So I had an awesome time in Berlin. People liked the Queer Youth program I curated, and they really liked my videos at my retrospective. I spent time with lots of friends drinking lots of german beer and hanging out at the festival and then going to museums and out for coffees and beers and dinners with all kinds of people I know there. And I didn’t misplace my passport and I made my flights home, except for the one from Toronto to Saskatoon. And I was pretty wiped from travelling all day already and nearly burst into tears after missing my flight because of having to pick up my bag at customs and not being able to find where it goes and having to wait in line to drop it off and then the security person went through all my stuff looking for a pocketknife which turned out to be a wrist restraint. I was kind of wondering if that was a good or bad idea to put in there. But the next flight to Saskatoon was only 3 hours later.

I want to go back! There is a place in Hamburg which offered me a residency, and that is fairly close to Berlin. Soooo, I am thinking about it. It might be nice to go there when I have to do all this editing on my next project. Like just work on it here and finish it over there. Hmmmm. I am thinking about it anyway.

I can see why so many Canadians I know keep going to Berlin, it is kind of addictive.

I have lots of stories from there that I am not going to tell on my blog, because they are kind of personal in a way I generally don’t share on my blog. But I have some pretty sweet memories now! 😀

So what else? KLM food is kinda gross. These other Canadians coming home from Kenya were asking “What does KLM mean? Did they just pick three letters in the alphabet?” They asked the stewardess who said some complicated thing in dutch and then said it meant Royal Dutch Airlines. But the alcoholic drinks are free. I actually didn’t drink booze at all on the way home, and I could hardly sleep because those chairs pinch my tailbone fat. I just watched the map showing us flying over the Atlantic ocean. We weren’t close enough to Greenland to look at all those glaciers though. I think if I was on the other side of the plane I could have maybe seen part of Iceland.

They have little fridges in Berlin, like what North Americans would call a bar fridge. And they don’t have dryers.

It is a little dodgy eating there if you don’t know the good places because there seems to be a lot of bad food, not sick making food, just bad blah food. BUT my friends did take me to some good places, and the food at the festival was really good.

I am happy to be home with my Little Mister. I really missed him. But I knew he was okay, because he was still with the other two dogs and Beatrix Kitty and Mum.

I missed the opening night of the last Harry Potter because I was in Germany. I am going to see it tonight! Exciting! Yay! We are seeing it in an AVX Theatre. I have never been in one before. But I got to use only 500 scene points to get my ticket! Yay!

I got my plane ticket, today, and it was only 100 bucks more than I had planned on paying. I was so freaked out, I hate leaving things to the last minute. I am leaving for Berlin next Wednesday for a festival and then my retrospective the next weekend. I am pretty excited, and nervous, and generally wigged out. There are some folks out there I am stoked about seeing and the beer is so cheap. I think that part is a trap. The beer part. They are giant beers too so I can’t count them very well since they are bigger than in Canada.

Almost as big as a Fin Du Monde.

I have to get some more stuff ready before I go, but now that I have a plane ticket I feel a lot less anxious. I hate checking fares everyday and watching them climb up and up and up.

I tried to go with Air Canada but it would have been 2500 bucks! WTF? That’s like going to Australia!

I am going to Australia in the next year. I am nervous about that too, because if I am going that far for a show I should really spend at least two weeks travelling about down there. And it is a pretty big country. I will probably stick to the southern coast. I want to see penguins in the wild. And Kangaroos. And all the toads.

And I am also worried about getting homesick, and forgetting to take my meds and going slightly manic or depressed. It’s a lot to be worried about. But I shouldn’t worry. It’s all going to be great and I am going to have so much fun. I won’t even miss my plane this time. I will be okay. I think I am going to pick up some melatonin for the jet lag and see if it works as well as my shrink says.

My psychiatrist doesn’t need to see me very often anymore. Surprisingly the last time I saw her was in February! That’s a long time ago! And I didn’t really need to see her until now either.

I have to remember to pick up all my prescriptions, including my next pack of period control pills.

It’s Canada Day tomorrow and I am drinking a Japanese beer. Shameful. Tomorrow Mom and I are going to Earls and eating and drinking big Hoegardens, which isn’t very Canadian either.

I was trying to find someone to hang out with tonight, but I couldn’t, so I walked to the liquor store and bought myself three Sapporos. Today was my sisters birthday so we had pizza with Grandma and Grandpa. She is spending the night, which is nice. Especially when she winds down and just wants to lay on the couch. After all the interesting food is gone.

The dogs ate her Marshmallows and because I am a Queen of the Last Minute I wasn’t prepared with an alternate present than marshmallows. But I think she doesn’t care.

The other day this white dude kept talking to someone in a car ahead of us which sat while the light was green. And just when he would start walking away he would come back to the car and open the door to say something else and I got so mad I said “Fucken’ White Privilege!” Because it seems to be white men who take up space and impede traffic while they are going about their lives in the world. And by the time the stupid car ahead of us moved the light changed and we had to wait again. Oh I was so mad!

Sometimes I get really really angry and sweary and it always surprises people. I’m not usually confrontational, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Especially men’s bullshit. I think it’s because I am a dyke. I don’t hate men, I just hate misogynist men and that sort of thing. Inappropriate behaviours. I don’t like inappropriate behaviours from anyone though, not just men. But I am never going to try and impress a man in my life, so I feel like I’m less inclined to let crap slide.

I used to have this great angry mix tape when I was a young punk dyke stomping along the Vancouver streets in the late 90’s. It had Red Football on it and Shove and some other great songs to be angry to. I had this plan, and the tape was part of it, that I was going to approach KTel to do a Kubler-Ross type series of getting over a break up mix tapes. There would be the denial album, with songs about one last chance and that sort of thing. Then there would be the angry album, and then the bargaining album, the depression album, and the acceptance album. See, that would have been an awesome set to do, and I know it would have helped millions, or however many people used to buy from KTel anyway. I should really do a break up series of playlists anyway, for future reference. Or just to keep around to burn to cd for friends. Friends having rough times.

I don’t know if I still have one more break up to go through before I find, The One!

I might.

I saw this now famous psychic way back in 2007 and a lot of the things she said came true. I found her by googling “psychic police saskatoon” because I wanted a psychic who had worked with the cops before. Not because I have any unsolved crimes I want answers to in my life, but because I thought she would be more accurate. And she was! She doesn’t use crystals or tarot cards or palm reading. She sits down with you and just starts talking. She doesn’t even ask any questions, and already she knows so much! She does telephone readings too. Her rates have gone up. I want to see her again because I feel like I am without direction a bit, but she is now 150 bucks! And before she was 80!

She didn’t tell me about my oncoming manic episode though. She can only tell you what the spirits tell her, and if they don’t want to say anything then she can’t make them, obviously.

Actually there is this one funny thing I saw when I was psychotic the last time. I was laying in bed with all the lights on with my body going through whatever the hell it goes through with that many crazy chemicals going haywire. And I could see my spirit guides. I assume that’s what they were, they just looked like little people kneeling by the bed watching me like I was in the hospital, that’s exactly what it felt like. And they were flickering in and out of view, these white people shaped little blobs, flickering flickering. I have always remembered it and felt kind of comforted by it. I kind of think there is a real spiritual component to going crazy just because you are in a precarious dangerous place when it happens and I think the spirits that look out for you in this life, or all lives, stick very close by.

It’s weird to be “sick in the head” because all anyone sees is you acting out and they don’t see that your dopamine and seratonin and other things are all flooding your neurons. It sucks. Although I do have a cousin who sees auras, and she can tell when a person is actively mentally ill because the part above their head is all different and weird. I forget how she described it. I always thought that was interesting, sometimes I wish other people could see the illness in some way. Other times I am glad it is invisible.

Anyway, at that time I was dating someone and she (my psychic to the stars) foresaw a bad break up (IT WAS! 🙁 ) And then she said I would have another break up and then I would be with the one I would be with for the rest of my life. So I am curious. I had a romantic interest last year with some necking, but I can’t say it was a real relationship so therefore I can’t have had a break up. So Maybe there is still a break up in the future. ??? See, and this is why I want to see my psychic again, so she can tell me if I am going to be with the next one forever, in which case I should be picky! Ha ha!

I think my Mars video could propel me to be famouser. It has all the makings of a classic! I am going to have to do auditions this fall if I get funding. Hope hope hope hope!

By January I hope to be making a spaceship!!!! Fly me to Mars and get me the hell away from all this craziness!

Someone once told me I think too much. I do think a lot. Maybe that’s why I like pot, because I don’t think quite so much when I am stoned. I do think, but it doesn’t hop all over the place like other times. I am sure I have multiple brain related disabilities going on and not simply bipolar disorder I. I’m fairly certain I have a touch of OCD, and I think I have some kind of Attention Deficit thing going on, and then there was my history of ocular migraines that made me blind. My doctor explained why I had that seizure when I was in Grade Two after I hit my funny bone on the table while reading The Far Side. It’s just a response to intense pain. So I guess I’m not epileptic after all.

I like the Far Side.

Once my friend Annthea went to a talk/dinner with Jane Goodall. I asked if she took a picture of the famous pony tail. She didn’t. I have a mild obsession with Jane Goodall’s ponytail.

I am missing my cousins who are in BC!!! COUSHUNS! They are fun to hang out with and now they are away!

I have to get this blog into some kind of shape. It’s like a collection of out of shape thoughts, most of them about addiction, but not honest enough to be a real diary of addiction. Go gritty or go home!

“So today I went out to the garage again because I’m not allowed to smoke inside or on the property and the neighbors from across the way stared at me.”

And if I was seeing a drug counsellor she would say “And how did that make you feel?”

But it doesn’t make me feel like much, except sometimes I wish I had my own place and could smoke weed in the living room.

With the curtains closed.

I’m not sure what will happen to me. I hope I don’t end up destitute in a group home! That would suck.

There was this old woman who moved into the group home I was in from Hantleman and her husband said he just couldn’t do it anymore. And one day it was her birthday and she got a cake and she made a wish to go back home. And I thought “Oh dear God, I do not want my old age to be spent like this!”

So sucky. And then the one who kept seeing Indians and Cows in the backyard.

She was cheerful, just out of it.

But who knows really, I mean, maybe someday it will be proven that crazy people are just accessing some kind of extrasensory perceptions and seeing into different realities and dimensions or something.

In which case I should really take more notes when I go crazy so that they may be written down in a book for all to read one day, when I am a properly revered bipolar prophet. There was that time I believed Louis Riel was a descendant of Jesus Christ. And then, well, but I also believed I was getting mugged by the Dalai Lama, so I was pretty confused. And then my poor special lady I had so many crazy beliefs about her. I believed she was abducted by aliens! And I also believed in Twoonie Tuesday supporting David Suzuki.

I still want to get a bunch of NDN’s eating KFC in a parking lot. At Cranberry Flats. I don’t know why.

I want something to happen with at least one of my crushes. Sigh!

So whatever. I confess everything online eventually. I mean, well, not EVERYTHING though. It’s all because I was interested in diaries anyone could read. Private thoughts in public space. But now I am 33 and still doing it. But whatever. It’s just my thing. I wonder if I will ever be famous for blogging. It’s taken up a lot of creative time and energy. I need to save a more recent copy too, I will do that after I am done writing this.

Strangely enough I have never gotten into Youtube videoing. Like making videos exclusively for Youtube. I find the comments so fuckin’ rude! What the hell would I do getting that kind of homophobic critique?

Or just anti-Indian.

Anti-whatever part of my identity.

I sometimes miss being a little chubby post-psychosis punk in the Downtown Eastside. Once I made a phone call to my mom from Main and Hastings and some dude was smoking crack right next to me and she asked how I was and I said fine.

Because I was fine really, it wasn’t SO bad, I had friends who looked out for me.

OH! I found out I got my travel grant to go to Berlin for my retrospective! Which is AWESOME! I am excited to see friends there and wander about and experience life there for a short time. I am going longer this time than the last time I went. I know most of my plane ticket will be taken care of, but now I have to do some last minute fundraising to get some more cash to go with, for food and stuff. I have saved some money and I will be getting paid soon. So I just need an emergency supply of cash in case something goes horribly awry, like last time when I lost my passport for a few hours. UGH!

I’m also going to wake up in time for my flights and I will have an iPad with me so I can use wireless in the airports and other places. And I will have a cellphone, but I don’t know if it will be of any use in Germany since it’s a Sasktel Pay as you go Phone. Maybe I could text? I’m not sure, but I will take it anyway.

Ooooh! I have these terrible mosquito bites on my dragon and it is itchy! I hate being itchy!

Oh shit, I have to run. I have to get my bank to fill out my direct deposit form. Fun fun fun! I will be in a long wet lineup.

I’m going to try and type on the iPad. Week! Wtf? Ok, anyway. I fell off the no smoking wagon, because I felt like I was going crazy and I didn’t have, you know, an alternative. So I bought a pack. I am quitting again. I have an alternative now, so I am going to hopefully get healthy and kissable again. I know my alternative is still a vice, but it really does make me feel, hmm, I dunno, just calmer. I can be pretty hyperactive sometimes, especially when I am hypomanic. And spring/summer are kind of manic inducing, there is so much more light.

I am sad that there is no postal service at the moment. I was expecting some money mail. I don’t know how much either, it could be 35 bucks for all I know.

Artists aren’t properly compensated for their time. At least, I am not. Not hardly ever! I have gotten some decent money once in a while. All my videos have made back what was put into them, except the newest one. But I had a grant for that.

I don’t know why I am writing today. I feel weird. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next year and it is kind of scary and also it is kind of where I was last summer. I wish I had some stability in my life. But then I think about when I accidentally got into a long term career of being a Sasktel Operator and freaked out because they were talking long range plans like when I would get four weeks holiday a year instead of three! And I panicked because I have this art practice that takes me away sometimes and sometimes I am working full time on my art and I just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. And I made sweet coin too, it sucked having to give it up. Twenty bucks an hour is a liveable wage, I had never made so much before.

But also call centers, even operator services, is pretty rough, you have to have a thick skin. People are rude all the time. It made me think terrible things about humanity.

I just don’t see why people have to be rude.

Whatever, I have put it behind me, I will never put a headset on my head again. I can’t do it anymore.

I am kind of lonely these days, hate it, bleh. Even though there are people around me most of the time. I guess I am lonely for a deep meaningful connection with someone. I probably need a girlfriend, but I don’t want to admit that I can’t keep being single forever. Sometimes I forge these intense friendships with people that are totally platonic but make me feel like I have someone to confide in, and then they just drift off into space. And I am lonely again. It hurts.

Since my MEDS got changed I have been feeling more in touch with my feelings. Before they were just kind of numb. But now I feel those little sharp corners of sadness, when appropriate. It is kind of nice actually.

I don’t know what I want to get out of life anymore. I feel like having bipolar disorder has made me worry that I won’t get into a long term relationship because I am far too volatile. I mean, it’s weird, a lot of my friends have never seen me when I was manic, or not noticed, or something. They seem to view me as always calm. And I don’t know how they can see me that way when all I feel is this churning beneath the surface. I should really go see my psychiatrist again. And I think I need a counsellor, not just a psych nurse. Plus my psych nurse doesn’t understand poly relationships and it makes it really awkward.

I should really just unload some stress by making a list of stuff to do and doing it. I mean my obligations. Just do it!

Tomorrow I am seeing my Dad, which will be nice.

Sometimes I just HATE BEING CRAZY!!!! It’s an invisible disability and it sucks.

Duh! I totally set this up so I could blog and then I went willy nilly all over internet land until I remembered! I was posting too much on facebook so sometimes when I have a touch of hypergraphia I use it up here. Well well well, what should I report?

OMG! I have a job! I am doing a street patroller job seven and a half hours a week picking up used needles in the inner city! I have my orientation on Tuesday! And I have to get some hepatitis shots and I got a criminal record check. I am not a criminal according to my record! Hurrah!

I got asked to dance at the Pride dance and got a phone number! I felt really awkward, I don’t know what to do with women. I really am clueless. I have to remember to call her back because the last time I got this woman’s number I forgot to call her and everyone got mad at me! I should call her. I wonder if it is too late now. So I guess I have two numbers really, but I kinda already fucked up with that previous one.

It’s just that after spending years wanting to finally have a “real” relationship (read: monogamous) and only ending up in polyamourous relationships, now I really WANT to be poly but I don’t want to crush some monogamous oriented woman’s heart. And it’s really silly because I don’t even have one relationship, just some crushes I am hanging around with. But I don’t want to have to pick one, I want them all! I am greedy!

Anyway, so getting picked up in bars or clubs makes me worry because I don’t want to wake up the next morning in a relationship with someone I haven’t gotten to know. And Lesbians move pretty fast into relationships sometimes. I dunno, I would just prefer getting to know women and making sure they are poly before having sex. Plus I now require safer sex supplies when I’m doing it and I stopped carrying around my emergency stash of condoms, dental dams, and gloves. And my gloves are six years old, I should really buy new ones. Black ones. That would be super sexy! Yeah, I am starting to realize that there is some sexual potential in my life and I really should be better prepared.

I used to always pack my strap on Just In Case when I traveled, and I don’t anymore. Maybe I should. I don’t have much practice using it to be honest, I’m kind of awkward with it. I feel like less of a butch! I wish my dildo was a nicer colour, like blue. Or red. My favorite one was green but that was kind of a stupid colour, it fit really good though. And then the rat ate it. I was so upset, but he had a cute little face, even though green silicone was coming out of his mouth. Anyway, my current favorite one is this kind of creamy white person flesh colour if white people had no blood. It’s kind of a stupid colour too, I should have ordered right from Vixen instead of going through Come As You Are.

Actually I would prefer a softer dildo, Vixen dildos, at least the ones I have had, are quite firm. I need to get to a dildo store, clearly. Online ordering won’t cut it.

Anyway. Pride was awesome, clearly! I got to hang out with a crush all day and my dog did good at Pride even though he wouldn’t drink any water. He gets stubborn. And then I went to the dance and then I went to 302 and saw bunches of friends and then I went to a friends and then I came home in the morning. And slept for four hours. It wasn’t enough! 🙁 I am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Well since I titled this blog sex sex sex sex I feel compelled to talk about it more. But I really have nothing further to say. I am always surprised when I end up having sex, because most of the time I am not having sex. And then I like feeling someone whose body is like mine. I’m pretty attracted to lesbianism. I just think same sex fucking is hot! It’s fucking hot!

I don’t just want sex though, I want long relationships. I want commitment even if it doesn’t involve monogamy, just knowing someone is serious. That someone will stick around. I am tired of short explosive relationships, where there’s this intense passionate involvement that ends just as suddenly as it begins. I’ve had a lot of those. I want to really get to know my lovers.

And I hate hurting women. I am always scared of breaking someone’s heart because I know it sucks, but it’s kind of silly to worry about that before even getting in a relationship. Oddly enough, I am not scared about getting my heart broken, even though the odds of it happening again are pretty high.

I wonder who my girlfriend will be. Or girlfriends. Or whatever. BUT ABSOLUTELY NO SISTER WIVES!!!

Tomorrow morning at 10am will be 7 days since I have had a cigarette! I made it through a weekend including partying without smoking a single puff! I am so amazed, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Drinking is kind of a trigger for smoking for me, but I made it through without following my friends outside for a cigarette. I went out a couple times with them just because I didn’t like being the only one inside, but it was so cold and it felt kind of silly to have to stand outside.

So hopefully this continues. I am feeling pretty committed to a smoke free life. It’s such a waste of money and I don’t want to die early. And I don’t want to expose other people to my cigarette smoke either.

I really need to make a new video. I hope I get my Mars video funding. That would be a lot of fun to make. Just wish and hope for the best. I already wrote the grant so now it’s out of my control.

Whether or not I get my funding I should also make a short self funded video. Sometimes I feel like I can push the envelope more with work that isn’t tied to a funding agency. Like Untouchable, I wasn’t paid to make that by any funding agency, I just had access to resources. I was lucky! I had my own camera and the Video In 3/4″ editing suite. I want to make some more work like that.

I just feel very uninspired these days. I’m not sure what I feel pressed to talk about. Usually something makes me angry and I make a video about it and it’s about my various oppressions and turns out to be political. But I don’t know what I feel angry about.

It’s been an ongoing worry ever since I got on psychiatric medications, I feel a little bit empty, a little less passionate. It sucks. Even my happiness is just a titch muted, and I can tell. My sadness too. But what am I supposed to do about it? I was REALLY overmedicated before, even my psych nurse says so, and she has known me ever since then. Anyway, it makes me feel a little careless, like I don’t care, to say anything. Like if you don’t get it you don’t get it and who am I to point out what an ignorant asshole someone is being because they are being an ist, like racist sexist ageist ableist. All the ists! I’m tired of pointing it out. Let people go to hell in a handbasket!

But I also realize that those sort of attitudes left unchecked wreak havoc on basic human rights for all of us deemed outside the borders of normal. So it’s not really good to not care.

I care enough about my self preservation that I quit smoking cigarettes. That must count for something. I’m not quite so self destructive now.

I do care though, about certain people. It’s kind of weird. I don’t know what to do about any of that either. I’m fairly romantically inept. And being poly makes things a little more complex. Because poly means something different to everyone really. And my last poly girlfriend could have been fine with something the next poly girlfriend takes exception to. Like some poly people want a main partner and others don’t want hierarchies in their romantic partnerships or whatevers.

I don’t really care if I have bunches of girlfriends, just one would really be enough for me.

I finally put half of my music onto my restored iPod. I have doubled up entries for the same song file in all of my itunes, and I don’t know how to get rid of it but after going from Abba to Tori Amos picking every other file, I selected a block of files and it didn’t duplicate files in my iPod. I was impressed!

I apologize for how boring that last story was.

I have heard these tales I am not supposed to tell about half horse people at a certain reserve here in Saskatchewan. I’ve heard it from three different people. Spooky! There are some bizarre supernatural beings in North America.

Once I was talking with my friend Lynx Hell and she was like “Yeah, and all those immigrants brought their THINGS with them!” And I was like “What things?” And she said “You know, their little spirits and stuff like leprechauns and banshees” and I was like “They brought their THINGS with them!!!!!???” I mean, it’s probably true. Supernatural Diaspora!

I have now been smoke free for over 83 hours! I am amazed! I feel so much better, I’ve even gone out drinking a couple nights and didn’t have a cigarette. I don’t have that horrible shortness of breathe anymore where I felt all constricted and choking. I can smell things again, like the greenness of spring and the flowers and the air from the laundry drier. I’m feeling more positive about myself too.

This time felt almost easy to quit. I just had enough, and I am tired of quitting and failing. I have been quitting for over nine years. But except for that one six month stretch I haven’t had much luck. I need to learn to accept that I can’t have even one little puff of a cigarette. It would start all over again and I would feel shitty about myself and smell like stink and no one will want to kiss me!

But now I am more kissable! Hurrah!

Anyway, it’s about time. I hate to think of what I did to my body while I was all depressed and wanting to die and smoking as a way out eventually. NOOOOO! Now I want to live and I don’t want to die young from some smoking related illness. I don’t want to live to be as old as my Grandma is now, but to be 85 would be decent. La la la. So I’m smoke free.

And actually, while I have been smoking cigarettes not at all I have also slowed down my use of pot! I am smoking less and less and feeling more energetic. I almost feel like I could give it up for a while. Almost. I am still not ready for that. Pot is how I relax, the way other people have a glass of wine. I know both can be indicative of more serious deep seated issues, but it’s semi innocent. I hear that if I exercise more I will just naturally crave pot less and less. Which seems not so painful.

I dunno, but defeating one addiction has made me want to continue defeating the rest of them. Baby steps though. It really only has been three and a half days since my last smoke, so I can’t get all cocky yet. And smoking weed has been kind of nice just because it is something to smoke. I should seriously consider buying that Magic Flight vaporizer if I want to keep my lungs healthier though. Joints can be pretty harsh!

So now I am a vegetarian non-smoker. I have to keep reminding my mom I am a vegetarian. She keeps forgetting, although not as badly as when she kept forgetting I was a boy. My six months of being a boy. I didn’t like the clothes as much as when they are butch girl clothes though.

I almost gave up and ate beef the other day. I met my cousin Sharlene at Lydia’s for the burger and fries you get with a pint and when they asked if I wanted veggie or beef I was so relieved and got the best veggie burger I have ever had! Well, until tonight the only veggie burger I had ever had, but I burnt my burger on the grill today so it wasn’t that great.

So there you go veggies, you can eat the burgers at Lyds!

I sometimes want to leave Saskatoon, and then at other times want to become some eccentric character in Saskatoon like Lorraine the muumuu lady or Sailor Dan. No, I can never achieve that kind of fame here. If I started a queer fest here I could be famouser.

I am changing and I don’t know what I am changing into. It’s been going on for a while but it feels like only recently I have gotten the momentum to actually make changes to my life like cutting out meat and giving up cigarettes. I don’t know if I will be a vegetarian forever, I guess we will see, but I sure hope the no smoking thing is for good this time. And what else is going to change? I don’t know. I don’t know what kind of person I am becoming. I wish I did have some idea of what I am evolving into. I don’t want to become so health conscious I become sick, but a little bit of health consciousness would be good.

And I do still have a leisure card.

My gallbladder is still being a pain, I had a little bit of poutine last night and my stomach ached until the morning. YUCK! I have an appointment next tuesday at two with the Amazing Dr. Saffy to try and get some narcotics for when I have a gallbladder attack.

My fingers smell nice now that I don’t smoke! Yay!

Anyway, because of the gallbladder I am eating less and less fat, I have started using this margarine that is made of mostly water because I am too afeard of butter!

I can’t believe it’s not fat!

Fat is goooooood, I miss it! I can get away with a little bit now and then, but not much! I’m looking forward to the day I can eat japanese pumpkin tempura again!

This blog is really mostly about my health, I wish I had more mental health issues to relate to you to spice it up, mental health porn. I forgot my morning meds three days in a row, made me kind of depressed. That’s all there is to report. I am taking them normally again.

I sort of miss sex, but I feel like I am getting used to having none again. It’s really only the first year without sex that is the hardest, after that they blend together!

I think there is this really creepy tension sometimes between Lesbians and Straight Guys. It freaks me out. Especially when I have a Lesbian section on my Google News and keep reading slews of stories of “corrective rape” and murder of Lesbians in South Africa all the time. Straight guys are obsessed with Lesbians! Like, SUPER obsessed! I don’t know if straight women are obsessed with Gay men, somehow I don’t think so. But it’s that whole challenge thing. Like they feel they have something to prove and want to make Lesbians into straight women. It’s so FUCKING GROSS! Like, how much of a creep do you have to be?

I recently had a falling out with a friend because he kept making comments about “bringing you back to the good side” and fucked up shit like that. It creeped me out and made me feel unsafe. I don’t think straight men realize how creepy they sound when they talk like that.
Creep creep creep!

I don’t mind if guys flirt with me once in a while, although I don’t flirt back, because flirting is pretty harmless. But making comments about converting someone’s minority sexuality is pretty fucking EFFED UP! It’s hard enough being a dyke without having some ignorant straight dude sexually harrassing me. And it was becoming this ongoing series of comments for the last few times we have gotten together, and it just REALLY pissed me off.

So I wrote an fb status about it and said get out of my life and now we are not friends. Officially. Because we aren’t friends on fb. It’s such a weird way of not being friends with someone, to go so far as to delete them from your contacts. Life in the 21st Century.

I’m kind of tired of having my lesbianism challenged by so many people. I should actually mention that it hasn’t just been straight guys who have said I wasn’t a lesbian, it’s been straight women and trans men and when I was a teen some older lesbians said I couldn’t be a lesbian yet because I was too young.

But you know what? The truth is, I HATE STUBBLY FACES AND FLAT CHESTS! It’s not so much penises that turn me off, it’s the whole rest of it. Privilege and taking up space and being uber hairy and too hot temperature wise and kinda smelly and having genitals that taste like bread dough is pretty unappealing to me as well. I AM SUCH A LESBIAN! OMG!

I dunno. Maybe if I had a girlfriend this whole thing would stop and I would get my Lesbian I.D. in the mail. I think people question my sexuality because there really aren’t many Lesbians in the world, in comparison to say, bisexuals or straight people. So EVEN THOUGH I knew at fourteen I was a lesbian and not straight or even bisexual, even though I have never fallen in love with a man, even though I have never had a boyfriend, I still get my sexuality challenged.

I dunno, for some reason I think it’s rude. I guess because I don’t do it to other people. I mean, I could suspect someone is a different sexuality than what they are living, but I don’t see the point in harrassing them about it or challenging them. Why not let people live lives the way they want? What is so wrong about me being a Lesbian that people believe my innate sexuality is a myth? What do I have to do to prove I am a Lesbian, and why should I have to prove it.

Everyone is surprised when they learn my first kiss and first sexual experience was with a girl, but it was. I was a nerd so it happened all on the same night when I was seventeen. I mean, if someone was going to kiss me and I really liked them and I had a chance, why not go all the way? But until then I spent three years being challenged on my sexuality because I was a virgin, and how could I know I was a Lesbian until I had sex? Which is a stupid thing to think. Straight people certainly don’t get questioned about being straight if they are virgins.

It’s all so weird. So anyway. So I don’t have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Whatever. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything by being exclusively romantic with women. Women are more romantic anyway. And they have such soft skin. And femmes are really beautiful. Well, so are butches, but I do like smart funny sophisticated beautiful femmes. And plus femmes are the ones who get me to open up and be vulnerable in intimate situations, and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have that same dynamic with a dude. I can be just as inscrutable as the most detached male, so two of us together would be a BAD combination.

Amber Dawn once said I do better when I am in a relationship. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s true I actually clean and keep myself more groomed when I am entertaining a lady on an ongoing basis. But also, I think I am more in touch with my deep feelings when I am having intimate conversations with a lover.

I still remember the morning after a night of great sex when I made Amber Dawn blueberry and mango crepes and told her I loved her. That was such a great day! 😀 See, women make me feel squishy feelings. And squishy feelings makes me do nice things for them.

I still like all my exes. They were pretty awesome. Too bad we had such a short time for a relationship, but then maybe I am remembering them in an idealized way. I am sure there were issues.

But anyway, yes, being a Lesbian is hard sometimes. I wish people would just learn to accept me as I am and quit trying to change me. And that includes people in the queer community.