Hello from my mom’s iPad on The Grand hotel’s wireless here in Kelowna! This is my first time blogging on the iPad, so there are bound to be hilarious spelling mistakes. I have a pretty swank room here, with a king sized bed that dwarfs me and a tv and it’s a corner suite so I have TWO big windows. I am killing time before I present my work at an International Women’s Day event where I am told there will be mega amounts of bannock.

I am glad I get this over with before six when I take to drinking. Lol. But seriously, it is better to present earlier when you are someone who gets public speaking nerves. I can do public speaking, I am pretty used to it, but I still get nervous before hand. When I am actually talking I usually forget about my nerves and just start thinking about my work and why and what and how and all that good blah blah. I have some good facts about myself I pull out, like that I made my first video when I was sixteen and that I made most of my early work with just me and a camcorder. I wish I had Untouchable to show, but I don’t.

For some reason I packed my articles of incorporation with all the rest of my stuff. I also paked my vaporizer and toiletries and a pair of flavors so I wouldn’t walk around in incriminating snow boots. By flavors I mean Fluvogs of course. Silly iPad.

A warning to Canadians who smoke: if you don’t have time to stop at the Rez for 8 dollar smokes, be prepared to shell out seventeen dollars at the airport! I have a pretty pricey pack of DuMauriers which I have been smoking so sparingly. Airports shouldn’t be allowed to gouge so much money out of people, I have noticed everywhere I go that airports Jack up prices on everything, not just smokes. Why do people think travelers are full of money?

I also learned you can’t buy a beer on Westjet unless you have a major credit card, because they have gone to a cashless cabin. And you can’t check into a hotel anymore without having a credit card, even if someone else is paying for it. Clearly this little homo needs a credit card. but I have been resisting because I can tell based on my manic spending habits that I would get into trouble. It is one thing to spend all my rent money on Buddha statues, it is another to rack up 6000 dollars worth of debt by buying something ridiculous or a series of ridiculous things.

I didn’t make any spectacular airport friends. In fact I think I was completely silent for my entire trip. Oh, except for saying “coffee with cream and sugar” and “thank you.”. It is not entirely out of the ordinary for me to go ages without saying something. That being said, I also blab to myself all the time while I am alone, about all kinds of things.

My mom is supposed to call me back, but somehow I don’t think she is going to. I have been doing typing work for her and she says she is going to pay me, but AT THE END OF THE MONTH. And I am supposed to be paid for this gig but it will get mailed to me whenever. Sooooo, well I hope I get some money for dirty bingo because I really need a new vibrator.

The Sexual Heath Centre in Saskatoon sells vibrators AT COST starting at five bucks! But I have been hearing good things about the Lelo vibrators. Which run at about 150 bucks. I wonder how much those crazy steam powered vibes cost doctors in the good old days of finding efficient ways to masturbate hysterical patients. I saw those old timey ones at Good Vibrations in San Francisco.

You know, after doing this for a while I can say that typing on the iPad isn’t nearly as annoying as I thought it would be. Maybe because I am sitting at a desk.

TWO HOURS before I depart for Alternator and get myself all set up. I am kind of craving a peanut buster parfait. I should go get a sandwich or something.

OMG BABIES ARE A LOT OF WORK! Especially at my nephew’s age, which is big enough to walk around but not big enough to say sentences. He’s really not a baby baby anymore, he’s a little boy. Very little. He was awake for something like five hours from getting here in the morning until finally crashing at 4pm for an hour and a half. All was peaceful, but you couldn’t be too loud or you would wake the baby. And then he woke up and we had dinner and then he went home. I changed a diaper today. It wasn’t a poopy diaper though, that would have been worser. I saw him make a poop face. He got all red and stuff. Babies are weird that way. I will be glad when he realizes toilets are for pooping in and not for throwing things in and flushing them away. We had to keep all kinds of doors closed and a baby gate up and he still was trying to play with a spray bottle and found a jar and it’s entourage of dust bunnies. And our closets are not baby proof, that is for sure.

I finally saw my doctor, did I mention that in the last post? It is true! I am getting a referral to a gynecologist to discuss my options in regards to these fibroids. I am seriously considering an ablation, which would burn the lining of my uterus and then I would not have periods again. And hopefully it would keep me from having to get a hysterectomy, although I don’t know for sure, I will have to come up with a list of questions to ask this gynecologist. It will also get rid of my fertility. I am pretty sure I never want to be pregnant, but it is also a big decision to make. And “pretty sure” sounds dodgy.

I am also waiting to hear back on some tests for this and that. I hope there is nothing to worry about. Because I really don’t want to have to add more pills. It’s hard enough swallowing all of them at once now, I’d probably choke to death with more.

Actually I think I am at an all time psych med LOW that is psychiatrist approved! Right now I am on Epival, Risperidone, and Wellbutrin. And that is IT! Besides that I am on iron and ranitidine. So it’s not such a big deal. But I can still tell if I miss them, I don’t feel right. Not like I feel CRAZY, just off, sometimes I get more cry-ey when I miss my morning meds, which is my Wellbutrin. And if I forget my night meds I won’t be able to sleep properly, I will keep waking up in the night and thinking. And when you are someone who thinks as much as I do, it’s nice to have a break! Anyway, that’s the scoop with my meds. It’s been a while since my last manic episode. I’m sure I’ve had some milder hypomanic episodes, but those don’t usually cause too much trouble. Or DO THEY????

But yes, I have been out of the hospital for nearly four years!!!! I’m really happy about that, because being in the hospital wipes out a year of my life in terms of feeling productive and creative and functioning. Bleh. And they say it will take me longer to recover each time it happens. So I really don’t want to get off my meds. They’ve made me feel way more stable. And life has still had shitty moments, but I haven’t been bleakly suicidal in that time either. Except for when I got out of the hospital. I was pretty suicidal in the group home, it was yucky! I just kind of held on until things got better for me.

Yucky. But post mania depressions are not that uncommon. Especially when you have just flooded your brain with all that dopamine and seratonin and have to build it back up again. It takes a while!

I heard a cautionary tale once from this gay friend who told me he had friends who were doing ecstacy ALL THE TIME for a while and in the end they said they couldn’t feel happy anymore, like they just used up all the happiness you’re allowed to have in life. Now that is depressing!

I won 2 dollars and a free play in Lotto Max. The next draw is for 50 million and 30 Maxmillions. I have three numbers. HOPE HOPE HOPE I win some cash! I am such a wimp gambler really, I only buy Lotto Max tickets when it’s for 50 million and Lotto 649 when it is 17+ million. And that doesn’t happen THAT frequently. And I don’t play the same numbers over and over. Which I am told is what I should do.

I was too busy with baby to do much of what I was going to do today. I am going to have to try this again tomorrow. I wrote a list of things I have to do but it got submerged beneath a pile of papers~!

And Mum’s got some kind of stuff she is working on too and it has made us all very busy. I am in charge of making dinner for a while. Tomorrow we are having Black Bean Soup! 😀 Today we had a Frittata and the day before yesterday we had tacos!

Little Mister had a haircut and a wash and a manicure on Friday, he looks quite dapper! And he is happier I think, although he doesn’t stay outside as long, having so little fur now.

Okay, maybe I am starting to believe the hype about 2012 again. Not like in an aliens attack way (although maybe?) but more in a massive global shift. There are a HELL of a lot of revolutions going on right now, and it seems to be reaching a peak. Trust me to be a CEO when the revolution comes to eat the rich! Ha ha, kidding. But really, who knows?

I have a LOT of stuff to do today, and I even wrote a whole list of things on a piece of paper last night. There are 8 things I can do TODAY! And only ONE of them involves leaving the house. But I haven’t done them yet. Instead I got stuck on facebook reading the news. I mean the real news smart ass, the links to articles. Not who is freezing cold in -35 or -45 or -55 or whatever my friends are living through around Canada.

Although I feel your pain, my weather friends! 😉

There is a lot of snow over here, I should really take some pictures because it is kind of impressive.

But I keep seeing all these negative stories about people with bipolar in the news, today I saw one calling Ghaddafi’s behaviour bipolar. And then there are all these criminals. It depresses me as a fine upstanding bipolar disordered Butch. Oh the stigma! I know there are others who aren’t the nicest, but can’t it be balanced with more discussion of our accomplishments and talents? We need a Bipolar Disorder Pride movement. Our parades would be great, because the manic people would be most flamboyant and colorful and have amazing chants, and the depressed people could watch from home on television because they don’t have the energy to go out!

I ate dill pickle dip today and then started craving pickles only to find there are NONE in the house!!!!! No pickles! :'( I love a good pickle. Especially Vlassic Garlic Baby Dills.

I have to add one more thing to my list. Write a Muthafuckin GRANT! AND a 30 minute script! Before April 1st! Oh mans! That means I have to write a DETAILED budget, and this would be the first time I have done such a thing. I have gotten grants so far that had really easy budgets to write, but this is going to need stuff like a real feature film budget, with more specific categories. The last time I sat down to write my script I wrote two pages, lost both of them due to a crash, and then re-wrote a page. It made me sad and discouraged so I haven’t written in a while. But it’s got to get done. I know how it ends. I just have to think of the details of how they get there. What I should really be doing is going for thinking walks. I think best when I go for a walk. Try it! It really works. I guess there is a treadmill in this room. Bleh. Ha ha ha! I just say bleh because I think part of the thinking process comes from moving about in the world. And in my part of the world it is SUPER cold! 🙁

x(
Going through this Self Employment program has made me realize how to do my career better. It’s been really hard to have a career and a highly active mental health issue at the same time. My productivity went down. I wasn’t as creative when I was depressed or recovering from a Manic Episode. But I’ve been stable for a while now, and I feel like I am getting back to life. And wanting to make amazing art. I feel like I know emotions better, and I think I learned some things about spirituality and the human condition through my illnesses and recovery periods and stuff. Hard weird lessons.

My main question is, how is the revolution going to be for persons with mental health issues like me who are dependent on stability of routine and medications from Big Pharma??? It’s a little scary. I don’t want to go off the rails during tumultuous global events. Cause people would be really really REALLY annoyed by my insights of the situation if I was manic again. And I would get sores on my feet again.

It will be FOUR MUTHAFUCKIN YEARS since I have been in the hospital starting about end of May! Hurray! I am a little nervous because it was four years before THAT that I was in the hospital. Which means I am worried I am Due For Another Episode.

EPISODE #3 of My Manic Life: Thirza goes manic while a revolution sweeps across Canada and wanders around from KFC to KFC spending her paycheque on Toonie Tuesday in an effort to support David Suzuki who, really, looks like Colonel Sanders! Some birdhouses are found and dutifully brought home even though a cat lives with her who eats birds.

NooooO! Someone STOP IT FROM HAPPENING!

Last night I had to pop a sleeping pill. And then I had this sex dream with this girl who suddenly said “I don’t want you touching me like that!” and going away. Ha ha ha, omg! And then David Suzuki’s Nephew was there? ? ? And all these people wanted to get their pictures taken with him. Needless to say by then the sex dream part was over.

I’m glad I have take as needed sleeping pills, they have REALLY helped me out.

Last night my cousin was being drunk and aggressive and we had to go pick him up, and the little shit left our house in the middle of the night and went back!!!! In -25 weather! He could have passed out in a snowbank and froze to the friggin sidewalk! ARG!

SO dramatic. I never know what to do with Black Out drunks, usually I leave where they are, but this time we had to bring him to us! He wandered about looking for more booze and crying.

I finally bought my plane ticket to Kelowna for International Women’s Day where I am presenting my art. I have to get that all together. Regrettably I do NOT have my videos on DVD, my distributors do though, so I will have to ask them to borrow the DVDs and then rip and burn and then send them back. At least now I can make a DVD of EVERYTHING to use for future presentations. It’s about time! I don’t even have a copy of my first video. This all reminds me of Kilgore Trout in Breakfast of Champions where he has to go to Times Square sex shops to find the smutty books that used his writing as vehicles for pornography because he has no copies.

I’d like to write a book sometime. Something entertaining, like a fictionalized account of my life to protect my friends who would be incriminated. I wish I could use their real names. I like thinking of fake names for my friends. I have come up with so many! Sometimes I forget their real names, almost. I had an awesome fake name for Velveeta in one blog, I called her Miranda because once she wore a wig that made her look like Miranda Richardson wearing a wig in The Crying Game. Although I have to admit, Miranda is not as descriptive a name as Velveeta. But there are relatively few Velveetas in the world and I was an angry ex at the time and didn’t want it to get back to her that I said all these things.

I think I was a better blogger when I was anonymous, because I bared my soul! I don’t anymore.

But this is more my mood:

I need some girls in the truck ’bout six chicks deep!

I really need to start writing down all the things I have to get done every day! Like my damn credit score and report, and setting aside time to do all my drawings for my video. I have to draw an Oompa Loompa’s dick. I am not entirely sure how to do that. I also have to order in a whack of preview videos and do some digitizing. And finish up with this business plan.

I have finally started Skyping with far away friends! 😀 It’s exciting to see their lovely faces and hear their voices. My camera isn’t the greatest though. Oh well. I want to do more Skyping! I am getting addicted!

My mother isn’t home, and hasn’t been home all afternoon! I miss her! I want her to come back!
Doo doo do doo doo do doo doo.

This has been a ridiculous post, I didn’t mention anything of note!

I wrote this for facebook, but considering their heinous censorship decided to post it here too, which has never censored me. Enjoy!

1. I used to ride horses when I was a little girl. Once the horse my adult friend was on bucked her off and took off galloping away, and mine decided to gallop away too! I had never been on a galloping horse before and I just kind of scrunched up like a jockey and held on for dear life until I could get the horse back under control. I’d really like to ride a horse again, I think I can remember how to steer them.

2. I have a notoriously bad habit of falling deeply in love with unavailable women and pining for years at a time! My first real crush at 14 lasted for 2 years! No nookie though. I am not sure why I do this, it’s made for a lot of no sex for years at a time.

3. The longest I have gone without sex is eight years. Beat that! I feel like I should be ashamed of this. But after a string of number 2’s happening to me, that is what happened!

4. I had my first manic psychosis when I was 24 and living in Montreal. I talk about this a lot so maybe I should mention the not so well discussed aspects of it. I was hospitalized in a french speaking hospital which was very similar in experience to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. I had a lot of problems talking to the staff because very few of them understood english and often had to ask other patients to translate for me. This was Montreal, which meant there were English hospitals too, but they refused to let me move to one. I don’t know why. Being trapped in a French speaking abusive hospital made me really hate the Quebecois for a long time, I have to admit. I am mostly over it now. But I will never live in Montreal again.

5. When I was in Grade 2 we lived in Missoula Montana for the school year while my Mum worked on her Masters of Fine Arts. My teacher, Mrs. Joy Nelson, taught me how to write and had all kinds of creative writing exercises we did all year. I wrote a story about my cousin Luke sending me a kit to make a robot and all the things we did with the robots. I don’t remember what else I wrote now, that one was my favorite. I have been writing ever since.

6. Once when I was a little girl I tried to put on an improv puppet show for my Mum but she left after five minutes of me standing around trying to think of what to say next. She said she wouldn’t watch it unless I had a script!

7. I am planning to buy a house here in Saskatoon, hopefully in five years. That is the plan. I am thinking of a three bedroom house with a backyard. Mister refuses to live in an apartment or condo now. He will be an old man by the time we have our own house with a backyard, so until then I am living in my Mom’s house because she has a mostly empty basement and a backyard. He is a really happy boy in this house and is now almost always wagging his tail!

8. When I was two years old I saw this weird thing, and out of all my not-normal experiences I still think it is the most remarkable because it was SO WEIRD! I used to share a bunk bed and room with my sister Sky and the door would get locked at night otherwise Sky would run away. Anyway, this one morning I wanted out and I was banging on the white wooden door and crying when this image appeared on the door, like a screen set into the door. It was an overhead view of the Buy-Rite Furniture store parking lot. This would have been in 1980 so the cars were all 70’s big Buicks and the like. I stared at it for the longest time, cars were going in and out and parking and it was sunny. Then my Dad opened the door and it was gone! I have no explanation for what I saw, to this day.

9. I called 911 in Grade 8 for the first time because my sister set the living room armchair on fire. I wrote a story about it but I haven’t published it online. She found some matches and lit them and by the time I was summoned from the basement to help it was a great big bonfire in our living room. Mum ended up putting it out by running back and forth from the bathtub to the fire with a bucket. She was a hero. We all had Hitler mustaches by the end of it from the smoke.

10. I carefully entrusted my virginity with my biggest love ever when we were 17 years old, but then she never slept with me again! :O And she had long nails, which cut out a whole bunch of activities we could have done.

11. I used to shoot rifles in BC. I actually contemplated a school shooting when I was being bullied, but luckily I didn’t do anything and we moved back to Saskatoon. I was a good aim for someone with no gun experience before then! I’d like to go to a target range and shoot more guns, but I don’t ever want to shoot something living or even own a gun.

12. I didn’t drink and only smoked two puffs of a joint all through high school. I wasn’t trying to be a goody goody, I just already knew by then that I had serious mental health issues (though I wasn’t diagnosed with anything) and felt that being straight edge was my only hope of getting through high school as sanely as possible. It worked!

13. The first time I smoked pot and it actually got me ripped was when I went with some queerdos to the Pink Floyd and the Doors Lazer Light Show at the Planetarium in Vancouver. We hot boxed in the parking lot with a joint made of pot, hash, and oil. It was the best trip ever and when I got to the bathroom everything SLOOOOOWED DOOOOOOWN! It took me ten minutes (in my head) to wash and dry my hands, and I kept giggling.

14. I used to be really into anti-psychiatry, but now I am into being critical of psychiatry and not anti. The reason is because the anti-psychiatry people seem to tell everyone that we can just throw away our meds and be sane on a diet of herbs and sunshine and exercise, and I think that is really irresponsible. I did follow their advice and ended up having my second manic psychosis when I was 28-29. My 29th birthday was spent in the psych ward here in Saskatoon. Yeah the meds do bad things, but some of us need them.

15. I am afraid that the apocalypse will happen and I won’t have access to my psych meds, and will end up being a raving mad street preacher trying to live off my lactations while everything goes to hell.

16. I was always trying to set up clubs when I was a kid, but mostly because I liked making the membership cards. I would draw on them and then laminate them by using white glue to stick saran wrap onto the cards. It works surprisingly well. But no one ever came to my clubs. Once in high school I tried to start the first Gay-Straight Alliance but it just ended up being me and this bisexual friend and our gay friend sitting on the front lawn eating chips. After that meeting there were no more. Maybe I should have made some membership cards!

17. When I was a very small girl I used to feel what some folks call God in the sunshine and the plants. I don’t get the same feeling anymore, but intellectually I still understand the concept.

18. I was a transman for six months and my name was Sarain. It was different, that is for sure. But in the end I decided to go back to being Thirza because I realized I really like my secondary female sex characteristics. My Mum had a really hard time with all the he him his and my boy name, so she was relieved when I decided to stay a butch girl. I realized there were things about becoming a boy that I found really boring and unappealing, whereas I can be a butch girl and do masculine things and still have lovely womanly things.

19. I came out to my mom on February 22, 1993. I was fourteen. It was the scariest thing I had ever done at that point and she was really good about it. She had to go away on a Canada Council jury so while she was in Ottawa she went to the Women’s bookstore and talked to some young lesbians who loaded her up with all the books they thought a baby dyke should have. The only ones I remember now were Lesbian Sex and three different Dykes To Watch Out For books.

20. I would like to get married! 😀 However I think the cost of weddings is outrageous, so I have decided I would rather go to a justice of the peace with maybe two witnesses and then have a big party with all our friends.

21. I was actively Christian after my first psychosis, but since then have gone back to my non-worshipping self. I believe in a grand spirit, but I don’t think it cares if I go to a building with a high roof and a history of protecting pedophiles. Also I find so much vocal Christianity to be really hateful.

22. When I was living in Vancouver I decided I HAD TO HAVE a dachshund! But when I got word of this rescue doxie looking for a home the woman I called ridiculed me for having a job and not having a yard. I did end up with a Mister Man long haired black and tan dachshund not long after I moved to Saskatoon. He makes me really happy. I love dogs. I prefer them to cats, although I do have a Beatrix kitty.

23. I have always been the first one to say I Love You. I would like the be the one who gets to say I Love You Too. But I usually make all the first moves anyway. Still, it would be nice to hear it before I say it.

24. My first real girlfriend (not the one I lost my virginity to) was hopelessly vanilla. I am now glad she dumped me because I don’t think it would have worked out.

25. I’ve had below the belt piercings three times, but currently only wear one. It’s sparkly, has little gems on it, I would dearly like to show someone. When I first got pierced I used to whip down my pants for anyone who wanted to see, I was kind of shameless. This time I am being coy. Although I just wrote this paragraph. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Neither are Wasabi peas when I think about it. And when I have sushi I use wasabi very sparingly.

In Vancouver there is an ice cream shop that has a bazillion flavours and one of them is Wasabi, I have never tried it.

I’m feeling positive about moving on from my bitch ex. When I think about it there is something kind of creepy about her. I can’t put my finger on it. There’s something kind of paternalistic about her, is that what I mean? Maybe. Like a moral superiority. I hate that. I think there is something human about making mistakes and doing risky behaviours. All I know is that she was horrified by me when I was sick the last time and it has always bothered me. I need someone with some empathy.

I am actually thinking maybe it would be more sensible to date other persons living with mental health issues. I am tired of the Norms. They don’t GET IT! My cousin and his girlfriend are both bipolars . . . well I wouldn’t choose their relationship as an exemplary example though. My best friends often have some kind of mood disorder going on with them, and I think I am such good friends with them because of it, we have common ground you know.

Anyway, it’s all ridiculous for me to think about because I actually have to get ready to present my work in Kelowna in a couple of weeks and also make a DVD of my videos for Berlin AND also do all the curatorial work for this Queer Youth video program at Entzaubert this year. Speaking of which, when I put in Queer Youth Videos in google the whole damn feed has been colonized by the It Gets Better project, which is fine if I want to lecture youth with videos by adults, but that is NOT what I have in mind at all! I am looking for work made BY queer youth about their experiences and so forth. It kind of pisses me off that the It Gets Better project is choking out the few links of queer youth driven video projects. Also as someone who has been in an institution after high school (and I’m not talking art school) I know that it doesn’t necessarily get any better. And besides that I take issue with adults telling suicidal youth they have to suffer through youth based oppression until adulthood.

Anyway, I have two videos I know I want to show for sure. One is James Diamond’s video where he comes out to his mom, it is really intense.

I want to make more beautiful art! Something that will resonate with just the right people.

I have an appointment with the Disability Loans people on Monday morning, but I have to change it because my Chapan’s funeral is on Monday. There, I just sent off an email to change it to Wednesday. BUT I must remember that I have my coaching session from 12 – 12:30 and my SUPER IMPORTANT doctor’s appointment at 1. Maybe I can meet them in the morning or after 2. I also have to get to work on polishing up my business plan, AND I still have to do my Credit Check and get my score and report. I’s afeard! But better to know. Plus I think my Identity was stolen in Vancouver when I lost my birth certificate in a Scotiabank dumpster.

I also have to get a cell phone, SOOOOOOOON! It’s going to be my business line, plus people have explicitly told me to get a cell phone because they try to get a hold of me and I am not always home. It’s the WAY OF THE FUTURE! My lovely friend Robin finally got one but adamantly refuses to text with me when I get mine. So I will have to listen to her melodius voice instead. Crap I spelled that wrong. Melodyious???? Pbbt!

Anyway, I had better get in touch with my distributors and see if they have any of my videos on DVD’s for me to screen. And where did my Mom go????? She left the house! :O Probably doing fancy art work like, OH! I know where she is, she is at the sign painters!

Cell phone cell phone cell phone. I want an android! I have decided not to get an iPhone because they are kind of fucked up in how they approve apps and how much money they take from news subscriptions. Carrie talked me into it. She has an android and loves it. SHE has an app that will turn off the sound just by shaking it back and forth! I was duly impressed. And D’Arcy has an app that translates other spoken languages instantly! I think the Germans might be annoyed if I hold up a phone to find out what they are saying, but who knows when it could come in handy!

Watch this video! I keep thinking of this song when I am laying down trying to go to sleep. It is Backstabber by the Dresden Dolls.

My business is starting to come together. I got my certificate and articles of Incorporation in the mail today, I called the First Nations Bank to set up an appointment for a business bank account (Mr. Mr. still hasn’t called back yet though) and I got in touch with an Entrepreneurs With Disabilities program which offers small business loans of a maximum of $15,000, which is almost the exact figure I need. I am meeting with them Monday morning at 10 am. I have to do my credit score and report still, and I eventually will need a business license. Once I get my loan I can do my favorite thing . . . SHOPPING! I will be getting a desktop computer and a laptop, along with all my software, furniture, accessories, etc. And then I can start actually working! I’m nervous, I hope all goes well at the meeting. They need to see my business plan, so I’m glad I did so much work on it, but I do have more work to do still.

I also have to move my bedroom to the other side of the basement and paint it and get it ready for becoming an office where I will do all the editing and blah de blah. And generally make the basement seem nicer and more inviting to people who will be sitting down here with me working on their masterpieces. I think maybe I should set up a microwave and coffee maker down here. Maybe I should even get a tiny fridge.

My ex sent me a harsh email! She said I didn’t have the strength to be with her, that I had no willpower, no ambition, and no drive! :O I was shocked! I feel like she’s judged me so much based on my fucked up year when I got sick. And besides that, if I have anything it’s got to be ambition, I’ve always been ridiculously ambitious. Whatever. She sure didn’t stick around when I got sick, and even though I have been stable for nearly four years now, there is always the possibility of a breakthrough episode even with all these pills I swallow twice a day. Can I really afford to be with someone who’s just going to bail when I have a health problem? More to the point, why be with someone who so clearly doesn’t understand me or why I do what I do? She says she was waiting for me to figure out my life. So when is my life all figured out enough for a serious relationship??? Do I have to have some kind of action plan on every aspect of everything? Do I need to know what I am going to be doing when I am 50????

Anyway, I do have my life figured out. I am going to edit, curate, write, produce, direct until I die! Isn’t that enough? Maybe she isn’t artist friendly, she sure does have some kind of different idea of what and why I do art. She’d probably do better with someone boring like an investment banker or a stock broker. At least they would keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed, while I am still living in drips and drabs of money coming in once in a while.

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be stock brokers!

Well that’s over anyway. I was really close to finally closing the book on the whole thing before this email came in. Why should I jump through some invisible hoops just to go for coffee with an ex lover? And anyway, why be with someone who has such a low opinion of me? I’m worth way more than that. Maybe I’m not worth much to her because I’ve had health issues that have curtailed my life starting in my mid twenties. But I hate that, it’s such an immature view of relationships, that people must be at their pinnacle of health and not have a backstory of trauma. I hate when I try to talk about certain exes and people say “Oh, wasn’t she fucked up?” Um, aren’t YOU fucked up for saying that? Who doesn’t have some shit going on in their life? Show me ONE PERFECT PERSON!

Besides, some of the people I have known at their most fucked up have still done intensely beautiful amazing things with their lives. I am impressed by tenacity and bravery. And if you have everything going for you already, you don’t really have to be brave.

At least I have an answer now, I can say “OKAY! This mindset she has is why it didn’t and won’t work!” And now I can move on! 😀

And like I mentioned in the last post, there ARE a few ladies I am interested in who seem kind of interested in me. Like maybe three of them? But one doesn’t live here.

Either way, maybe starting a serious relationship AND my own company is all a little much at once. Maybe I should just keep taking it SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Build up the antici-

pation!

My Great Grandmother died this morning, leaving her house to my Dad. Now he has three houses! He said I could move into one of them, but they are on the reserve and in a small town and I think it would kill my home based business if I moved that far away from the city. Plus I have no car. No car! Hell, I don’t even have a driver’s license!

I really do want a house of my own though. With three bedrooms, one for me, one for my partner when she doesn’t want to sleep with me (should I ever get one) or to use as a spare room, and one for my editing suite. In a nice neighborhood with tall trees and shapely grass. I don’t know why grass would be shapely, I just wanted to use that word. Have you ever walked on SHARP grass? Like lawn grass? It’s weird and it hurts!

Anyway, I have to find a way to get to my Chapan’s funeral. Chapan is a Cree word for great grandparent. I don’t know who I will get a ride with. I don’t even remember her, though I met her when I was learning to walk. That is a LONG time ago now!

I am listening to this great song by PJ Harvey off her new album Let England Shake. It’s called The Words That Maketh Murder. Have a listen!

I went to Taboo this year with my friend Carrie and I have to fess up, I SMOKED! And not just one either! :O But it’s all cool because I bought an impact toy there that someone can punish me with later.

ACTUALLY now I have noticed I have more phlegm in my throat after smoking so much. It is clear my body would prefer to not smoke.

Anyway, there’s my confession. But I have not had a cigarette since getting home!

I found out this morning (early afternoon actually) that I am going to Berlin this July! I’m so excited, and I have to do a whole bunch of work for it like curate a queer youth program and author a DVD of my selected videos for my retrospective. It will be good for me to get some more experience in DVD Authoring for my business, specifically in making chapters in a video. I’ve yet to do that, having made DVD’s of short tapes mainly, and not needing chapters at all!

I am looking forward to seeing some folks in Berlin and getting out of Canada at some point this year. Although I know I will get homesick for my country. Missing Cheezies and Good Host Ice Tea. Canadian culinary classics!

That being said I haven’t had any Cheezies for at least two weeks and it hasn’t broken my heart.

I have started coming to this amazing realization that even though being in poly relationships has so far just been this default style for so long (queer ladies love that poly stuff!) ACTUALLY I really like the freedom inherent within it. I like that I can have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and there won’t be an issue if I happen to meet another lady who is kissable and more. The only thing I haven’t liked in the past is when I don’t feel special. I don’t quite know what I mean by that. I was going to say “Primary” but then that’s kind of a weird way of being. Although I think I would like a primary partner and then casual lovers, I don’t know if I could keep two intense relationships going at once. But who knows? I just think it is easier to find lovers than a longterm committed POLY relationship with someone, so I would be surprised if I ended up with two or more SERIOUS girlfriends. But one serious girlfriend/wife and a bunch of casual lovers would be nice.

I was talking with a friend today about having a poly household and I remembered the year I thought having a girlfriend and a houseboy would be nice. I think the houseboy would be genderqueer. I don’t even know if our houseboy would have a flesh and blood penis. I would want someone who gets off on cleaning, because I really hate cleaning. And then I could come along and paddle them for missing a spot! And my wife would do some other thing to them, and we would all be happy! Except I think they would have their own room, probably in the basement of our house. Or over the garage. Ha ha, I doubt that will ever happen, but it makes me smile!

I have had a SHITASTIC week for taking morning and night meds. I have been so crap at it! And it makes me feel bad because I don’t intend to not take them, I just forget and then I’m like “Aw fuck!” And when I move my head a certain way I heard this weird noise and it’s just this classic side effect from getting off an antidepressant, almost like paxil zaps but not painful! I’ve been crappy! I am actually doing pretty well except for the noises, but I still know it’s because I have had those meds in my system for a long time and it takes weeks for the effects to wear off completely. I am still committed to taking them, but I am going to have to figure out the best way to remind myself!

I’ve had a crush on this one girl for a while now, it’s been making me smile. Someone other than The Love Of My Life, who is still not interested in me. But I don’t want to make any sudden moves and scare her off, even writing this paragraph feels a bit dodgy. She’s pretty special though and I am super curious about her and spending more time with her. So far everything I have learned about her I like. She has awesome politics and is super hot and involved in her community and creative, and those are all things I really appreciate. And we have other things in common. And she’s femme! Wait, that’s wrong, she’s Femme, very much a capitalized Femme! She is NOT a Saskatoon girl though. And I don’t really know what she thinks of me, if she’s thinking of me in a sexy way. I feel like the not living in proximity to each other is limiting, for sure, so I really don’t know. I feel like I want to get to know her better, but the internet is not the best way to learn someone’s dreams and desires and preferences. And you can’t kiss someone on the internet. I haven’t talked about her on here really because she makes me shy and I think she might read this once in a while. And in case you are wondering, I have kissed her and she is a GOOD KISSER! 😀

I like Butch-Femme relationships! They are my favorite! Butch-Butch doesn’t do it for me usually, but sometimes it has. I really appreciate Femme women because my dynamic with them is really sweet and I feel safe enough to let out my mushy squishy vulnerable side. And I think they are so beautiful. And I like being able to hold Femme women when they are telling me things that make them super vulnerable and feeling happy that they trust me that much.

My ex-girlfriend Amber Dawn (OMG! I am about to plug my ex!) has a piece in the book “Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme” called “To All the Butches I Loved Between 1995 and 2005: An Open Letter about Selling Sex, Selling Out, and Soldiering On” and I haven’t read it yet!!!! I am super curious, because we dated in 2000. And it WAS an intense relationship with a lot of fucking and talking and mornings spent in greasy spoons on Commercial and TRYING so hard and she was in the sex trade at the time and I’d never had ANY experience being in a intimate relationship with a sex worker. And I remember a lot of people gave me shit for dating someone who was in that kind of work, when there was SO MUCH other stuff going on with her too that was amazing and lovely to be around. And both of us were going through our own shit too. It was doomed from the start. But it also had really sweet and tender moments. I still remember going with her to see Chicken Run and she wanted a chicken pot pie after! :O

She wrote this really great line in it which is all I have seen so far. She wrote “Ours was an elbow-grease, adult-children-of-alcoholics, there-ain’t-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch butch-femme. That’s right, let’s say it again. Ours was a damaged-goods, bitter-pill, better-luck-next-time butch-femme.”

Yes it was, yes it was!

And I was undiagnosed. That was a mess!

I have no advice for people who are S.O.’s of a sex worker. I don’t think I did a very good job of it. I was worried about her most of the time, it was pretty stressful. And I didn’t have many people to talk about it with, because so many people thought bad things about my dating her simply because of prevailing idea that sex workers are low lifes. I didn’t like people making assumptions about her without meeting her or knowing all the things she was involved in like making trans-inclusive queer sex shows or writing her novel or doing performances.

Well, I guess I am still trying to sow seeds for a loving poly relationship to flourish in my life. It’s not going to happen with Rheanne, that is for sure! It’s funny, maybe I was attracted to her because I was curious about monogamy, which is ridiculous because she is not single anyway and won’t leave her partner. I just have this idea that monogamy is easier/lazier. But maybe it just gets boring or stifling or frustrating. I mean, hell, I don’t know, I’ve never been monogamous!

I have narrowed my topics I want to cover in the next video to being institutionalized, which means I am going to shoot my next video based on a short story with illustrations which I self published in the Fit Of Pique zine. It’s called I Could Kill Myself With My Panties, because that’s what I was told when I lost my bra and panty privileges in the Montreal psych ward I was in.

I am going to do it like a lot of my other videos, with a voice over reading out the text. But I also need to come up with a visual look for it. I am thinking I will do some drawings based on the visual imagery in the story and scan them in and use those. So I have to do some reading and notations.

INSIDER SCOOP!!!! How Thirza Writes a Short Video Script (usually).
Usually I write the monologue first, and I always seem to do a monologue. Then I print it off and start writing images and shots in the margins. From this I make a shot list, and after shooting from there I put the whole thing back together into a cohesive form in editing. Editing is where the video really comes together because I will often add another crucial image to it and do more shooting. Plus I come up with more interesting soundscapes when I actually have images to work with.

Aside from that, I am busy getting stuff done for my business start up. I have to do some work on that this weekend actually.

I am waiting on some important mail, artist fees and my articles of Incorporation. I’m pretty excited for both!

I wish I had a better place for drawing, maybe I would be into it more if I had somewhere to draw. Also I would like to manipulate it with photoshop and maybe make some quasi animated imagery. I should go look for what drawings I have for that story already and then highlight other images in the text. And I should look on some creative commons sound effect sites for some relevant sounds.

What does an institution sound like? Well there are screams for sure.

I also have to set myself up in the basement finally. For my business I am moving out of the bedroom and into the more open other side of the basement, where I have to also set up a living room type space with my tv and all that set up. I have one armchair and I might get another chair down there. But I should really set it up so that my bed can be used for tv watching, because then it is also the perfect make out spot!

I wish I had Pro Tools, I love Pro Tools so much! I want to marry it!

I wish the basement wasn’t such a weird space, I am sure it is haunted, but there is no where else for me to live at the moment so I kind of have to suck it up. Plus it’s easier for me to have a homebased business here than a home where I am renting. I’m renting here too, but my mom OWNS the place and is fine with me operating a business out of her basement.

I went and did something stupid. I wrote a letter of desire to the love of my life and SHE NEVER WROTE BACK! :O I feel stupid. I don’t know why I throw my heart onto the ground for her to stomp on all the time. She’s so never going to be with me, I don’t know why I even bother. I guess there is always that fragile hope that blooms and then withers and dies. It’s a perennial type of hope.

I’m looking forward to the spring flowers this year. Maybe this year I will even make enough money to have some cherry blossoms tattooed onto my left forearm. Nice pink ones, all delicate and happy, against a blue sky.

I seem to have quit drinking pop. As an experiment. And so far the tummy pain has stopped. My friend Jasmine used to get gallbladder attacks triggered by pop. It’s so weird what will trigger an attack. So now I have to go on without my favorite drink. I’m not as heartbroken as I thought I would be. But it was a constant in my life since I was old enough to drink it. It’s probably put me at a horrible risk of diabetes, and my race, and my medication, both also contribute towards that.

Bleh. It’s been since Friday that I have had a cigarette. I have had one to two lozenges everyday when I get really cravy, but so far it has been okay. OMG! I hope this is it, for serious, no more cigarettes!

In other news, I now am CEO of a corporation. 🙂

Wacky, that’s for sure! It sounds like I should be making the equivalent of what an average Canadian makes all year by noon on Jan 1st! But I am not, so far. I am making exactly what the government wants me to make, until my program is over. So everything I make will go back into the business.

I can’t use the internet in the basement because something is wrong. 🙁 Oh well, I will figure it out. But also I am tired of writing on my old computer, it’s just so OLD!

And persnickety!

ARG! I am tired of trying to convince this girl from my past that I am loveable! I have tried all kinds of ridiculous things and it has never worked!!! I feel like I never properly worked through our ending because I was crazy and every time I tried to talk about how I felt about this significant to me person I would be told not to talk about it! Imagine breaking up with someone who means a lot to you and being told not to talk about your feelings around it! UGH!

And anyway, I really should move on, but it still feels not quite right. I don’t know what it is. I wish I could afford my psychic! I don’t suppose you could write that off as a business expense. . . no, maybe for entertainment? Meals and Entertainment? Would I have to take my psychic out for dinner?

She’s the psychic to the stars now! Complimentary readings by her were part of the gift bags at the Emmy’s a couple years ago! And she is a consultant for shows like Ghost Whisperer. And she lives in Saskatoon!

Anyway. I feel like my career has some direction now, but my love life has NO DIRECTIONS at all! Or maybe too many directions. Too bad there isn’t really love life counseling. I mean, maybe there is? For singles though??? The only kind of counseling I get is psych nurse counseling and it is more about health than deep seated issues I have. And she doesn’t get poly relationships, sooooo, um, well, that’s pretty much my whole roster of relationships I have had.

I still want to experiment with monogamy before I die though.

There was an ad on Facebook that kept cropping up all day today that had text reading “Saskatoon Bucket List! 365 Things To Do Before You Die” and next to that was a picture of a woman standing next to a pool in a bathing suit holding a monkey’s hand. The monkey was wearing swimming trunks. I don’t think I would agree with most things on that bucket list. I can do without swimming with the monkeys. Hell, I don’t even want to go swimming with the dolphins!