the lingo of astronauts. I suppose watching some 2001 A Space Odyssey would help too. Maybe. I have a lot to learn! And I need to start sketching what I want the ship to look like, and what the ufo will look like, and that sort of thing. There are lots of decisions to be made! But anyway, maybe if I sit down and write it will send out good energy for my grant to come through, even though I know the decision on whether or not my project merits funding has already been made.

Mum is also really depending on me getting this grant. We are on tenterhooks just freaking out and getting nervous! She is going on EI and trying to get a two year grant, but she won’t know about that until January. So it is SUPER important that I get the grant this year. I really hope I do. I want to sink my teeth into some substantial videomaking!

My Dad is in town and I got a message many hours ago that he was in a cafe and since then I haven’t heard anything from him! WTH? It’s not like he could get lost, it is Saskatoon. You just follow the river and you will find somewhere again.

Well anyway. I have to write two pages about the progress of my business. Which hasn’t progressed much at all. I did learn some things about my craft, and how to run a business, and how to not run a business. And I do still want it to take off, and I am pretty sure it will, eventually. So I don’t know how to make that sound good. I have been keeping my eyeballs peeled on job ads and I just tonight found one that involves my writing and film/videomaking skills. Sooo, I am going to apply for it, and they are particularly looking for people with disabilities, which is a plus. I should find out about my grant around the time they are calling people back for interviews. It would be nice to actually apply my film school training to a job. I think that could make me happy. It would keep my brain active. So that is the immediate future.

I think it would pay decently too, which would be nice. I could use a decent pay cheque. It would be nice to make enough to put a down payment on a house. I really want to own my own place. I will eventually. I just need 300,000 dollars! Canadian! Not even American!

Something is going to happen, something positive. Who knows what it will be. I have to write more. But it ain’t gonna happen!

So I guess I will see Dad after 1:30 tomorrow? That’s silly. Oh well. Good thing I have all morning to write. I will be extra attentive!

I am so horribly broke right now. I need to find some receipts and turn them in for some money back. But where did I put them? They are in the house for sure SOMEWHERE! I will find them, I WILL!

Anyway. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to get an artist fee. Where’s that? I bet I made 35 bucks!

Which is still more than I have right now.

And I am waiting, totally nervous, for the results of my grant. I am trying to remember how the packaging looks different, or does it? I don’t remember! I should take notes on it this time, like if they use a fancy envelope and if they mail my support material back. But it’s kind of silly, because by the time you see the Canada Council package, you open it so you know right away.

My Mum calls my art career money Magic Beans. She says to me “Are you counting on Magic Beans again?” The sad part is it’s true, they are magic beans! But sometimes I get money to make a big piece of art. And it’s really nice. Or I get decent artist fees. But I will never be able to sell a video for a million dollars. At least, no one has offered to pay that much. Matthew Barney sells his videos for megabucks. How does he do it?

Whatever. I really want to make some more art soon. It’s good for the soul. I start feeling all clogged up if I don’t make art on a regular basis, it’s worse than not crying. Ugh, artists block sucks.

I need to make some small videos. About what, I don’t know. I have some really nice footage I have been collecting. But I don’t know what to do with it. I made something that looked nice, but then I had issues with the software. And anyway, Final Cut Pro is releasing a new version that old files won’t work on. Which is kinda cruddy if you ask me.

Alien technology I bet! And it surely won’t work on my old computer. I need a new computer. A Macbook.

I just ate the best saskatoon pielette!

So I had an awesome time in Berlin. People liked the Queer Youth program I curated, and they really liked my videos at my retrospective. I spent time with lots of friends drinking lots of german beer and hanging out at the festival and then going to museums and out for coffees and beers and dinners with all kinds of people I know there. And I didn’t misplace my passport and I made my flights home, except for the one from Toronto to Saskatoon. And I was pretty wiped from travelling all day already and nearly burst into tears after missing my flight because of having to pick up my bag at customs and not being able to find where it goes and having to wait in line to drop it off and then the security person went through all my stuff looking for a pocketknife which turned out to be a wrist restraint. I was kind of wondering if that was a good or bad idea to put in there. But the next flight to Saskatoon was only 3 hours later.

I want to go back! There is a place in Hamburg which offered me a residency, and that is fairly close to Berlin. Soooo, I am thinking about it. It might be nice to go there when I have to do all this editing on my next project. Like just work on it here and finish it over there. Hmmmm. I am thinking about it anyway.

I can see why so many Canadians I know keep going to Berlin, it is kind of addictive.

I have lots of stories from there that I am not going to tell on my blog, because they are kind of personal in a way I generally don’t share on my blog. But I have some pretty sweet memories now! 😀

So what else? KLM food is kinda gross. These other Canadians coming home from Kenya were asking “What does KLM mean? Did they just pick three letters in the alphabet?” They asked the stewardess who said some complicated thing in dutch and then said it meant Royal Dutch Airlines. But the alcoholic drinks are free. I actually didn’t drink booze at all on the way home, and I could hardly sleep because those chairs pinch my tailbone fat. I just watched the map showing us flying over the Atlantic ocean. We weren’t close enough to Greenland to look at all those glaciers though. I think if I was on the other side of the plane I could have maybe seen part of Iceland.

They have little fridges in Berlin, like what North Americans would call a bar fridge. And they don’t have dryers.

It is a little dodgy eating there if you don’t know the good places because there seems to be a lot of bad food, not sick making food, just bad blah food. BUT my friends did take me to some good places, and the food at the festival was really good.

I am happy to be home with my Little Mister. I really missed him. But I knew he was okay, because he was still with the other two dogs and Beatrix Kitty and Mum.

I missed the opening night of the last Harry Potter because I was in Germany. I am going to see it tonight! Exciting! Yay! We are seeing it in an AVX Theatre. I have never been in one before. But I got to use only 500 scene points to get my ticket! Yay!

I got my plane ticket, today, and it was only 100 bucks more than I had planned on paying. I was so freaked out, I hate leaving things to the last minute. I am leaving for Berlin next Wednesday for a festival and then my retrospective the next weekend. I am pretty excited, and nervous, and generally wigged out. There are some folks out there I am stoked about seeing and the beer is so cheap. I think that part is a trap. The beer part. They are giant beers too so I can’t count them very well since they are bigger than in Canada.

Almost as big as a Fin Du Monde.

I have to get some more stuff ready before I go, but now that I have a plane ticket I feel a lot less anxious. I hate checking fares everyday and watching them climb up and up and up.

I tried to go with Air Canada but it would have been 2500 bucks! WTF? That’s like going to Australia!

I am going to Australia in the next year. I am nervous about that too, because if I am going that far for a show I should really spend at least two weeks travelling about down there. And it is a pretty big country. I will probably stick to the southern coast. I want to see penguins in the wild. And Kangaroos. And all the toads.

And I am also worried about getting homesick, and forgetting to take my meds and going slightly manic or depressed. It’s a lot to be worried about. But I shouldn’t worry. It’s all going to be great and I am going to have so much fun. I won’t even miss my plane this time. I will be okay. I think I am going to pick up some melatonin for the jet lag and see if it works as well as my shrink says.

My psychiatrist doesn’t need to see me very often anymore. Surprisingly the last time I saw her was in February! That’s a long time ago! And I didn’t really need to see her until now either.

I have to remember to pick up all my prescriptions, including my next pack of period control pills.

It’s Canada Day tomorrow and I am drinking a Japanese beer. Shameful. Tomorrow Mom and I are going to Earls and eating and drinking big Hoegardens, which isn’t very Canadian either.

I was trying to find someone to hang out with tonight, but I couldn’t, so I walked to the liquor store and bought myself three Sapporos. Today was my sisters birthday so we had pizza with Grandma and Grandpa. She is spending the night, which is nice. Especially when she winds down and just wants to lay on the couch. After all the interesting food is gone.

The dogs ate her Marshmallows and because I am a Queen of the Last Minute I wasn’t prepared with an alternate present than marshmallows. But I think she doesn’t care.

The other day this white dude kept talking to someone in a car ahead of us which sat while the light was green. And just when he would start walking away he would come back to the car and open the door to say something else and I got so mad I said “Fucken’ White Privilege!” Because it seems to be white men who take up space and impede traffic while they are going about their lives in the world. And by the time the stupid car ahead of us moved the light changed and we had to wait again. Oh I was so mad!

Sometimes I get really really angry and sweary and it always surprises people. I’m not usually confrontational, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Especially men’s bullshit. I think it’s because I am a dyke. I don’t hate men, I just hate misogynist men and that sort of thing. Inappropriate behaviours. I don’t like inappropriate behaviours from anyone though, not just men. But I am never going to try and impress a man in my life, so I feel like I’m less inclined to let crap slide.

I used to have this great angry mix tape when I was a young punk dyke stomping along the Vancouver streets in the late 90’s. It had Red Football on it and Shove and some other great songs to be angry to. I had this plan, and the tape was part of it, that I was going to approach KTel to do a Kubler-Ross type series of getting over a break up mix tapes. There would be the denial album, with songs about one last chance and that sort of thing. Then there would be the angry album, and then the bargaining album, the depression album, and the acceptance album. See, that would have been an awesome set to do, and I know it would have helped millions, or however many people used to buy from KTel anyway. I should really do a break up series of playlists anyway, for future reference. Or just to keep around to burn to cd for friends. Friends having rough times.

I don’t know if I still have one more break up to go through before I find, The One!

I might.

I saw this now famous psychic way back in 2007 and a lot of the things she said came true. I found her by googling “psychic police saskatoon” because I wanted a psychic who had worked with the cops before. Not because I have any unsolved crimes I want answers to in my life, but because I thought she would be more accurate. And she was! She doesn’t use crystals or tarot cards or palm reading. She sits down with you and just starts talking. She doesn’t even ask any questions, and already she knows so much! She does telephone readings too. Her rates have gone up. I want to see her again because I feel like I am without direction a bit, but she is now 150 bucks! And before she was 80!

She didn’t tell me about my oncoming manic episode though. She can only tell you what the spirits tell her, and if they don’t want to say anything then she can’t make them, obviously.

Actually there is this one funny thing I saw when I was psychotic the last time. I was laying in bed with all the lights on with my body going through whatever the hell it goes through with that many crazy chemicals going haywire. And I could see my spirit guides. I assume that’s what they were, they just looked like little people kneeling by the bed watching me like I was in the hospital, that’s exactly what it felt like. And they were flickering in and out of view, these white people shaped little blobs, flickering flickering. I have always remembered it and felt kind of comforted by it. I kind of think there is a real spiritual component to going crazy just because you are in a precarious dangerous place when it happens and I think the spirits that look out for you in this life, or all lives, stick very close by.

It’s weird to be “sick in the head” because all anyone sees is you acting out and they don’t see that your dopamine and seratonin and other things are all flooding your neurons. It sucks. Although I do have a cousin who sees auras, and she can tell when a person is actively mentally ill because the part above their head is all different and weird. I forget how she described it. I always thought that was interesting, sometimes I wish other people could see the illness in some way. Other times I am glad it is invisible.

Anyway, at that time I was dating someone and she (my psychic to the stars) foresaw a bad break up (IT WAS! 🙁 ) And then she said I would have another break up and then I would be with the one I would be with for the rest of my life. So I am curious. I had a romantic interest last year with some necking, but I can’t say it was a real relationship so therefore I can’t have had a break up. So Maybe there is still a break up in the future. ??? See, and this is why I want to see my psychic again, so she can tell me if I am going to be with the next one forever, in which case I should be picky! Ha ha!

I think my Mars video could propel me to be famouser. It has all the makings of a classic! I am going to have to do auditions this fall if I get funding. Hope hope hope hope!

By January I hope to be making a spaceship!!!! Fly me to Mars and get me the hell away from all this craziness!

Someone once told me I think too much. I do think a lot. Maybe that’s why I like pot, because I don’t think quite so much when I am stoned. I do think, but it doesn’t hop all over the place like other times. I am sure I have multiple brain related disabilities going on and not simply bipolar disorder I. I’m fairly certain I have a touch of OCD, and I think I have some kind of Attention Deficit thing going on, and then there was my history of ocular migraines that made me blind. My doctor explained why I had that seizure when I was in Grade Two after I hit my funny bone on the table while reading The Far Side. It’s just a response to intense pain. So I guess I’m not epileptic after all.

I like the Far Side.

Once my friend Annthea went to a talk/dinner with Jane Goodall. I asked if she took a picture of the famous pony tail. She didn’t. I have a mild obsession with Jane Goodall’s ponytail.

I am missing my cousins who are in BC!!! COUSHUNS! They are fun to hang out with and now they are away!

I have to get this blog into some kind of shape. It’s like a collection of out of shape thoughts, most of them about addiction, but not honest enough to be a real diary of addiction. Go gritty or go home!

“So today I went out to the garage again because I’m not allowed to smoke inside or on the property and the neighbors from across the way stared at me.”

And if I was seeing a drug counsellor she would say “And how did that make you feel?”

But it doesn’t make me feel like much, except sometimes I wish I had my own place and could smoke weed in the living room.

With the curtains closed.

I’m not sure what will happen to me. I hope I don’t end up destitute in a group home! That would suck.

There was this old woman who moved into the group home I was in from Hantleman and her husband said he just couldn’t do it anymore. And one day it was her birthday and she got a cake and she made a wish to go back home. And I thought “Oh dear God, I do not want my old age to be spent like this!”

So sucky. And then the one who kept seeing Indians and Cows in the backyard.

She was cheerful, just out of it.

But who knows really, I mean, maybe someday it will be proven that crazy people are just accessing some kind of extrasensory perceptions and seeing into different realities and dimensions or something.

In which case I should really take more notes when I go crazy so that they may be written down in a book for all to read one day, when I am a properly revered bipolar prophet. There was that time I believed Louis Riel was a descendant of Jesus Christ. And then, well, but I also believed I was getting mugged by the Dalai Lama, so I was pretty confused. And then my poor special lady I had so many crazy beliefs about her. I believed she was abducted by aliens! And I also believed in Twoonie Tuesday supporting David Suzuki.

I still want to get a bunch of NDN’s eating KFC in a parking lot. At Cranberry Flats. I don’t know why.

I want something to happen with at least one of my crushes. Sigh!

So whatever. I confess everything online eventually. I mean, well, not EVERYTHING though. It’s all because I was interested in diaries anyone could read. Private thoughts in public space. But now I am 33 and still doing it. But whatever. It’s just my thing. I wonder if I will ever be famous for blogging. It’s taken up a lot of creative time and energy. I need to save a more recent copy too, I will do that after I am done writing this.

Strangely enough I have never gotten into Youtube videoing. Like making videos exclusively for Youtube. I find the comments so fuckin’ rude! What the hell would I do getting that kind of homophobic critique?

Or just anti-Indian.

Anti-whatever part of my identity.

I sometimes miss being a little chubby post-psychosis punk in the Downtown Eastside. Once I made a phone call to my mom from Main and Hastings and some dude was smoking crack right next to me and she asked how I was and I said fine.

Because I was fine really, it wasn’t SO bad, I had friends who looked out for me.

OH! I found out I got my travel grant to go to Berlin for my retrospective! Which is AWESOME! I am excited to see friends there and wander about and experience life there for a short time. I am going longer this time than the last time I went. I know most of my plane ticket will be taken care of, but now I have to do some last minute fundraising to get some more cash to go with, for food and stuff. I have saved some money and I will be getting paid soon. So I just need an emergency supply of cash in case something goes horribly awry, like last time when I lost my passport for a few hours. UGH!

I’m also going to wake up in time for my flights and I will have an iPad with me so I can use wireless in the airports and other places. And I will have a cellphone, but I don’t know if it will be of any use in Germany since it’s a Sasktel Pay as you go Phone. Maybe I could text? I’m not sure, but I will take it anyway.

Ooooh! I have these terrible mosquito bites on my dragon and it is itchy! I hate being itchy!

Oh shit, I have to run. I have to get my bank to fill out my direct deposit form. Fun fun fun! I will be in a long wet lineup.

I’m going to try and type on the iPad. Week! Wtf? Ok, anyway. I fell off the no smoking wagon, because I felt like I was going crazy and I didn’t have, you know, an alternative. So I bought a pack. I am quitting again. I have an alternative now, so I am going to hopefully get healthy and kissable again. I know my alternative is still a vice, but it really does make me feel, hmm, I dunno, just calmer. I can be pretty hyperactive sometimes, especially when I am hypomanic. And spring/summer are kind of manic inducing, there is so much more light.

I am sad that there is no postal service at the moment. I was expecting some money mail. I don’t know how much either, it could be 35 bucks for all I know.

Artists aren’t properly compensated for their time. At least, I am not. Not hardly ever! I have gotten some decent money once in a while. All my videos have made back what was put into them, except the newest one. But I had a grant for that.

I don’t know why I am writing today. I feel weird. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next year and it is kind of scary and also it is kind of where I was last summer. I wish I had some stability in my life. But then I think about when I accidentally got into a long term career of being a Sasktel Operator and freaked out because they were talking long range plans like when I would get four weeks holiday a year instead of three! And I panicked because I have this art practice that takes me away sometimes and sometimes I am working full time on my art and I just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. And I made sweet coin too, it sucked having to give it up. Twenty bucks an hour is a liveable wage, I had never made so much before.

But also call centers, even operator services, is pretty rough, you have to have a thick skin. People are rude all the time. It made me think terrible things about humanity.

I just don’t see why people have to be rude.

Whatever, I have put it behind me, I will never put a headset on my head again. I can’t do it anymore.

I am kind of lonely these days, hate it, bleh. Even though there are people around me most of the time. I guess I am lonely for a deep meaningful connection with someone. I probably need a girlfriend, but I don’t want to admit that I can’t keep being single forever. Sometimes I forge these intense friendships with people that are totally platonic but make me feel like I have someone to confide in, and then they just drift off into space. And I am lonely again. It hurts.

Since my MEDS got changed I have been feeling more in touch with my feelings. Before they were just kind of numb. But now I feel those little sharp corners of sadness, when appropriate. It is kind of nice actually.

I don’t know what I want to get out of life anymore. I feel like having bipolar disorder has made me worry that I won’t get into a long term relationship because I am far too volatile. I mean, it’s weird, a lot of my friends have never seen me when I was manic, or not noticed, or something. They seem to view me as always calm. And I don’t know how they can see me that way when all I feel is this churning beneath the surface. I should really go see my psychiatrist again. And I think I need a counsellor, not just a psych nurse. Plus my psych nurse doesn’t understand poly relationships and it makes it really awkward.

I should really just unload some stress by making a list of stuff to do and doing it. I mean my obligations. Just do it!

Tomorrow I am seeing my Dad, which will be nice.

Sometimes I just HATE BEING CRAZY!!!! It’s an invisible disability and it sucks.